Original subtitles

He'll probably be here in a sec.

Just... Obviously, quite busy, you know? Because he's...

(KNOCKING)

- Here he is. - (RICKY) All right. Bradley.

Marcus. You... Dougie, you reprobate.

All right, mate. They're all there. You been waiting long?

- About 45 minutes... - I've got my own. Those are shit.

Shall we start? Yeah?

- Oh... From the beginning? - Yes.

1981. Adam and the Ants. Who could forget?

- It's not "I Love 1981". - No?

- No, it's about "The Office". - Brilliant.

I wish it was "I Love 1970". Spacehoppers! Swizzlers!

Yeah, we're talking about "The Office".

- Sorry. Why just "by Ricky Gervais"? - Well, it is...

Why not "by Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant"?

Too long? Just your name's shorter? Thanks.

The thing is, Ricky's the most irritating man I've ever met.

I can't deny that he's got a capacity to be irritating.

Why is he irritating? So many reasons.

Things like going... (SQUAWKS)

...like that, for literally no reason.

He's like a child who's had too much tartrazine

and now needs calming down.

(SQUAWKS)

He wilfully tries to destroy scenes.

He'll keep on until he gets a reaction.

- He loves it. - It's... a joy.

Yeah, he loves it... (SQUEAKS)

- He loves all that. I go... - Don't do it now,

- because I'll go mental. - Isn't he touchy?

(MAN) Slate 22, Take 1.

I remember I had to have a single shot of me

just looking a bit put out, maybe, and stern, whatever,

and Ricky was just...

(BELCHES)

I'm gonna be sick. Give me that bin. Seriously.

- That smells like... - Give me that bin!

- That smells like a pocket of egg. - Put it there. Keep it going.

- You know... - (STEPHEN) Stop belching.

My friend Robin says I've got two moods.

One is... (SQUEALS)

And the other is, "I'll have someone fired!"

Yeah, he's a total hypocrite.

Anyone else makes a noise - "I can't believe this!"

- That's not true! - But him making noise, that's fine.

There was one bit where... because it was an empty real office,

the office next door came to complain about the noise.

- That's true. - It was supposed to be a quiet set,

and he's there singing, screaming, shouting.

Because he's the star, he's allowed. "I'll get stressed if I don't."

I fired the location manager,

and said, "Why put us next to a grumpy office?"

"I've got to squeak and jump around and let off fireworks."

He tends to touch, sometimes... (SIGHS)

It can be a little bit upsetting.

He puts his arm around you, fiddles with your hair.

And he says, "Come on.

"Liking a kiss and cuddle with another man doesn't make you gay,"

which I've thought a lot about, and I think it does. I think it does.

The thing about TV is, literally, time is money.

- It all has to be right first time. - That's why... Go on.

That's why I imagine you deliberately jeopardise every single take we do.

- I wasn't going to say that. - He'll add lines or names.

- (WOMAN) Action. - You don't often see silk for £9.99.

- (WOMAN) Action. - £9.99. Pure silk. Snapped it up.

- (WOMAN) Action. - Wally Burton.

Two for ten quid. Yes, please.

- (WOMAN) Action. - Nobby Burton came. Two for £10.

- (WOMAN) Action. - Deaf Nobby Burton with the case...

(SNIGGERING)

(STEPHEN) Why are you making it harder?

OK. I'm sorry. I'll just say Nobby Burton who comes with the case.

Two for a tenner. I got four.

A lot of stuff that ends up in "The Office" comes from me mucking around

and annoying people, so that's what I say in my defence.

- It's my art. - I remember when we did the pilot,

we did a sequence of the talking heads, then left the camera rolling,

and I'd interview him, and he'd talk as though he were Brent.

Some ideas came out, but mostly, I'd ruin it by cracking up.

One of the, I suppose, occupational hazards of being a laugh

is that they think they can have a laugh, and they can,

but not... at the expense... of me

and... the company as a whole

without humour involvement.

In that sense, I mean, they can't...

(LAUGHTER IN BACKGROUND)

I'm sorry.

...without the humour involvement. By that, I mean...

I don't mind a laugh during work, or instead of work,

what I don't enjoy is what I call the anti-laugh, where it's at...

I'm sorry.

- (STEPHEN) Can I just leave? - That won't help.

It's what is called, by me, the anti-laugh,

and that is anything goes, thanks very much.

Have a laugh. Find the funny side of life in everything, OK?

Have a laugh at yourself, please.

Have a laugh at me, because I will with you,

but don't make the mistake of the laughter of hate.

(LAUGHTER)

(STEPHEN) Right, fuck this. I'm going out.

I first met Stephen when I was working at XFM,

a local London radio station, and I was the head of speech.

If you've heard him speak, that's ludicrous.

He had to be involved with all the speech output - news, competitions...

You needed a perfect grasp of communication.

So, I'd blagged the job - well paid, wasn't it?

- Very good. - But then I had to do stuff,

which was annoying, and I knew nothing about it.

So, I said, "Look. The workload is mental. I need an assistant."

And they went, "Sure." And I met Steve and said, "Listen,

"I've got to do loads of stuff, filing and stuff.

"If you do all that, I'll let you get away with murder,"

which left me free to do more important stuff.

- Rolling around on your chair. - That was one.

- Boating. - Golfing.

I joined the BBC and I was training there.

I had a training day where you had to make a short film,

and most people were doing documentaries,

but Ricky had this character that he used to improvise in the office.

It was a thing called Seedy Boss, more an observation

on a lecherous boss, who was smarmy and... It was David Brent.

I don't give crappy jobs. If I give a good job to a good guy,

and then, after a while, he says, "Thank you for that job.

"I've done that. I want to move on,"

then I can make that dream come true, too, aka, for you.

(STEPHEN) We shot it at the University of London

and used some actor mates of mine.

- Air-conditioning... computerised. - So, it's all hermetically sealed.

That's just Artexed, I think, but, the...

It knows the temperature, the time,

whether you're working or not... No, that's illegal.

(RICKY) The reason we shot it like a documentary was time.

It was quicker. We only had the camera crew for a day.

If time's against you and you just film the character talking,

it's really simple, but you can get a sense of the character.

I really love the talking heads in the show.

Because it's like a documentary, we couldn't do people off camera.

They can't shut the door and snort coke.

They can't blurt out things they're thinking,

but, ironically, when they're by themselves and they're being filmed,

they're a little bit more honest, because it's flattering.

When a camera's pointed at someone, they think, "This is my chance.

"I can tell everyone my philosophies on life."

Of course, they blow it and can't take it back...

- like now. - Exactly.

People... They could come to me and go, "David," erm...

"You've been in the business 15 years.

"Can you give me a couple of words of advice?"

But they don't. That's the tragedy.

There were points that were almost towards the surreal

that we decided we wouldn't have, because we wanted a normal person.

There's little bits and pieces that wouldn't sit well.

There's a bit where you put lipstick on.

(INAUDIBLE)

That was the first time Ricky had done any acting properly,

and once that got made and the little demo tape existed,

it got seen, and he got onto the "11 O'clock Show",

yet he was an absolute nightmare.

The clock was ticking, and he's like, "That's fine. Let's go to the pub."

I've got film of us rehearsing - just an empty pint glass.

He's thinking, "Bar closes soon."

- (RICKY) I'm acting faster. - Absolute nightmare.

- Now you're marginally better. - How weird.

- You've learned so much. - People say, "Will fame change you?"

- You were always obnoxious. - Yeah.

Hour and a half. You went at quarter to.

After the little pre-pilot that we shot ourselves, the demo pilot,

the BBC commissioned a script and then a real pilot, if you like.

The script seemed quite good. I went along and originally read for Gareth.

Then I was on my way out the door, pretty much, then I read for Tim.

I was imagining him more like Norm from "Cheers".

He was going to be fat and wise-cracking.

I had three call-backs, I think, for the part,

but they don't let you know it's a close thing and you might not get it.

Some people we ended up with were not as we imagined originally.

I remember when Mackenzie came in as Gareth, I wasn't convinced at all.

I didn't realise Stephen didn't think I was right.

I'd imagined him bigger, more militaristic.

Obviously, the weedy guy won through in the end... but I can play butch.

What was exciting about Mackenzie is that because he looks fragile,

not how we first imagined,

we found that we could give him more ridiculous, horrendous lines,

and you still didn't mind, because of his little bird-type face.

I don't mean like a woman. I mean like a little fledgling pigeon

who just hatched too early.

There's a sort of vulenerabilly about Mackenzie... Vulenerabilly?

- Ah, language is your tool. - Ah... We can cut that.

- We'll put a subtitle up. ...vulnerability, and that was nice.

I don't give shitty jobs.

When a good man comes to me and says,

"Thank you for the opportunity and the continued..."

(STEPHEN) The official BBC pilot is pretty much the same

as episode one of the series, but there was a sequence

where Dawn tells Tim a joke - did you see that film, "Gaylords Say No"?

- No. - That means you're a gaylord.

See? A classic school playground joke.

- Oh, yeah. - Just got it?

And then they play that joke on the cleaning lady.

- Say it back to me. - "Did you see a film, 'Gays"'?

No. "Did you see that film last night, 'Gaylords Say No?"'

- Get it? - Yes.

- Ask Gareth. - Gareth, did you see a film,

- "Gaylords"? - What?!

She was wondering if you saw that film, "Gaylords Say No"?

- No. - That means you're a gaylord.

I'm not a gaylord. What's a gaylord?

- Oh, hello. - Hiya.

Then there was a sequence about Gareth finding out

that there's going to be redundancies, and he's really upset.

The old shares.

Ooh, oil. Somebody got their fingers burnt.

(KNOCK)

Listen, I need to know if there's anything you've heard,

any rumours, from Head Office...

- Anything? - You've got stuff on your face.

- It's probably ink. - You're making it worse.

Have you got a tissue or... Sorry. What's that?

- It's not mine. - Is it your mum's?

- Yeah. Mine are twice as big. - Without the lace?

No...

- You do it. - I haven't got a mirror. Dawn?

- They're all talking out there. - Right. Slow down. Who's talking?

- Have you got a tissue? - (DAWN) Whose is that?

- My mum's. Mine are bigger. - Without the lace.

I should be first after you to know.

Yeah, the first after me to know, OK...

Don't! What's that? It's meant to be my spit on my face.

I don't want it now. Don't bother.

I feel I've got a responsibility to the staff...

- Say what you mean. - Jennifer was here this morning.

Now there's rumours... Dawn, this is a private meeting...

What's this about us losing our jobs?

- This is a private meeting. - Joan, sit down.

I don't think that I'm being s...

Frankly, I'm a little bit insulted...

(KNOCK)

- Losing jobs? - Give us two minutes.

- Sit down, Malcolm. - This was a private meeting.

- It's just... - Can I just?

OK...

- (SNORTS) - As team leader...

- (KNOCK) - This is pathetic!

Right, I've called this meeting... Thanks for coming.

- I've called this meeting... - Gareth, sit down.

All it is is that the powers that be have deemed...

- You're telling them? - You don't know what's going on.

- I called the meeting. - To find out. I'm telling you.

In front of everyone else. No, go on.

(STEPHEN) It felt like a sitcom, with a beginning, middle and end.

In a real documentary, they piece together that from real life.

We wanted that sense that we'd cobbled it together.

I panicked. I thought it was the sitcom that we said we'd never make.

We geed ourselves up and went back to basics to do something...

We thought we were making something new. We hoped we were.

We didn't want anything...

You called it "better than Dickens", didn't you?

Yeah...

It is. And that Shakespeare.

Gaylord.

- Whassup? - Hey, whassup? I love that.

(RICKY) I think it looked quite real because I'm not an actor.

I don't care about hitting marks or where I stand.

Steve would go, "Can you at least speak up?"

- "Face the right direction." - "Not really. I'll do it this way."

You do think that everything you've guessed is the truth.

You assume that's actually how it's done.

- I'm not a trained actor. - This is amazing.

- Or a trained director. - His CV is empty.

- Yeah... I haven't got a CV. - No.

Never needed one.

He'll be on a talking head and be more worried about the lighting.

"Learn the lines. You wrote them. OK?"

The difference between our show and others set in offices

is that they're always too full of incident.

There's people doing one-liners, doing crazy stuff

and getting into scrapes, which is not what an office is like.

It's just monotony, if it's a job you don't enjoy,

which is interspersed with somebody making a joke or something.

So, we wanted lots of sequences between the jokes of people working.

There's something lovely and empty and boring

about someone sat typing at a computer.

I know drama is life with the boring bits taken out,

but we left some in, because they can be the funniest bits.

So, we didn't top and tail scenes so cleanly.

We like dwelling on a bad joke or a nothingness.

What's funny about a bad joke is the agony of that silence afterwards.

Have you heard Michael Jackson's new song?

- No. - He's teamed up with West Ham,

doing "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles."

The chimp. She doesn't know football. Tell her later.

The frustrating thing as a writer

is that you had to get around this camera being there.

Because people couldn't do things they wouldn't do on camera.

It was a bind, but what we could use...

The advantage is that it would up the agony,

and that's where that came from.

(DAVID) That was a joke.

(DAWN SOBS)

You find, especially with the romantic plot,

because the camera's filming them,

they can't show their true feelings, Tim and Dawn.

It means it's almost like some Victorian seething melodrama,

where just him touching her or her touching him,

that becomes as much as a kiss.

- A kiss becomes a shag. - You get electricity.

- Can I have this? - Yeah.

- When do you finish? - I don't know. We could share it.

Ricky and Steve worked hard to get that right.

It could have been embarrassing or simply not worked.

The first time I got Tim and Dawn was after seeing the last episode

on the re-runs the other week,

and for the first time I knew why people got upset about that.

My mum rang me in tears.

It's not just a farcical comedy.

There's poignant bits in it that people care about.

When Gareth thinks that David Brent might be leaving and he breaks down.

That's it, then, is it? The old team on the scrap heap?

(MACKENZIE) Poor old Gareth.

He's a wally... but, yeah, I'm fond of him.

- (GARETH) This is stupid - Yeah, it is. This is stupid.

Sorry. What do you want?

(MARTIN) Laurel and Hardy references

came out a little bit in Tim's looks to camera,

not that they're completely Ollie-esque.

I never went... Mmm!

I was working last night on something,

and I actually couldn't stop doing it.

I think it might ruin my career. So, you won't be seeing me again.

Everything I do now, I can't stop going...

Like that, which is a problem for any actor.

The other people in the office,

which weren't particularly main characters,

but rather than get extras, they were all proper actors.

Hello, you're through to Keith...

(STEPHEN) Ewan was a real treat.

He was given a few lines, and had this whole character

of this deadpan... I don't know if it's real...

We still don't know whether that was his best naturalistic acting,

and we just found it funny, or he knew what he was doing.

I'd like to think he knew, 'cause it's great.

He won't mind me saying - he's a freak.

A hundred years ago, he wouldn't be in telly -

not only because it hadn't been invented.

One of my favourite scenes is in the smoking room, this tight shot.

He eats a Scotch egg at the end. His performance is impeccable.

- What did you watch last night? - A video.

- I watched "Peak Practice". - Never seen it.

- Bloody repeat. - Annoying, isn't it?

Not for me. I hadn't seen it.

Boring, isn't it? Just staying in watching "Peak Practice"?

- Mmm... Yeah. - Not for me. I like it.

I just stayed in and had a big wank.

Yeah, that scene was... It was very hard.

The arm came up on the same point every time to eat the Scotch egg,

and Martin could see that.

Once you think something's funny, you're done.

After about five takes, I looked through

and Ash and Ricky and Steve were all going, "Come on. Come on."

I thought, "I might not actually manage this."

Boring, isn't it? Just staying in watching "Peak Practice"?

- Yeah. - Not for me. I like it.

I just stayed...

(LAUGHTER)

(MAN) That was so good!

Boring, isn't it? Just staying in watching "Peak Practice"?

- Yeah. - Not for me. I like it.

I just stayed in and had a big w...

(LAUGHTER AND SHOUTING)

Not for me. I like it.

Well, I just...

Boring, isn't it? Just staying in watching "Peak Practice"?

- Yeah. - Not for me. I like it.

- I stayed in and had a big wank. - (COUGHS)

Boring, isn't it? Just sitting in watching "Peak Practice"?

- Yeah. - Not for me. I like it.

(LAUGHTER)

Ricky likes to remind me that it took 13 takes.

Just walking down a corridor for him took about 40, you know what I mean?

I knew when he was going to go, because he would suddenly go...

and his face would just do that.

What's the difference?

(MAN) A dwarf has disproportionately short arms and legs.

I'm so sorry.

We've been saying that word for an hour and suddenly it was funny.

I couldn't take it. Suddenly, the word "midget" was... remarkably funny.

- Right. Here we go. - (WOMAN) And...

- Action. - What's the difference?

(MAN) A dwarf has disproportionately short arms and legs.

- (WOMAN) Cut there. - What am I going to do?

What's the difference?

(MAN) A dwarf has disproportionately short arms and legs.

God Almighty. I am so sorry.

(WOMAN) And action.

God... OK, wait a minute.

Sorry, Jo.

- (JO) And action. - What's the difference?

(MAN) A dwarf has disproportionately short arms and legs.

I've no idea how to do this.

- (JO) Action. - What's the difference?

- A dwarf... - Fucking hell!

You think you'll never be able to do it.

You think, "If I never do this, what happens? Do we run over by a year?

"What would happen?" It panics you.

Yeah, TV's Ricky Gervais is... not autistic,

but he is like a sort of...

not even like a girl - that's an insult, too...

A... What's the PC word for "giggling buffoon"?

The scene where... (GIGGLES AND SNORTS)

Dawn is eating her lunch. She's just eating a sandwich.

She's really minding her own business, and David comes up.

I had a bit of a scare earlier.

- Did you? - I thought I found a lump.

I examine myself regularly. It's fine, but... terrifying,

testicular cancer... cancer of the old testicles.

What's that? (GIGGLES)

(STEPHEN) Oh, God! That was a great one.

- (RICKY) We'll do it again. Damn! - What made you go?

(STEPHEN) Nobody whatsoever move.

- (MAN) It was my fault. - (STEPHEN) No, it was mine.

He can barely get through a take

without being so impressed by his writing genius

that he ruins it with laughing.

He doesn't even have the humility to say it isn't that funny.

It's like, "I am a genius. I'll ruin the take... oh, again," you know?

He's not based on any one person.

He's a Frankenstein of all those types, those bosses from hell.

The whole programme is basically nailing types and observations.

It's very much ticking off office observations,

and David is one of those.

The most important one, sure, but just one... the main one.

People have said to us that David Brent is rubbish and should be fired.

If you walk around the BBC for a day,

you see people who are rubbish keep their jobs.

In very important jobs, too. We're talking executives.

The only analogy I can use is the marsupial survives in Australia

because there were no predators, and that's the BBC.

No one has come in from outside and gone, "What are you doing?"

John Harvey-Jones would decimate it.

- There'd just be me and Steve. - Yeah, doing a lot. Plate spinning.

- Why isn't variety still as big? - I wish it would come back.

You don't see enough song and dance men.

Do people go into plate spinning, or is it handed down?

"Son, I've broken a couple, but these are yours."

- "I'm going to be a doctor..." - It's not as popular now.

I don't think they are that unsympathetic.

I think Brent you should feel sorry for.

Gareth is... He's a right wally,

but, you know, he's all right, really. He's harmless.

The only person you could, in real life, not like

is probably Finch, Chris Finch, because he's a bully.

He says funny things and you laugh, then you go, "It's my turn soon."

People say, "Brent's such a bastard," but he's not, he's a tit.

He's a twerp. He's a knob.

He's all those things, he's a twerty-tit-knob.

- Exactly. - A twerty-tit-knob.

I like bosses like that, because you get away with murder.

All you do is laugh at their jokes,

invite them to one in five drinks and that's it, he's your mate.

It's like teachers. You soon learn that you can go,

"Mr Morris, what's your bike?"

And he'll go, "Well, we... It's a Harley-Davidson..."

You've got through the lesson. It's just getting on their good side,

because they're not malicious, and very often, they want a mate.

I don't mean they want to impregnate you.

- Is that a story? - Well...

I was always told, doing English "O" Level, write about what you know,

and it's so true, it's so much easier.

That's why you want our next project to be set in a futuristic prison.

Well, yeah. I've been... It's called "Brain Jail",

and it's only your own conscience that keeps you there,

because that's what it'll be like.

I'm working out as well.

I don't want to use the same body I used for Brent, because...

Well, he's very flabby and doesn't look so good in a vest.

He is. He's a flabby... bloke, Brent, but this one won't be.

Not just flabby. Fat. Downright fat. A bit of a bloater.

Whereas Scott Carson... Crime he didn't commit,

probably saving some people from a burning building,

but he broke a rubbish future law

where you can't have your own thoughts.

- "Brain Jail!" - "I downloaded my own feelings."

I wish you could get your dead wife's memories and bring her back to life.

But the evil bloke, who wasn't even voted in...

- Not Zordon? - He's got it on floppy disc.

Except it's not even a floppy disc by then, it's a floppy... dot.

It's like a little dot that floats.

It's as good as written.

- It's as good as Dickens. - Loser.

There wasn't much improvised in the making of it.

Most of it was there in the script.

As a tribute to the writing, it's writing that sounds improvised.

The script comes out of improvisation, anyway.

As we're writing, we're doing it,

so we're very careful about the dialogue and realism of that.

It seems more improvised than it is.

But within that, there would be times that Ricky or Steve would come to us

and say, "We need a scene quickly, a bridge from that scene to this one."

One of the times, we had to do flirting improvising.

I thought... Because I love my hair being played with,

so I thought, "I'll incorporate that. He can't say no on camera."

So, basically, he had to play with my hair, which was really nice.

- Oh, bless. - Sorry, I touched your head.

- (STEPHEN) Cut there. - Carry on. Do my hair.

I'll do that more in the next series.

I might have a massage or something.

I'd never thought of that. Great.

Everyone knew their characters so well that it was easy to ad lib,

like where David's on the phone apparently firing Chris Finch,

and Jennifer presses the button, and it's the speaking clock.

- Pathetic. - Is it?

(SPEAKING CLOCK MESSAGE)

I checked my watch. I thought that's the Gareth thing to do.

He checks that it is the right time.

Just filming what's funny is all you need to do.

You don't need to get clever.

Just filming Ricky Gervais's fat, funny face is bloody hilarious.

- Four-eyes. - Don't start on me.

- You goggle-eyed freak. - That's not fair, because I...

Also, when you say fat face, this is a condition.

- What condition? - Greed.

So, before you insult someone, it may be medically... cheese.

- Right. - I'm suffering from Cheddar.

Well, yesterday, in fact, on the tube, someone said to me,

"All right, Gareth. Where's Ricky?"

I'm like, "Why do I get called Gareth and he gets called by his real name?

"And he doesn't travel on the tube any more."

When I first started filming the pilot episode,

Ash had said to me... He knew my dad was Jasper Carrott,

and he said, "When did you change your name to Davis."

I said, "What made you think Davis was the made-up name?"

People have been asking for autographs,

and... you know, they want me to write something funny,

so I found myself writing, "I could catch a monkey. Love, Mackenzie."

Great. That'll be worth something.

Er... A lot of people who look at this extra footage in DVDs are nerds.

- Yeah, geeks. Sure. - Geeks and losers, yeah.

- Watching this on a sunny day. - Yeah, curtains drawn.

Spotty fat git. So, we'll give them some behind-the-scenes nuggets.

- Interesting stuff. Not to us. - To them, interesting.

- Erm, what's interesting? - Your dad.

The guy who comes in in episode six and just stares at the camera,

and who also appears later at the party, he's my real father.

His name's Ron and my mother's Elaine, like Donna's parents.

...daughter of my best friends Ron and Elaine...

The guy that Ricky's interviewing at the beginning of episode one

is the guy he's firing at the end in episode six.

- Fascinating. - Oh, you know?

You've picked up on it. You know Gareth?

That's not his real name. His name is Mackenzie Crook and he's an actor.

- Yeah. - So...

And you know where I meet Ricky and pretend I haven't met him before?

I have. I cast him. He's an actor. He's been in other stuff.

- Yeah. - An illusion, isn't it?

Yeah, you know... You're getting a bit confused,

because it's obviously not a real office.

What's happened to it? Bankrupt?

- No one wants paper any more... Go on. - No, it's fake. It's a set.

- What do they sell? - Who?

- All the people that work there. - They're actors.

Temping. Acting's hard. Most of the time, they work in offices.

- Can we switch off? - I need a Scotch egg.

He needs to lie down.

Can we get Ricky Gervais's hammock?

I'd love a hammock.