All language subtitles for Tips for Cheating (Porady Na Zdrady) (2017)

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She's not coming, son.

She's never late.

There's always a first.

She'll be here, you'll see.

- You were supposed to help us.
- I am helping.

Yeah, right.

But you're in luck.
It's a special day.

What's special about it?

Find out for yourself.

You're close.

You said you'd never marry.

I lied.

TIPS FOR CHEATING

That's it.

Of course we will add some details,
just the finishing touch.

I hope it looks
exactly as you pictured it.

- It's perfect.
- Great.

Excuse me for just a sec.

I'm sorry. Good morning.

Finally.

I'm sorry. We just...

We couldn't get out of bed.

Force majeure, love in bloom.

How about a double wedding tomorrow?

I don't have the dress,
but we're considering it.

What's there to consider?
Hey, Alex...

- We lost him.
- Huh?

Well... You go first, we will follow.

Sounds cool, I want the car.

Sure, honey...

I'll take the metro. Or the bus.

Thanks. Ciao.

Bye.

It's so pretty.
Really beautiful.

Wait, stop right there.

Wow.

You're going to love the photo shoot
on the riverbanks.

What's up?

It's tomorrow.

Tomorrow, that's right.

Hey, girl.

Don't you cry.

You're pretty romantic
for a scientific mind.

This is Anna from Opel OnStar,
what can I do for you?

I'd like to report my car stolen.

Please cut this jerk off,
I mean the ignition.

Thanks.

For?

Moron, imbecile and a mean backstabber.

I wish him eternal impotence
caused by severe syphilis.

Wait a moment,
it's your feelings talking.

They're not talking, they're screaming.
Write it down:

May your life be a bed of nails,
may your ass be in pain forever...

And shit all over yourself.

You might add:

Have a good read.
From Dominika Ferret. Or just Ferret.

That is precisely why I am loyal
to my wife.

- It's because you love her.
- Deeply.

- Chill out, it's going to be fine.
- It's not. I blocked you, traitor.

Ferret?

I wanted to help this lady
with a problem...

Problem? You've got a problem.
The police are coming.

Make up some bullshit,
you're good at it.

The police? Why?

Here's a keepsake.

Want a book?

I'll be right there.

You're not going to believe this,
I have to go to work.

- Today?
- Yes, now, immediately.

The system's down,
nobody can take care of it.

Nobody in the whole world?

Love, it's just around the corner.

I'll be back before you notice I'm gone.

Great, I'm marrying a workaholic.

Oh, and who's the one
designing a website until dawn?

Have you seen my phone?

Found it!

- Rafal...
- Yeah?

Will you get ready on time?

I don't have to be as beautiful...

as you.

- Come back soon.
- I will!

Hello?

Rafal is it you?

Where are you?

The system's down...

Freaking liar.

Oh no...

You are not going to cry
because of him.

How about leaving everything behind
and moving to Cuba?

- Cuba?
- Yeah.

It's a poor country
with no Internet access.

Oh, then no.

God damn it!
Do you want to kill me'?

You're such a bore, no imagination.

Hey, miss!

Jesus...

Is everything fine?

Nothing is fine.

Are you hurt?

No, I think I tripped.

Maybe we should take you home?

No, I'll just stay here.

Or I'll go for a walk.

Are you sure?
You don't look so good.

How rude!

A freaking aesthete.

This mad girl
almost got me into prison.

Your mad driving
almost got you there.

- You could use some phlegm at the wheel.
- You're phlegm.

Why did I marry you in the first place?

This is Opel OnStar,
what can I do for you?

We had a little fender-bender,
please check the car.

The car is fine.
Have a safe trip.

Fasten your seatbelt.

Poor girl.

Join the club.

The club? You too?

Come live with me now.

I could use company, too.

But what next?

You mean him or accommodation?

See this?

I'm such an idiot.

I'm such an idiot.

I'm done with him.
I'm done with all men.

Almost all men cheat,
but you don't always find out.

Better sooner than later.

What would I do if I found out
after the wedding?

Smart girl.

How many women must be wondering
right now - is he cheating?

Are these flowers a sign of love
or just a smokescreen?

What?

Tell me.

We could become fidelity investigators.

You know, a girl pays you
to seduce her guy.

If he falls for you, bang!
Caught red handed.

But, you mean...

No...

No, I mean...

A kiss. General intent would do.

I like it.

So do I.

No more scot-free shags.

How much did we earn?

Nice turnover, huh?

I wouldn't give up your job just yet.

Besides, we're doing it
to support a good cause.

- And for...
- ... pleasure.

That's it.

Their faces are priceless.

- Which sauce?
- What is it'?

Vegan caesar salad.

With sausages?

With wieners.

- Wow.
- What?

Tips for Cheating.

By Maciej Woltynski.

The expert personal coach
writes about his love to his wife.

Looks a bit like Krychowiak.

He is the exception
that proves the rule.

My friend went to him almost half naked.
He didn't even look at her.

- Not Krychowiak.
- Blaszczykowski.

- Living perfection.
- His wife is a lucky girl.

- Tasty.
- You don't say.

All this kissing makes me hungry.

Good morning.

- There you go. Have a nice day.
- Thank you.

Hi there.

Hi.

I'm sorry about that scene in the car.

Sometimes I forget you deserve...

the best.

No, I'm sorry, Mouse.

Tada!

Concert tickets.

Real Cubans from Cuba.

If you're happy, I'm happy.

Thank you.

I want us to be like we used to be.

I will do my best, I promise.

- Bye.
- Bye, have a nice day.

I'm telling you, she hired
those fidelity investigators.

It turned out he's all hanky-panky.

That bastard.
Maybe I should investigate mine.

- How much is it?
- Yes, how much?

It's for a friend.

Nobody can be trusted.
Woltynski, I would vouch for him.

Beata, we are very sorry.

Maybe this text is nothing,
maybe I'm mistaken.

"Put on my favourite stockings.
On my way."

This tells us everything.

I want at-fault divorce.

But the judge won't accept
one silly text as proof.

I need more.

Images that tell the story.

I'll do it perfectly.

- I'll take it.
- He's mine.

- It's cut out for me.
- I'm doing it.

You, you will seduce him.

With pleasure.

Tips for cheating.
He's such a sneak.

He won't be an easy catch.
A miniskirt won't do.

Find a way.

You have to squeeze me in.

Only he can help me get a grip.

If I don't talk to him at once...

I'll blow myself up in front of
the parliament. That's a useful death.

All right, you'll be next.

You need to wait 10 minutes.

10 minutes.

Maybe I should impersonate
a businessman?

Be yourself.

Ok, we'll work it out.

Maybe a poet?

Do you know how popular poets are?

- Girls love poets.
- But they hate liars.

Remember why you're here.

- To learn to be myself.
- That's right.

I'll think about it.

- Could you sign it?
- For?

Just sign it, I'll add something later.

Hi, I'm back.

I had this deal in Jamaica, you know.

But my dreadlocks fell off, you know...

Because of a Rasta man.
But it's all right now.

- Hey, Rasta man, can I get inside?
- I'll call you back.

- Bless you sister.
- I hate reggae. Excuse me.

- I hate it too.
- I'm glad we understand each other.

Didn't I...? No, I didn't. Bye...

- Have a good read.
- Thank you.

Sports style but still a great look.

What else do you have?

He is going straight to the gym.

But what do I do to seduce him?

He wouldn't tell, he's professional.

I didn't want to overdo it.
But the gym is a good start.

A tempting pal.

That's it. Breasts won't do the trick.
Though...

- What are you doing?
- With such resources one has to try!

I told you, guidebooks are a goldmine.

It's my first and last.

Sometimes I begin to doubt coaching.
Maybe people can't be changed.

But you can make money on that.
Like me. Like you.

If only there was money in astronomy.
I'd sit and count stars.

Well, wives have a way
of dragging you back to earth.

Especially luxurious wives.

- Beata is not a luxurious wife.
- Oh, please.

You could feed an African village
for one of her handbags.

You misjudge her.
She is...

a wonderful woman.

Enthusiasm score: 1/10.

- We're going through a rough time.
- That's all right after 7 years.

I wrote about it in "101 Reasons
for a Relationship Crisis".

There may be a 1000 reasons.

They'd never publish such a brick.
It has to be loo friendly.

Where did your idealism go?
You are a philosopher.

Yes, and I chose pragmatism.

Do you know what will
revive your marriage?

No.

Neither do I.
But you need and impulse.

Your reflex sucks.

Is this your first time?

You fight like a lady,
you'll fight with a lady.

Kalina, come here.

- I'll master dodging.
- You could use that.

Meet your partner.

Give me all you've got.

With pleasure.

Bad day?

No. It's perfect.

Maciek, look at me.

Maciek?

How the hell do you know my name?

Maciek Woltynski, I read your book.

About fidelity.

- Kalina.
- Maciek.

I'm sorry for the thrashing.
I got carried away.

- I earned it.
- Did you?

- I chose this sport.
- Maybe coffee? Or drinks next week?

As an apology.

No, there's no need. Thanks.
It happens.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Haven't we met?

I don't recall.

It was nice meeting you.

I'm so sorry.

Are you staying or leaving?

- Which answer is better?
- Take a shot.

- Staying.
- Suit yourself.

And you?

- Leaving.
- Then I'm leaving, too.

What took you so long?

I like to tease.

I hit him so hard
I beat the romance out of his head.

Literally.

But he seems so...

I don't know...

so good-natured.

With a slight ornithological problem.

I know, a chick on his side.

But...

Hello?

Yes, we're on it...

Beata, please don't cry.

We'll get him, for sure.

You got the pills from the doctor?
Don't take anything on your own.

You're welcome.
It's going to be fine.

Take care.

Good-natured, huh?

I could have hit him stronger.

Photography doesn't pay?

Who orders it?

It depends.

Mostly white collars, corporats.

And they like beetroot cake?

Sure they do.

Try it.

It won't bite...

And?

- Not bad.
- You'll get somewhere.

But I prefer sausages.

Ok, but what do we do
about Maciek?

Not really.
Kalina didn't work out.

Maybe...

Margarita or Bloody Mary?

You said he doesn't party.

He doesn't.

But if his wife organised one...

He'd have to come.

Ferret, you're so smart.

That's it.

Keep an eye on these.

I'm ready.

I'm leaving. Don't feel embarrassed.

He should be here soon.

That's better.

Good luck.

I have a good feeling about this.

Hi.

May I ask why such a beautiful lady
is standing here alone?

My friends will be here any moment.

Injury?

Afghanistan.

Schrapnellmine.

- It's awful.
- But bearable.

- My name is Antek.
- Kalina.

The image might lag
but you can see all the rooms.

Almost all of them.

That way I can keep an eye
on my employees even from home.

This is the switch.

What a great idea.

But I don't think
anything will happen today.

Your husband isn't that spontaneous.

Tell me about it.

But you can never tell.

He backstabbed me more than once.

Figure of speech.

I see, I'll stay alert.

Let's check his location.

He's approaching.

It's time to go.

...and there's a swamp below.
A swamp in Afghanistan!

But it's there.

What a nuisance.

...it surrounds you and you can't move.

Try to move now.
See? You can't!

He's ruining it.

Excuse me, hello?

I see.

It's a soldier from Afghanistan.

Experienced in battle.

Listen, my friend's car broke down.

She needs some pushing.

- Where is it?
- That way.

- There? - Yes.
- I'll be right back.

Afghanistan was nothing
compared to Laos!

- A soldier?
- I'm a man of many professions.

What's broken?

Get in.

I'm not a master of zen.
Are we pushing or not?

Sit and be quiet.

Hi.

- I didn't think we'd meet again.
- The way we met...

- It's not destiny.
- I agree.

Do you know anyone here?

No, a friend invited me
and didn't show up.

And that guy...

He's a freak.

How do you know?

Intuition.

It's nice talking to you
but I have to go.

- Are you all right?
- I have to lie down.

There's a sofa over there.

Thank you.
It's my sugar.

Sometimes it plummets.

Breathe.

- Do you need water?
- Yes... or no.

I feel better.

Breathe.

Rest some more.
I really have to go now.

Work.

I got stood up by my catering partner.

I need to find someone for Saturday.

At short notice.

You don't have to.

I will do it.

- You do catering?
- I'm a pro.

- Don't get up.
- Breathing really helps.

Thanks.

My uncle is a Camaldolese monk.

You'd feel great in a monastery.

- No way.
- What?

Your friend will be disappointed.
I'm afraid she hoped for more.

- She can find another man.
- She'll have to.

My name is Antek.

- Ferret.
- That's nice.

You do have this cute snout.

It's my last name.

How about hamburgers?

It's a great idea.
You go, I'll wait here.

What do you want?

A millet burger with tofu and nettle.

It's my favourite. I'm on my way.

Wait, I'll make it easier for you.

Opel OnStar, Kasia speaking.
How can I help you?

Listen, we'd like two millet burgers
with tofu and nettle, double for me.

Anything to drink'?
Take some kale juice, it's on me.

- No...
- No drinks, that's all.

You're looking for the closest
burger bar, let me check.

A real banquet...

It's my favourite book.

It isn't worth the time.

There's no room in my life
for poor literature.

I'll be all alone in 15 minutes.

It's been a while since we had breakfast
in the garden.

True...

But flies and bees
will get here any moment.

You know how they terrify my.

We can always go inside.

Guests were looking for you yesterday.

I had this terrible migraine.

How was it?
Anything interesting?

Nothing special.

Did you have fun?

Aren't you running late?

You're right, I'm meeting
a client in a moment.

That's a pity. Bye.

Bye.

There's progress.

I think it's love.

What?

I fell in love with a vegan.

Me, a carnivore.

Do you think it could last?

Did you tell her?

I said I'm a vegan blogger
and a radical ecologist.

But it's all connected, isn't it?

So you want to build this relationship
on a lie.

A bit, yes.

Honesty is the key
to any healthy relationship.

It's a great theory.
But in practice...

Once I told a girl what I thought
about her and I ended up in plaster.

Up to the waist.

A lie got you fired.

An unpolished lie.

I'm a lousy salesman anyway.

I'd like to be like you.

Bullshit people with grace.
But I can't.

I have to use my both hands
to earn a living.

And what's wrong
with being a hand model?

Poor recognisability.

I blog about vegetables.

I publish stuff every week.

Right now I'm doing a French week.

The world of vegetables is so rich...

- We left cornsalad in the car.
- What?

- Cornsalad.
- French corné-salaté, sure thing.

Your corné-salaté.

Thank you.

Do you feel like peeling potatoes?

That's a bit beneath me but...

I'd do anything for you.

After you.

- Chop the squash.
- I didn't bring my racket.

- Squash.
- Duh.

- Cube cut it.
- Sure thing.

... so once I chop it all up

I take a photo
and publish it on the spot.

- Hi.
- Hello.

My new help, a vegan blogger.

You mean Afghan?

Let him shoot some good ideas.

Fire away.

- How's your leg?
- Recovering.

Hello?

Yes.

I'll pass the phone to my colleague.

A client, tomorrow at 7.

So, you're free tomorrow at 7?

No. Girl stuff.

It's done.

Anything else?

They're too big.

- You want them tiny?
- Yeah.

I get it, it's for letcho.

Dear ladies,
welcome to another workshop.

Today I want you to share
what cheating means to you.

What would you really
say to your ex partners?

Come here.

Steven, Tom, Kaz, he can take anything.

Ilona, you go first.

Thank you.

Tomek...

I'm sorry...

You left me, but I accepted it.

Be happy.

You left me, but I wish you luck.

Give llona a hand.

- May I?
- Time for Marysia.

Thank you.

This was supposed to be the most
beautiful day in our lives.

The day of our wedding.

That's when I found out
you cheated on me.

Could it get any worse?

But I do get it, you had to do it.

Wojtek, can you hear me?
I forgive you, darling.

I forgive you.

A big hand for Marysia.

Wait a minute!

So we're supposed to forgive everything?

I get understanding and tolerance,

but look around.

Have some dignity!

I will never forgive you!

Bravo! It's your first step
towards a new life.

Fantastic!

Come on, time to go.

Maciek!

- Thanks for everything.
- Thank you. Bye.

I'm sorry, I got carried away.

No worries, he's used to it.

It's not the first time
he lost his head.

- Want to go for a walk?
- Sure.

- I don't want to preach...
- But you will, anyway.

Cheating can happen to anyone.

It's not the end of the world.

Strangely, it happens more often to men.

See, you're angry, but that's all right.

Do you want to be angry your whole life?

Never trust again?

I never said that.

- But that's how you feel.
- What I feel doesn't count.

It's all that counts.

I'm sorry, we left everything there.

- We have to go back.
- Yes, we do.

- Thanks for the tip.
- You're welcome.

I expected something more daring.

The judge may questions this.

This is a straightforward kiss.

Like I said, he is a cheater.
And easy to catch.

Are you sure he's cheating on you?

Isn't that a silly question?

So we're done here?

I've been thinking...

Maybe we could go a step further?

A set of daring photos.

Unassailable proof.

- It's possible.
- Get down to work.

- Good bye.
- Bye.

- Will you tell me what is the matter?
- Something's off.

- But what?
- I don't think he's...

He's not the cheating type.

Before the kiss
you thought he was a cheat.

Now, after the kiss, you think he's not?
How is that logical?

- Oh no...
- What?

You fell for him.

No way, stop this nonsense.

- Are you sure?
- Yes, I am.

- Oh no!
- What?

Oh no, you fell for him!

Antek? I'd never fall
for that veggie liar.

He thinks he's so convincing.

So why do you answer?

I like tormenting him.

I wrote I'd like some St John's-bread.
I bet he'll check every bakery in town.

Isn't that bread?

No, it's a legume.

You're so cruel!

Catering for the next workshop is ready.

Get these rags off you
and dress more...

Or less.

What's up?

You're still hesitating.

Honestly?

Yes.

Listen, if he's loyal, he's loyal.

He'll keep his distance
and stay cold as ice.

Then we tell Beata to go to hell. Deal?

- Good morning.
- Where can I find Maciek?

- He's not in.
- What do you mean?

He was supposed
to sign the invoice.

Tymek is here, he can help.

Maciek is having personal issues.
I'm filling in for him.

- I'm Tymoteusz Barylak.
- Kalina.

Nice to meet you.
You should recognise me.

I don't.

I wrote many popular
guidebooks on relationships.

I am also the author of a bestselling
series of books on miniature cacti.

It was the most time consuming.

Haven't we met?

I'm not into botany.

And as for his problems,
is it serious?

- It can be solved surgically.
- What do you mean?

An ulcer has to be removed,
one called Beata.

I mentioned it in my brochure entitled
"Ulcer as a Metaphor of Marriage".

It sounds clinical, I must say.

But why label people?
There are different relationships.

- Including hopeless relationships.
- Cheating is hopeless.

- Would you forgive infidelity?
- Would you?

Definitely, I am very open.

- Some people just forgive.
- Some women, you mean.

According to statistics,
39% of mean cheat,

and only 29% of women.

Then Beata is in the 29%.

I mentioned it in my brochure entitled

"Cheat on Her Before She Cheats on You".

Beata was cheating?

She cheated on him?

She wants a divorce and his money.
This is the only explanation.

And we believed her
like some suckers.

We can't just leave it like that.

- But what can we do?
- Tell him everything.

That I pretended to be someone else?

That I hit on him for his wife?
That our kiss wasn't real?

Is that what you want me to say?

Was it real?

We've got a problem.

If he forgave her infidelity
he must really love her.

I'm not messing with that.

This is it for me.

- He never stops?
- I stopped answering.

- Won't he take of fence?
- It's not his style.

Fidelity investigators,
how can I help you?

Yes, my friend will take care of this.

Hello?

Thank you.

Excuse me, where is miss Kalina?

She resigned.
But the new girl is good, too.

Thank you.

Prepare for the fight of the evening.

The champion is here,
now let's welcome...

Maciej Woltynski...

Ready to rumble!

- Hands higher.
- That's it! My new bestseller.

"Turn Him Into a Warrior"

- Give me a break.
- What?

Don't you get it? It's their dream.

Women want to be fought for.

You should have a battle plan ready

the very moment you open
your eyes in the morning.

And what's in that plan?

Three things: blood, sweat and tears.

Your tears, of course.

Now be honest,
did Beata agree to therapy?

She's considering it.

Why are you still with her?

You told me to fight.
I am fighting.

Yeah, but don't fight
for life with Godzilla.

Raise your guard!

We've been together for 7 years.

I can't leave everything behind
just because of a rough time.

Wouldn't - you - rather -
be - with - someone -

who - is - in - love - with - you?

With someone who really loves you?

Huh?

Sure, but...

Does she have feelings for me?

Then there is a she!

Then there is a she!
Congrats!

You're the most romantic man I know.

I can't resist.

Excuse me, I have to take this.

- Hello?
- Hello?

Are you there?

You disappeared so I had to call you.

I wanted to thank you
for the great catering.

- Are you busy?
- No, why?

Maybe we could grab a coffee?
Or go for a walk?

- Could you stop?
- Excuse me?

Nothing. Great.

- We can discuss the invoice.
- I meant just a chat.

All right, a friendly chat it is.

Yes, a friendly chat.
You don't have to worry.

Tomorrow at 5?

Great.

- I have to run now, work, bye.
- Bye.

And now try these darlings on.

And now... look right.

Surprise.

What a moron.

Terrible.

I mean Antek. Can you imagine?
He doesn't answer my calls.

You wouldn't answer his.

If he hopes I'm not going to
sleep because of him he is delusional.

Last night you were all over the place.

We have to change something.

No more fidelity investigating.

It's the most depressing job
in the world.

I meant painting some walls.

But you're right.
Let's go buy some paint tomorrow.

Sure, we can go in the evening.

I have a meeting at 5.

What a meaningful smile.
Who is it?

It's him.

A date with him.

Of course not.

A friendly chat.
Don't forget he's married.

His wife is a predator.

Hey, don't be as cold as ice.

Maciek is an endangered species,
save those precious genes.

Welcome, gentlemen.

I am the author of the brochure entitled
"Woman - a Monster With a Human Face".

You have become the victims of
- let's not be afraid of these words -

extreme sex-mobbing.

- I knew it.
- My words exactly.

Both the body and soul are hurt.

- Those wounds leave scars.
- I can live with mobbing.

But she took my daughter,
my apartment and my car.

How could she?

- Is a woman even a human being?
- Maybe you should call the cops.

Gentlemen, I'll be brief.

Revenge!

Revenge soothes the pain,
it brings balance back.

Revenge is, simply speaking,
a pleasure.

It stimulates the reward system
in our brains -

the system so devastated
by women.

Let's do the same to them.

Gentlemen, don't think
with your penises.

You mean devastating them?

Exactly.
Psychological devastation.

Pick them up, kindle desire and
- careful, it's difficult-

don't copulate.

Don't copu... no shagging?

No shagging.

Abbreviation: PUKDDC.

I'm out. I'm lucky to say
I don't know what "no shagging" means.

You know, my penis...

I know your penis, but in that case
you have to leave.

Then I'll adjust.

Gentlemen, operation Revenge,
here we go.

Pick up, kindle desire, don't copulate.

It's all very nice but...

Why don't copulate?

Rejection massacres a woman.

Gentlemen, imagine this.

A woman burning with desire
and aroused by your brilliant foreplay

wants to surrender to you and hears:

sorry, operation Revenge,
I have to get going.

You deny them copulation
and they will go to shreds.

Their nerves, self-esteem, worldview -
all begin to crumble.

They feel guilty,
they try to lose weight.

The best case scenario is alcoholism.

Like in Afghanistan.

Revenge isn't a piece of cake.

Do you want to leave now?

No. I can be useful in action.

All this seems to have made me impotent.

I can easily deny copulation.

- I will adjust.
- I will think about death or mum.

Splendid.

Before you reject and ignite desire
you need to pick those women up.

And this is a craft.

We are going to master it.
Gentlemen, homework.

How to charm a woman in 60 seconds.

Tuesday, 7:15 PM.

Operation Revenge.

That's it.

- Let's synchronise our watches.
- What time is it?

Mine is perfectly fine.

You must be busy.
Last night it felt like you...

had a lot on your mind.

Just regular stuff.

What do you do apart from catering?

You mentioned websites.
Juggling two very distant passions.

That's amazing.

Maciek, why did you want to meet today?

Be honest with me.

Where's the investigation lamp?

You know why I'm asking.

I like talking to you.

More than talking to your wife?

My marriage has been falling apart
for several years.

I'm just pretending that's not true.

There isn't much left to fix, anyway.

I don't know what to say.

Say you'll meet me sometimes.

I can do sometimes.

- Tonight.
- That's not sometimes.

- Tomorrow?
- Alright.

How is it gonna be?

Powder pink or light sapphire?

- I'm scared.
- I can always repaint it.

I might have fallen in love.

It's too late.

That's really comforting.

No worries, I have a gun,
it's gonna be fine.

- Like you asked.
- Thank you.

Hey?

Look at this.

I taught her that.

Several unanswered calls
and finally she's cooperating.

There is something we have to do.
Are you free tomorrow?

I'd have to check my schedule.

There is this thing.
We need to talk.

With pleasure.

- It's silly.
- Lower your voice.

She will recognise me.
I do my manicure there.

For professional reasons of course.

- Use your charm.
- It doesn't always work.

All you have to do is seduce her.

In the garden,
so that I can take good photos.

Fine.

- Can you see anything?
- No.

- I'll get on your back.
- No, wait a moment.

Seriously, I have a back problem.

- Fine. Hop on.
- What?

- Hop on my back.
- I'm small but heavier than you so...

- Get up.
- Ready?

- Yes.
- Now.

- Is she there?
- Yes, yes she is.

- Operation Bosom or nature.
- Please...

I'm sorry, I can't control it.

I'm going in.

Hello there.

What are you doing here?

Didn't you order a trim?

Not that I can recall.

Darling Beata...

- I'm calling the police.
- There's been a mistake.

Excuse me and good bye.

Got it?

Great. Listen, would you let me
invite you to lunch?

There's a vegan food truck festival.

- Cool.
- You can have a beef burrito.

I couldn't do that.

Why not? You're not vegan.

Let's go eat.

- Do we have an appointment?
- These are some beautiful photos.

Want a divorce? Have one.

But not at the expense
of an innocent man.

If you want to live like a queen
tell Miguel to find a job.

Diego. And Diego has a job.

He is a drum virtuoso.

Hi Diego, I'm Antonio.
I play drums too.

I'm sorry.

You're not taking any money.
That's not an option.

My heart is broken, leave.

But why, I love you.

No, no, no.
Beata.

No, no, no.

A real soap opera break up.

Nothing happened, ok?

- Maybe we could give Diego a ride?
- Is your sugar low or what?

- I'm ready.
- Wait in the car, ok?

Sure.

Hey.

- Hi.
- You look great.

- I thought I'd say hi.
- Whatever.

- How are you doing?
- Me?

I'm still with Sylwia,
the girl from the elevator.

We got married in Vegas.

But it's been hard.

- Monogamy isn't your strong suit.
- It's not like that.

I really fell in love with her.
It wasn't some silly affair.

I know what you felt.

- You do?
- Yes.

I was so glad that Sylwia was so...
temperamental.

Until she slept with the postman.

And the plumber.

The same day.

She is a sexaholic,
she is getting treatment.

But she's like a horny pit bull.

- Rafal.
- Yes?

What do you want me to say?

- I'm sorry.
- Wait. How are you?

Have you met anyone?

- Maybe there's still a chance for us?
- No, there isn't.

- Hello.
- Hi.

My ex.

Call me if you change your mind.

- He still hopes for something?
- No, and neither do I.

- Want to kick his ass?
- Oh, I completely forgot.

You know what?

Not anymore.

- What is this?
- Some Chilean sour wine?

- Pretty tasty.
- You know, I went to Chile once.

- Really?
- In college.

So did I.

One of the most beautiful observatories
in the world is in the Atacama desert.

Space is fascinating?

It really is.

There is no atmosphere
on the moon,

scientifically speaking.

So if we went for a walk,

our footprints would be visible
for several million years.

That's nice.

A stars avenue.

By the way, the speed of light
isn't what we all think.

- I'm sorry, I'm boring you to death.
- No, continue.

The best part was
when we were hitchhiking.

- Guess who stopped.
- Who?

- A baker.
- With his produce. Lucky you.

After 20 miles on foot those were
the best buns in my life.

It's getting late.

Thank you for meeting me.

It was nice.

Bye.

I don't want to pretend anymore.

Pretend what?

That I don't have feelings for you.

I don't know how this happened...

You are... someone...

Who?

Who am I?

You'll have paint
all over your jacket.

I'll have it cleaned.

FIDELITY INVESTIGATORS

What do you want for breakf...

I can explain.

- I will explain.
- I bet you will.

Maciek, don't.

I din't want to lie.

You were so real to me.

That's why I fell in love with you.

You're not anymore.

Oh, you're here.

Coffee?

Won't you ask where I spent the night?

No, and here's why.

I want to leave the past behind.

Let's have a fresh start.

You want a divorce?

Mouse, I underestimated you.

I want to be the perfect wife
so I'm giving you another chance.

I can even go to therapy.
It doesn't get crazier than this.

Are you sure you want this?

Yes, I couldn't live
in any other place.

This is my home.
This is our home.

- This is a real surprise.
- In a good way.

You can spoil me with gifts
as a reward.

So here we have it.

I knew it.

I was joking, sweetheart.

I made your favourite
gorgonzola toasts.

But I don't like gorgonzola.

Of course you do.

- It's too big.
- Why?

- I don't like it.
- It's gonna be cool.

Somebody had too much wine.

There is a simple solution.
Fight fire with fire.

- Open the champagne, please.
- Sure.

What's wrong?

What happened?

So?

No, tell me you didn't
bring him here.

What have you done,
darling girl.

Didn't you tell her?
Ok, I will.

We're engaged to be married.

I'll wait over there.

What were you thinking?

Now I get renovation workers.

- This line of work requires drinking.
- Right.

Every renovation worker I meet
is holding a glass of champagne.

- I spoiled your engagement.
- Stop it!

Maybe you can fix it?

- I don't see how.
- Talk to him.

He's divorcing Beata anyway.

Do you think he'd trust me again?

I don't know. You have to fight,
but you'd rather whine,

pretend you're painting
and become and alcoholic.

You know I want what's best for you.

Do something,
there's nothing to lose.

That's not what I meant.

I'd like to talk to Maciek.

My husband is busy,
how can I help you?

It will take only a moment.

Listen, about the other photo shoot,

I will pay you
to get rid of the photos.

We'll work it out
on another occasion.

I don't want the money.
That's why I'm here.

Hi.

Can we talk?

In private?

There's nothing to talk about.

That's right. My husband isn't
working right now.

You can go to another coaching centre.

Choose one and confide in them
if you feel the need to do so.

But now...
Please excuse us...

We have other plans.

We're not getting a divorce.

I get it.

You scared me.

I don't know why you didn't
show him the photos.

He'd dump her right away.

- And never speak to me, too.
- Why?

Because I seduced him for money

and hid in ambush in front of his house
like some freaking CIA.

I was the one in ambush.

But you're right.

At least you found love.

When's the date?

- In a month.
- One month?

- What, are you pregnant?
- No, why?

- It's just strong love.
- No Afghan details.

Please.

I have something for you.

Celery and kale cocktail.

Liquid health. Drink it up.

It's not that bad.

- Sorry, I need something stronger.
- I can add some vodka.

Chocolate.

You're going to be fat
on my wedding.

I forgot one thing.

What do you need him for?

I'll throw him away on the way.

He lost his head too many times.

Maybe he can be fixed?

He suffered too many blows.

Shall we go?

THE WEDDING IS CANCELLED

Oh no.

Do you know how many calls I made
to find you here?

What happened?

I can't marry him.

Why?

Did he hurt you?

Tell me. Tap it in Morse code.

It's pointless.

Therapy?

No, everything.

I was going to say the same thing.

I really tried but...

You can't win with true love.

You noticed.

Noticed what?

I fell in love.

- I fell deeper.
- Who is it?

You don't know him.

Maybe it's for the better.

I think I'm going to Cuba after all.

Bye.

- Perfect timing.
- Hi. What?

Listen, I don't want to nag you.

I need your help.
It's for my best friend.

Maybe I shouldn't have called.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

May I?

- But I'm with a friend.
- I like threesomes.

- Let me introduce myself. Maciej.
- Sylwia.

I wanted to throw him away,
but I can still use him.

What an interesting idea.

You like such crazy stuff?

So do I.

No, it's not like that.

- It's more...
- Don't bother explaining.

The stories I've heard
at the meetings...

Are you an alcoholic?

Sexaholic.

Are you in a hurry?
Maybe we could take a turn?

I'm in a hurry.

You love him, you don't,
you love him, you don't...

- You love him, you love him.
- It's not how it goes.

Only love.

Could you spare a cup of tea
for 2 wanderers?

- Black or earl grey?
- Plain black.

Thanks for coming.

Why did you bring him?

I'll explain it later.

- She's not coming, son.
- She's never late.

There's always a first.

She'll be here.

As a mother and a woman,
I know she won't.

And I know she will.

I'm not marrying him.
End of story.

- Nobody tells you to.
- Yeah, right.

If you run, you might lose him.

Why did you change your mind?

This marriage might be
the biggest mistake of my life.

Imagine this is Antek.

If you could lie
that you love millet burgers

and that you're a vegan blogger,

how do I know
that you won't always lie?

How will I know what's true?

What if you hurt me?

Antek is the kindest liar I ever met.

There are different kinds of liars.

Are you ready to lose him?

Antek, I love you.

I love you.

I love you so much.

I hate to ruin the moment
but he doesn't have feelings for you.

The real Antek
is going crazy right now. Let's go.

What's the time?

Well done.

I couldn't leave, Kalina needed me.
A total emergency.

- I'm sorry.
- Calm down.

- So what's the decision?
- We're getting married.

But we need a best man
and a maid of honour.

How about me?

And the other one?

God's always here
and he is the most important.

And if he's busy, I'm here.

- How about a wedding?
- With pleasure.

Wait.

5 minutes before your call
we broke up with Beata.

I thought you might want to know.

I don't know what to say.

I'm sorry.

Are you really sorry?

Not really.

- So you are a little glad?
- Just a little bit.

- And now?
- I'm not sure. Keep trying.

THE END

What are you staring at?

You were supposed to
pick me up, right?

- Let's start with you.
- Me? - Yes, you.

Hello...

- What's the time?
- What's wrong with your voice?

- I always do that.
- Are you reading a bedtime story?

- It used to work.
- Sit down.

It's your turn.

Why is such a...

beautiful woman alone in a cafe?

- To fart around.
- I knew it.

- Do you have anything to add?
- Go.

Could I tell you a story
about a doggy?

I said, no copulation.

It's not about copulation.
I have a spaniel and maybe...

Maybe has one to connect us.

- What spaniel?
- A dog and...

Gentlemen, you're supposed to
make me go crazy with desire.

Is a spaniel really
the best tool?

- Sit down.
- Sit down.

I'm sorry.

You need to use her pity for you.

Pity?

Like, would you lend me some money?

I'm turning this
into a shit-hot brochure.

You shouldn't have
mentioned the money.

- It can be small amount.
- Stop talking about money.

Director: Ryszard Zatorski

DoP: Kamil Plocki

Producer: Kazimierz Rozwalka

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