Original subtitles

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Okay.

I heard that when it's really cold,

your wiener will shrink into your belly.

Right now my testes have shrunk into my throat.

People call me BS.

I'm a film producer,

but I'm not BS-ing with you on this one.

What are you doing?

Whatever you do next has got nothing to do with me.

We haven't even signed a contract yet.

Do you think that Boss Long will let this go?

But I really didn't do anything.

Darn it! If you dare leave now, I'll take care of you first.

Stop all this talk, come on.

Ready? Do it together on the count of three.

One.

Two.

Three.

Jerks.

To explain why we're chopping up a corpse,

I need to introduce this guy.

His name is Wen Xi.

He's a movie nerd.

We've been stuck together since I can remember.

My family owned a video shop,

and he used to come and watch free videos.

Ever since he saw that zombie movie by Lam Ching-ying,

he's been convinced he will live through a zombie pandemic one day.

He turned this idea into a script.

In short,

zombies have taken over Taiwan,

and this innocent girl is bitten by one.

Meanwhile, teacher-cum-gangster loves her to death.

If we can get this onto the big screen, we'll definitely win an Oscar.

To make a movie, we live like dogs.

We eat instant noodles and live on loans.

But in the middle of the shoot,

our leading actor got caught holding a sex party.

We were so deep in debt.

I had to get us debt collector jobs to pay it off.

Lord, open up the sky and descend your glory.

After Brother Ho retired from gangster life,

he joined the boy scouts as he wanted to do good.

One day however, while helping a granny cross the road,

he got run over by a drunk driver.

Our boss sent us to film the funeral.

Sorry, sir.

What the heck are you doing?

Nothing, it just got entangled.

Dad. Get out of here.

It's okay, leave it to me.

Go away.

Be careful, don't touch my dad's...

What the heck are you doing?

Go away.

Go away.

-It's okay, leave it to me. -Dad.

Oh, no.

Dad!

No...

I've always thought he was a bit autistic...

Dad.

...but since we're brothers, what the heck can you do?

What are you doing, you brat!

-Stop fighting. -Dad.

Stop fighting.

Dad.

Brother Wu, this is for this month.

Oh, yes.

You didn't do bad today.

Come with me after this.

Boss Long wants to see you.

Brother Liao is having noodles.

You two wait over there first, okay?

Smart jerk.

Using a drone?

It only looks good with a drone.

Nonsense.

Isn't that Shanny, Boss's chick?

No, that is a ladyboy.

Ladyboys look so real now.

How can you tell the difference?

-Just grab down here and you'll find out. -Darn you.

Darn you.

Alright...

Do I need to tell you it's 12 inches lying down?

-Alright. -Like this...

Stop it.

Sorry.

It's about time. Let's go.

Wait right here.

Alright.

He's on a big job.

You two just wait right here. Big Boss is busy.

Push harder.

The one you hear singing inside is Shanny, Boss's chick.

Our boss trains her very hard every day.

He's probably hoping she can have a concert one day.

I was busy.

You...

What's the rush?

This is our boss.

Don't try messing with him.

His side-business is selling catfish.

When Brother Liao hears you moan, it always makes him high.

Okay, cut the crap.

This is his right-hand man, Brother "Catfish" Liao.

His catfish are fed really well

and have passed all the SGS food inspections.

They are abundant in vitamin A and collagen,

and are nutritious for both men and women.

Everyone loves them.

Boss, these are the ones you wanted.

You two.

On the day of Brother Ho's funeral,

what were you doing?

Boss,

it was an accident.

An accident.

Relax, no sweat.

Come, sit over here.

Sit.

Hsiao Wu, treat them to two bowls of catfish soup.

Okay.

There's always one accident on a shoot.

Brother Ho believed "God loves everybody."

He wouldn't have given a crap.

I actually thought the video was done well,

well-thought-out and quite touching.

Did you two major in media?

Back at school,

I produced and he directed.

But it wasn't easy then, it was hard to make money.

What about you?

Boss,

this one is really talented.

He could be the next Ang Lee.

Okay then.

This pile of money is for you to play with.

Make a movie for me.

The budget, the screenplay

are all up to you.

I have only one condition.

You have to go to Japan to do some shooting there.

What do you say?

Boss,

I think we're ready.

I've already written a screenplay a long time ago.

It's going to be brilliant. Especially the heroine, Jojo,

an innocent fairy-like high school girl.

If I have the chance to shoot this,

I'll make it shine.

It sounds pretty good.

But does your word count?

How do I know it's for real?

Chop off your finger and show me.

Prove it.

-Quickly. -Chop it off.

Didn't you hear what Boss said?

-Quickly. -Quick.

Didn't you hear?

We've got no time.

-We are waiting. -Quickly.

For a movie, one finger is no big deal.

-Come on. Come on. -What are you waiting for?

-Go on. -This is your chance.

-Where is your finger? -Don't waste our time.

Are you for real or not?

Chop it off.

Your future lies here.

-Just chop it off. -Hurry up.

-Nice. -Hurry up...

I'll make it shine.

Holy crap.

You've got guts.

I believe you now.

I've found you the lead actress.

Babe.

Hello, Director. You can call me Shanny.

Sister, sorry.

But the heroine in my script is an innocent high school girl.

Perfect. I play a high school girl on shows.

I sell gems.

A cotton cardigan will go well with this.

Very pretty.

I've some talent to show you.

-Come on. -Crazy woman.

Here we go.

An innocent, pure-minded high school girl.

You don't want to do it. Fine, but it'll be the end of you.

I told you already.

In my script, she's a senior high school girl.

She is no senior high school girl.

Why don't you write in a bar lady role for her to do?

Auntie, can a thirty-something play the role of a high school kid?

Yeah.

-Did you hear that? -Yeah.

I didn't say it, it was Auntie.

A Maori snapper, please.

The technology is so good now.

Just shoot her first

and then make her younger on a computer.

$218.

Photoshop her on a computer...

You do it then.

-No change. -Thanks.

Just listen to me.

If we nail this one,

we'll have done our service.

She has a mole on her face.

A mole. If I really let her act in this, you'll keep seeing her mole.

Doesn't that bother you?

You really think a first-time director can have all he wants?

In Hollywood, I would.

Hollywood.

Well, you're not in Hollywood.

That's $100.

You know what, let me take care of this.

I'll make it work. You'll get whatever you want.

-You want a big scene, you'll get it. -Fine. Then I want Mark Lee Ping-bing.

I'll shoot it with Mark Lee.

You think you're Wong Kar-wai? Mark Lee my foot.

You're a grown-up, think of your family.

Think of your granny, and your sister.

Which one matters?

Does that mole matter more?

-Granny, -Granny.

Your grandson has bought you some fish. He's going to make you some fish soup.

My boy, you came back.

Just for a bit.

Hey, little guy.

When is the anti-drooling ceremony?

Not yet, he's only two months old.

Your boy here is going to be a director

and shoot a movie.

If it's a hit this time,

we'll get you a nicer place.

How does that sound?

-Give him to me. -His brother got run over

after a late shoot.

Now you're bringing him into movie-making too?

I bought some baby formula and diapers.

Here's some money for you.

That's a lot.

Our boss wants to make a movie. This is the director's fee.

Is it for real?

It's for real. This one is for real.

BS.

BS.

Come here.

Hsiao Liang, our assistant director.

He's well able to handle things.

-Hello. Hello. -You can count on me.

We're amateurs. Please take care of it.

No worries. I'm a pro at this.

But I've seen photos of the leading actress.

She is not so well-known.

She must have strong backing.

She is Boss's chick.

Understood.

Are you still casting?

-Sister. -Sister.

Boss has put on such a big opening party.

Then why's he not here?

Don't mind him, he's gone to Japan.

Director,

do you have something against me?

No.

It's just that you're not what I imagined.

Why don't you call Brother Long and tell him you want another actress?

I'm just messing with you.

I'll try my best to act Jojo.

Look forward to working with you.

Let's drink.

This is not right.

Sister, don't.

This is not right. Why is it not right?

How about this?

Sorry. I'm sorry, Sister.

Darn you, what is with you?

Sorry, please don't.

Sister, don't.

Sister...

-Take it off. -Sister, don't do this.

-Sister... -Take it off.

-You're not Shanny... -Come on.

...you're Jojo.

Do you know what Jojo is like?

She is a very pure

and naive high school girl.

Do you know what my movie is about?

The characters in my movie

all become zombies at the end.

Everybody becomes the same in the end.

Then the world is fair.

We've got fireworks in the last scene too.

What are you doing?

My brother told me once

that if you ever have a wish,

just jump into a stream,

and then your wish will come true.

I'm going to the Oscars.

I'm going, too.

-I want to walk on that red carpet. -There's a mole on your face.

How are you ever going to get on a red carpet?

Darn you, you bring what you got.

I'll bring you then.

Oscars, here I come.

Director, the list of scenes...

Should we go through it?

-Wait for me, I'll be over in a minute. -Alright...

Wait for me.

Don't jump yet.

The best leading actress is coming.

I asked you to hang out with her, not to knock her off.

How did I know she'd jump off with me?

How did nobody see it?

Holy crap.

You dared take care of Boss's chick.

Hsiao Liang,

do you know what happened yesterday?

What happened? You're asking me?

-You should know better than me. -Hold on,

we were going through the props yesterday

and then we kept on drinking.

What happened then?

You knocked her senseless.

What the heck are you talking about?

-Shoot, someone's here. -Are there more chicks coming?

-Stop asking questions. -Help us.

Quick.

-This is like picking up a drunk girl. -Shut up.

How did she get so drunk?

Stop asking questions.

Whatever you do next has got nothing to do with me.

We haven't even signed a contract yet.

Darn, do you think that Brother Long will let this go?

But I really didn't do anything.

Then leave.

If you think you can still run away, then leave.

Darn it, if you dare leave, I'll take care of you first.

Do you hear me?

Stop all this talking, come on.

Ready? Do it together on the count of three.

One...

Two...

Three...

Darn, you guys are messing with me.

There must be some other way.

Why don't you tell your boss the truth?

She decided to jump herself.

-It wasn't your fault. -We are dead meat.

-How about running away? -We are so dead.

-How about floating away in a barrel? -Gosh. We are really in big trouble now.

We are dead meat...

We are screwed...

Why don't we just go ahead and do the shoot.

What are you afraid of?

How long before we go to Japan?

After we start shooting...

Maybe three weeks...

I have a friend in Japan.

I can ask him to take care of us. We'll be safer with protection abroad.

Have you gone nuts?

How is a dead person going to act?

-What kind of movie are we shooting? -A zombie movie.

There you go, this is it.

This is it.

I told you earlier

that I'm the producer of this movie,

and the most important task of a producer

is to "produce scams."

This girl...

Can she really do this?

She says she's an undertaker,

but that it's only temporary.

She once learned special make-up in Australia,

and she took an acting class, too.

To proceed with the shoot,

we've recruited Mimi, a Hollywood-class special effects make-up artist.

It's been said that her deft hands can change Godzilla into Angelina...

Jolie.

Oh, yes... she's got it.

But it's not enough.

We'll turn up the air condition to its coldest level,

and we also got a huge fridge

to keep Shanny fresh.

And we'll forbid anybody from getting near her

to create the image of a mysterious superstar.

I got it...

Okay, it's ready.

Okay.

-This part is fine. -Okay.

Come on, what are you doing?

Hurry up.

Everybody in standby position now.

Where's your strength?

Get ready.

Okay, ready?

Everybody ready?

Sound

-Speed. -Camera.

Rolling.

Scene 22-5, Take 3.

Action.

Jojo,

are you alright?

Wake up.

Jojo... Oh no, help.

Jojo, are you okay?

Jojo.

You jerks, don't you ever get tired?

I'm getting tired.

Come on, bite me then. Show me what you've got.

Cut, okay.

If you can hear this broadcast, come to Tokyo, Japan.

It's the only safe place now.

Jojo...

I heard that

it's still safe in Japan.

Trust me.

I'll get you out of here.

That's a promise.

Why are you with that PE teacher?

You're admitting it now, right?

-Cut. -Okay?

Cut.

Cut.

Cut.

Okay.

Shanny...

I'd like to...

-Brother BS. -What is it?

I'd just like to go through the scenes with Shanny.

Shanny is not feeling herself today.

-It'll only take a few minutes. -Well...

You see, it's...

Shanny, I'd like to talk about the kissing scene tomorrow.

Can I stick my tongue in?

Because for me,

French kissing can help me to better express my emotions.

Is that okay with you?

Great, excellent.

Give me five.

Dian, I really appreciate you taking part.

You don't have to say that.

You asked me to play the lead, you've really got guts.

-It's you that's got guts. -Nah.

Bye-bye.

-Is everything okay? -Let me tell you something.

-This time it will be a different me. -Definitely.

The dead girl promised to do French kissing.

To solve the problem, we've asked Mimi to use one of her Hollywood tricks.

The one in Mission Impossible. Face off.

How about this? Hollywood standard?

Well...

It doesn't seem quite right.

It will be after the colouring.

But the facial expression isn't great yet.

-I still need to figure that out. -Who are you trying to fool?

How much do you think you're paying me?

Go check it.

-Shanny. -Darn, Boss is here.

-I've got you some soup. -Boss is here.

Take it off...

-Do we have any facial masks? -I'm here.

Come here...

-Put this on. -Open the door.

Babe.

Babe.

That is great.

Boss.

What the heck are you doing? Keeping me wait for so long.

-Luckily I brought the key with me. -We were discussing the script.

Shanny.

-Boss... Let me explain. -Shanny.

-What? -After she got up this morning,

Shanny lost her voice.

Right.

How did that happen? Is she alright?

Shanny, let me have a good look at you.

Let me have a look.

Come on. Let me take a look.

Boss, listen to me.

She's put herself under too much pressure, and that's triggered a serious cold.

How did it happen?

For this movie,

she has sacrificed a lot.

I hope you can keep your distance.

Keep what distance? I just want to have a chat with her.

That's all.

When she gets too intense,

I can usually talk her into relaxing.

Now, you get out

-No... -and leave me here with her.

Take it...

-No... -Get out.

Now, take it...

Darn.

-Boss. -What?

It'll just take five minutes.

No, it's just that I'll miss you, Boss.

What the... Cut the crap, now get out.

Young man, why are you still here?

Get out.

-Go. -But...

-But what? -Boss...

Get out.

Get out...

Babe,

come here.

I know that it's not just the acting.

You're also dealing with our "baby project" in Japan.

So I'll tell the director and make him shoot the movie really well.

This will make you a big star.

This smells so good.

Let me try it for you.

What was that?

You already had a sip?

See, I told you it tasted good.

Cut.

Cut my foot.

Boss, it's just that I've made a decision.

-Really? -I want you to be my leading actor.

Jojo's lover, Brother Gao.

Are you out of your mind? You want me to act?

Well, I...the original actor is a variety show sort.

I couldn't even call it acting. I've been wanting to get rid of him.

Shanny's always saying

that she can't act genuinely without you.

Really?

Babe, do you really want me to?

Boss, this role is a key character.

You're having an affair with Jojo.

It's true love with no regrets.

Here's the script.

Have a look and think about it.

Is that right?

Okay.

-Director, thank you. -No, thank you.

Thank you for giving me the chance.

In fact, I studied acting in senior high.

Really?

-So that's perfect. -Perfect.

Boss, just go back and read the script.

What's that?

I don't want to waste the intestines.

Boss, that's it.

Just go back and read the script.

But before the shoot,

you two can't meet up.

So you can fully express

how much you miss each other when you act together.

Okay then. I'll go back and read it.

Great.

Your chitterling soup tastes really good.

Make more during the shoot.

See you then.

Ah, BS is still in there.

Come.

It's freezing.

Wait, my leg's caught.

-Move her a little bit. -Stop stepping on her,

you're squishing her.

LONG FA REEFER LOGISTICS

Hurry up, we need to shoot now.

Brother Long asked me to find an acting coach.

You're really going to make him kiss a dead person?

Do me a favour.

Get him off the cast.

Director, should we dump all this stuff after the scene?

Stop asking me about everything.

Decide yourself.

What the freak are you talking about?

If it wasn't for you farting,

we wouldn't have had to ask him to act.

You can change the script.

You...

You can have him die.

The hero, right?

A fatal disease,

a car accident,

deadly diarrhoea.

If you dare resurrect him using his DNA,

I'll kick your butt.

Director.

Director my foot.

You direct it then.

If you need my services, I can help.

Darn, you'd really thought about that.

Jojo, I have taken a vow that I will love you till death do us part.

Jojo, I will love you till death do us part.

That's my line, not yours.

You...

I should've known by your face.

Liao, come on.

-No. -Try it. You'll be better.

Come on.

Jojo,

I have taken a vow that

I will love you till death do us part.

Teacher,

if I turn into a zombie,

will you still love me?

For you, I'm willing to make any sacrifice.

Liao, your turn.

-Do I have to? -Quickly.

Let's make love.

Before I become one of those things,

aren't you afraid that in the middle, I'll turn into a zombie?

No, I am not afraid.

Not at all.

I'm willing to be bitten...

by you.

Boss, that was tough for you.

Darn you.

By the way,

keep an eye on the diamonds we put into Shanny.

Sure.

Before we set off for Japan,

I'll make sure of it.

Darn.

What was the art department dumping things here for?

Just keep looking.

If we can't find Shanny's body, we'll end up zombies, too.

It's all your fault.

Step aside.

XIANGSU PET INCINERATION PLANT

ASHES STRAIGHT INTO THE URN

Thank you.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

On the X-ray monitor,

I saw lots of pearl-shaped objects.

Shanny will definitely receive nice karma.

How are we going to keep this lie going?

PET GROOMING GIVE YOUR PET A FRESH, NEW LOOK

What?

Didn't Shanny have her face done?

Remember that noodle stall? That poster by the noodle stall?

Somebody once said on Facebook that in this world,

everyone has two doppelgangers.

This may sound like crap,

but Liang discovered

that Shanny was once a big, fat girl.

She came to the city with the dream of being a star,

but often got dissed because of how she looked.

That was until one day,

she saw the drag queen, Hsiao Ching.

Then she got surgery

to look exactly like Ching

and created a new life for herself.

Don't overlook this thin string.

It can change your energy flow.

How can I get away with being her without breasts?

Don't worry,

we've got a special make-up artist from Australia.

Leave the breast job to me.

So I have to act as a young girl, a triad chick

and a zombie at the same time.

-Excuse me. -Sorry.

Is she in senior high or college? Do the triads speak Taiwanese or Mandarin?

Does the zombie move fast or slow?

Director, what's your answer?

Senior high. Taiwanese. Fast and slow.

How is possible to be both fast and slow?

I'd be risking my life.

It will cost you.

Ching,

just name your price.

We have a serious budget.

The young girl's part needs figuring out, the triad chick's needs some research

and the zombie's requires some body training.

That's three roles altogether.

And acting the triad chick is risky.

Also if I take on this project,

I'll miss a lot of shows.

If you're not doing it, we will.

-Let me, let me do it. -I will.

Sorry, but you've only one night

to prepare to act exactly like Shanny.

Try to be as horny as you can.

Pretend your breasts are all you got.

What do you think about this voice for Shanny?

Bro Long, yours is so big, I'm scared.

Does that sound too horny?

What do you think?

Come, hurry up.

I'll show you the reels we've already shot.

Darn, your office looks like crap.

Don't judge it yet.

You see,

acting is really about listening, watching, and feeling.

From now on,

you have to imagine you're Shanny.

So where's the toilet?

Over there.

Where?

There.

Hey, make it quick.

You still have to try on the fake breasts.

Hurry up.

It stinks.

Boss, for the movie's sake, hold back just now.

I heard you.

Brother Long, I've missed you so much.

Babe,

your voice sounds weird.

I still have that cold.

Come,

put this on to keep you warm.

-Thank you, Brother Long. -That's enough for now, Boss.

See you in Japan.

I'm just putting a scarf on her.

-Sorry, Boss. It's almost boarding time. -See you in Japan.

Okay. I'll catch up with you soon.

-Okay. -So you take care...

-You better miss me. -See you in Japan then.

-You better miss me. -I'll miss you.

-Love you. -Thanks, Boss.

-Miss you. -Bye-bye.

Jojo, I'll love you till death do us part.

But Teacher,

what if I turn into a zombie?

For you,

I'm willing to make any sacrifice.

Teacher,

let's make love

if you're not afraid of me turning into a zombie in the middle.

I'm not afraid.

I'm willing to be bitten by you.

I am willing.

I deserved that.

Hit me if you want.

PRESIDENT'S OFFICE

It's your daughter.

Ting-ting.

Ting-ting.

Ting-ting.

It's your father.

It's about time now.

Cut.

That wasn't bad, nice.

Hurry up, we need to shoot now.

Yes, we got it.

It's about time.

Superb.

Are you alright?

Are you alright?

-Thank you. -Now, put her down.

-Go to your mommy. -Yes!

-Yes! -Director, it's okay now.

-We can prepare for the next scene. -Yes!

Does Shanny need to fix her make-up?

-Mimi. -Please wait a moment.

-Mimi. -Mimi...

Stop daydreaming, come over here.

-Yes! -Come, hurry up.

Yes.

-We got it. -Yes! Yes!

Brother Long was awesome.

Just sign your name,

and you'll have your new ID.

On arrival in Osaka,

you'll be free.

Tang Cruise.

I'm saying this for the last time.

Later on, my Japanese friend will meet us at the gas station.

You'll switch into his car,

and he'll drive you to the railway station.

Once we get there,

everyone will go their own way. You know what I mean.

Can't we just shoot for one more day?

I...

I think I've found a good angle

from that scene we did earlier.

We're so close to the big scene tomorrow.

We're in trouble, and you're talking about your big scene.

Stop daydreaming.

You saw it too, didn't you?

For the next scene,

we have to block the street.

Assistant Director, you have to watch the intersection.

-Okay. -Take the actress for a rest.

-Mimi, bring her back for make-up. -Off we go.

Whose passport is this?

Sister, Brother Long wants you to have dinner with him after the shoot.

After the shoot?

Didn't we agree on not disturbing the actress?

Our boss said so.

You have a problem with that?

We'll wait for you downstairs then.

Holy crap.

What now?

It's just a meal, no big deal.

I shouldn't go.

Don't worry, we'll wait for you.

Boss says

he once took his wife to see "Farewell, My Concubine",

and that he's never seen such a pretty man.

-Tell your boss... -Yes.

That's because

he hasn't seen our movie yet.

Once he sees it,

he'll think ours is better.

He says the movie they're shooting

is much better than "Farewell, My Concubine."

What are you talking about?

I was talking about movies with Mr. Ookouchi.

Come on, come on.

Stop messing around.

Let's shoot for one more day.

In the last scene, all the zombies are running wild.

It's a very important scene.

Please, please.

Okay, fine.

You two come here.

Let's sort this out right now.

Raise your hand if you want to stay.

Can you get a grip?

We're on the run here. What can't you get about that?

Hello.

What operation?

What the heck do they mean by "baby"?

Baby?

What the heck are they talking about?

I only know I'm having the baby removed soon.

How about changing into men's clothes, then you run away,

and we'll wait for you here?

Do you think changing is that easy? It's full of their people outside.

They're eating, so sneak out right now.

Hurry or you'll miss the high-speed train.

Do you want to check your passports?

Passports?

Do you have them with you?

Yes.

When did you take them?

Come save me now

or I'll go tell Brother Long all about your plan.

Okay, no sweat. We'll pick you up right away, alright?

Come over right now.

If I die, we die together.

Crazy woman.

What is it now?

Change of plan.

We have to pick up that crazy woman.

Babe, I missed you.

I really missed you.

I know, Brother Long. I missed you, too.

You're messing up my make-up.

They're so bouncy, they feel so good.

-Enough. -Come on.

We have to restrain ourselves during the shoot.

Restrain what?

Restrain.

Whose rule is that?

Is the baby being good inside?

Yes, very good.

Good, I can relax now.

-Come. -Putting on make-up takes a long time.

-Come on. Come on. -Brother Long, we can't.

We really can't.

I'm feeling sick.

Okay,

hold it in.

Hold it in. Don't puke.

Hold it in.

Try not to puke.

Hold it in.

Hold it.

The previous doctor mentioned that...

sometimes the body wants to reject them.

Is it that

"the baby in your breasts" is making you sick?

Darn.

It must be because you bled too much last time.

Last time...

-I bled too much? -Yes.

But you can relax this time.

You're being operated on by a famous doctor.

Once we take out the diamonds, you'll be fine.

Don't you worry.

Boss is here.

Hello, Boss.

Liao, are you sure that customs won't seize the money

in Taiwan?

Boss, it's all been taken care of.

We've registered them in the name of the movie.

Okay.

Our turn next.

Come, Babe.

Come.

Come along.

Brother Long, I'm not feeling well.

Make it tomorrow.

Today or tomorrow, what's the difference?

Please. Just promise me.

Okay...

That's a promise.

So tomorrow it is then...

Shoot, how do we get in with them there?

Quiet.

I have an idea.

Don't touch me.

Let me go. Let me go.

Hey,

what are you doing?

-Who are you guys? -Who are you?

Excuse me.

I lost my way.

This place...

Do you know where it is?

Please.

This place... is here.

Do you know it? So you want to go there?

Yes, here.

From here, you go in that direction. Go straight towards there.

Go straight.

Go straight? I see.

Thank you.

Bye-bye then.

Bye-bye.

What are you two doing here?

Talk.

Come over here.

Come on.

What are you smiling about?

-Boss. -Boss.

You two. How did you know we were here?

We're doing some location scouting.

Yes, location scouting.

Is that so?

Are you done yet?

If you're finished, Ajia,

show them to the exit.

Go on.

Holy crap,

I'm not doing this.

Babe,

was that your voice?

I got phlegm stuck in my throat earlier.

Really?

I'm not able for the operation today.

How do you know if you don't try?

Boss,

I've got a question

to ask Sister.

Sister,

are you not able to do it today

or is it that you're not able to do it at all?

What's he talking about?

Brother Liao already knows

she, BS and Wenxi

have had some secret plan for a while.

What plan do we have?

Yeah, you're the guys with the plan.

-What are you talking about? -Hsiao Wu,

what are you trying to say?

Boss,

this person...

is not Shanny.

Are you nuts?

Boss,

the real Shanny is no longer here.

The three of them

seem to have pocketed our diamonds.

That's nonsense.

He's always had something against me.

Why would I have something against you?

Because I make love to Brother Long and you can't.

What nonsense are you talking now?

It's okay to make love with Long but not with Liao.

What the heck is she talking about?

Boss,

sorry.

But I accidentally saw... When she was going to the toilet,

I saw her...

standing up.

What?

She pisses standing up.

You jerk.

-She pisses standing up. -What the heck are you saying?

-She pisses standing up. -What proof do you have?

The proof... The proof is her body.

Darn you.

-Liao, how do you teach your guys? -Boss.

-Listen to me. -Shoot your grandma.

What the...

Boss...

None of you can go!

Jerk.

-I have to kill you all. -What are you talking about?

I think today is the end of the shoot.

I can't believe it myself.

Before Liao could pull the trigger,

Brother Long suddenly shouted.

The movie isn't finished yet. The director can't die.

So we've come back to Taiwan

and our fate has turned into...

To Be Continued.

That was brilliant.

Therefore,

I have decided

we have to finish this movie.

As we have fallen out with the Ookouchi gang,

this new business is going to be crucial for us.

So I've decided to send this movie to Mainland China

and make it into a blockbuster.

-Hsiao Wu, -Yes.

I'll give you a chance to redeem yourself.

You have to cooperate with BS.

If they get into any trouble,

you and Liao have to help them out.

Do you hear me?

But Boss,

what about the diamonds?

Don't you worry.

The diamonds are in Shanny's breasts. They're very safe in there.

Let's finish the movie first, and then we'll talk about it.

-Fine. -Fine.

Boss.

Shoot this one properly. I'm relying on you two now.

-Sure, no problem. -Okay.

Go for it.

BS.

BS. Wait up.

Even Bro Long is cheering for us, and he wants us to keep shooting.

Why are you quitting now?

Are you out of your mind?

It's only because of Ching's acting that we are safe at all.

But once Brother Long tries to ride him and finds out we've got the diamonds,

we'll be dead.

We've just found out about the diamonds.

If we find them, we'll give them back.

It's not that simple.

It was just an accident.

We didn't hurt anybody, right?

You'll figure something out.

You want to shoot it, go shoot it yourself.

What the freak?

What the freak are you doing?

Okay.

Let's talk it out.

Do you know this person?

Wen Xi.

If you want to save BS,

bring the diamonds to the harbour.

I... I really don't know.

On the X-ray monitor,

I could see lots of pearl-shaped objects.

Hurry up.

You're late.

That's right.

Let me introduce them to you.

Mr. Tanaka and Mr. Izawa

are two heavies from the Ookouchi gang.

Come.

Regarding Shanny, Wenxi has told us everything,

and he's also handed over the diamonds.

You two are freaks.

You kept it going for so long with a dead body.

It's okay, never mind.

Brother Liao has a good idea.

In a few days, you'll read in the news,

"Brother Long dies in accident during movie shoot."

But why?

Why? Brother Long is an old fart.

The operation is screwed if we let him continue.

Look at those two Japanese guys.

They've come to avenge their boss.

Brother Liao wants to work with them. These diamonds are your down payment.

You can make whatever film you like.

Okay, let's move on.

The new script.

Take a look.

Brother Long is going to be blown up in the final scene.

You just add a bit more dynamite

to make the explosion more splendid. We can shoot it from here.

Shoot it from here.

It's brilliant, Brother Liao's idea.

Brother Liao could be a director, too.

I'm not in.

How am I going to shoot this?

What are you talking about?

What the heck are you talking about?

What kind of a loser are you now?

-Darn, dare say another word. -This is not a director's job, I quit.

Shut up, do you hear me?

Or should I be the director?

The set is all finished.

Use my movie to murder someone? No way.

But we don't have another choice.

If you don't have a choice, then how do I?

Do you even know what you're talking about?

You wanted to go ahead with the corpse.

Then you wanted to quit. Now you want me to kill somebody.

I do whatever you tell me. Treat me like a dog?

-Enough. -What?

Come on.

Come on.

You jerk.

You... come on.

Darn, darn you.

-No, I'm not. I'm not doing it. -I'll kick your butt.

Come back.

Come back.

Director.

Director,

are you busy?

There's no need to tidy up.

After you finish the shoot,

you can move into a bigger office.

Liao tells me that you want me to go through the script.

Why did you change it?

I...

-What? -Well, Boss,

it will make the movie more brilliant.

I'm asking the director, not you.

He's so deep into his artistic process.

-We've still some time... -I'm talking to the director.

What are you nagging for?

Do you think I'm stupid?

I didn't mean that.

-Boss is so funny. -What's so funny?

Funny your foot.

Are you hiding something from me?

No, I'm not.

I...

I wouldn't dare.

Where would I get the guts to do that?

Boss, don't.

Brother Long, calm down.

You're frightening them.

Let's talk about it.

What's wrong with your voice?

Shouldn't you have got over your cold ages ago?

Tell me honestly now.

Who are you?

I'm Shanny.

I just didn't tell you about my new hairstyle.

Shanny my foot. Shanny.

I was already suspicious back in Japan.

I thought you were another girl.

But you are actually a guy.

That's so disgusting.

And that time, you even told me to go in from behind.

Tell me now,

where is Shanny?

I am Shanny.

Say it.

I don't know.

She's dead.

Who killed her?

No one can die just like that.

It's true.

She fell and killed herself.

It was really an accident.

BS.

Tell me,

where are the diamonds?

I don't know.

Tell me.

I really don't know.

BS.

Being a filmmaker,

I thought I'd die either of poverty

or from over-work.

It never occurred to me that I'd be shot dead.

Brother,

I know you don't like this ending.

But this time,

there's nothing I can do about it.

BS.

-Those two jerks. -Hsiao Wu,

what are you doing?

Do you think my money is easy to burn?

He is the director.

We're not done with the movie yet.

-Liao. -Boss.

You take care of the diamonds and bring her ashes to me.

-Got it. Ajia and Yendao, -Yes.

-you take care of BS. -Sure.

As for you, finish the movie for me.

-BS. -Get off me.

You're lucky Brother Long spared your life.

We'll still go on as planned.

Otherwise your grandmother will be in danger.

LET'S GO TO THE OSCARS TOGETHER

BS

NOT PRODUCING DEFECTIVES

NOT ACCEPTING DEFECTIVES

NOT DELIVERING DEFECTIVES

Alright.

Hurry up, we have to shoot now.

Come on, hurry up.

No problem.

Now listen up carefully.

Have any foreskin on your ears removed.

Now listen carefully.

Some people asked about the Japanese characters on set.

That's for the sake of continuity.

You got it?

Hello, Director.

-Hello, Director. -Come here.

For the explosive effect,

we'll put more dynamite here.

If anyone feels they've got too many hands, feel free to touch it.

Do you see the ship over there?

There's dynamite there for the fireworks.

There will be an explosion of fireworks in the last scene.

Come, over here, careful.

Feel free to step on it.

Step on it if you want to be in a wheelchair.

MAKE PRODUCTS YOUR CUSTOMERS CAN TRUST

Life is always harder to comprehend than a movie.

I don't know if the next one

is going to be a comedy, a gangster movie

or a zombie movie.

The last scene is about farewells.

Hsiao Ching,

since it's about farewells,

you have to run fast.

Boss,

-you just go ahead and die. -I will.

Right.

Boss, you go ahead and die.

I'll go outside now.

Okay.

Hsiao Wu.

Just shoot it.

-Let's get to work. -Get to work now?

Okay, let's do it.

Let's do it.

Director,

I'll leave this one for you to cue.

This is crucial. When you press the button, it'll explode.

Okay.

Is the monitor broken?

It's okay, I'll take care of it.

The bigger problem is that we don't have enough extras today.

I wonder if the brothers can help us out.

Brother, no sweat.

There'll be a lunchbox for everyone.

Please think about it.

How about an extra fish ball soup?

Fine.

I'll go look at the set.

Darn, what a nut.

Okay now.

Okay,

whole world, stand by.

Everybody quiet.

Ready.

Roll Sound.

-Speed. -Camera Set.

70-1, Take 1.

And...

Action.

They're coming in.

-Shut it quickly. -Holy crap.

Teacher, let's go,

quick.

-Quickly. -You go.

They've fallen into my trap.

Don't worry. I'll take care of this one.

-Will it explode? -Yes.

It's so scary, let's get out of here.

Listen to me, take care of yourself.

-Go, let go off me. -No, I won't.

Let go.

-No. -Go. Go.

Go.

Cut.

-Darn. -Cut.

-Can we do another take? -Okay, one more.

One more take.

Lock it quickly.

Go away.

Cut.

The guy at the back, stop picking his nose.

-If you do it again, there's no lunchbox. -Sorry about that.

It wasn't me, Boss said "cut."

Let's do another take.

-Let's go. -No.

You go.

-I'm not going. -You have to take care of yourself.

Now, leave now.

Go now. Go.

I don't want to. Together.

Cut.

I think I didn't express my feelings enough.

I should come back and give the teacher a kiss.

Then it will be full of feeling.

Should we just do another one?

Guys, listen to your director's instructions.

Listen,

if I hear another cut,

I'll shoot your head off.

Let's go for another take.

Action.

Go.

-No. -Go.

What's going on?

Jerk.

He catches on fire!

-What the heck. -Boss.

-It's Boss, hurry. -It's Boss.

-Something went wrong. -Any more fire extinguishers?

-Boss. -Put out the fire!

Boss.

Boss.

-Good job. -Put out the fire quickly.

-Hurry up. Hurry up. -Is everybody out?

-Call ambulance! -Is he alright?

-They are hurt! -Boss.

-Hurry up! -Boss!

Boss.

Boss.

Boss.

Boss. Mr. Tanaka and Izawa are here.

Hi.

Guys,

the Ookouchi gang is working with me now.

We've worked our butts off on this movie

but it was only for the diamonds.

I don't know what your thoughts are

-or you just want to... -Or you just want to...

work on movies now?

But Boss has just dropped dead.

Then I've nothing more to say.

We might as well just split up.

Who shot me?

Darn.

Darn it.

What the...

Darn.

Darn it.

Darn it.

You...

I thought we could work together.

-Now prepare to meet BS again. -Boss.

Boss, look at Brother Long.

He's getting up.

Boss.

Boss.

Boss, are you alright?

Boss.

Boss, are you alright?

Boss.

-Boss. -Boss.

Ajia.

Boss, they're all coming out.

They're coming out.

Help.

Is that yours or mine?

Darn it. Darn it. Darn it.

Darn it.

What the heck?

Wrong number. What the...

Holy crap.

Cut.

What are you looking at?

Pass me a cigarette.

Darn you.

Alright. Hurry up.

We need to shoot now.

Why aren't you dead?

You really wanted me dead?

I missed you so much.

Okay, got it. It's fine now, alright?

You didn't tell me.

One of us had to be with Liao.

If I'd told you, it wouldn't have worked.

Yeah, your acting sucks. It just wouldn't have worked.

Hello, Director.

How did you know I'd keep it going?

I was betting to see whether you were truly my brother.

You doubted that?

Wenxi.

Boss.

You son of a gun.

Where did you get the guts to kill me?

Boss, sorry.

It's okay,

no sweat.

You were doing it for the brotherhood.

How did you make a deal with Boss?

If you had quit that time, Liao wouldn't have let us go.

So I had to be honest with Brother Long.

Boss.

-What are you doing? -No, it's just...

What is it?

Boss,

I've something to show you.

What's going on?

Brother Long wanted to talk it out with Liao.

But for the diamonds and the operation,

he decided to go ahead with the shoot.

How am I going to make it real?

You just need to listen for the shots.

Right.

I've seen all the Hollywood actors do it.

BS.

Nobody's here.

-Alright. -We're okay.

Let's go.

But there was an explosion,

why were you unharmed?

To protect them,

we found a warehouse that looked exactly the same.

Before the shoot,

we transferred them into the other one so they'd avoid the explosion.

Is the monitor broken?

The bigger problem is that we don't have enough extras today.

I wonder if the brothers can help us out.

There'll be a lunchbox for everyone.

The signal you were receiving

was from the other warehouse.

We rehearsed this scene

so many times.

We also swapped Liao's gun

to achieve the dying hard effect.

So I swapped it with a prop gun.

Yendao,

hold this stick.

-Hit me just here. -Here?

-Like this? -Go.

Will this do?

How about here, let's try here.

-Boss, don't. It's so tickly. -Holy crap.

You're useless.

Get up. Get up.

It's really painful! Hurry up.

Didn't you want a crazy zombie scene?

Now you have it.

You have to die once to truly know

who your real brothers are.

Where are they?

Boss.

Boss.

Darn, even the betelnuts are wet.

Boss, I don't have any but I have cigarettes.

This is waterproof.

Here.

I've got another one.

EXPLOSIVES. NO FIRE

Quick.

-You go. -Don't go.

-Take care of yourself. Go, quickly. -I don't want to.

Quickly.

Teacher, I love you.

Granny.

-Granny. Wake up, it's over. -It seems the boy has pooped.

I'll go change his diaper.

That sucked. I've no idea what it was about.

Next time I have to spend NT$200, can we not watch such a rotten movie?

It's so bad. There's a lot of American films...

How bad was it?

Say it.

-Tell the director here. -Enough now.

-Let's go. -Don't let me see you again.

-I'll teach you a lesson. -Enough.

-So bad? -Brother...

-Sorry. -Sorry.

-It's my fault. -It's me that should be sorry.

-Actually it wasn't bad. -Boss.

It's for you.

Boss.

Shanny,

I bring you good news.

We won the best actress award

at the Cancan Film Festival in France.

The judges commented that

"the actress uses amazingly wicked body language

to act as a young high school girl.

Under her cold exterior,

there is an unrestrained passion."

So, Shanny, I'm going to continue supporting Wenxi

on his sequel.

It's called The Gangs, the Oscars and the Walking Dead.

Hsiao Ching will be the lead actress.

So, Shanny, as you are up in heaven,

please bless us and the new movie.

Holy crap.

What the heck.