All language subtitles for The.Marvelous.Mrs.Maisel.S02E09.WEB.h264-STRiFE-HI

- Hey, that guy's over there.
- What guy?

That guy that told you about
that thing that day.

That thing about the weird dude
and his weird friend

- doing that dumb thing?
- Then you told me and I told you

I'd already heard about it,
and you said it was

a different thing but it wasn't?

- Oh, yeah.
- What's his name? I forget.

I don't know.
Something to do with fish.

- Oh, that's gonna bother me.
- FRED: Hey, Susie.

You hear about the big arthritis
telethon on WNPO next Tuesday?

They're looking for acts
but spots are going fast.

A spot? On TV?
That would be sensational.

Why am I just hearing
about this?

Just heard it myself.

Margie the booker's
at table six.

You gotta give me a heads-up
about these things, Fred.

I don't work for you!

Margie, Susie Myerson.

I rep a comic that would be
great for the telethon.

She's an up-and-comer.

Get someone I know
to vouch for her

and maybe I'll work her in.

Piece of cake.

Dougie, you know Margie?

From way back.
She's doing the telethon.

- Go vouch for my girl?
- Done deal.

Yes.

- MIDGE: Well?
- It's in the bag.

That's fantastic.

- It's dead. Dougie said.
- What? Why?

FRED: Margie hates Dougie.
You should have gone to Kenny.

It's your job to keep me up
to date on these things, Fred.

I don't work for you!

♪ Oh, you gotta... ♪

Shit.

- Where's Margie?
- Must've left.

Her assistant's at table 12.
She can pull the trigger.

Good thing for you, Fred.

I don't work for you!

Listen. I've got a hot gal with
a lot of talent for you.

Get the hell away from my table.

- Bitch.
- (scoffs)

The chick's a stiff.

Wait, did I say table 12?
I meant table ten.

Hey!

- Kenny, you get along with Margie?
- I love Margie.

- You'll vouch for my girl?
- Sure thing.

Thanks.

Hey, sorry about
the bitch thing.

- Margie's assistant?
- Who's askin'?

Have I got a comic for
the telethon.

Kenny'll vouch for her.

- Kenny?
- Problem?

- Cindy likes you.
- Margie's girl?

- Take her to dinner? Thanks.
- Why not?

- I got you dinner with Kenny.
- Hey, neat.

My girl's name is Maisel.

I'll tell Margie to slot her in.

Good deal.

- Done.
- Done?

Done.

- Joey Mackerel.
- That's the guy's name.

I was right about fish.

I was thinking branzino.

Mm. Joey Branzino's
someone else.

He's not even in the business.

MIDGE: Why are so many guys here
named after fish?

SUSIE:
Beats me.

- There you go.
- Thank you, Zelda.

The potatoes certainly look nice
and fluffy.

I know that's how you like them,
Mrs. Weissman.

Thank you, Zelda.

You're welcome.

Zelda seems subtly hostile
to me this week.

How do you figure?

The way she served the potatoes.

Yours, she served gently;

mine, she slopped down
like we're in Attica.

Oh, she didn't.

Yours are still nice and fluffy.

Mine have lost all their fluffy.

Mine, she slopped down
a little, too.

But you got a "there you go."
And so did your mother.

I didn't get a "there you go."

- You're imagining this, Abe.
- I like a nice

"there you go."

Or even an enthusiastic "enjoy."

- Start a new subject, Miriam.
- Well...

there's a telethon next week.
You hear about it?

Ugh. That Jerry Lewis thing?
He's so loud.

ROSE: And I don't like those
facial distortions of his,

and that crazy voice;
it feels desperate.

Jerry Lewis is
muscular dystrophy.

This is a telethon for arthritis
and rheumatism.

- Oh, such a good cause.
- A very good cause.

Your mother's family suffers
from it, you know.

- Great Aunt Pearl.
- Poor woman

with those gnarled hands.

One day she picked up
a Kiddush cup

and she couldn't set it down
for two years.

ABE:
We should donate.

Those dollars are so important
for research.

Mm-hmm. How do we do that?
Call the broadcast?

Probably. There'll be phone
banks and celebrity guests

and performers,
all volunteering their time.

- Wonderful.
- So selfless.

- I'll be one of them.
- One of what?

One of the performers.

I'll be performing on
the telethon.

Doing comedy.

Can I use the Kiddush cup bit?

Some of them are scams.

- What are?
- These telethons.

They take the money

and line their own pockets.

- Jerry Lewis has multiple homes.
- Mama, that's ridiculous.

And those telethons look
so cheap.

The cameramen never know what
to focus on.

- Not true.
- And no one's ever died from arthritis.

Aunt Pearl lived to be 90.

Just her head and neck worked
at the end,

but it's all she needed
for a full life.

Excuse me.

Mind if I join you?

Anything wrong, Miss Miriam?

Try everything.

Could you be
a little more dramatic?

Sure. Let me grab my toga

and conjure up a little
Coriolanus for you.

You can't eat with the children.

- Why not?
- They're not used to it.

You'll scare them.

Will it scare you
if I join you for dinner?

No.

Thank you.
(blows raspberry)

Miriam, why are you being
so sensitive?

Stupid me, I thought the
telethon was a good way for you

to see your daughter perform
from the comfort of your home,

but what do I know?

Are you even ready
to appear on television?

There's only one way
to find out.

And your act is clean enough
for television?

The act is clean;

however, I do it in the nude.

That you say that in front
of your son.

You've seen me nude,
right, buddy?

Yes.

There you go.

(blows raspberry)

That's really improved.

(blows raspberry)

No, I get it.
The electrical grid is taxed,

you're forcing brownouts,

but can you spread them out
a little?

Every hot summer day,
we get hit.

Ten beats eight, Grandma takes.

No, I get it, but are you
browning out the Upper East Side

on a daily basis, too?
I'm guessing no.

Six beats three.

This is turning into a rout.

Trucks are backed up
at the loading dock.

- Are you aware of this?
- I am now.

This isn't disrespect.

I'm just trying to keep
my business running.

- Con Ed?
- Emphasis on the "Con."

- Ace beats queen. Eat it, son.
- Ma!

That your lunch?
Or yesterday's lunch?

Can we start over?
I really want to solve this.

How 'bout I deal with
the trucks.

I'll go down in a second.

Ha! You lose again.

I'm whomping your ass.

Really, Ma, playing War with him

shouldn't be scarier
than actual war.

He has to learn about losing.

Losing is a part of life.

I'm dealing with the trucks.

Then I want to talk
to you later, okay?

No, no, no.
Don't put me on hold.

- Later, we'll talk?
- Yes, fine.

Because when you put me on hold,
you forget about me,

and I got to start
the whole process over again.

Okay. You want to make this
interesting?

Ask Daddy for cash.

(sighs) Guys, I've been over
and over this,

but I'm just
not understanding why...

Why what, Abe?

Why we're still waiting on
all our equipment.

Must be a backlog.

Hey, Abe, four-letter word,
mountain range in Russia.

- Ural.
- Yes.

I checked in with all
the other teams.

They're not experiencing
backlogs.

BOTH: One, two, three, four,
we declare a thumb war.

(phone rings)

A.I. Nine, this is Devlin.

Uh-huh.

Got it. Yes, yes, I understand.

Will do. Thanks.

- What was that?
- Wrong number.

Okay.

Carry on.

(bell tolls in distance)

Continuing from last lecture,

let us consider a periodic
triangular wave function.

Now, can anyone tell me
what property of this function

we can exploit to reduce our
Fourier series? Truman?

Truman? Where is Truman?
Is he late?

And where are the others?
Wasn't this class bigger?

- It used to be.
- I won't put up with tardiness.

- I won't.
- None of us were late.

- STUDENT: Except you.
- Who said that?

Come on, who said it?

Be man enough to come up here
so I can box your ears.

Let the record show
that there are no men

in Abraham Weissman's Advanced
Differential Equations course.

Just a sad collection
of fatuous,

imbecilic, puerile,
blithering milksops.

- And for the last time...
- (slaps table)

where is Truman?

- He's transferred.
- Transferred? Why?

His mother said it was taking
too much out of him.

His mother...

And why are all of you
still here? Hmm?

Lance? Abbie?

Whoever the hell said
"except you"?

Why are you here?

I have one more math problem
for all of you to solve.

Ready? Here it is.

"All of you..."

plus "X" equals...

"competence."

Solve for "X."

What is "X"?
It's "competence."

Because none of you have any.

You're all incompetent.

You'll never work in any field

that has the word "advanced"
in front of it.

You'll simply be overqualified
dishwasher repairmen.

I keep telling you that
and you keep coming back.

Well, don't. Get out!

- Now?
- Now? Get out!

Go. Go!

(students murmuring)

Get out.

(door closes)

Waste of a good triangular wave.

(laughter)

How about this?
I met one potential date,

and he was perfect
husband material.

I knew he was 'cause that's
what his wife told me.

(laughter)

Yes? No?

Kind of an in-betweener. Reject.

MAN:
I'll marry you!

Who's that? Cousin Shmuly?

Come on, man,
we've talked about this.

My manager's already heard from
WNPO's Broadcast Standards.

That's the TV station's
department of "Don't Be Funny."

They told us nothing political,
or controversial, or profane.

I've got this whole thing about
my parents' sex life,

that's probably not appropriate.
Good-bye.

Let me try this,
this should work:

- Does the Pope get hard-ons?
- (laughter)

I mean, it would explain
the whole obsession

with resurrection.

My people.

- All right.
- (laughter and applause)

- Could you all come with me to the telethon?
- So... Dr. Benjamin.

- MIDGE: Dick Shawn's gonna be on before me.
- Yup.

You know, she told me
you were tall,

but she didn't tell me you were
"fun house mirror" tall.

Height runs in my family.

Family of freaks. Yup.

(mimics carnival barker):
Step right up

and see the carnival freaks.

Guess so.

You ever rehearse an argument
you plan on having

with someone in your head,
and during the rehearsal

you're perfectly reasonable
and they're a jerk?

And then the argument actually
happens and they're reasonable

but that's not how you rehearsed
it, so you become the jerk?

(laughter)

- No, no.
- What?

- Don't laugh.
- Why not?

Wasn't funny. Nope.

I call a joke like that
a 50-percenter.

It's 50% there.

You get laughs from people
who are drunk

or super easy to please,
but that's not good enough.

Not good enough for me,
not good enough for her.

Nope, nope, nope.

Seemed funny to me.
And everyone around me.

Well, it wasn't.
Okay? It wasn't.

MIDGE:...for the first time
behind Midge Maisel.

Well, you are the worst audience
I could have auditioned

my TV-friendly material to,

which is why I love you.
Thanks, guys.

Watch the telethon and even give
some money to it, ya schnorrers.

- (cheers and applause)
- Whoo!

SUSIE:
That's become a thing now, too.

Can't get between her
and her public now, you know?

They will break every
over-elongated bone

- in your body.
- She's a star in the making.

Yeah, I know that.
I'm telling you that.

So what did you think?

I think we're gonna need
a few more sessions.

Work out some of those kinks.

I was asking Benjamin.

Oh, sure, yeah.

I think you were sensational.

Gee, thanks.

So kiss her.

- Susie.
- That's okay.

No, kiss her.
Go ahead, it's fine.

- We're adults here, right?
- (Midge clears throat)

Lay one on her, man.
Bend down and kiss her.

Pretty skimpy there.
Give her a big smacker, man.

There you go.

You were getting a Pope hard-on
yourself, huh?

Yeah.

I'll call you
about work sessions.

Sure.

That's your manager?

- You get used to her.
- Really?

- Mm.
- So where do you want to go?

- Let's go to your place.
- Every night.

Okay, one more time,

you're supposed to ask
for dinner first.

Can we have dinner
at your place?

- Sure.
- And can we skip dinner?

- You're exhausting.
- (laughs)

♪ ♪

(singers vocalizing)

Wow. So this is really
happening?

- This is really happening.
- Talent?

- You bet.
- You bring your sheet music?

- She's not a singer. Mrs. Maisel?
- I'm a comedian.

You're down for five minutes
at 2150.

- At what?
- We do military time. 2150 is 9:50 at night.

If you get confused,
just add the number 12

- to whatever time it is.
- Add what to what?

- MAN (over mic): Next.
- Follow me? - Sure.

- I'm Sal.
- Nice to meet you.

This is Mrs. Maisel, comedian.

She does five minutes at 2150,
solo act.

- Any props?
- Nope.

- Stand on the "X."
- Okay.

- Mic check.
- One, two.

- MAN: Next.
- Thank you. - (bell rings)

Oh, uh... okay.

Wait. We dragged ourselves down
here at 8:00 in the morning,

- and that's it?
- That's it.

- I showered.
- Thank you for showering.

We'll see you tomorrow,
1600 hours.

When's that? Wait, Sal.

Things move fast
in the television business.

- Ah, there it is.
- What?

The control room.
Guys down at the deli told me

they're the people
you want to make friends with.

They control things. Come on.

- How long is this guy's act?
- WOMAN: Five minutes.

Does he say anything
or just juggle?

He just juggles, Dickie.

I got to know how high
he's gonna throw those clubs.

Let's see how high
he throws the clubs, Sal.

- Hi, guys!
- Hey, what the hell.

- Who the hell is this?
- What are you doing in here?

- I'm Susie Myerson, manager to this budding young star.
- Hi.

- Will you get her out?
- He can't throw 'em that high, Sal.

You'll take good care
of her, boys?

- Go! Go!
- Get the fuck out of here!

Carry on.

God, I hate jugglers.

That was a really good start

on building a rapport
with a key group of guys.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

- MIDGE: Look who's here.
- Who is that?

- MIDGE: Shy Baldwin.
- MAN: Next!

The singer? He's had, like,
a hundred hits in the last year.

That's Shy Baldwin? For some
reason, I thought he was fat.

- MIDGE: Why?
- He sounded fat.

So there's gonna be
some big stars on this thing.

Guess so. (whistles)
I'm getting nervous.

Don't say that.

Just being honest.
I'm getting nervous.

But when you get nervous,
I get nervous.

Don't be a copycat.
Be your own person.

I'm not a copycat.
It's just, you make me nervous.

- Well, then don't follow me.
- We came in the same car.

Then take the subway
if I freak you out so much.

How's your health, Abe?

It's tip-top, Simon. Tip-top.

And Rose? And the kids?
Is everyone well?

Just fine. Why?

Because, Abe, you seem

- to be teetering on the edge.
- That's one man's opinion.

It's actually
a lot of people's opinion.

Who? What people?

Your colleagues, your students,

the administrative staff,
the trustees,

the university senate,

the cleaning crew,
the school doctor,

the school nurse,
the parking attendants...

I don't need
the entire list, Simon.

There are simply a lot of people
disturbed by your behavior.

Disturbed?
That's a strong word, Simon.

Now please,
cut to the chase here.

All right.

Now you eat the cheese?

We've been sitting here for
ten minutes, and suddenly...

You should consider
a sabbatical.

I have one planned in two years.

Why don't you move it up?

- My colleagues would complain.
- It was their suggestion.

And why would they suggest
such a thing?

Because the parking attendants
told them to?

Are you not listening?
They're sick of you, Abe.

You asked me to cut to the
chase. I'm cutting to the chase.

We're all pretty goddamn
sick of you,

pardon my language.

- Loud.
- Look,

you're a brilliant
mathematician,

but an uncooperative colleague
and a very poor teacher.

- With tenure.
- What about it?

- You can't fire me.
- I don't intend to.

(laughs)

What could possibly be funny
about this, Abe?

I was just thinking
about the irony of tenure.

- What irony?
- Well, for instance,

the fact that I could
take this cheese knife

and stick it in your eye,

and the university would still
have to pay me.

I'd be in jail,
but I'd still be paid.

Are you seriously thinking
of doing that?

No.

You hesitated.

Yes.

I did.

ROSE: Good-bye, Simon.
We'll see you soon.

He's done this before...

this "take a sabbatical"
song and dance.

It's different this time.

And then you say that.
I will fix it.

- I threatened to stab him.
- With a cheese knife.

- It barely cuts cheese.
- Truman didn't even say good-bye.

Simon's wife loves
that Belgian jelly.

I'll have it shipped.
I'll give it to her,

sweet-talk her,
she'll sweet-talk him,

jelly will be eaten,
all will be well, mm-hmm.

Belgian jelly.

(children chattering)

Ethan,
five-minute warning, kiddo!

Every time he plays tag,
he's "it."

Then he won't chase people
to tag them back,

because he likes being "it."

- It's all kind of pointless.
- BENJAMIN: Hi.

- Benjamin.
- Sorry. I didn't mean to...

It's okay. Hi. Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi. What are you doing here?

I called, and your mother said
you were down here.

Can I sit?

The bench is free to all,

courtesy
of the Parks Department.

CHILD:
You're it!

So... which one's yours?

Oh, gosh,
any one of 'em could be.

I've had a lot
of medical training,

and I don't think that's right.

I'm "it," Mommy.

I'm assuming that's the one.

"Mommy" is a very common moniker
down here.

Swing a dead cat.

This young lady next to me
is "Mommy," as well.

Hi, Mommy.

Kids can't tell. Too short.

Anyone with a skirt here
is "Mommy,"

and anyone tall, wearing pants

and looking worried about money
is "Daddy."

CHILD:
Well, come on, tag me!

- Are you okay?
- I'm fine.

Is it that you don't want me
to meet Ethan?

He's kind of a jerk.

Just eats and sleeps
and has no job.

- CHILD: You're it!
- (dog barking)

Benjamin, I'm sorry.

This was just... unexpected.

The skin you jumped out of
when you saw me

landed somewhere in Jersey.

I just haven't talked
to their dad

about you meeting the kids.

It would be an issue.
Do you understand?

I do. I don't date many mothers.

This is new for me, too.

CHILD:
You're it! You've got to run!

Let me ask you this. If we were
to, say, get engaged...

- Engaged?
- Engaged.

You'd let me
meet the kids then, right?

"Yes" would be the answer.

Yes.

Okay.

So he's yours...
the one not chasing anybody?

It's complicated.

CHILD: You can just sit here.
You can just tag us.

MIDGE:
Mama, we're back!

Don't run, Ethan.

He needs a bath.

Zelda will draw it for him.

Mama, Benjamin came down
and surprised me at the park.

Oh, how nice.

No, not nice. It was awkward.

I wasn't in the right frame
of mind to see him.

What frame of mind do you
need to be in?

I'm just saying, when Benjamin
calls, just take a message.

Don't give him my longitude
and latitude.

I just said
you were in the park with Ethan.

And if he called
and I was in the bathroom,

would you have him come over and
walk in on me sitting on the...?

- Miriam! Of course not.
- It's the same thing.

Bathrooms and parks
are not the same.

Tell that to a dog.

Is all this
from your comedy routine?

It is now.

(train whistle blows)

Burning the midnight oil.

It's only 11:45.

Take a break.

- I'm close to done.
- Take a break.

Hey, I'm your boss.

Technically, I'm your boss.

We're partnering right now,

but it's still 55, 45.

- Just take a goddamn break.
- Fine.

You know
that stupid building manager

you made me hire
when we bought this place?

The guy just rented out the
bottom floor to a grocery chain.

We're getting triple the rent
I thought we'd get,

plus a cut of sales.

- Guy knows the market.
- Just think of that.

They sell a carrot,
and we get a check.

I never would have known to ask
for that... a cut of sales.

A building manager knows.

My son did, too.

(clears throat)

That's it? That's the big talk?

Ah. You remember
your bar mitzvah?

The big hall, the three rabbis.

Chopped liver shaped like
Michelangelo's David?

You went all out.

200 people, it added up.

And they all brought cash
as a gift for you.

- Tradition says.
- And I took it all to pay for the hall.

- You probably don't remember this.
- I was sitting

next to you when you rifled
through the envelopes, Pop.

- I gave you a cut.
- You gave me a dollar.

- It was a fucking expensive hall.
- It was a great hall.

I kissed my first girl
in that hall.

- No. Who?
- Letty Zuckerberg.

- With the braces?
- That's why my mouth was bleeding.

I thought you got into a fight.

Why are you bringing all this
up, Pop? Feeling nostalgic?

I want to give you
that money back.

My bar mitzvah money?
I've forgotten about it.

It's more than that.

There was money for your
high school graduation, too.

You never saw that.

Your college fund... that paid
for the new steam iron.

- Pop...
- There was money for your wedding.

Your grandmother left you
some money. You never knew that.

There was a coin collection
from your uncle.

I sold the coins
and kept the money.

Water under the bridge.

I'm working here,
you're paying me well.

- I'm letting you go.
- What?

I don't want you here.

Why? Why are you doing this?
Why now?

So you don't get stuck.

What's this?

Something to soften the blow.

60 grand?

- Yeah.
- Pop, this is a fortune.

- It's-it's a house, it's...
- What I owe you.

Plus interest. Plus guilt.
Plus more guilt.

- Lots of compounded guilt.
- Where'd you get it?

(scoffs) Your mother's not
the only one that hid money.

I don't think all that guilt
adds up to 60 grand.

It does, and now you're free
to do something

that you want to do... travel,

go to graduate school,
become a beatnik. I don't care.

I'm doing okay here.

A little tired, but I'm...

Not where you should be.

Take your time,

but get the hell out.

- (lively crowd chatter)
- (upbeat music playing)

And we're live
in five, four, three, two...

Hello, and welcome,
ladies and gentlemen,

to the Third Annual
Stop Arthritis

and Rheumatism Telethon,
broadcasting live

from New York City.
As you can see,

volunteers are ready
to take your pledges.

That's the phone number flashing
on the bottom of your screen.

Call any time in the next eight
hours to start changing lives.

Stay tuned for an amazing
variety of top-notch performers,

but right now, let's get things
off to an energetic start

with The Phil Donnelly Dancers,

demonstrating the latest
dance craze... The Bop!

(intro to "Pink Shoelaces"
by The Chordettes plays)

♪ Now I've got a guy
and his name is Dooley ♪

♪ He's my guy
and I love him truly ♪

♪ He's not good lookin',
heaven knows ♪

♪ But I'm wild
about his crazy clothes ♪

♪ He wears tan shoes
with pink shoelaces ♪

♪ A polka dot vest and... ♪

So he said you add 12
to get the right time.

It's 4:00 in the afternoon now.
Add 12.

That means you're going on
at 4:00 in the fucking morning?

No, that's not right.
I'm on at 2150.

Right. Add 12, which means
you're on at... 3350?

That can't be right, either.
He meant subtract 12.

It's 4:00 now.
If you subtract 12,

that means I go on at...
minus 8:00.

That doesn't make sense, either.

What the fuck's wrong
with just saying the time?

♪ Pink shoelaces, a polka dot
vest and man, oh, man... ♪

Come on. Let's check in
with the gang.

- Mm.
- ♪ He wears tan shoes ♪

♪ With pink shoelaces ♪

♪ And a big Panama
with a purple hat band... ♪

DICKIE: Oy. Get "B"
to stop moving, Hank.

Hold that shot, "B."
Stay right where you are.

Tell "A" to dolly back.

He's about to lose the two
on the left.

Charlie, dolly back a smidge.
You're losing the group.

- Hi, guys.
- You can't be in here! - (overlapping chatter)

So you may be wondering which
side is my girl's good side.

Well, I'm here to tell you,
there's no bad side.

DICKIE:
Why is "A" still moving?

- Pick an angle.
- And get them the fuck out of here!

So, she's on around 10:00
to 33 o'clock.

Some shit like that.
We'll check back in later.

- Do not come back here!
- Ridiculous!

Dolly back. Dolly back.

♪ Tan shoes
with pink shoelaces ♪

♪ And a big Panama
with a purple hat band ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh... ♪

I'm gonna talk
to the booker again,

- make sure nothing's changed.
- I'll be here.

♪ And a big Panama
with a purple hat band. ♪

(applause)

The Phil Donnelly Dancers!

Thank you, gang.

Looks like phone calls
are already coming in

from our generous viewers.

Let's check in
with one of our volunteers.

Lulu, tell us about the call.

Yes, Mason.
I just got off the phone

with Ronny Johanssen
from Jackson Heights.

He and his wife Betty
are donating two dollars.

Two dollars!

Thank you, Ronny and Betty.

Your money will go far.

- Folks, let me take some time...
- We gotta talk.

- ...right now to discuss with you...
- Ow. Watch it.

...a true scourge
on our nation's health.

HANK: We'll have "B" and "C"
at stage one for the singer.

- Is he wearing mascara?
- Gets lonely out on the range.

- They're back, guys!
- Get out of here!

You're not gonna believe this.

- What is your problem?!
- Damn it, do something! - Get out!

- Believe what?
- Get out! - Who didn't lock the door?!

- Oh, my God.
- It's too loud in here. Come on.

- Yes! Go! Go!
- Get the hell out! - Get the fuck out of here!

MASON:...of the joints,
it becomes difficult

to perform everyday tasks.

Many are unable
to climb the stairs...

Susie, what is going on?

Sophie Lennon is here.

- What?
- Sophie fuckin' Lennon.

She was heading
into some dressing room.

- Did she see you?
- She didn't see me.

Why would she perform
on this thing?

Apparently, she's the national
spokes-asshole for arthritis.

- And you didn't know that?
- How am I supposed to know that?

I don't know, you're my manager.

You're supposed to know
these things.

Fred should have told me...
it's his job

- to tell me these things.
- He doesn't work for you.

This is unbelievable.

What do we do? Back out?

We're in too deep.
We'll look like flakes.

Well, she'll probably hole up
in some dressing room

till it's time for her to go on.

There are a million acts.
Let's just lie low,

and she'll never know
we were a part of this.

We were just getting over this.

Kept 'em warm for ya.

MASON: Trudy's
a former high school gymnast...

- He's part of the broadcast?
- I don't know.

It's New York.
Could be a gay hooker.

MASON:
...and basic gymnastic skills.

I'll admit that I choked up
a little when I saw...

So, here I am.

Hi, Pop. This okay?
We could grab a table.

The bar is fine.

What can I get you?
I'm buying.

Sun's still up.
Just a seltzer.

A seltzer, please. Ice.

So?

So, I have a British friend...

MI5?

He uses a phrase

when everything
goes wrong with something.

He says it's gone...

"tits up."

Tits up?

Like an animal lying
on its back,

exposed, incapacitated.

You know, these days,

everyone takes so long
to get to their point.

Your Bell Labs project
has gone tits up, Pop.

It's been canceled.

What?

No one said anything about that.

No one had the guts to.
That's why I'm telling you.

They're just letting you
twist in the wind.

They're hoping you'll leave,
like you're leaving Columbia.

I'm not leaving Columbia.

I don't like what they're doing.

It's disrespectful.

Where did you hear this?

I got a tip from a friend.

They're investigating, Pop.

Investigating what?

You.

Me?

They're going deep
into your background.

I don't understand.

The stuff you did
in your 20s, Pop.

Before you met Mom.

But I did good things
in my 20s.

I was an activist. I cared.

That's part of what
they're interested in:

what you cared about.

What's the precipitating
factor here?

Hang on to your hat.

It's Miriam.

Miriam who?

Your daughter, Pop. Midge.

She was performing
somewhere in D.C.,

and apparently she
started talking about Bell Labs.

And your A.I. project.
There was a guy in the audience,

someone connected to all this.

Then the club caught fire.

She set the club on fire?

No.

I don't think.

I don't believe this.

Believe it.

How can you be so sure?

'Cause the guy who told me...

told me because
I had a gun in his mouth.

My God, no.

Of course not, Pop!

I'm kidding.
Geez Louise.

I can't joke anymore?

It's okay
if you've killed people.

I'm sure they had it coming.

- I don't kill people!
- WOMAN: What did he say? - (man coughing)

- (quietly): I don't... I don't kill people.
- MAN: Says he kills people?

I don't even put bullets
in that damn gun.

I understand that
you have to say that.

Look at me, Pop.

I'm an analyst.

I'm a good guy. I'm still me.

I miss you, Pop.

You're my father. I...

I want to get back to normal,
and I don't want you to think

I'm hiding things from you.

That's why I told you
all this today.

I'm... coming clean.

Gin.

♪ ♪

(audience laughing)

SOPHIE:
Put that on your plate!

I went on a cruise,

and every meal
was all-you-could-eat.

Once I missed breakfast because
I was still eating dinner!

(laughter) -
If I'd have been on the Titanic,

I would have gone down
with the buffet!

- (laughter)
- The captain asked me

to participate
in a safety demonstration.

- I played the iceberg.
- (laughter)

Put that on your plate!

I used to think she was funny,

but it's the same joke
over and over.

No new take, no spin.

Bullshit.

They say you are what you eat.

Well, that makes me Chinese,
Mexican, Italian,

French and roadkill!

- (laughter)
- Put that on your plate! Huh?

(laughs)

So, you want to hear
about my new husband?

- AUDIENCE: Yeah!
- Okay! You asked for it!

I told him I wanted him to
make me scream in the bedroom.

So he put a sheet over his head,
cut out two eyeholes

and yelled, "Boo!"

- Put that on your plate!
- (applause)

- Susie.
- Nicky.

- Is this a small world, or what?
- You look rested.

- I just got out of the clink.
- Miriam, this is Nicky,

- one of the guys who was gonna kill me.
- Oh. I've heard a lot about you.

Nice to meet you.
You got a sharp one.

So, what are you doing here?
Rifling purses?

No. I'm doing security
for Sophie Lennon.

- Oh.
- Okay.

It's mostly just asking fans
to step back a little.

I haven't gotten to beat
the shit out of anyone in weeks.

That's too bad.
I know how much you enjoy that.

Well, I got to get back
to my post. I'll see ya.

- Nice meeting you.
- Oh. Hey.

I almost forgot
why I came over here.

Sophie said to say hi.

- To us?
- Yeah.

Should I say hi back?

(quietly):
Sure.

(audience clapping, whooping)

MASON: Ladies and gentlemen,
Sophie Lennon!

- (cheering and applause)
- I can't hear you.

Ha-ha-ha!

That was wonderful,
just wonderful.

Thank you.

(laughs)
You are still a hoot.

Mrs. Maisel, let's get you
to the phone bank.

Oh. Sure.

- My hair good?
- It's fine.

I'm gonna be on camera,
Susie. Look close.

It's big, it's bouncy,
it's good.

(whispers):
Let's go, let's go.

- MASON: Sophie Lennon, ladies and gentlemen.
- I'm going.

(audience cheering)

When the phone rings,
you answer.

Be nice, be brief.
Get a name, a number,

a mailing address
and the amount of the pledge.

- Got it.
- Spot number six.

MASON:
Well, I'm sorry, Sophie.

- I'm happily married.
- Is it as fun as it looks?

SOPHIE: Not me.
I'm haphazardly married.

Hello. Arthritis Telethon.

Well, thank you, ma'am.
What's your name?

Sophie Lennon,
ladies and gentlemen.

You'll be seeing
a little more of her

later on in a special segment.

- Thanks, Sophie.
- Oh, anytime, Mason.

- Oh! Ha-ha-ha!
- (laughter)

(cheering)

Look at that,
ladies and gentlemen.

Sophie has really pulled in
the dollars for our cause.

We have passed $45,000.

- AUDIENCE: Wow! Whoa!
- And we're still climbing.

As you can see,
our celebrities and volunteers

are hard at work,
taking your calls.

Let's put the number
on the screen again.

We're in the last
few hours, folks,

so dig deep in those pockets

- and help the afflicted.
- What the fuck?

It looks like our
singing cowboy, Waylon Jones,

is rustling up a few pledges.

Let's mosey on over
and chew the chaw with him.

- What the fuck?!
- MASON: Well, you had a great big smile on your face

during that last call... who
were you speaking with, Waylon?

Well, Mason,
I was on the horn just now

with a little lady
from Brooklyn.

Her name is Rhonda.

She's nine years old,
and she's giving us

every penny in her penny jar.

- List 'em off, Irene.
- Next hour is Shy, then Dick Shawn.

- Comedian?
- Comedian. Hour three, we've got

- our folk duo, our Shakespearean players...
- Hey.

- You can't be in here.
- What the hell? - Where is security?

I thought I had
a good relationship

with you guys,
but I'm not happy here!

- Get out!
- You can't be in here! - Call security!

You can't see my fucking girl!
Move the camera over!

It doesn't work that way.
Move your girl.

- Sal put her there.
- Then talk to Sal.

I will. I'll go talk to Sal.
Believe me,

- I'm getting to the bottom of this!
- Do not come back!

MAN: Who wants to bet
Waylon's from Yonkers?

Well, for starters, I'm fixin'

to put out a new record album.

- I call it One-Horse Town.
- MASON: One-Horse Town?

WAYLON:
Yes, sir. By Waylon Jones.

SAL: Playback should be cued
and ready to go.

- Make sure they know.
- Hey, Sal.

- Shh.
- What the fuck's with this chair situation?

- My girl's off camera.
- It wasn't my call.

- Whose call was it?
- I don't know. Someone.

- Yeah. Someone.
- While you're at it,

you might want to check
the schedule board, too.

- There's been changes.
- Changes?

(intro to "Younger
Than Springtime" playing)

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

the great...

Shy Baldwin.

♪ I touch your hand ♪

♪ And my arms grow strong ♪

♪ Like a pair of birds ♪

♪ That burst with charm ♪

♪ My eyes look down ♪

♪ At your lovely face ♪

♪ And I hold ♪

♪ The world ♪

♪ In my embrace ♪

♪ Younger than springtime ♪

♪ Are you ♪

♪ Softer than starlight ♪

♪ Are you ♪

♪ Warmer than winds of June ♪

♪ Are the gentle lips ♪

♪ You gave me ♪

♪ Gayer than laughter... ♪

- Hey.
- Susie. Get back.

If they cut over here,
you'll be on camera.

I know for a fact
that I'm not on camera,

'cause I'm on the other side of
you, and you're not on camera.

- What?
- She's fucking with us. Sophie.

- Sophie?
- She's turned the whole place against us.

My phone's not ringing.

- It's not even connected.
- That's not all.

You're bumped to the end
of the broadcast. 11:55.

Why didn't she just
kick us out altogether?

Because she's a sadist.
It's death by a thousand cuts.

- How do we fight this?
- We can't.

Fuck it. And fuck her.
You'll do your 11:55 spot.

We'll go get loaded after.
It'll be a story you tell

on The Tonight Show
in ten years.

- Can't wait.
- At the very least,

I'm gonna get
your phone up and running.

Some old fart with gnarled hands
shouldn't have to suffer

because Sophie's an asshole.

♪ Am I ♪

♪ Gayer than laughter ♪

♪ Am I ♪

♪ Angel and lover ♪

♪ Heaven and earth ♪

♪ Have I ♪

♪ With ♪

♪ You... ♪

(song ends)

(cheering and applause)

MASON:
It's all about them, folks.

The sufferers.
The people whose days and nights

are filled with the anguish
of arthritis and rheumatism.

And right now,
the great Sophie Lennon

invites you to join her
for a chat with a few...

very special guests.

Sophie?

Hello!

- OTHERS: Hi, Sophie.
- (chuckling)

Oh, look at you
beautiful people.

How does it feel
to have these good folks

- helping you out like this?
- PAUL: Wonderful, Sophie.

It means the world to us
to have so many people care.

Mmm. But your life
has challenges.

Sometimes my arthritis
gets so darn bad,

I'm completely immobilized.

Immobilized?

That sounds like honeymoon night

with husbands two,
four, and seven.

(laughing)

And seven turned out to be dead!

(Sophie chuckles)

Speaking of that, which
of you two fellas is gonna be

Sophie's number nine after
number eight kicks off, huh?

I choose...

- you!
- (chuckles)

You'll be easier to catch.

- Ow! (laughs)
- (audience laughs)

Put that on your plate!

(laughter and applause)

(Sophie laughs)

- Oh.
- Oh.

So, what's a typical day like
for you?

Judy?

People take for granted
the daily pleasures:

driving to the store,
walking up a flight of steps.

I haven't done either one
of those things in years.

I-I can't even...

Can't even what, my darling?

I can't even pick up
my baby grandson.

AUDIENCE:
Aw...

I'm sorry, folks,
but you're gonna see old Soph

get a little emotional
right now.

(forced crying)

(whimpers)

(groans)

(forced crying)

Oh, arthritis!

(forced sob):
Oh!

Uh... Ah! Here we are. So...

That was uncomfortable to watch.

I'm off to the ladies'.

I'll just vomit right here.

(toilet flushing)

(Sophie speaking indistinctly
in distance)

(toilet flushing)

- (humming softly)
- (audience laughing)

I'm sorry.
I have to introduce myself,

because I am your biggest fan.

Actually, my mother
is your biggest fan.

She even listens
to your Christmas album.

But, oh, my God, Shy Baldwin,
you are phenomenal.

You are amazing.

You are terrified
by the crazy woman next to you.

Am I in the wrong place?

I don't know.
Where are you supposed to be?

- Ladies' room.
- You're in the right place.

I'm in the wrong place.

You guys have
the bigger mirrors.

Always smells better, too.

Mm.

- (chuckles) A lot better.
- (chuckles)

My mother does think
the world of you.

Oh, mothers do love me.

- I'm a mother, too.
- Really?

- Mm-hmm.
- You'd never know.

And how are you involved
in all this, honey?

- I'm a comedian.
- Oh, yeah?

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, I love comedians.

Always open my show
with a comedian.

Had Moms Mabley at the Apollo.

Audience fell out
of their seats.

Moms Mabley. Mental note.

She's the real thing.
Sees the world, tells the truth.

Nothing like that buzz saw
out there.

What buzz saw? Sophie?

Can't stand
that cracker comedy of hers.

She was telling the same jokes

when I was singing
in the subway.

And they weren't fresh then.

I bumped into her in Paris.
I swear,

a dozen diamonds
fell out of her ass.

Your race can have her.

She a friend of yours?
Should've asked that first.

Not by a long shot.

(chuckles)
What's your name?

Midge. Midge Maisel.

You break a leg tonight, Midge.

And thanks for the spritz.

A little summertime in the fall.

Thank you for the music.

Wow, that sounded dumb.

Not when you say it, sugar.

(door closes)

(chuckles softly)

What a treat to see
such grace and beauty...

I have got to pee
or I'm gonna explode.

Dickie, go.
Bird girl's gonna be up there

- for the next five minutes.
- Four.

- Four.
- DICKIE: Why is the bathroom

always so far
from the control room?

- Why do they do that to us?
- HANK: You heard the story about Smitty,

- how he kept a bucket underneath the console?
- IRENE: Ew.

- DICKIE: I'd use a bucket at this point.
- Hey.

- We've got to call someone.
- Get out! - Stop coming here!

Which way's the VIP green room?

Make a "U"
at the base of the stairs

and then a left at the hallway.

- Thanks.
- DICKIE: Jesus.

Almost made me pee
my fucking pants.

♪ ♪

- Hey.
- I beg your pardon.

Midge Maisel.

You're interrupting my steam.

Oh. Sorry.

Better?

Better. Thank you.

I just want to tell you
something, lady.

If you ever knock Midge Maisel
down again,

if you ban her from another club

or sit her ass off camera
on a telethon,

I will grab you and Harry Drake
by your fucking necks

and squeeze
until you're both fucking dead!

Lower your voice.

Then I'll take your limp bodies,

set 'em on fire,

and throw 'em
in the Gowanus Canal!

- Are you done?
- Then I'll fish 'em out of the canal,

tie 'em to the front of a truck,

and crash 'em
into a bed of spikes.

I think, at this point,
Harry and I are both quite dead.

Why are you doing this?

You live in a mansion.

You have
a chauffeured limousine,

a closet full of fat suits.

Why are you so obsessed
with her?

She bad-mouthed me,
and it got into the press.

Well, grow some balls, lady,
and stop with all your tricks.

- What tricks?
- You send tough guys, I take down tough guys.

You bar us from clubs,
I get us back in those clubs.

You put up walls,
I tear 'em down.

You threaten her,
you threaten me.

You threaten me, I'll punch
your fake tits so hard

your real tits'll feel it!
Count on it!

- (chuckles)
- Something funny?

- Mm.
- You should put it in your act. It'll shock the audience.

I will do anything
I have to do to protect Midge.

She's gonna work her way
up Midtown,

she's gonna headline the Copa,

she is gonna headline tours.

Put that on your plate.

You're her manager.

You should have told her
to apologize.

All of this would have ended
months ago.

I am not gonna make
my client apologize

for what is gonna make her
a star.

(audience laughing)

("Grandstand"
by Anthony W. Mawer playing)

- So, you ready to kill 'em?
- I think so.

- 'Cause there are five people watching at home.
- (clears throat)

I want you to slay
all five of them.

- They won't know what hit 'em.
- Two of them are older guys

with their hands
down their pants.

So, a minute
after you come on screen,

they're gonna come on screen.

Hey, that's a good joke.

I'm stealing that
for another night.

The cameramen are drunk.
This is insane.

♪ ♪

(song ends)

(scattered applause)

Well done, girls.

Ladies and gentlemen,
what a fabulous night.

Let's take a look at the final
count on our tally board.

Close to $78,000!

- (fanfare plays)
- (cheering and applause)

Wonderful!

Look at that...
you're following the confetti!

I'm the sweeper!

Are we wrapping early?
It's 11:55.

There's actually one more act.
That girl comedian.

Oh, shit. That's right.

What did this poor woman do
to get this slot?

We thank you for your generosity
and support...

Wait, almost forgot.

Uh, please give
a warm welcome to...

Mrs. Maisel!

- (applause)
- (clears throat)

(Midge clears throat)

(chuckles)
Thank you.

- Thank you, lady and gentleman.
- (audience chuckles)

(grunts) So very professional
of me to come on camera

already laughing,
as if something funny

just happened off camera
that you didn't see.

And you never get to know
what it was.

- (laughter)
- So you're frustrated.

You're tired,
and they've already

blown through the confetti,

so it's nothing
but downhill from here.

- (quietly): Get off. Get off.
- And thanks to those of you at home

- who are still conscious.
- You're on camera.

And for those of you at home
who aren't conscious

but are still in front
of your TVs,

vote for Kennedy.

Vote for Kennedy.

Was that political?
That was political.

- She can't do that.
- (chuckles) Ballsy.

So, this is the first time
I've ever been on television.

There's no way
you could possibly know that.

Because, you see, television
demands an unerring instinct

for knowing where the camera is,
at all times.

It's not something
you can learn.

It's pure instinct.

So, I am not a singer.

You would know that
if I, well, sang.

I am actually a comedian.

I talk to people for a living.

Not that I'm making a living.

Really, this whole comedian
thing was all just a ruse

to get on this telethon today.

Mason, I'll take that $78,000
now in small bills.

- (laughs)
- Arthritis be damned.

That's right.

This is an extremely
unlikely stickup.

The only witnesses being
some drunk cameramen,

three sailors on leave,
and 14 people half-asleep

in front of their TVs.

- (laughing)
- She's good.

She's a natural.

She's all that.

(audience laughs)

Phones are ringing
and nobody's answering.

Not good.

That's money left on the table.

Come on with me, everybody.

- Let's see who we've got calling here.
- Excuse us.

Hello and welcome
to the telethon.

Oh, you made a mistake
calling a comedian.

My refrigerator
is not running, sir.

Bye, now.

Hello and welcome
to the telethon.

No, Rabbi,
this is not a good time.

L'chaim.

Hello.

Oh, Mr. Graham Bell.

Thank you so much
for making tonight possible.

Without you and arthritis,
I'd be sitting at home,

bored out of my mind.
Love to Watson.

(laughter)

I was very instrumental
in making this happen.

She's Mrs. Maisel!

Mrs. Maisel is Mrs. Maisel!

She answers phones
and tells jokes.

What can't she do?

I can't talk right now.
I'm on a telethon. Got to go.

(laughter)

Holy fucking Christ.

MIDGE: Hello? Sorry, hard
to hear you over the bongos.

Yes, the telethon will be over
soon, Mr. Belafonte.

Trust me, daylight come
and I want to go home.

Hello, and welcome
to the telethon.

Will I marry you?

Well, how much
are you gonna pledge?

Put in an extra $20
and a Bendel's handbag

and you got yourself a wife.

Hello, and welcome
to the telethon.

Oh, you're downstairs.
Perfect. Hey, can someone

go downstairs and grab
my Chinese food delivery?

- It's two bucks plus tip.
- (neighbors laughing)

Hello. Aunt Hannah.

No, I don't know Eddie Fisher.

Yes, he's on TV sometimes, too,

- but he's not in the TV with me.
- (laughing)

Hello, and welcome
to the telethon.

Moses. Hi. What an honor.

I had no idea
you had arthritis.

So this is really happening.

MIDGE:
...if you took two tablets.

No kidding.
Thank you for your pledge.

- Where do I go now?
- Who's that?

My wife.

- You're married?
- Shh.

MIDGE: No, I'm not interested
in the Encyclopedia Britannica,

thank you.
I started reading it once

and couldn't get through it.
Good-bye.

(laughter onscreen)

Hello, and welcome
to the telethon.

Yes, thank you
for calling to confirm.

I do need a table for 12
at Keens Steakhouse

for tomorrow night.
I'm taking every single person

who's still watching this thing
out for a nice steak dinner.

(cheering and applause)

Take it from there, guys.

Hmm.

Okay, this telethon's
actually gone on so long

we're raising money for
the cameramen's arthritis now.

- (mouthing)
- And now the stage manager's

going like this.

We all know what that means
in show business.

- Whoopee!
- (cheering and applause)

It's whoopee time, everybody.

Everybody make whoopee.

(cheering, whistling)

No, actually, I think
they want me to wrap it up.

Thank you for watching,
everybody.

I'm Mrs. Maisel.
Thank you for giving.

Good night.

(cheering and applause)

Mrs. Maisel, everyone!
That was wonderful.

- Thank you.
- Just wonderful.

Who knew there were people
who were still up?

We've never had
this many calls so late.

We'll keep our phones manned,
so keep calling.

And thank you and...

tune in next year
for our fourth annual

Stop Arthritis
and Rheumatism Telethon.

Good night.

(cheering and applause)

Let's call it a day, guys.

- Bye, Susie.
- See ya, Irene.

Hope my wife stayed up for that.
She'd love it.

- Nice job, guys.
- Make her stick to the script next time?

- Never.
- Long day.

- We going to the place?
- Sound department's going.

Was it good? I couldn't tell.
I moved a lot.

Was that bad?
Did they hate me?

It was good.
They loved you.

Sal looked mad when I went over
to the phone bank.

Did it work?
Could you hear me?

Trust me, it was great.

It was almost better
that I went on later.

The circumstances were bad,
but the pressure was off.

The day sucked ass, but this
and taking down Sophie...

(clicks tongue) made it all
worthwhile. Let's get a drink.

Whoa, whoa.
Who took down Sophie?

I took down Sophie.

When? Where?

Walked into her dressing room.
By the way,

I'm getting you one of those
next time.

- But why?
- What do you mean, why?

We were gonna let it go.

That stuck-up twat
had it coming.

We were getting past
the whole thing.

Why antagonize her again?
What's the point?

That's the point.
I'm your manager,

and it was time
to fight the fuck back.

We were playing more clubs.
I was on TV.

Let me remind you
that you started this fight.

I'm just finishing it.

We going for that drink?

I'm tired.

Oh, come on.

You can't be serious.

I can't?

Fine. Be like that.

I'll drink enough
for the both of us.

(door opens)

("Cities in Dust" by Siouxsie
and the Banshees playing)

♪ ♪

♪ Water was running ♪

♪ Children were running ♪

♪ You were running out of time ♪

♪ Under the mountain ♪

♪ A golden fountain ♪

♪ Were you praying
at the Lares shrine? ♪

♪ But oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh, your city lies in dust ♪

♪ My friend ♪

♪ Oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh, your city lies in dust ♪

♪ My friend ♪

♪ ♪

♪ We found you hiding ♪

♪ We found you lying ♪

♪ Choking on the dirt and sand ♪

♪ Your former glories
and all the stories ♪

♪ Dragged and washed
with eager hands ♪

♪ But oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh, your city lies in dust ♪

♪ My friend ♪

♪ Oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh, your city lies in dust ♪

♪ My friend ♪

♪ Your city lies in dust ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Water was running ♪

♪ Children were running ♪

♪ We found you hiding ♪

♪ We found you lying ♪

♪ Water was running. ♪