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1
00:00:05,167 --> 00:00:08,100
WOMAN ON RADIO:5:25 on thisThanksgiving Thursday...
2
00:00:08,167 --> 00:00:09,300
(TURNS RADIO OFF)
3
00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:03,133
(SIGHS HAPPILY)
4
00:01:14,634 --> 00:01:18,534
* Tell me whyI love you like I do
5
00:01:18,601 --> 00:01:22,634
* Tell me whocan stop my heartas much as you
6
00:01:22,701 --> 00:01:24,434
* Let's take each other's hand
7
00:01:24,501 --> 00:01:25,934
* As we jump into
8
00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:27,534
* the final frontier
9
00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:31,467
* I'm mad about you, baby
10
00:01:31,534 --> 00:01:33,200
* Yeah!
11
00:01:35,067 --> 00:01:36,167
You should get dressed.
12
00:01:36,234 --> 00:01:38,000
Huh? We got... We got time.
13
00:01:38,067 --> 00:01:39,567
Who gave us this?
14
00:01:39,634 --> 00:01:40,767
My mother. Put it out.
15
00:01:40,834 --> 00:01:43,367
Oh. It's so atrocious.
16
00:01:45,634 --> 00:01:47,734
You know what?
I think we're sending
the wrong message.
17
00:01:47,801 --> 00:01:48,901
If they see
this stuff out,
18
00:01:48,968 --> 00:01:50,634
it only encourages them
to give us more.
19
00:01:50,701 --> 00:01:53,534
If she doesn't see it,
she's gonna start smiling.
20
00:01:53,601 --> 00:01:55,767
Well, we sure don't want
that to happen.
No, no, no.
21
00:01:55,834 --> 00:01:57,501
Trust me.
She smiles, she's hurt,
22
00:01:57,567 --> 00:01:59,200
she laughs,
she's pissed,
23
00:01:59,267 --> 00:02:01,934
she gets bubbly,
it's every man
for himself.
24
00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:03,534
Can you help me with this?
25
00:02:03,601 --> 00:02:06,267
(OVEN BELL DINGS)
And it's the Knicks
by 12 at the half.
26
00:02:09,868 --> 00:02:11,901
Hey, what is that?
Cranberries.
27
00:02:11,968 --> 00:02:13,033
Not from a can?
28
00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:14,167
Be very impressed.
29
00:02:14,234 --> 00:02:15,400
I'm wildly impressed.
30
00:02:15,467 --> 00:02:16,901
My mother always
made cans.
31
00:02:16,968 --> 00:02:18,267
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
32
00:02:18,334 --> 00:02:19,901
I got it.
33
00:02:19,968 --> 00:02:21,200
Here, I'll get it.
Here. You do this.
Do you know how to do it?
34
00:02:21,267 --> 00:02:22,467
I believe
I'll figure it out.
35
00:02:22,534 --> 00:02:23,734
All right. All right.
36
00:02:23,801 --> 00:02:24,968
Hello?
37
00:02:25,033 --> 00:02:27,033
I'm in the middle
of cooking.
38
00:02:27,100 --> 00:02:30,400
Lisa, you're not
a vegetarian.
39
00:02:30,467 --> 00:02:33,267
Oh, since when?
Honey? Honey? Fast.
Fast, fast, fast, fast.
40
00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:39,667
Oh, come on. This is just
a hostile act against Daddy,
41
00:02:39,734 --> 00:02:41,033
and you know it.
42
00:02:41,100 --> 00:02:42,868
Maybe because
he's a butcher.
43
00:02:42,934 --> 00:02:44,767
Doesn't she pay
somebody for this?
44
00:02:44,834 --> 00:02:46,634
We're not going to
have salad.
No salad?
45
00:02:46,701 --> 00:02:49,467
Every Thanksgiving
my mother made salad
and every year nobody ate it.
46
00:02:49,534 --> 00:02:52,868
Sweetie, it's like you can't
do it too fast.
Band, bang, bang, bang, bang.
47
00:02:54,367 --> 00:02:56,267
No. No, no, no.
48
00:02:56,334 --> 00:02:59,100
No. No salad.
49
00:02:59,167 --> 00:03:01,167
That is not a hostile act
against mom.
50
00:03:01,234 --> 00:03:02,834
Because it's
totally different.
51
00:03:02,901 --> 00:03:04,167
Because it is.
I'll do it.
52
00:03:04,234 --> 00:03:05,667
Okay, fine.
53
00:03:05,734 --> 00:03:07,467
Fine, fine, fine.
Just please let me go.
54
00:03:07,534 --> 00:03:08,968
Okay, bye.
55
00:03:09,033 --> 00:03:10,200
When you run downstairs
for ice,
56
00:03:10,267 --> 00:03:12,968
will you also get
a vegetarian lasagna?
57
00:03:13,033 --> 00:03:15,400
Who's running down for ice?
I made ice.
58
00:03:15,467 --> 00:03:16,467
Look... Hey!
59
00:03:19,033 --> 00:03:20,367
Where's my ice?
60
00:03:20,434 --> 00:03:23,200
I needed the room
in the freezer.
We'll buy ice.
61
00:03:23,267 --> 00:03:26,467
I've been working
on that ice
for two weeks.
62
00:03:26,534 --> 00:03:30,968
I had a whole schedule.
I'm up nights making ice.
63
00:03:31,033 --> 00:03:34,367
You were doing
an absolutely beautiful job.
Please go downstairs.
64
00:03:34,434 --> 00:03:36,067
Ice and what? Lasagna?
Yes.
65
00:03:36,133 --> 00:03:37,234
You want me to
make you a list?
I don't need a list.
66
00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:38,868
And brussels sprouts.
67
00:03:38,934 --> 00:03:40,267
Oh, hey you know,
brussels sprouts,
let's say no.
68
00:03:40,334 --> 00:03:42,901
Come on. Fran's alone,
Ryan is with Mark,
69
00:03:42,968 --> 00:03:45,200
she's feeling vulnerable,
and she loves
brussels sprouts.
70
00:03:45,267 --> 00:03:47,100
So let her eat
a Valium.
71
00:03:49,033 --> 00:03:51,501
Would you please...
This is the first time
they're all coming to us.
72
00:03:51,567 --> 00:03:52,701
I want everyone
to be happy.
73
00:03:52,767 --> 00:03:54,200
I thought
we're doing it our way.
74
00:03:54,267 --> 00:03:56,200
We are doing it our way,
except with
brussels sprouts.
75
00:03:56,267 --> 00:03:58,701
All right, so what
am I getting? I'm getting ice,
brussels sprouts, and lasagna.
76
00:03:58,767 --> 00:04:00,634
Thank you.
And chutney.
77
00:04:00,701 --> 00:04:02,634
Now I got to make
a list.
78
00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:09,000
Anything else?
Nope. That's it.
79
00:04:09,067 --> 00:04:11,300
You forget doilies?
Acorn squash? Dental floss?
80
00:04:11,367 --> 00:04:12,467
We're covered.
81
00:04:12,534 --> 00:04:14,033
We have nice turkey.
82
00:04:14,100 --> 00:04:15,367
As do we.
83
00:04:15,434 --> 00:04:17,234
Just that
and the ice.
84
00:04:17,300 --> 00:04:19,701
Ice. My biggest
profit margin.
85
00:04:19,767 --> 00:04:21,033
Just water, cold,
and time.
86
00:04:24,133 --> 00:04:26,100
Okay. Hey!
Parents.
87
00:04:26,167 --> 00:04:29,801
Early parents.
Yes, they are. Very.
88
00:04:29,868 --> 00:04:31,267
It's your first
Thanksgiving here.
89
00:04:31,334 --> 00:04:33,834
We thought we'd give you
a hand.
90
00:04:33,901 --> 00:04:36,367
Look, Paulie,
I brought my potatoes.
91
00:04:36,434 --> 00:04:38,467
Oh. You know,
Jamie made potatoes.
92
00:04:38,534 --> 00:04:40,434
So she'll freeze hers.
93
00:04:41,434 --> 00:04:42,601
Okay.
94
00:04:42,667 --> 00:04:44,067
I've got to baste.
95
00:04:44,133 --> 00:04:46,100
Is that ice?
Yeah. This is ice.
96
00:04:46,167 --> 00:04:47,868
You bought ice?
Yeah.
97
00:04:47,934 --> 00:04:49,801
He bought ice.
You bought ice?
98
00:04:49,868 --> 00:04:51,701
I bought ice.
Your turn.
99
00:04:52,667 --> 00:04:54,634
Ooh. Ooh.
Is this Ira?
100
00:04:54,701 --> 00:04:55,868
Where?
There.
101
00:04:55,934 --> 00:04:57,701
No. Clint Black.
102
00:04:57,767 --> 00:05:00,267
I can't believe
Ira got his band
in the parade.
103
00:05:00,334 --> 00:05:01,734
What a break.
104
00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:03,300
They're going to be
dressed like pilgrims,
105
00:05:03,367 --> 00:05:05,434
and they're gonna play
Turkey in the Straw.
106
00:05:05,501 --> 00:05:08,400
Hey, don't knock it.
You know, that's how
Led Zeppelin started.
107
00:05:08,467 --> 00:05:10,400
(PIPES CLANGING)
108
00:05:10,467 --> 00:05:12,400
You mean to tell me
that super of yours still
hasn't fixed those pipes?
109
00:05:12,467 --> 00:05:13,501
Do you have a wrench?
110
00:05:13,567 --> 00:05:15,100
And what can I do?
111
00:05:15,167 --> 00:05:16,367
Nothing. Both of you,
sit down and relax.
You're our guests.
112
00:05:16,434 --> 00:05:17,501
This is our turn.
113
00:05:17,567 --> 00:05:19,300
At least let me
help set the table.
114
00:05:19,367 --> 00:05:21,367
It's set.
We're doing buffet.
115
00:05:21,434 --> 00:05:23,367
And why is that,
honey?
116
00:05:25,267 --> 00:05:26,968
You know why, ma?
117
00:05:27,033 --> 00:05:30,467
Just... Just to toy
with your mind.
118
00:05:30,534 --> 00:05:32,367
You know what?
We should get dressed.
Yes.
119
00:05:32,434 --> 00:05:34,601
I'll take care
of the kitchen.
120
00:05:36,434 --> 00:05:38,534
Look. It's so unusual.
121
00:05:39,434 --> 00:05:41,067
It's a sweet potato mousse.
122
00:05:41,133 --> 00:05:42,601
Martha Stewart made it
for Willard Scott.
123
00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:46,834
That man will eat anything.
124
00:05:46,901 --> 00:05:48,901
Ooh! No marshmallows.
125
00:05:48,968 --> 00:05:50,601
It didn't call for any.
126
00:05:50,667 --> 00:05:52,834
Want to hear
a funny story?
127
00:05:52,901 --> 00:05:56,400
When I was little girl,
we had no money.
It was during the war.
128
00:05:56,467 --> 00:06:00,200
My father was overseas,
and my mother was in
the hospital with the croup.
129
00:06:00,267 --> 00:06:03,968
Well, so far it's more
a cute story
than, like, funny.
130
00:06:04,033 --> 00:06:07,567
Thanksgiving, all my
brothers and sisters, we
went to eat with Mama.
131
00:06:07,634 --> 00:06:09,167
They brought in the tray,
and we looked down,
132
00:06:09,234 --> 00:06:10,467
and there were
the sweet potatoes,
133
00:06:10,534 --> 00:06:11,767
but no marshmallows.
134
00:06:11,834 --> 00:06:13,200
'Cause they were
rationed.
135
00:06:13,267 --> 00:06:14,734
Marshmallows?
136
00:06:14,801 --> 00:06:16,100
It was war.
137
00:06:17,634 --> 00:06:21,033
Anyway, we were
so upset,
we cried and cried.
138
00:06:21,100 --> 00:06:24,367
And I told myself
that when
the war was over,
139
00:06:24,434 --> 00:06:26,033
I would never
spend a holiday
140
00:06:26,100 --> 00:06:28,501
without marshmallows
again.
141
00:06:28,567 --> 00:06:30,200
But this is fine.
142
00:06:36,033 --> 00:06:37,701
I'll be right back.
143
00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:41,133
Sweetie, she doesn't
need marshmallows.
144
00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:42,367
I just want her
to be happy.
145
00:06:42,434 --> 00:06:44,167
Quick! Quick! Quick!
Look at this.
146
00:06:44,234 --> 00:06:45,467
What, what?
147
00:06:45,534 --> 00:06:48,133
That's not Ira.
That's Ben Vereen.
148
00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:49,934
I know.
What a talent.
149
00:06:50,767 --> 00:06:51,934
Yeah.
150
00:06:52,634 --> 00:06:54,234
Excuse me.
151
00:06:54,300 --> 00:06:57,601
Nothing else? Votive candles?
Lemon Pledge?
Chocolate macaroons?
152
00:06:57,667 --> 00:06:59,000
No.
Just marshmallows.
153
00:06:59,067 --> 00:07:01,234
For sweet potatoes.
Uh, sweet potato mousse.
154
00:07:01,300 --> 00:07:03,834
Martha Stewart make that
for Willard Scott.
155
00:07:03,901 --> 00:07:05,234
But no marshmallows.
156
00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:07,467
(LAUGHS IRONICALLY)
You want to hear
a funny story?
157
00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:09,734
Mom, Daddy,
you're early.
158
00:07:09,801 --> 00:07:10,868
Yeah, they actually are.
159
00:07:10,934 --> 00:07:12,534
Hello,
sweetheart.
160
00:07:12,601 --> 00:07:14,501
Oh, God, she's smiling.
What have you done?
161
00:07:14,567 --> 00:07:15,834
I told her no salad.
162
00:07:15,901 --> 00:07:17,734
Oh, for crying
out loud.
163
00:07:19,501 --> 00:07:20,968
Aunt Lolly,
happy Thanksgiving.
164
00:07:21,033 --> 00:07:22,200
Guess what I'm having
for dinner.
165
00:07:22,267 --> 00:07:23,434
Vegetarian lasagna.
166
00:07:23,501 --> 00:07:25,167
Why?
'Cause.
167
00:07:25,234 --> 00:07:27,367
Well, you know,
vegetarians die young.
168
00:07:27,434 --> 00:07:28,901
Says who?
It's a fact.
169
00:07:29,868 --> 00:07:31,000
I gotta baste.
170
00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:34,400
Look what I brought.
My potatoes.
171
00:07:34,467 --> 00:07:36,801
Oh, how thoughtful.
172
00:07:36,868 --> 00:07:38,667
Oh, what a large bird.
173
00:07:40,834 --> 00:07:41,934
No, it's big enough.
174
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:43,234
Oh, it looks delicious.
175
00:07:43,300 --> 00:07:45,234
Oh, come on.
Give it a try.
176
00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:47,601
How did you prepare it?
177
00:07:47,667 --> 00:07:49,767
You know, melted butter,
paprika, a little sage.
178
00:07:49,834 --> 00:07:51,601
Didn't you salt it?
I did, salt and pepper.
179
00:07:51,667 --> 00:07:53,400
Because Daddy
can't eat salt. Gus!
180
00:07:53,467 --> 00:07:55,000
Just a little bit.
She salted the turkey!
181
00:07:55,067 --> 00:07:56,167
Oh, only on the skin.
182
00:07:56,234 --> 00:07:57,300
(DOORBELL BUZZES)
183
00:07:57,367 --> 00:07:58,934
Oh, more company.
184
00:08:02,100 --> 00:08:03,367
PAUL: I got it.
185
00:08:06,734 --> 00:08:09,100
Oh, you'd do it, too,
if you could.
186
00:08:16,100 --> 00:08:17,534
Hey.
Hey.
187
00:08:17,601 --> 00:08:20,534
See, that's Ira.
Hi!
188
00:08:20,601 --> 00:08:23,934
Ira, we were just watching
the tape of the parade.
Where are you?
189
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:26,367
I got bumped.
My god. Who bumped you?
190
00:08:26,434 --> 00:08:27,767
Shari Lewis.
191
00:08:28,901 --> 00:08:31,067
Shari Lewis bumped me.
192
00:08:31,133 --> 00:08:33,467
You know,
she's Jerry Lewis' wife.
193
00:08:35,734 --> 00:08:37,167
No, she's not.
194
00:08:37,234 --> 00:08:39,100
It's a fact.
195
00:08:39,167 --> 00:08:41,834
It's amazing, you know.
Her float gets a flat,
so they give her ours.
196
00:08:41,901 --> 00:08:44,033
Like people would
rather see a woman
going down Broadway
197
00:08:44,100 --> 00:08:46,234
with her hand
up a lamb's ass.
198
00:08:48,767 --> 00:08:50,367
Well, I'm going to set
the table.
199
00:08:50,434 --> 00:08:51,667
It's set.
200
00:08:53,934 --> 00:08:55,067
You're so funny.
201
00:08:55,133 --> 00:08:56,934
Oh, God,
she's laughing.
202
00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:58,501
They went buffet.
203
00:08:59,334 --> 00:09:00,467
Buffet?
204
00:09:03,067 --> 00:09:06,334
Wow, I haven't see her
cranked this high
since I shaved my head.
205
00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:08,133
I'll be right back.
206
00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:09,434
Where you going?
I'm just going
to get some salad.
207
00:09:09,501 --> 00:09:10,501
She doesn't need salad.
208
00:09:10,567 --> 00:09:11,634
Maybe it'll get her off
the buffet.
209
00:09:11,701 --> 00:09:12,834
Where's she going?
210
00:09:12,901 --> 00:09:14,434
She's going
to get salad.
211
00:09:14,501 --> 00:09:16,534
Oh, that's nuts.
Just give me turkey,
212
00:09:16,601 --> 00:09:19,667
some stuffing,
and that cranberry jelly,
and I'm set.
213
00:09:19,734 --> 00:09:21,801
Cranberry jelly?
Yeah.
214
00:09:21,868 --> 00:09:23,300
Well, how would you feel
about turkey, stuffing,
215
00:09:23,367 --> 00:09:25,234
and cranberries
made from scratch?
216
00:09:25,300 --> 00:09:26,300
Scratch?
Scratch.
217
00:09:26,367 --> 00:09:27,801
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Not for me.
218
00:09:27,868 --> 00:09:31,000
See, for Thanksgiving,
it has to slide
out of the can.
219
00:09:36,667 --> 00:09:38,567
Now what?
Cranberries.
220
00:09:38,634 --> 00:09:40,434
Take it easy
with the water chestnuts.
221
00:09:40,501 --> 00:09:43,033
My mother once choked
on one of those.
222
00:09:44,534 --> 00:09:45,901
Uh, jellied cranberry
sauce.
223
00:09:45,968 --> 00:09:48,267
Don't carry.
Tweezers. Pretzel nuggets.
224
00:09:48,334 --> 00:09:50,234
How about
a nice block of halvah?
225
00:09:50,300 --> 00:09:53,434
You don't carry...
You don't carry
jellied cranberry sauce?
226
00:09:53,501 --> 00:09:55,367
You have soup
from 15 countries,
227
00:09:55,434 --> 00:09:57,033
but jellied
cranberry sauce
you don't have?
228
00:09:57,100 --> 00:09:58,601
Union problems.
229
00:09:58,667 --> 00:10:00,767
(STAMMERING)
There must be one can
somewhere.
230
00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:02,367
I only see two beans
in this three-bean salad.
231
00:10:02,434 --> 00:10:03,734
Oh, who cares?
232
00:10:03,801 --> 00:10:05,501
Trust me, she'll notice.
233
00:10:05,567 --> 00:10:07,901
He wants it
sliding out of a can.
234
00:10:07,968 --> 00:10:10,067
It has to slide out of a can.
You know why, by the way?
235
00:10:10,133 --> 00:10:11,334
(SUCKING)
The noise.
He likes the...
236
00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:13,567
He likes that little
cranberry suck noise.
237
00:10:13,634 --> 00:10:15,267
My mother needs kidney beans.
238
00:10:15,334 --> 00:10:17,033
What are we...
What are we doing?
239
00:10:17,100 --> 00:10:19,601
This is just... You know what,
baby? Whose Thanksgiving
is this, anyway?
240
00:10:19,667 --> 00:10:21,133
You're right.
241
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:22,100
Why are we
making ourselves
crazy?
242
00:10:22,167 --> 00:10:23,501
You're right.
243
00:10:23,567 --> 00:10:26,133
We should... We should
just get up there.
244
00:10:27,100 --> 00:10:28,501
You're right.
245
00:10:30,434 --> 00:10:31,400
(EXHALES)
246
00:10:33,634 --> 00:10:36,734
It breaks my heart
what's happened
to your life.
247
00:10:36,801 --> 00:10:38,467
(PARADE MARCH PLAYING ON TV)
248
00:10:38,501 --> 00:10:39,601
Hi!
Hey!
249
00:10:39,667 --> 00:10:41,234
I've been here minutes.
250
00:10:41,300 --> 00:10:43,033
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
251
00:10:43,100 --> 00:10:46,000
Listen, I've been
with them years. Trust me.
It gets worse.
252
00:10:46,067 --> 00:10:47,234
Hello?
253
00:10:47,300 --> 00:10:49,033
Aunt Lolly, could you
turn that down, please?
254
00:10:49,100 --> 00:10:50,534
PAUL: I got it.
Okay.
255
00:10:50,601 --> 00:10:53,067
Fran, it's for you.
Yeah. One second.
256
00:10:53,133 --> 00:10:55,834
Hello?
Mark? What's the problem?
257
00:10:55,901 --> 00:10:57,701
Well, just tell him to eat it.
258
00:10:57,767 --> 00:10:59,367
Fine, let me talk to him.
259
00:10:59,434 --> 00:11:02,067
Ryan? Sweetie?
You like turkey.
260
00:11:02,701 --> 00:11:04,100
Yes, you do.
261
00:11:04,167 --> 00:11:05,801
Yes, you do.
262
00:11:05,868 --> 00:11:07,567
Yes, you do.
263
00:11:07,634 --> 00:11:09,133
Excuse me.
What happened to
the table here?
264
00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:10,901
We went another way.
265
00:11:11,767 --> 00:11:13,334
Oh...
266
00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:15,434
What did we... We said
we're going buffet.
267
00:11:15,501 --> 00:11:16,601
Well, we still are.
268
00:11:16,667 --> 00:11:18,501
We're just
sitting at it.
269
00:11:18,567 --> 00:11:20,367
The other thing
was too much walking.
270
00:11:20,434 --> 00:11:22,133
This way,
everybody's happy.
271
00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:23,501
No, actually, not really.
272
00:11:23,567 --> 00:11:27,100
This way, you're happy,
me and the missus,
not so much.
273
00:11:27,167 --> 00:11:29,834
Jamie's happy.
Not so much.
274
00:11:29,901 --> 00:11:31,467
Look, let me explain
something to you people.
275
00:11:31,534 --> 00:11:33,701
This is our home,
this is our dinner.
276
00:11:33,767 --> 00:11:37,234
So, if we want to eat
on our laps with
no cranberry jelly...
277
00:11:37,300 --> 00:11:38,801
No jellied?
No jellied.
278
00:11:38,868 --> 00:11:40,067
Then it's not Thanksgiving.
279
00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:42,868
No, it is Thanksgiving.
It's just
our Thanksgiving,
280
00:11:42,934 --> 00:11:45,434
which means we're
we're gonna do it our way.
281
00:11:45,501 --> 00:11:46,801
Right?
Right.
282
00:11:46,868 --> 00:11:49,000
Yeah.
So, come on
move the chairs back.
283
00:11:52,734 --> 00:11:56,634
Come on, come on,
come on, come on!
284
00:11:56,701 --> 00:11:59,133
Now, scatter 'em.
Scatter 'em around.
All right?
285
00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:00,234
This is gonna be fun.
286
00:12:00,300 --> 00:12:01,667
We're gonna have
a great Thanksgiving.
287
00:12:01,734 --> 00:12:03,601
It'll be really good.
You just have to trust us.
288
00:12:03,667 --> 00:12:06,133
We're not kids anymore.
Everything is under control.
289
00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:08,467
It's gonna be fine.
290
00:12:08,534 --> 00:12:09,734
Sit down.
291
00:12:35,033 --> 00:12:37,634
How do you eat
a 30-pound turkey?
292
00:12:37,701 --> 00:12:39,567
What are you,
an animal?
293
00:12:41,467 --> 00:12:42,667
There. How's that?
294
00:12:42,734 --> 00:12:44,234
It looks very bad.
Oh, God.
295
00:12:44,300 --> 00:12:45,734
Why don't we just
go out there?
We'll tell them the truth.
296
00:12:45,801 --> 00:12:47,634
Please.
You're right.
297
00:12:47,701 --> 00:12:48,801
We're adults.
I know!
298
00:12:48,868 --> 00:12:51,067
All right.
299
00:12:51,133 --> 00:12:54,033
Here's what we do.
Here is what...
This is smart.
300
00:12:54,100 --> 00:12:56,267
Okay. We sneak out,
and we buy another turkey,
301
00:12:56,334 --> 00:12:58,701
and then when they're
not looking,
we sneak it back in,
302
00:12:58,767 --> 00:13:00,901
but like adults.
303
00:13:00,968 --> 00:13:02,067
Okay. Okay.
Okay.
304
00:13:02,133 --> 00:13:05,100
All right, so I'll go,
you stall them.
305
00:13:04,601 --> 00:13:06,267
Yes, you do.
306
00:13:06,334 --> 00:13:08,667
Yes, you do.
307
00:13:08,734 --> 00:13:10,767
Well, the turkey
should be ready any minute.
308
00:13:10,834 --> 00:13:12,400
THERESA:
It looked done to me.
309
00:13:12,467 --> 00:13:14,868
Where are you going now?
310
00:13:14,934 --> 00:13:17,234
Huh? Oh, I just
got to get a small...
311
00:13:17,300 --> 00:13:18,367
What?
312
00:13:22,167 --> 00:13:24,000
Uh, hey!
313
00:13:24,067 --> 00:13:25,501
You know what we should do?
314
00:13:25,567 --> 00:13:27,234
Let's sit around
in a circle
315
00:13:27,300 --> 00:13:30,200
and let's tell each other
what we're thankful for.
316
00:13:30,267 --> 00:13:31,701
Yeah, right.
Get up.
317
00:13:33,033 --> 00:13:36,200
Who wants to go first?
Uh... Uh, Sylvia?
318
00:13:36,267 --> 00:13:38,501
Come back to me,
honey.
319
00:13:38,567 --> 00:13:39,667
Okey-dokey.
320
00:13:39,734 --> 00:13:41,968
Burt, what are you
thankful for?
321
00:13:42,033 --> 00:13:43,968
I got a parking space
in front of
the building.
322
00:13:45,334 --> 00:13:46,334
And?
323
00:13:47,067 --> 00:13:48,334
No meter.
324
00:13:49,667 --> 00:13:50,834
Daddy?
325
00:13:50,901 --> 00:13:53,033
I'm thankful we're
gonna be eating soon.
326
00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:54,300
We're gonna be
eating soon, right?
327
00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:55,534
Yes, we are.
328
00:13:55,601 --> 00:13:58,033
I'm thankful for
my beautiful daughter,
329
00:13:58,100 --> 00:13:59,601
her wonderful husband,
330
00:13:59,667 --> 00:14:00,801
her lovely home,
331
00:14:00,868 --> 00:14:02,501
her exciting job,
332
00:14:02,567 --> 00:14:03,968
and for Lisa.
333
00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:11,501
I'm thankful
I have therapy tomorrow.
334
00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:15,667
Fran, how about you?
335
00:14:15,734 --> 00:14:17,067
Yes, you do.
336
00:14:17,901 --> 00:14:19,367
Ira?
337
00:14:19,434 --> 00:14:20,834
Uh, Chuckles.
338
00:14:21,601 --> 00:14:22,968
The candy?
339
00:14:23,033 --> 00:14:24,067
Yeah.
340
00:14:25,868 --> 00:14:27,334
And Aunt Lolly?
341
00:14:29,267 --> 00:14:31,000
And okey-dokey.
342
00:14:31,067 --> 00:14:33,133
Um, so, that brings
it back to me.
343
00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:35,667
Let's see, let's see,
let's see, let's see.
344
00:14:35,734 --> 00:14:38,968
There's just so many things
to be thankful for.
345
00:14:39,033 --> 00:14:41,400
Alphabetically,
for example...
346
00:14:41,467 --> 00:14:43,701
Aaaa... Apple blossom time.
347
00:14:44,234 --> 00:14:46,400
A.
348
00:14:46,467 --> 00:14:49,000
All right. No clam dip,
no light bulbs, no marzipan.
I just need a turkey.
349
00:14:49,067 --> 00:14:50,534
We got smoked,
not smoked,
350
00:14:50,601 --> 00:14:52,334
stuffed, not stuffed.
Garnished, not garnished...
351
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:54,200
Oh, I'm begging you.
352
00:14:54,267 --> 00:14:57,868
And what else, what else,
what else, what else?
353
00:14:57,934 --> 00:15:00,868
Vinyl. Vinyl.
354
00:15:00,934 --> 00:15:04,133
Just like leather,
but nobody gets hurt.
355
00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:06,567
Well, I'm thankful
I'm a vegetarian
356
00:15:06,634 --> 00:15:08,334
and don't have to wait
for some dead bird to cook.
357
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,267
No, Lisa, Lisa. Wait. Wait.
You've helped enough.
358
00:15:14,100 --> 00:15:16,534
You know, maybe it's just
my new outlook on meat,
359
00:15:16,601 --> 00:15:17,734
but this is disgusting.
360
00:15:17,801 --> 00:15:20,000
Okay.
Please don't tell anyone.
361
00:15:20,067 --> 00:15:21,467
Paul's out getting
another one right now.
362
00:15:21,534 --> 00:15:22,567
Relax.
363
00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:27,834
FRAN: Yes, you do.
364
00:15:27,901 --> 00:15:29,234
Yes, you do.
365
00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:37,133
LISA:
Wow! That's the most
beautiful turkey
366
00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:39,667
I've ever seen,
and I'm a vegetarian!
367
00:15:41,634 --> 00:15:43,501
Any minute now.
368
00:15:43,567 --> 00:15:44,601
Hi.
369
00:15:44,667 --> 00:15:46,501
Then pick
the mushrooms out.
370
00:15:48,601 --> 00:15:49,701
Where were you?
371
00:15:49,767 --> 00:15:51,100
Hmm?
372
00:15:51,167 --> 00:15:52,200
I told you, I had to...
I had to...
373
00:15:52,267 --> 00:15:53,200
(MUTTERING)
374
00:15:56,100 --> 00:15:57,234
Hah!
375
00:15:57,300 --> 00:15:58,868
What?
Do you hear that?
376
00:15:58,934 --> 00:16:01,100
What?
The pipes are clanging again.
377
00:16:01,167 --> 00:16:02,801
Oh, that.
It's horrible.
378
00:16:02,868 --> 00:16:04,601
Yeah, I'm just gonna
call the plumber.
379
00:16:04,667 --> 00:16:06,467
Are you calling
a plumber on Thanksgiving?
380
00:16:06,534 --> 00:16:07,968
Do you know what
that's going to cost you?
381
00:16:08,033 --> 00:16:10,767
$179 minimum.
It's a fact.
382
00:16:11,868 --> 00:16:14,267
What do they care?
They buy ice.
383
00:16:17,067 --> 00:16:18,501
You don't need a plumber.
384
00:16:18,567 --> 00:16:20,367
I'll have that damn thing
fixed in five minutes.
385
00:16:20,434 --> 00:16:23,067
I'll give you a hand.
It's right in there.
386
00:16:27,367 --> 00:16:28,534
You know what?
387
00:16:28,601 --> 00:16:31,567
$179 will come in handy
when we redo
the bedroom.
388
00:16:31,634 --> 00:16:33,167
You're redoing
the bedroom?
389
00:16:33,234 --> 00:16:35,467
Yeah, I hope I don't
make the same mistakes
I made last time.
390
00:16:36,901 --> 00:16:39,200
We'll look.
Right in there.
391
00:16:39,267 --> 00:16:41,701
FRAN: Ryan, sweetie,
let me talk to Daddy.
392
00:16:41,767 --> 00:16:44,033
Mark, just talk to him.
393
00:16:44,100 --> 00:16:46,667
You have control
of the situation.
394
00:16:45,434 --> 00:16:47,100
Yes, you do.
395
00:16:47,167 --> 00:16:48,834
Yes, you do.
396
00:16:48,901 --> 00:16:51,400
Where is it?
It was right here
a second ago.
397
00:16:51,467 --> 00:16:54,067
You don't leave
a turkey in the hallway
in New York city!
398
00:16:54,133 --> 00:16:55,167
Well... Who knew?
399
00:16:55,234 --> 00:16:56,567
It's a fact!
400
00:16:58,167 --> 00:16:59,834
Butterball,
not Butterball,
401
00:16:59,901 --> 00:17:01,400
organic, not organic.
402
00:17:01,467 --> 00:17:02,868
Free range,
range restricted...
403
00:17:14,834 --> 00:17:16,200
BURT:
How can you not
have a wrench?
404
00:17:16,267 --> 00:17:18,601
PAUL:
I'm looking,
I'm looking.
405
00:17:18,667 --> 00:17:20,701
SYLVIA: Lisa, take the lamps.
406
00:17:20,767 --> 00:17:21,934
PAUL: How about these?
407
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:24,200
A pliers
is not a wrench.
408
00:17:24,267 --> 00:17:27,133
THERESA:
You can never have
too many pillows.
409
00:17:29,534 --> 00:17:30,601
(CAR HORN HONKING)
410
00:17:40,734 --> 00:17:42,133
Personally, that wouldn't
have been my choice.
411
00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:44,501
I panicked!
412
00:17:44,567 --> 00:17:47,133
Look, you two relax.
We'll go. Come on.
413
00:17:49,567 --> 00:17:51,467
Where are you going?
414
00:17:51,534 --> 00:17:52,434
I'm just afraid your
sister's going to
overcook that bird.
415
00:17:52,501 --> 00:17:54,100
She won't.
She might.
416
00:17:54,167 --> 00:17:55,801
It's done.
Well, then, let's go eat.
Everybody.
417
00:17:55,868 --> 00:17:58,000
Not that kind of done.
418
00:17:58,067 --> 00:17:59,634
Are you having
an episode?
419
00:17:59,701 --> 00:18:01,701
No, no.
It's just the turkey.
420
00:18:01,767 --> 00:18:03,300
Well...
421
00:18:03,367 --> 00:18:06,367
Murray sort of...
Ate it.
422
00:18:06,434 --> 00:18:09,167
Oh, my goodness.
Poor Jamie.
423
00:18:09,234 --> 00:18:11,534
You can't tell
anybody.
Of course not.
424
00:18:11,601 --> 00:18:13,634
Gus!
425
00:18:13,701 --> 00:18:15,767
Just put it on
the Buchmans' account.
426
00:18:15,834 --> 00:18:17,501
They're good eaters.
427
00:18:20,534 --> 00:18:23,300
I will definitely
hate this chair less
in the bedroom.
428
00:18:23,367 --> 00:18:25,534
What do you think?
429
00:18:25,601 --> 00:18:26,767
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
430
00:18:26,834 --> 00:18:28,801
All right, all right.
Let's see. 12C?
431
00:18:28,868 --> 00:18:30,267
12D. Right above them.
432
00:18:30,334 --> 00:18:31,334
12D.
433
00:18:33,634 --> 00:18:34,634
Hi!
434
00:18:38,601 --> 00:18:40,300
So, what do you think?
435
00:18:43,167 --> 00:18:44,434
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
436
00:18:51,534 --> 00:18:52,734
Hello.
437
00:18:52,801 --> 00:18:54,400
Go to the kitchen.
438
00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:56,834
Where are you?
Upstairs.
439
00:18:56,901 --> 00:18:57,934
What?
440
00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:00,200
Just go to your kitchen.
441
00:19:00,267 --> 00:19:01,467
Got it.
442
00:19:03,300 --> 00:19:05,467
SYLVIA: Who is that?
443
00:19:05,534 --> 00:19:06,567
Uh, Ira.
444
00:19:06,634 --> 00:19:08,234
Isn't he here?
445
00:19:08,300 --> 00:19:10,767
Uh, different Ira.
Excuse us.
446
00:19:10,834 --> 00:19:12,033
Dinner will be on
in a minute.
447
00:19:13,300 --> 00:19:14,567
Did I hear "dinner"?
448
00:19:14,634 --> 00:19:15,934
I wouldn't count
on it.
449
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:18,300
What do you mean?
What's going on?
450
00:19:18,367 --> 00:19:21,033
All right.
But you didn't
hear it from me.
451
00:19:26,601 --> 00:19:27,667
Why are we
in the kitchen?
452
00:19:27,734 --> 00:19:29,701
This is where
he said to go.
453
00:19:31,868 --> 00:19:33,100
I...
I don't know...
454
00:19:34,701 --> 00:19:37,467
She makes me want
to smoke again.
455
00:19:37,534 --> 00:19:39,868
(SNIFFS)
I smell turkey!
456
00:19:43,467 --> 00:19:45,868
Yes, you do.
But you know what?
We're letting it cool.
457
00:19:45,934 --> 00:19:47,534
Shouldn't it come out
of the oven for that?
458
00:19:47,601 --> 00:19:49,467
You bet.
That's what we're
going to do.
459
00:19:49,534 --> 00:19:50,501
We'll do that.
Why don't you tell
everybody to go wash up?
460
00:19:50,567 --> 00:19:52,000
Fine.
Okay.
461
00:20:03,868 --> 00:20:05,234
On the house.
462
00:20:07,801 --> 00:20:10,334
Everyone knew,
and nobody told me?
463
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:12,100
Well,
you were next.
464
00:20:12,934 --> 00:20:14,467
What a disaster.
465
00:20:17,133 --> 00:20:18,567
You know what?
466
00:20:20,434 --> 00:20:21,667
Look, everyone.
467
00:20:21,734 --> 00:20:23,601
It's Ira on TV.
468
00:20:25,067 --> 00:20:27,167
What Ira?
It's the Cirque du Soleil.
469
00:20:27,234 --> 00:20:28,300
Oh, sure, sure.
470
00:20:28,367 --> 00:20:29,868
There's Ira!
471
00:20:29,934 --> 00:20:31,501
(ALL CHATTERING)
472
00:20:35,334 --> 00:20:36,467
Good for you.
473
00:20:36,534 --> 00:20:38,834
What? I never had
a mother-in-law?
474
00:20:38,901 --> 00:20:40,067
She loved you.
475
00:20:40,133 --> 00:20:41,267
Please.
476
00:20:41,334 --> 00:20:43,434
It's Thanksgiving.
477
00:20:43,501 --> 00:20:45,267
All right.
Who wants turkey?
478
00:20:45,334 --> 00:20:46,534
(ALL CHATTERING)
479
00:20:46,601 --> 00:20:47,734
JAMIE:
Sorry it took so long.
480
00:20:47,801 --> 00:20:49,267
Oh, what long?
481
00:20:49,334 --> 00:20:50,968
It just gave me a chance
to work up an appetite.
482
00:20:51,033 --> 00:20:54,067
Oh, this buffet.
I feel so cosmopolitan.
483
00:20:54,133 --> 00:20:56,334
No, I really do.
484
00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:59,067
The bird looks
delicious.
485
00:20:59,133 --> 00:21:01,100
Wait till you see
dessert.
486
00:21:14,033 --> 00:21:15,734
Thank God
they're out of the room.
487
00:21:15,801 --> 00:21:18,834
I haven't been able
to get a word in edgewise.
488
00:21:18,901 --> 00:21:21,901
I'm telling you, Ceil,
these people are nuts.
489
00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:25,267
They're going,
and they're coming,
490
00:21:25,334 --> 00:21:28,601
and not a speck
of salad anywhere.
491
00:21:28,667 --> 00:21:32,367
And I keep watching
the parade over and over.
492
00:21:32,434 --> 00:21:33,934
And I'll tell you the truth.
493
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:35,467
They keep calling me
Aunt Lolly,
494
00:21:35,534 --> 00:21:39,400
and I'm not even sure
which one of them
I'm related to.
495
00:21:39,467 --> 00:21:41,634
What the hell.
It's a free meal.
33578
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