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Oh, my first lesson!

Remember to smile, brief non-political small-talk...

...background information on the dance.

Ooh, Sans Souci!

Hi, Mrs. Harrison!

Hello, Mrs. Harrison.

Who is it?

It's the Dangerous Stranger!

Pardon me?

Just kidding. It's Michael Minetti, Mrs. Harrison.

Mr. Minetti, what company sent you here?

Six Dance Lessons in Six Weeks!

Of course.

- Of course, come in. - Hi, Mrs. Harrison!

- Hi, how are you? - Good.

I... I'm sorry to ask you so many questions,

but I have to be a little cautious when my husband is not home.

I see.

Well, time's up! That'll be a hundred dollars for the first lesson.

Just kidding.

Wow! Look at that view!

Have you been here long?

Yes, my husband and I moved

down here from South Carolina, about six years ago.

We live in Clearwater, but not at the beach.

You and your wife?

Yeah, yeah.

Boy, these ugly high-rises may ruin the view for the rest of us,

but they are sure great from the inside.

Oh, no offense.

None taken.

I didn't build this place.

Can I get you something to drink?

Water would be great.

You know, I pushed all of the furniture back.

I just hope there's room enough.

Absolutely.

Should I pay you now, for the first lesson?

Yeah. On the mantle, like a hooker.

I'm not putting out until I see some cashola.

Sorry, no offense.

None taken... again.

Just gotta get used to my sense of humor.

Do I?

So, you know, we're starting with the Swing,

which became popular, as you may recall, during World War II.

Uh, forget the cotillion and point me to the dance hall,

booze, horny GI's and loose women.

Relax, let your hair down, and make public reference

to your genitals as you jiggle on the dance floor.

Do I have to pay to listen to your two-bit commentaries on the dances you teach?

Not a cent.

And certainly not two bits. But if it slips out,

I'll just extend your time at the end of the lesson.

That's my vitamins.

Mm-hmm.

The dance, though rather free-form,

does have definite steps and patterns, thank God, otherwise who needs me.

That's for sure.

OK.

And I will indicate these to you using these footprints,

left foot black, right foot white...

Mr. Minetti, you have not yet answered my question:

Should I pay you now or at the end?

- Is it really that important? - It is to me.

OK, well, if you're not going to be able to concentrate until you pay me...

It's not question of my inability to concentrate.

OK, if you have this deep, obsessive-compulsive need to write me a check...

I simply want to know what's done!

I don't know what's done!

This is my first fucking lesson, you tight-assed old biddy!

Mrs. Harrison, I am so sorry about that little outburst.

"No offense," right?

Exactly, exactly, no offense.

I just... I had bad day.

- A bad week, in fact. - Yeah, it just got worse.

Grab your footprints and get out of here.

No, no, we haven't even begun yet.

We just... we got off on the wrong foot, so to speak.

I have a feeling that you spend all day on that foot.

Let's see who gets to the door first,

you or building security.

All right.

See, Mrs. Harrison, I haven't had much luck in the job market lately...

What a surprise. Goodbye now.

Are you planning to tell my boss about this?

I promise I'll be better!

No. People don't change.

Shoo! You shoo, shoo.

Before I call the police!

Michael, your lesson's over already?

And my career in ballroom.

Susie, it was a disaster. She hated me. I don't know why.

I did everything that the index cards told me to do.

Oh, that's OK. These things happen.

Really, do you think Cunard will understand?

Oh, no. He'll fire you for sure.

Susie, I need this job!

I'm not qualified for anything else, I'm too old to flip burgers,

I'm up to my ears in bills... What if she calls him?!

It's the Terminator, shit.

- Oh. - I'm Lily Harrison.

I'd like to speak to the manager, please.

- Regarding? - Regarding him!

This foul-mouthed, dancing loony you sent to my home!

I'm so sorry. Mr. Cunard is teaching a class right now, but I can help you.

- I doubt it. - Express yourself!

Is that he?

Uh, well, yes, but you can't interrupt the...

It's all right, It'll just be moment.

You can't go in there! Ma'am!

I think if you understood the circumstances

you'd cut me a little slack here.

You seem like a compassionate woman, Mrs. Harrison.

I mean, not really, but in case I'm wrong,

I want you to know that I need this job.

And yet you've done everything possible to lose it.

How easy for you.

We have no money, my wife is very ill.

And, frankly, I'm not sure she's going to survive.

I'm warning you.

I taught school for 30 years

and I could write the definitive guide on spotting B.S.

I couldn't lie about this. My wife is the bread winner in the house,

and she has not been able to work for months.

This job is the only income we have.

- What does she do? - She's a veterinarian.

- Where? - At the Seminole Cat, Dog, Bird, and Snake Hospital.

- Bird and snake? - Could I make that up?

Susie, what's going on out here?

Mrs. Harrison stopped by

after her lesson with Michael, just to see the studio.

And to meet you, sir.

Mr. Cunard, Mrs... Mrs. Harrison.

I'm charmed.

Is this young man treating you well?

He is...

...one in a million.

Oh!

Good. Welcome to our little family.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Mambo!

Susie?

Who's that?

Oh, that's Michael Minetti,

he's our new in-home course teacher.

In-home? That sounds like fun.

OK, I've done my good deed for the year.

Now I never want to see you again. Is that understood?

Oh... God.

What'll I tell my wife?

Oh, wipe the Mother Teresa expression off your face.

I know better. Come on in, let's get this thing started.

My husband will be home soon.

And I'm warning you, this is just a trial period for you.

I know, and I appreciate it. You're very understanding.

Oh, don't wear it out.

Swing, you were saying,

was invented by and for degenerates during World War II, right?

Precisely! The background is so important, you know,

for capturing the soul of the dance.

I mean, that's really what you communicate when you dance, the soul.

The steps are just conveyances, physical dialogue.

- I like that image. - Good.

Of course, without the steps,

you're just a stupid cow bouncing around on the dance floor.

I like that image less. But it's an incentive.

Exactly.

Now, starting with the triple step to your right...

One-two-three, one-two-three...

Good, Mrs. Harrison! You were holding out on me!

This is the music of my youth, Mr. Minetti!

Michael, please. This puts us on a first name basis.

No, it doesn't.

OK, Mrs. Harrison.

Now, fall away rock:

Right foot back in fall away position,

forward on your left foot, and tap. Again.

Right foot back, forward on your left foot, and tap. Very good.

Now, let's put it together.

One-two-three, one-two-three, fall away, tap. Again.

One-two-three, one-two-three, back, and tap.

That's it!

Oh... Would you turn the music down for me, please?

Too bad. We were just hitting the zone.

- Hello. - Lily!

It's the woman downstairs.

Ida. You don't have to shout, honey.

I thought I had died!

I heard a bunch of broads singing three-part harmony

above me, like noisy Jewish angels.

So what are you... channeling the Andrews Sisters?

No, Ida, I'm dancing.

All alone? Like a crazy woman?

No, I have a partner.

Two of you, no wonder!

Look, I can file a complaint.

Nobody can stop me from dancing in my own unit, Ida.

Can the hollow threats, and I'll turn the music down, OK?!

OK!

Say, Lily, don't forget the group trip to Epcot on the 21st.

No... Epcot! Yeah, you know, I nearly forgot that.

And I just love the food in Morocco!

See you then. Bye-bye.

Well, that ended surprisingly well.

Well, she's just a lonely old woman, you know?

Suffering from all the infirmities of old age.

Except, unfortunately, hearing loss.

By the end of the conversation she doesn't even remember why she called.

She remembered Epcot.

It seems silly, doesn't it?

You see, Mr. Minetti, we're people trying to make

an interesting day for ourselves.

And if we can string enough together we have a week.

And if we get four of those, we've made it through another month.

Not silly, really, it's... survival.

You're not old enough to consider yourself one of those people.

Sixty-eight. Card-carrying member of the "tight-assed old biddy" society.

You're not going to keep throwing that in my face, are you?

Whenever possible.

Besides, you have your husband.

Oh, yes, and he's gonna be home soon and I'm just talking my time away.

The meter stops for conversation.

Thank you.

And, in case you were wondering,

you can pay me at the end of the lesson.

No gratuities accepted.

None offered... and none earned.

Yet!

Them's fighting words, Mrs. Harrison!

- Lily... - OK, Lily.

You loose GI groupie! Let's boogie!

Follow...

Oh, Lily, you'll be waking up in the barracks tomorrow!

What would your wife say if she heard you say that?

She'd say, "You better stop provoking me!"

Look what I have for you, the hardest hundred dollars I ever earned.

And look what I have right here for you...

Stats on your next student!

Way to go, Susie!

- Hi. - Hi.

Hi...

- Irene Mossbecker. - Michael Minetti.

Susie tells me you have some experience,

but you're interested in polishing your technique.

Yeah... I wanna to rub it till it shines.

Please go on in.

Wow, beautiful room.

Thanks, I decided something around here had to look virginal.

Oh, kitty.

Yeah, that's Camellia, but don't let her fool you,

she only plays hard to get.

Unlike me.

I'm having a highball. Can I get you one?

Uh, nah...

Nah, one drink and I forget all my moves.

So we're starting with the Swing...

I love to swing.

...which became popular during World War II...

...as you may recall.

Oh, sure, I recall World War II.

There was the Eastern front and the Western front.

Michael...?

What are you doing in my neck of the woods?

Me.

Mrs. Minetti?

No! No, Mrs. Harrison, this is my newest pupil, Irene Mossbecker.

I was just giving Irene her first lesson,

and we both needed some things at the store, so...

So we stopped here to refuel.

Doritos, dip, and coke.

Not gonna get very far with that.

Honey, those Mallomars aren't exactly on the Surgeon General's best-pick list.

My husband has a special fondness for Mallomars.

So I indulge him once in a while.

I'm sure he needs it.

I hope your wife is feeling better, Mr. Minetti.

Good afternoon.

- Directory assistance. - Hello.

- What listing, please? - Uh, operator,

the number for the Seminole Cat, Dog, Bird, and Snake Hospital.

- Checking... -Thank you.

Sorry, I don't have that listing.

Oh, I see.

Um... Do you have Seminole Cat, Dog, and Bird?

Checking.

No, sorry.

- Cat and bird? - Uh, no.

- Dog and snake? - Really?

Oh, this is ridiculous. Thank you, operator.

Damn!

- Who is it? - Ted Bundy.

I know you can see me through that thing.

Are you ready to Tango?

Look, I dressed appropriately for the occasion.

Aww, but Lily... she looks a little moody today.

Perhaps she needs the seduction of the dance to open her heart.

It's going to take a lot more than that.

- What? - I'm not sure I want to be associated with a liar.

All right, what is going on?

There is no Seminole Cat, Dog, Bird, and Snake Hospital!

- You checked? - Yes, but that's not the point!

You lied to me!

I bet your wife isn't even sick.

You wouldn't want her to be, would you?

You don't even have a wife, do you?

Not even a little one.

Didn't we develop a rapport?

Yes, we did develop a rapport, and yes, I did lie to you.

But not about needing the job, Lily.

Necessity is no excuse for opportunism!

Did you tack that homily on the bulletin board when you were teaching?

Because I'd like a copy to send to the bank instead of my mortgage payment.

Forget it.

If you lose this job,

don't blame it on anybody but yourself.

Between your... your bad temper and your dishonesty...

Only my ass can hear you now!

And your foul mouth! You act like a crazy man!

I'm not crazy, I'm Italian! This is normal behavior for us.

What's your excuse for treating people badly?

Menopause.

When you've lived as long as I have,

- you have so many scars... - Look, if I were going to murder you, believe me,

I would've done it during the first lesson.

Lying is a crime, too, Michael.

You kept asking me questions! I had to keep making stuff up to stay consistent.

And then I see you with that woman.

Uh... She followed me there after a lesson!

She's just some crazy old lady!

Is that the way you talk about all your students?

For me, there is no other student but you.

Come, Guapa, I want to mold you.

Not right now, thanks.

Normal people need transitions between events.

Tick-tock, Lily.

Do you really wanna look back on your deathbed and say,

"Damn, I wish I hadn't wasted so much time on transition?"

Now... ooh.

The Tango is perhaps the most sensual,

and romantic, of the Latin dances.

It was created by the gaucho of Argentina, who,

after a long... hard day on the pampas,

got his much-needed R&R by picking up a floozie in the local taberna...

...getting her sloshed on cheap wine...

...and then dragging her around the dance floor

for a few measures before...

...laying her.

The origin of all dancing is sexual, Lily.

But the Tango...

The Tango, is undiluted...

...musical... foreplay...

Now...

...like sex...

...it's all in the execution.

And slow... slow, slow, quick, quick.

Slow, slow, slow, quick, quick.

Slow... slow...

- Oh, I'm sorry... - Yeah, no problem.

Hello...

That music is deafening me!

Is your ear trumpet nailed to your ceiling?!

I don't appreciate that!

You sound like the dancing elephants in Fantasia!

I don't appreciate that comparison!

Say, have you seen the new version of Fantasiaat the Imax?

- Fantasia?! - Maybe we'll catch it the next time we're in Orlando!

I'd love it! Bye-bye!

Multiple personality?

No, it's perspective.

At our age, who knows how much time we have left?

- Why waste it arguing? - Never stopped me.

I noticed that.

But you can't understand yet.

You think I can't understand mortality?

You're still enjoying the gift of youth, Michael.

And, despite what my AARP newsletter says,

the world does belong to the young.

No, it doesn't, Lily.

We're renting it just like the rest of you.

Tango, Señorita?

Encantada,Señor.

So how was your day on the pampas?

Well, Señorita, to be honest,

my horse threw me, I have jock itch...

...and I am very horny.

Well, don't get any ideas,

you haven't even bought me a drink yet.

Michael, what a surprise!

Sorry to drop in on you like this.

Oh, no, I'm glad you did. I'm happy to see you.

- Oh... - I'd invite you up,

but Harlan always naps between two and four.

- Wanna go out to the sun deck? - Yeah.

Yeah, come on, it's right out here.

- What...? - Oh, what a beautiful day, it is. Is it?

Yeah.

Lily, I dropped by today because I've been troubled with the fact that

I wasn't totally honest with you.

Oh, forget it. I understand...

Just hear me out, please.

I wasn't honest about who I am

because I already knew who you were.

Who I am?

The wife of a Southern Baptist minister.

And that makes me...?

Possibly intolerant?

- Intolerant? - Of gay people.

Unmarried dance instructor?

I'm gay, Lily.

- You're gay? - Yes.

So, it was all an act?

What?

Yeah, the dancing, the kidding around...

I was having fun with you!

Exactly!

Like with that woman at Winn Dixie.

Shop, tease, flirt...

...anything to keep the old ladies happy.

Keep 'em writing those checks.

- Lily, I... - In my day, we had a word for men like you.

- Yeah I know... queers. - No... gigolos!

It's not like that at all.

Mr. Minetti, I gave you another chance and it didn't work out.

So I will not tell the dance studio why I'm cancelling my lessons,

but I personally cannot accept your deception any longer.

Are you cancelling because I lied to you, or because I told you the truth about being gay?

That has nothing to do with it!

Though, I can't say I approve of it.

I don't need your approval. I just needed a job.

Well, you got it! And you'd do anything to keep it!

Including lyin'!

I guess you were right, Mrs. Harrison.

People don't change.

Your loose tongue has lost me two new clients!

Sir, one was in a motorized chair and the other used a walker.

I couldn't, in good conscience, let them...

You couldn't?!

I don't pay you to have an opinion or a conscience.

Anyone with a heartbeat can dance!

Excuse me, sir, but you're speaking a little loudly.

The other clients are going to think that you don't appreciate Susie.

I'll speak at whatever volume I choose to whomever I choose in my own studio, Phillip!

Michael, sir. Michael Minetti.

Whatever. You watch your tongue and your step around here.

Remember, you both work for me, not for the client.

All right, ladies, are you ready to Samba?!

Thanks for sticking up for me, but I don't want him firing you, too.

Ah, hell, my days here are numbered, anyway, I think.

Harrison's canceling the course after all.

After what you told her about your poor wife?!

I don't have a wife, Susie. I'm gay.

Well, of course you are. But she didn't know that.

Well, now she does.

And, apparently, it's a deal breaker.

She called here yet?

No. I'll try to handle it if she does.

And, in the meantime, you've still got Mossbecker.

Yeah, erasing my karmic debt.

Mrs. Mossbecker, you're not supposed to grab my hips in the follow step!

This is the Cha-Cha, not the Bunny Hop or the Hokie-Pokie!

You could use a little Pokie yourself.

What's wrong with you? This is supposed to be fun.

You know, what, you're right.

Let's go.

Cha-cha, cha-cha-cha.

No lesson today?

Oh, Ida.

No, no, I cancelled the course.

Oh, thank God. Thank God!

Well, it was a silly idea.

Lily, there are no silly ideas at our age.

Have a little fun. Just quietly.

You're all dolled up today.

You going someplace special?

Robert, my baby, is taking me to lunch.

It's Mother's Day, you know.

Oh, no, I didn't.

I pulled the car up, Mom.

Honey, you remember Lily Harrison?

Yes, of course.

How could I forget second most beautiful woman in the building?

Thank you. It's nice to see you again, Robert.

Well, we're off.

Lily, would you like to join us?

You know, it's just the two of us,

and we could use the company.

Thank you, but I just have so much to do.

- But, thank you. - Anytime, really.

- OK. - Guess it's just me and my gal.

Lily, we'll see you later.

Don't take too much sun. It ages you.

Too late.

She's so funny.

Have a good time.

- Bye. - Bye.

Mommy. Mommy. Mommy, Mommy, wait for me!

Mrs. Harrison...

- What's that? - This is your check for the Viennese Waltz lesson.

You didn't have it.

But we scheduled it,

and I was the one that cancelled it... abruptly.

So, it's only fair. Please...

Well...

My husband always says, "Hate the sin, but not the sinner."

- Yeah, the bigot's anthem. - That is an insult!

Don't blame me or my husband because you're... in the pantry!

In the closet! And I'm not.

I'm just careful about revealing my private life.

This is the South, after all.

I'd rather be in the closet than in the coffin.

Great choice, then. Deciding to be a dance instructor in Florida.

You think I wanted to end up living in the last notch of the Bible Belt?

What do you mean?

Nothing. You know, what, you're right.

I lied to you. But the real crime is, I lied about who I was to save my job.

The money doesn't seem so important now.

Well, I don't want to be responsible for your losing your job.

Oh, please, no charity.

Who really wants to take dance lessons from

a passive-aggressive queen with a bad attitude?

Maybe a tight-assed, nosy old biddy.

You mean, you want to continue the lessons?

Well, we could give it another try.

I don't know.

Look, Michael, I don't have all day.

It's just yes or no!

In that case, no!

- Just kidding! - Oh!

Really, Michael, you don't do that to an old woman.

Now, see you tomorrow at noon for the Viennese Waltz.

And, thank you!

Oh...

- Isn't that heavenly? - Oh...

It's worth buying just to touch it.

Yes, but... I really don't need it.

No, but you deserve it.

Would you like to try it on?

No... I'd... I'd probably just wear it once.

Queen Elizabeth does that all the time.

So, who you visiting?

Mrs. Harrison.

- Lily Harrison, 14C. - Bingo.

So... you a relative?

No, I'm her gynecologist.

What?

Michael?

No, it's your dance instructor, Helmut.

I knew you'd dress up for the Viennese Waltz!

- I did, too! - Well, almost...

Oh, sorry to subject you to an old woman's back,

but would you mind zipping me up?

Not at all.

And your back is as pretty as a strudel.

Yeah, pasty and flaky.

You know my husband and I visited Vienna years ago.

And everyone was so nice.

I'm sure. They're very hospitable people.

They rolled out the red carpet for Hitler, too.

That was over half a century ago. Get over it.

I'd love to, but you got to keep your guard up.

I mean, these people are still around, you know,

baiting Jews, blacks, gays, anybody who's different.

And you're right, they're not just Austrians or Germans.

They could be anybody.

Anybody you pass on the street.

You hate too easily.

Well, it's inevitable when you're surrounded by big fat bigots.

Speaking of which...

...where's your husband today?

Are you insinuating that my husband is a bigot?

Mmm, let's see, Southern Baptist minister from South Carolina.

- You don't know how he feels. - How could I? He's never here.

But I would guess that your husband is the guy

who always knows who has a drop of black blood,

or whose name is Jewish, or who's screwing who.

- How dare you. - What?!

Maybe if he were here he could contradict me,

but he's always conveniently absent when I arrive.

He doesn't want to interrupt our dance lessons.

Oh, how thoughtful. Where does he go?

Well, he walks on the beach,

he meets with his friends, goes to the mall.

Beach, friends, mall. Is that your final answer?

Michael!

Maybe we should reschedule this lesson for tomorrow.

Fat chance.

I got all dressed up in this ratty tuxedo to give you this lesson.

Well, I don't want it!

And you put on your fuck-me dress!

Get out!

No, I have no intention of driving my ass

all the way back here to Sun City tomorrow.

Don't you plug that in!

You annoying, recalcitrant reprobate!

Thanks, I'm not used to such high-class insults.

A simple "crazy faggot" would have sufficed.

Now...

...when the Waltz was introduced it was considered scandalous...

Should I call the dance studio or the police?!

Why not call your imaginary husband?

What?

You don't have a husband, Lily!

- He died six years ago! - Shh...

My neighbors will hear you!

Who do you think told me?

Mr. Crumwald. That meddlesome old fart.

- Lily, an imaginary husband. - You had an imaginary wife!

For a few minutes. You had yours for six years!

At least he existed at one time.

That's even weirder!

You have no idea what it's like for a woman alone.

Is this the part where you try to arouse my sympathy

in order to excuse your behavior?

I have no excuse. But I do have a reason.

OK. Roll it out so I can kick it around.

After Harlan died,

I heard myself saying things like "My husband and I..."

or "I'll have to ask my husband."

Later, I admitted to myself

that it was more than refusing to part with my husband;

I didn't want to give up the mantle of protection

that having a husband affords a woman.

You know, people start to disappear when they get older.

Did you know that?

I knew they shrank a little bit.

Anyway, you start to disappear.

The hostess at Howard Johnson's just looks right through you,

the store clerks talk over your head.

But if there's a man holding onto your hand,

you feel that you might

just hang on to all three dimensions.

But a woman alone, without a husband...

...becomes completely invisible.

Oh, God, Lily.

So you can imagine how vulnerable I felt

having a stranger in my home.

You might try to rip me off, or even rape me.

- I guess rape was out. - Yeah...

I was too hard on you, and I apologize.

I accept it.

And I wanna tell you...

I see you, Lily... in all three dimensions.

You're right here.

Thank you.

Oh, and one more thing...

Yes...?

You look radiant in that gown.

Why, this old thing?

I just... I just thought it would be fun. But, thank you.

You are welcome.

May I have this dance?

Delighted, sir.

The Waltz is in three-four time, which means three beats per measure...

Can we just dance now, Michael? You can tell me later.

Of course...

Oh, not again.

- Hello... - I said have fun quietly, Lily!

Ratchet down the volume control on your hearing aid, Ida.

You're not supposed to be able to hear better than Superman.

Oh, really? Well, I'm going to complain to the board.

Go ahead! I'm wearing my fuck-me dress and I'm going to dance!

I think you've been spending way too much time with me.

But the nerve of that woman!

You don't really need an instructor for the Waltz, do you, Lily?

No...

...but I do need a partner.

Hello.

Yes, speaking.

I understand.

Wednesday will be fine. Thank you.

Mrs. Harrison...

Mrs. Harrison...

Mrs. Harrison.

- Oh, sorry! - We're ready for you.

Oh, Michael, I'm so sorry to disturb you,

but I was in Clearwater and I started having a little trouble with my car.

And I wonder, could check the engine for me?

I think you need a lesbian for that, but, yeah,

- I'd be happy to check it out. - Oh.

I was afraid I wouldn't make it home.

And now I've spoiled your lunch.

And made me late for an appointment.

- Hey! - Car seems to be running fine now.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Well, there's only one way to make it up.

- Tell me. - Come with me!

Wait, where are we going?!

Mr. Cunard's homework assignment for the Six-Dance-Lessons teachers,

his monthly exhibition dance.

What are all these old... old women doing with these young guys?

It's unseemly.

But where are all the older men?

At the mall with Harlan.

Somehow I can't picture it.

What?

You as a minister's wife.

Oh, it wasn't so bad at first.

Harlan was essentially a good person...

...but even a spouse wears on you after a while.

That's what happens when you marry outside your gender.

Sometimes it's necessity and inertia

that keeps a marriage together, not love.

What about children?

We had a child, a daughter.

Name was Nan.

But she died when she was 20.

So sorry.

I had no idea.

You didn't think I'd been hanging around for 68 years

waiting for life to happen to me, did you?

No, no, it's...

It's just I always accuse everybody of prejudging me,

and I did the same thing to you.... and your husband.

Well, you missed me by a few inches,

but, I must admit, you nailed Harlan.

You know, one day I realized that he quoted Scripture

as a substitute for original thinking.

In his zeal to live according to the letter of God's law...

...he lost his humanity.

And, you were right, he didn't like gays.

Still, I must say,

our relationship has improved since he died.

No...

Relationships do continue after death, did you know that?

However unilaterally.

Yes, however...

But they have to evolve for the survivor,

or you go mad,

reliving the same moments over and over.

Believe me, I know.

Your mother?

No, I was thinking about a friend of mine who died years ago.

- I'm sorry. - Thank you.

Oh, Michael!

Cunard sent me to round up some fresh meat.

Oh! Sorry, Mrs. Harrison, didn't mean to be disrespectful.

Oh, don't worry. Nobody can top Michael.

Glad to see you two together again.

Hello. Oh, hey, hi, Susie.

Did she say why?

Lily...

You know, I think they put that thing on backwards, because I can see your big fish eye.

Michael... I'm not feeling so hot today.

Didn't the dance studio call you?

No. Do you have a man in there?

I'm not properly dressed to receive guests.

Oh, don't get all Jane Austin about it.

Just open the door. I can take it.

Finally!

Oh, God, Lily, you really aren't dressed to receive guests.

Was that your husband's robe?

I told you...

- Oh, hell, I'll change. - Think Foxtrot!

Yeah...

- Good, it worked. - What worked?!

Oh, I said, "When I worked on Broadway."

You were on Broadway?

I was a chorus boy. And I worked constantly.

So what happened?

Isn't it a natural progression for a Broadway chorus boy

to end up as a dance instructor in heaven's boot camp?

Well, that's a nice thing to say to an old woman.

When I was dancing professionally,

illness was no excuse for missing a performance.

How many 68-year-old chorus dancers did you know?

I can't wait 'till I'm old and I can use my age as an excuse for everything.

And you will.

Ah, look at you! Dressed for cocktails at the Stork Club.

It's all smoke and mirrors. I still don't feel well enough to...

Yes, you do. You dressed to Foxtrot, you seductive slut!

Michael!

Oh, I had this delicious soup at lunch

and got some take-out for you.

Oh, no thanks.

- What kind did you get? - Cream of potato.

Well, maybe I would have just a little taste.

We haven't even turned on the music on yet!

That's not Ida.

- Hello. - Michael said he could make it the same time on Friday.

Friday might work. Could I get back to you, please?

- Oh, sure. OK. Bye-bye. - Yes! With passion!

That was Susie.

Oh?

She was calling to reschedule our lesson.

She told me she'd spoken to you.

Oh, I thought she was talking about your next lesson.

She told you I was sick, didn't she?!

That's why you brought the soup.

Good Lord, Lily, do you have to examine everything under your neutron microscope?

I brought you some goddamn soup!

Don't curse at me! I'm touched!

You don't sound touched!

Why rush over to resume our usual pattern

of lying and arguing?!

Because that's what we do!

Every relationship has a foundation. That's ours!

Hmm...

That's very nice, Michael. Thank you.

Shut up.

You have an unusual bedside manner.

- Mmm. That's delicious! - Isn't it?

Yes, it is.

Let me put on some dinner music.

That's Ida.

We're barely moving!

Hello, Ida.

Are the Busch Gardens' Clydesdales

giving a command performance in your living room?!

I thought you wanted me to have some fun!

You're an old woman now,

and all this dancing and cavorting with strange men

is... well, a little cheap.

I don't know if I'm going to go to Epcot.

I sure don't want to get stuck on the bus next to some nosy old biddy!

You ought to go down there and kick her ass!

Maybe if we just lowered the music.

I got a better idea.

It's like my mother's, and she was a great cook.

So was mine.

Does she still? I mean, is she, uh...

She died last year.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, what a kind face.

- Thanks. - Oh, my good...

She was sick for a few years.

With what? May I ask?

- Sure, Alzheimer's. - Oh, how terrible. Terrible.

Yeah.

And that is why I moved back from New York.

Oh. Is this your brother?

No, that's Charlie... he's an old friend of mine.

You have any siblings to help you with your mother?

Only child... surprise!

Well, she was lucky to have you.

I was the lucky one.

She... she kept me centered, she taught me humanity.

She had this... calming effect on me.

Guess you can tell she's gone.

And you looked after her all by yourself?

I couldn't afford nursing care, and I couldn't put her in a home.

My God, Michael, that must have been punishing.

Not really. You just have to change your priorities.

I knew her time was slipping away,

and so our time together became so much more precious.

And... and there were blessings:

she... she always remembered me, she always knew my name to the end.

I would walk into the room

and see her looking around

completely confused, and disoriented,

and I would stand right in her line of vision

and she would... She'd smile and say my name.

Michael...

I was her only point of reference,

her final solid landmark in a sea of

detached objects and floating mysteries.

What a good son you were.

Nah.

You gave up your career in New York to look after your mother.

Not much of a career anymore.

Hm...

You want to dance?

No, Michael, I really don't feel well.

What kind of deceptive disease is this, anyway,

that keeps you looking all healthy and vibrant?

What leaves me looking healthy and vibrant is Max Factor.

The disease, I don't know what it is, it's kind of a... malaise.

Malaise?

Did you find that in the Southern Belle Medical Dictionary

along with "the vapors"?

Oh, go ahead, laugh. When you're 75...

Mm-hmm.

Oh... damn.

- Wow... - Damn.

Maybe this is a serious disease if it causes you to age seven years in one day!

If you say your real age out loud, your face hears you.

As if I care.

Of course you don't care! It's my vanity!

I only got dressed like this because you were pissing me off!

Good thing your imaginary husband didn't hear you say that.

Now, the Social Foxtrot was introduced by Vernon Castle

and quickly became the popular musical excuse

for pressing your groin against that of someone you admired without getting arrested.

Really, Michael, you take all the charm out of it.

Oh, fiddle-y dee, don't you try that Miss Mellie routine on me.

I can just see you in the tobacco shed with your hoop skirt over your head.

OK...

All right.

Go back on your right.

Five-six-seven-eight.

And slide.

That's it! You got it!

Who needs the footprints?

Lily... I'm wasting my time and you are wasting your money!

All right, now we're gonna promenade, walk and chasse.

A five-six-seven and...

Chasse.

All right, Lily, level with me now.

You do these dances as well as I do.

You've taken other classes, haven't you?

Maybe a few.

But not private lessons, like this.

Oh, I hated going to that dance studio

and hanging around with a bunch of old widows

It took all the magic out of it.

Why not go to a dance? Meet some nice men your age?

They're usually married... or already dead.

Well, why not go dancing with me?

Oh, you have better things to do with your evenings than drag around an old...

Self-deprecating woman to a dance.

There's one at the Don CeSar next Thursday.

Let's go there instead of having our usual lesson.

Well... I don't know.

Why not? Share your talent with someone besides me... and Ida.

- OK. Yeah. - OK.

- OK. - OK.

I will pick you up at seven sharp. It's a date.

It's a... date.

It's been so long since I've had one, I can hardly say it.

Crumwald...

- Ticket? Enjoy. - Thank you.

Can you play a Cha-Cha for us?

Now, here's your lesson, or mine.

- Oh... - Yes.

Now, we're gonna start with a simple step to your right,

and then to your left.

Now, like Catholic birth control,

the Cha-Cha is all about rhythm.

OK, we're gonna start the second half,

- the backward part of the dance. - OK.

Back on your right foot: one-two, cha-cha-cha.

Three-two, cha-cha-cha. Good.

Poised, balanced...

Nureyev's watching me, so act like

you know what you're doing... and that you like me.

I do... know what I'm doing.

Well, show it, and fake the other!

Turn out.

And the other way.

And out.

That's wonderful! Thank you!

I wanna take more lessons!

Two-timing me again.

Wow.

- Ow! - Oh, excuse me.

Please observe the three-foot privacy zone.

- She pinched me! - Yes, Michael,

everyone wants to touch you.

- Madam. - Thank you.

Do you every get the feeling that...

...that you're just passing through life

watching it go by?

Like a passenger at a train window.

Never really touching it.

Never really becoming engaged by it.

- No, but that's my goal. - You don't mean that.

I've been spending more and more of my life that way.

You have to extend yourself, Lily.

- I did, I met you. - No, you hired me.

Well, if you have to shame me to preserve your pride, go ahead.

I'm not! I don't think there's anything wrong with paying for company.

Believe me, I have paid for... company.

- Do you mean sex? - Shhh.

Yes.

If that's what you want to call it.

You have paid for sex?

Lily, one way or another, you always pay for sex.

Why? You're a handsome man.

You could go out and meet someone nice.

Around here? I'll probably run into one of those crazy rednecks from Deliverance.

Oh, Michael, at your age, you should be looking seriously for romance.

- That's a '50s word for sex. - What about love?

Three months of ecstasy and a lifetime of agony.

How badly could you have suffered to be so jaded?

Hmm... Should we start in New York, or just do Florida?

Oh, in New York.

Mm, no, let's no... let's skip New York.

That's another level of misery entirely.

Oh, Michael, you don't have to do any of it...

No, I want to, let's start with the University of South Florida student.

Very, very handsome young man who transported me to a place I had never been before.

- Really? Oh... - Yeah. Hell.

Then there was the married man...

- Married? - Yep... to a woman.

Wh... to a woman? What's...

We were like that yogurt, you know, fruit on the bottom?

What...?

Oh...

Oh! Oh...

Yeah, so obviously that was doomed.

A relationship based purely on romance.

Didn't you ever fall in love?

Yes, yes, I did delude myself into believing I felt that thing for someone.

A great-looking guy,

even when he was snarling and yelling obscenities at me.

How did that end?

Well, I finally had to admit that he would never change,

and I told him so.

Well, at least you had the satisfaction of telling him off.

Yes, right after he pushed me out the door of his Mustang.

Oh, Michael, that's terrible!

Eh, don't worry; he was only doing like five miles an hour at the time.

Were you injured?

Well... I'd like to say

all he bruised my pride, but there was some soft tissue involved, too.

So that was it? You gave up after that?

Lily, have you even been listening?!

You want me to tell you that it's all right to give up,

but it's not, Michael.

Did you happen to detect

a pattern in my collective social experiences?

- Yes, poor judgement. - No, rotten people!

You found what you were looking for, a roll in the hay.

Oh, OK, the bullshit meter is going wild now! Let's go.

Or you were avoiding what you're afraid of...

- Hm... - Intimate contact.

Really? Where's your bevy of wonderful friends?

Hey, I'm an old woman, most of them have died off.

Oh, how convenient.

Besides, I can't even drive at night.

If your night vision's bad, make some day friends.

- I have friends! - Oh, please.

You are as reclusive and anti-social as I am!

It's hard to be alone, I admit,

but it's harder for me to be with people.

Lily, I understand.

But I don't feel that way with you.

Thank you. Neither do I.

Maybe it's you don't weigh anything you say.

I'm feeling a little less flattered now.

You spend half your life with your foot in your mouth.

Made your point!

OK, time to hang up your glass slippers.

All right.

Dance...

A five-six-seven and...

...sequin lapels, he made me look butch.

Are you kidding? He made me look butch!

We're gonna wake the neighbors.

- It's 10:00! - Yes.

Oh, I forgot, 10:00 is midnight in over-70 time.

Exactly.

Could I interest you in a cup of decaf?

Mmm... yeah.

Oh, I had such a lovely time tonight. Thank you for teaching me those Cha-Cha steps.

You already had the basics.

Mm.

Do you want to practice the... the underarm turn again?

Oh, I'd love to but... Ida.

Mm... mm...

No music. I'll just... I'll count it out.

Oh, OK.

OK. So, it's just the basic step.

Back on your right.

And back, two, cha-cha-cha.

And forward, two, cha-cha-cha, and turn...

OK that woman is a human seismograph!

Oh... I knew she'd been too quiet.

Hello, Ida...

Oh, I'm sorry, Robert, I... just a second, will you?

It's Ida's son, Robert!

We're in deep shit now.

Oh...

Robert, how are you?

Listen, Lily...

What?

Oh, my God, Robert.

I don't... I don't know what to say.

I'm so sorry.

I'll give you a call.

Yes, please let me know.

- Good night. - Good night.

What is it?

Ida died in her sleep.

Oh, my God.

Two nights ago.

Here I was having this

whole mental argument with her, and she was already gone.

Oh, it's OK. It's OK.

- I feel so bad. - It's all right.

Oh, I... I feel so bad.

I know.

- I'm so sorry. - I know.

- Sorry for your loss. - Come here, honey, let's sit over here.

You OK?

- Come on. - Hi, Lily.

Robert. I'm so sorry about your mother.

She was a wonderful woman.

Thank you, Lily.

You know Mom felt the same way about you.

She did?

Oh, yeah, she always spoke so fondly of you.

Well, I don't know why.

I was... I just... I rushed her on the phone a lot,

and... I just...

I was occasionally unpleasant.

I could have been a much better friend.

I didn't mean it...

Lily!

Lily, I saw your car downstairs. I know you're home.

All the neighbors are opening their doors and staring!

Michael, for heaven's sake, what a racket!

I knew mentioning the neighbors would do the trick.

Hermits are just social butterflies without wings.

I can't handle all this rambunctiousness today.

What's wrong with you?

You look like the senior version of Lost Weekend.

You're all rumpled.

I got back from an appointment

and I was very tired so I laid down and fell asleep, OK?

OK, so wake up!

Michael, you're too loud and so is your shirt!

Well, I'm rubber and you're glue.

And the shirt is to help set the mood, which I'm not going to let you ruin.

Now, I brought my...

...Beach Boys CD for the Contemporary Dance!

Beach Boys? I don't know how you define contemporary,

but the Beach Boys broke up about 20 years ago.

I saw on Access Hollywood that one of the boys had to be in rehab for ages.

All right, all right, all right! But compared to Johann Strauss, they're today!

And the tempos are perfect for several contemporary dances.

Seriously, Michael, I don't have the energy for any of those jiggly dances today.

Well, seriously, Lily, have a cup of coffee and tighten your bra strap.

I don't have to dance if I don't want to!

OK, but, you might as well, because either way, you're paying for it!

Well, I choose the no-dance way.

Where's my checkbook?!

Oh, there's the grand gesture again!

Lady Rothschild cracks open her checkbook and the peasants

shield their eyes to avoid being blinded.

- What is this, the tenth? - I'm not telling you.

It's $100 right?

Yeah, $100 for the lesson and an additional 1,000 for pain and suffering.

Make that ten thousand for mine, but we'll call it even.

- OK, here. - You're gonna have to hand it to me.

I'm not going to go fetch it.

Here...

I won't accept it.

You're gonna have to stuff it in my G-string like you're tipping a stripper.

Oh, I can't do that! Here, just take it, would you!

No, Lily, if you're gonna end this impersonally, let's really do it.

Oh, you're impossible man!

Even saying goodbye is difficult with you!

Is that what this is about?

Well, of course. It's the last lesson, isn't it?

I told you I would see you again.

You were just throwing an old dog a bone.

I went to Ida's funeral with you, didn't I?!

That's only because you killed her.

I thought we'd settled that!

OK, we both killed her.

That's better.

Poor old thing.

All I did was argue with her.

Yeah, I can relate to that.

I tormented her. All she wanted was peace...

"Peace and quiet!" God, Lily, set it to music.

Heartless! Nothing is sacred to you.

Come on, Lily. Ida enjoyed arguing with you.

That's why she called you, it revved her engine.

Robert did say that she always spoke fondly of me.

Oh, that was just funeral feel-good talk.

So why ruin it for me?!

In the interest of reality!

He said the same thing to me, and I never even met her!

He was trying to be nice. He's a very nice young man.

I saw him looking at you, and I think...

I think he might be...

...you know... gay.

And what makes you, you know... say that?

Well, for a man his age he's very trim,

and he has a full head of hair.

Good, we found a cure for obesity and baldness.

We already knew it worked to prevent pregnancy.

It's not just that. Ida told me that he wasn't married

because he could never find the right girl.

Right. One with a penis.

So you think so, too?

Yeah, I didn't need a secret handshake to spot that one.

Then why did you question it when I said it?

Because I wanted to explore your reasoning, based almost entirely on a false stereotype.

I don't claim to be an expert.

You're the only gay man I've ever known.

That's what you think.

Known well. And I hope you're not a representative sample!

Oh, really? And what would be your dream sample?

Somebody less exasperating, perhaps?

Hey, Lily, if you need to insult me in order to relieve your separation anxiety...

I wasn't insulting you.

Maybe I should just make it easy for you and go.

If you want to...

You know what, I thought I could joke you out of this mood,

but now I'm in it with you, and I'm tired of dodging bullets.

Goodbye, Lily.

Oh... goodbye.

It's been a pleasure teaching you, and getting to know you.

You have may be my first pupil, but I think you'll always be my best.

Well, thank you.

Here's this.

Thank you.

And if Six Dance Lessons can be of any further service,

please don't hesitate to call on us.

If a dance has a name, we teach it.

We have many qualified instructors.

I don't think I'd want another instructor;

I was very satisfied with the one I had.

Thank you.

And if Six Dance Lessons can be of any further service,

please don't hesitate to call on us.

We have many qualified instructors.

- Got any straight ones? - No.

It's been a real blast

chasing you around the couch, watching you blush,

but I'm looking for a little more action.

I was a dutiful, and faithful wife

to a very sick man for many years.

I want to have a little fun with the time I have left.

I understand.

Don't you think that's all right?

Absolutely. Go for it!

Besides, you already have a pet pupil.

Oh, Mrs. Harrison? I'm not seeing her any...

Or, I'm not teaching her anymore.

Too bad. I thought you kids were gonna make it.

Go now, be free!

Susie stepped away. I'll take those.

That's Mrs. Mossbecker and Mrs. Harrison's last checks.

Neither extended?

No, but I was hoping you had a new client for me.

You have to generate your own work around here.

We can't just keep handing it out.

I signed up a new Six Dance Lessons client today.

- So... - Give her to Todd.

But, Mr. Cunard, he already has...

- Keith, then. - I get it, anyone but me.

- Dancing is an enterprise, Phillip. - Michael.

Requiring teamwork, ingenuity, and cunning.

No! It's an art requiring empathy, grace, and sensitivity!

- Susie... - These women are more than just dollar signs.

They're people with a few dreams left. You used to know that.

How dare you speak to me that way in...!

In front of other people? Embarrassing, isn't it?

Don't mess with me, Winslow.

I know where all the bodies are buried around here.

We'll discuss this later.

Come to me, my butterflies. Come to me.

What was that?

I don't know...!

Oh, shh...

I just... I suddenly realized what I had to do.

Thank you.

'Cause so did I.

Hey! If you're looking for Lily, she's having her treatment today.

- Treatment? - Yeah... radiation.

For what?!

She had that lymphoma three years ago and went into remission.

Then a couple of weeks ago the doctors told her...

Where is she? Do you know?

Of course I know, Morton Plant Hospital.

Morton Plant Hospital.

Thank you.

Huh?

Oh, how did you know I was here?

Crumwald.

I should've known that.

And I made you dance! Lily, why didn't you tell me?

I wanted you to make me dance.

I didn't want you to see me as a sick old woman.

That's why you were pushing me out the door last week, wasn't it?

I suppose.

After what you went through with your mother,

I didn't want you to feel obligated, in any way.

Well, I do, Lily.

That's the litmus test for friendship, a sense of obligation.

Well, don't.

Too late. When you're done you'll come and rest at my place.

CD's and lemonade on the porch. We'll make a ritual of it.

That is not what I wanted.

Oh, don't give me that Southern-girl double talk. I know you want it.

- Stop it... - Mrs. Harrison?

Please come with me.

I'll be waiting for you, babe.

- OK. - OK.

Oh, look at you!

So handsome!

And the whole world, right at your feet.

That was the last show I did in New York,

Well, Broadway's loss is my gain, I guess.

- You wanna see a picture? - Yeah!

This is my daughter.

Oh... what a beautiful girl, Lily.

She was, wasn't she?

Yeah.

How did... How did she...?

Oh, actually, it was an abortion.

An illegal abortion.

Of course, all abortions were illegal at that time.

Did you know she was pregnant?

Oh, yeah, she told me. She told me everything.

But I made the mistake of telling Harlan.

Oh...

He turned to fire, then to ice.

He forbade me to speak to her,

and, like a good Baptist wife,

I deferred to my husband's wishes.

It wasn't your fault, Lily.

Of course it was. I was her mother.

It's my duty to protect her.

But, you tried to.

No, I turned from her in silence,

as my husband had told me to.

Then you have to forgive yourself.

No.

Oh, my God.

I go through life as if I were the only person with nerve endings,

and you... you've had so much pain.

We're all walking past something.

Look at you with your mother, and your Florida...

Dates from hell.

Not to mention New York.

New York was the best time of my life.

That's what's so unmentionable about it, the loss of it.

- Your career? - Oh, no...

My love, Charlie.

He died in New York.

Oh...

Yeah, and afterwards,

his family treated me... kind of badly.

They contested his will, and won.

And I was forced to move out our home,

And his sister, who wouldn't even visit Charlie when he was in the hospital in a coma,

thought she should decide where his body should be buried.

Oh, what a terrible story.

Hey, you know... now I can remember Charlie and I can smile.

Just like I know he's smiling at all my bad dates.

Maybe he's responsible for them.

Maybe that's his way of telling me that you only get one good one.

Oh, that's not true. That's not true.

You might have to pass a million faces

before you find another one, the special one.

But you will.

Thanks, Lily.

Michael... may I ask you something?

- Sure. - Are you sick?

You mean mentally?

'Cause I thought we already established that.

I mean physically.

Do you have AIDS?

Lily, why do you ask me that?

Well, your friend, Charles, dying like that.

Charlie died of pancreatic cancer, Lily.

- We do die of other diseases. - Your anger.

I got the fundamentalists, the cowardly politicians and hate groups.

I don't need AIDS to make me angry.

I'm sorry. I've offended you.

Eh, it was your turn.

Michael... you know, I was wrong about something.

- About what? - People do change.

Or maybe they finally let us see who they really are.

Maybe.

I'm so glad to be back.

Do you want to go to your bedroom?

No, I want to sit and watch the sun set with you.

- Thank you. - There we are.

There we go.

How about some lemonade?

Oh, maybe later.

You... relax. You don't have to make fuss over me.

So the doctor was encouraging today.

Oh, yes, well, people always give you something you want,

in my case, hope,

to sell you something that you don't want.

In my case, systematic medical torture.

Lily, the treatments have been very effective.

- You have to stay... positive. - Positive.

- Positive. - Yes.

Oh, look at the sky.

The last part of a sunset's the best, don't you think?

Just when you think it's over,

the sun throws its brightest colors all across the sky.

Sunsets have been so vibrant lately.

I think it's the time of year.

Or it's my time of life.

Everything becomes more precious when you're running out of it.

You want me to get that?

Yes, please.

I think it's for you, anyway.

For me?

Hello.

- Oh, hi. - Oh, hi, Robert.

I was just calling to see how Lily's doing.

Oh, she's fine...

She's strong as an old plow horse.

A simple horse would have sufficed.

Oh, ask him if he'd like to come up for lemonade and sunset.

Lily wants to know if you would like to come up for lemonade and sunset.

I'd love to.

Great. All right, we'll see you then.

- OK. - Bye.

He'll be up in a few minutes.

Oh, good.

You need to stop.

You're in overdrive with this match-making thing.

I haven't done a thing!

Yes, you have.

You're always dropping hints and invitations.

I'm just sorry that

you don't trust your own powers of attraction.

Robert likes you very much and you like him. Admit it.

He's very nice, but I don't think...

No "buts" after "very nice."

Robert won't be pushing you out of any moving vehicles.

And we all know that's the primary criterion for my dream date.

- Michael... - What?

Robert could be the one.

Oh, come on...

Allow for the possibility.

He could be that millionth face you pass.

The special one.

I think that was you, Lily.

Thank you, Michael.

How about a little dance with me at sunset?

- Oh, I just can't. - Yes, you can.

Just a... yeah. Just a... Just a slow one.

Come on. I gotcha.

Careful...

And...