All language subtitles for FUBAR.S01E02.Stole.Train.720p.NF.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.Atmos.H.264-WDYM

[tense music playing]

Do you have any idea
how much pain you've caused me?

I trusted you...

like family.

Who are you?

Tell me who you're working with.

The girl.

- No.
- [William] Sarah!

[guard] Stay back. Get back.

Tell me, or I put a bullet
where you don't want one to go.

- [Sarah] Mommy!
- And it'll be your own doing, not mine.

You would hurt a little child?

You're a coward, just like your father.

My father was a brave man.

A great man. My father...

Was begging me for his life
before I threw him off that cliff.

I knew you were stupid, but my God...

A terrain you walked
a thousand times, firm soil,

then all of a sudden,
the earth gave away on the ridge?

Bullshit.

I held him by his collar over the edge.

He was crying like a little baby.

He was begging me for his life.

Even pissed himself.

I will torture you all!

The women, this child,

days of agony until I tire of it!

I'm stupid?

Why in God's name
would you tell me what you did?

To buy time.

[helicopter blades whirring]

- [triumphant music playing]
- [Sarah screams]

[Boro] Go!

[tense music playing]

[music intensifies]

[man grunts]

[grunts]

Go!

Whoo!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Ah!

[grunts]

[Barry] You better run!

[screaming]

The power!

Oh no! [winces]

[Barry screaming]

[ominous music playing]

- [man grunts]
- [music ends]

[slow instrumental music playing]

Thanks.

Highest marksmanship score in my class.

[music ends]

No.

Take the assignment or take termination.
Your call.

All due respect, Director,
this is a huge mistake.

He doesn't listen to me.
He doesn't respect me as an officer.

He sees me as a kid.

This will only hurt the case
I've been working for a year now.

Tell her.

Your father knows Boro's history.
You know Boro's present.

He's not giving up on
this WMD dream of his.

You two working together

increases our chance of finding Boro
when he raises his head again.

And truthfully,
I think this'd be good for both of you.

Judas.

Can't believe I took your name
at my confirmation.

Emma Bartholomina Brunner,
you take that back.

[door closes]

Uncalled for.

I was a great godfather,
and I'm not even Italian.

I had a retirement plan.

[Dot] We had a plan too,

to capture Boro.

But now he's in the wind,

and the best way to run him down
is for you both to work together.

I don't know if we can.

Emma's very good. You saw that.

She's fearless.
She's got incredible instincts.

She really could be
one of the best we've ever had.

But she's your kid,

so that means she also takes stupid risks,
she's hot-headed, thick-headed,

thinks she can do everything by herself.

Maybe working with you

has the side benefit
of helping her develop as an operative.

Honestly, Luke, she scares me sometimes.

Come on, all young field officers
are kind of cocky.

[director] Not like her.

We contacted her last week

to let her know there were whispers
things were going sideways,

she should pull out of Guyana.

She refused.

She said she was gathering great intel.

She was too close
to getting the nuke out of there.

We didn't lose communication
with her, Luke.

She turned off her comms,

insubordination
that could have resulted in you

and her and three other officers
being killed.

We need her on this case,
but not on her own.

I want you to lead the team
to go after Boro.

You, Emma, Barry, Aldon, Roo.

I don't think this is gonna work.

I feel like I don't even know her anymore.

What better way to learn
than by saving the world together?

[upbeat instrumental music playing]

[Luke sighs]

[sighs] All right.

Oh, Barry,

don't go into the field again.

You could have gotten hurt.

See? I knew we were still friends.

Say it.

Say we still friends.

How are you feeling?

It's just a graze.
Sling will be gone tomorrow.

I'm talking about us working together.

Oh.

That feels worse than the gunshot.

What is your problem?

You are.

I can't trust you anymore,
and I have to work with you.

Well, I can't trust you.

I mean, who are you?

Did you even like
the Sunday Funday bake-offs?

- Sometimes. Sometimes I hated them.
- Oh.

I was pretending for so long,
I can't even remember anymore.

And, you know, the only place
I didn't have to perform was work,

but now here you are,
and you've ruined my only escape.

What about you? What was real about you?

Well, for one, my retirement.

I was supposed to be done
with all of this.

I was supposed to get my ship
and your mom back.

You actually thought that would happen?

Well, I had a shot.

Right. Okay, sure. [chuckles]

Just do me a favor.

I've been working Boro a long time.

Don't screw up this case
the way you screwed up our family.

I can't believe this.

[light rock music playing]

Pickle's in the pantry?

Jelly is almost in the jar.

- But I gotta say, I wish it wasn't.
- Why?

'Cause jelly is sticky,
and sticky is messy,

and messy is a problem
when you're committing a crime.

I would not do well in prison.

You would make a lot of friends
in prison. Trust me.

- That's not funny.
- [computer beeps]

Okay, we're almost connected to the Wi-Fi.

Let's just hope he left his laptop open.

Is that his mail?

No.

It says "Donatello Luna" right on it.
You promised one felony.

Hosenscheisser.

It's only a felony if you open it.

He's paying for Cinemax?

I knew he was a pervert.

It's not just Skinemax now.
It's quality programming.

What do you know about that?
You only watch cartoons.

I know I got a call
from our pal in MI6 today.

No chatter from Boro,
waiting to hear from the Australians,

but so far no sign of him.

- [computer beeps]
- Oh!

We are in, and his laptop is open.

Operation Don Juan is a go.

♪ What goes up ♪

♪ Must come down ♪

♪ Spinnin' wheel got to go 'round ♪

♪ Talkin' 'bout your troubles
It's a cryin' sin ♪

♪ Ride a painted pony... ♪

Five-second rule.

How can a woman that was married
to a guy like me date such a schmuck?

Tally also has a temper.

She find out we spying on her boyfriend,
I'm selling your Austrian butt downriver.

I was never here.

You're just trying to protect the family.

We know nothing about this guy.

He could be a creep.

And what if he's a creep
that wants to harm Tally?

Okay, let's KGB him.

Hey, Oscar. What's up, kid?

Why is my son calling this schmuck?

I am 100% serious.

I think MyAisles is a fantastic idea,

and I just hope my investment
will help you get it off the ground, pal.

He's investing in my son's stupid app?

I mean,
this guy is dumber than I thought he is.

He's not dumb.
He's scoring brownie points from Mrs. B.

- He's trying to cuckold me.
- That's definitely not what I was saying.

Well, he's trying to use my son
to cuckold me.

I don't think it means what you think.

It comes from the cuckoo bird.

When one bird takes over
another bird's family.

There are a thousand online videos
that would definitely disagree with you.

Okay. See you at family dinner tonight.

I wasn't even invited to the dinner.

I mean, he's trying to replace me.

He's cuckolding the entire family.

Please stop saying that.

[phone chimes]

Meeting has been moved up.
We have to go to HQ. Let's go.

We're dropping these
at Donnie's mailbox on the way.

[in German] Goody two-shoes.

- [in English] What?
- Nothing.

So the doctor said,
yeah, got full range of motion

and probably shouldn't even scar.

[Carter] That's great.
I'm glad you're okay.

Here's my question.

How the heck did a donkey kick that high?

It's...

- I don't know. Hell of a kick though.
- Mm.

- Giants should sign him.
- [chuckles]

Well, listen, I've got the perfect
R & R day set for you.

This kid here made my mother's gazpacho,

and I also just downloaded
some very, very rare Lee Fields tracks

that were recorded out in a church.

That sounds amazing.

- Agreed.
- That's... so fun.

- Um, I had an idea.
- Lay it on me.

Okay. So I heard about this escape room

where they hook up
small battery packs to you,

and if you don't get out in time,
they send you a little shock.

But it doesn't hurt. It just...

I don't know,
It just makes it so much more...

Terrifying.

I don't know if that seems like
an "us" activity, maybe.

Um, but speaking of us,
I'm teaching my kids about Rube Goldberg,

and I enlisted their aid,
got them to help me build...

Oh!

...something for us.

- Ta-da.
- [laughs] This is amazing.

Crazy, eh? So here, um,

put the marble in the funnel.

[Emma chuckles]

In... In here? Okay. [chuckles]

[Emma gasps]

[Carter] Yeah.

- Yeah, yes. And...
- [laughing]

- [bell dings]
- Yeah!

- Yeah!
- I love it.

I love you.

Your father.

- Not what I'm thinking about right now.
- No, I just saw your father.

[phone chimes, vibrates]

Probably just dropping off gym equipment.

It's work. I gotta go.

Okay. Um, what time do you wanna
pick me up tomorrow?

For what?

Antiques Roadshow.

Oh yeah. No, I'm sorry, um,

I lost track of days.

Um, tomorrow.
Can we talk about it tonight?

- Yeah, sure.
- Okay. Okay.

- It'll be so great. I'm really excited.
- Yeah, same.

- All right.
- Love you.

All right, bye-bye. See ya.

All that work
for just that... three seconds.

[suspenseful music playing]

Premium wax.

[scanner beeping]

[upbeat dramatic music playing]

[phone chimes]

[lever disengages]

[radio beeps]

[woman] Identities authenticated.

Welcome, Officer Luke Brunner.

Welcome, Officer Bartholomew Putt.

You are currently 0.4 miles

from the CIA regional office
subterranean entrance.

Hey, what were you two doing
in Donatello's neighborhood?

- Well, good morning to you too.
- Answer the question.

Keeping up our cover,
delivering gym equipment.

In your car?

Why? It was just a box
of resistance bands.

I don't need a truck for that.

Is that true, Uncle Barry?

It's absolutely true.

You don't need a truck
to deliver a box of resistance bands.

- How about that? Oh.
- Oh, the pugilists have entered the ring.

This is my seat.

Since when?

Since every briefing
I've ever had in this room.

Well, me too.

Take Your Daughter to Work Day
is going well.

[Luke groans]

[Dot] Sit. Everyone.

Now.

Oh, did Luke Brunner just back down?

I don't think I like this young lady.

After you took the nuclear device
from Lape Pa Lanmo,

they scattered like roaches.

We tracked Boro's seaplane
taking off from Port Georgetown,

but we lost him when he flew into a storm
west of Puerto Rico.

So Boro sleeps with the fishes.

- No.
- That's what he wants us to think.

He figured we'd track his plane.

- He intentionally flies into a storm.
- [Emma] Then turns his transponder off.

[Luke] So that we'd believe he crashed.

Knowing we'd know an airplane that small

wouldn't leave a debris field big enough
for us to find him.

Like the CIA, Boro hires the best pilots.
He's still alive.

We think so too.

Based on the average rate of speed
of a single-engine aircraft,

its fuel consumption,

factoring in weather conditions

that increase drag
and reduce aeronautic efficiencies,

his first refuel
would have been in this area.

And if he wanted to avoid the storm,
which was moving westerly,

he's headed in this direction here.

It's simple math and a wiener.

[air hissing]

[handle clanking]

- You just have to pump it up.
- I am pumping it.

You have to pump it harder.

That's what she said.
That's the name of my porno.

That's what I told my doctor.

Monet had his watercolors,
you have your double entendres.

- [Emma] Dad, I've got it.
- I can fix it.

- I know what I'm doing.
- Almost there.

- [air hissing]
- [Luke sighs]

May we continue?

- Sorry.
- Sorry, Director.

We've been working with our allies
in an attempt

to find and free Lape Pa Lanmo's
substantial assets,

to cripple their ability to operate.

We have to do more than that.

It's very clear that Boro's driving need
is to live up to his father's legacy.

He even told me that himself
at the compound.

Wrong.

This is all about ego.
Boro can't lose face.

Can't lose even a drop
of the power he's amassed.

Not everything a child does
is about their father.

Well, whatever his motivation,
Boro is moving forward.

- Tina?
- [Tina clears throat]

This is Tina Mukerji,
an analyst on loan from the NSA.

First of all,
an honor to be working with you.

Kiss-ass.

[Tina clears throat]

Well, we've been picking up some chatter
that, uh, Boro's nuke auction is still on.

But we have the device.

That's right. So we can only assume...

He's gonna make a new one... and do it fast.

His ego won't let him sit
on a loss for long,

especially with all of Lape Pa Lanmo

waiting to see what he does next
after Guyana.

But how can he possibly accomplish this?

Fissionable nuclear material
is well protected

and extremely difficult to come by.

It's not like you can get it
at a Duane Reade.

Boro will find a way.

- He's very tenacious.
- Obsessed.

If he cannot find anything fissionable,
he will pivot.

Steal something less protected.

Like radioactive waste, maybe.

That's a possibility,

but how does he assimilate that
into a suitcase nuke?

Who knows?

But I've seen him work.
He's a brilliant problem solver.

Wharton-trained.

Yeah. I'd hate to be the guy dumb enough
to have paid for that education.

Following up on Roo's theory,
if he's heading in this direction...

We focus on Eastern Europe
and Central Asia.

They have less regulations
for how radioactive waste is handled.

[Luke] Former Soviet Bloc countries.

Places difficult for us to get to
and places where he feels safe.

Tina, you're on it.

Yes, Ms. Mukerji will be joining us.

NSA's been hunting Boro as well,
and we're pooling resources.

- Man.
- Okay, that's it.

You're dismissed,

unless your name is Brunner.

[Roo sighs]

Can't believe we have to work
with the NSA.

NSA, Never Solve Anything.

Nerds Suck Ass.

I don't know. She seems okay.

Don't ever take sides with anyone
against the family again.

You can't just give him authority
over my case.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the hell are you talking about?

I've been working undercover for 40 years.

No one gives me anything.

I get it the old-fashioned way. I earn it.

Your father has more
field experience than you.

He's the logical choice
to command the team.

I told you, he treats me like a child.

How are we supposed to work together?

That's a reasonable question.
Here's your answer.

Operational psychologist,
Dr. Louis Pfeffer.

I called him in from D.C.
to be in-house analyst on the Boro matter,

and to work with the two of you
in particular.

He will be conducting your mandatory
joint therapy sessions.

- Absolutely not.
- No. No way.

[Dot] It's not up for debate.

The two of you spent most of your time
in Guyana at each other's throats.

You barely got out of there alive.

If the two of you are gonna work together,
you need to be able to work together.

And I don't mean some of the time.
I mean all of the time.

I know you're not thrilled,
but I assure you, you need my help.

Please, you don't even know us.

[laughs] Sure about that?

I knew neither of you would back down
over the faulty chair I planted.

Also knew that your pathologies
would play out exactly as they did.

You wouldn't accept help from your father
even though you needed it.

And you were so intent
on solving the problem,

you didn't listen to her telling you
that she needed to solve it herself.

You both complement each other
incredibly well.

I just saw the two of you
break down scenarios rapid fire.

You're both of the same mind

because you're drawn in
by the facts of the case

when you forgot about egos.

Your dynamic is written about extensively
in my predictive paper.

Oh.

Now "Pfeiffer," isn't the correct
German pronunciation Pfeffer?

When my grandparents came over,
they Americanized it.

- Oh.
- Mm.

Well, then in English,
it would actually be called "Pepper."

So maybe you should be called Dr. Pepper.

Yes, and I've heard all the jokes.

I'm not gonna make jokes about your name,
but we're gonna crush the therapy session.

Together, I think we can climb
this mountain. Do you?

I see what you're doing.

You're inserting soda names
into the conversation.

I have no idea
what the hell you're talking about.

You must be fanta-sizing.

Shasta.

This will be difficult.
They're both dickheads.

Yeah, we've seriously
never missed an episode.

It's true. We play along.

How do you play Antiques Roadshow?

- Guess the appraisal.
- Oh.

Yeah, it's basically like
a thinking man's Price is Right.

You learn history, art, science.

I... I actually use it to teach my students.

Very innovative, Carter.

- Those kids are lucky to have you.
- [doorbell rings]

- Thank you.
- I got it.

So how long is the show in town for?

[splutters] One day only.

I'm gonna take my Nana Pat's clock.

It needs to be re-stained,
but aside from that, it's perfect.

[woman] Hm.

[light instrumental music playing]

What are you doing here?

I needed to get something.

Uh, yeah, a clue.

You can't just barge in here,
especially now, given our situation.

If any of them
were to pick up on anything...

No one is gonna pick up anything from me.
I'm a professional.

For the record,
I told him this was a bad idea.

[Tally] Do I hear Luke?

Daddy's here. [giggles]

- [Romi] Oh yay.
- Well, hello, family.

- [Romi] Hi.
- Oh.

- Hi, Tally. How are you?
- Hey.

[Luke] So good to see you.

- Donald.
- Donatello, actually. But Donnie's great.

Been a while.

That's quite a handshake you have, Luke.

I knew you sold gym equipment,
didn't know you used it.

Gotta get on a program myself. [chuckles]

Well, just come by the shop.
I'll put you through the wringer.

- Donnie. It is good to see you again.
- [Donnie] Barry.

This reminds me. I got something for you.

What are you doing here?

Just borrowing the table saw.

Sandy, how are you?

- [Sandy] All good.
- It's so good to see you.

- [Sandy] Good to see you.
- Oh, look at this. Oscar.

Hello, my darling.

- Hi, Pee-Pa.
- Hey.

You're not finishing your food?

This is Grandma's special lasagna.

Yeah, she's just beat from school.
Kid comes home wiped out, don't ya?

I'm fluffin' tired.

[Carter laughs]

- What?
- I'm sorry, what did you say?

Oh, nothing. It's just that
I jammed my toe the other day,

and I said, "My fluffin' toe."

It's just I didn't want to say
the other word in front of her, you know?

They shouldn't grow up with bad language.

I hate when young ladies... curse.

Kind of late in the day, isn't it?

So weird you need a table saw right now.
[chuckles]

Well...

Actually... [clears throat]

...I need it.

I am building a life-size... Boba Fett lamp.

Oh.

Big.

Speaking of building things,
Oscar, how's your app coming along?

Great. Don's investing.

If you stay on the sidelines,
you'll miss out.

Yeah, bankruptcy.

Okay, Barry, here you go.

Ice cream cupcakes with crunchies.

- Seriously?
- Yeah. I...

I was at the supermarket the other day.
I saw them and thought of you.

I said, "I'll pop 'em in the freezer
till the next time you come over."

Well, Barry actually has
a heart condition,

and this would kill him.

Don't worry, there's a homeless guy
living right down the street from me.

He's always hungry.

Luke, can I talk to you?

- Of course.
- [Tally] Good. Come.

[Barry]
It's the thought that counts, right?

Would you wanna stay?

[chuckles] Are you kidding me?

I love your lasagna.

Fine. Then just be honest

and admit you didn't come here
for the table saw.

[light instrumental music playing]

[garage door closing]

Son of a bitch
is cuckolding my entire family.

Now he's using your stupid cupcakes
to cuckold you too.

When you look it up online,
you gonna be really upset with yourself.

[bushes rustle]

Man...

Just put the tracker on his car.

[mumbling] "Put the tracker on his car."

[music ends]

Put these on.

- What kind of a therapy is this?
- The mandated kind.

My techniques are untraditional
but effective. Trust me.

Good.

Zip.

You have to zip it.

All the way.

Wonderful.

Now hug each other.

If I don't sign a paper

saying you completed this session
to the best of your abilities,

you'll both get a desk in the basement

responding to
Freedom of Information requests.

Now hug.

[Emma grunts]

- [Emma grunts]
- [Dr. Pfeffer chuckles]

You can't, can you?

Electromagnets in the vest.

Like polarities are repelling you.

I'm gonna need to see your diploma.

I have a PhD from Yale
and a BS from Stanford.

Well, we can guess what the BS stands for.

The vests are a metaphor.

You're both stubborn and intractable.

Your like personalities are repelling you.

But if you just let all that go...

[Luke grunts]

Stuck together like tacos and Tuesday.

This is beyond stupid.

This is your homework.

I want you to wear the vest
for ten minutes a day.

Look into each other's eyes,

and listen to what each other has to say.

There's no getting away.

There's no avoidance.

Start now.

[phones chime, vibrate]

Tina found something.

[grunts] Yep, gotta go.

Thank you. I feel so much better.

Don't forget to sign the paper.

Turns out Central Asia's the play.

Tina?

A source spotted Boro's
right-hand man, Cain Khan.

I can't hear you.

[clears throat]

Cain Khan, uh,
he arrived in Kazakhstan yesterday,

two days before nuclear waste
from the AHTR reactor

is scheduled to be moved via train
to long-term storage.

What's the material?

Cesium 137.

- Oh boy.
- How much are we talking about?

Tanker-car full.

Enough to make a major city
glow in the dark for a few dozen years.

And they're transporting it by rail?

High-speed maglev to be precise.
We helped them build it.

Congress sold it as a friendship train
to repair relations between our countries.

And how did that go?

Well, they still hate us.

Fluff them.

Barry told us.

[Aldon] They're putting nuclear waste
on a bullet train?

[Roo] Actually it's safer.

Maglev trains
are nearly impossible to derail

because of the repel factor.

Further the train moves from the track,
the stronger it's pushed back,

creating a consistent stasis.

Assuming Boro's guys are gonna hit it,
how would they do it?

Security is tight loading and unloading.
It'll have to be en route.

Okay, so the great bullet train robbery.

How do you stick up a train
that's going 150 miles per hour?

You don't.

You stop it.

Right here at this bend
through the Kazakh hills.

A perfect choke point.

Stop the train,

suck the waste into a tanker truck,
and they're gone in minutes.

Okay. Okay.

So to prevent that from happening,

we'll put Luke and Emma undercover
as passengers on the train.

Passengers on a train with nuclear waste?

It's not uncommon.
Britain does it all the time.

Conductor in the front, tanker behind,
passenger cars the rest of the way.

Miss Russell and I?

There's a depot at the end of the line.

The train's emergency shutoff
is located there.

That's how we think Boro
might get the train to stop.

Good chance with an inside man.

So you will go on as US inspectors.

Part of the deal with giving them
the train is periodic oversight.

Copy that.

So Barry and Tina
will quarterback from Merry Fitness.

The rest of you, grab your covers,
grab your gear, head to the plane.

Wheels up at 9:00 p.m.

9:00 p.m.

9:00 p.m.

[percussive music builds, ends]

How's your cover?

[Emma] Anna Fettisov,

a Kazakh student studying literature
at the Suleyman Demirel University.

Dmitriy Gorchev,

taking the train
to visit my sister in Nur-Sultan,

and gonna go fishing also.

That gum will get you killed.

This is the gum of choice in Kazakhstan.

It was until wildfires
disrupted the supply chain

of the root that's used
to make black licorice,

which drove the price of a pack sky-high.

Only government-connected people
or the very rich would have it.

Get rid of it.

Well, thanks.

That was a great catch.

You're welcome.

[phone ringing]

I'm gonna take this.

Hey.

Are you on the red-eye yet?

Uh, about to take off. How'd Roadshow go?

Well, Nana Pat's clock's a piece of shit.

It's a reproduction made in the '60s.

[groans]

I'm sorry, babe.

But, you know,
you weren't gonna sell it anyway.

Yeah, fine,

but she always said it was an antique
passed down through generations.

I mean, it's weird she'd lie about that.

Well, maybe she just wanted
to make it more special for you.

I mean, I guess.

I just... I don't know,
being lied to by somebody I love,

it's a weird combo meal
of sucky and surprising.

Anyway, good luck in Libya. Love you.

[splutters] Yeah, love you too.

[bass guitar music playing]

[Roo] Are you shittin' me?

What?

Every time, every single time,

you always look like
you stepped out of James Bond's closet,

while I get the Hillary Clinton
Walmart collection.

Oh, come on. You look very sharp.

Thanks, Grandpa.

You got any Werther's Originals
you wanna spare?

[Aldon] What about you, huh?

Think I look sharp?

[speaking Kazakh]

[in English] That's Kazakh for,
"Why the long face, super lady?"

I feel bad. I blew off my boyfriend again.

Well, you know who's upset when I leave
for an op at a moment's notice?

Nobody.

Only way to do this job
is to don't get attached.

I didn't ask for any advice.

No, it's not advice.

Like casual hookups, they work.

But relationships, CIA is tough on 'em.

Tell me about it.

[dramatic music playing]

[tense music playing]

Barry?

Bat's in the belfry?

[Luke] Honey's in the hive.

Operation Training Day is a go.

Anyone else online yet?

- Ain't nobody here but us chickens.
- [Luke] Good.

Just want you to multitask, okay?

And keep an eye on Operation Don Juan.

What's Operation Don Juan?

Um, that's classified.

Classified,
or secret 'cause it's about Donatello?

I have other cases besides this one.

Happens to be a Don Juan
who's a gun runner from San Juan.

- Oh.
- It is a... need-to-know basis.

If you don't need, you don't know.

Fine.

Where were you?

[grunts] Stopped at a kiosk
to buy something for Carter.

Well, that's nice. What did you get him?

It's need-to-know.

Do you have to be that sassy?

I mean, I miss my good girl.

I miss my loser
gym-equipment-salesman dad.

Oh, just do a sweep.

I mean,
Boro maybe has an agent on the train.

Check her out. Combat boots
don't exactly go with the outfit.

But they're terrific
for the cold and the mud.

Maybe she's just practical.

How about the case behind you?

There might be a weapon in there.

Copy that. What about him?

[Luke] Knuckles are bruised on both hands.

Maybe a hired muscle.

He's eating a BLT.

Ethnic Kazakhs don't eat pork.

- Let's take him out.
- No.

He might be an immigrant.

Or he could be a Boro plant.

Could be, but we have to make sure.

And as leading officer, I say we wait.

- [man in Kazakh] Who the hell are you?
- Agents Starsky and Hutch.

We're inspectors
with the US State Department.

No need to get up.

You speak English?

- [in English] Yeah. Yeah.
- Good.

'Cause we're just here
to observe and report.

[Roo] You know the expression
"you break it, you buy it"?

Well, America has a different expression.

We bought it,
so y'all better not break it.

Now let's see you make this choo-choo
we paid for go chugga-chugga.

[in Kazakh] It's okay.

[in English] Pretend we're not here.
Do your thing,

and make sure the trains run on time.

[phone ringing]

[man in Russian]
The train's leaving the station.

[in English] Good job.

Oh, check it out. Suit looks like yours.

- Twinsies.
- [sighs]

Son of a bitch.

[dramatic music playing]

[chuckles]

It's funny.

What?

Genetics.

How we both are drawn
to the same line of work.

The Beatles and Flavor Flav
were drawn to the same line of work.

Were they the same?

I guess not.

What is Flavor Flav?

[laughing]

Hey, Tall. What's up?

No, I'm... I'm not doing a thing.

Yeah, I would love to come over.

Yeah.

Okay, bye.

♪ Midday booty call for Donnie Boy ♪

- ♪ Midday booty call ♪
- Oh.

That's not good.

What's not good?

Uh, uh... potato salad.

It's nasty. It's got... raisins in it.

[both chuckle]

- [computer beeping]
- Showtime.

Game on.
You're approaching the choke point.

Anything that might happen

is gonna happen soon.

[dramatic music playing]

Why aren't we stopping?

Hey, Barry, what the hell is going on?

Not sure. You're through the pass, buddy.

Haven't seen a climax this lame
since The Sixth Sense.

You knew Bruce Willis was dead?

He spends the whole movie
hanging out with a kid.

Who is he, Big Bird?

[helicopter blades whirring]

[Emma] It's a helicopter.

I knew we were right.

Hey, team,
he's attacking the train by chopper.

Dad, where's the sandwich guy?

Keep everyone down
and away from the windows.

[dramatic music continues]

[in Russian] Stay calm!
Everything is going to be okay.

- [gun fires]
- [passengers screaming]

[exhales]

[in English] Shit.

[in Russian] Everyone stay down!

[Luke] Emma.

[in English] The helicopter's attached
to the tanker car.

They're trying to pump out
the radioactive waste.

- And?
- And what?

And I was right about the BLT guy.

You have to listen to me
next time, please.

[Tina] I ran the numbers.

We have about 12 minutes
before those guys suck the tank dry

and Boro has what he needs
to make the bomb to end all bombs.

You gotta disconnect that hose.

- I'm on it.
- Where are you going?

To shoot down the helo.

[Tina] Negative.
The train is going through grain fields.

Kazakhstan is one of the world's
top producers.

If you take down that helicopter,

it's gonna aerosol nuclear waste
for miles.

It'll poison the land for generations.

It'll start a famine
that will kill millions.

- Is that all?
- Clock's ticking. We need a plan.

We gotta think this through.

We can't be hasty.

If we cannot disconnect the hose,

then we make them want to do it.

But how?

We speed up the train.

You're right.
What's the Chinook helicopter's top speed?

Uh, 188 miles per hour.

If the train goes faster than that,
they'll have to detach the helo.

Otherwise,
they'll spin out of control and die.

It's going at 150 miles per hour,
per passenger safety regulations,

but it redlines at 270.

We have a plan. You see?
Hotheads never have cool ideas.

Let's go.

[tense music playing]

- Speed up the train.
- I can't. It's too dangerous.

More dangerous than letting a terrorist
get nuclear material?

My responsibility
is for the safety of the passengers.

You know what? Um, you're right.
That's a... That's a big ask.

Can I have some of that gum?
That's my favorite kind.

It's just, you know,
it's gotten so expensive.

[Luke and Emma grunting]

[all grunting]

[Luke grunts]

[Emma exhales deeply]

You shouldn't chew this stuff.
It's bad for your teeth.

Big man, heard gunshots.
Give me a little somethin'.

We are screwed.

Not what I was looking for.

Conductor went night-night.

Aldon, Roo, how do we speed up this thing?

Excuse me, sir, we need your help.

No, not now. Something is wrong.
The train. I can't get hold of conductor.

Because the conductor is a terrorist.

We have two other American inspectors
on that train that just took him out.

Your train is under attack.
The only way to save it is to speed it up.

Look, Moby, if we were bad guys,

we would've tried to kill you
as soon as we got in here.

We are clearly trying to save this train,
not crash it.

I... I can't speed train from here.
Only turn power off and on.

- They need to use manual override.
- What does it look like?

[man] It's a panel with a large red button
beside a key switch.

- [Aldon] You got that?
- Kind of.

- [Aldon] What's wrong?
- The override has been overridden.

Guys, Tina says there still might be a way
to crank up the speed.

Well, how?

Physics. Says right here
maglevs run on super cold magnets.

The colder the magnet,
the higher the speed.

Nerd's not wrong.

You can pump more coolant into the system,
but the ratio would have to be dead-on.

Pulling up schematics now.

[phone vibrates]

It's Mom. She says it's urgent. It's fine.

Guys, there should be a floor panel
right near you, by the door.

Okay, I'll take care of this.

You call Mom. Urgent is urgent.

Hey, Mom, is everything okay?

Carter called. He's very upset.

That's why you're calling me
on a business trip?

About a stupid clock and a stupid show?

He was looking forward
to doing something with you,

and you ditched him for work again.

Honey, you don't wanna end up
like your dad and me.

I'll smooth it over when I get home, okay?

Good. Good, I hope so.

How's the job going?

Uh, you know, just dodging bullets

and trying to keep the whole thing
from blowing up in my face.

Yeah, I love you too, Mom.

Okay. Say hi to Donnie. Bye.

Hey, Barry, I need an update
on Operation Don Juan.

Urgent.

Ew.

Ready to flood the system?

[Luke] Affirmative.

[Roo] Careful!
Too much coolant means too much speed.

Too much speed, you can't stop the train
before it crashes into the depot.

Not enough,
Boro gets what he needs to make a bomb.

Gotta Mama Bear this thing.
Not too hot, not too cold, just right.

[groans] We have our comms in.

Why did we need these
as part of our disguise?

What are you talking about?

What are we, train inspectors

that are making hands-free phone calls
to our moms?

What? These are so cool.
Tony Robbins wears these.

How many coolant valves do I need to open?

My girl's calculating that now.

Four?!

- All right, I opened all four.
- [Aldon] What?

- Why did you open four?
- Because you said four.

I didn't say anything. Barry said four.

I was talking about Donatello!

He just took four Viagras!

I knew you were spying on him.
You're such a liar.

Four? Sounds like Donnie Boy's
going on a Tally rally.

I told Dot this would happen.

You always have to control things,

and now you put the mission at risk
so you could stalk Mom's boyfriend.

[Luke] It worked.

The chopper disconnected.

It couldn't keep up.

No way they got enough material
to make a bomb.

[computer beeping]

Uh-oh. Speedometer's blowing up
like Donnie's chinos.

You overcooled the magnets.

The train is going too fast to stop.

When it reaches the depot in Nur-Sultan,

everyone on board
and half the town will be killed.

Congratulations, Dad.
You made the world's largest dirty bomb.

[music builds, ends]

[closing theme playing]

[closing theme ends]