Original subtitles

♪ [SINGS "COPACABANA"]

♪ [THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

-What are you looking at? -Nothing.

Good. Quick question. Do we still like these pants?

Yes.

Okay. Then I shall wear them.

Good. ♪ [HUMS "COPACABANA"]

Because you know I've got that meeting today and...

I'm not sure which way to go.

I want to look a little like them and a little like me.

-Who are you meeting with? -The Explorer Channel.

-Wear khaki. -Why?

I don't know. Explorer, safari, you wear khakis or chinos.

No, khakis are chinos.

Myth, myth, myth. One's a color. One's a style.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

I don't think so, my little friend.

-Wasn't last night wonderful? -Huh? Hello.

Hey, Ira. Hey, you would know. Khakis and chinos?

Same thing, or different? Ha! Same thing.

-Both wrong. -Yeah, right.

So what's up?

-No, I don't want to do that. -Do what?

Go with Ira to Klarik's and stare at the gift-wrapping girl.

-You should go. -Why should I go?

You can buy chinos.

-Come with me. -I can't.

Fran and I have our meeting with the Cab Drivers' Union.

I hate buying pants myself.

Come on. You're going to walk into that meeting.

The Explorer people are gonna look at you in your new chinos,

and they're gonna say, "I've got to buy a movie from chino boy."

I'll see you at the store at 10:30.

What is happening to you?

Nothing. I just really enjoyed last night.

-Well, that's a good thing. -Why? Didn't you?

I, uh...

-No complaints about last night. -I should hope not.

You broke the clock, you know.

-What clock? -On the night stand.

-We did? -No, you did.

Three thirty-eight when you flung me back over to your side.

-Sorry. -No "sorry". Thank you.

-Thank you. -No, no, thank you.

Why exactly was last night so great?

-[CHUCKLES] Why? -No, I know why.

Why do you think it was so great?

Because it was so... great.

You were so uninhibited, so primal.

You were so wild.

Yeah. Well, what are you going to do?

Maybe we go to bed early tonight?

-You got it. -Good luck.

-Yeah, good luck you. -[BARKS]

What did you see?

[CAR HORN HONKS]

What do you mean you don't remember?

I'm telling you. I have no recollection of the whole event.

You're telling me you're banging away--

Hey.

Pardon me. Your lovely wife and yourself

are having conjugal activities.

-Yeah. -In the middle of the night.

The best sex of your married career.

-That's right. -And you were sound asleep.

This is what I'm saying.

This is funny to you?

Walking in your sleep is one thing.

-Yeah, but-- -Okay, why don't you try these?

See, these are like chinos but there's a heavier weave.

There's a triple pleat making the pockets more streamline.

-Oh, please, listen to you. -You see?

Look at this, "new and improved" sister-in-law

now with extra pants knowledge.

I know. Want to know what my boss, Mr. Klarik, said?

Please.

He said I have the best sense of design and presentation

of anyone he's hired since 1984.

-Wow. -Yeah, I know.

Starting next week, I spend a month in Personnel.

-Personnel. -Yeah, they're grooming me.

-You're being groomed? -Yeah.

-For what? -I don't know.

All right. What do we think of these?

Uh... We like these.

-These are khakis, right? -Yeah, but they're not chinos.

-Why not? -These are chinos.

-Those are chinos. -Why are those chinos?

Look, it is so simple.

You can have a khaki pant that are chinos.

You can have chinos that are khakis,

but not all chinos are khaki.

Just like, not all khakis are chinos or even pants.

Hell, you could have a khaki shirt or a hat. [CHUCKLES]

See, that's a chunk of my life I never get back.

Hey, why don't you try on the charcoal.

-All right. -Excuse me.

[CLATTERING]

Brenda, that's not how we do things.

[CHUCKLES] I love doing that.

Six months ago she was watching Hogan's Heroeswith milk.

Paulie, what I don't understand is,

how deep could you have been sleeping?

If you were that good, wouldn't you wake yourself up?

Apparently not.

Well, maybe she made it up.

-That's what I thought. Look. -What?

It's where I knocked over the alarm clock.

PAUL: I'm so good, I actually injured myself.

Know what the scary part is?

-What? -What if I'm never good again?

What if my young bride realizes that the sleeping me

is better than the awake me?

-First, you don't tell her. -No, I'm not gonna--

You just don't. Your stock is way up.

-You leave it alone. -Well, look.

I have the pressure of having to do it again and frankly,

I don't know if I can compete with me.

Is she telling me these are not khaki?

Oh, these pants are itchy.

Now, you bought them.

-He flung you? -Like a sack of cotton.

-Good for him. -Good for me.

There was no talking.

He just rolled over, threw off the covers and took me.

He took you?

-And there was no talking. -You guys talk?

-Yeah, we talk. -What do you talk about?

You know, "That feels good."

"Don't stop." "I love you so much." "Keep doing that."

"What are all these pillows?"

"Will you stop with the pillows?"

"I'm just asking."

"They're from your mother." "Don't mention my mother".

Mostly, "That feels good. Keep doing that".

-When is the meeting starting? -Must be running late.

I've got to hit the ladies room.

-I'm going to tell her. -Who?

-Jamie. -That you were in a coma?

-Yeah. -Good.

Oh, man, is she not achingly lovely?

She's very pretty. I have to. I have to tell her.

Paulie, am I sweating?

No. And I'll bet you she'll think it's funny.

-I think I'm sweating. -I bet she'll laugh.

-She won't laugh. -Jamie?

-She can laugh. -She won't laugh.

I would laugh. You might laugh.

Jamie will not think this is funny.

-Thank you. -Next please.

Although she might think it's funny, huh?

-Hey, hey. -I'll be subtle. Trust me.

-Hi. -Well, hello again.

Hello. Listen. You may be able to help us.

My friend here is in a bit of an embarrassing situation.

-What's the matter with you? -Huh-ba-ba-ba.

You see, last night he gave his wife a gift,

a very, very wonderful gift and the problem is,

he doesn't remember giving it to her.

-Something you bought here? -Oh, no, no.

This is something... I made it myself.

Yeah.

This is something he made and his wife just loved.

She really loved this gift.

You know what, that's quite enough sharing. Thank you.

-She wants to know. -It's all right.

You don't need anything wrapped at all, do you?

No, that's not true at all.

We need this wrapped in a lovely box.

-These are my pants. -So.

-My pants I wore from home. -The woman is here to wrap.

Let her do her job.

-Am I right, Cassandra? -Yes.

So where do you fellows live?

-Where do you need me? -Well...

if you lived out of state,

I could ship this to you, save the sales tax.

My aunt lives in Jersey. We can send it to her.

Why would we ship my pants to your aunt?

To save the sales tax. How long will this take?

-A few minutes. -A few minutes.

Go ahead, you take your time.

I love her.

-He did that to you? -For an hour.

-And you let him? -I begged him.

-I thought there was no talking? -I begged him without words.

An hour, huh? It didn't tickle.

Why would that tickle?

Okay. I believe you.

Okay, girls, the meter is running.

[CHUCKLING]

That just gets funnier every time I hear it.

FRAN: Okay, ready?

Yeah, but I got to hit the ladies room.

What is with you?

IRA: I should be getting back to work.

-Hey, hey. -What?

-We're in public. -These pants are itching me.

WOMAN: We don't stare, sweetheart.

Hey, listen, you want to grab a bite to eat?

I can't. I've got to get my tapes and stuff for the meeting.

Hey, where's my keys?

I don't know. I don't have them.

-They're in my pants. -Okay.

My other pants. The ones on the way to Jersey.

That was dumb?

-Come here. -What?

-Oh, like it was my fault. -Come here!

Fran, I'm glad I found you guys. Where's Jamie?

She's in the bathroom for like the 40th time today.

How did it go with your cabbies?

They expect us to spruce up heir image,

-but all they do is curse. -The bastards!

What are you doing here?

I gotta get into the house and I need Jamie's keys.

Where are your keys?

It's so dumb, I can't even tell you.

You could tell me--

Ooh! Hey, by the way, I heard about last night.

Good for you.

I can't believe she tells you these things.

What did she tell you?

You should know. You were there.

Yeah, well, you'd be surprised.

What are you talking about?

I want your opinion, but if I tell you this,

you've got to swear not to tell Jamie.

-Oh, I swear. -No, but really swear.

Not the kind where you swear and tell anyway.

-I am telling you, I swear. -Okay.

If I tell you this, you and I are gonna have a secret.

-So? So? -From Jamie.

Well, we've never done that. You belong to her.

You're predominantly her friend.

I am your friend.

-Friend-in-law. -Okay. Whatever.

All right.

If I tell you this, we're gonna step over that line

and you can never go back.

Okay, don't tell me.

What do you mean? I want to tell you.

-Tell me. -But you gotta swear.

-I can't swear. -I'm giving another chance.

-All right, I swear. -Okay.

-Hey, you. -Tell me.

I don't trust you.

Ooh! I haven't had one of these in ages.

Yum, yum, yum, yum.

You know what? You're just too happy today.

I'm not happy.

-Something's going on with you. -I told you.

Good sex only lasts so long, no matter how good it is.

There's something else.

What else?

If you want to catch a cab, that's fine.

-I'm just going to walk home. -I'll wait.

What else?

-Are you gonna tell me or not? -Tell you what?

What else?

Um...

You should go. I've gotta get a bunch of stuff.

-I'm in no rush. -What else?

Um... This is...

There's just no reason for you to wait.

-You trying to get rid of me? -No, no, no.

-What are you not telling me? -Nothing.

-What else? -You know what?

Let me wait outside. Get whatever you have to get.

You'll probably have to stop in the ladies' room again,

and, uh...

we can walk home and talk.

-Are you sure? -What else?

-The early pregnancy test. -Yeah, throw one in there.

PAUL: I think it's a great film for you but, you know.

You think this might be a good film for us

because we're conservative, we're corporate, we're safe,

we're middle-of-the-road,

we never push the envelope or take the kind of chances

that an independent filmmaker like you likes to take.

-No, no-- -I've done this before.

I made over 70 documentary films.

I never made a dime,

and I never knew where my next job was coming from.

Then one day, I drove my cousin's Mercedes and I said,

"You know what? This is a very nice car."

-All right, sir. -Let me make you a proposition.

-Hey, are you home? -JAMIE: I'm in here.

You're not going to believe this meeting I just had.

I don't believe this meeting I just had.

-JAMIE: Just a second. -Hey, dog, of mine.

You too will not believe this meeting I just had.

-Good or bad? -Good, but really weird.

You've got to hear this.

Are you thirsty? I'm so thirsty. Listen to this.

So, I go in there.

I figure if it goes well, they'll buy my film.

I'll know my life for the next six weeks of my life, right?

-Yeah. -I go in and tell her about it.

This woman is like the general manager of the whole network.

Nice enough lady, 55, 60...

She said she loves the film.

What would I think about coming to work there full-time?

What do you mean, "full-time"?

Exactly. So I said, "What does that mean 'full-time'?"

She said, "What we need is somebody to work

in-house, full-time."

So I would be directing and producing all of their films.

-Wow! -Um-hm.

Egypt makes beer?

I don't know.

Anyway, they want to do ten to twelve films a month

which means they need me to commit for like...

at least three years.

-Three years? -Three years.

I said, "I'm very flattered,

but I've never done that kind of thing.

I work for myself.

I do the projects I want to do. So, I don't know."

I forgot, I've got to pee.

-Hey, how did your meeting go? -It was fine.

-Yeah? -Wanna talk about it?

-Not really. -Sure?

-Uh-huh. -Okay.

So, anyway, I tell her it's not the kind of thing

I was hoping to do right now.

She mentions state-of-the-art editing facilities

and bah, bah, bah...

Then she starts talking money,

which is no kidding around, real money.

Plus, they've got medical plans and there's like a pension plan.

A plan with a K where they put money away for you.

You've gotta explain this one to me.

So, I'm thinking, I don't wanna work for anybody,

but then I was thinking it's not really selling out

because it's what I do and-- I don't know.

-Go do what you have to do. -Yeah.

Then I'm thinking... and people were nice,

but do I want to have all these meetings with guys named Chuck

and everything?

Hey, what... what is this?

It's an early pregnancy test.

I see that.

Why do we have one here all opened up?

To see if I'm pregnant.

I may be pregnant. [CHUCKLES]

How come?

How come?

Uh... Because I may be. Because I'm late.

I'm never late. I'm like a clock.

No, but you've been late.

-When? -I don't know. Before--

Last summer, remember you made us pick out baby names?

-I was like eight hours late. -I know.

So I'm saying let's not jump to conclusions here.

I'm now four days late.

-So you come in early tomorrow. -[CHUCKLES]

I'm not kidding, my fertile friend,

you may be looking at a pregnant woman.

When do we know here?

Couple of minutes. I just put up the egg timer.

I still say this is going to turn out to be nothing.

Okay, here's the thing. I don't think I want it to be nothing.

Did I miss a meeting?

We haven't been exactly careful about this lately.

Who? Who hasn't been careful?

Last night, I specifically said to you I'm not using anything.

-Last night? -Yeah.

-You said that? -Yeah.

What did I say?

-You didn't say anything. -Right. So?

So I assumed you were with me on this.

Well, whatever, but...

If you're four days late, this didn't happen last night.

Okay. So you weren't so careful last night.

I wasn't careful a couple of weeks ago.

-Whatever. -When?

-You know, whenever. -What do you mean?

I didn't always put my diaphragm in.

What?

I don't hear you're saying.

I didn't always put my diaphragm in!

-On purpose? -Accidentally on purpose.

No, no, there's no such thing as that.

-It was unconscious. -It was unconscious?

Okay. So how do you know?

What is with your side burns?

Hold it a second. You knew this?

You knew, and you didn't tell me?

I'm telling you now.

That's so... That's, that's such a--

-Violation. -Violation.

-No, it's not. -It's not?

That's... That's just-- that's...

That's just so... I need somebody else here.

This is so... It's just wrong all over the place.

You're absolutely right. I'm the devil.

Meanwhile, I want to make a baby with you.

[STAMMERING]

When did you get to this?

I'm not 20 years old anymore, you know?

I can't keep telling my body no

and then expecting it to hop to the minute we say so.

Plus, everyone we know is having a baby.

-There's a really good reason. -It's not the reason.

-So what is the reason? -The reason is I want to.

Do you know how beautiful our baby would be?

It would be a beautiful baby.

Do you know how loved our baby would be?

-It would be very loved. -So?

I'm not against having a baby, I'm just not caught up to you.

Relax.

Do you not know why what you did was so wrong?

-I know. I know. -When one partner doesn't know,

it's like having sex with them when they're asleep.

That is sick.

-That's sick. -All right.

That's a bad example maybe-- Did it just bing?

No.

-Do you want to be like Auggie? -Who's Auggie?

What's-her-name's husband. He's like 65 years--

-He's not 65. -Whatever he is.

-Do you want to wait that long? -No, no.

So... So, even though you don't think you're ready,

maybe this is somebody else's way of saying,

"You know what you guys? You're ready.

[SIGHING]

This job... this job is exactly the kind of job

that a grown-up guy with kids would have.

Well?

So what do we do? We get a cradle?

Yeah.

-Do you know what kind to get? -Yeah.

But it... it would change everything between you and me.

Everybody always says that.

That you lose the thing between the two of you. Who cares?

-Who cares? -I'm ready.

Well, you know, I'm not.

[TIMER DINGS]

Are you sure this is accurate?

It's accurate.

-You happy? -No.

No?

I was-- I thought I was going to be relieved.

I feel like sad now.

-You're sad? -I feel a little sad.

-You're a little sad? -I'm plenty sad.

I'm so happy you're sad.

-Thank you very much. -You know, what I mean.

Should we start trying?

-Now. -From now on?

-Maybe. -Really?

-Yeah. -Really?

-Yeah. -You sure?

-No, I'm not sure. -But we'll start trying?

-Yeah. -Really trying for it?

What I did just say to you?

-All right, then. -All right.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

-Excuse me. -What?

-I'm throwing this out. -Okay.

-I will. -Do it.

-Don't think I won't. -I don't.

[JAMIE CHUCKLES]

You want to know how beautiful this baby would be?

Come here.

What?

I just think I handled this whole thing really great.

Before the B-A-B-Y comes,

you and I will have to have a nice long T-A-L-K

with the D-O-G.

[DOG WHIMPERS]

He knows.

♪ [THEME MUSIC PLAYS]