All language subtitles for enMad.About.You.S04.E04.1080p.WEBRIP-Amazon The Good, The Bad And The Not-so-appealing

[JAMIE MOANS]

Ow, ow.

[JAMIE MOANS]

♪ [THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

Come on, we'll zip to 8th street
to the dry cleaners

and swing over to 6th
for the shirts,

Jump over to
Union Square for groceries

and then we'll... we'll...

-Scoot.
-Scoot. Thank you.

We'll scoot to 14th Street
take care of shoe guy.

Glad it's the weekend?

Yeah, welcome to life
in the big city.

-Work all week like a dog...
-[MURRAY BARKS]

That's a figure of speech.

So Saturday, you can carry
your pants for 30 blocks.

We're not going anywhere
until we make a grocery list.

We don't need a grocery list.
Come on.

-We'll peruse.
-That's how we get into trouble.

-What kind of trouble?
-Hearts of palms?

I just wanted to
know what that was.

-Write down milk.
-Milk. Gotta have milk.

-Cookies.
-Cookies.

Goes right with the milk.

-Chicken.
-Hey, how about veal?

Never, never, never veal.

Why? Because it's so cruel
how they raise them.

That's right.

You think they take
chickens dancing first?

Write down eggs.

-What's first, chicken or eggs?
-You want to do this or not?

-I'm writing eggs.
-[PHONE RINGING]

Hello. Hi, Sylvia.

[WHISPERING] Hey, no.

-Really?
-No.

-Noonish?
-No!

Okay. We'll be there. Bye-bye.

-Unless possibly yes.
-She's having a thing.

-What kind of thing?
-A lunch.

We have no time for lunch.
We've got scooting, zipping...

At some point,
I have to call my editor.

I have to listen to salmon.

-I'm sorry?
-For that fish movie.

Did you know that salmon
can sing to each other?

What do they sing?

Ironically, show tunes.

Well, we have a plate of hers
and she needs it.

-A plate?
-A dish.

-A dish?
-What are you 90 years old?

-A dish.
-What kind?

A Farberware dish
and she wants it back.

Oh, boy are you blind?

-What?
-You...

My mother has like,
6,000 Farberware dishes.

Farber calls her for dishes.

This is... This is a trick.

I want to see her.
What's the big deal?

Excuse me?

She'll be the grandmother
of our children.

I'd like to cultivate
a relationship with her.

Can we cultivate it another day?

We're on errand-running
trouble, here.

I'm down to a thong
and a pair of tube socks.

I believe that's my thong.

Well, then I'm down
to a pair of tube socks.

You don't care what
relationship I have with her?

I care, but I also know
the reality of the situation.

-Which is?
-Nobody cultivates

a relationship with my mother.

Either she cultivates you,
or you plant nothing that year.

-I refuse to believe that.
-Yeah, 'cause you know.

Come on.

We'll whiz to 23rd street
after we hop to sixth.

Alright. Murray,
lobby full of poodles!

[MURRAY BARKS]

-Why do you lie to him?
-What?

Here you go, dog food.

-He hates this dry stuff.
-It's low sodium.

What does it mean when your dog
and father have the same diet?

It means pretty soon Murray'll
be wearing white pants.

-You're funny.
-Thank you.

-Yams.
-Yams.

I think I'll tell Sylvia today.

-Oh, don't.
-Why not?

Why would... Why start trouble?

She should know
we're trying to get pregnant.

-Why share that with people?
-It's not people, it's family.

But why... Let's wait
till we're pregnant.

Then we can present
it as a done deal.

Hey, everybody,
we're not only trying,

we're succeeding.
How about that?

I think she'd like to know.

What's your big fantasy?

Do you think you're gonna
tell her and she's gonna

give you a big hug and kiss
and be your best friend?

-No.
-Yes, you do.

You think she'll
give you a big hug, big kiss.

What is wrong
with a big hug and kiss?

It just won't happen, my friend.

Fine.

-I say this because I love you.
-Fine.

Really fine or kiss my ass fine?

Really fine.

All right.

-BURT: Hey!
-JAMIE AND PAUL: Hey.

-Hey.
-Murray says hey.

-What are you running errands?
-No, we're Bedouins now.

-What's with all the stuff?
-What?

-PAUL: What's going on?
-Oh, your mother...

-I don't want to talk about it.
-Oh, good, you're here.

We brought your dish.

-Dish? What dish?
-Okay.

See why it's foolish
to doubt me?

Oh, the dish. I forgot.

-Thank you.
-Yeah, okay.

Ma, what's going on?
What is the trick?

What? There's no trick.
Thank God, the dish.

-Ma, what?
-There is no trick.

I was listening to TV.
You know Martha Stewart?

-Very sturdy girl.
-Isn't she great?

-She could use a stiff drink.
-Yeah.

But she had an
interesting thing for me.

-For you?
-SYLVIA: For me.

She suggested I should gather
the family and have them decide

who will get what
of mine after I go over.

-Go over?
-Pass on.

You won't pass on. You'll die.

Anyway, you won't die.

Is there something
we should know?

No, I figure 30 years.

You don't want to wait till
the last minute.

-Exactly.
-So, you tricked us here?

What? I tricked you.
So, you're a big detective.

-Can we go now?
-No.

-PAUL: All righty.
-I think it's a wonderful idea.

Good, honey.
Look. It's very important.

Martha told me that it would
prevent fights and frictions

-after I'm gone.
-What will you care?

-You'll be gone.
-How do you know?

Maybe I have to watch.
Maybe I'll come back.

If I'm gonna be reincarnated,

I don't want
to be aggravated, too.

It wouldn't be a picnic
for us, either.

-Don't be cute.
-All right.

Paul, blue stickers are for you.

Oh, good.

Yellow are for Debbie
and red is for Sharon

and orange is for Ira
and here's a couple for her.

Maybe she'll find
something rustic.

-[LAUGHS] Thank you.
-You're welcome.

What a good chin.

-Doesn't she have a good chin?
-She's a delight.

-Okay. Now can we go?
-It'll make her happy.

-For how long?
-Forty-five minutes.

Okay, 45 minutes of happy.

She carried you for nine months.

I paid that back years ago.

[PHONE RINGING]

SYLVIA: I'll get it.
It's Sharon.

She knows who it is by the ring.

It used to scare me,
but now I think it's cute.

-Hi, Paulie.
-She got you, too?

I called to warn you.

How'd we both waltz
into her nefarious trap?

Hello. Hi, Sharon.

First, everything you tagged
over the phone doesn't count.

-SYLVIA: No fighting.
-We're not fighting.

I'll tell you why.
Because we never discussed this.

One weekend in the fall
you wake up and decide

you'll inherit Mom's China?
I don't think so, Sharon?

SYLVIA: Stop being
so hard on her.

Stop spoiling her.

We're not talking about you.

SYLVIA: For God's sake,
she's separated.

Because she's spoiled.

Steve said if she didn't
get her way, she'd sulk.

We're not talking about you.

SYLVIA: Meanwhile,
that Steve is no prize.

You never think anyone
we marry is a prize.

SYLVIA: Not a first prize.

If she wants something, let her
get her big ass out of bed

and come and get it.

Yes, we are talking about you.

See this great plan of Mom's?
There's no friction or fighting!

-How're you doing, Deb?
-Great.

-Can I tell her?
-Tell me what?

-Tell her what?
-You know the thing.

-What thing.
-The personal thing?

The private, sensitive thing
that's no-one's business?

-Yes.
-Go ahead, tell her.

-Paul and I are trying.
-You're kidding?

Oh, good for you!

About time.

I'm thinking of telling
your mother.

-Why?
-SYLVIA: All right.

What? Nobody tagged
the couch, yet.

You know, Mom, I don't think
it's gonna be us.

It could be us.

The great thing about how you
decorate is nothing doesn't go.

She meant that good. But first,
what are you talking about?

It's a nice couch.

If you're in Fred Sanford's
house, this is a nice...

We still don't know
what color this couch is.

What do you mean?

She's got three generations
of slip covers on it.

You can tell what decade
something is from

by what slip covers
it's between.

It's like rings of a tree.

-Hey.
-You're late.

-I got us coffee.
-You bought coffee?

-IRA: Yeah.
-I have coffee.

-Well, now you have more coffee.
-Don't be cute.

Hey, Splinky,
did you know about this?

-I love Martha Stewart.
-What?

She's cute and knows everything.

-Look at these.
-Oh, boy.

Your little feet used
to feet right in here.

Yeah, that's why I didn't walk
till I was seven.

Those are not taggable.

Okey-dokey.

-How about this beauty?
-What is that?

This is how they fed
the Mills brother's.

Who wants this shampoo?

Huh? Shampoo?
You know what, Dad?

If I'm not mistaken,
I think Martha intended

-for the big items to go.
-Never opened, from the Hyatt!

I think... No.

Don't look at me.
This wasn't my idea.

I know. Hey, did Murray eat?

Like an animal!
Hey, I want to talk to you.

Okay. Can it wait one second?
I have to call my editor.

-Huh?
-I've got to call my editor

-and listen to an audio track.
-A what?

I've got to listen
to an audio track.

In this case,
it's salmon that, like, sing.

Smoked salmon?

I'm just using
the phone for a second.

Hey, I got us coffee.

-You bought coffee?
-Oh, geez.

-Who buys coffee?
-Just take the coffee?

-Did you get the salami?
-Yeah.

-Oh, great.
-SYLVIA: Hey, no salt.

-[MURRAY BARKS]
-PAUL: Murray, no salt!

Mur...

Come here. What did we say?
Drop that. What did we say?

How're you doing, Burt?

In the end, you know
what it comes down to?

We buy too much crap.

I kind of wanted
to tell you something.

Tell me something?

Paul and I are
trying to have a baby.

You're kidding!
How much do you need?

No, we're fine.

-Are you sure?
-I'm sure.

Well, I want to
take him to the zoo.

-What if he's a she?
-I'll take her to the zoo.

I'll take them both,
and then we'll have ice-cream.

That would be great.

Unless you don't want
them having ice-cream.

-No, a little's okay.
-A little is plenty. [LAUGHS]

I'm thinking of telling Sylvia.

Why?

SYLVIA: Is everybody tagging?

-What is with you?
-What?

How stupid is it
that you're here?

I mean, you want to be here?

-What could you possibly want?
-A scarf.

A scarf.

Yeah, a fancy scarf with a coach
and horses. It's for my ma.

You cheap, bastard.
Buy her something.

She thinks she left it here.

She thinks that
your mother borrowed it

and never returned it.

-When was this?
-I don't know.

Supposedly, Happy Rockefeller
tripped on it at a rally.

How you doing?

I'm okay.

So... Paul and I have some news.

-No.
-What?

-Well, you just started trying.
-You told him?

I told him because it's him.

-So, you're pregnant?
-No, we're trying.

-Point is, you're having fun.
-[JAMIE LAUGHS]

-Doing our best.
-Will you tell Sylvia?

-I'm thinking about it.
-Why?

All right. I have this wonderful
freezer bag sealing system.

You can make a soup,

it'll keep for 6 years.
Still untagged.

Still untagged? I thought
it'd be the first to go.

-Sylvia.
-You want the sealer system?

-Sure.
-It's yours.

I have 5,000
plastic bags in the closet.

I'll go get them.

Let's start freezing things
right now.

-Sylvia.
-What is it, dear?

Can I just talk to
you for a second?

Of course.

-How're you doing?
-Fine.

Good.

-Was there anything else?
-Yes.

Paul and I have
some wonderful news.

Oh, and what is that, honey?

-We're trying.
-Trying?

We're trying to get pregnant.

Oh, good for you.

I'll get the bags.

Boy, who could've
seen that coming?

-That's it. I give up.
-All right.

-Cultivate a relationship?
-Sweetie--

-If she weren't your mother--
-Then what?

Then something very, very bad.

[PHONE RINGING]

-SYLVIA: It's your editor
-How does she do that?

Nobody knows. Don't get that.

I'm not speaking ill of her.
I'm just saying she's needy.

Have you ever seen
needy like that? Have you?

-Have you?
-[PHONE CONTINUES RINGING]

-Have you?
-No.

No, and over-sensitive
as a rabbit's eye.

-PAUL: I got it.
-All right.

PAUL: Hello?

In the meantime,
nobody's eating my lox.

Tag it, they'll have it
when you go over.

PAUL: Okay. Put in the tape.

All right, Mr. Meska,
let's hear them fishies sing.

That was the short stop
for the Giants, Roger Meska.

Remember? Number eight.

Yeah, Dad, I'm actually
on the phone, here.

Where is she?

Hiding in the kitchen
for the rest of the day?

You could make
an effort with her, Mom.

I made a tremendous effort
with her.

You made no effort with her,

just like you never made
an effort with Gary or Steve.

I made an effort with Gary,
and certainly with Steve.

You never.

Can everybody make
an effort quietly, please?

-Who are you talking to?
-Ask Dad.

Fish.

Can I say, a phone
in the bedroom

for six dollars a month
wouldn't be the worst thing.

It wouldn't kill you to go
in there and talk to her.

Stop telling me
what'll kill me.

-Should I go and talk to her?
-It wouldn't kill you.

-You had salami.
-PAUL: All right.

Good. Thanks for calling.

You wouldn't think a fish'd know
all of Guys and Dolls.

So, can I talk to you or are you
waiting for a shark to yodel?

No, no, no tell me
what's on your mind?

-See, here's what.
-What?

You see, Paulie, when you
and your sisters were small,

I did what a father does.

I bought some things.

Some stocks, some shares,
some shares of things.

Are you saying you
bought some stocks?

-Yes!
-All right.

And your sister Sharon's stocks,
Merck... God bless it.

-What a company.
-Oh, that's good, huh?

And then your sister Debbie's
stocks, McDonnell Douglas...

[MAKES ROCKET SOUND]

Like a rocket!
Which they make, by the way.

-Great for Debbie, huh?
-Yeah, good for Debbie.

Now your stock...
U.S. Cycle Mates.

-Okay.
-Who knew?

-Yeah.
-Tab was only one calorie.

Fat women thought they
were seeing the hand of God.

Well, who could blame them?

I want to do something
for you to make it up.

-Oh, that's silly.
-No, it's the least I can do.

-Dad, you don't have to do this.
-No, no!

-Please that's silly.
-Here.

What is this?

My dad gave me that money clip
when he came back from the war.

Okay. You bought this.

Huh?

I was with you
when you bought this.

I want to give you something
you can give to your son

that you've been trying for.

-Well, fair enough. Okay.
-[LAUGHS]

Let me tell you something.

No matter when I die,
it's gonna piss me off.

Hey, me too.

SYLVIA: Everybody tagging?

-We're tagging!
-Yeah, we're tagging.

Excuse me.

-All right. How are you doing?
-Let's go.

-Where are you going?
-You're right. It's pointless.

We'll never be pals, that's what
she wants, so she wins.

Okay. That's it.
I'll talk to her.

What do you mean?

I don't like her making you feel
like this whenever you come here

This is the last time.

-What'll you say?
-I know what to say.

I'll tell her you're
the woman I love,

and she should
treat you like that.

-And the grandchild thing.
-And the grandchild thing Yeah.

I'll tell her you're gonna give
birth to her flesh and blood,

and it's time for her to stop
the games.

-And the coldness.
-The coldness.

-What about it?
-No coldness.

I'll say,
"No more coldness."

And I don't want to be
criticized as a mother.

You know what,
you do it. It's too...

And say what?

What do you say to
somebody you can't talk to?

-She's your daughter-in-law.
-See that's typical.

I'm dying and we spend the
whole day worrying about her.

-You're not dying.
-Well, the second part.

Why do I have to walk
on eggshells with her?

You don't have to.
Just go and talk to her.

There's a side of you
that I don't like.

Burt.

Don't tell your mother
what to do.

Thank you.

Just walk in there
and talk to her.

So, I'm going!

♪ ["THE GOOD, THE BAD AND
THE UGLY" THEME MUSIC PLAYS] ♪

-[DOOR CREAKS LIKE SALOON DOOR]
-[HORSE NEIGHS]

-[WIND HOWLS]
-[GUN COCKS]

I'll play in the bedroom.

So. How are you?

Fine. How are you?

-I'm fine.
-Good.

What do you know, blue?

This isn't the couch we ordered.

Look at this.

Kennedy to fly to Dallas.

Look at this! Ma's scarf.
Coaches and horses.

All right, see that?
you call my mother a thief...

She didn't borrow it,
she sat on it.

All right. I stand corrected.

Just tell me.

What do I do
to reach you, Sylvia?

What do I do
to get through to you?

Do you want me to beg?

I'm begging. Okay.
Do you want me to crawl?

Here I am, crawling.
Do you see me crawling?

Do you want me to
change how I talk?

Okay. [ROARING]
I'll change how I talk!

Do you want me
to change how I dress?

Fine. Look at me, I'm just
gonna change how I dress.

Okay? You want me
to change my hair? Look.

I'm gonna change
the way my hair.

I'm gonna cut it right now.
Sylvia, I swear to God I will!

Those aren't
the right scissors, darling.

Well, I tried, you know?
I really tried.

Hey, you talked to her.

I humiliated myself.
It was humiliation.

I had such modest goals
for today. Just...

Really, just to pick up
some clean shirts,

get some food,
fix some shoes...

That was the extent
of my expectations.

-Oh, good.
-What'd she give you?

Three hundred hard-boiled eggs.

-Like I couldn't do that.
-Yeah.

A million bagels,
so I don't let you wither away.

All right.

Enough lox
for the next 111 years.

All right. Picture this. ♪ Luck be a lady, tonight!

This is what they were doing.

-Hey.
-What?

Look at this.

Did you take this?

-Are you sure?
-Yeah.

Do you see what she does?

I have to call her.

If you learned one thing today,
what would that be?

No, I just want
to say "thank you".

Do, what you gotta do.

Sylvia? It's Jamie.

Buchman.

Murray, I've been thinking.
Today was a difficult day,

but I want you to know
that whatever I said

about your mother
is no reflection on you.

You are always welcome
in my house.

-[MURRAY BARKS]
-Good. Now, get off the couch.

[MURRAY GROWLS]