Original subtitles

[JAMIE MOANS]

Ow, ow.

[JAMIE MOANS]

♪ [THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

Come on, we'll zip to 8th street to the dry cleaners

and swing over to 6th for the shirts,

Jump over to Union Square for groceries

and then we'll... we'll...

-Scoot. -Scoot. Thank you.

We'll scoot to 14th Street take care of shoe guy.

Glad it's the weekend?

Yeah, welcome to life in the big city.

-Work all week like a dog... -[MURRAY BARKS]

That's a figure of speech.

So Saturday, you can carry your pants for 30 blocks.

We're not going anywhere until we make a grocery list.

We don't need a grocery list. Come on.

-We'll peruse. -That's how we get into trouble.

-What kind of trouble? -Hearts of palms?

I just wanted to know what that was.

-Write down milk. -Milk. Gotta have milk.

-Cookies. -Cookies.

Goes right with the milk.

-Chicken. -Hey, how about veal?

Never, never, never veal.

Why? Because it's so cruel how they raise them.

That's right.

You think they take chickens dancing first?

Write down eggs.

-What's first, chicken or eggs? -You want to do this or not?

-I'm writing eggs. -[PHONE RINGING]

Hello. Hi, Sylvia.

[WHISPERING] Hey, no.

-Really? -No.

-Noonish? -No!

Okay. We'll be there. Bye-bye.

-Unless possibly yes. -She's having a thing.

-What kind of thing? -A lunch.

We have no time for lunch. We've got scooting, zipping...

At some point, I have to call my editor.

I have to listen to salmon.

-I'm sorry? -For that fish movie.

Did you know that salmon can sing to each other?

What do they sing?

Ironically, show tunes.

Well, we have a plate of hers and she needs it.

-A plate? -A dish.

-A dish? -What are you 90 years old?

-A dish. -What kind?

A Farberware dish and she wants it back.

Oh, boy are you blind?

-What? -You...

My mother has like, 6,000 Farberware dishes.

Farber calls her for dishes.

This is... This is a trick.

I want to see her. What's the big deal?

Excuse me?

She'll be the grandmother of our children.

I'd like to cultivate a relationship with her.

Can we cultivate it another day?

We're on errand-running trouble, here.

I'm down to a thong and a pair of tube socks.

I believe that's my thong.

Well, then I'm down to a pair of tube socks.

You don't care what relationship I have with her?

I care, but I also know the reality of the situation.

-Which is? -Nobody cultivates

a relationship with my mother.

Either she cultivates you, or you plant nothing that year.

-I refuse to believe that. -Yeah, 'cause you know.

Come on.

We'll whiz to 23rd street after we hop to sixth.

Alright. Murray, lobby full of poodles!

[MURRAY BARKS]

-Why do you lie to him? -What?

Here you go, dog food.

-He hates this dry stuff. -It's low sodium.

What does it mean when your dog and father have the same diet?

It means pretty soon Murray'll be wearing white pants.

-You're funny. -Thank you.

-Yams. -Yams.

I think I'll tell Sylvia today.

-Oh, don't. -Why not?

Why would... Why start trouble?

She should know we're trying to get pregnant.

-Why share that with people? -It's not people, it's family.

But why... Let's wait till we're pregnant.

Then we can present it as a done deal.

Hey, everybody, we're not only trying,

we're succeeding. How about that?

I think she'd like to know.

What's your big fantasy?

Do you think you're gonna tell her and she's gonna

give you a big hug and kiss and be your best friend?

-No. -Yes, you do.

You think she'll give you a big hug, big kiss.

What is wrong with a big hug and kiss?

It just won't happen, my friend.

Fine.

-I say this because I love you. -Fine.

Really fine or kiss my ass fine?

Really fine.

All right.

-BURT: Hey! -JAMIE AND PAUL: Hey.

-Hey. -Murray says hey.

-What are you running errands? -No, we're Bedouins now.

-What's with all the stuff? -What?

-PAUL: What's going on? -Oh, your mother...

-I don't want to talk about it. -Oh, good, you're here.

We brought your dish.

-Dish? What dish? -Okay.

See why it's foolish to doubt me?

Oh, the dish. I forgot.

-Thank you. -Yeah, okay.

Ma, what's going on? What is the trick?

What? There's no trick. Thank God, the dish.

-Ma, what? -There is no trick.

I was listening to TV. You know Martha Stewart?

-Very sturdy girl. -Isn't she great?

-She could use a stiff drink. -Yeah.

But she had an interesting thing for me.

-For you? -SYLVIA: For me.

She suggested I should gather the family and have them decide

who will get what of mine after I go over.

-Go over? -Pass on.

You won't pass on. You'll die.

Anyway, you won't die.

Is there something we should know?

No, I figure 30 years.

You don't want to wait till the last minute.

-Exactly. -So, you tricked us here?

What? I tricked you. So, you're a big detective.

-Can we go now? -No.

-PAUL: All righty. -I think it's a wonderful idea.

Good, honey. Look. It's very important.

Martha told me that it would prevent fights and frictions

-after I'm gone. -What will you care?

-You'll be gone. -How do you know?

Maybe I have to watch. Maybe I'll come back.

If I'm gonna be reincarnated,

I don't want to be aggravated, too.

It wouldn't be a picnic for us, either.

-Don't be cute. -All right.

Paul, blue stickers are for you.

Oh, good.

Yellow are for Debbie and red is for Sharon

and orange is for Ira and here's a couple for her.

Maybe she'll find something rustic.

-[LAUGHS] Thank you. -You're welcome.

What a good chin.

-Doesn't she have a good chin? -She's a delight.

-Okay. Now can we go? -It'll make her happy.

-For how long? -Forty-five minutes.

Okay, 45 minutes of happy.

She carried you for nine months.

I paid that back years ago.

[PHONE RINGING]

SYLVIA: I'll get it. It's Sharon.

She knows who it is by the ring.

It used to scare me, but now I think it's cute.

-Hi, Paulie. -She got you, too?

I called to warn you.

How'd we both waltz into her nefarious trap?

Hello. Hi, Sharon.

First, everything you tagged over the phone doesn't count.

-SYLVIA: No fighting. -We're not fighting.

I'll tell you why. Because we never discussed this.

One weekend in the fall you wake up and decide

you'll inherit Mom's China? I don't think so, Sharon?

SYLVIA: Stop being so hard on her.

Stop spoiling her.

We're not talking about you.

SYLVIA: For God's sake, she's separated.

Because she's spoiled.

Steve said if she didn't get her way, she'd sulk.

We're not talking about you.

SYLVIA: Meanwhile, that Steve is no prize.

You never think anyone we marry is a prize.

SYLVIA: Not a first prize.

If she wants something, let her get her big ass out of bed

and come and get it.

Yes, we are talking about you.

See this great plan of Mom's? There's no friction or fighting!

-How're you doing, Deb? -Great.

-Can I tell her? -Tell me what?

-Tell her what? -You know the thing.

-What thing. -The personal thing?

The private, sensitive thing that's no-one's business?

-Yes. -Go ahead, tell her.

-Paul and I are trying. -You're kidding?

Oh, good for you!

About time.

I'm thinking of telling your mother.

-Why? -SYLVIA: All right.

What? Nobody tagged the couch, yet.

You know, Mom, I don't think it's gonna be us.

It could be us.

The great thing about how you decorate is nothing doesn't go.

She meant that good. But first, what are you talking about?

It's a nice couch.

If you're in Fred Sanford's house, this is a nice...

We still don't know what color this couch is.

What do you mean?

She's got three generations of slip covers on it.

You can tell what decade something is from

by what slip covers it's between.

It's like rings of a tree.

-Hey. -You're late.

-I got us coffee. -You bought coffee?

-IRA: Yeah. -I have coffee.

-Well, now you have more coffee. -Don't be cute.

Hey, Splinky, did you know about this?

-I love Martha Stewart. -What?

She's cute and knows everything.

-Look at these. -Oh, boy.

Your little feet used to feet right in here.

Yeah, that's why I didn't walk till I was seven.

Those are not taggable.

Okey-dokey.

-How about this beauty? -What is that?

This is how they fed the Mills brother's.

Who wants this shampoo?

Huh? Shampoo? You know what, Dad?

If I'm not mistaken, I think Martha intended

-for the big items to go. -Never opened, from the Hyatt!

I think... No.

Don't look at me. This wasn't my idea.

I know. Hey, did Murray eat?

Like an animal! Hey, I want to talk to you.

Okay. Can it wait one second? I have to call my editor.

-Huh? -I've got to call my editor

-and listen to an audio track. -A what?

I've got to listen to an audio track.

In this case, it's salmon that, like, sing.

Smoked salmon?

I'm just using the phone for a second.

Hey, I got us coffee.

-You bought coffee? -Oh, geez.

-Who buys coffee? -Just take the coffee?

-Did you get the salami? -Yeah.

-Oh, great. -SYLVIA: Hey, no salt.

-[MURRAY BARKS] -PAUL: Murray, no salt!

Mur...

Come here. What did we say? Drop that. What did we say?

How're you doing, Burt?

In the end, you know what it comes down to?

We buy too much crap.

I kind of wanted to tell you something.

Tell me something?

Paul and I are trying to have a baby.

You're kidding! How much do you need?

No, we're fine.

-Are you sure? -I'm sure.

Well, I want to take him to the zoo.

-What if he's a she? -I'll take her to the zoo.

I'll take them both, and then we'll have ice-cream.

That would be great.

Unless you don't want them having ice-cream.

-No, a little's okay. -A little is plenty. [LAUGHS]

I'm thinking of telling Sylvia.

Why?

SYLVIA: Is everybody tagging?

-What is with you? -What?

How stupid is it that you're here?

I mean, you want to be here?

-What could you possibly want? -A scarf.

A scarf.

Yeah, a fancy scarf with a coach and horses. It's for my ma.

You cheap, bastard. Buy her something.

She thinks she left it here.

She thinks that your mother borrowed it

and never returned it.

-When was this? -I don't know.

Supposedly, Happy Rockefeller tripped on it at a rally.

How you doing?

I'm okay.

So... Paul and I have some news.

-No. -What?

-Well, you just started trying. -You told him?

I told him because it's him.

-So, you're pregnant? -No, we're trying.

-Point is, you're having fun. -[JAMIE LAUGHS]

-Doing our best. -Will you tell Sylvia?

-I'm thinking about it. -Why?

All right. I have this wonderful freezer bag sealing system.

You can make a soup,

it'll keep for 6 years. Still untagged.

Still untagged? I thought it'd be the first to go.

-Sylvia. -You want the sealer system?

-Sure. -It's yours.

I have 5,000 plastic bags in the closet.

I'll go get them.

Let's start freezing things right now.

-Sylvia. -What is it, dear?

Can I just talk to you for a second?

Of course.

-How're you doing? -Fine.

Good.

-Was there anything else? -Yes.

Paul and I have some wonderful news.

Oh, and what is that, honey?

-We're trying. -Trying?

We're trying to get pregnant.

Oh, good for you.

I'll get the bags.

Boy, who could've seen that coming?

-That's it. I give up. -All right.

-Cultivate a relationship? -Sweetie--

-If she weren't your mother-- -Then what?

Then something very, very bad.

[PHONE RINGING]

-SYLVIA: It's your editor -How does she do that?

Nobody knows. Don't get that.

I'm not speaking ill of her. I'm just saying she's needy.

Have you ever seen needy like that? Have you?

-Have you? -[PHONE CONTINUES RINGING]

-Have you? -No.

No, and over-sensitive as a rabbit's eye.

-PAUL: I got it. -All right.

PAUL: Hello?

In the meantime, nobody's eating my lox.

Tag it, they'll have it when you go over.

PAUL: Okay. Put in the tape.

All right, Mr. Meska, let's hear them fishies sing.

That was the short stop for the Giants, Roger Meska.

Remember? Number eight.

Yeah, Dad, I'm actually on the phone, here.

Where is she?

Hiding in the kitchen for the rest of the day?

You could make an effort with her, Mom.

I made a tremendous effort with her.

You made no effort with her,

just like you never made an effort with Gary or Steve.

I made an effort with Gary, and certainly with Steve.

You never.

Can everybody make an effort quietly, please?

-Who are you talking to? -Ask Dad.

Fish.

Can I say, a phone in the bedroom

for six dollars a month wouldn't be the worst thing.

It wouldn't kill you to go in there and talk to her.

Stop telling me what'll kill me.

-Should I go and talk to her? -It wouldn't kill you.

-You had salami. -PAUL: All right.

Good. Thanks for calling.

You wouldn't think a fish'd know all of Guys and Dolls.

So, can I talk to you or are you waiting for a shark to yodel?

No, no, no tell me what's on your mind?

-See, here's what. -What?

You see, Paulie, when you and your sisters were small,

I did what a father does.

I bought some things.

Some stocks, some shares, some shares of things.

Are you saying you bought some stocks?

-Yes! -All right.

And your sister Sharon's stocks, Merck... God bless it.

-What a company. -Oh, that's good, huh?

And then your sister Debbie's stocks, McDonnell Douglas...

[MAKES ROCKET SOUND]

Like a rocket! Which they make, by the way.

-Great for Debbie, huh? -Yeah, good for Debbie.

Now your stock... U.S. Cycle Mates.

-Okay. -Who knew?

-Yeah. -Tab was only one calorie.

Fat women thought they were seeing the hand of God.

Well, who could blame them?

I want to do something for you to make it up.

-Oh, that's silly. -No, it's the least I can do.

-Dad, you don't have to do this. -No, no!

-Please that's silly. -Here.

What is this?

My dad gave me that money clip when he came back from the war.

Okay. You bought this.

Huh?

I was with you when you bought this.

I want to give you something you can give to your son

that you've been trying for.

-Well, fair enough. Okay. -[LAUGHS]

Let me tell you something.

No matter when I die, it's gonna piss me off.

Hey, me too.

SYLVIA: Everybody tagging?

-We're tagging! -Yeah, we're tagging.

Excuse me.

-All right. How are you doing? -Let's go.

-Where are you going? -You're right. It's pointless.

We'll never be pals, that's what she wants, so she wins.

Okay. That's it. I'll talk to her.

What do you mean?

I don't like her making you feel like this whenever you come here

This is the last time.

-What'll you say? -I know what to say.

I'll tell her you're the woman I love,

and she should treat you like that.

-And the grandchild thing. -And the grandchild thing Yeah.

I'll tell her you're gonna give birth to her flesh and blood,

and it's time for her to stop the games.

-And the coldness. -The coldness.

-What about it? -No coldness.

I'll say, "No more coldness."

And I don't want to be criticized as a mother.

You know what, you do it. It's too...

And say what?

What do you say to somebody you can't talk to?

-She's your daughter-in-law. -See that's typical.

I'm dying and we spend the whole day worrying about her.

-You're not dying. -Well, the second part.

Why do I have to walk on eggshells with her?

You don't have to. Just go and talk to her.

There's a side of you that I don't like.

Burt.

Don't tell your mother what to do.

Thank you.

Just walk in there and talk to her.

So, I'm going!

♪ ["THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY" THEME MUSIC PLAYS] ♪

-[DOOR CREAKS LIKE SALOON DOOR] -[HORSE NEIGHS]

-[WIND HOWLS] -[GUN COCKS]

I'll play in the bedroom.

So. How are you?

Fine. How are you?

-I'm fine. -Good.

What do you know, blue?

This isn't the couch we ordered.

Look at this.

Kennedy to fly to Dallas.

Look at this! Ma's scarf. Coaches and horses.

All right, see that? you call my mother a thief...

She didn't borrow it, she sat on it.

All right. I stand corrected.

Just tell me.

What do I do to reach you, Sylvia?

What do I do to get through to you?

Do you want me to beg?

I'm begging. Okay. Do you want me to crawl?

Here I am, crawling. Do you see me crawling?

Do you want me to change how I talk?

Okay. [ROARING] I'll change how I talk!

Do you want me to change how I dress?

Fine. Look at me, I'm just gonna change how I dress.

Okay? You want me to change my hair? Look.

I'm gonna change the way my hair.

I'm gonna cut it right now. Sylvia, I swear to God I will!

Those aren't the right scissors, darling.

Well, I tried, you know? I really tried.

Hey, you talked to her.

I humiliated myself. It was humiliation.

I had such modest goals for today. Just...

Really, just to pick up some clean shirts,

get some food, fix some shoes...

That was the extent of my expectations.

-Oh, good. -What'd she give you?

Three hundred hard-boiled eggs.

-Like I couldn't do that. -Yeah.

A million bagels, so I don't let you wither away.

All right.

Enough lox for the next 111 years.

All right. Picture this. ♪ Luck be a lady, tonight!

This is what they were doing.

-Hey. -What?

Look at this.

Did you take this?

-Are you sure? -Yeah.

Do you see what she does?

I have to call her.

If you learned one thing today, what would that be?

No, I just want to say "thank you".

Do, what you gotta do.

Sylvia? It's Jamie.

Buchman.

Murray, I've been thinking. Today was a difficult day,

but I want you to know that whatever I said

about your mother is no reflection on you.

You are always welcome in my house.

-[MURRAY BARKS] -Good. Now, get off the couch.

[MURRAY GROWLS]