Original subtitles

♪ [THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

What do you think of this for a film?

It's about wildlife living

in the city that has no business being there.

Like the falcons that live in the Chrysler Building?

And?

Well, they're falcons,

and they're in the Chrysler Building.

Yeah?

And?

They're falcons, right? Oh, forget it, forget it.

I thought you wanted something never done

by the Explorer Channel.

-They did that? -Well...

-How about dolphin puppies? -You'll think of something.

I'd better, 'cause I'm zero for nine this week

and everybody in the office, they're rooting for me to fail.

They're like vultures there.

Hey, vulture puppies?

We have nothing to eat.

-Want some banana? -Is it still good?

-No. -[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Hello. Hiya, Fran.

Okay, hang on. Your meeting's moved up.

You gotta be there in half an hour.

How can I be there in half an hour?

How can she be there in half an hour?

-He's the boss. -I don't care.

It's rude to change appointments.

I don't care. It's rude to change appointments.

-Grow up. -I have. He should grow up.

-She is grown up-- -All right, give me the phone.

I thought I was doing a good job.

I'll be there.

Here is how I'm gonna find an idea for my film.

I am gonna do a very exciting film on...

crop fungus.

I'm glad you didn't finish this yogurt.

-Who takes care of you? -You do.

Here we go. A terrific Explorer Channel type of film on...

a guy with no teeth holding a pig.

What is the date, today?

-Fourteenth. -Oh, my god.

Look at this.

"Yoko Ono announces she's doing a series of film happenings."

Well, there you go.

-What? -Do that. You know Yoko.

-I don't know her. -She liked that film you made.

-That was two years ago. -I think it's a good idea.

-What, a Yoko film? -Yes.

-For the Explorer Channel? -It's different.

If it was Yoko wrestling a cougar...

-Fine. -Or Yoko tagging a wildebeest.

Fine. Mock me. I'm trying to help you.

You're wonderful. It's just not a good idea. But I love you.

Is there nutrition in Cracker Jacks?

Yes, and a little toy.

So, uh...

The falcons live in the Chrysler Building, right?

And they think the gargoyles are their friends.

Uh-huh.

And like that.

Interesting. What else?

I thought something about white-water rafting.

-Been done. -But with each different season.

-Been done! -Okay. Um...

"A zoo." Something with a zoo.

-I can't read my own writing. -Paul...

Have vulture puppies been done?

Let's try this tomorrow.

I'm sure we'll think of something.

Um... let me just throw an idea at you.

Yoko Ono is doing a series of film happenings.

-Yoko? -Yeah.

Yoko Ono on the Explorer Channel?

[ALL LAUGH]

I know it's not the kind of thing you do--

I love it.

-Really? -It's different.

That's what I thought. "This is different."

Great idea. I like it a lot. What do you think?

-Love it. -Great, wonderful.

Great. I was kidding about the Chrysler Building!

And your two flunkies, you can... slap in the head.

-Hey. -JAMIE: Hey.

Here's a little interesting piece of news for you.

Guess who...

-Chocolate pudding? -Guess who what?

Guess who is filming the Yoko Ono thing.

You pitched them my Yoko idea?

Well... your idea. I...

I worked out a whole thing, with notes and thoughts.

I knocked them for a big, loopy loop.

Well, with my idea, but that's great!

Well, they loved it. Actually, Allison did.

The rest can give me a kiss on the ass area.

Well, listen, they loved our Yoko idea.

-Know what else? -Our Yoko idea?

You, me, ours... What's the difference?

My Yoko idea, but go ahead.

What? I had nothing to do with it?

I suggested it as a thing for you.

Babe, I was reading the newspaper.

Yes, and I suggested it for you.

Yeah, but I decided to actually use the idea.

So, the idea to use my idea was your idea?

That's exactly right.

Know what else? Do we like this shirt?

No. What are you doing?

-I'm changing. -You just got home.

That's the "you know what else?" part.

I'm meeting Yoko tonight.

-Tonight? -At her house.

Oh, my God! What will I wear?

-To what? -To Yoko.

Babe, it's not one of those things.

This is a business meeting. You'll meet her next time.

-Are you kidding? -What?

I can't come?

-It's a business meeting. -"A business meeting."

Don't do that.

If I were meeting Pamela Sue Anderson from Baywatch,

I would let you come.

Okay. A, no, you wouldn't.

And B, you can't compare Pamela Sue Anderson to Yoko Ono,

except that they're both carbon-based lifeforms.

And C, you don't bring a spouse to a business meeting.

-You're going all the way to C? -I'm not kidding.

Listen, Mr. Big Fancy Guy, that was my idea.

-Why is that important to you? -Secondly, this was my idea.

If it were up to me, I would take you.

-Really? -Of course.

-I love it when you're with me. -Really?

I just don't know if it's appropriate

'cause it's business.

I think Yoko Ono would understand if you brought me.

Excuse me. You... You don't tell me about Yoko Ono.

-I told you about Yoko Ono. -Really? I'm going with you.

Okay, but--

I won't tell her it was my idea.

That's not what I was saying.

What were you going to say?

I'm not gonna tell you.

Wow, honey, look at this.

Hey, what did I say about touching stuff?

-Here, catch. -Don't!

Oh, relax.

I forgot she makes you take your shoes off.

I would've worn better socks.

Your socks are fine.

No. These are, like, sneaker socks

masquerading as dress socks.

-Isn't this beautiful? -Very. Put it down!

What do you think it is?

It's a thing they make

so you feel terrible when you break it. Give me this.

Where was it? All right.

-Look at this picture! -When she gets here,

don't ask anything about the Beatles.

-Honey, I know not to... -Nothing about the Beatles.

-It makes her crazy. -What are you, her best friend?

I know what I'm talking about.

Ask her about her new album or her art.

Maybe she wants to make some weird conceptual art film.

Like, a room full of people yawning for peace.

That shows how little you know about Yoko.

She doesn't do that anymore.

She does very conventional stuff.

She's doing these great paintings and drawings...

Are you paying attention to me?

-Uh-huh. -Get out of there. Come here.

Listen, now...

she may ask us about our birthdays

-and where we were born. -There's a quiz?

No, but she does that before she works with somebody.

She's into that.

I know the date and place of my birth, so I'll be all right.

I'm a little nervous about my birthday.

-Why? -I don't think it's a good one.

-What's the matter with you? -It's just not good.

April nineteenth. Nineteenth, what is that?

It's just such a nowhere birthday.

Did you know Sandy Duncan was born on the same day as Hitler?

-Is that true? -I'm pretty sure.

-Why do you know that? -I just do.

Really? And people still like Sandy Duncan, right?

You'll be fine. Wow, what do you think

-this goes for? -[VASE JANGLES]

Give me that.

-Don't bite. -Sit down.

I'm sitting.

Sit down. No touching and no staring.

-No mentioning the Beatles. -Nothing about the Beatles.

♪ ["I WANNA HOLD YOUR HAND" BY THE BEATLES PLAYS] ♪

Hi.

-Hi. -Sorry to keep you.

-Oh. -Thank you for coming.

It's an honor to meet you. And thank you for coming.

Well, it's my apartment.

Of course. I meant, thanks for coming in the room.

-Yes, of course. -Yeah.

-Hello. -Hi.

Sorry. This is my wife Jamie.

Nice to meet you. I'm Yoko.

-Yoko Ono. -I understand.

Very nice to meet you.

Please sit down.

And so you came together?

-Yeah. If that's a problem... -Not at all.

Behind every great man, there is a greater woman. [LAUGHS]

-Yes. So true. -[YOKO LAUGHS]

You know, if I had a creed, that would be it.

That'd be your creed?

So, may I tell you about my project?

-Please. -Please do.

Well, one day I was walking down Columbus Avenue.

I got excited with this thought of--

Sorry. Do you need to know my birthday?

Why?

I don't know, I thought you do.

-No. -Oh, okay, sorry.

Anyway, as I was saying about this project--

'Cause April 19th is what it is.

-April 19th. -PAUL: Yes.

You weren't born in New York?

-I was. -Ooh.

Is that bad?

Just kidding!

A joke. Yoko made a joke at my expense, there.

I saw that!

People never think I'm funny, but I can be, too.

No, I'm sure.

I suppose people have a certain image of you.

What kind of image?

What do they have?

Who knows. I suppose... You know...

Not that you were responsible for breaking up--

Okay!

That's all right. What were you saying about the project?

I'm very excited with this project

and I think you're just the filmmaker who can pull it off.

I'm awfully flattered. What is the idea?

I want you to film the wind.

-The wind? -Yes.

-Film it? -Yes.

Seriously?

Well, that's a good idea.

-Film the wind? -I like it.

-But you can't see wind. - So far.

Shouldn't you make films about things you can see?

Anybody can do that.

To film the wind, that takes skill.

I'm gonna ask a question. Answer me honestly.

-Go. -If my sister suggested

filming the wind, would you do it?

-Yes. -Liar.

All right, that was a lie.

Just admit it. It's a bad idea.

No. You don't know.

Who's to say what's a good idea?

You think when Picasso showed his first cubist painting,

Everybody said, "that's a great idea"?

No, they said, "That stinks!

You got two eyes on one side of the head."

-Okay, but filming the wind? -It could be good. Great!

-Yoko said-- -"Yoko said."

-What? -And now you're be on a fast?

No. I said I might try it.

-'Cause Yoko said-- -"Yoko said"!

When she starts a new project, she goes on a fast.

If we're working together, why wouldn't I try it?

Why would you do that?

What, like eating is working out terrifically for me?

Have you been on a cleansing fast?

Do you know what it feels like to fast for five days?

I'll let you know in five days.

If Yoko said, "jump off the Brooklyn Bridge," would you?

I wouldn't do it, necessarily,

but I wouldn't dismiss it summarily.

"Yoko said"!

What?

SYCOPHANT: Film the wind?

I think it's a great idea.

She's spot on. It's a brilliant concept.

-How do you do that? -What's that?

Film the wind.

It's not written yet.

Is that turkey?

Tuna. Would you like some?

No. I can't. I'm fasting five days.

I'm on day two and I'm getting a bit of a buzz.

[CLEARS THROAT]

-Paul. -What? Yes.

-When you say wind... -Yes?

...could you be more specific?

It's all in here. I have a treatment.

I have a few things to run by legal,

but I'm pretty sure wind is public domain.

-Wow. -What?

What?

This is what it'll cost to film the wind?

Okay, you tell me. How much does it cost to film wind?

You tell me.

This costs more than the shark expedition.

Yeah, because anybody can film sharks.

Get in a cage, wave meat, they just show up.

Try to get wind when you need it,

then talk to me.

-That's my point. -What's your point?

Because I don't follow you. I don't understand.

We don't get it.

What don't you get?

I don't understand what you don't get.

Wind, wind, as free as the wind.

I should write this down.

But when we film the wind,

what, exactly, will you be filming?

[EXHALES]

You know what?

Forget it. Just forget it, okay?

Forget the wind. Forget the whole thing.

I'm so tired of the abuse and the questions.

Everybody questioning everything!

I'm so tired of the whole Mickey Mouse operation.

If you don't want to be part of this wind-breaking project...

What did I say?

This groundbreaking project, then fine.

We'll take it somewhere else. I'm sure A&E

or the Weather Channel will be happy. I'll tell Miss Ono.

Paul, look, I've spoken to the people upstairs.

They love that we got Yoko.

They're bumping Jacques Cousteau for this.

Go. Spend what you've got to spend,

but remember, there's a lot riding on this.

Did you have bacon this morning?

-IRA: Paulie, smell that. -PAUL: What?

-The city, the crisp air. -This is what I want to get.

Wind, you know, like night wind. Autumn wind, you know.

I was thinking, for music underneath, check this out.

♪ ["TALKING TO THE UNIVERSE" BY YOKO ONO PLAYS] ♪

-What is that? -That's Yoko's new album.

-You don't like it? -I didn't say that.

-You don't get it. -I don't get what?

You don't get it 'cause it's art,

like this wind movie.

-This wind movie is not art. -What, like you know?

-Yeah. Wanna know what art is? -Tell me.

Art is the representation of that which the mind

can imagine but only the heart knows to be true.

Where did you get that, Empire Szechuan?

What, you think you know everything about me?

Want to know what else art is?

This meatball hero from Stromboli's.

They have this olive oil... you got to try it.

I can't! Yoko said--

"Yoko said"! You're driving yourself crazy!

It's a big deal for me! I'm doing a film for Yoko Ono.

I don't want to screw it up.

And the Explorer Channel is all hot and bothered.

They want something great.

I have no idea what the hell I'm doing.

I'm on a roof at night, filming wind.

Yeah, look at yourself!

Oh, I was supposed to meet Yoko half an hour ago!

-Eat something! -I can't! Yoko said!

"Yoko said".

Hey! The wind!

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Paul?

Paul, is that you?

Slow down, honey.

You have to slow down. I don't understand.

Now you've slowed down, but you're speaking Danish.

Yoko? What about Yoko?

I don't know. I haven't checked the messages. Hold on.

[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]

YOKO: Paul, it's Yoko. 7:20.

-Guess you're on your way.-[BEEP]

-Did you hear that? -[PAUL WHIMPERS UNINTELLIGIBLY]

YOKO: It's 8:45. And I'm not laughing.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Hold on. Don't move.

-Who is it? -Yoko.

Uh... Just one second.

Paul, it's Yoko! She's here! She's outside... who is this?

Where is the man who was just on this phone?

Well, pick him up and put him on.

Never mind!

Yoko...

-Hi, Jamie. -Come in.

-Have you seen Paul? -He was just on the phone.

He was supposed to meet me an hour and a half ago.

Please come in. He said to apologize profusely.

He's on his way, and he'll explain when he gets here.

He said to trust him.

He has everything under control.

PAUL: Yoko!

Yoko!

Then I would do a split to symbolize the split

between the male and female within us.

It was college. I was more limber then.

Then I would...

I would slowly rise up and bring my legs together

to symbolize the unity of our separate selves.

And then I ended with some leaps.

That's very nice.

-May I use your phone? -Sure.

I just want to get my messages.

For privacy, there's one in the bedroom.

-Good, thank you. -Okay.

God help me! I lost Yoko!

-Sweetie... -I can't do this anymore.

My brain is fried, and I'm so hungry,

I would eat my fried brain. That's how hungry I am.

-Sweetie... -I don't know what I'm doing!

You can't film wind!

It's swirling around and blowing and getting in my eyes.

-Sweetie! -What?

[YELPS]

Yoko.

-Hello, Paul. -Hi. Um...

So, uh... [EXHALES]

How's everything?

Well, you tell me.

Good. It's all good. Everything... [CLEARS THROAT]

What is this?

It this one of those Armenian roll-up sandwiches I love?

Yes, honey. Want a little bit?

Paul.

You know what they have in this, Yoko?

These little pickles. They slice them,

-You can get them separately. -YOKO: Paul...

-And they cut the eggplant... -Sweetie, have a piece.

I can't. I'm fasting. No food! No food at all.

-Paul? -Yes, Yoko, I'm with you.

You don't have to film the wind, you know.

No, I'm going to... I want to film the wind...

Really?

It's only an idea. It's no biggie.

-I need more. -I think so.

Well, I tell you... This is so good.

I'm very glad to hear that, Yoko,

because I don't know how to do it. [LAUGHS]

I'm out there trying. I don't see it.

I don't... I don't think I'm fasting anymore!

Maybe it was just a bad idea.

Everybody's entitled to one bad idea.

John once thought that Ringo should be in the front.

And I just said, "John, come on."

Well, you were right there, 'cause that's a bad idea.

Honey, the problem is, you promised

the Explorer Channel a Yoko film.

They gave you a budget and a time slot.

Well, we can do something else.

Paul, tell me what you want to do.

-What I want to do? -Mm-hmm.

Okay, 'cause I have a lot of ideas.

Mm-hmm.

Ideas are never the problem 'cause I'm a fountain of ideas.

Um...

Okay, I was just thinking,

what about you're in the Chrysler Building...

and there are falcons.

-Hmm. And it's windy? -Yeah!

♪ ["GIVE PEACE A CHANCE" BY JOHN LENNON PLAYS] ♪

Give peace a chance.

That's all we are saying.