All language subtitles for enMad.About.You.S04.E02.1080p.WEBRIP-Amazon TheParking Space

-Go put some clothes on.
-[DOG WHIMPERS]

I told you not to go in there.

♪ [THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

And so we invented the shower

because my people have
neither the flexibility

nor the licking skills
of your people.

[DOOR BELL BUZZES]

Oh, we really need
to get an office.

-That's your breakfast?
-No! I had a Pop-Tart.

-Hey, Jam!
-Yeah!

There's no soap!

JAMIE: It's in
the medicine cabinet!

Middle shelf,
next to the mouthwash.

See it?

-There is none!
-Under the sink!

We don't have an
"under the sink."

In the kitchen!

This is why
we should get an office.

Ira's taking him
to a Yankee game.

-Ira, Ira?
-Of course, Ira, Ira. Why?

-No why.
-[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello. Yes, it is.

Soap, soap, soap, soap, soap.

No, I don't.

I have no idea,
but the answer is no.

Hey, can I use
dishwashing liquid?

What list?

Come on, I'll have hands
like a young girl.

We have no car. Why would
we need a parking space?

Wet and cold.
Wet and cold.

I have no idea
how we got on the list.

Is that the parking people?

I'm not calling you a liar,
but we'll pass anyway.

-Hey, hey, hey.
-Hey, hey, hey, grabbing!

Hello.

No, don't go to the
next name on the list.

Huh? I know what she said.
She's not from around here.

We would very much love
to see the space.

We'll be right down. Thank you.

-Our name finally came up!
-You're dripping.

Well, I'm excited.

Listen... a parking space
in our own building?

You don't pass that up.

-We don't have a car.
-It doesn't matter.

When did you put us on the list?

When we moved in.

We didn't have
a car then either.

The list was four years long.
I figured we'd have one by now.

You never mentioned it.

Well, I wanted to avoid
this exact conversation.

Well, too late.

It's a waste of money.
We don't need one.

It costs nothing
to look at the thing.

My body's aching for lather,
but there's nothing here.

-Okay, use shampoo.
-Can you do that?

It's good for you.
It has mink placenta.

It just seems a lot
to ask of a mink.

Come with me
and look at this spot.

A, I'm working,
and B, I don't want to.

Here.

-"Mango body wash."
-No one has to know.

Come with me.

We'll look at it,
you'll talk me out of it.

-We'll be back in two seconds.
-I'll talk you out of it here.

I would prefer to be talked out
of it down there.

-Fine.
-Thank you.

Why would a mango
need body wash?

I think Fran and Ira
are at it again.

Oh, no kidding.

She said that he's afraid
that she's getting attached,

so she tells him she's okay
with it being just sexual,

but she doesn't think
he hears that.

What? She's my friend too.

[HORN HONKS]

Hi. You must be Leo.

-What can I do for you?
-We're the Buchmans.

Oh, yeah. Buchman, Buchman,
Buch, Buch, Buch...

space 213.

-All right. Is that a good one?
-Oh, yeah.

It's a parking space.

-Okay. Can we see it?
-Yep.

[TIRES SCREECH]

Mrs. Paris, 235.
She just lost her cat.

[SNIFFS] What do I smell,
Hawaiian Punch?

Here you go, baby.
Here's your new parking space.

Hey, have a cigar.

-This is great.
-Whatever.

Look, right near a fence.
That's exactly what you want.

That way, you're not always
getting dinged

on the driver's side.

If you don't mind my saying,
we don't have a driver's side.

So?

So we may be putting the cart
a little before the horse.

Sweetie, the horse and the cart
don't always come together.

Sometimes, if you see a cart,
you grab it.

You worry about the horse later.

-What is the rent--
-[TIRES SCREECH]

Twelve years she had that cat.

What... What is the rent
on something like this?

You can't rent it,
you got to buy it.

What do you mean "buy it"?
It's a parking space.

The garage went condo.

-You're kidding.
-We could buy a parking space.

Why would we buy
a parking space?

Would you rather rent it?

Well, what does it cost
something like this?

Wow!

Okay, say goodbye
to your little cart.

-Wait a second.
-I have to get back to work.

You know what,
we're going to think about it.

No thinking.

You got till noon, then it's
the next name on the list.

-It may take me a bit longer.
-Clock's running, people.

[TIRES SCREECH]

Poor Mrs. Paris.

Nah. It's Mr. Eagers.
He's just a nut.

It's nothing to you because
you grew up in Connecticut,

where they got nothing
but parking spots.

You, on the other hand...

Me? When you grow
up in the city--

When we found a parking spot,
I had to lie in the street

till my father circled
the block.

You ever see this scar?

Where your sister pushed you
off a toboggan at Lake Placid?

All right,
but the emotional scars...

the emotional scars are
entirely all parking-related.

-Hey.
-Hey.

Wanna go? I don't want to miss
batting practice.

You know,
I don't think I can go,

'cause we're having a thing.

-Why don't you take Fran?
-I can't. We're having a thing.

You told Paul!

He's not as judgmental
as you are.

I'm not judgmental!
You're just being stupid!

You know... Hi. Listen,
could you get out of here?

Nice.

When I was 13,
I had to learn to parallel park

while other kids, whose
parents had parking spaces,

they were out playing
stickball and Kick the Can.

Kick the Can?
How old are you?

I'm saying, a game.

I'm very sorry for the
tragedies of your youth.

We're not buying
a parking space!

Because I feel like
I'm using you.

-And you're using me.
-That was the whole idea!

But, Fran, it seems so shallow
and convenient.

That was the whole idea!

Why do you start up with her,
knowing it's wrong?

I'm not starting,
she's starting. I just went.

I'm the one who keeps
trying to stop starting.

From what I understand,
you called her this time.

Right.
For Thai food and a movie!

-Listen to yourself.
-What?

He thinks I'm lonely.

He thinks I need sex
because I'm lonely.

That is not why I need sex.

I understand. It's the same
thing with the loan.

What were you saying
about the loan?

After the tax deduction
for the loan payments,

buying this space could cost
you less than renting it.

Good.

Not to mention
the potential capital gain.

Got it.

I may need you
to say this again.

You know what else?

Hey, do me a favor.
Go in there.

Nice.

-It's not worth fighting over.
-It is.

It's not. If you want it,
buy it. It's fine.

-Not if you don't want to.
-I don't want to.

Go back one sentence.
This is not throwing money away.

-This is land!
-It's a millionth of an acre.

And it's not land,
it's whatever's underneath land.

If you don't want
to have sex with me,

I don't want to go to
the Yankee game with you.

The whole world is backwards.

It's like I was
telling Fran before.

If we went to a bank
and got a loan--

If you go to a bank
and get a loan,

and the time value of the money

is less than the expected
appreciation of the space,

you're ahead of the game.

Way ahead. So far ahead,
you're in an entirely new game.

IRA: Franny, come here.

When I said "Thai food,"
what did that mean to you?

Look, if we want to
start planning a family,

-you got to build a future.
-With a parking space?

It makes perfect
financial sense.

So does an oil rig,
but we don't need that either.

You don't think
we need an oil rig.

-I'm not buying an oil rig.
-No, that would be stupid.

Clearly, that's stupid.

Maybe I never should have
given you that loofah rub.

Now I think you're hooked.

It's not the loofah, Ira.
And I'm not hooked.

I just like it.

You see, honey...

-I have a dream.
-Oh, my goodness.

I have a dream,
and it involves the two of us

in a beautiful house...
nothing big, a nice yard,

three-quarters of an acre.

-A house?
-A house...

with us and our things
and little "us's",

small "us's", maybe three...

-You always wanted three, right?
-Maybe.

Maybe not three because the
middle kid is always screwed up.

So, whatever.
We'll say two, maybe four.

Right, so kids,
things, a house...

Right. Okay.
Now, where do kids start?

-In a parking space?
-Yes. Yes.

In a manner of speaking, yes,
because it's a foundation.

This is the first thing that
we would own together

that doesn't fit
in the apartment.

It's the beginning. The parking
space would be the nucleus

of what will someday be Camelot.

Camelot?

Yeah, it's Camelot,

without the two crappy songs
at the top of Act II.

-Yes.
-Honey, it's a beautiful dream,

and I share it, I really do.

I'm not sure this is
the best way to get it.

I am. I really am.

This is so...To me,
buying this parking space,

it's a small step for
a couple of Buchmans,

but it's a huge leap
for Buchman-kind.

Okay.

-Okay?
-Okay.

I need a big "okay."
I need an emphatic "okay."

-I need like... "okay!"
-Okay!

That's good enough.

Is this a bank or what?

You have a dream
and they draw it for you.

First, thing I'd do is
make those bay windows.

You got it. I guarantee,
before they had any of this,

they had a parking space.

I'm just waiting
on your credit report.

MAN: Yeah, yeah.

The hand-knit
cable crew neck in medium.

Uh-huh.
The oatmeal heather.

How do you feel
about shutters?

I don't bother them,
they don't bother me.

Are those ankle-high
or calf-high?

Perfect.

[FAX MACHINE BEEPS]

Right. Uh-huh.

Yeah.

-What are you doing?
-It's our credit report.

-Uh-huh.
-Yeah, so?

So... Oh, my gosh.
Look at the time.

-Where are you going?
-We don't need their money.

-What do you mean?
-Let's just use our money.

-Our savings?
-If we're going to commit,

-let's really commit.
-I'd like to commit,

but I'd like to see what
is on this paper, please.

Well...

somebody didn't finish paying
back Yale their student loan.

Who?

Who? Henry Winkler.
But it's on your file.

Look at that.

Our own money,
and three minutes to spare.

Whatever.

Thank you so much.
We're so excited.

We'll take very good care of it.

-Whatever.
-Don't cash that till Monday.

Honey, look at this.

You will never again have
to stand in the street

while your friends
play Kick the Can.

-[SPITS]
-Don't spit in the space!

Look at this.

Someday we're going
to get a house,

and next to that,
we're going to get a yard.

And when our children
ask us how we got it,

we'll say it's because
their father had a dream.

How do you feel?

This was a big mistake.

What about the house
and the kids and the things?

Nowhere in there do you need
a parking space.

That was just dumb.
I need air.

-What happened to them?
-Hello!

IRA AND FRAN: In here!

Of course. Look at this.

The minute I buy
a parking space,

there's ten of them
in front of the building!

-How could you let this happen?
-Excuse me?

-This is all your fault.
-On what planet?

You gave entirely
too much weight to my argument.

Do you realize...

we have a space,
we don't have a car?

Don't tell me! I told you!

Well, your job is to stop me
from doing something idiotic.

Idiotic I can do by myself.

You were so certain.

Don't you understand?
That's when I need you the most.

-My certainty is a cry for help.
-Well... my certainty isn't.

[WATER SPLASHES]

-What is your certainty?
-It's certainty.

Well, maybe there's
your problem.

We made a decision, took a leap.
Let's stick with it.

-Where are you going?
-To tell Leo we're pulling out.

-He'll laugh at you.
-He won't laugh.

[LAUGHS] I have to laugh.

What? What is funny?

Where do you come from,
and why are you tormenting me?

I just want to give back
the space.

-You can't.
-Why not?

-Because you signed things.
-I'll sign other things.

-You think this is a game?
-No, no, no.

You think I'm in it
for the glory?

Why can't you go to the
next name on the list?

Oh, just go! Just go!
Like it's nothing!

It is! It's nothing!

It's not nothing!
I got escrows, closings!

I'm running a garage here,
not a clinic for the confused.

-I will give you $50.
-What kind of person are you?

A person who's made
a very big mistake.

Anything that doesn't kill you
makes you stronger.

Come on.
Why don't you go upstairs?

Look, Leo, I would really like
to get out of this.

I'd like to have
a luggage store.

Would you at least
see what you can do?

Get real. I'm pushing 40.
What do I know about luggage?

That's how we keep getting
involved with the wrong people.

Yeah? How?

We meet somebody
and think we like them,

but we can't tell because of
all the sexual tension.

But with my system,
you and I have sex,

so we don't walk
around like land mines.

Then if we meet somebody,

we can take all the time we
need, and they can suffer.

-On paper, it sounds great.
-So?

-Franny, in real life, it's...
-It's what?

You know, you look
really good today.

-PAUL: Hey.
-I wasn't.

Well, we are still the
proud owners of space 213.

-Good, I've been thinking.
-I begged you to stop that.

Listen, the only reason
this feels foolish

is because we don't
have a horse.

-Actually, we don't have a cart.
-Whatever.

I think we've been going
at this half-assed.

What does that mean?

It means, I think we should be
going at it whole-assed.

So we should just get
our whole ass in a cart.

Exactly.

-Oh, I dare you...
-What?

I dare you to talk me
into buying a car?

-It's the right thing to do.
-Okay, hold on, hold on.

Wouldn't it be great
to have our own car?

Yeah, but--

We wouldn't worry about
a parking space--

BOTH:
Because we already have one.

That part I understand.

The sooner we get a car,

the sooner we can stop feeling
stupid about having the space.

I would love to stop
feeling stupid.

I'll grant you that. Hold on.
Where do we get a car?

Fran, is Mark still
trying to sell his car?

FRAN: The car I got divorced in?

The car I spent
two hours crying in?

You had some good
times in there, too.

FRAN: Yes. Yes, he is.

I'm telling you,
you don't want this car.

It looks like
it's in terrific shape.

Well, sure.
Sure, it was always garaged.

Never missed a check-up,
changed the oil religiously.

Why are you selling it?

You know, too many memories.
It's Fran, the divorce,

stupid schlep across-country.

Ah... Look at this.
The Grand Canyon.

-Why doesn't it say anything?
-It's from The Grand Canyon.

What am I going to do,
lie to you about a lighter?

-All right.
-How much do you want for it?

-I can't take money from you.
-Mark, we insist!

We're going to pay you
for the car.

What's a fair deal?

You know what, forget it.
You don't want this car.

Why do you keep saying that?

Because you never buy a car
from a friend.

Ever watch Perry Mason?

The closest Stella ever
came to losing her job.

You never buy a car
from a friend.

Mark, you wanna get rid of it,
we want to buy,

it's a done deal.

-Done deal.
-Honey, look.

-What?
-I'm kicking the tires.

Well, good for you.

Let's sit in it again.

[DOG BARKS]

Eh... Is this the life or what?
Our very own car.

We could go anywhere we want.
Name me a place.

Pennsylvania Amish country.

Been there. Very quiet.

No reason we couldn't go there.

And you know how?

-In our very own car.
-That's right.

When we get back,
you know where we'd park?

-Our very own parking space.
-You got it, baby.

-Hey.
-Leo?

-Hey, Leo.
-Hey, Leo!

Hey! No screaming
in the garage!

-What is this?
-Somebody's in our space.

I gave your space away.
Give me $50.

What? Why did you do that?

He told me to. Give me my $50.

-What kind of person are you?
-It's our spot. We paid for it!

He asked me to take care of it,
I took care of it.

I'll have your money
back Tuesday.

We don't want our money.
We want the space.

What are you,
a couple of pranksters?

Wait... Can you get us
another spot?

I'll put you on
the bottom of the list.

Why the bottom?

You think this has been
fun for me?

I got to go. Ryan and I always
watch Dr. Quinn together.

Really? I always wondered
who watched that show.

Call me later if you want.

Franny, you don't
need me to call you.

-Okay.
-What time?

Late.

-Me!
-No, me!

-No, me!
-No, me!

Okay, but pee fast.
I'll get the food.

Where were you
the last hour and a half?

-PAUL: Parking!
-Where are you going now?

-PAUL: Parking!
-So where's the car?

BOTH: Double-parked!

-Hey, did you drive here?
-Cab. You?

Subway. BMT.

Share a ride. I'll drop you off?

Yeah, sounds good.

-You, you, you!
-Me, me, me!

I'm going to get
a bottle of wine!

PAUL: No, we're driving.
It's a felony!

JAMIE: We're not driving,
we're parking!

Besides, if they arrest us,

they'll impound the car. We'll get on with our lives.

PAUL: Why the hell did you let us get a car?

JAMIE: For Buchman-kind!

PAUL: Yeah, if it'd been
for any other reason,

it would've been plain stupid!

All right, listen,
we're going to take off!

Thanks a lot!

PAUL: Hey, you know what...

I'll bet if we buy a garage,
it'll come with a house.

Would you stop?

Just hear me out on this,
seriously.

If we could teach Murray
how to move the car,

our troubles would be over.

I don't know if he has that
manual dexterity just yet.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

The car's on the corner of
Lexington and 24th Street!

-Good night.
-Good night.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

NEWSREADER: [ON RADIO] A girl has a new lease on life,

thanks to surgery at the hospital for sick children.

-[STATION CHANGES]
-♪ [CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS] ♪

[WHIMPERS]

-[STATION CHANGES]
-♪ [ROCK MUSIC PLAYS] ♪

[HORN HONKS]

[GROWLS]

[ENGINE STARTS]

[BARKS]