Original subtitles

(INAUDIBLE)

Sorry.

No problem. No problem. Um... half an hour?

Another day, another dollar.

Any mail?

- That's your... That's an earring. - Whatever. Get over it.

- How long have you had that? - Too long, baby.

- It's bleeding. - Really stings.

- Is it an old one that? - Yeah. I had to push really hard.

- They heal over. - It had healed over. So I opened a sore...

- What are you looking at? - Nothing.

You know Ray and Jude that I had the meeting with?

You know they do training seminars and use expert speakers.

- They're using me... for my... - Expertise.

The good news for you is you're involved.

- How? - I'm doing one tonight.

I'm getting quite a bit of money for it. £300.

So I need someone just to carry my bag and organise...

- I'm not... - £100 for an hour's work.

- £100 for an hour? That is a lot. - 80.

- You said 100. - 90.

- You said 100. - All right. Get there early, then.

Sharing the wealth, see? Looking after...

That is silly money. I should have...

Very exciting. It's what I've always wanted to do.

I've had these cards made up.

"David Brent. Assertiveness and guidance training in business.

"If it's in you, I'll find it." That's actually what I do.

I just point out what you've already got. I'm like a spiritual guide.

The reason I put "lf" it's in you is if I waste time and money looking for it

and I can see it's not in you, I don't want to be sued because you haven't got it.

You're not going to get me on that.

- What's going on here? - What does it look like?

- When were you going to tell me? - Huh?

I can't believe you'd get off with a bird I fancy.

Why not?

I can't believe a bird fancies you over me. He's a weird little bloke.

Look at his hair. He looks like a Fisher Price man. His rubbish clothes.

There must be something wrong with you, but I'd still do you, so I'm confused.

I'll ask you straight. Can anything happen between us two while this is going on?

- Like what? - Specifically?

Yeah.

Hand job? Don't answer. Think about it.

- Do I look like a Fisher Price man? - Yeah!

Don't say yeah.

- Hi, Dawn. - Hi.

- Your favourite computer geek is here. - Jesus!

All right, Simon? How's it going?

What are you doing with my computer?

It's not your computer, is it? It's Wernham-Hogg's.

What are you doing with Wernham-Hogg's computer?

- You don't need to know. - No, but tell me anyway.

- I'm installing a firewall. - What's that?

Protects your computer against viruses, worms and Trojan horses

and limits your Internet communications.

- How long will it take? - Why?

- Out of interest. - It will take as long as it takes.

- How long did it take last time? - It's done.

When it comes back on it'll ask you to hit yes, no or cancel.

- Hit cancel. Do not hit yes or no. - Right.

- Did you hear what I said? - Yup.

- What did I say? - Hit cancel.

Um... I'm an educator.

I'm a motivator of people. I excite their imaginations.

It's like bloody "Dead Poet's Society" when they all stand on the tables...

I wouldn't want them on the tables - it's against Health and Safety.

Life is about communication. We live for threescore year and ten

and it's "Did I communicate?" "Yes." "Did I get something across?" "Yes."

"Are you going to pay me for it?" "Yes. Lots." Not why I do it, but thank you.

- Going karting this weekend with the lads. - What, down Super Karts?

- Mm. - You any good?

Came first last time. Got a certificate.

I went down there when it opened. I did a couple of laps, pulled over.

The owner said, "No professionals." I said, "I'm not a professional."

He said, "You're not a professional? You should be.

"Take up Formula One. You'll be the best in the country."

I said, "I'm not interested. I'm making shitloads in computers."

You ever tried speedway?

- Have you? - Yeah.

I was doing it once, bombing it round and some idiot had left a ramp thing out.

People were going, "If that guy hits that ramp at that speed, he's definitely dead."

I hit the ramp, turned over in the air. They were going, "He's definitely dead."

Landed on my wheels and pulled over.

- About five? - Five.

- Who's this chat with? - Mothers' meeting?

- Dawn says she's shutting down at five. - Just half an hour early today.

- Can it run OK without her? - Yeah. They can answer their own phones.

- So we can lose her altogether, can we? - What do you mean?

- Either she's needed or she's not. - We do need a receptionist.

You haven't put a system in place.

You've told Dawn to shut at five. You haven't told people to get the phone.

- Does Dawn know about the post? - They can do their own post.

It's no use telling her now. There's no system.

- I'm tired of this fuzzy thinking. - Chill out. Don't have a cow, mate.

Don't talk to me like you've forgotten who's in charge. I'm your boss.

- Yeah. - Try and think things through.

That was your fault. I took the rap for you.

Once, when Bruce Lee was filming, one of the extras started a fight.

He was amazing at Kung Fu but Lee did a roundhouse on him...

No. He smashed him through a wall. Instead of firing him, he said, "Go on with the filming."

Those cats were fast as lightning.

You know he fights Chuck Norris in "Enter The Dragon"?

- No. - You've not seen that?

- No. - Have you not? That is a classic.

I've seen him fight Chuck Norris in "Way Of The Dragon."

That's what I meant.

You said you saw him fight Norris in "Enter The Dragon".

He fights Bob Wall in both, but Norris is only in "Way Of The Dragon."

- So he's fighting Norris... - In what?

- "Way Of The Dragon." - Correct.

- Um... - You know Bruce Lee's not really dead?

It's in a book. He faked his own death to work undercover for the Hong Kong police

- infiltrating the Triads. - I reckon it's true.

Yeah, because if you wanted to send someone undercover,

you'd want the world's most famous Chinese film star!

Gone off Dawn now, have you?

- What? - What? What are you talking about?

Just shut up. Shut up.

Do a credit check. We haven't worked with them for ages.

- I said we'd go round about four. - Yeah.

- Oi, Tim. - Mm?

- You shagged her yet? - What?

- Your bird? - Rachel?

- Have you done her yet? - Course he hasn't.

I don't kiss and tell, Lee.

(LEE) I bet you bloody have.

Lips are sealed. Don't ask me.

He's done well there.

- What do you mean? - She's tasty. She's nice.

- You don't know her. - She's very attractive.

She's not very attractive.

Ray will introduce me and I'll come out and do a few gags,

then I'll go, "You have to be thick-skinned in business.

"Whether you're the tea-boy or the manager, people will try to shake your spirit.

"Do not listen. Let's do an exercise."

Then I'll pick on someone at random. "Sir. What's your name?"

- Say your name. - Leroy.

- Who's Leroy? - The coloured fellow off "Fame".

- Use your own name. - Gareth.

"Hi, Gareth. Insult me. Let me show you that sticks and stones may break my bones

"but names will never hurt me."

Throw some insults at me and I'll roll with the punches.

The Swindon lot don't respect you.

They don't know me. And it's not true. Do something else.

- People are laughing at your heels. - I'm not going to wear those shoes!

- And the earring? - They're having a go at that? What else?

- They've given you a nickname. - The Swindon lot?

- Everyone's using it. - What is it?

- I don't really... - What is it?

- Bluto. - The villain from Popeye?

- 'Cause of the beard? - Because he's...

- What's that? I can't believe this. - They'll know it was me! David!

Hello. Sorry, everybody.

Look, we are one big happy family here.

I've been trying to welcome you new guys.

I didn't want you here, but you're here now, so well done. Welcome.

But if there's one thing I don't like, it's nicknames.

Because nicknames are bad... names.

Yeah? They're not helpful.

They can be hurtful. Not to me - it's like water off a duck's back, but...

- You used to call Malcolm "Kojak". - That was affectionate.

- He was a great detective. - Maybe "Mr Toad" is affectionate.

- Who's Mr Toad? - Some people call you that.

- I thought I was Bluto? - Yeah. Bluto and Mr Toad.

Why am I Mr Toad?

There's the face again. It's an insult, isn't it? Very...

Body fascism that is. The toad is the ugliest of all the amphibians.

If we're handing out insults for being fat, let's have a go at him.

Look at him. And he's got glasses. Let's call him Four-Eyes as well.

Why don't we call him Fatty Fatty Toad Boy? At least start on him and then move on...

Mr Toad! I can't...

- Everything adding up? - Yeah. It was a real mess beforehand.

- On top of it now? - Yes.

- How about you, Brenda? - OK, but I didn't get my wages.

- Did you not? Did you tell David? - Yes. I told him in time.

I'm sorry about that. Let me sort that out for you.

- I don't want to cause... - Don't worry.

- Working hard? - Working out.

- Fit body. Fit mind. - Good. Couple of things.

- Did your wages go through OK this month? - Yeah.

- Yours, Gareth? - Yup.

Good. So you two are OK. Why, then, has one of your team not been paid this month?

Oh. Eh?

No.

He fears my methods because he doesn't understand them. Human nature, but relax.

I don't want all this, "What are you doing? How are you doing it?"

No. Judge me by my results.

This is not the first time you've forgotten something important.

- People shouldn't have to come to me. - Snitches.

I've never seen you write anything down. Do you use your computers?

- You've got to have a system. - It's all up there.

- It's not all up there, is it? - Most of it is.

When I was managing the Swindon branch,

we thought your branch were having a laugh.

- Thanks very much. - Not in a good way.

Mucking around at the expense of Wernham-Hogg.

Who's to say if they weren't having a laugh, it would be...

I'm not interested in that. I think you'd rather be popular than steer the ship.

Rubbish. This branch has performed very well.

I want it to perform a lot better.

What is "better?" On a graph of people versus task, where does the line go?

Where I say. If you can't improve your sales - with or without making people laugh -

you and I will have to have a serious chat.

Is this why you're always around? I don't need a babysitter.

With respect, David, you do.

I'm worried this management thing tonight is affecting your performance.

It's extracurricular, like golf.

- I play golf. - There.

Yes, but I'm performing as I want me to perform. You're not.

I'm performing as I want to. It's a good performance. Let's agree to disagree.

No. Let's agree that you agree with me.

Ooh. You're hard. Showing off because...

I think I've made my point, David. I'll see you later.

- What are you doing? - You're tense.

I am with him...

- Does that feel nice? - Yeah, but...

- Do some more work on your abs? - Not now.

- Is he ready yet? - Who?

- David. - I dunno.

- What are you doing tonight? - We're going to the pub.

- "We" is? - Me and Rachel.

- Excellent. Just a couple of pints. - We won't go mad.

Think of me, stuck with... You should come for a laugh.

- We'd better stay out of it. - Definitely. Wise.

- All right, babes. - See you later.

See you later. We're off on our date.

It's not a date. I'm paying her. What sort of date is that?

And £100. What would I get for that?

Not that I would. Everything, I imagine.

I'm not imagining any of it, but I do know... I'm just...

Carry that. That's what you're being paid for.

Tonight you've got two groups. They're both from Reading.

The other three guys have all done it before, so...

- I'll introduce you when they get here. - I love being backstage.

Can I take a photo? It's for the website and the newsletter, if that's OK?

- No problem. You taking a light reading? - I think it'll be OK.

- If you just... - Yeah.

Just be yourself. A bit more relaxed.

Something like that?

- Not quite. - OK.

- Maybe if you just sit down. - You're the boss.

I'm looking forward to this. I think it'll be quite a good one.

- Hello, mate. - Are you guys talking at this gig as well?

Yeah. We're just having a sneaky joint.

Well, partially decriminalised now anyway, isn't it? At last.

- Go for it. - OK.

- Is it skunk? - Just weed. You want a taste?

- You sure? - Yeah. I'm on a diet.

When I get wasted, I go to munchie-city, so...

I'm mad enough without the gear as well. I'll take a rain check. Catch you later.

- Yeah. - Chill.

We've got four speakers for you tonight, so no messing about.

To begin with, from Sound Investments, Mr Mark Found.

Let me dispel a myth.

If you're a success, some people will tell you you shouldn't be able to sleep at night.

You should. Why? Because this is a business.

Your future hasn't happened yet. You shape it. You're in the driving seat.

Thanks.

Thanks to Richard Clark from Stockport Graphics.

Now advice on motivational techniques. From Wernham-Hogg, Mr David Brent.

Get out.

Go on. I've opened the door for you.

If you're not going to make it, go now. Yeah?

Save us all a bit of time. If you don't think you can cut it.

No? Good.

- You finished in there? - No.

OK.

You're all thinking, "You're a success.

"You've achieved your goals. You're reaping the rewards."

"Oi, Brent! Is all you care about chasing the Yankee dollar?"

Let me show you something I keep with me.

"Collective Meditations." It's a collection of philosophers, writers, thinkers.

Native American wisdom.

And it's really showing you

that the spiritual side needs as much attention as the physical side.

It's about feeding the soul. Evolving spirituality.

Foreword by Duncan Goodhew. So...

Can I read one that I think?

"If all men were to bring their miseries together in one place,

"most would be glad to take each his own home again

"rather than take a portion out of the common stock."

It's saying the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

Don't see your neighbour and think, "He's got a better car. A more attractive wife."

We all wake up and go, "Oh, I ache. I'm not 18 anymore."

I'm 39... I'm in my 30s. But so what? At least I've got my health.

If you've got one leg, at least you haven't got two legs missing.

If you have lost both legs and both arms, just go, "At least I'm not dead!"

I'd rather be dead in that situation, to be honest.

I'm not saying people like that should be put down.

I'm saying that in my life, I'd rather not live without arms and legs because...

I'm just getting into yoga, for one thing.

Are you familiar with the term, "laughter is the best medicine"?

It's true.

When you laugh, your brain releases endorphins, your stress hormones reduce

and the oxygen supply to your blood is increased.

I try to laugh several times a day because it makes you feel good.

Let's try that. Who-hoo-hoo.

Just...

Trust me, you'll feel...

Yeah?

(DAWN) I'd be lying if I said my life had turned out exactly as I'd expected.

My old school recently had a school reunion, which I didn't go to,

but one girl in my class, it turns out,

is running her own Internet auction website, making a fortune

and is married to a marine biologist.

She used to eat chalk.

That's about it from yours truly. Thanks for taking all I had to throw at you. I'm spent.

I am now going to make like a banana and split!

He got it. OK.

Before I go, though, promise me you'll remember one thing.

Just remember...

(TINA TURNER) # You're the best!

# You're better than all the rest

# Better than anyone

Listen to her.

# Anyone I've ever met

Come on. Get into it.

# I'm stuck on your heart

I've been David Brent. You've been the best. Goodnight.

# Tear us apart

# Baby, I would rather be dead... #

- (MUSIC OFF) - Er... Our thanks to David...

- Who stopped it? - I did.

No. Leave it going right to the end till I get...

- Don't do that again next time. - Sorry.

David Brent from Wernham-Hogg.

(SPARSE APPLAUSE)

I'll let you into a little secret - I was worried whether I still had it.

I'll let you judge. High five.

Thank you, Dawn.

Oh, jeez! Here he is.

- Tina too much for you? - Possibly.

Hold me back, because when I'm out there I am...

And it's like... So that's up to you, I'm afraid.

They seemed to go for it.

- Knock knock. - You all right?

- Yeah. Well done. - What did you think?

- My tastes are traditional... - Too rock and roll?

- Possibly. - Each his own.

That was me on a seven. Wait till you see me on a nine or ten!

- Here's your cheque. - Thanking you.

More importantly, what pub we going to?

More important than £300? I don't think so! Where we going?

- We'll just grab some food and go home. - Pizza?

Yeah? Never mind Pizza Express, what about beer express?

"Next stop, drunkenness!"

We can go anywhere you want. Chinese? Indian?

As long as it's... It's on me!

The Three Musketeers!

(JUDE) Oh, I can't. (RAY) What?

(JUDE) There's something I've got to do.

(DAVID) Just us two, then. What clubs are round here?

- I'm not going to a club. - You bloody are!

# So what becomes of you, my love

# When they have finally stripped you of

# The handbags and the gladrags

# That your granddad had to sweat so you could buy #