Original subtitles

All right? Just another normal day at the office.

Just a normal day, innit?

What? What are you laughing at?

He's mad. Obviously, Red Nose Day.

It's always a good laugh. Keith? This is the sort of thing...

Ali G? Ali Keith!

Gareth, come here. Normal day, normal office. What are you doing?

I'm going to hop everywhere. I'm sponsored.

That's the sort of thing we'll be doing today.

We raised quite a lot last time, didn't we?

It is Comic Relief and we're raising money for people who are starving to death.

If I make people laugh while I'm saving lives, sue me, but...

Do it.

Boyakasha.

That's an accountant and that's the boss encouraging it! Is this normal?

I've got the "Slough Gazette" coming down.

- What time are they coming? - Five-ish.

- They'll love us. - It's just me.

- We can all be in it. - Not really.

- They'll love us. - Stop trying to worm into my photo.

Everyone's joining in. This young lady... Ooh, a bit saucy.

Selling kisses for the lads... or any ladies who like that...

I don't think there are any here, and if there are, good luck to them.

- It's different for girls. Lower risk. - Erotic.

Well, not in this case. I mean, it's not a sexual day. It's er...

- Here's the man. Finchy! - Brentmeister!

Kisses for a quid. It's a good cause. Do you mind kissing me on the nose?

- No. Put your quid in. - OK. Kiss me on the nose!

What do I get for a tenner? Squeal, piggy, squeal!

(GRUNTING AND SQUEALING)

- No. I'm not that desperate. - Who says famine has to be depressing?

(TIM) Don't get me wrong. I've got nothing against it, it's a good cause,

but I don't want to join in with someone else's idea of wackiness.

If you see someone collecting for Cancer Research because they've been affected by it

or an old bloke selling poppies, there's a dignity about it - a quiet dignity.

No. Come on, guys, leave it.

Leave it. Please!

And that's what today's all about - dignity.

No! No!

Always dignity.

Bastard! My wife and kids are gonna see those!

There's people watching going, "Oi, Brent! Why are you bothering with Comic Relief?

"There's still people starving." That's why I'm still doing it. You should too.

Probably put a number up there, shall we? If people want to make donations.

I hear people go, "The money just goes to hungry foreigners." Not true.

A lot of it stays in this country and goes to home-grown problems...

AKA the disableds. A lot of money goes to these fellas.

Not to you. You don't need it, you're working.

If you do claim for it, that's up to you, as long as you don't abuse the system.

- A lot of them are. - What do you mean?

People abuse the system.

- Ensure people who say they're crippled... - Disabled.

...actually are... - Disabled.

You think people pretend to be disabled to claim money off the DSS?

- I think there should be tests. - (TIM) What tests?

Stick pins in their legs, see if they react.

I have feeling in my legs. I just can't walk.

- I'm just saying there should be tests. - We're all ears.

I dunno. When they go down the DSS to make a claim,

they should set off a fake fire alarm so everyone legs it, leaving them there.

If they're fake, they'll be running with you. If not, they'll be screaming for help.

Then you come back in and say, "Don't cry. You've passed. Here's your money."

Spend it on one of those little blue cars or whatever...

It's just one idea.

So...

She's joining in with it. Do you want to put this nose on?

- No, I don't. - It's up to you. Her own decisions.

Gareth, you know I'm doing kisses for a pound too.

- I wouldn't pay you if you were. - I'll put your pound in.

- So you can kiss me. - I wouldn't kiss you if you paid me.

I am paying. It's quite simple. As it's for charity, I need to just get...

- Why are you such a bender? - I'm just...

Get off! I'm not kissing you. You are such a pervert!

- It feels good, though. - Get off! I hope you're getting all this.

I hope your girlfriend knows or she'll get a big surprise.

Is that your big surprise? I've found his big surprise. All right. OK.

- Flipping heck. - You take things too far.

All right. Don't get so het up about it.

Ha ha! Hoo! Hah!

That was one way. I didn't kiss him back.

He's funny. He's a funny bastard.

(EXCITED SHOUTING)

- Pass it back. - You got it?

Yep. You got it.

Gather round, everybody. We've got a surprise for you.

- Remember where we were in that game. - Sheila? Nice costume. You look fantastic.

Please give a big warm welcome to the fantastic Neil Godwin and the lovely Rachel.

OK. It's that time again.

We've both suffered for our art here, please suffer with us and give generously.

Thanks. Jennifer, could you do the honours?

(MUSIC: "MORE THAN A WOMAN" BY THE BEE GEES)

# Oh, girl, I've known you very well I've seen you growing every day

# I've never really looked before but now you take my breath away

# Suddenly you're in my life a part of everything I do

# You got me working day and night just trying to keep a hold on you

# Here in your arms I found my paradise

# My only chance for happiness

# And if I lose you now I think I would die

# Oh, say you'll always be my baby we can make it shine

# We can take forever just a minute at a time

# More than a woman

# Baby More than a woman to me... #

(MUSIC: "YOU SHOULD BE DANCING" BY THE BEE GEES)

# My baby moves at midnight

# Goes right on till the dawn

# My woman takes me higher

# My woman keeps me warm

That looks gay.

# What you doin' on your back? Aah

# What you doin' on your back? Aah

# You should be dancing, yeah

# Dancing, yeah... #

Thank you very much. You can add that to yours.

Cheers. I've already raised more than that. £300 we did last time.

If you wanted dancing, you should have come to me.

- Do you dance? - Big time. Yeah.

More modern steps than that. I've fused "Flashdance" with MC Hammer shit.

- All right. Show us your moves. - No, there's no beat.

- Come on! - He had music.

Well... Just for charity, I'll do a little bit.

# Do do do-do do dah... #

(ALL CONTINUE)

(ONLY DAVID CONTINUES TO HUM)

- So... That's... - Great, David.

- Give me a bit of warning... - We have to give a donation for that?

All the money collected is for both dances - both excellent dances in their way.

Mine was impromptu, but I don't think you should get extra points for that.

Make your own minds up. Leave me out of it. It's for charity.

You've seen me entertain and raise money. Maybe I'd like to do that for a living.

Use my humour and my profile to both help and amuse people.

And if it's ideas for TV shows - game shows or whatever - I'm your man.

I'm exploring that avenue with my management training,

but I'd like to do that on a global scale.

It's not, "Look at me. I'm entertaining whilst saving lives. Aren't I brilliant?"

It's going, "If you think I'm brilliant,

"help save these guys who are starving, but are also brilliant."

Not as entertainers. A lot of them can't speak English.

Don't give them a game show, but save them from dying at least.

Then maybe they can do something in their own country

on television or whatever they have... the wireless.

Give them a job on the World Service or something.

We're from the local mental hospital. Is Gareth Keenan here? He's escaped.

- He is mental. - Here's my crew.

Kisses for a quid. Yes.

My mad mates. That's all we need.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

- Sorry about this. My mad mates. - Er... Well...

- They finally came to take you away! - Are you mad as well?

- Guilty! - He's the boss.

- Give us a job. - I've already got one reprobate.

Jimmy the Perv and the Oggmonster.

What's the weather like up there? Your parents put you in a gro-bag?

- "Let's grow a lanky, goggle-eyed freak!" - No need to get offensive.

- I didn't call you Fatty. - All right...

Don't have a go at the eyes, because that's astigmatism I've had from the age of five.

That's what makes them a bit bulbous.

- I didn't call you whale man. - But I don't call myself the mong boy.

- The Oggmonster. - I'm not calling you that.

- That's my name. - What's your real name?

- Nathan. - It's a good name. I'll call you Nathan.

I didn't call you Fatty!

(DAVID) What's the matter with him?

I've got a sponsorship form for Comic Relief. I wanted to enter into the spirit.

Gents, sorry to interrupt. Would you sponsor me?

I have to hide as many of Gareth's possessions as I can from him.

- What? - Hiding Gareth's belongings.

- I'll give you £2 for the lot. - That's a generous offer.

They're waiting for me.

Break it up. Put her down!

No, they wouldn't. She wouldn't. Her husband's loaded.

He does OK.

Oh, dear.

- What a day! He's still... - David, do you have that report?

- Glad you brought that up. - That's why I'm here.

Yes. Um... Formulating a lot of good ideas...

I don't want to talk about a report we're going to do soon.

I want the report we talked about four days ago that was due today.

You know how important this report is.

I discover that this is the fruit of your labours.

- Don't go through my stuff. - Read the first sentence for Jennifer.

"Imagine a cross between 'Telly Addicts' and 'Noel's House Party'.

"You've just imagined 'Upstairs Downstairs', devised and hosted by David Brent."

David, I don't understand this.

- Contestants run upstairs and get a clue... - Not the game show!

I don't understand why you haven't done the report,

or your consistent failure to do what is asked of you.

You're viewing my methods like there's something missing.

You're looking at the jigsaw that it is through a keyhole when you should be...

- Some words would be useful. - Actions speak louder than words.

You're on a warning. That's my action.

Three strikes and you're out and things have got to change.

Fine. Give me all three now, then, because I'd love to see you run this place.

You'd have a mutiny on your hands, but if that's what you want...

That's not what I want. I want you doing your job.

- Take the verbal warning... - Still the warning?

...learn from it and let's move onwards and upwards. OK?

Neil makes me laugh, though. It's his interfering. It's his timing.

Going on about some report. It's Red Nose Day.

What's more important? You, Neil, with your report or starving children?

Oh, I don't know. What would Lenny Henry say?

Imagine him going out on Comic Relief day

and Dawn French is going, "You haven't done the washing up."

"Do it yourself! I've got to save some Africans!"

- What are you reading? - A holiday brochure.

Why is that, then? Going on holiday?

- Possibly. - Where to?

The States.

- United States? - Yeah.

Don't know if you've heard the gossip, but Tim's going out with Rachel.

- Er... yeah. I'd heard. - He used to fancy you, didn't he?

- Did he? - Yeah, he did.

And now he's found someone better.

Yup.

- Seen my phone? - Huh?

Where's my phone?

- Have you got? - No.

Where have you put my phone?

- I don't believe it! - Gareth...

- I've told you not to touch my stuff. - Listen...

- It's for charity. - What else have you taken? My tiny tanks!

- How am I supposed to work? - You'll have to hop to it.

- A lot of crime in America. - Right. Well, I'll be careful.

Word of advice. Keep your traveller's cheques in a bum-bag.

Thanks. I'll buy one.

- When you get there? - Yup.

Word of warning, then. Out there they call them fanny packs.

'Cause fanny means your arse over there...

...not your minge.

Where's? God, you're so immature!

- I demand that... - Gareth's stopped hopping.

- How can I do any work? - It's for charity.

- It's for you winding me up. - He's stopped hopping.

I don't have to hop all day. It's just when I'm moving.

- Where does it say that? - See?

That's mine, for a start. Where's the rest of it?

Gareth. OK, Gareth. Just calm down. Have a seat. You've been on your foot all day.

God! How do you hide a chair?

- Dawny. Take that? - Yeah.

You all right? All right?

There you go. Prawn and avocado. See you later.

- You're not going to eat here? - I've gotta get back.

I made £19 today.

Any of it going to English kids or all going abroad?

Well... Stop moaning and give her a quid for a kiss.

- I'm not paying for it, mate. - Them's the rules.

- All right. - Thank you.

There you go. Come here, you.

Good. That's great.

- See ya. - See ya.

Right. Oh... My contribution.

Thank you. Where do you want your kiss? Your kiss?

- It's all right. - You've got to have a kiss.

It's the rules.

- What you doing? - Just working.

I'm very, very, very bored.

Excuse me. Desk procedures. Chairs are for sitting on.

He's jealous he's not getting the view you're getting.

Wrong. I got the arse this side.

I'd only want to be there if you had on a skirt and I could look up there at it.

- Aren't you going to defend my honour? - No.

- You'd better get off the table. - He's embarrassed by his girlfriend!

I'm not.

- Are you all right? - Yeah.

We're cool.

- Today or tomorrow? - Tomorrow lunchtime.

- Excuse me, David. - Yes.

- Can we have another quick word? - Not now. I'm running downstairs.

"The Gazette" are coming in to take my picture.

I'm going to be in the paper. Wernham-Hogg are. Free advertising.

- This shouldn't take long. - OK.

Sorry to spring this on you. We've been discussing something you said earlier -

it's something we've been thinking about too.

We'd like to offer you a very generous redundancy package.

Are you offering it or telling me I've got to take it?

- We're telling you to take it. - We'll put in a proper meeting tomorrow.

That's good timing, isn't it? Telling me that today. The day of laughter.

Brilliant.

That's that ruined. That's what I was...

It's got pockets and everything.

Now I'll try and go down and be funny.

That's going to be good, isn't it?

With that going through.

I knew you were planning something.

Jennifer, do you agree? Because we can...

I'll be all right. I've got other irons in the fire.

It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I'm going to love to see you telling that lot, because you'll have a mutiny.

They will go berserk. Definitely.

If that's it, can you leave now, please?

I've got stuff to do. I've got laughter... I've got money to raise. Mouths to feed.

- Thanks for your time. - Yeah.

If you're wondering what that meeting was just about in there...

That's it. I've been made redundant.

Yeah.

After it was me who saved others from redundancy. And then it's back...

The good die young.

But um... Yes... I said you lot are going mental.

Now I've got to go and give laughter.

But...

See ya.

Eh?

See ya.

OK. Can you just make it peck?

Just run around a bit.

Yeah.

Good.

Good.

OK.

- Smile. It's for Comic Relief. - Can I stand here?

Peck at your mates like Roy Hudd.

- Rod Hull. - Yeah. Just do that.

Good.

Yeah.

- OK. That's fine. - All right?

It's a bit dark. I didn't bring a flash. Probably won't be able to use these.

- Don't be disappointed. - No.

- Thank you. - Cheers.

- Well done, David. - No worries.

- Did I miss it? - Yes.

# So what becomes of you, my love,

# When they have finally stripped you of

# The handbags and the gladrags

# That your granddad had to sweat so you could buy... #

Boyakasha.