Original subtitles

PAUL: Do we have any cantaloupe?

JAMIE: It's out of season.

Cantaloupe doesn't go out of season, it's a year-round fruit.

There's no such thing as a year-round fruit.

Bananas are a year-round fruit.

Then have a banana.

I don't want a banana. I want a cantaloupe.

It's out of season.

Cantaloupes don't go out of season.

[WHINES]

♪ Tell me why I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ As we jump into the final frontier

♪ I'm mad about you, baby

♪ Yeah!

Come on, honey, the bus is coming.

Oh. Never mind.

If I made these, would you eat them?

Would you make those?

If you'd eat 'em.

Yeah, sure. Whatever.

Oh, God, it's two pages.

Forget it. I'm not making them.

Oh, I had my heart set on them, too.

Here we go. Come on.

Yeah, all right. Very good.

I wonder if E.S. and B.L. are still together.

I think so. I think they are,

because they were on the right track.

You know, these were good people.

They took the bus. They--They saved their money.

With the money they saved they bought a nice little house upstate.

Tree-lined street, good school district.

Unfortunately the neighbors' kids are hooligans,

and every Sunday they pelt the house with eggs,

and, you know, the police have to come,

but there's nothing they can do, sadly,

because there's no proof. There's no proof.

Got a pen? For what?

"Bliss or blunder: perfect mate or big mistake?"

No, no, no, no. Come on, come, come on. It's a quiz, it's a quiz.

What kind of quiz? Can you win a boat? No.

Then what good comes of this?

All right. Fine. I'll take it for both of us.

No, you can't. You can't do that.Why not?

Because then it's skewed.

In or out?

All right, go.

Question one. "Do you believe in love at first sight?"

You still have the Sunday Times?

Last one right here.

Thanks.Hey, hey, what are you doing?

My parents' obituary is in here.

Oh, then, gee, go ahead. Both of them?

It was an earthquake.

Really?

Beams hit them.

Beams?

It was very fast. The ground just swallowed up their house.

What?

What? Nothing.

Thanks.

"J. Stemple."

Stemple.

Do you believe that girl?

Hi!

What are you doing with my dry cleaning?

Well, you dropped the slip last night

as you hijacked my newspaper.

How did you find her?

I went to the dry cleaners.

And they told you where I worked?

Well, I--I... I told them I was your houseboy, Coco.

He thinks I have a sexy voice.

He's a nice guy, and he's cute.

He is, isn't he? Yeah, and he gets a little twinkle in his eye.

I know, I know, I know. He's so cute!

Tell me-- Tell me something about her.

Uh, Jamie? Yeah, yeah.

Well, I could tell you this.What?

I think she likes you. No.

No, no, no! Yes, yes, yes!

Why?

Well, you know, you could sense these things.

Because when you know somebody that long,

you could sort of read the signs.

What signs?

Fran told me.

I--I thought about you, too, last night.

And then, when you found me here today,

it's like it was too good to be true.

Now you seem to be this nice guy.

Well, I--I can see why you're troubled.

You realize, if this doesn't work out,

I'm gonna have to blow my brains out.

That's good. So as long as there's no pressure. Yeah.

I just don't want to be disappointed again.

I'll do my best.

Okay, come on. Next question.

"On a scale from 1 to 10,

"rate your sex life."

Only goes up to 10?

It doesn't bother you that we haven't had sex in five days?

Hello!

I just don't understand why it doesn't bother you.

It's been almost a week.

It's not a week.

Sunday will be a week. What's going on with us?

What's going on is that we're married five months

and the sexual part is over.

See, I--I thought you understood that.

I'm sorry. That's what happens when you're married.

Well, I'm stumped. It beats me.

We know how to do this.

[CHUCKLING]

All right, so let's just go back to basics.

Arousal.

Arousal. Yes.

Arouse me.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[CLEARS THROAT]

How you doing? Nice to see you.

How are you? Nice to see you.

Hmm.

What--What--What is this?

I thought we could have sex now.

Then we wouldn't have to do it later.

Are you eating?

I'm nibbling your ear.

I like that.

And I'm going down your body.

I love that.

And...

I am kissing your knees.

What niece? I don't have a niece.

Your knees! Your knees! Oh, my knees! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Come on, get with the program here, babe! Okay, all right. All right.

Okay, I'm, um...

What?

I'm kissing your chest.

I'm enjoying that.

I'm enjoying watching that from here.

Keep watching.

Well, you bet.

I'm kissing down your body.

My tongue is just around your...

[PHONE BEEPS] Hold on a second, I have another call.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

You're right. Let's do it.

Just like that? Bing, bang, boom?

At this point I'd settle for the boom.

You don't want the bing and the bang? I did when we started.

And now? I'm over it.

You're a very complex woman.

You don't want the boom?

Of course I want the boom.

Guys always want the boom.

We only made up the whole bing and the bang just to get the boom.

I thought you liked the bing and the bang.

I love the bing and the bang. I just... I don't always need it.

Neither do I. So then what are we arguing?

We're not! All right!

"Would you say you get along

"all of the time, some of the time, none of the time?"

All of the time. Yeah, right.

Yeah. No... I can't.

Lisa, I got to go. All right, I'll see you when you get here. Hurry up. Goodbye.

Okay, I get it, you're mad. Okay!

How long are you gonna go without talking to me?

What, a week? A month?

Eventually you got to talk to me. Gotta come home and say,

"Hey, look how much money we made on your brilliant investment!"

All right, well, you wanna know the truth?

The truth is we would never had to gone out in the first place

if you didn't let our mothers tag-team you on a damn call waiting!

Oh, so this whole thing is my fault?

Yeah, you're the one who wanted call waiting.

I didn't want call waiting.

I'm perfectly happy with a busy signal.

That's because you don't have that many friends.

I have plenty of friends,

but I'm not so worried about getting back to them. I'm not like you.

"Oh, what if someone's trying to get us?

"What if they wanna get us? They're trying to get us."

Well, they got us, baby. You happy now?

Hey, there's my beautiful bride.

Yeah. Bite me.

All I want you to do is admit that you were wrong.

Listen. You know,

I may have been a few minutes too impulsive.

No, no, no, that's not it.

I was...

Listen, it's not impossible that my judgment was impaired

by the enthusiasm...

Can't you just say you were wrong?

I'm saying this is not the most right I've ever been.

You are pathetic!

I hate that you're being this way.

Well, good, 'cause I hate that you made plans with your sister

on the first Saturday I'm not working in five weeks.

I didn't know you weren't working, for the 416th time.

I said to you Thursday... You said you thought you might not have to.

You never confirmed.

I never confirmed?

What are you, TWA?

Why don't you just say it? Say what?

That I'm driving you nuts. Why would I say that?

'Cause it's true, isn't it? No, it's not.

What, you can't say it?No, you're not... What?

Can you say the words, "I'm driving you nuts"? No, you're not!

Yeah, okay, you know what? Yes, you are! You're driving me nuts!

Okay, then.

No, it's not okay, 'cause, you know, you don't realize what a nut...

You've become nuts. You're just nuts. You're nutty.

You're... Everything... It's... Nutty!

You become quite the nut, my little friend.

And I'll be honest. Yes! You wanted to ask me? Yes! You're driving me crazy.

Well, why didn't you just say something?

[CASUALLY] 'Cause it's all right.

"Who would you say really runs your household?"

[MURRAY PANTING]

Honey?

This is new.

How did Murray do with the mouse today?

There is no mouse.

Oh, there's no mouse? All right, so then what's he been chasing all week?

[MURRAY BARKING] He thinks there's a mouse.

So he runs after nothing 90 miles an hour

and slams into the wall

with this pathetic furry thud.

[THUD]

Hey, this is really low. How do you do this?

[THUD]

[THUD]

Murray, go get the mouse.He doesn't want it.

Murray, look, go get the mouse. He ain't interested.

Here it comes, here it comes. Murray, here comes the mouse.

Here comes the mouse! Here comes the mouse!

[THUD]

Son of a bitch!

Oh!

Look at you!

Hey, isn't that our bus?

Yeah, all right. Very good.

Okay. Let's see.

Wait. W-W-W-What are you doing?

I just want to see if we're winning.

You can't score it till the end.

Just give me round numbers. Are we happy?

We're very happy.

No, I know we're happy. It's just it's nice to have it confirmed numerically.

Wouldn't that be horrible? What?

What if we take this whole test

and find out we're miserable?

I'd leave you.

You'd leave me? In a heartbeat, baby.

That's very sweet.

Sure, 'cause if the magazine says...

Remember I took that nutrition quiz?

Found that I had no potassium?

Got that big jar of Banana Power?

Did you ever take that Banana Power? Not once.

Why did you buy it? Because the magazine said.

There it is! Oop, no, It's not our bus.

All right, give me another question.

"Does your spouse still find

"the little things you do endearing?"

[SLURPING]

[SLURPING]

[SLURPS BRIEFLY]

[GARGLING]

[PAUL SCATTING]

[SNORING]

[SNORTS]

Hey! What are you, nuts?

We talked about that! All right.

Don't do that.

You're nuts.

You're a big nutty nut.

Watch me.

Voila!

WOMAN ON TV: Oh, darling, we'll never be apart. Never.

PAUL: ♪ Matty told Hatty

♪ About the things you done

[SCATTING]

♪ Wooly bully

♪ Wooly bully

♪ Wooly bully

♪ Wooly bully

♪ Wooly bully

How long are we going to be doing this?

"Do you enjoy spending time

"with your spouse's family?"

I'm going to say "yes" anyway.

Look, you have a husband, and I have a husband.

We're women. We're a family. And...

You can talk to me about how you feel.

I want you to.

Paul, you know who I ran into? Gloria Black.

She's gonna want to sit with Betty.

No, Betty's not coming.

It doesn't matter.

You just can't seat people willy-nilly.

Well, it's not willy-nilly here.

You put Estelle Moss with the depressives. Why?

Why? Why? Why do you think, Ma?

She's better. She's not better.

Listen, I wouldn't put Charlie near the bar. You're asking for trouble.

Oh, God. Oh, oh, oh.

Let's change Charlie with Anna.

Which one is Anna? The big one.

The Fosters are coming. Yes.

Where? Where?Right here by the...

[DOORBELL BUZZES] Look, right here!

All right. No, no, no exchanging anything.

[ALL CLAMORING]

Ow! The Bundelots just bit me in the ass.

I was getting worried about you.

You'll never guess who I saw.Who?

Regis Philbin.

Where? Downstairs.

Come on, let's go down. I'll introduce us.

The second act's about to start.

We have time.

Come on... You know what? It probably wasn't even him.

What, I don't know Regis Philbin?

[STUTTERING] Yes. Of course... Hey, you... Hey, listen,

you are the foremost Regis Philbin spotter on the planet.

What are you getting so upset about?

He's not upset. I'm not upset.

[WHISPERING IN AWE] There he is.

Where?Okay, come on, don't point at a guy!

Fourth row.

All right, Pop. Dad, come on.

Hey, that's him. All right.

Didn't I tell you? Right.

Honey, it actually is him. I'm very excited.

Hey, up here! Hey! Okay, Dad, come on. Dad? Dad?

[GROANING] Hello, Regis!

Hey, James, how you doing? Good. We were just running...

[SILENCING]

One thing, all right?

It's totally up to you,

but I was talking to this buddy of mine

who does these comic book conventions, right?

And again, totally up to you,

but If we wanted to make a little extra money, you know, I mean,

just, you know, taking your picture with the people, stuff like that...

No. Totally up to you.

I know. I know. Easy money. Really easy money.

[WHISPERING] I think you should move.

So... Okay, so you think about it.

Your mother was in labor for 26 hours?

I had a very big head.

Tell her I appreciated the accommodations back then.

I am out now.

And get over the scampi!

Mrs. Buchman, hold on one second, I got another call.

Hello. Buchman residence. It's Jamie's mom.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Stemple. Jamie, it's your mom.

No, forget it. No. She sounds happy.

Of course she sounds happy. Tell her to call back when she's not.

Mrs. Stemple, can you hold on a minute?

Mrs. Buchman, can I tell you something?

Go ahead, darling.

Last Labor Day, when Jamie's parents had that big barbecue,

[EXCLAIMING SOFTLY]No, no, no, no!

Jamie's mother spent 20 minutes

telling me how wonderful you were.

They had a barbecue and they didn't invite us! What?

Well, I'm sure she meant to invite you.

[SYLVIA CLAMORING] Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Oh, h-h-hold on a second.

Mrs. Stemple?

[THERESA CLAMORING] Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

I'm going uptown. Do you think that she would like a lift?

That's all right, you don't have to give me a lift.

Oh. So you don't want me to give you a lift?

No, no, no. I would love a lift.

Thank you, Mom.

Did you hear that? She called me "Mom."

You don't have to do that.

All right.

"Do you share your fantasies with your spouse?"

Put down yes, but I don't advise it.

"Brinkley, David.

"Brinkley, Christie.

"Buddhism.

"Christie Brinkley."

You know, if you don't mind, I'd love for you to rub some of this oil on my back.

I just like this so much.

Wow.

You know, it's okay to do it hard.

Sorry. Am I being too gentle?

No, it's just perfect.

I just want you to know that you can't do it too hard or too soft.

Everything you do is just right.

That's what I think. Thank you.

You're being like a child.

You play some video game one time and you have to have it?

It's not a video game. I keep telling you. It's not a video game.

All right. What's the difference?

Oh, it's so different, you can't even compare.

It's like, on this, you can do anything you want.

You can-- You can ski on the Alps.

You can... You're riding a raft through the Colorado River.

You're in the space shuttle.

You're flying all over the Earth.

You can-- You can sing on Broadway. You're on stage, you're singing.

And everything you do, it's like you're doing it.

You're right there, you're doing it.

Could we do these things together?

Of course! Yeah!

What did you do?

I gave Christie Brinkley a massage.

She had an itch.

Listen, it's... I gotta... It's phenomenal.

You really... You can't believe what this is.

It's like...

I'm like... It's Christie Brinkley.

So I'm looking at Christie Brinkley.

I'm talking to Christie Brinkley.

Christie Brinkley is talking to me.

We're talking. Christie Brinkley and I were talking...

I could... You could see her.

I could feel Christie Brinkley.

You know? It's like... It's so funny. It's like,

they had, like, lotion, this oil.

So she asked me to put it on, so I'm putting this lotion...

And I'm rubbing oil right--right on her. Right on...

And I'm telling you, you've never felt skin like this.

You're a little, little man.

All right. So? How did we do?

What, very happy? Blissful?

Ecstatic?

What are we looking at?

Carry the one.

Well?

Wait a second.

Wow!

Really!

♪ Tell me why I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you

♪ Tell me all your secrets and I'll tell you most of mine

♪ They say nobody's perfect Well, that's really true this time

♪ I don't have the answers, I don't have a plan

♪ All I have is you

♪ So, darling, help me understand

♪ What we do

♪ You can whisper in my ear

♪ Where we go

♪ Who knows what happens after here

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ As we jump into the final frontier

♪ I'm mad about you, baby

♪ Yeah!

♪ I'm mad about you

What do they know?