All language subtitles for Mad.About.You.S04E03.The.Test.DVDRip.XviD-SAiNTS

[Paul]
Do we have any cantaloupe?

[Jamie]
It's out of season.

Cantaloupe doesn't go
out of season.

It's a year-round fruit.

There's no such thing
as a year-round fruit.

Bananas are
a year-round fruit.

Then have a banana.

I don't want a banana.
I want a cantaloupe.

It's out of season.
Cantaloupe doesn't go
out of season.

[whimpers]

** [theme]

* Tell me why
I love you like I do *

* Tell me who
can stop my heart
as much as you *

* Let's take
each other's hand *

* As we jump into *

* The final frontier *

* Mad about you, baby *

* Yeah *

Come on, honey.
The bus is coming.

Oh, never mind.

If I made these,
would you eat them?

Would you make those?
If you'd eat them.

Yeah. Sure, whatever.

Oh, God,
it's two pages.

Forget it.
I'm not making them.

Ooh, I had my heart
set on them, too.

Here we go. Come on.

All right, very good.

I wonder if ES and BL
are still together.

I think so.
I think they are,

because they were on
the right track.

These are good people.
They took the bus.

They saved their money.
With the money they saved,

they bought a nice
little house upstate.

Tree-lined street.
Good school district.

Unfortunately,
the neighbor's kids
are hooligans,

and every Sunday,
they pelt the house
with eggs.

The police have to come,
but there's nothing
you can do, sadly,

because there's no proof.
There's no proof.

Got a pen?
For what?

"Bliss or blunder?
Perfect mate
or big mistake?"

Oh, no, no, no.
Come on, it's a quiz.

What kind of quiz?
Can you win a boat?

No.
Then what good
comes of this?

All right, fine.
I'll take it for both of us.

No, you can't.
You can't do that.
Why not?

Because then it's skewed.

In or out?
All right, go.

"Question one-- Do you believe
in love at first sight?"

Do you still have
the Sunday Times?

Last one right here.

Thanks.

Hey, what are you doing?

My parents' obituary
is in here.

Oh, gee, go ahead.
Both of them?

It was an earthquake.

Really?

Beams hit them.

Beams?

It was very fast.

The ground just
swallowed up their house.

What?

What, nothing?

Thanks.

"J. Stemple."

Stemple.

Can you believe that girl?

Hi.

What are you doing
with my dry cleaning?

Well, you dropped the slip
last night as you hijacked
my newspaper.

How did you find her?

I went to the dry cleaners.

And they told you
where I worked?

Well, I told them I was
your house boy, Coco.

He thinks I have
a sexy voice.

He's a nice guy,
and he's cute.
He is, isn't he?

And he gets that
little twinkle in his eye.
I know. He's so cute.

Tell me something
about her.

Jamie? Well, I could
tell you this.

I think she likes you.

No. You think?

Yeah, I think.

Yeah, because--
Well, you can sense
these things,

because when you know
somebody that long,

you can sort of
read the signs.

What signs?

Fran told me.

I thought about you too
last night.

And then, when you
found me here today,

it's like it was
too good to be true.

And though you seem to be
this nice guy...

I can see why you're troubled.

You realize
if this doesn't work out,

I'm going to have to
blow my brains out.

That's good. So long as
there's no pressure.

Yeah.

I just don't want to be
disappointed again.

I'll do my best.

Okay, come on.
Next question.

"On a scale from 1 to 10,
rate your sex life."

It only goes up to 10?

It doesn't bother you
that we haven't had sex
in five days?

Hello.

I just don't understand
why it doesn't bother you.

It's been almost a week.
It's not a week.

Sunday will be a week.
What's going on with us?

What's going on is that
we're married five months,

and the sexual part is over.

See, I thought
you understood that.
I'm sorry.

That's what happens now.

Well, I'm stumped.
It beats me.

We know how to do this.

What is it--
Let's just go back
to basics.

Arousal.
Arousal.

Yes.

Arouse me.

How you doing?
Nice to see you.

How are you?
Nice to see you.
Good.

Hmm.

What-- What is this?

I thought we could
have sex now.

Then we wouldn't
have to do it later.

Are you eating?

I'm nibbling your ear.

I like that.

And I'm going
down your body.

I love that.

And I am
kissing your knees.

What niece?
I don't have a niece.

Your knees.

Oh, my knees.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Come on, get with
the program here, babe.

All right. Okay.

I'm, um...
What?

I'm kissing your chest.

I'm enjoying that.

I'm enjoying watching that
from here.

Keep watching.

Well, you bet.

I'm kissing down your body.

My tongue
is just around your--
[phone beeps]

Hold on a second.
I have another call.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're right. Let's do it.

Just like that?
Bing, bang, boom?

At this point,
I'd settle for the boom.

You don't want
the bing and bang?

I did when we started.
And now?

I'm over it.

You're a very complex woman.

You don't want the boom?

Of course I want the boom.

Guys always want the boom.

We only made up
the whole bing and the bang

just to get the boom.

I thought you liked
the bing and the bang.

I love the bing and the bang.
I don't always need it.
Neither do I.

So then what are we arguing--

We're not.
All right.

"Would you say you get along
all of the time,

some of the time,
none of the time?"

All of the time.
Yeah, right.

Yeah, I can't.

Lisa, I got to go.
All right.

I will see you
when you get here.
Hurry up. Good-bye.

Okay, I get it.
You're mad. Okay.

How long are you going to go
without talking to me?
A week? A month?

Eventually,
you got to talk to me.

You got to come home and say,
"Honey, look how much money
we made on your investment."

You want to know the truth?

We would never have had
to gone out in the first place

if you didn't let our mothers
tag team you on our damn
call waiting.

So this whole thing
is my fault?

Yeah, you're the one
who wanted call waiting.

I didn't want call waiting.

I'm perfectly happy
with a busy signal.

That's because you don't have
that many friends.

I have plenty of friends,

but I'm not so worried
about getting back to them.

I'm not like you.
Oh, what if someone's
trying to get us?

What if they want
to get us?

Well, they got us, baby.
You happy now?

Hey, there's
my beautiful bride.

Yeah, bite me.

All I want you to do
is admit you were wrong.

Listen, I may have been
a few minutes too impulsive.

No, that's not it.

I was-- I--

Listen, it's not impossible
that my judgment was impaired

by the enthusiasm--

Can you just say
you were wrong?

I'm saying this is not
the most right I've ever been.

You are pathetic.

I hate that you're
being this way.

Well, good, because I hate
that you made plans
with your sister

on the first Saturday
I'm not working
in five weeks.

I didn't know
you weren't working,
for the 416th time.

I said to you Thursday--

You said you thought
you might not have to.

You never confirmed.

I never confirmed?

What, are you TWA?

Why don't you just say it?
Say what?

That I'm driving you nuts.

Why would I say that?
Because it's true, isn't it?

No, it's not.
You can't say it?

I'm driving you nuts.
You know what? Yes, you are.

You're driving me nuts.

Okay then.

No, it's not okay,

because you don't realize
what a nut--

You've become nuts.

You're just nuts.
You're nutty.

Everything is nutty.
You've become quite the nut,
my little friend.

And I'll be honest--
Yes, you asked me.
Yes, you're driving me crazy.

Well, why didn't you just
say something?

Because it's all right.

Who would you say
really runs your household?

Honey?

This is new.

How did Murray do
with the mouse today?

There is no mouse.

Oh, there's no mouse?
What's he been chasing
all week?

He thinks there's a mouse,
so he runs after nothing
90 miles an hour,

and slams into the wall
with this pathetic,
furry thud.

[thud]

Hey, this is really low.

How do you do this?

[thud]

[thud]

Murray, go get the mouse.

He doesn't want to.

Murray, look.
Go get the mouse.
He ain't interested.

Here it comes, here it comes.

Murray, here comes the mouse.

Here comes the mouse.

[thud]

Son of a bitch.

Aw.

Look at you.

Hey, isn't that our bus?

All right, very good.

Okay.
Let me see.

Wait.
What are you doing?

I just want to see
if we're winning.
You can't score till the end.

Just give me round numbers.
Are we happy?

We're very happy.

I know we're happy.
It's nice to have it
confirmed numerically.

Wouldn't that be horrible?
What?

What if we take
this whole test

and find out
we're miserable?

I'd leave you.

You'd leave me?
In a heartbeat, baby.

That's very sweet.

Sure, but if
the magazine says--

Remember I took
that nutrition quiz,

found that I have
no potassium.

Got that big jar
of Banana Power.

Did you ever take
that Banana Power?

Not once.

Why did you buy it?
Because the magazine said.

There it is.
Oh, no, that's not our bus.

All right, give me
another question.

"Does your spouse still find
the little things you do
endearing?"

[slurps]

[slurps]

[slurps]

[gargles]

** [Paul hums]

[snores]

Hey, what are you, nuts?

We talked about that.
Don't do that.

You're nuts.

You're a big, nutty nut.

Watch me.

Voilà.

[Woman on TV]
Oh, darling, we'll never
be apart, ever.

* Matty told Hatty *

* About the thing she'd done *

** [vocalizes]

* Wooly bully, wooly bully *

* Wooly bully *

* Wooly bully, wooly bully *

How long are we
going to be doing this?

"Do you enjoy spending time
with your spouse's family?"

I'm going to say yes anyway.

Look, you have a husband
and I have a husband.

We're women. We're a family.

And you can talk to me
about how you feel.

I want you to.

Paul, you know
who I ran into?
Gloria Black.

I just don't want
to sit with Betty.

Betty's not coming.
It doesn't matter.

You just can't
seat people willy-nilly.

This is not willy-nilly here.

You put Estelle Morris
with the depressives. Why?

Why do you think, Mom?

She's better.
She's not better.

Listen, I wouldn't
put Charlie near the bar.
You're asking for trouble.

Oh, let's change
Charlie with Anna.

Which one is Anna?

The big one.

The Fosters are coming.

Yes.
Where?

Right here.
[doorbell buzzes]

All right,
nobody's changing anything.

[doorbell buzzes]
[overlapping chatter]

The Gunderlatts
just bit me in the ass.

Pop, I was getting
worried about you.

You'll never guess
who I saw.
Who?

Regis Philbin.
Where?

Downstairs.
Come on, let's go down.

I'll introduce us.

Dad, the second act's
about to start.

We have time.

You know what? It probably
wasn't even him.

What? I don't know
Regis Philbin?

Yes, of course.

You are the foremost
Regis Philbin spotter
on the planet.

What are you
so upset about?

He's not upset.
I'm not upset.

There he is.

Don't point at him.
Where?

Fourth row.

All, right, Pop.
Dad, come on.

Hey, that's him.
All right.

Didn't I tell you?
Honey, that actually is him.

I'm very excited.
Okay, Dad, come on.

Dad--
Here, hey--

Hello, Regis!

Hey, James, how you doing?

Good. We're just running down--

One thing, all right?

It's totally up to you,

but I was talking
to this buddy of mine

who does these
comic book conventions.

And again,
totally up to you.

But if we wanted to make
a little extra money,

just taking your picture
with the people,

stuff like that--
No.

Totally up to you.
I know.

Easy money.
I know.

I think you should move.

So okay,
you'll think about it.

Your mother was in labor
for 26 hours?

I had a very big head.

Tell her I appreciated
the accommodations back then.

I am out now.

And get over the scampi.

Mrs. Buchman,
hold on one second.
I got another call.

Hello, Buchman residence?

Oh, hi, Mrs. Stemple.

Jamie, it's your mom.
No, forget it.

No, she sounds happy.

Of course she sounds happy.

Tell her to call back
when she's not.

Mrs. Stemple,
can you hold on a minute?

Mrs. Buchman,
can I tell you something?
Go ahead, darling.

Last Labor Day,
when Jamie's parents had
that big barbeque--

No, no, no.

...Jamie's mother
spent 20 minutes

telling me
how wonderful you were.

They had a barbeque
and didn't invite us?
What?

I'm sure she meant
to invite you.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Hold on a second.

Mrs. Stemple?

Uh-huh.

I'm going uptown.

Do you think that
she would like a lift?

That's all right.
You don't have to.

So you don't want me
to give you a lift?

No, I would love a lift.
Thank you, Mom.

Did you hear that?
She called me "Mom."

You don't have to do that.
Okay.

"Do you share your fantasies
with your spouse?"

Put down "Yes,
but I don't advise it."

Brinkley, David.
Brinkley, Christie.

You know, if you don't mind,

I'd love for you to rub
some of this oil on my back.

I just like this so much.

You know,
it's okay to do it hard.

I'm sorry,
am I being too gentle?

No, it's just perfect.

I just want you to know

that you can't do it
too hard, or too soft.

Everything you do
is just right.

That's what I think.
Thank you.

You're being like a child.

You play some video game
one time, and you have
to have it?

It's not a video game.
I keep telling you,
it's not a video game.

All right,
what is the difference?

It's so--
You can't even compare.

It's like on this,
you can do anything you want.

You can ski on the Alps.

You're riding a raft
through the Colorado River.

You're in the space shuttle.

You're flying over the Earth.

You can sing on Broadway.

You're on-stage,
you're singing.

And everything you do,
it's like--

It's like you're doing it.
You're right there.
You're doing it.

Could we do
these things together?

Of course. Yeah.

What did you do?

I gave Christie Brinkley
a massage.

She had an itch.

Listen, it's phenomenal.

You really--
You can't believe
what this is.

You-- It's like--

I'm like--
It's Christie Brinkley, right,

so I'm looking
at Christie Brinkley.

I'm talking
to Christie Brinkley.

Christie Brinkley
is talking to me.
We're talking.

Christie Brinkley and I were--
You could see her.

I could feel
Christie Brinkley.

It's so funny.

They had lotion
and this oil,

so she asked me to put her--
So I'm putting this lotion,

and I'm rubbing oil
right on her.

And I'm telling you,
you have never felt
skin like this.

You're a little, little man.

All right, so how did we do?

What, very happy?
Blissful? Ecstatic?

What are we looking at?

Carry the one.

Well?

Wait a second.

Wow.

Really?

** [theme music]

* Tell me why *

* I love you like I do *

* Tell me who *

* Can stop my heart
as much as you *

* Tell me all your secrets *

* And I'll tell you
most of mine *

* They say nobody's perfect *

* Well, that's really true
this time *

* I don't have the answers *

* I don't have a plan *

* All I have is you *

* So darling,
help me understand *

* What we do *

* You can whisper in my ear *

* Where we go *

* Who knows what happens
after here? *

* Let's take
each other's hand *

* As we jump into
the final frontier *

* I'm mad about you, baby *

* Final frontier *
* Yeah *

* Yeah *
* I'm mad about you *

* Final frontier *

What do they know?

Closed-Captioned By
J.R. Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA

** [theme]