Original subtitles

For you. Give me a call. One for you.

I don't look upon this like it's the end.

I look upon it as moving on. It's almost like my work here's done.

I can't imagine Jesus going,

"I've told people here in Bethlehem I'm the Son of God. Can I just stay here?"

No. You've gotta move on. You've got to spread the word.

You've got to go to Nazareth.

And that's very much like... me.

My world does not end here. Slough's a big place.

When I've finished with Slough, there's Reading, Aldershot, Bracknell.

You've got Didcot, Yateley.

Winnersh. Taplow.

Because I am my own boss, I can... Burfield.

I can wake up one morning and go, "I don't feel like working today. Can I stay in bed?"

"You'd better ask the boss." "David, can I stay in bed?" "Yes, David."

Both me. Not me in bed with another bloke called David.

Be a bit weird for you when I'm?

- Different, certainly. - Sadder.

I am telling this to everyone.

I do not want you going, "That's it. We're out of here. There's no point..."

- (PHONE RINGS) - Sorry. Can I get that?

Hello.

Oh, that's great. No. That's a load off my mind. Thanks for calling. Cheers. Bye.

- Sorry. - I want to... you know...

- Oliver? They took the lot, mate. - You lucky... You were bricking it.

I was, yes.

- All I'm saying is, I don't want you... - Sorry. Can I just phone Steve?

Yeah. You're busy.

Steve. It's Jamie. They took the lot, mate.

Yeah. No, it was a team effort.

Yeah. That's what I thought.

Here he is. The big man.

Ow!

Clumsy.

- Hello. - Hiya.

- How are you? - All right. How are you?

My mum and dad phoned me last night.

Basically, we have this beautiful cottage in the New Forest.

Once a year we have this family do, and Mum and Dad wanted to know if we'd like to come.

Oh, I can't. When is it?

- We'd have a week, two weeks' notice. - Yeah.

- It'd be on a weekend. - That's tricky. That's the problem.

Well, I kind of told them that we'd go.

You told them? I wished you'd asked me.

(PHONE RINGS)

- Hello. - Oggy oggy oggy!

Oi oi oi! All right, Oggy? Keeno here on speakerphone.

- On speakerphone? - Yup.

- Tits! Who heard that? - Everyone, you mental head. Shut up.

- You coming down for Gobbler's birthday? - Yeah. Jimmy the Perv coming?

- Yeah. - What about Fish Fingers?

He can't come because Susan caught him getting off with what's-her-face.

- That is mental. - Yeah.

- See you later, then. - Gonads!

Mentalist.

- Hear that? - Mm.

Oggmonster.

Here we are. The madhouse.

Hiya.

Hi.

- All right, Tim? - All right?

What, her? She's writing an article on me. "Inside Paper".

Ben's... Ben, are you wondering who that is? Well, I'll tell you all.

If you're wondering who this stranger is,

she's writing an article on me for "Inside Paper". Where have you been?

- Warehouse. - You missed this.

She's writing an article on me for "In..."

Subject matter.

Right.

What do you want to know?

- Do you mind if I talk to your staff later? - Why?

I thought I'd have a chat to some of them.

- I want to see what they say. - I won't put anything nasty in.

They won't say anything nasty.

OK. Would you like to tell me about your individual outlook on management?

Put..."Brent is refreshingly laid-back for a man with such responsibility."

Just answer in your own words and I'll work that out.

Um..."Brent mused and then replied..."

Just say what's on your mind and I'll get it down.

Are you getting it down? I'm going to be pretty...

- Just... - Well... OK.

Your question was "Is it difficult to remain authoritative and yet so popular?"

No, it wasn't.

- I'll answer that first... - Can we stick to my questions?

Well, maybe you should be clear what the question is.

OK.

- He said on the nog. - Offensive.

- What's so funny? - Nothing.

I was just um... I was just talking to Emma about...

What is that pub we went to on Friday?

- (PHONE RINGS) - Gareth Keenan, hello.

Hi, baby. It's Anne. Are you coming round tonight?

- Can't. Going up Chaser's with the lads. - Come round first.

- All right. - Have some fun.

- OK. - Are you going to bring the toys again?

Yeah.

OK.

Yeah. Look forward to doing it to you, too.

All right. Bye.

- The toys? - Shut up.

What are the toys? Is it Buckaroo?

- It's not Boggle, is it? - Shut up.

- If it's Ker-Plunk, I'm coming round. - It was a private phone call.

Don't put it on speakerphone, then.

Yeah. "The Jolly Farmer"...Is it Hungry Hippo?

Private life. Just to flesh out David Brent the man. Is there a better half?

"David quipped, 'Why buy a book when you can join a library?"'

- So you play the field? - Well... I don't use chicks and shit.

I'm just chilling out while I'm young.

- And is there a chick in tow? - I don't kiss and tell.

Are you in a relationship at the moment?

"Brent says, 'No comment'."

- So you don't have a girlfriend? - Well, what is a "girlfriend"?

- Someone you'd have sex with? - Don't get coarse in a public magazine.

You won't win a Pulitzer for filth.

I got this for my mate Gobbler. It's his birthday. We're all going up Chaser's.

(WOLF-WHISTLE) Oh, yeah! Come on, come on, baby!

- Come on, come on, baby! - Watch.

(JANGLY VERSION OF WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE PLAYS)

Oh... Oh... Oh!

Oh, no!

You know Gobbler, don't you? You seen this?

Come on, come on, baby!

- Come on, come on, baby! - Watch.

He'll love that. He comes in his pants.

Do it again.

I don't give myself a hard time about things.

I'm 30 years young now.

I'm not someone who has specific goals about doing this or that by my age.

"Why haven't I taken that chance?"

If you look at life like rolling a dice,

then my situation now may only be a three.

If I jack that in now, go for something better, I could easily roll a six.

No problem. I could roll a six. I could also roll a one.

So I think sometimes just leave the dice alone.

That's why my professionalism is only as important as...

- (KNOCKING) - Come in... my humanism.

Hi. I just wondered if you've got time for a chat.

I've always got time for staff, Dawn. "He's always got time for staff."

- Before you go... - "Even though a lot happening in his mind."

Shoot.

Before you leave, I wanted to hand in my notice.

Ooh, no. Thought this would happen.

- Who else is thinking of doing this? - No one.

Don't throw your career away because I'm leaving. I know it won't be the same.

That's not why I'm going.

- Reading between the lines. - You haven't read it.

Is it just a coincidence you're handing in your notice when I'm leaving?

- Yes, it is. - Is it?

- Can I ask why you're leaving? - I'm going away with my fiancé.

- Where to? - The States.

OK. Thanks. What are you going to write about this? OK. I thought we were...

Getting back to... "Strings to Brent's bow. A) Philanthropist."

- Hiya. Have you got a minute? - Yeah. Sure.

When David goes, we're probably going to do an external appointment.

We wondered if you'd do us a favour in the meantime and be caretaker manager.

- Blimey. God... - Just doing David's job...

Obviously there'd be acting-up pay.

That's really flattering. Thank you. Listen, I'm going to say no and...

- It's a bit more work for a lot more money. - I've got nothing to spend it on.

- It's only temporary. - I thought that about this job!

- OK. - So I'm...

Listen. I think you should give it to Gareth. Seriously, I do.

He takes things seriously. He's conscientious. He works hard.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

He knows this place inside out. I think he might be the man for it.

(WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE PLAYS)

- Thanks, Tim. - Thank you.

Oh, no... Oh, no!

It says that for women, the most important qualities in a man are...

eyes, smile,

flat stomach...

- Yup. - Buttocks...

Yup.

- You've got good buttocks, Gareth? - Yes.

- Can we see them? - No. Gay.

Let's put it out. Sheila, what do you look for in a bloke?

I like blacks.

Cool.

- Trudy, how about you? - I quite like shy men, actually.

- Yeah. I understand that. - Would that be yours?

- No. - What do you look for in a man?

- Rugged good looks. - You tell me it's a good sense of humour.

Yeah. You've got a good sense of humour.

Yeah, I know.

Rach, have you got a sec?

I just wanted to tell you...

I don't know how to say it.

This is so hard.

- Well done. She's crying. - I know. Just leave it.

- Up to me to clear up your mess. - Just stay out of it, mate.

You dumped her, so it's nothing to do with you any more. She needs cheering up.

Don't take Dirty Bertie. Don't... I beg you. Don't take Bertie.

- Overruled. - If you have to go, don't take Bertie.

- Hi... - Fuck off.

Potty mouth.

There you go. So... Stay in touch.

Cheers.

People can't believe I'm this happy to be leaving.

Not because there's anything wrong with it, but you know I did that thing at the centre?

Well, as I was giving that motivational speech,

I could literally see them all getting all motivated from it.

It's like being born again.

It showed me how much I had to offer other people.

These are the guys from Cooper & Webb, the management training consultants.

This is Ray. This is Jude. This is Helena.

She's writing quite a big article on me for "Inside Paper", the trade magazine.

I've mentioned our thing, so... You don't mind if she sits in?

- Not if you don't. - I'm coolio. OK.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello. Wernham-Hogg.

Yup. I'll put you through.

- I'll be in in a few days. - OK.

If you've got any problems, give me a call...

- OK. - See you later.

Bye, Dawn.

Probably wondering who they're going to offer David's job too. Me.

- You got it? - Yes.

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

You can start bucking your ideas up. Starting with your appearance.

It's going to be a well-oiled, tight ship around these here parts.

- What sort of management training is it? - We...

I'll answer. They use celebrity speakers... expert speakers.

And my personal tip is my rise to the top, which gives it a whole new edge.

So... OK.

So where are we? Shoot.

- We'd like to thank you for your time... - No sweat.

...but we won't be using you again. - You won't be?

- Why not? - It's not what we were looking for.

I'll do it how you... I did it like that because that was the vibe of the day.

How do you want me to do it?

We have a very specific idea of what we're looking for...

Oh, fucking hell!

- We would like to thank you... - Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yada, yada, yada.

- Go on, then. Timewasters. - We're sorry...

Oh, get out. Go on. Thank you.

Wasting my time.

- Me as well? - Yeah.

- Would you mind if I took a quick photo? - No.

- I'm waiting for the flash... - Yeah.

There's a green light.

OK.

- Right. - Can I take one more for safety?

- Waiting for the green light. - I know.

- Right. - Thank you.

- Hello. - Hi.

- All right? - Fine.

Am I fine? Um... I've just heard you were leaving.

- Blimey. - Say it isn't so.

- Word gets around fast. - It's true?

- Yeah. - Were you going to tell me?

- God, yeah. - You were?

- Yes. - OK.

Are you going to another job?

- No. Lee and I are going to go away. - On holiday?

No. We're going to Florida for about six months. Something like that.

- Six months? - Mm.

Lee's sister lives out there, so we could live with her.

He's not happy in his job. I'm not happy in mine.

- Is there a name for this? - I don't know. Starting again?

Right. Starting again.

We'll just get our heads together, I think, and... you know.

Cool.

Oh, God. Hello. The adventurer. She's just telling me about the American thing.

Yeah. Me sister's over there. Got a big house.

- We haven't seen it yet. - Seen pictures.

Her husband's raking it in as well. Yeah.

We thought we'd get a mobile home, drive up the coast till the cash runs out.

Then come home or get a place out there.

- Accommodation's well cheap. - Is it?

If Dawn gets a job on reception, she'll be twice as well off.

That'd be nice, wouldn't it? Good luck. I'd better get back to it.

Cheers, mate.

- Hi, love. How you doing? - Good.

You looking for swimming costumes? Bikinis?

A real relationship isn't like a fairytale.

If you think every time you see each other you're going to glow

or every time you hold hands there'll be electricity, you're kidding yourself.

What about reliability, paying the mortgage or someone who's never been out of work?

Those are the more important practical things... in reality.

As I said before, when I asked Dawn out, I didn't ask her out, I asked her as a friend.

She was having trouble with Lee at the time and it wasn't like a...

Under different circumstances, something might have happened.

She's going away now. You can't change circumstances.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Dawn, can I have a word in here?

Ta.

(MICROPHONE RUSTLES AND GOES OFF)

- (MICROPHONE ON) - She said no, by the way.

- You all right, David? - Fine. You?

- Yup. - Good. Small talk done.

Thanks very much. Everyone really appreciates what you've done.

Yeah?

OK. Down to business. That's what we've come up with as a redundancy offer.

- Yup. More than I expected. - We've been quite generous.

Bada-bing.

You can leave on the third with your holiday, I understand, which is a Tuesday.

Did you want to come back for a party on the Friday or leave on the Friday before?

Whatever.

OK. Well, again, thanks very much, David.

Don't make me redundant.

- Please. - Look, David...

I don't want redundancy. I haven't signed anything. So...

David, unfortunately, it's not up to you.

All right, then. Well, I'm asking. OK? Please don't make me redundant.

You can talk to someone, Jenny.

- The wheels are already in motion. - Stop them.

- We're not going to discuss this now. - Say it's not definite before you go.

I will try twice as hard. I know I've been complacent.

I'll turn this place around if you say it's not definite now and then we can...

You're not going until... Starting from now.

(DAVID) Life is a series of peaks and troughs...

and you don't know whether you're in a trough until you're climbing out

or on a peak until you're coming down.

You never know what's round the corner.

But it's all good.

If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.

Do you know which "philosopher" said that? Dolly Parton.

And people say she's just a pair of tits.

# So what becomes of you, my love,

# When they have finally stripped you of

# The handbags and the gladrags

# That your granddad had to sweat so you could buy... #

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello. Wernham-Hogg.