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1
00:00:30,322 --> 00:00:31,740
What's up?
2
00:00:33,492 --> 00:00:35,410
Davis, what's up?
3
00:00:36,411 --> 00:00:37,496
I'm home.
4
00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:40,457
I had to bring it back here.
5
00:00:40,999 --> 00:00:44,878
Netflix said, "Where do you want
to do the special? LA, Chicago, New York?"
6
00:00:44,962 --> 00:00:47,381
I was like, "Nah, son. Davis California."
7
00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:52,719
This has, um...
8
00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:55,889
This has been a very good year for me.
9
00:00:55,973 --> 00:00:57,933
I recently got married, you guys.
10
00:00:58,016 --> 00:00:59,726
Thank you, thank you.
11
00:01:00,310 --> 00:01:01,895
Thank you. I need the claps.
12
00:01:01,979 --> 00:01:04,106
It's a very heavy ring. Very heavy.
13
00:01:04,189 --> 00:01:06,650
It was a reverse
Lord of the Rings situation.
14
00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:08,819
I got a ring and then lost my powers,
15
00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:11,488
which is a very different
Lord of the Rings.
16
00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:13,865
"Listening? Compromise?
Take the ring, Sam."
17
00:01:13,949 --> 00:01:18,787
The movie is done in eight minutes.
It's not a 90-hour saga.
18
00:01:18,870 --> 00:01:21,331
We just celebrated
our one-year anniversary,
19
00:01:21,415 --> 00:01:24,126
so it's one year down, forever to go.
20
00:01:25,711 --> 00:01:27,713
Which is terrifying to say.
21
00:01:27,796 --> 00:01:31,216
But you know what's great?
Now, it's just kind of liberating.
22
00:01:31,717 --> 00:01:35,762
Because I don't give a fuck
about any of my single friends.
23
00:01:36,263 --> 00:01:39,683
I don't care about any of you
and it feels great.
24
00:01:40,225 --> 00:01:43,270
Because you guys are at home,
just swiping for love,
25
00:01:43,353 --> 00:01:44,813
and complaining.
26
00:01:44,896 --> 00:01:46,565
"Oh, how do you find people?"
27
00:01:46,648 --> 00:01:50,152
"Dimples? Off with his head!"
Like a god-damn emperor.
28
00:01:50,235 --> 00:01:51,903
"Brunettes? Not for me."
29
00:01:51,987 --> 00:01:55,157
I'm like, "You work at Subway.
You don't deserve so much choice."
30
00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:56,950
We're getting soft.
31
00:01:57,034 --> 00:02:00,787
You realize my parents
physically never saw each other?
32
00:02:00,871 --> 00:02:04,458
Thirty years ago in a town in India,
population 990,000 -
33
00:02:04,541 --> 00:02:05,751
that's a small town -
34
00:02:05,834 --> 00:02:10,047
my dad heard a buzz in the streets
about this woman named Seema, my mom.
35
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:13,550
And, like,
Seema was that chick, you guys.
36
00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:15,677
In '82, Seema could get...
37
00:02:15,761 --> 00:02:18,263
Look at that red
langa. Killing it!
38
00:02:20,015 --> 00:02:21,642
She was like the iPhone 8.
39
00:02:21,725 --> 00:02:25,479
"Have you heard of Seema?
She's slim. Her family owns a camera."
40
00:02:25,562 --> 00:02:27,689
My dad was like, "A camera?"
41
00:02:27,773 --> 00:02:31,068
So he runs to my grandfather's house
and lays it on the line.
42
00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:34,154
"I'm going to America.
I want to marry Seema. YOLO."
43
00:02:34,237 --> 00:02:39,326
In ten minutes, the man married a woman
he had never laid eyes on.
44
00:02:40,202 --> 00:02:42,746
You understand?
That's Tinder with no photos.
45
00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:46,375
"I want that for the rest of my life.
46
00:02:46,917 --> 00:02:48,543
I hope she has a good personality.
47
00:02:48,627 --> 00:02:52,464
Let's move to the US where we're
the only people that know each other."
48
00:02:53,423 --> 00:02:55,384
I'm so grateful for that decision.
49
00:02:55,842 --> 00:03:00,013
Najmi marries Question Mark,
they come to the States, I come out.
50
00:03:00,097 --> 00:03:04,434
Popping out of your mom is like
real estate. It's all about location.
51
00:03:05,060 --> 00:03:08,313
I popped out here. Anybody brown,
we popped out here, we made it.
52
00:03:08,814 --> 00:03:10,941
We're the rappers that made it.
53
00:03:13,276 --> 00:03:18,198
What's wild is, I never even knew how
the whole
X-Men Origins story went down.
54
00:03:19,408 --> 00:03:22,369
It's crazy, because we know
nothing about our parents
55
00:03:22,452 --> 00:03:24,329
and our parents know nothing about us.
56
00:03:24,704 --> 00:03:26,832
"Dad, your favorite color?" "Stanford!"
57
00:03:26,915 --> 00:03:28,208
"What? No."
58
00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:34,131
"No, I want to know more about you."
"Why? Get into Stanford."
59
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:38,885
And I think it's just that, like,
immigrants love secrets.
60
00:03:40,262 --> 00:03:41,555
Right? They love them.
61
00:03:41,638 --> 00:03:44,141
They love bottling them up deep down,
62
00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:47,310
and unleashing them on you later
when it's no longer relevant.
63
00:03:47,769 --> 00:03:51,898
"Mom's a ninja, Dad's a communist?
Why are you telling me this right now?"
64
00:03:52,357 --> 00:03:56,445
Every conversation with my dad
is like an M. Night Shyamalan movie.
65
00:03:57,028 --> 00:03:59,990
It's just 90 minutes of build-up
to no payoff.
66
00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:03,243
"That's the ending?"
67
00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:07,539
So my dad marries my mom,
they come to the States, they have me,
68
00:04:07,622 --> 00:04:09,458
in Davis, California,
69
00:04:09,541 --> 00:04:13,086
but my mom has to go back to India
to finish up med school.
70
00:04:13,170 --> 00:04:16,047
So the first eight years,
it was just me and my dad.
71
00:04:16,131 --> 00:04:18,800
Just the two of us trying
to make it in America.
72
00:04:18,884 --> 00:04:21,052
Minus all the unconditional love.
73
00:04:21,928 --> 00:04:24,306
Brown love is very conditional.
74
00:04:24,389 --> 00:04:27,768
In the photo he's like,
"You had better get all As."
75
00:04:29,728 --> 00:04:31,438
Like, let's be real.
76
00:04:32,147 --> 00:04:35,776
I grew up here. Like, Pioneer...
I grew up here.
77
00:04:35,859 --> 00:04:36,859
Yeah.
78
00:04:38,236 --> 00:04:41,031
But Davis was, like, super white.
79
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:42,908
Kind of like tonight.
80
00:04:45,368 --> 00:04:48,830
Roll call was a problem.
It was a big deal for a lot of us.
81
00:04:49,372 --> 00:04:51,875
- Like, what's your name?
- Jasura.
82
00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:53,794
Okay. What would you get?
83
00:04:53,877 --> 00:04:56,338
- Jasuriah.
- Jasuriah?
84
00:04:56,421 --> 00:04:59,132
Yeah. I would get, like,
"Hanson Minaja..."
85
00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:01,301
"Sahan Minha."
86
00:05:01,718 --> 00:05:03,845
"Saddam Hussein."
87
00:05:03,929 --> 00:05:06,097
It was my English teacher.
"I'm not Saddam."
88
00:05:06,181 --> 00:05:07,557
- What's your name?
- Biju.
89
00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:09,559
- What would you get?
- A blank stare.
90
00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:10,977
A blank stare?
91
00:05:12,854 --> 00:05:16,399
I'm the only brown kid at school,
Dad is the only brown guy at work.
92
00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:20,904
In a weird way that brings us together,
and we have to do everything together.
93
00:05:20,987 --> 00:05:25,367
Try to understand immigrant fathers.
I still can't understand some of you.
94
00:05:25,450 --> 00:05:27,994
There are uncles here.
None of you guys are smiling.
95
00:05:28,078 --> 00:05:30,413
I don't get it.
You're going to die. Laugh.
96
00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:32,457
Why aren't you laughing?
97
00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:34,918
You're always stressed and always tired.
98
00:05:35,001 --> 00:05:39,673
You could wake up any immigrant father
from a 12-hour nap, and they'd say...
99
00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:44,135
"Why do I have to pay taxes?"
100
00:05:44,219 --> 00:05:45,971
You're like, "Jesus..."
101
00:05:46,846 --> 00:05:50,350
We'd do everything...
I remember being in the grocery store.
102
00:05:50,433 --> 00:05:53,937
And we'd be walking through the aisles,
and my dad would pick up yogurt.
103
00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:56,356
"Ah, yogurt."
104
00:05:58,775 --> 00:06:01,027
Or milk. Just like, "Ah."
105
00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:07,450
And I'd look at him and be like,
"Oh, man. Dad hates yogurt."
106
00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:10,954
"He hates milk."
107
00:06:11,496 --> 00:06:13,790
But I get that look, now.
108
00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:16,876
Life is tough and sometimes
you don't know what you're doing.
109
00:06:17,294 --> 00:06:20,589
He has a little kid
and I'm not making his life any easier.
110
00:06:20,672 --> 00:06:22,924
I'm picking up soda and I'm like, "Ah!"
111
00:06:23,008 --> 00:06:25,427
"Don't do that."
"I'm going to live forever!"
112
00:06:25,510 --> 00:06:28,096
Then I would trip on my Velcro shoes
113
00:06:28,179 --> 00:06:31,057
and I would drop the soda
and it would explode.
114
00:06:31,141 --> 00:06:34,477
And then my dad would do
what most brown parents do.
115
00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:37,439
He would check
to see if the coast is clear...
116
00:06:39,524 --> 00:06:41,568
and he'd slap the shit out of me.
117
00:06:43,069 --> 00:06:45,322
I love it. Thank you. Thank you.
118
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:47,907
Pockets were acknowledging that.
119
00:06:47,991 --> 00:06:49,868
And for the liberal white guilt,
120
00:06:49,951 --> 00:06:53,246
immigrants aren't going to hit
their children the way you do.
121
00:06:53,330 --> 00:06:55,874
Americans hit on the arm
and bruise the body.
122
00:06:55,957 --> 00:06:58,668
Immigrants slap your face
and bruise your soul.
123
00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:01,087
It's Guantanamo of the mind.
124
00:07:02,380 --> 00:07:06,259
And I know some of you guys are like,
"Hey, this is Davis, okay?
125
00:07:06,343 --> 00:07:09,596
I listen to NPR. Ira Glass says
children are our future."
126
00:07:09,679 --> 00:07:13,266
Have you seen the show called
The Slap?
This is a real show on NBC.
127
00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:18,355
This is a real show about a white kid
that gets slapped at a birthday party.
128
00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:20,148
Are you fucking kidding?
129
00:07:20,231 --> 00:07:23,902
Thirteen episodes for this kid?
Are you kidding me?
130
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:28,448
Do you know when brown kids get slapped?
Every brown birthday party.
131
00:07:29,366 --> 00:07:31,993
And usually it's the kid
whose birthday it is,
132
00:07:32,077 --> 00:07:34,579
and we stand there and point and laugh.
133
00:07:34,663 --> 00:07:37,874
We go, "Ah,
Biju got slapped on his birthday!"
134
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:41,419
And that's what makes us
tough and resilient.
135
00:07:42,003 --> 00:07:44,881
It's why we become cardiologists
and win spelling bees.
136
00:07:45,590 --> 00:07:48,218
Slapping is important.
It elevates your game.
137
00:07:50,011 --> 00:07:52,222
You ever seen an Indian kid
win a spelling bee?
138
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:53,848
Incredible!
139
00:07:54,933 --> 00:07:57,394
Ice water in the veins.
140
00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:01,982
That kid won't choke on camera.
He's been slapped on camera.
141
00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:04,859
- Of course he can spell "knaidel".
-
Knaidel.
142
00:08:04,943 --> 00:08:08,697
Look at that face. Nothing. Nothing!
143
00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:11,950
He's 12 years old. Nothing!
144
00:08:12,450 --> 00:08:16,579
This kid just won $30,000 cash. Nothing.
145
00:08:17,706 --> 00:08:22,252
People ask, "Where does that come from?"
Look at this kid's parents.
146
00:08:22,335 --> 00:08:26,423
Your son just won
the Scripps National Spelling Bee.
147
00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:31,302
Look at his brother. His brother is like,
"I'm fucked. I'm fucked.
148
00:08:31,386 --> 00:08:33,930
The bar is way too high.
I should kill myself."
149
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:36,099
People say, "Where's Bobby Jindal from?"
150
00:08:36,182 --> 00:08:39,144
That's where he comes from.
That is an Indian sociopath.
151
00:08:41,938 --> 00:08:44,274
I know what happens
when I talk about this.
152
00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:46,943
People say, "Your parents don't love you."
153
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:49,487
I think our parents love us.
We have great fathers.
154
00:08:49,571 --> 00:08:53,867
I just think our fathers didn't download
all the great dad software.
155
00:08:54,784 --> 00:08:56,995
There are just a few apps missing.
156
00:08:57,954 --> 00:08:59,873
Birthdays aren't their thing.
157
00:09:00,498 --> 00:09:04,169
Every immigrant father feels like
if they brought you to the US...
158
00:09:05,587 --> 00:09:07,297
Happy Birthday.
159
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:10,216
Starbucks, Wi-Fi, freeways,
happy birthday.
160
00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:12,677
No more birthdays. Go be president.
161
00:09:12,761 --> 00:09:16,514
At an interview, this lady said,
"Describe your earliest birthday memory."
162
00:09:16,598 --> 00:09:18,516
I was like, "Do I have to?"
163
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,602
So I'm six, I'm turning seven.
164
00:09:20,685 --> 00:09:23,313
My dad wakes me up
super early in the morning.
165
00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:24,856
"Hasan, get up!
166
00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:26,274
Get in the Camry."
167
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:28,443
The immigrant car of choice.
168
00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:32,489
We get in the Camry, we're driving
from Davis to Sacramento.
169
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:35,116
There's one mall in the entire area.
Arden.
170
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:36,785
We get to this intersection,
171
00:09:37,327 --> 00:09:39,454
and I look to my left,
172
00:09:39,537 --> 00:09:42,082
and it's the one place
every kid dreams about.
173
00:09:42,165 --> 00:09:43,792
Toys 'R' Us.
174
00:09:43,875 --> 00:09:45,919
I was like, "Oh, shit!
175
00:09:46,002 --> 00:09:48,713
Dad saw the Toys 'R' Us catalog
on my wall.
176
00:09:49,631 --> 00:09:51,674
He saw my vision board.
177
00:09:53,218 --> 00:09:56,638
He saw the blue BMX bike I wanted.
He's here to surprise me.
178
00:09:56,721 --> 00:09:59,808
Turn left. Turn left.
179
00:09:59,891 --> 00:10:02,477
Turn... left."
180
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:05,271
Then he turns right,
181
00:10:05,355 --> 00:10:07,524
and I'm like, "Home Depot?
182
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:10,193
No!"
183
00:10:10,276 --> 00:10:13,613
I'm like, "Why are we here?
Do you know what day it is?"
184
00:10:13,696 --> 00:10:14,739
"It's Saturday."
185
00:10:14,823 --> 00:10:17,575
"No, it's my birthday. Did you forget?"
186
00:10:17,659 --> 00:10:20,912
He's like, "Hasan, how could I forget
that it's your birthday?
187
00:10:21,371 --> 00:10:23,706
That's why I brought you here.
188
00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:27,127
So you could pick the door handle
for the bathroom."
189
00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:34,300
And I was like, "Why don't you
have me pick out the toilet?
190
00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:36,177
You are shitting on my dreams."
191
00:10:36,261 --> 00:10:40,140
I didn't say that. I would have gotten
a slap. I wanted to say that.
192
00:10:40,223 --> 00:10:41,349
That's when I realized
193
00:10:41,432 --> 00:10:44,144
there's a generational gap
between us and our parents.
194
00:10:44,227 --> 00:10:46,479
You're going to fight with your parents,
195
00:10:47,063 --> 00:10:49,566
and there's a finite number
of hands you can play.
196
00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,067
You know about this.
197
00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:53,528
Not going to be a doctor?
That's a hand.
198
00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:57,740
Marry a white girl?
Boom! That's a big hand.
199
00:10:59,450 --> 00:11:03,079
I could have been like,
"Dad, fight me. I want that bike."
200
00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:06,666
But I was like, "Hang on to your cards.
You'll need them later."
201
00:11:06,749 --> 00:11:09,085
Like, I had vision as a six-year-old.
202
00:11:09,878 --> 00:11:14,048
And my mom, she would come and visit,
and just kill the mom game.
203
00:11:14,132 --> 00:11:18,678
One year, she came to school and
brought me a
Ghostbusters proton pack.
204
00:11:18,761 --> 00:11:22,140
The wheelie thing, the backpack,
the gun that catches ghosts...
205
00:11:22,223 --> 00:11:24,309
Literally shut Pioneer down.
206
00:11:24,392 --> 00:11:28,980
Kids were losing their minds. "What?
Saddam Hussein's a Ghostbuster?"
207
00:11:29,063 --> 00:11:32,317
"Yeah, I'm a brown Ghostbuster.
Deal with it."
208
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:34,360
One of the happiest days of my life.
209
00:11:35,987 --> 00:11:38,323
But then she would go back to India.
210
00:11:38,740 --> 00:11:40,742
That's when I realized I don't want a toy.
211
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:43,369
I just want my mom. I want to be a family.
212
00:11:43,453 --> 00:11:46,873
I was very emo. I was like Drake.
I missed that girl.
213
00:11:47,457 --> 00:11:50,209
"When is she coming back?
I need her in my life.
214
00:11:53,212 --> 00:11:55,381
I need her. I need that girl.
215
00:11:55,465 --> 00:11:57,800
I need that girl in my life.
216
00:11:57,884 --> 00:12:00,553
I need her, Dad.
She used to call me on my phone."
217
00:12:00,637 --> 00:12:03,222
My dad's like,
"When the visa comes through."
218
00:12:03,306 --> 00:12:05,850
"When the visa comes through."
It's a big deal.
219
00:12:05,934 --> 00:12:09,812
I don't care what anyone says.
It's difficult to get in this country.
220
00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:12,690
It's not like a broken condom
where you're like, "I'm in!"
221
00:12:13,816 --> 00:12:15,568
Eight years.
222
00:12:16,361 --> 00:12:18,780
August 11th, 1993. I'm so excited.
223
00:12:18,863 --> 00:12:22,533
I put on my
Ghostbusters proton pack.
I'm standing there.
224
00:12:22,617 --> 00:12:24,494
Dad goes, "Put on Indian clothes."
225
00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:25,578
I'm like, "Alright.
226
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:27,747
I can be an Indian ghostbuster."
227
00:12:29,624 --> 00:12:32,251
I put on a
Salwar Kameez.
I'm standing there.
228
00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:34,963
Door opens.
229
00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:36,756
Dad walks through.
230
00:12:37,715 --> 00:12:39,258
Mom walks through.
231
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:42,011
And then immediately behind my mom,
232
00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:45,306
is this little brown girl
with a mushroom cut.
233
00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:48,184
She runs up to me and hugs me.
234
00:12:48,267 --> 00:12:49,811
"Hasan
bhai!"
235
00:12:50,979 --> 00:12:53,439
And I'm in full hover-hands mode,
236
00:12:53,523 --> 00:12:55,984
because I have no idea who this person is.
237
00:12:56,943 --> 00:12:58,403
What happened was,
238
00:12:58,486 --> 00:12:59,612
my dad
239
00:13:00,071 --> 00:13:02,365
would go back and forth to India
to visit my mom,
240
00:13:03,366 --> 00:13:05,618
and during one trip he knocked her up.
241
00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:08,955
And I had a sister.
242
00:13:11,249 --> 00:13:13,251
But no one told me about it.
243
00:13:18,006 --> 00:13:21,050
Remember how I told you
that immigrants love secrets?
244
00:13:21,134 --> 00:13:23,302
This is a secret that nobody told me!
245
00:13:23,386 --> 00:13:24,554
He says, "Hug her."
246
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:27,056
"You brought her out
like
Maury for immigrants."
247
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:30,435
"Hasan, you are the brother."
I'm like, "No, no!"
248
00:13:30,518 --> 00:13:33,646
She was breakdancing,
and I'm like, "Who the fuck are you?"
249
00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:36,024
"You don't know me?"
"I've no idea who you are."
250
00:13:36,107 --> 00:13:38,693
I hated that brown girl so much.
251
00:13:38,776 --> 00:13:41,362
I was like, "Build that wall."
252
00:13:41,446 --> 00:13:44,907
I was like a little Republican.
I was like, "I get it."
253
00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:47,368
I remember leveling with my parents
at dinner.
254
00:13:47,452 --> 00:13:49,537
"Look, Mom, Dad, let's just be real.
255
00:13:49,620 --> 00:13:52,290
Oh, my God, these brown people...
Oh, jeez.
256
00:13:53,541 --> 00:13:55,168
Coming into our house...
257
00:13:57,086 --> 00:13:58,880
eating our Fruit Roll-Ups...
258
00:14:00,298 --> 00:14:02,175
they don't speak the language...
259
00:14:02,925 --> 00:14:05,803
I say we tell them to go back
where they came from."
260
00:14:05,887 --> 00:14:08,556
He's like, "You can't say that.
We're family."
261
00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:10,767
I'm like, "No, that's on you and Mom.
262
00:14:11,434 --> 00:14:14,437
You guys decided to get
your Angelina Jolie on,
263
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:16,147
and bring over this FOB.
264
00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:18,107
That's on you, that's not on me."
265
00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:20,651
Why do you do this to your daughters?
266
00:14:20,735 --> 00:14:25,448
Every single brown mother makes your
daughter
quinceañera dress, chop cuts.
267
00:14:25,531 --> 00:14:29,077
Why? Princess from here down,
Toad from here up.
268
00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:33,164
I've got this shit following me around
on the playground. "Hasan
bhai!"
269
00:14:33,247 --> 00:14:34,707
I'm like, "Yo, kick rocks!"
270
00:14:34,791 --> 00:14:37,543
I go play tetherball. "Hasan
bhai!"
"Get lost!"
271
00:14:37,627 --> 00:14:41,714
Eventually, I run to the boys' bathroom.
She follows me into the bathroom.
272
00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:42,799
"Hasan
bhai!"
273
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:45,176
All the kids at the urinal are like, "Uh!
274
00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:47,178
What's
Hasan-bye?"
275
00:14:47,261 --> 00:14:51,849
I went to school with a bunch
of Ryan Lochtes. Just all traps.
276
00:14:51,933 --> 00:14:55,645
"Uh, I don't
understand other cultures, bro.
277
00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:57,355
What is that? What does it mean?"
278
00:14:57,438 --> 00:15:00,358
It's a term of endearment in my culture,
meaning "brother".
279
00:15:00,441 --> 00:15:01,484
"Shut up, Cody!"
280
00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:04,070
I took that anger and channeled it at her.
281
00:15:04,153 --> 00:15:05,279
I was like, "Hey!
282
00:15:05,780 --> 00:15:07,198
You're not my sister."
283
00:15:08,950 --> 00:15:10,868
But she couldn't understand English.
284
00:15:14,747 --> 00:15:16,499
But she got what I was saying.
285
00:15:16,582 --> 00:15:18,918
She starts crying and runs out.
286
00:15:19,001 --> 00:15:20,503
I was like, "No!
287
00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:23,131
She's going to tell Dad."
288
00:15:24,966 --> 00:15:27,301
Let's focus on what's important here.
289
00:15:27,385 --> 00:15:28,428
But she didn't.
290
00:15:28,511 --> 00:15:29,971
And my dad...
291
00:15:30,054 --> 00:15:33,349
It was her first birthday in the US.
She was turning five.
292
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:36,853
So for her first birthday,
he wanted it to be special.
293
00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:38,938
I can imagine being a father,
294
00:15:39,021 --> 00:15:42,567
missing your daughter's first steps,
her first time saying "Dada..."
295
00:15:42,650 --> 00:15:43,985
That's a hard thing.
296
00:15:44,068 --> 00:15:47,071
So for her birthday,
he brings everyone into the living room.
297
00:15:47,155 --> 00:15:50,616
He drags in this big box
and goes, "Aisha, open the box."
298
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:53,369
She cuts open the box
and unfurls one of the flaps,
299
00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:57,665
and I see "Toys 'R' Us"
emblazoned on one of the flaps.
300
00:15:58,624 --> 00:16:00,376
And he reaches in,
301
00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:03,880
and pulls out a beautiful, blue BMX bike.
302
00:16:05,381 --> 00:16:09,010
"Here you go, Aisha." He looks at me.
"Happy Birthday."
303
00:16:14,765 --> 00:16:16,476
Savage, right?
304
00:16:16,559 --> 00:16:21,105
I'm livid. I'm like, "Yo, when did
Home Depot Dad become Danny Tanner?
305
00:16:21,189 --> 00:16:23,065
This is bullshit. Really?"
306
00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:24,066
I'm livid.
307
00:16:24,150 --> 00:16:28,654
And Aisha senses it. She's like,
"Hasan
bhai, why don't you take it out?"
308
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:32,408
And as an elder brother,
I felt entitled to that bike.
309
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:34,076
"That's my bike. Thank you."
310
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:38,456
Younger siblings, you guys are worthless.
You bring nothing to the table.
311
00:16:38,539 --> 00:16:42,168
I see you getting mad.
"Hell, no. I have a personality."
312
00:16:42,251 --> 00:16:45,129
Where do you think
you got that from, dummy? Us.
313
00:16:45,213 --> 00:16:47,256
Clothes, culture, money.
314
00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:50,468
"Whoa! I have opinions."
No, you don't.
315
00:16:50,551 --> 00:16:53,471
And then you have the audacity
to be, like,
316
00:16:53,554 --> 00:16:55,515
"Hey, why are you so melodramatic?"
317
00:16:55,598 --> 00:16:59,310
Because I went to war for you.
Mom and Dad was my Vietnam.
318
00:16:59,393 --> 00:17:01,562
And you're like, "Everybody loves me."
319
00:17:01,646 --> 00:17:03,231
It's such bullshit, right?
320
00:17:03,314 --> 00:17:06,359
Elder siblings,
we walk through the world like,
321
00:17:06,442 --> 00:17:07,902
"Do people love me?"
322
00:17:07,985 --> 00:17:11,405
And you're like, "Mom and Dad
fucked up with you, not with me."
323
00:17:13,950 --> 00:17:17,328
She's like, "Take it for one lap
around the block."
324
00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:22,333
I grab those handlebars,
I'm like, "Fuck that noise."
325
00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:25,711
Boom. I take off.
She's like, "Hasan
bhai, come back!"
326
00:17:25,795 --> 00:17:28,589
I'm like, "Eat my dust, immigrant."
I'm flying.
327
00:17:28,673 --> 00:17:31,342
I see a curb. I'm about to pop a wheelie.
328
00:17:31,425 --> 00:17:33,094
The bike goes left, I go right.
329
00:17:33,177 --> 00:17:35,429
And that beautiful blue BMX bike...
330
00:17:35,513 --> 00:17:38,391
Bam! It crashes into the cement.
331
00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:41,686
All the paint is chipped off
the right side of the bike.
332
00:17:42,436 --> 00:17:43,479
I pick it up,
333
00:17:44,188 --> 00:17:45,773
and it's destroyed.
334
00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:47,858
I hear the patter of her chappals.
335
00:17:47,942 --> 00:17:50,945
She's crying,
"Hasan
bhai, why would you do this?"
336
00:17:51,028 --> 00:17:53,322
Animé tears of innocence.
337
00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:56,075
"Why? I gave you the first ride."
338
00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:58,619
And I'm looking down at her,
339
00:17:58,703 --> 00:18:00,454
and I'm like, "Man...
340
00:18:01,247 --> 00:18:02,999
I'm being a dick."
341
00:18:04,041 --> 00:18:06,002
Like, this whole time
342
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:09,463
I was looking for acceptance
from Cody, Corey and Cole...
343
00:18:13,509 --> 00:18:16,137
and I had it right here
this entire time.
344
00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:18,180
I'm supposed to be her big brother,
345
00:18:18,264 --> 00:18:21,350
help her navigate the American dream
and protect her.
346
00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:25,104
And I'm out here stealing her bike?
This is fucked up.
347
00:18:25,688 --> 00:18:27,481
And Aisha hates that story.
348
00:18:27,898 --> 00:18:32,153
She's always like, "Oh, my God,
you are so melodramatic.
349
00:18:32,653 --> 00:18:35,197
You make me sound like a refugee baby."
350
00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:38,200
That's true. I'm doing that right now.
351
00:18:38,784 --> 00:18:41,245
It's not fair,
because she's not a refugee.
352
00:18:41,871 --> 00:18:43,789
And, like, she learned English.
353
00:18:44,707 --> 00:18:48,794
She went to an Ivy League law school.
She does mergers and acquisitions now.
354
00:18:48,878 --> 00:18:50,838
She is the one percent.
355
00:18:50,921 --> 00:18:52,548
Meanwhile, I...
356
00:18:53,382 --> 00:18:55,384
I didn't go to grad school.
357
00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:57,762
I became a comedian. This is what I do.
358
00:18:58,429 --> 00:19:02,016
And then, when it came time
for me to get married,
359
00:19:02,099 --> 00:19:05,061
I got married to a girl
from a Hindu family.
360
00:19:05,936 --> 00:19:08,564
I heard an audible "Oh!" Alright.
361
00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:12,109
Fuck. I heard you go, like, "Ugh!"
I didn't punch you.
362
00:19:13,527 --> 00:19:14,820
Damn!
363
00:19:14,904 --> 00:19:16,656
So some of you guys don't know.
364
00:19:16,739 --> 00:19:20,326
Hindus and Muslims are like
the Montagues and Capulets of India.
365
00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:22,453
We've been warring for centuries.
366
00:19:22,536 --> 00:19:25,373
You're like, "What's the difference?
You look the same."
367
00:19:25,456 --> 00:19:28,084
So how do I explain this?
Hindus and Muslims.
368
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:30,252
So Hindus...
369
00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:34,548
Hindus don't eat beef.
"No beef!" Right?
370
00:19:34,632 --> 00:19:38,469
And Muslims, we don't eat pork.
"Is that pepperoni pizza? No.
371
00:19:38,552 --> 00:19:40,471
No pepperoni!"
372
00:19:40,554 --> 00:19:43,182
And then Hindus, they like statues.
373
00:19:43,766 --> 00:19:47,520
They're like, "Oh!
This is a statue of an elephant.
374
00:19:47,978 --> 00:19:50,106
I'm going to put this in my car."
375
00:19:58,197 --> 00:20:01,951
Muslims are like, "No statues!
Calligraphy! We're about the alphabet.
376
00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:05,705
We put that in our car.
We're different."
377
00:20:05,788 --> 00:20:08,457
And then Hindus, they like cartoons.
378
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:12,002
They're like,
"Oh, this is a cartoon Ganesh.
379
00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:14,422
I'll just put this on the wall."
380
00:20:14,922 --> 00:20:16,590
And Muslims...
381
00:20:17,466 --> 00:20:21,303
we don't really, uh, like cartoons.
382
00:20:21,387 --> 00:20:24,223
We've got to get better
about our cartoon policy.
383
00:20:24,306 --> 00:20:27,518
Because of this we've been killing
each other for centuries.
384
00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:30,896
And I know the older generation
doesn't like those jokes.
385
00:20:30,980 --> 00:20:33,649
"Pakistan was created
because of this reason."
386
00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:35,234
I know, but...
387
00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:37,486
I convinced my dad.
388
00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:39,613
"Dad, I love her, she loves me.
389
00:20:39,697 --> 00:20:41,574
Isn't there something bigger
390
00:20:41,657 --> 00:20:45,077
that unites all of us
outside of race, color, creed, class?
391
00:20:45,161 --> 00:20:49,415
This is America. We can choose what
we want to adhere from the motherland.
392
00:20:49,498 --> 00:20:53,461
Isn't life like
biryani, where you push
the weird shit to the side?
393
00:20:53,544 --> 00:20:57,089
Why do we got to adhere
to this weird shit from back over there?
394
00:20:57,173 --> 00:20:58,215
He agrees.
395
00:20:58,299 --> 00:20:59,884
He's like, "That's a good point.
396
00:21:00,885 --> 00:21:02,386
Fine. You should get married."
397
00:21:02,470 --> 00:21:05,347
That's a Hall of Fame brown dad decision.
398
00:21:05,431 --> 00:21:08,309
There's brown dads here, like,
"If my son did that,
399
00:21:08,392 --> 00:21:10,895
I would shoot myself and then shoot him."
400
00:21:10,978 --> 00:21:12,646
He says yes.
401
00:21:13,397 --> 00:21:15,649
We rally the troops,
Me, Mom, Dad, Aisha,
402
00:21:15,733 --> 00:21:18,986
we get in the Camry,
we're driving to my fiancée's house.
403
00:21:19,069 --> 00:21:22,281
And we're about to pull up
and we get to the door,
404
00:21:23,532 --> 00:21:25,451
and my dad is about to ring the doorbell,
405
00:21:25,951 --> 00:21:27,328
when he says the sentence
406
00:21:27,411 --> 00:21:30,581
that is the killer
of every brown kid's dream.
407
00:21:32,458 --> 00:21:33,626
He goes,
408
00:21:34,835 --> 00:21:36,962
"I don't think we should do this.
409
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:39,799
Log kya kahenge?
410
00:21:41,550 --> 00:21:43,260
"What will people think?"
411
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:46,180
I don't know if you know,
412
00:21:46,263 --> 00:21:49,391
but every time a brown father
says
log kya kahenge,
413
00:21:49,475 --> 00:21:51,477
a star actually falls from the sky.
414
00:21:52,853 --> 00:21:55,272
"I don't want to be a doctor!"
"Log kya kahenge!"
415
00:21:55,356 --> 00:21:56,816
No!
416
00:21:57,817 --> 00:22:00,027
"I don't want to marry!"
"Log kya kahenge!"
417
00:22:00,110 --> 00:22:01,737
Why?
418
00:22:01,821 --> 00:22:04,532
I bet you,
when Mahatma Gandhi told his parents
419
00:22:04,615 --> 00:22:07,159
he was going to liberate India,
420
00:22:07,243 --> 00:22:10,079
even they were like, "
Log kya kahenge!
421
00:22:10,579 --> 00:22:13,791
"Stop marching. The British
are going to talk shit about us.
422
00:22:13,874 --> 00:22:17,336
Why are you bald and skinny?
You're never going to get married."
423
00:22:17,419 --> 00:22:19,046
And I'm standing there...
424
00:22:20,297 --> 00:22:21,882
on that doorstep.
425
00:22:23,634 --> 00:22:25,844
Wait, I'm standing there...
426
00:22:27,012 --> 00:22:28,597
on that doorstep,
427
00:22:28,681 --> 00:22:32,226
like, "Wait, you want me to change my life
because of
log kya kahenge?
428
00:22:32,768 --> 00:22:34,228
Come on, Dad.
429
00:22:34,311 --> 00:22:37,481
How many times do we complain
about racism in our community?
430
00:22:37,565 --> 00:22:38,566
All the time.
431
00:22:38,649 --> 00:22:41,902
Now the ball is in our court,
we're going to be bigoted?
432
00:22:41,986 --> 00:22:45,114
Dad, I promise you,
God doesn't like bigotry.
433
00:22:45,197 --> 00:22:47,866
God's not like, 'You're racist. Good job.'
434
00:22:47,950 --> 00:22:48,951
No!
435
00:22:49,034 --> 00:22:51,787
Number two, you want me
to change my life
436
00:22:51,870 --> 00:22:54,790
to appease some aunty and uncle
I'm never going to see?
437
00:22:54,873 --> 00:22:58,669
You want me to change my life
for Naila Aunty? Fuck Naila Aunty.
438
00:22:58,752 --> 00:23:00,421
Are you fucking kidding me?
439
00:23:00,963 --> 00:23:02,256
My life?"
440
00:23:03,716 --> 00:23:05,593
But I can't say that.
441
00:23:06,093 --> 00:23:10,264
Because I've played all my cards.
So I can't say anything.
442
00:23:10,764 --> 00:23:14,685
Now I'm losing hope.
I'm, like, "Maybe this is bigger than me.
443
00:23:14,768 --> 00:23:18,355
Why can't I put my head down
and do what I'm supposed to do?
444
00:23:18,439 --> 00:23:20,274
This ain't
Jodhaa Akbar."
445
00:23:20,357 --> 00:23:23,652
Have you ever been trapped
by the time you live in?
446
00:23:23,736 --> 00:23:26,196
It's been going on for centuries.
447
00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:28,324
So I'm walking back to the Camry,
448
00:23:28,407 --> 00:23:30,284
then I hear a voice behind me.
449
00:23:30,784 --> 00:23:32,202
"Oh, my God.
450
00:23:32,953 --> 00:23:37,082
You guys do this all the time."
451
00:23:37,166 --> 00:23:40,169
And it is Aisha, and she is pissed.
452
00:23:41,003 --> 00:23:42,755
And she's like, "Dad,
453
00:23:42,838 --> 00:23:46,300
I did not fly out from Philly for this."
454
00:23:49,386 --> 00:23:51,764
"Beena is so legit.
455
00:23:51,847 --> 00:23:53,807
She has a PhD.
456
00:23:54,266 --> 00:23:56,226
Hasan
bhai is a comedian."
457
00:24:00,939 --> 00:24:04,193
"No one is going to marry him.
458
00:24:04,860 --> 00:24:07,279
Get him married
before she changes her mind."
459
00:24:07,363 --> 00:24:10,949
She stepped up.
She laid down one of her cards for me.
460
00:24:11,033 --> 00:24:15,329
She Phil Jacksoned that situation.
She got all these people working together.
461
00:24:15,412 --> 00:24:18,248
Because of her,
I got to marry the love of my life.
462
00:24:18,332 --> 00:24:21,126
Because of my sister. I can't believe it.
463
00:24:24,630 --> 00:24:27,925
For years I resented that brown girl.
I hated her.
464
00:24:28,008 --> 00:24:31,428
But on that day, on that special day,
465
00:24:31,512 --> 00:24:34,264
I couldn't have been more proud
to be her Hasan
bhai.
466
00:24:55,119 --> 00:24:56,870
You know, they say
467
00:24:56,954 --> 00:25:01,166
every generation is defined
by a great struggle or tragedy.
468
00:25:02,084 --> 00:25:04,837
And it's wild
that our kids will never know
469
00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:07,589
there was a period in time in this country
470
00:25:07,673 --> 00:25:09,633
where you had to make a choice
471
00:25:09,717 --> 00:25:12,761
between being on the internet
or being on the phone.
472
00:25:15,431 --> 00:25:18,434
They won't get it, dude.
You'll never get it.
473
00:25:18,517 --> 00:25:22,521
You don't get it, man. You won't.
That was our World War I, man.
474
00:25:22,604 --> 00:25:25,858
Especially in middle school,
if a girl called the house,
475
00:25:25,941 --> 00:25:28,694
you had to pick up the phone
before your parents.
476
00:25:29,653 --> 00:25:34,283
We used to have landlines.
It's like phones connected to the land.
477
00:25:34,366 --> 00:25:37,411
And one time in middle school
a girl called the house.
478
00:25:37,494 --> 00:25:39,329
My dad picked it up before me.
479
00:25:39,413 --> 00:25:40,706
"Hello, who is this?"
480
00:25:40,789 --> 00:25:44,126
"Hi, it's Alice. Is Hasan there?"
"What you want, Alice?"
481
00:25:44,209 --> 00:25:46,378
I was like, "I'm going to die a virgin."
482
00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:50,549
"I'm in Geometry with Hasan.
I had a question.
483
00:25:50,632 --> 00:25:52,426
Can I ask him the question?"
484
00:25:52,509 --> 00:25:54,470
He's like, "Okay, Alice.
485
00:25:54,553 --> 00:25:56,764
Why don't you ask me the question,
486
00:25:58,724 --> 00:26:00,684
then I'll ask Hasan?"
487
00:26:00,768 --> 00:26:02,895
That's the way our parents are.
488
00:26:02,978 --> 00:26:07,149
Ages zero through 30, "No girls!"
At 35, "Why can't you talk to girls?"
489
00:26:07,232 --> 00:26:09,693
That's basically it. "Ah, you kill me!"
490
00:26:11,528 --> 00:26:13,906
That's the way our parents are, right?
491
00:26:13,989 --> 00:26:18,076
Our parents are like a firewall
to the outside world.
492
00:26:18,160 --> 00:26:21,914
They disseminate information to us.
It's like living in North Korea.
493
00:26:23,165 --> 00:26:25,459
My dad is the leader of the household.
494
00:26:25,542 --> 00:26:28,170
So when 9-11 happened
I was in high school.
495
00:26:28,253 --> 00:26:30,172
My dad sits everybody down.
496
00:26:30,255 --> 00:26:32,424
He's like, "Hasan, whatever you do,
497
00:26:32,508 --> 00:26:35,677
do not tell people you're Muslim
or talk about politics."
498
00:26:35,761 --> 00:26:40,057
"Alright, Dad, I'll just hide it.
This just rubs off."
499
00:26:40,140 --> 00:26:42,351
We're sitting there. Phone rings.
500
00:26:42,434 --> 00:26:45,145
I run, but my dad beats me to the phone.
501
00:26:45,229 --> 00:26:47,439
"Hello?" I grab the second phone.
502
00:26:47,523 --> 00:26:50,692
I hear a voice. "Hey, you sand nigger,
where's Osama?"
503
00:26:52,319 --> 00:26:53,529
He looks at me.
504
00:26:54,238 --> 00:26:57,908
"You can hear me, right?
You fucking dune coon. Where's Osama?"
505
00:27:01,787 --> 00:27:04,998
"Hey, 2631 Regatta Lane,
that's where you live, right?
506
00:27:05,082 --> 00:27:07,334
I'm going to fucking kill you."
Click.
507
00:27:08,710 --> 00:27:10,462
And my dad's looking at me.
508
00:27:11,004 --> 00:27:15,884
Do you ever see your parents,
and you see the mortality in them?
509
00:27:16,635 --> 00:27:20,055
I'm looking at my dad
and I see all five-seven of him.
510
00:27:20,889 --> 00:27:24,726
And that's when I realize I'm a
darapok.
I'm a scaredy-cat.
511
00:27:24,810 --> 00:27:28,564
We can speak two languages.
We can speak at home and outside.
512
00:27:28,647 --> 00:27:31,316
I should have said something. I didn't.
513
00:27:31,900 --> 00:27:34,695
We sit down.
I hear "thud, thud, thud" outside.
514
00:27:35,445 --> 00:27:39,324
Me and Dad run outside and all the windows
on the Camry are smashed in.
515
00:27:40,033 --> 00:27:43,161
My backpack's open.
"Fuck, they stole my stuff."
516
00:27:43,245 --> 00:27:45,497
I reach and I pull out my backpack.
517
00:27:46,123 --> 00:27:48,292
Pieces of glass get caught in my arm.
518
00:27:48,375 --> 00:27:50,794
Now blood is gushing down my arm,
519
00:27:50,878 --> 00:27:53,171
and I'm pissed, I'm fucking mad.
520
00:27:53,255 --> 00:27:54,423
Fuck this, man!
521
00:27:54,506 --> 00:27:58,760
These kids know where we live, they're
timing this, so they're watching us.
522
00:27:58,844 --> 00:28:02,014
So I'm looking in the trees, the bushes...
523
00:28:02,097 --> 00:28:06,310
I look back in the middle of the street,
my dad is in the middle of the road
524
00:28:06,393 --> 00:28:10,063
sweeping glass out of the road
like he works at a barbershop.
525
00:28:10,981 --> 00:28:14,443
"We've got customers.
Log kya kahenge?
We've got to clean this up."
526
00:28:15,027 --> 00:28:16,278
Zen!
527
00:28:16,361 --> 00:28:19,072
Brown Mr Miyagi, just, like,
not saying a word.
528
00:28:19,156 --> 00:28:21,617
I'm like,
"Why aren't you saying something?
529
00:28:21,700 --> 00:28:23,827
I'm asking you, say something!"
530
00:28:24,620 --> 00:28:26,622
He looks at me and goes, "Hasan..."
531
00:28:33,462 --> 00:28:35,339
"These things happen,
532
00:28:35,881 --> 00:28:38,175
and these things will continue to happen.
533
00:28:39,218 --> 00:28:41,511
That's the price we pay for being here."
534
00:28:42,304 --> 00:28:46,141
That's when I was like, "We really are
from two different generations."
535
00:28:46,225 --> 00:28:48,018
BMX bikes aside.
536
00:28:48,477 --> 00:28:53,440
My dad's from that generation where
he feels like if you come to this country,
537
00:28:53,523 --> 00:28:55,400
you pay the American dream tax.
538
00:28:55,484 --> 00:28:58,946
You endure racism, and if it doesn't
cost you your life, pay it.
539
00:28:59,029 --> 00:29:00,405
There you go, Uncle Sam.
540
00:29:01,031 --> 00:29:03,367
But for me, I was born here.
541
00:29:04,034 --> 00:29:06,495
So I actually have the audacity
of equality.
542
00:29:06,995 --> 00:29:09,915
I'm like, "I'm in Honors Gov,
I have it right here.
543
00:29:09,998 --> 00:29:13,502
Life, liberty, pursuit of happiness.
All men created equal."
544
00:29:13,585 --> 00:29:15,462
It says it right here, I'm equal.
545
00:29:15,545 --> 00:29:17,422
I'm equal. I don't deserve this.
546
00:29:20,008 --> 00:29:21,760
But as soon as I say that...
547
00:29:23,679 --> 00:29:27,808
He looks at me like I believe in Santa.
"Hasan, you'll never understand."
548
00:29:27,891 --> 00:29:29,601
"I'll never understand?
549
00:29:29,685 --> 00:29:33,272
Dad, you're the guy that will argue
with the cashier at Costco
550
00:29:33,355 --> 00:29:35,691
when he doesn't let you return
used underwear.
551
00:29:35,774 --> 00:29:37,859
And now you want to be the bigger man?
552
00:29:37,943 --> 00:29:41,446
Now you're like, 'Let's be reasonable
with the bigots.' What?"
553
00:29:42,906 --> 00:29:46,702
And then he just walks back into the house
with glass in his feet.
554
00:29:47,327 --> 00:29:50,622
And I honestly don't know
who is more right.
555
00:29:51,665 --> 00:29:54,084
Maybe he's right. Put your head down.
556
00:29:54,167 --> 00:29:58,422
Be a doctor, get a house in the burbs,
let them call them whatever you want.
557
00:29:59,047 --> 00:30:02,759
But isn't it our job to push the needle
forward little by little?
558
00:30:02,843 --> 00:30:05,304
Isn't that how all this stuff happens?
559
00:30:05,387 --> 00:30:08,473
I don't know. The pendulum swings
back and forth for me.
560
00:30:08,557 --> 00:30:12,811
And I know 9/11 is a super touchy subject.
I understand.
561
00:30:12,894 --> 00:30:14,730
Because when it happened,
562
00:30:14,813 --> 00:30:18,442
everyone in America felt like
their country was under attack.
563
00:30:19,484 --> 00:30:21,653
But on that night, September 12th,
564
00:30:21,737 --> 00:30:24,448
it was the first night of so many nights
565
00:30:24,531 --> 00:30:27,993
where my family's loyalty to this country
was under attack.
566
00:30:29,077 --> 00:30:30,662
And it always sucks.
567
00:30:30,746 --> 00:30:34,916
As immigrants we always have
to put on these press releases
568
00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:36,376
to prove our patriotism.
569
00:30:36,460 --> 00:30:39,838
We're auditioning.
"We love this country, please believe me."
570
00:30:39,921 --> 00:30:42,215
Nobody loves this country more than us.
571
00:30:42,299 --> 00:30:45,052
I fell in love here.
Six years old, Janice Malo.
572
00:30:45,135 --> 00:30:48,305
I saw her in the sandbox.
I run up to her. First grade.
573
00:30:48,388 --> 00:30:50,891
"I love you!"
"You're the color of poop."
574
00:30:50,974 --> 00:30:52,976
That's memory number one.
575
00:30:53,810 --> 00:30:56,271
The first time you experience racism?
576
00:30:56,355 --> 00:30:59,858
I was like, "What? Oh, no!
It's not rubbing off!"
577
00:30:59,941 --> 00:31:01,360
I was fucking terrified.
578
00:31:01,443 --> 00:31:04,404
It was like
Inception.
There were so many levels.
579
00:31:04,488 --> 00:31:06,615
I just wanted to wake up and be like,
580
00:31:06,698 --> 00:31:09,659
"Oh, it was all a dream. I'm JGL.
It was all a dream."
581
00:31:09,743 --> 00:31:12,829
But it's not a dream,
it's the universe telling you,
582
00:31:12,913 --> 00:31:15,957
"It's a Fair and Lovely world.
Navigate accordingly."
583
00:31:18,168 --> 00:31:22,923
In the third grade, Miss Anderson said,
"Write what you want to be."
584
00:31:23,006 --> 00:31:26,635
Some kids were like,
"an astronaut," or "a firefighter."
585
00:31:26,718 --> 00:31:28,387
I was like, "I want to be white."
586
00:31:30,138 --> 00:31:31,431
"What do you mean?"
587
00:31:31,515 --> 00:31:34,643
"I want this part of my skin
to be all of my skin."
588
00:31:36,019 --> 00:31:38,355
And it wasn't like, "I hate melanin."
589
00:31:38,438 --> 00:31:39,981
I love melanin.
590
00:31:40,065 --> 00:31:42,401
I've never gotten a sunburn. I'm blessed.
591
00:31:47,197 --> 00:31:50,826
But when you're white and you're
playing the video game of life,
592
00:31:51,326 --> 00:31:52,869
and your avatar is white,
593
00:31:52,953 --> 00:31:55,872
you just get asked less questions
along the way.
594
00:31:55,956 --> 00:31:58,375
You pop out. Boom.
"I want to be Batman."
595
00:31:58,458 --> 00:32:02,087
"Well, of course.
Batman is white. Duh!"
596
00:32:02,170 --> 00:32:03,839
"I want to be president."
597
00:32:03,922 --> 00:32:06,842
"Duh! Forty-four-and-a-half presidents
are white.
598
00:32:07,342 --> 00:32:09,803
We've had a great track record."
599
00:32:09,886 --> 00:32:15,142
And I know the privilege debate
is very heavy for white people.
600
00:32:15,225 --> 00:32:17,853
I know you guys have problems.
I've seen
Girls.
601
00:32:21,481 --> 00:32:25,193
My dad did not give a shit
about any of this identity stuff.
602
00:32:25,277 --> 00:32:27,237
His rules with me were very simple.
603
00:32:27,320 --> 00:32:30,407
"No fun, no girlfriends.
Have fun in med school."
604
00:32:30,490 --> 00:32:34,035
Which is a huge lie.
It never gets popping in med school.
605
00:32:34,119 --> 00:32:37,873
I've never been to a club and seen
nine dudes: "Yo, what's going on?"
606
00:32:37,956 --> 00:32:40,542
"What's going on? Residency, fam!"
607
00:32:40,625 --> 00:32:42,043
Never happens.
608
00:32:42,127 --> 00:32:46,006
"I got a career I hate from my parents."
It's a lie. We buy into it.
609
00:32:46,673 --> 00:32:48,675
So by my senior year of high school,
610
00:32:48,758 --> 00:32:53,430
I had yet to go to a school dance,
I had been cut from the basketball team,
611
00:32:53,513 --> 00:32:56,349
and I had just got off
this medicine called Accutane
612
00:32:56,433 --> 00:32:58,435
so my skin and face was peeling.
613
00:32:58,518 --> 00:33:00,020
I'm crushing life.
614
00:33:00,103 --> 00:33:02,898
Out here, killing it. No one did that.
615
00:33:02,981 --> 00:33:05,942
Don't clap.
No one did that for that photo.
616
00:33:06,026 --> 00:33:09,654
No one ever did that at my school.
It's too late.
617
00:33:10,530 --> 00:33:12,782
But there was one bright spot,
618
00:33:12,866 --> 00:33:14,493
this girl named Bethany Reed.
619
00:33:14,576 --> 00:33:18,580
And her family had just moved
from Nebraska to Davis,
620
00:33:18,663 --> 00:33:20,790
and we were in AP Calc together, but...
621
00:33:21,500 --> 00:33:23,793
we had chemistry.
622
00:33:24,377 --> 00:33:26,630
She sat behind me,
first day, she's like,
623
00:33:26,713 --> 00:33:27,881
"Hey...
624
00:33:28,632 --> 00:33:30,342
what's your AIM screen name?"
625
00:33:31,551 --> 00:33:35,639
I was like, "It's about to go down.
Do you want it? I could give it to you."
626
00:33:35,722 --> 00:33:39,684
Whatever I lacked in real-life game,
my digital game... bananas.
627
00:33:40,227 --> 00:33:43,021
Status updates,
away messages, sub profile,
628
00:33:43,104 --> 00:33:45,732
Boyz II Men. Don't say
you don't like "Water Runs Dry".
629
00:33:45,815 --> 00:33:47,234
I was a lover.
630
00:33:47,317 --> 00:33:51,112
Late at night on AIM,
back and forth, back and forth...
631
00:33:51,196 --> 00:33:52,739
You guys don't know this.
632
00:33:52,822 --> 00:33:55,992
Some of you guys are just in college,
Snapchatting.
633
00:33:56,076 --> 00:33:59,746
Back in the day, we had to fire up
the internet like goddamn cavemen.
634
00:33:59,829 --> 00:34:01,289
You know what I mean?
635
00:34:08,421 --> 00:34:11,633
If someone picked up the phone,
"Hey, get off the phone!
636
00:34:11,716 --> 00:34:13,927
I'm trying to talk to somebody!"
637
00:34:14,803 --> 00:34:16,846
That's how we would communicate.
638
00:34:16,930 --> 00:34:21,101
Late at night, back and forth,
back and forth.
639
00:34:21,726 --> 00:34:24,145
One night she was like, "Hey, come over."
640
00:34:24,229 --> 00:34:26,398
I bike over to her place,
641
00:34:26,481 --> 00:34:29,276
white picket fence, McMansion,
Ford Expedition,
642
00:34:29,359 --> 00:34:31,778
Eddie Bauer edition.
643
00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:34,614
"Oh, they made it!"
644
00:34:34,698 --> 00:34:38,493
Mrs Reed opens the door. Her father
is this successful retired judge.
645
00:34:38,577 --> 00:34:41,288
Mrs Reed's like, "You want brownies?"
"Yeah. Cool."
646
00:34:41,371 --> 00:34:44,916
"Hey, stay for dinner."
"We just had brownies, but okay."
647
00:34:45,000 --> 00:34:47,711
We're sitting there at the dinner table.
648
00:34:47,794 --> 00:34:52,299
And now Mrs Reed's like, "Hey, honey,
we know so much about Bethany,
649
00:34:52,841 --> 00:34:55,176
but we don't know anything about you.
650
00:34:55,260 --> 00:34:57,220
What do you like? What are you into?"
651
00:34:57,304 --> 00:34:58,305
I was like, "What?"
652
00:35:00,473 --> 00:35:02,267
"What do I like? Um...
653
00:35:02,684 --> 00:35:03,684
Nobody...
654
00:35:04,519 --> 00:35:06,396
Nobody has ever asked me that before."
655
00:35:08,523 --> 00:35:10,483
"I guess I like acoustic guitar."
656
00:35:11,026 --> 00:35:12,527
"You should do that.
657
00:35:13,028 --> 00:35:15,363
You should follow your dreams."
658
00:35:19,284 --> 00:35:20,869
"Maybe I will.
659
00:35:21,453 --> 00:35:23,330
Maybe I will follow my dreams."
660
00:35:23,413 --> 00:35:27,334
Then Bethany's like, "Hey,
we always study at my house.
661
00:35:27,417 --> 00:35:29,544
Why don't we study at your house?"
662
00:35:29,628 --> 00:35:32,380
I was like, "I've got to go."
663
00:35:33,256 --> 00:35:35,467
What, invite you over to my house?
664
00:35:35,550 --> 00:35:38,637
You walk in: "What language
are you guys speaking?
665
00:35:38,720 --> 00:35:40,472
What's that smell?"
666
00:35:40,555 --> 00:35:44,976
I'm not going to open myself up to that.
But I was like, "No, she's different."
667
00:35:45,060 --> 00:35:46,770
I hit her up late at night.
668
00:35:46,853 --> 00:35:51,483
"Mom, Dad, a school friend is coming over.
Everyone here, please be normal."
669
00:35:51,983 --> 00:35:55,904
My dad is like, "We are normal."
Killing me, you know what I mean?
670
00:35:56,738 --> 00:35:59,991
"Hasan, we're normal.
Be proud. You should be proud."
671
00:36:00,075 --> 00:36:03,203
Who is proud? No one is.
You're walking around like a rooster.
672
00:36:03,286 --> 00:36:05,205
I'm not proud and no one is proud.
673
00:36:05,288 --> 00:36:06,373
We get there.
674
00:36:07,290 --> 00:36:09,959
We're sitting on my living room table.
675
00:36:10,877 --> 00:36:13,505
My mom and dad are arguing in Hindi.
676
00:36:13,588 --> 00:36:16,549
My mom is frying pakoras.
The fobbiest thing ever.
677
00:36:17,258 --> 00:36:20,220
Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham
is playing on Zee TV.
678
00:36:20,887 --> 00:36:22,514
But it's too much.
679
00:36:22,597 --> 00:36:25,016
It's all coming at this girl.
It's too much.
680
00:36:25,100 --> 00:36:27,352
You've got to ease your way in.
681
00:36:27,435 --> 00:36:28,978
She's from Nebraska.
682
00:36:29,062 --> 00:36:30,814
Soul cycle, yoga, then Zee TV.
683
00:36:30,897 --> 00:36:33,108
Don't just, like, go into it.
684
00:36:33,191 --> 00:36:36,194
So I'm looking at her, like,
"Don't say anything.
685
00:36:37,278 --> 00:36:38,863
Please don't say anything."
686
00:36:40,156 --> 00:36:44,119
She looks up from her book,
and she's like, "You know what?
687
00:36:45,328 --> 00:36:47,038
This is really nice.
688
00:36:48,498 --> 00:36:51,376
We should do this more often.
This is really nice."
689
00:36:51,960 --> 00:36:54,587
And I look at her, and I'm like,
"Oh, my God.
690
00:36:55,714 --> 00:36:57,507
I love you, my white princess."
691
00:36:59,342 --> 00:37:02,595
"You see me.
I don't got to change who I am?
692
00:37:03,346 --> 00:37:04,973
I can be me!"
693
00:37:05,056 --> 00:37:08,268
So I'm going back and forth.
Her house, my house.
694
00:37:08,351 --> 00:37:11,855
One night, we're on the living room table.
We're doing integrals.
695
00:37:14,649 --> 00:37:18,319
She closes her book.
She's like, "Hey. It's late."
696
00:37:19,112 --> 00:37:21,239
And I'm like, "It is late."
697
00:37:22,365 --> 00:37:24,159
And she's like...
698
00:37:25,160 --> 00:37:26,453
"I should go home."
699
00:37:26,536 --> 00:37:29,581
I was like, "Yeah, you should..."
Why did you say that?
700
00:37:29,664 --> 00:37:31,541
That was your chance. Don't do that.
701
00:37:32,208 --> 00:37:34,210
I said, "Wait, let me walk you out."
702
00:37:34,294 --> 00:37:36,379
So I'm walking her out.
703
00:37:36,463 --> 00:37:38,757
She gets in the car.
704
00:37:38,840 --> 00:37:40,425
I'm about to close the door.
705
00:37:40,508 --> 00:37:43,803
She rams her arm into the door,
leans out and gives me a kiss.
706
00:37:43,887 --> 00:37:46,973
"I love you." Drives off into the night.
707
00:37:47,056 --> 00:37:49,434
Like a fucking G!
708
00:37:50,643 --> 00:37:52,562
Because she knew the rules.
709
00:37:53,688 --> 00:37:56,816
She knew the rules.
No fun, no friends, no girlfriends.
710
00:37:56,900 --> 00:38:00,195
All we had was that stolen moment
in my driveway.
711
00:38:00,820 --> 00:38:04,657
You guys are like, "I was getting handjobs
when I was nine."
712
00:38:04,741 --> 00:38:06,826
Not me. Not this guy.
713
00:38:06,910 --> 00:38:08,661
Not you, not you, not you.
714
00:38:08,745 --> 00:38:09,871
Not us.
715
00:38:09,954 --> 00:38:12,999
I was like, "Are we getting married?
I have to change my pants.
716
00:38:13,082 --> 00:38:14,834
We are definitely getting married.
717
00:38:14,918 --> 00:38:16,711
When is the
shaadi?"
718
00:38:19,589 --> 00:38:22,842
Now, my AP Calc class was
a group of overachievers
719
00:38:22,926 --> 00:38:25,053
and my Calc teacher, Mr Pendleton,
720
00:38:25,136 --> 00:38:27,597
wanted us to live lives outside of school.
721
00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:30,600
So one day he gets up
in front of the entire class.
722
00:38:30,683 --> 00:38:33,853
"Alright, you guys are
all killing it academically
723
00:38:33,937 --> 00:38:37,732
but I want you to know
there is more to life
724
00:38:38,608 --> 00:38:40,652
than just getting into UC Berkeley."
725
00:38:41,486 --> 00:38:43,988
One kid was like,
"I know, getting into Stanford."
726
00:38:44,072 --> 00:38:47,742
He's like, "No, you have to live
a life worth talking about,
727
00:38:47,826 --> 00:38:51,955
which is why I'm making it mandatory
for everyone in this class
728
00:38:52,038 --> 00:38:54,332
to go to prom."
729
00:38:54,415 --> 00:38:57,627
I'm like, "All 30 of us?
We're all going to prom?
730
00:38:57,710 --> 00:38:58,962
AP Calc? Us?
731
00:38:59,045 --> 00:39:01,840
Me, Jehovah's Witness girl,
Korean exchange students,
732
00:39:01,923 --> 00:39:03,299
going to the prom?
733
00:39:03,383 --> 00:39:04,717
Thirty for 30? All of us?"
734
00:39:04,801 --> 00:39:06,678
I'm laughing so hard, I'm crying.
735
00:39:06,761 --> 00:39:09,305
He's like, "Hanson, this is not funny."
736
00:39:09,389 --> 00:39:11,975
He walks over to the board,
he pulls it down.
737
00:39:12,058 --> 00:39:16,521
It's a bracket with everybody's name on it
leading up to the big dance.
738
00:39:17,772 --> 00:39:19,315
It's March Madness for nerds.
739
00:39:19,399 --> 00:39:22,527
I'm like, "Whatever,
it's not going to happen.
740
00:39:22,610 --> 00:39:24,237
He can't do this."
741
00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:26,656
Weeks go by.
Kids start getting dates.
742
00:39:26,739 --> 00:39:29,033
Three days before prom
he walks to the board.
743
00:39:29,117 --> 00:39:31,953
Last two names:
Hasan Minhaj, Bethany Reed.
744
00:39:32,036 --> 00:39:34,789
The class goes nuts. They're like, "Oh!
745
00:39:36,374 --> 00:39:37,792
They're going to fuck!"
746
00:39:39,002 --> 00:39:42,046
"No, we're not! Are we?
No, no we're not."
747
00:39:42,589 --> 00:39:45,216
I look at her,
"Please don't say anything."
748
00:39:45,300 --> 00:39:47,760
She says nothing, like a G.
749
00:39:50,138 --> 00:39:53,349
Bell rings. I'm walking to my locker.
I hear footsteps.
750
00:39:53,433 --> 00:39:56,269
She's like, "Wait up."
I was like, "What's up?"
751
00:39:58,271 --> 00:40:01,232
"Oh, that was crazy back there.
What are the chances?"
752
00:40:01,316 --> 00:40:03,484
She's like, "Listen, you know,
753
00:40:04,027 --> 00:40:07,196
ever since my family moved
from Nebraska,
754
00:40:08,031 --> 00:40:09,657
you've been my best friend.
755
00:40:10,450 --> 00:40:12,327
And you're really special to me.
756
00:40:12,869 --> 00:40:15,330
This year wouldn't be the same
without you.
757
00:40:15,955 --> 00:40:18,791
So I was wondering,
will you go to prom with me?"
758
00:40:27,258 --> 00:40:29,218
I was like, "Yes, my white princess."
759
00:40:29,302 --> 00:40:33,056
As soon as I said that, I was like, "No!"
I had bitten off more than I could chew.
760
00:40:33,139 --> 00:40:37,435
"No, wait. You've got cards to play.
You're good. You're a good kid.
761
00:40:37,518 --> 00:40:42,690
Also, remember, parents respect honesty.
You've seen this on TV.
762
00:40:42,774 --> 00:40:45,568
If you go home and are honest,
763
00:40:46,235 --> 00:40:47,737
your parents will be like,
764
00:40:47,820 --> 00:40:51,574
'Even though I disagree with you,
I respect your candor.
765
00:40:51,658 --> 00:40:53,826
Therefore I will grant your wish.'"
766
00:40:53,910 --> 00:40:57,705
I ran home, I was like,
"Dad, I would like to go to prom."
767
00:40:59,123 --> 00:41:02,126
Which means, "I will break your face."
"Duly noted, father."
768
00:41:02,210 --> 00:41:06,631
"Bethany, situation at home.
Father doesn't want us to go to prom.
769
00:41:06,714 --> 00:41:09,550
I'm going to sneak out.
I live on the second story.
770
00:41:09,634 --> 00:41:12,053
I'm going to jump off and land on my bike.
771
00:41:12,136 --> 00:41:14,847
I'll bike to your place,
we dance it up,
772
00:41:14,931 --> 00:41:16,641
and if I die, I had a great run."
773
00:41:16,724 --> 00:41:20,103
You know? You're going to die,
so put it on the tombstone.
774
00:41:20,186 --> 00:41:22,897
"Hasan Minhaj, 4.3 GPA,
kissed a white girl."
775
00:41:22,981 --> 00:41:24,816
What an amazing way to go.
776
00:41:25,900 --> 00:41:27,819
The night of prom rolls around.
777
00:41:27,902 --> 00:41:29,862
I put on the JC Penney suit.
778
00:41:30,738 --> 00:41:32,782
Spray on the Michael Jordan cologne.
779
00:41:32,865 --> 00:41:35,743
Six puffs, one for each championship.
780
00:41:35,827 --> 00:41:39,288
You don't want to overkill it
with the MJ cologne.
781
00:41:39,372 --> 00:41:40,832
Don't be tacky.
782
00:41:40,915 --> 00:41:45,712
I'm scaling down the side of my roof,
scraping my knees.
783
00:41:45,795 --> 00:41:48,089
I jump off the roof. It's like 20 feet.
784
00:41:48,172 --> 00:41:51,175
I jump off, I somehow land,
I get on my bike.
785
00:41:51,259 --> 00:41:55,513
It's beautiful, the sun is setting,
it's one of those gorgeous evenings.
786
00:41:55,596 --> 00:41:58,391
And I'm biking with my knees bowed out.
787
00:41:58,474 --> 00:42:01,310
So my slacks don't get
caught up in the chains.
788
00:42:02,729 --> 00:42:06,315
Fast enough to get there, but slow enough
to not get pit stains.
789
00:42:06,399 --> 00:42:08,026
I'm balancing the corsage.
790
00:42:14,365 --> 00:42:16,367
"Alright, go. Go.
791
00:42:16,451 --> 00:42:18,286
You're good. You're getting there."
792
00:42:20,246 --> 00:42:23,416
I get to her house. I park my bike.
793
00:42:24,000 --> 00:42:25,877
I'm walking up to the doorstep,
794
00:42:25,960 --> 00:42:28,963
and I'm about to ring the doorbell
when I'm like, "Wait.
795
00:42:29,047 --> 00:42:32,091
30 second time-out. Do you understand
what's about to go down?
796
00:42:32,800 --> 00:42:36,054
You're about to go to prom
with Bethany motherfucking Reed."
797
00:42:38,264 --> 00:42:40,099
"This is the American dream.
798
00:42:40,892 --> 00:42:42,769
This is what Dad fought for."
799
00:42:44,771 --> 00:42:47,732
Ding-dong. Mrs Reed opens the door.
800
00:42:49,025 --> 00:42:51,069
She has this look of concern.
801
00:42:52,195 --> 00:42:53,988
And I look over her shoulder,
802
00:42:54,614 --> 00:42:58,034
and I see Jeff Burke putting a corsage
on Bethany's wrist.
803
00:43:00,328 --> 00:43:04,332
And she's like, "Oh, my God, honey,
did Bethany not tell you?
804
00:43:05,875 --> 00:43:08,503
Sweetie, we love you,
we think you're great.
805
00:43:08,586 --> 00:43:10,671
We love that you come over and study.
806
00:43:11,923 --> 00:43:14,175
But tonight is one of those nights...
807
00:43:14,842 --> 00:43:17,470
We have a lot of family
back home in Nebraska
808
00:43:18,346 --> 00:43:20,807
and we're going to be taking photos,
809
00:43:21,641 --> 00:43:23,893
so we don't think you'd be a good fit.
810
00:43:25,103 --> 00:43:26,479
Do you need a ride home?
811
00:43:26,562 --> 00:43:28,731
Mr Reed can give you a ride home."
812
00:43:29,565 --> 00:43:32,026
And I was like, "No, I have my bike."
813
00:43:33,111 --> 00:43:36,197
And I just biked home
and played
Mario Kart.
814
00:43:36,906 --> 00:43:40,409
That's the nicest I've ever been
dressed, playing
Mario Kart.
815
00:43:42,245 --> 00:43:45,748
I wish I had said, "Fuck that,
I'm going to the dance."
816
00:43:45,832 --> 00:43:47,250
I didn't.
817
00:43:47,333 --> 00:43:50,086
The sad part is,
I felt bad for being there.
818
00:43:50,878 --> 00:43:53,589
Who was I to ruin
their picture-perfect celebration?
819
00:43:54,215 --> 00:43:57,635
You've seen movies. How many times
do you see that on screen?
820
00:43:57,718 --> 00:44:01,097
And it's not like they were yokels
yelling "sand nigger!"
821
00:44:01,180 --> 00:44:02,807
I could let that pass.
822
00:44:02,890 --> 00:44:05,601
I'd eaten off their plates,
kissed their daughter.
823
00:44:05,685 --> 00:44:10,064
I didn't know that people could be bigoted
even as they were smiling at you.
824
00:44:11,107 --> 00:44:13,818
It's hard when you see people
saying they love you
825
00:44:13,901 --> 00:44:16,112
but they're afraid at the same time.
826
00:44:16,195 --> 00:44:18,990
And I didn't know what that meant.
827
00:44:20,241 --> 00:44:24,245
Then the following Monday,
during first period she finds me.
828
00:44:24,328 --> 00:44:27,331
She's like, "Everybody
has been asking why we didn't go.
829
00:44:27,415 --> 00:44:29,125
Please don't say anything.
830
00:44:29,208 --> 00:44:32,253
It's a generational thing.
Please don't say anything."
831
00:44:32,962 --> 00:44:36,424
And I look at her.
Second period rolls around like clockwork.
832
00:44:36,507 --> 00:44:39,468
Mr Pendleton's like,
"So, lovebirds, what happened?
833
00:44:39,552 --> 00:44:41,554
Everybody's wondering."
834
00:44:41,637 --> 00:44:45,391
So I'm, like, "Yeah, what happened?"
Looking at her.
835
00:44:45,975 --> 00:44:47,310
She just looks down.
836
00:44:47,393 --> 00:44:50,313
Now everybody's looking at me
so I've got to improvise.
837
00:44:50,396 --> 00:44:52,607
I was like, "Yeah, you know,
838
00:44:52,690 --> 00:44:54,525
I decided not to go.
839
00:44:54,609 --> 00:44:58,821
I mean, dances are overrated.
They're a cliché. I decided not to go."
840
00:44:58,905 --> 00:45:01,908
Everybody in the class looked at me.
"Wow, you dick."
841
00:45:02,533 --> 00:45:05,661
"You stood up the new girl?
Thank God Jeff took her.
842
00:45:05,745 --> 00:45:07,204
You're a dick."
843
00:45:07,872 --> 00:45:10,041
That's the last time we ever spoke.
844
00:45:11,959 --> 00:45:14,337
And you know,
845
00:45:14,420 --> 00:45:17,882
time has passed,
and I don't really think about that day.
846
00:45:17,965 --> 00:45:20,301
I mean, I did write
a show about it, but...
847
00:45:21,677 --> 00:45:23,095
like a lot of people...
848
00:45:27,934 --> 00:45:31,020
you move on
to different chapters of your life.
849
00:45:32,104 --> 00:45:36,233
You have selective memory.
You're in college. Tools, Clear History.
850
00:45:36,317 --> 00:45:39,195
Out of college.
Tools, Clear History. Never did that.
851
00:45:39,278 --> 00:45:41,781
Married. Tools, Clear History.
Never happened.
852
00:45:41,864 --> 00:45:45,034
Second marriage, Tools, Clear History.
Never happened.
853
00:45:45,117 --> 00:45:49,080
But for the most part, I actually think
about it the way my dad does.
854
00:45:49,163 --> 00:45:52,792
"Oh, you couldn't go to prom
with a white girl?
855
00:45:52,875 --> 00:45:54,126
Who gives a fuck?
856
00:45:54,210 --> 00:45:57,672
At least your spine isn't getting
shattered in a police wagon,
857
00:45:57,755 --> 00:46:01,133
though it's happening
to African-Americans to this day.
858
00:46:01,217 --> 00:46:03,970
So this is a tax you have to pay?
I'll pay it.
859
00:46:04,053 --> 00:46:08,224
'I can't date your daughter.'
I don't give a fuck, Uncle Sam. Take it."
860
00:46:08,808 --> 00:46:10,768
But then I realized, wait, hold on.
861
00:46:10,851 --> 00:46:15,231
Why is it every time
the collateral damage has to be death,
862
00:46:15,314 --> 00:46:16,816
for us to talk about this?
863
00:46:16,899 --> 00:46:19,485
A kid has to get shot 16 times
for us to be like,
864
00:46:19,568 --> 00:46:21,988
"Maybe we have a race problem."
865
00:46:22,071 --> 00:46:24,699
For every Trayvon Martin
or Ahmed the clock kid,
866
00:46:24,782 --> 00:46:27,034
there is bigotry that happens every day.
867
00:46:27,118 --> 00:46:31,080
Because we're too afraid of the Other.
Someone who's not in our tribe.
868
00:46:31,163 --> 00:46:33,207
I wish I could tell 18-year-old me,
869
00:46:33,290 --> 00:46:36,961
"Hey, man, don't let
this experience define you.
870
00:46:38,004 --> 00:46:40,172
It's good people and bad people.
871
00:46:40,256 --> 00:46:43,467
Irrespective of creed, class, color,
find those people.
872
00:46:43,551 --> 00:46:45,845
Because love is bigger than fear."
873
00:46:45,928 --> 00:46:47,638
I wish I could tell him that.
874
00:46:48,556 --> 00:46:50,474
I really believe that.
875
00:46:57,732 --> 00:47:00,443
I really believe love is bigger than fear.
876
00:47:00,526 --> 00:47:02,278
Fox News has taught me that.
877
00:47:02,862 --> 00:47:04,739
Fox News is incredible.
878
00:47:04,822 --> 00:47:08,492
I've never seen so many people
with spray tans hate people of color.
879
00:47:08,576 --> 00:47:11,328
It is amazing.
880
00:47:11,829 --> 00:47:17,460
And Fox News is in New York.
They're in New York.
881
00:47:17,543 --> 00:47:20,588
Daily Show, Fox News,
five avenues away from each other.
882
00:47:20,671 --> 00:47:23,382
That's it.
Professor X, Magneto, that close.
883
00:47:23,466 --> 00:47:26,302
Every day I walk past
their building during lunch.
884
00:47:26,385 --> 00:47:29,472
I'll see all the employees,
Hannity, Coulter, O'Reilly,
885
00:47:29,555 --> 00:47:33,517
leave their building,
cross the street, walk past me,
886
00:47:33,601 --> 00:47:35,478
and line up for halal chicken and rice.
887
00:47:35,561 --> 00:47:37,730
I'm like, "Uh...
888
00:47:39,065 --> 00:47:41,025
Racist Randy wants that red sauce."
889
00:47:41,108 --> 00:47:44,945
Your brain can be racist,
but your body will just betray you.
890
00:47:45,029 --> 00:47:46,864
I love that so much.
891
00:47:46,947 --> 00:47:51,118
All morning, they're like,
"Mexicans, all lives matter, Arabs...
892
00:47:51,202 --> 00:47:52,661
12:01! Shwarma time!"
893
00:47:52,745 --> 00:47:55,247
I love that so much.
894
00:47:55,331 --> 00:47:59,335
And I wish I could tell
18-year-old me that, but I can't.
895
00:47:59,418 --> 00:48:02,505
I don't have a time machine.
I can't tell him that.
896
00:48:03,130 --> 00:48:05,382
You know what the shitty part is?
897
00:48:05,466 --> 00:48:09,804
When you first fall in love, you get
that first taste of the Heisenberg blue.
898
00:48:11,222 --> 00:48:13,599
It's never the same after that.
899
00:48:13,682 --> 00:48:17,311
People here with girlfriends are like,
"Babe, it's different with you."
900
00:48:17,394 --> 00:48:19,105
You're lying and that's okay.
901
00:48:20,147 --> 00:48:21,816
But we had those first secrets.
902
00:48:21,899 --> 00:48:25,736
My secret was, "I want to be a comedian."
She said, "I want to be a journalist."
903
00:48:25,820 --> 00:48:27,905
We promised we would
follow our dreams,
904
00:48:27,988 --> 00:48:30,699
no matter what people would think.
905
00:48:30,783 --> 00:48:33,702
So I started doing comedy.
I wasn't very good.
906
00:48:33,786 --> 00:48:37,081
Two years, three years, four years,
six years, seven years...
907
00:48:37,164 --> 00:48:40,167
I finally get a chance
to headline a comedy club.
908
00:48:40,251 --> 00:48:43,212
It's a big deal for me.
Gotham Comedy Club, New York City.
909
00:48:43,295 --> 00:48:48,217
I did what a lot of early comedians do.
I got on Facebook, I got super cocky.
910
00:48:48,300 --> 00:48:51,554
I was like, "Yo, Facebook!
911
00:48:51,637 --> 00:48:57,143
Your boy, headlining Gotham Comedy Club.
Let me know if you want some tix."
912
00:48:57,226 --> 00:48:59,520
All caps. Like, relax! I sent it.
913
00:48:59,603 --> 00:49:02,314
I was like, "I'm a headliner.
Let's go to the airport.
914
00:49:02,398 --> 00:49:06,735
LA, Chicago, Nashville, New York...
I'm flying Southwest.
915
00:49:06,819 --> 00:49:08,779
I was like, "I made it!
916
00:49:09,446 --> 00:49:14,326
Oh, hello. La Quinta Inn!
Don't mind if I do.
917
00:49:14,410 --> 00:49:16,453
Free Wi-Fi? Why not?
918
00:49:16,537 --> 00:49:19,081
Let's see what the internet
is saying about me.
919
00:49:19,165 --> 00:49:22,459
I open up my laptop,
fire up Facebook, and I see this.
920
00:49:24,295 --> 00:49:28,883
"Hey, um, long time no see.
921
00:49:29,800 --> 00:49:32,261
You're doing comedy now. So cool.
922
00:49:33,137 --> 00:49:36,807
Listen, me and my girlfriends
live in Manhattan
923
00:49:37,558 --> 00:49:40,561
and we were wondering
if we could get some tix?"
924
00:49:40,644 --> 00:49:41,687
Question mark.
925
00:49:41,770 --> 00:49:43,355
Okay.
926
00:49:49,987 --> 00:49:53,282
I don't know if you know what this means.
927
00:49:53,949 --> 00:49:57,953
But, you know, if life gives you lemons,
928
00:49:58,954 --> 00:50:01,665
sometimes you've got to make
"revenge lemonade."
929
00:50:02,625 --> 00:50:04,710
Sprinkle in a little irony.
930
00:50:04,793 --> 00:50:07,630
Reply, son. Reply.
931
00:50:07,713 --> 00:50:10,799
"Bethany, comma, enter.
932
00:50:12,092 --> 00:50:14,345
Totally remember you.
933
00:50:15,137 --> 00:50:17,306
Long time no see, indeed."
934
00:50:22,228 --> 00:50:24,480
"Seven years. A lot of time.
935
00:50:24,563 --> 00:50:28,943
Listen, I would love to give you some tix,
936
00:50:30,236 --> 00:50:33,113
but we're going to be taking
a lot of photos tonight...
937
00:50:37,451 --> 00:50:39,703
and I don't think you'd be a good fit."
938
00:50:39,787 --> 00:50:42,122
Send that shit! Send that shit right now!
939
00:50:42,206 --> 00:50:44,917
Send that shit right now!
940
00:50:45,000 --> 00:50:45,918
I jump on stage!
941
00:50:46,001 --> 00:50:50,005
I run to the club, jump on stage...
I don't even know what I said.
942
00:50:50,089 --> 00:50:51,966
I was like, "Fuck that. Goodnight."
943
00:50:52,049 --> 00:50:54,843
Boom. I go to the airport.
944
00:50:54,927 --> 00:50:58,555
We go from New York, Chicago,
to Nashville to LA.
945
00:50:58,639 --> 00:51:02,393
I pick up my Toyota Camry
L-motherfucking-E.
946
00:51:02,476 --> 00:51:05,604
Don't you ever forget about it.
Cloth interior for life.
947
00:51:05,688 --> 00:51:08,899
Whipping through the streets of LA.
948
00:51:08,983 --> 00:51:11,235
"Hello, headliner. What do you need?"
949
00:51:11,318 --> 00:51:13,529
"Hasan
bhai, Dad had a heart attack.
950
00:51:14,363 --> 00:51:15,364
Hey...
951
00:51:15,823 --> 00:51:17,491
idiot, pick up your phone.
952
00:51:17,574 --> 00:51:19,743
I need you. Dad had a heart attack."
953
00:51:20,494 --> 00:51:23,163
My dad had just suffered
a quintuple bypass.
954
00:51:23,872 --> 00:51:26,083
So they're rushing him to the hospital.
955
00:51:26,166 --> 00:51:27,876
Aisha goes, "Come home, now."
956
00:51:29,086 --> 00:51:31,672
I was like, "I got a set
at the Comedy Store.
957
00:51:32,464 --> 00:51:34,967
I'm going to do that,
then I'll come home."
958
00:51:35,926 --> 00:51:38,429
And I did a set at the Comedy Store.
959
00:51:39,763 --> 00:51:41,432
And then I drove home.
960
00:51:42,599 --> 00:51:44,268
And I don't know why...
961
00:51:45,519 --> 00:51:49,898
I get to Kaiser and run upstairs.
My mom and my sisters are crying.
962
00:51:49,982 --> 00:51:54,320
My sister looks at me, she's like,
"They don't know what you did. I do."
963
00:51:54,945 --> 00:51:57,281
Doctor sees me. "Are you his son?"
"Yeah."
964
00:51:57,364 --> 00:51:59,283
"You're over 18? Sign this."
965
00:51:59,366 --> 00:52:01,368
I sign this waiver
966
00:52:02,286 --> 00:52:06,123
that clears the hospital of liability
if something happens to my dad.
967
00:52:06,206 --> 00:52:08,083
The surgery is that risky.
968
00:52:08,709 --> 00:52:11,837
I'm signing this piece of paper
and looking at him,
969
00:52:12,588 --> 00:52:15,299
and I feel like I'm signing
a death certificate.
970
00:52:15,924 --> 00:52:18,886
His body temperature is so low
that he looks blue.
971
00:52:19,762 --> 00:52:23,515
They wheel him into surgery
and I hand the clipboard to the doctor.
972
00:52:23,599 --> 00:52:27,353
I look at my dad, like,
"If this is the last time I see my dad...
973
00:52:28,479 --> 00:52:31,315
I'm saying goodbye
to a person I barely even know."
974
00:52:33,233 --> 00:52:36,570
And I'm waiting, hoping
that he comes out of surgery okay.
975
00:52:37,237 --> 00:52:39,448
And somehow he makes it through.
976
00:52:40,074 --> 00:52:42,993
We're in the hospital.
I have to tell him stories.
977
00:52:43,077 --> 00:52:47,081
So I'm telling him stories about my life,
he's telling me stories about his.
978
00:52:47,164 --> 00:52:49,083
So I tell him the prom story.
979
00:52:50,167 --> 00:52:52,002
He goes, "Hasan, I'm mad at you."
980
00:52:52,586 --> 00:52:55,547
"I know, I kissed a girl.
I'll never do it again."
981
00:52:57,508 --> 00:52:58,801
He goes, "No...
982
00:52:59,426 --> 00:53:01,011
why don't you forgive Bethany?"
983
00:53:04,139 --> 00:53:06,934
He wanted to be the bigger person again.
984
00:53:07,518 --> 00:53:09,061
I was like, "Why?"
985
00:53:09,144 --> 00:53:12,147
"You know when I emigrated
to this country in 1982,
986
00:53:12,231 --> 00:53:15,526
I thought if I let you go
to a school dance,
987
00:53:15,609 --> 00:53:19,488
you would join a gang, get a girl pregnant
and become a drug dealer, in one night.
988
00:53:19,571 --> 00:53:21,031
I wanted to protect you.
989
00:53:21,115 --> 00:53:24,993
Her family saw stuff about us.
They wanted to protect their daughter.
990
00:53:25,077 --> 00:53:27,871
Everybody's afraid of everybody.
But Hasan..."
991
00:53:39,633 --> 00:53:41,552
"Hasan, you have to be brave.
992
00:53:42,302 --> 00:53:46,432
Your courage to do what's right
has to be greater than your fear.
993
00:53:46,515 --> 00:53:49,268
So, Hasan, be brave. Hasan, be brave."
994
00:53:50,018 --> 00:53:53,564
It's a very beautiful poem.
I think about it all the time.
995
00:53:53,647 --> 00:53:57,693
And look, there are some days
where I can forgive that person.
996
00:53:57,776 --> 00:54:01,071
The past is the past.
Tools, Clear History. It's done.
997
00:54:01,155 --> 00:54:02,739
Other days, "No, fuck that.
998
00:54:02,823 --> 00:54:05,284
This is
House of Cards.
Crush our enemies."
999
00:54:05,367 --> 00:54:07,828
I didn't know how to feel, until this.
1000
00:54:08,412 --> 00:54:11,540
Pizza Hut new big pizza sliders are here.
1001
00:54:11,623 --> 00:54:14,209
Get nine in a box for just ten bucks.
1002
00:54:14,293 --> 00:54:15,627
Ten bucks.
1003
00:54:15,711 --> 00:54:17,713
Match up to three ways.
1004
00:54:18,172 --> 00:54:19,965
Three? Cheese!
1005
00:54:20,048 --> 00:54:23,427
Big, delicious sliders,
only at your Pizza Hut.
1006
00:54:23,510 --> 00:54:25,804
And that's how you make it great.
1007
00:54:25,888 --> 00:54:27,723
Alright, so...
1008
00:54:27,806 --> 00:54:31,059
so this airs during March Madness.
1009
00:54:31,143 --> 00:54:34,980
Everyone sees it. The night this airs,
friends send me text messages.
1010
00:54:35,063 --> 00:54:36,273
"Hey, man,
1011
00:54:36,773 --> 00:54:37,941
by any chance do you know
1012
00:54:38,025 --> 00:54:41,612
how many pizza sliders you get in a box
for just ten bucks?"
1013
00:54:46,950 --> 00:54:47,868
"Nine!"
1014
00:54:47,951 --> 00:54:51,747
"Is it true you can mix and match
up to three ways?"
1015
00:54:53,999 --> 00:54:55,584
"Yes, three. Yes."
1016
00:54:55,667 --> 00:54:58,754
A buddy of mine sends me this screengrab.
1017
00:55:01,590 --> 00:55:06,220
"Just saw my high school prom date
in a Pizza Hut ad."
1018
00:55:06,303 --> 00:55:08,222
#throwback.
1019
00:55:08,305 --> 00:55:09,806
#it's a small world.
1020
00:55:10,474 --> 00:55:12,559
#brilliant.
1021
00:55:14,144 --> 00:55:15,562
To which I reply,
1022
00:55:18,190 --> 00:55:20,567
"We didn't end up going, though.
1023
00:55:21,527 --> 00:55:23,070
How've you been?"
1024
00:55:23,820 --> 00:55:25,697
#MrP.
1025
00:55:26,365 --> 00:55:28,116
#Calc.
1026
00:55:28,617 --> 00:55:30,911
To which she replies,
1027
00:55:31,578 --> 00:55:36,667
"I know! Made for a better tweet though.
1028
00:55:36,750 --> 00:55:39,294
Let me know when you're in New York."
1029
00:55:39,795 --> 00:55:41,672
To which I reply,
1030
00:55:41,755 --> 00:55:43,757
"abso-fucking-lutely."
1031
00:55:43,840 --> 00:55:47,636
Now, against the advice of my therapist
I go on Facebook,
1032
00:55:47,719 --> 00:55:49,805
because she has a public profile.
1033
00:55:49,888 --> 00:55:53,433
So I start clicking around.
"Bethany Reed." Okay.
1034
00:55:53,517 --> 00:55:56,228
"Lives in Manhattan." Duh, we knew that.
1035
00:55:57,020 --> 00:55:59,147
"In a relationship with..." I click it.
1036
00:56:15,706 --> 00:56:17,541
"Rajesh...
1037
00:56:17,624 --> 00:56:20,168
Rengatramanajanana..."
1038
00:56:20,252 --> 00:56:22,754
She is dating an Indian dude,
1039
00:56:22,838 --> 00:56:24,965
and this dude is Indian as fuck.
1040
00:56:25,048 --> 00:56:26,842
Look at his name!
1041
00:56:26,925 --> 00:56:29,386
Look at how big his name is.
1042
00:56:29,469 --> 00:56:33,348
It's so big, it barely fits
in his Facebook profile.
1043
00:56:33,432 --> 00:56:35,809
So big. Ten syllables.
1044
00:56:35,892 --> 00:56:40,981
Ra-jesh Ren-gat-ra-ma-na-ja-na-nam.
1045
00:56:41,064 --> 00:56:44,234
Are you kidding me?
How many letters are in the alphabet?
1046
00:56:44,318 --> 00:56:48,405
How many letters in the alphabet?
26 letters in the alphabet, right?
1047
00:56:48,488 --> 00:56:51,283
How many letters are in
Rajesh Rengatramanajananam? 25.
1048
00:56:51,366 --> 00:56:54,494
That's one less letter
than the entire alphabet.
1049
00:56:54,578 --> 00:56:57,789
Come on! How easy is my name?
Hasan Minhaj. So easy.
1050
00:56:57,873 --> 00:57:00,000
She was like, "Fuck that.
1051
00:57:00,709 --> 00:57:03,170
Give me the Rajesh Rengatramana...
1052
00:57:03,253 --> 00:57:05,005
motherfucking-jananam."
1053
00:57:05,088 --> 00:57:08,508
Like, "No!" God is laughing at me.
God is laughing at me.
1054
00:57:08,592 --> 00:57:11,553
Now, against the advice of my therapist...
1055
00:57:12,638 --> 00:57:13,889
I make contact.
1056
00:57:13,972 --> 00:57:17,559
She's like, "Do not make contact."
I'm like, "Tell me what I want to hear."
1057
00:57:17,643 --> 00:57:20,020
"Need closure? Go for it."
"See you next week."
1058
00:57:20,103 --> 00:57:21,188
Therapy is bullshit.
1059
00:57:21,855 --> 00:57:25,734
"Bethany, I've got a gig in New York
next week. I would love to meet up."
1060
00:57:25,817 --> 00:57:28,278
She's like, "Yeah, let's meet up."
1061
00:57:28,362 --> 00:57:32,491
And I go from LA to New York,
direct flight. Pizza Hut money.
1062
00:57:32,574 --> 00:57:35,535
I'm walking through New York. I'm livid.
1063
00:57:35,619 --> 00:57:36,662
I'm pissed.
1064
00:57:36,745 --> 00:57:38,664
How is this possible?
1065
00:57:38,747 --> 00:57:41,416
How is this possible?
Rajesh Rengatramana...
1066
00:57:41,875 --> 00:57:43,210
How does she make love?
1067
00:57:43,293 --> 00:57:45,545
"Oh, my God,
Rajesh Rengatramanajananam,
1068
00:57:45,629 --> 00:57:47,214
give it to me right now.
1069
00:57:47,297 --> 00:57:50,425
Rajesh Rengatramanajananam,
I want you so bad.
1070
00:57:50,509 --> 00:57:52,803
Put your Rajesh
in my Rengatramanajananam."
1071
00:57:52,886 --> 00:57:54,262
I was like, "Stop it.
1072
00:57:55,180 --> 00:57:59,059
Stop imagining her having sex
with Rajesh Rengatramanajananam.
1073
00:58:00,519 --> 00:58:02,020
You've got leverage.
1074
00:58:02,104 --> 00:58:05,565
Walk in there, be cool.
Walk in there, be confident.
1075
00:58:05,649 --> 00:58:08,819
Be like this, dude.
Walk in there and just own it.
1076
00:58:08,902 --> 00:58:11,238
Be like this, be like this."
1077
00:58:18,537 --> 00:58:19,621
"What's up?"
1078
00:58:19,705 --> 00:58:23,375
Do that with this, and then lick the lips
and go, "What's up?"
1079
00:58:23,458 --> 00:58:25,085
I'm practicing it.
1080
00:58:25,168 --> 00:58:28,046
I get to the door, open the door,
1081
00:58:28,130 --> 00:58:29,965
then I hear, "Hey, Hasan!"
1082
00:58:30,549 --> 00:58:32,175
She's sitting outside.
1083
00:58:33,385 --> 00:58:35,929
She saw me doing this shit
in the street.
1084
00:58:41,768 --> 00:58:44,104
I was like, "Oh, hey, what's up?
1085
00:58:45,188 --> 00:58:47,482
Is someone sitting there? Cool."
1086
00:58:47,566 --> 00:58:50,485
I just walk up and I'm like,
"Alright, yeah.
1087
00:58:50,569 --> 00:58:52,738
I'll just sit here, cool."
1088
00:58:53,488 --> 00:58:54,906
I'm sitting there.
1089
00:58:54,990 --> 00:58:57,325
When you see
someone from your past,
1090
00:58:57,409 --> 00:58:59,953
all of a sudden, you're that age again.
1091
00:59:00,537 --> 00:59:04,541
So all that Kanye juice
just goes out of my body.
1092
00:59:05,459 --> 00:59:07,502
I can't say anything.
1093
00:59:07,586 --> 00:59:09,713
It's like the adults in
Charlie Brown.
1094
00:59:09,796 --> 00:59:13,008
I can't say anything.
20 minutes, 30 minutes, 40 minutes.
1095
00:59:13,091 --> 00:59:16,053
"Dude, are you going to be
a
darapok again?
1096
00:59:16,136 --> 00:59:17,721
Say something."
1097
00:59:18,430 --> 00:59:21,475
She starts talking about rent control
and I cut her off.
1098
00:59:21,558 --> 00:59:23,435
"Bethany, do you know why I'm here?
1099
00:59:24,603 --> 00:59:26,646
I'm here to talk about prom."
1100
00:59:29,691 --> 00:59:32,611
And her face went white.
1101
00:59:33,904 --> 00:59:37,074
You guys knew she was white?
It went whiter than white.
1102
00:59:37,741 --> 00:59:40,243
And I was like, "You knew my situation.
You knew it.
1103
00:59:40,327 --> 00:59:42,954
I was ride or die for you.
At that age, that's a lot.
1104
00:59:43,038 --> 00:59:46,083
You weren't the same for me, fine.
Whatever.
1105
00:59:46,166 --> 00:59:48,168
But what makes matters worse is,
1106
00:59:48,251 --> 00:59:50,253
you had me socially crucified.
1107
00:59:50,337 --> 00:59:52,005
You knew how hard it was for me,
1108
00:59:52,089 --> 00:59:56,718
and then I was so insecure at that age
that I couldn't date another white person,
1109
00:59:56,802 --> 01:00:00,097
because I was afraid of not being able
to be with them,
1110
01:00:00,180 --> 01:00:02,724
because of the color of my skin.
1111
01:00:02,808 --> 01:00:04,601
Do you know what that's like?
1112
01:00:04,684 --> 01:00:06,853
And now, I'm trying to pursue my dreams,
1113
01:00:06,937 --> 01:00:08,438
I'm trying,
1114
01:00:08,522 --> 01:00:11,900
but now you're writing about me,
you act like we're cool,
1115
01:00:11,983 --> 01:00:13,860
when we're not.
1116
01:00:14,444 --> 01:00:16,238
Why do you do that?"
1117
01:00:17,322 --> 01:00:21,034
And she was like, "I am so sorry.
1118
01:00:21,952 --> 01:00:25,080
But you know we were 18, right?
1119
01:00:25,789 --> 01:00:28,583
Like, I really wanted to go with you.
1120
01:00:28,667 --> 01:00:30,836
But my mom, she's very controlling.
1121
01:00:30,919 --> 01:00:35,048
Do you know what it's like to have
a parent that controls your life?"
1122
01:00:35,966 --> 01:00:40,345
"No, I don't. What is that like? Do tell.
I would love to hear that story."
1123
01:00:41,513 --> 01:00:42,681
"Tell me more."
1124
01:00:44,975 --> 01:00:46,643
What?
1125
01:00:46,726 --> 01:00:49,104
She's like, "I wish I could
have gone with you.
1126
01:00:49,187 --> 01:00:51,231
But I can't change the past.
1127
01:00:51,731 --> 01:00:55,777
I never thought you would want
to talk to me ever again.
1128
01:00:55,861 --> 01:00:58,280
But the reason why I write about you
1129
01:00:58,363 --> 01:01:00,991
is because I see you kept your promise.
1130
01:01:01,950 --> 01:01:04,911
So even if you never want
to talk to me ever again,
1131
01:01:05,537 --> 01:01:07,664
I'll always be rooting for you."
1132
01:01:08,874 --> 01:01:12,919
You know how you carry hatred
in your heart about people in your past?
1133
01:01:13,003 --> 01:01:15,172
"They did this to me. Fuck them."
1134
01:01:15,255 --> 01:01:16,590
Damn them.
1135
01:01:18,967 --> 01:01:22,012
In that moment, I let it go.
1136
01:01:22,512 --> 01:01:24,890
I crushed it like a Voldemort Horcrux.
1137
01:01:33,732 --> 01:01:37,110
But I had to ask her the question
that we're all thinking.
1138
01:01:40,864 --> 01:01:43,909
"What about Mr Rengatramanajananam?"
1139
01:01:43,992 --> 01:01:47,954
She's like, "I hit it off with this guy.
We decide to move in together.
1140
01:01:48,038 --> 01:01:50,874
I needed money for a deposit
so I called my mom."
1141
01:01:50,957 --> 01:01:52,417
"What did your mom say?"
1142
01:01:52,500 --> 01:01:56,630
"My mom was like, 'No.
You know the way our family is.
1143
01:01:56,713 --> 01:01:58,465
So make up your mind.'"
1144
01:01:59,090 --> 01:02:01,343
And I was like, "What did you say?"
1145
01:02:01,426 --> 01:02:03,929
And she's like,
"I told my mom, 'Not again.
1146
01:02:04,429 --> 01:02:07,974
This isn't high school.
Raj is a good person and so am I.
1147
01:02:08,058 --> 01:02:10,727
So I'm going to be with him
because it's right.
1148
01:02:10,810 --> 01:02:13,021
I hope you make up your mind.'"
1149
01:02:14,314 --> 01:02:16,483
And I'm looking at her,
1150
01:02:17,150 --> 01:02:19,069
and I'm so embarrassed.
1151
01:02:20,320 --> 01:02:23,156
I'm like, "Dude, what are you doing?
1152
01:02:24,407 --> 01:02:28,662
Why are you hunting down people
from your past like a psycho?
1153
01:02:30,121 --> 01:02:33,041
You're not Liam Neeson.
What is going on?"
1154
01:02:34,334 --> 01:02:37,212
I realized, "You don't give a shit
about this person."
1155
01:02:37,295 --> 01:02:39,005
I care about what she represents.
1156
01:02:39,673 --> 01:02:42,217
Growing up, we just want that co-sign.
1157
01:02:42,300 --> 01:02:44,219
To tell them you're good enough.
1158
01:02:44,302 --> 01:02:48,431
"Sit here. You're good enough."
But that's not the American dream.
1159
01:02:48,515 --> 01:02:52,811
It's not asking for a co-sign.
It's what every generation did before you.
1160
01:02:52,894 --> 01:02:54,980
You claim that shit on your own terms.
1161
01:02:55,063 --> 01:02:57,816
Pizza Hut pizza sliders.
Nine in a box for just ten bucks.
1162
01:02:57,899 --> 01:02:59,109
That's you.
1163
01:02:59,776 --> 01:03:03,238
You're not Hasan Minhaj.
You're "Hussan Minhajj".
1164
01:03:03,321 --> 01:03:07,409
This is new brown America. The dream
is for you to take, so take that shit.
1165
01:03:07,492 --> 01:03:09,244
Stop blaming other people.
1166
01:03:15,333 --> 01:03:19,671
Now I'm standing outside the restaurant
and I can't even concentrate,
1167
01:03:19,754 --> 01:03:22,048
because I know she's
more evolved than me.
1168
01:03:22,132 --> 01:03:24,968
She's like, "Next time,
me, you and Raj should hang out."
1169
01:03:25,051 --> 01:03:29,306
I'm like, "Yeah, let's not do that."
And I'm walking to the subway station.
1170
01:03:29,973 --> 01:03:32,434
But I take one last look
at the restaurant.
1171
01:03:32,517 --> 01:03:34,728
Just to see her one last time.
1172
01:03:34,811 --> 01:03:38,231
To know that generational change
is possible with one choice.
1173
01:03:38,940 --> 01:03:40,567
I turn around and I look,
1174
01:03:41,735 --> 01:03:43,445
but she's gone.
1175
01:03:44,195 --> 01:03:46,114
And I never saw her again.
1176
01:03:46,990 --> 01:03:50,785
I did keep my promise, though.
You know, I kept doing comedy.
1177
01:03:50,869 --> 01:03:52,370
I never knew...
1178
01:03:52,871 --> 01:03:56,082
I never knew if I would do
anything more than Pizza Hut.
1179
01:03:56,166 --> 01:03:58,293
You know how you hit that point
1180
01:03:58,376 --> 01:04:01,171
when your parents give up on you
and move on?
1181
01:04:01,254 --> 01:04:02,797
"Let's move on to Aisha."
1182
01:04:03,715 --> 01:04:06,176
One day I get an email
from my manager.
1183
01:04:06,259 --> 01:04:10,722
"Want to audition for
The Daily Show?"
That's not a question. That's a statement.
1184
01:04:10,805 --> 01:04:12,724
"Hey, audition for
The Daily Show."
1185
01:04:12,807 --> 01:04:15,185
I submit a tape. I get a call.
1186
01:04:15,268 --> 01:04:18,188
"Jon Stewart saw your tape.
Come to New York.
1187
01:04:18,271 --> 01:04:19,898
They want you to audition.
1188
01:04:19,981 --> 01:04:22,609
But, but...
1189
01:04:23,943 --> 01:04:26,654
you have to write another original piece.
1190
01:04:26,738 --> 01:04:28,323
Can you write another?"
1191
01:04:28,406 --> 01:04:31,743
"No, I can't. I'm not Larry David.
1192
01:04:31,826 --> 01:04:34,829
I can't do
Seinfeld and
Curb.
I'm a mere mortal."
1193
01:04:34,913 --> 01:04:37,415
I'm walking back and forth
in my apartment,
1194
01:04:37,499 --> 01:04:39,709
like, "I'm going to die here."
1195
01:04:39,793 --> 01:04:43,171
And it's amazing
how racism will always happen to you
1196
01:04:43,254 --> 01:04:44,964
when you need it the most.
1197
01:04:46,049 --> 01:04:49,761
Like changing the oil on your car.
"Oh, 15,000 miles. Racism."
1198
01:04:49,844 --> 01:04:52,514
So I'm watching
Real Time With Bill Maher.
1199
01:04:52,597 --> 01:04:55,558
Have you guys seen
Real Time With Bill Maher?
1200
01:04:55,642 --> 01:04:57,310
You know Bill's demeanor.
1201
01:04:57,394 --> 01:05:00,647
"Hey, do you believe in God?
You're a fucking idiot."
1202
01:05:00,730 --> 01:05:04,484
And everyone's like,
"Oh, the atheist prophet speaks!"
1203
01:05:05,151 --> 01:05:07,821
So this clip went viral,
him and Ben Affleck.
1204
01:05:07,904 --> 01:05:11,908
Bill Maher is like, "These Muslims,
85 percent of them hate our freedom.
1205
01:05:11,991 --> 01:05:15,453
We've got to round them up,
we've got to contain them."
1206
01:05:15,537 --> 01:05:19,290
And Ben Affleck's like, "Are you crazy?
Round them up, contain them?
1207
01:05:19,374 --> 01:05:23,586
Dude, we did that to the Japanese.
You can't do that. Am I crazy?"
1208
01:05:23,670 --> 01:05:25,839
And I was like, "No, you're not crazy.
1209
01:05:26,423 --> 01:05:28,299
You're my white prince."
1210
01:05:30,385 --> 01:05:33,430
Don't you realize
what happened in that moment?
1211
01:05:33,513 --> 01:05:36,850
We got our first A-list celebrity
to back the Muslim community.
1212
01:05:36,933 --> 01:05:38,518
We got Batman, baby!
1213
01:05:38,601 --> 01:05:42,730
"He may not be the hero we want, but he is
the hero the Muslim world needs."
1214
01:05:42,814 --> 01:05:44,357
"Batman versus Bill Maher."
1215
01:05:44,441 --> 01:05:47,652
I write the piece, go to New York.
1216
01:05:47,735 --> 01:05:49,362
You get it, right?
1217
01:05:49,446 --> 01:05:52,365
The producer answers the door:
"Audition with me.
1218
01:05:52,449 --> 01:05:54,951
When you're ready, Jon will come down.
1219
01:05:55,034 --> 01:05:56,161
Run it with me."
1220
01:05:56,244 --> 01:05:58,246
We're walking down the hallway,
1221
01:05:58,329 --> 01:06:03,084
and I see all these photos of the old
correspondents that came before me.
1222
01:06:03,168 --> 01:06:06,421
Steve Carell, John Oliver,
1223
01:06:06,504 --> 01:06:08,756
Sam Bee, Jason Jones,
1224
01:06:08,840 --> 01:06:11,759
Ed Helms, Steven Colbert...
1225
01:06:11,843 --> 01:06:13,303
and me?
1226
01:06:14,345 --> 01:06:16,139
Keema roti, me?
1227
01:06:16,890 --> 01:06:20,310
You know we don't end up this far.
You know the way it is.
1228
01:06:20,393 --> 01:06:22,520
Middle management till we die.
1229
01:06:22,604 --> 01:06:24,772
We're not on that stage, ever.
1230
01:06:26,065 --> 01:06:28,568
I walk in and I see that
Daily Show globe.
1231
01:06:28,651 --> 01:06:30,778
I can't tell you how blue it is.
1232
01:06:31,488 --> 01:06:33,740
And now I'm sweating through my suit.
1233
01:06:34,324 --> 01:06:37,035
The producer is like,
"We'll run it a few times."
1234
01:06:37,118 --> 01:06:39,704
And I sit down and I get to the desk.
1235
01:06:39,787 --> 01:06:42,081
Sitting presidents
have sat on that desk.
1236
01:06:42,165 --> 01:06:45,627
I sit down and we're running it,
and I'm nervous.
1237
01:06:45,710 --> 01:06:49,214
He goes, "Hey, man,
just slow down. Alright?"
1238
01:06:49,297 --> 01:06:52,342
We run it a second time.
Now I'm stuttering.
1239
01:06:52,425 --> 01:06:55,970
And he goes,
"Hey, man, relax. You're funny."
1240
01:06:56,596 --> 01:07:00,683
Which is a tell-tale sign of being, like,
"Hey, man. You're not funny.
1241
01:07:01,893 --> 01:07:03,186
You shouldn't relax."
1242
01:07:03,269 --> 01:07:06,356
And I can feel it. I'm choking.
We've all been there.
1243
01:07:06,439 --> 01:07:10,109
Everyone's, "How did it go?"
You're like, "Positive thoughts."
1244
01:07:10,193 --> 01:07:13,863
No, it's not happening. You're not.
You are choking.
1245
01:07:13,947 --> 01:07:16,991
MCAT, DAT, you're going to the Caribbean,
it's a wrap.
1246
01:07:17,075 --> 01:07:20,912
You choked, right? Too real? It's real.
We've all been there.
1247
01:07:20,995 --> 01:07:24,165
And I can feel this turtle head
coming out of my butt.
1248
01:07:24,249 --> 01:07:27,502
I'm really nervous. I'm pooping my pants.
I'm like, "No!"
1249
01:07:27,585 --> 01:07:28,962
Then I hear...
1250
01:07:32,090 --> 01:07:34,759
I know that voice.
It's Jewish Yoda. It's Jon.
1251
01:07:37,053 --> 01:07:40,223
He's walking through the tunnel
where the guests come,
1252
01:07:40,306 --> 01:07:41,558
so he's just back-lit.
1253
01:07:42,308 --> 01:07:45,979
So I just see a giant shadow
walking towards me,
1254
01:07:46,479 --> 01:07:49,023
and I hear his accomplishments
at each step.
1255
01:07:49,649 --> 01:07:52,402
"Boom! I am Jon Stewart.
1256
01:07:53,069 --> 01:07:56,990
Boom! Twenty-two-time
Emmy-award-winning Jon Stewart.
1257
01:07:57,574 --> 01:08:02,579
Boom! I redefined political satire
and comedy. What have you done?"
1258
01:08:02,662 --> 01:08:05,123
I'm like, "Have you heard of Pizza Hut?"
1259
01:08:13,214 --> 01:08:15,925
Then he steps into the light,
1260
01:08:16,884 --> 01:08:19,053
and he's shorter than I thought.
1261
01:08:19,137 --> 01:08:21,472
And he has all this scruff on his face.
1262
01:08:22,015 --> 01:08:25,143
And I look at him, and I'm like...
1263
01:08:26,144 --> 01:08:27,562
"Dad?"
1264
01:08:28,271 --> 01:08:30,773
He had Jewish Najmi vibes.
He shakes my hand.
1265
01:08:30,857 --> 01:08:33,943
I could feel it,
like he'd slapped me in a previous life.
1266
01:08:34,027 --> 01:08:35,528
I was like, "I know this hand!"
1267
01:08:35,612 --> 01:08:38,364
He starts riffing, I start riffing.
1268
01:08:38,448 --> 01:08:41,451
The prompter guy: "What are you doing?"
"I got this."
1269
01:08:41,534 --> 01:08:43,911
I had it all memorized.
One shot,
Eight Mile.
1270
01:08:43,995 --> 01:08:46,998
And I stuck my landing
like a Russian gymnast.
1271
01:08:47,081 --> 01:08:49,208
"Thank you for the opportunity."
1272
01:08:49,292 --> 01:08:52,754
I tucked that turtle head
back in my butt. "We're going home."
1273
01:08:52,837 --> 01:08:55,548
I walk out the door,
but then I hear a voice.
1274
01:08:55,632 --> 01:08:57,925
"Hey, man, where are you going?"
1275
01:08:58,009 --> 01:08:59,636
And it's Jon.
1276
01:09:00,303 --> 01:09:03,181
I was like, "Oh, I live in LA.
1277
01:09:05,433 --> 01:09:07,352
I've got to go back to LA."
1278
01:09:08,019 --> 01:09:09,979
"Well, I'll see you Monday, right?"
1279
01:09:10,980 --> 01:09:12,732
I was like, "Why?"
1280
01:09:14,525 --> 01:09:16,110
"Well, you work here.
1281
01:09:16,944 --> 01:09:18,946
So I'll see you Monday, right?"
1282
01:09:21,699 --> 01:09:24,952
I couldn't believe it. I was like,
"Oscar speech, go.
1283
01:09:25,036 --> 01:09:26,663
Say what you got to say."
1284
01:09:26,746 --> 01:09:28,247
What I wanted to say was,
1285
01:09:28,331 --> 01:09:32,543
"Jon, this is one of the only things
that I've gotten
1286
01:09:33,127 --> 01:09:35,797
in my entire career
1287
01:09:35,880 --> 01:09:37,757
that my dad actually knows."
1288
01:09:38,966 --> 01:09:40,635
"So thank you."
1289
01:09:41,344 --> 01:09:43,304
But what I said was,
1290
01:09:43,388 --> 01:09:45,056
"Jon!
1291
01:09:45,682 --> 01:09:47,350
My dad...
1292
01:09:48,434 --> 01:09:50,353
knows you!"
1293
01:09:59,028 --> 01:10:01,030
He's like, "Yeah, I'm sure he does."
1294
01:10:01,114 --> 01:10:05,618
I pinch myself. "You're Hasan Minhaj.
You're going to be on
The Daily Show."
1295
01:10:05,702 --> 01:10:09,664
I run outside.
I call my girl. She's crying.
1296
01:10:09,747 --> 01:10:11,499
I call my mom, she's crying.
1297
01:10:11,582 --> 01:10:13,626
I call my dad, he says "Good job."
1298
01:10:13,710 --> 01:10:18,881
"What? 'Good job'? Say it again.
I can't hear you, Dad. Say it."
1299
01:10:18,965 --> 01:10:22,927
A car almost hits me.
I'm, like, "No! I can't die.
1300
01:10:23,010 --> 01:10:25,346
I've got to drop
the greatest status update."
1301
01:10:25,430 --> 01:10:28,266
I run upstairs, open my laptop,
fire up Facebook,
1302
01:10:28,349 --> 01:10:29,475
and then I see this.
1303
01:10:43,656 --> 01:10:45,116
You guys see this, right?
1304
01:10:47,702 --> 01:10:49,454
Don't you know what this means?
1305
01:10:50,955 --> 01:10:52,498
Don't you get it?
1306
01:10:54,375 --> 01:10:56,544
I'm the cure for racism.
1307
01:10:59,088 --> 01:11:00,715
I cured it.
1308
01:11:01,716 --> 01:11:05,428
Alright, maybe I didn't cure it,
but everyone has a purpose.
1309
01:11:05,511 --> 01:11:08,347
Some people were put here
to find a cure for cancer,
1310
01:11:08,431 --> 01:11:09,932
or find a vaccine for Ebola.
1311
01:11:10,016 --> 01:11:14,353
My life is definitive proof
that once you go brown,
1312
01:11:14,437 --> 01:11:16,272
you've got to lock that shit down.
1313
01:11:29,243 --> 01:11:31,204
Thank you. Thank you.
1314
01:11:31,913 --> 01:11:35,082
Good night. Be well.
God bless. I love you guys.
1315
01:11:35,166 --> 01:11:37,835
I love you guys. Good night. I love you.
106911