Original subtitles

-Go put some clothes on. -[DOG WHIMPERS]

I told you not to go in there.

♪ [THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

And so we invented the shower

because my people have neither the flexibility

nor the licking skills of your people.

[DOOR BELL BUZZES]

Oh, we really need to get an office.

-That's your breakfast? -No! I had a Pop-Tart.

-Hey, Jam! -Yeah!

There's no soap!

JAMIE: It's in the medicine cabinet!

Middle shelf, next to the mouthwash.

See it?

-There is none! -Under the sink!

We don't have an "under the sink."

In the kitchen!

This is why we should get an office.

Ira's taking him to a Yankee game.

-Ira, Ira? -Of course, Ira, Ira. Why?

-No why. -[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello. Yes, it is.

Soap, soap, soap, soap, soap.

No, I don't.

I have no idea, but the answer is no.

Hey, can I use dishwashing liquid?

What list?

Come on, I'll have hands like a young girl.

We have no car. Why would we need a parking space?

Wet and cold. Wet and cold.

I have no idea how we got on the list.

Is that the parking people?

I'm not calling you a liar, but we'll pass anyway.

-Hey, hey, hey. -Hey, hey, hey, grabbing!

Hello.

No, don't go to the next name on the list.

Huh? I know what she said. She's not from around here.

We would very much love to see the space.

We'll be right down. Thank you.

-Our name finally came up! -You're dripping.

Well, I'm excited.

Listen... a parking space in our own building?

You don't pass that up.

-We don't have a car. -It doesn't matter.

When did you put us on the list?

When we moved in.

We didn't have a car then either.

The list was four years long. I figured we'd have one by now.

You never mentioned it.

Well, I wanted to avoid this exact conversation.

Well, too late.

It's a waste of money. We don't need one.

It costs nothing to look at the thing.

My body's aching for lather, but there's nothing here.

-Okay, use shampoo. -Can you do that?

It's good for you. It has mink placenta.

It just seems a lot to ask of a mink.

Come with me and look at this spot.

A, I'm working, and B, I don't want to.

Here.

-"Mango body wash." -No one has to know.

Come with me.

We'll look at it, you'll talk me out of it.

-We'll be back in two seconds. -I'll talk you out of it here.

I would prefer to be talked out of it down there.

-Fine. -Thank you.

Why would a mango need body wash?

I think Fran and Ira are at it again.

Oh, no kidding.

She said that he's afraid that she's getting attached,

so she tells him she's okay with it being just sexual,

but she doesn't think he hears that.

What? She's my friend too.

[HORN HONKS]

Hi. You must be Leo.

-What can I do for you? -We're the Buchmans.

Oh, yeah. Buchman, Buchman, Buch, Buch, Buch...

space 213.

-All right. Is that a good one? -Oh, yeah.

It's a parking space.

-Okay. Can we see it? -Yep.

[TIRES SCREECH]

Mrs. Paris, 235. She just lost her cat.

[SNIFFS] What do I smell, Hawaiian Punch?

Here you go, baby. Here's your new parking space.

Hey, have a cigar.

-This is great. -Whatever.

Look, right near a fence. That's exactly what you want.

That way, you're not always getting dinged

on the driver's side.

If you don't mind my saying, we don't have a driver's side.

So?

So we may be putting the cart a little before the horse.

Sweetie, the horse and the cart don't always come together.

Sometimes, if you see a cart, you grab it.

You worry about the horse later.

-What is the rent-- -[TIRES SCREECH]

Twelve years she had that cat.

What... What is the rent on something like this?

You can't rent it, you got to buy it.

What do you mean "buy it"? It's a parking space.

The garage went condo.

-You're kidding. -We could buy a parking space.

Why would we buy a parking space?

Would you rather rent it?

Well, what does it cost something like this?

Wow!

Okay, say goodbye to your little cart.

-Wait a second. -I have to get back to work.

You know what, we're going to think about it.

No thinking.

You got till noon, then it's the next name on the list.

-It may take me a bit longer. -Clock's running, people.

[TIRES SCREECH]

Poor Mrs. Paris.

Nah. It's Mr. Eagers. He's just a nut.

It's nothing to you because you grew up in Connecticut,

where they got nothing but parking spots.

You, on the other hand...

Me? When you grow up in the city--

When we found a parking spot, I had to lie in the street

till my father circled the block.

You ever see this scar?

Where your sister pushed you off a toboggan at Lake Placid?

All right, but the emotional scars...

the emotional scars are entirely all parking-related.

-Hey. -Hey.

Wanna go? I don't want to miss batting practice.

You know, I don't think I can go,

'cause we're having a thing.

-Why don't you take Fran? -I can't. We're having a thing.

You told Paul!

He's not as judgmental as you are.

I'm not judgmental! You're just being stupid!

You know... Hi. Listen, could you get out of here?

Nice.

When I was 13, I had to learn to parallel park

while other kids, whose parents had parking spaces,

they were out playing stickball and Kick the Can.

Kick the Can? How old are you?

I'm saying, a game.

I'm very sorry for the tragedies of your youth.

We're not buying a parking space!

Because I feel like I'm using you.

-And you're using me. -That was the whole idea!

But, Fran, it seems so shallow and convenient.

That was the whole idea!

Why do you start up with her, knowing it's wrong?

I'm not starting, she's starting. I just went.

I'm the one who keeps trying to stop starting.

From what I understand, you called her this time.

Right. For Thai food and a movie!

-Listen to yourself. -What?

He thinks I'm lonely.

He thinks I need sex because I'm lonely.

That is not why I need sex.

I understand. It's the same thing with the loan.

What were you saying about the loan?

After the tax deduction for the loan payments,

buying this space could cost you less than renting it.

Good.

Not to mention the potential capital gain.

Got it.

I may need you to say this again.

You know what else?

Hey, do me a favor. Go in there.

Nice.

-It's not worth fighting over. -It is.

It's not. If you want it, buy it. It's fine.

-Not if you don't want to. -I don't want to.

Go back one sentence. This is not throwing money away.

-This is land! -It's a millionth of an acre.

And it's not land, it's whatever's underneath land.

If you don't want to have sex with me,

I don't want to go to the Yankee game with you.

The whole world is backwards.

It's like I was telling Fran before.

If we went to a bank and got a loan--

If you go to a bank and get a loan,

and the time value of the money

is less than the expected appreciation of the space,

you're ahead of the game.

Way ahead. So far ahead, you're in an entirely new game.

IRA: Franny, come here.

When I said "Thai food," what did that mean to you?

Look, if we want to start planning a family,

-you got to build a future. -With a parking space?

It makes perfect financial sense.

So does an oil rig, but we don't need that either.

You don't think we need an oil rig.

-I'm not buying an oil rig. -No, that would be stupid.

Clearly, that's stupid.

Maybe I never should have given you that loofah rub.

Now I think you're hooked.

It's not the loofah, Ira. And I'm not hooked.

I just like it.

You see, honey...

-I have a dream. -Oh, my goodness.

I have a dream, and it involves the two of us

in a beautiful house... nothing big, a nice yard,

three-quarters of an acre.

-A house? -A house...

with us and our things and little "us's",

small "us's", maybe three...

-You always wanted three, right? -Maybe.

Maybe not three because the middle kid is always screwed up.

So, whatever. We'll say two, maybe four.

Right, so kids, things, a house...

Right. Okay. Now, where do kids start?

-In a parking space? -Yes. Yes.

In a manner of speaking, yes, because it's a foundation.

This is the first thing that we would own together

that doesn't fit in the apartment.

It's the beginning. The parking space would be the nucleus

of what will someday be Camelot.

Camelot?

Yeah, it's Camelot,

without the two crappy songs at the top of Act II.

-Yes. -Honey, it's a beautiful dream,

and I share it, I really do.

I'm not sure this is the best way to get it.

I am. I really am.

This is so...To me, buying this parking space,

it's a small step for a couple of Buchmans,

but it's a huge leap for Buchman-kind.

Okay.

-Okay? -Okay.

I need a big "okay." I need an emphatic "okay."

-I need like... "okay!" -Okay!

That's good enough.

Is this a bank or what?

You have a dream and they draw it for you.

First, thing I'd do is make those bay windows.

You got it. I guarantee, before they had any of this,

they had a parking space.

I'm just waiting on your credit report.

MAN: Yeah, yeah.

The hand-knit cable crew neck in medium.

Uh-huh. The oatmeal heather.

How do you feel about shutters?

I don't bother them, they don't bother me.

Are those ankle-high or calf-high?

Perfect.

[FAX MACHINE BEEPS]

Right. Uh-huh.

Yeah.

-What are you doing? -It's our credit report.

-Uh-huh. -Yeah, so?

So... Oh, my gosh. Look at the time.

-Where are you going? -We don't need their money.

-What do you mean? -Let's just use our money.

-Our savings? -If we're going to commit,

-let's really commit. -I'd like to commit,

but I'd like to see what is on this paper, please.

Well...

somebody didn't finish paying back Yale their student loan.

Who?

Who? Henry Winkler. But it's on your file.

Look at that.

Our own money, and three minutes to spare.

Whatever.

Thank you so much. We're so excited.

We'll take very good care of it.

-Whatever. -Don't cash that till Monday.

Honey, look at this.

You will never again have to stand in the street

while your friends play Kick the Can.

-[SPITS] -Don't spit in the space!

Look at this.

Someday we're going to get a house,

and next to that, we're going to get a yard.

And when our children ask us how we got it,

we'll say it's because their father had a dream.

How do you feel?

This was a big mistake.

What about the house and the kids and the things?

Nowhere in there do you need a parking space.

That was just dumb. I need air.

-What happened to them? -Hello!

IRA AND FRAN: In here!

Of course. Look at this.

The minute I buy a parking space,

there's ten of them in front of the building!

-How could you let this happen? -Excuse me?

-This is all your fault. -On what planet?

You gave entirely too much weight to my argument.

Do you realize...

we have a space, we don't have a car?

Don't tell me! I told you!

Well, your job is to stop me from doing something idiotic.

Idiotic I can do by myself.

You were so certain.

Don't you understand? That's when I need you the most.

-My certainty is a cry for help. -Well... my certainty isn't.

[WATER SPLASHES]

-What is your certainty? -It's certainty.

Well, maybe there's your problem.

We made a decision, took a leap. Let's stick with it.

-Where are you going? -To tell Leo we're pulling out.

-He'll laugh at you. -He won't laugh.

[LAUGHS] I have to laugh.

What? What is funny?

Where do you come from, and why are you tormenting me?

I just want to give back the space.

-You can't. -Why not?

-Because you signed things. -I'll sign other things.

-You think this is a game? -No, no, no.

You think I'm in it for the glory?

Why can't you go to the next name on the list?

Oh, just go! Just go! Like it's nothing!

It is! It's nothing!

It's not nothing! I got escrows, closings!

I'm running a garage here, not a clinic for the confused.

-I will give you $50. -What kind of person are you?

A person who's made a very big mistake.

Anything that doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Come on. Why don't you go upstairs?

Look, Leo, I would really like to get out of this.

I'd like to have a luggage store.

Would you at least see what you can do?

Get real. I'm pushing 40. What do I know about luggage?

That's how we keep getting involved with the wrong people.

Yeah? How?

We meet somebody and think we like them,

but we can't tell because of all the sexual tension.

But with my system, you and I have sex,

so we don't walk around like land mines.

Then if we meet somebody,

we can take all the time we need, and they can suffer.

-On paper, it sounds great. -So?

-Franny, in real life, it's... -It's what?

You know, you look really good today.

-PAUL: Hey. -I wasn't.

Well, we are still the proud owners of space 213.

-Good, I've been thinking. -I begged you to stop that.

Listen, the only reason this feels foolish

is because we don't have a horse.

-Actually, we don't have a cart. -Whatever.

I think we've been going at this half-assed.

What does that mean?

It means, I think we should be going at it whole-assed.

So we should just get our whole ass in a cart.

Exactly.

-Oh, I dare you... -What?

I dare you to talk me into buying a car?

-It's the right thing to do. -Okay, hold on, hold on.

Wouldn't it be great to have our own car?

Yeah, but--

We wouldn't worry about a parking space--

BOTH: Because we already have one.

That part I understand.

The sooner we get a car,

the sooner we can stop feeling stupid about having the space.

I would love to stop feeling stupid.

I'll grant you that. Hold on. Where do we get a car?

Fran, is Mark still trying to sell his car?

FRAN: The car I got divorced in?

The car I spent two hours crying in?

You had some good times in there, too.

FRAN: Yes. Yes, he is.

I'm telling you, you don't want this car.

It looks like it's in terrific shape.

Well, sure. Sure, it was always garaged.

Never missed a check-up, changed the oil religiously.

Why are you selling it?

You know, too many memories. It's Fran, the divorce,

stupid schlep across-country.

Ah... Look at this. The Grand Canyon.

-Why doesn't it say anything? -It's from The Grand Canyon.

What am I going to do, lie to you about a lighter?

-All right. -How much do you want for it?

-I can't take money from you. -Mark, we insist!

We're going to pay you for the car.

What's a fair deal?

You know what, forget it. You don't want this car.

Why do you keep saying that?

Because you never buy a car from a friend.

Ever watch Perry Mason?

The closest Stella ever came to losing her job.

You never buy a car from a friend.

Mark, you wanna get rid of it, we want to buy,

it's a done deal.

-Done deal. -Honey, look.

-What? -I'm kicking the tires.

Well, good for you.

Let's sit in it again.

[DOG BARKS]

Eh... Is this the life or what? Our very own car.

We could go anywhere we want. Name me a place.

Pennsylvania Amish country.

Been there. Very quiet.

No reason we couldn't go there.

And you know how?

-In our very own car. -That's right.

When we get back, you know where we'd park?

-Our very own parking space. -You got it, baby.

-Hey. -Leo?

-Hey, Leo. -Hey, Leo!

Hey! No screaming in the garage!

-What is this? -Somebody's in our space.

I gave your space away. Give me $50.

What? Why did you do that?

He told me to. Give me my $50.

-What kind of person are you? -It's our spot. We paid for it!

He asked me to take care of it, I took care of it.

I'll have your money back Tuesday.

We don't want our money. We want the space.

What are you, a couple of pranksters?

Wait... Can you get us another spot?

I'll put you on the bottom of the list.

Why the bottom?

You think this has been fun for me?

I got to go. Ryan and I always watch Dr. Quinn together.

Really? I always wondered who watched that show.

Call me later if you want.

Franny, you don't need me to call you.

-Okay. -What time?

Late.

-Me! -No, me!

-No, me! -No, me!

Okay, but pee fast. I'll get the food.

Where were you the last hour and a half?

-PAUL: Parking! -Where are you going now?

-PAUL: Parking! -So where's the car?

BOTH: Double-parked!

-Hey, did you drive here? -Cab. You?

Subway. BMT.

Share a ride. I'll drop you off?

Yeah, sounds good.

-You, you, you! -Me, me, me!

I'm going to get a bottle of wine!

PAUL: No, we're driving. It's a felony!

JAMIE: We're not driving, we're parking!

Besides, if they arrest us,

they'll impound the car. We'll get on with our lives.

PAUL: Why the hell did you let us get a car?

JAMIE: For Buchman-kind!

PAUL: Yeah, if it'd been for any other reason,

it would've been plain stupid!

All right, listen, we're going to take off!

Thanks a lot!

PAUL: Hey, you know what...

I'll bet if we buy a garage, it'll come with a house.

Would you stop?

Just hear me out on this, seriously.

If we could teach Murray how to move the car,

our troubles would be over.

I don't know if he has that manual dexterity just yet.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

The car's on the corner of Lexington and 24th Street!

-Good night. -Good night.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

NEWSREADER: [ON RADIO] A girl has a new lease on life,

thanks to surgery at the hospital for sick children.

-[STATION CHANGES] -♪ [CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS] ♪

[WHIMPERS]

-[STATION CHANGES] -♪ [ROCK MUSIC PLAYS] ♪

[HORN HONKS]

[GROWLS]

[ENGINE STARTS]

[BARKS]