Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

LIFE HAS BECOME VERY HECTIC FOR ME

SINCE THE GERMANS APPOINTED ME EDITOR

OF THE NEW LOCAL NEWSPAPER.

I AM SUPPOSED TO MAKE THEM SEEM LIKE NICE PEOPLE,

BUT IT IS NOT AN EASY TASK.

I STILL HAVE NOT RECOVERED FROM THE PICNIC,

ORGANIZED BY GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN,

TO SHOW THE HUMAN SIDE OF THE GERMAN ARMY,

WHICH WAS SPOILED BY HERR FLICK

AND HERR VON SMALLHAUSEN OF THE GESTAPO.

THEY WERE UP A NEARBY TELEGRAPH POLE

WHICH HAD BEEN PARTIALLY SAWN THROUGH

TO MAKE A RAFT TO GET THE BRITISH AIRMEN TO ENGLAND.

THE POLE FELL OVER,

HERR FLICK AND HIS COLLEAGUE

LANDED SPLAT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PICNIC,

RUINING THE TRIFLE AND CUSTARD,

NOT TO MENTION THEIR TROUSERS,

AND I STILL HAVE THE PICNIC BILL HERE--

UNPAID.

OH, OH, MICHELLE,

YOU WILL GIVE ME AN HEART ATTACK

CREEPING AROUND LIKE THAT.

I WAS WALKING BEHIND YOU, LIKE A SHADOW.

I SAW THREE SHADOWS AND I THOUGHT IT WAS STRANGE.

I MUST SPEAK WITH YOU, URGENTLY.

I WANT TO TALK TO YOU, TOO.

WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET THOSE

IDIOT BRITISH AIRMEN OUT OF MY HAIR?

I AM GETTING SOME GRAY ONES.

I DO NOT KNOW.

SINCE THE GESTAPO RUINED OUR PLAN

TO BUILD A RAFT OF TELEGRAPH POLES,

WE ARE NOW GOING TO HAVE TO USE

EMPTY WINE BARRELS INSTEAD.

BUT THAT IS NOT WHY I HAVE COME.

THEN WHY?

THE RESISTANCE HAVE RUN OUT OF FUNDS.

I'M LOOKING FOR DONATIONS.

COME ON, COUGH UP.

COUGH UP, WE ARE DESPERATE.

WE DO NOT HAVE ANY MONEY TO GIVE YOU.

OH, THIS CAFE IS A THRIVING BUSINESS.

I THINK THE RESISTANCE SHOULD GET

A REGULAR CUT OF THE TAKINGS.

WHERE IS THE MONEY?

WE HAVE NOT TAKEN ANY MONEY,

AND GIVING MONEY AWAY IS OUT OF THE QUESTION.

YOU WOULDN'T WANT ANY ACCIDENTS TO HAPPEN, WOULD YOU?

WHAT SORT OF ACCIDENTS?

( whistle blows )

( all yell )

THAT KIND OF ACCIDENT.

OH MY GOD.

COME ON. WE ARE DESPERATE AND FLAT BROKE.

OH, A FEW LOUSY FRANCS!

WHAT VALUABLES DO YOU HAVE

TO SELL FOR OUR FUNDS?

WE DO NOT HAVE ANY VALUABLES!

RENE, WHAT ABOUT THE PAINTING

OF THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH THE BIG BOOBIES?

WHAT PAINTING?

THE ONE YOU MADE ME GIVE

TO HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO.

IT MUST BE WORTH MILLIONS.

THEN WE MUST GET IT BACK AND SELL IT.

WITH THE MONEY WE CAN BUY

FOOD AND GUNS AND AMMUNITION.

AND SHAMPOO.

OH, YES. OF COURSE,

I'VE MADE A NOTE OF THAT.

I WILL GO AND DISCUSS IT WITH MY GIRLS.

WE WILL COME UP WITH A PLAN.

IF I HAVE A GOOD IDEA, I WILL LET YOU KNOW.

IF YOU HAVE A GOOD IDEA,

WE WILL LET THE WHOLE TOWN KNOW.

WHY DID YOU HAVE TO OPEN YOUR BIG MOUTH

ABOUT THAT PAINTING?

I DID IT FOR FRANCE.

SHE'S A FANATIC, THAT ONE.

WE MUST HELP MICHELLE TO GET THE PAINTING BACK TO SELL AFTER THE WAR.

BUT THEN SHE WILL HAVE IT, NOT YOU.

BETTER IN HER HANDS THAN IN THE SAFE OF HERR FLICK.

WE WILL FIND A WAY TO STEAL IT FROM MICHELLE.

MY MAD, BRAVE HUSBAND,

IT IS A DANGEROUS PLAN.

IF YOU ARE CAUGHT AT IT,

YOU COULD BE SHOT.

IT IS A RISK I HAVE OFTEN TAKEN.

A FEW MILLION FRANCS

CAN MAKE A MAN AWFULLY COURAGEOUS.

OH, RENE,

PUT YOUR ARM AROUND ME,

GIVE ME SOME OF YOUR COURAGE.

THAT IS ALL I CAN SPARE AT THE MOMENT.

EVERY BIT HELPS.

SPECIAL DELIVERY FROM BERLIN, HERR FLICK.

AH, IT IS FROM MY GODFATHER,

HEINRICH HIMMLER.

I RECOGNIZE THE SCENTED NOTEPAPER.

LET US HOPE HE HAS NOT HEARD

ABOUT THE COCK-UP ON THE TELEGRAPH POLE.

"DEAR OTTO, I HAVE HEARD

ABOUT THE COCK-UP ON THE TELEGRAPH POLE."

WORD GETS ABOUT QUICKLY, HERR FLICK.

SILENCE.

"I AM MOST DISPLEASED ABOUT IT.

I HAVE HEARD RUMORS THAT YOU HAVE BEEN

CONSORTING WITH WOMEN

OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.

ONLY SISSIES GO OUT WITH GIRLS,

AND I EXPECT YOU TO STOP IMMEDIATELY."

UNCLE HEINIE IS CUTTING OFF

OUR EXTRACURRICULAR CRUMPET.

HE DOES NOT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT ME, HERR FLICK.

"P.S. AND THAT GOES

FOR YOUR MIDGET FRIEND AS WELL."

( knocking )

SEE WHO IT IS.

WHO IS OUT THERE?

IT IS I, HELGA!

WE ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TALK TO GIRLS.

LET HER IN, VON SMALLHAUSEN.

I MUST BREAK THE BAD NEWS TO HER.

IT IS SO COLD OUT THERE,

MY NOSE IS RUNNING.

SIT DOWN, HELGA. I HAVE BAD NEWS FOR YOU.

I REALIZE THAT YOU WILL NEVER HAVE MET

SUCH A POWERFUL, VIRILE MAN AS I.

AFTER ME, ALL MEN

WILL BE AN ANTICLIMAX, I KNOW.

BUT I MUST END IT ALL NOW.

ARE MY EARS HEARING ME CORRECTLY?

( sniffs )

TAKE THIS HANDKERCHIEF, YOU WILL NEED IT.

I'M AFRAID OUR RELATIONSHIP

IS FINISHED.

THE LOVE AFFAIR OF THE CENTURY IS OVER.

YOU MAY LET THE TEARS COMMENCE.

( blowing nose )

BUT, HERR FLICK,

AFTER ALL MY DEVOTION AND LOYALTY TO YOU?

YOU HAVE NOT BEEN THAT DEVOTED, HELGA.

YOU HAVE DALLIED WITH THE ITALIAN CAPTAIN.

LIPS OTHER THAN MINE HAVE TOUCHED YOURS--

GARLIC STAINED LIPS.

HOW DARE YOU?!

AFTER ALL I'VE DONE FOR YOU, YOU CONCEITED LITTLE PIG.

I DO NOT RECALL ANY OF THESE THINGS.

SHE WAS INSULTING ME, NOT YOU.

I AM AFRAID, HELGA,

THAT YOU HAVE JUST TALKED YOURSELF

OUT OF THE SHARE I WAS SAVING FOR YOU

IN THE PAINTING OF THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH THE BIG BOOBIES.

YOU HAVE NOT GOT IT.

IT IS IN MY SAFE, SO THERE!

BUT THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE. FROM WHERE DID YOU GET IT?

I'M NOT TELLING YOU. THAT WILL TEACH YOU TO INSULT ME.

NOW HAND VON SMALLHAUSEN YOUR KEY TO THE DUNGEON.

OOOH! IT IS STILL HOT.

PUT IT ON THE TABLE.

NOW GO, AND DO NOT LOOK BACK.

DO NOT THINK I CARE ABOUT THE PAINTING.

I WOULD NOT TAKE A GIFT FROM YOU

IF I WERE STARVING AND PENNILESS.

BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE,

HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO,

I'VE HAD MORE THRILLS STAYING IN AND READING

THE COLLECTED SPEECHES OF GOEBBELS IN SERBO-CROAT,

THAN IN GOING OUT WITH YOU.

SHE TOOK IT LIKE A MAN, HERR FLICK.

SHE HAS ALSO JUST RUINED MY BEST GESTAPO SUIT!

UNCLE HEINIE IS RIGHT,

WE ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT WOMEN.

IN THAT CASE,

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN BETTER OFF.

SINCE I LET IT BE KNOWN

THE NEWSPAPER WAS LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY

TO ENCAPSULATE THE TRUE SPIRIT OF NOUVION,

WE HAVE BEEN INUNDATED WITH PHOTOGRAPHS

OF YOUNG WOMEN.

UNGH, AH.

OH, OHHH!

OH, MY DICKY TICKER.

IT CANNOT STAND THE EXCITEMENT.

HELLO, RENE.

HELLO, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.

I HAVE COME TO BE PHOTOGRAPHED

FOR YOUR SPIRIT OF NOUVION CONTEST.

AH, MADAME EDITH.

WE THANK YOU FOR GRACING OUR SMALL NEWSPAPER OFFICE

WITH YOUR PRESENCE.

I WILL ARRANGE FOR YOU A STOOL.

YOU ARE NOT SERIOUSLY ENTERING THE CONTEST, ARE YOU?

RENE, YOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW THAT

I HAVE THE PERFECT QUALITIES YOU SAID YOU WANTED:

BEAUTY, STRENGTH,

VIRTUE.

ONE OUT OF THREE IS A START, I SUPPOSE.

BUT YOU ARE THE EDITOR.

SURELY YOUR DECISION IS FINAL?

I AM ONLY THE EDITOR BECAUSE

THE COLONEL FORCED THE JOB ON ME.

BUT IT WOULD LOOK BAD IF I SHOWED FAVORITISM.

IN THAT CASE, I SHALL HAVE TO TAKE MY CHANCE

WITH THE REST OF THE COMPETITION--

IF THERE IS ANY.

AHA!

I HAVE COME TO BE PHOTOGRAPHED

FOR THE SPIRIT OF NOUVION CONTEST.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING AWAY FROM YOUR POST AT THE BAR?

WELL, MIMI IS THERE.

AND I AM HERE BECAUSE I HAVE STRENGTH,

VIRTUE, AND BEAUTY.

CERTAINLY TWO OUT OF THREE.

I ONLY AT THE MOMENT HAVE

ONE PHOTOGRAPH PLATE, MADEMOISELLE.

YVETTE, GO AND SIT NEXT TO EDITH.

WE WILL PHOTOGRAPH YOU TOGETHER,

AND CUT THE PHOTO IN HALF.

MIMI, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I HAVE COME TO BE PHOTOGRAPHED

FOR THE SPIRIT OF NOUVION CONTEST.

HAVE I NOT THE QUALIFICATIONS REQUIRED?

OH, YES.

IT'S JUST THAT THEY ARE IN A SMALLER PACKAGE.

WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE FEEDING THE CHICKENS.

I AM HAVING MY PHOTO TAKEN FOR THE CONTEST.

( laughing ) DON'T BOTHER.

I AM ENTERING THE COMPETITION,

SO YOU HAVE NO CHANCE.

THE JUDGES ARE BOUND TO PICK ME.

ONLY IF YOU BRIBE THEM FIRST.

HOW DARE YOU?!

( shrieking )

PLEASE KEEP YOUR GIRLS

UNDER CONTROL, MONSIEUR.

STOP THAT. STOP IT!

WE WILL PHOTOGRAPH YOU ALL TOGETHER,

AND CUT IT INTO THREE.

NOW SIT DOWN AND BEHAVE.

Both: YES, RENE.

LET ME SEE

THE TRUE SPIRIT OF NOUVION.

AFTER WHAT I HAVE JUST SEEN,

IT'S GOING TO MAKE

A VERY HARD DECISION.

I WILL GO AND GET THIS DEVELOPED

IN THE PRIVACY OF MY DARKROOM,

WHERE I ALSO KEEP MY BLOOD PRESSURE PILLS.

NOW, NO MORE SQUABBLING.

ALL RIGHT, YOU TWO, GET BACK AND LOOK AFTER THE CAFE.

AND BE ASSURED,

THE DECISION OF THE EDITOR IS FINAL.

Both: YES, RENE.

OH, RENE, YOU ARE SO GOOD FOR THOSE GIRLS.

THEY NEED A STRICT DISCIPLINE.

I DO MY BEST, EDITH.

( Rene groans )

- GOOD MOANING. - GOOD MOANING.

MONSIEUR LECLOCK SAID THAT

I WOULD FOND YOU HERE, RONNIE.

I HAVE A MASSAGE FROM MICHELLE.

AND WHAT IS THE MASSAGE?

IT IS ABOOT THE PUNTING

OF THE FILLEN MIDINNA WITH THE BOG BEEBIES.

"WE WILL TUNNEL INTO--

THE DUNGEON OF HERR FLICK,

FROM THE OLD DISUSED BAKERY NEXT DOOR,

AND STEAL THE PAINTING FROM HIS SAFE TONIGHT."

OH, YES, YES. I SUPPOSE SHE THINKS THAT I KEEP

A ROAD DRILL UNDER MY BED,

NOT TO MENTION A WELDING MACHINE.

NO, SHE HAS GONE MAD!

MONSIEUR LECLOCK

IS AN EXPERIENCED SOFEBRICKER.

HE HAS ALRIDDY AGRODE TO DEE IT,

AND HE HAS THE TOWELS TO DO THE JIB.

BUT HERR FLICK AND HERR VON SMALLHAUSEN

WILL BE IN THE DUNGEON TONIGHT.

YOU MUST GET THEM OUT.

HOW?

YOU MUST TELEPHONE THEM, ANINYMOUSLY,

AND SAY THAT A SECRET MASSAGE

WILL BE PISSED IN YOUR CAFE TONIGHT.

THE MASSAGE WILL BE FILSE,

BUT IT WILL LEAR THEM AWAY

FROM THEIR DINGEON.

OH, SHE HAS THOUGHT OF EVERYTHING.

HOW COMFORTING.

MICHELLE WILL RANDYVOUS WITH YOU

IN THE SQUARE,

AT HALF-PISSED TIN.

I DO NOT RECALL HAVING A RANDYVOUS IN THE SQUARE--

SINCE I WAS A BACHELOR.

( sucks in air ) TSK, TSK, TSK,

YOU MAKE THAT MOVE, HE TAKE YOUR PAWN.

BE QUIET,

IT'S ALL PART OF MY GAME PLAN.

CHECKMATE.

THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

I WITHDRAW MY MOVE.

ANY COMPLAINT WILL BE REGARDED

AS UNSPORTING.

I WITHDRAW.

I WAS BEING TOO HASTY.

OH, DEAR, I'M SORRY, COLONEL.

I SEEM TO HAVE CHECKMATED YOU AGAIN.

IN THAT CASE,

YOU HAVE A TRICKY PROBLEM TO SOLVE.

COLONEL,

I HAVE SOME INTELLIGENCE,

WHICH YOU MAY FIND MOST INTERESTING.

WHAT IS THIS INTELLIGENCE, HELGA?

HERR FLICK HAS SOMEHOW OBTAINED THE PAINTING

OF THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH THE BIG BOOBIES.

IT IS IN HIS SAFE.

BUT, HELGA,

YOU DO STILL HAVE THE KEY TO HIS DUNGEON?

IN A FIT OF PIQUE, I GAVE IT BACK.

HELGA! YOU SHOULD HAVE MADE A COPY.

HOW CAN WE GET IN TO STEAL THE PAINTING?

COULD YOU NOT DISGUISE YOURSELVES

AS RESISTANCE DESPERADOS AND BLOW DOWN THE DOOR?

BUT HERR FLICK AND HIS LITTLE PYGMY FRIEND,

THEY INSIDE.

ALL THE BETTER.

YOU STICK THEM UP WITH GUNS,

AND MAKE THEM OPEN THE SAFE.

YOU GET THE PAINTING, THE RESISTANCE GETS THE BLAME.

WELL, IT DOES HAVE

A CERTAIN CRUDE SIMPLICITY,

BUT I REALLY DON'T THINK

I FANCY THE ROLE OF DESPERADO.

WE CAN USE BERTORELLI'S MEN.

DO I GET A CUT WHEN WE SELL THE PAINTING?

WE GIVE YOU OUR WORD.

OKEY-DOKEY. BUT I TELL THEM

IT'S A TRAINING EXERCISE,

OR THEY WANT A CUT OF THE ACTION.

VERY WELL, WE'LL DO IT TONIGHT

AT MIDNIGHT.

( phone rings )

GOOD AFTERNOON,

GESTAPO SECRET HEADQUARTERS,

CAN I HELP YOU?

( disguising voice ) THIS IS A FRIEND.

GIVE ME HERR FLICK, PLEASE.

WE HAVE A FRIEND, HERR FLICK.

OUR FIRST!

PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO COME ROUND FOR TEA ONE AFTERNOON?

THIS IS THE GESTAPO, VON SMALLHAUSEN,

NOT THE WOMEN'S INSTITUTE.

THIS IS HERR FLICK.

IF YOU GO TO CAFE RENE

TONIGHT AT JUST BEFORE 10:00,

YOU MIGHT SEE A SECRET MESSAGE BEING PASSED,

WHICH COULD BE OF INTEREST TO YOU.

AND WHAT IS THIS MESSAGE?

( phone clicks )

HE HAS RUNG OFF.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

WE MUST GO TO THE CAFE RENE THIS EVENING,

TO INTERCEPT A SECRET MESSAGE.

THIS COULD PUT US BACK

IN UNCLE HEINIE'S GOOD BOOKS.

BUT SURELY THEY WOULD NOT PASS A MESSAGE IF THEY SEE

TWO SINISTER FIGURES LIKE US, HERR FLICK.

FIGURES THAT STRIKE TERROR

INTO THE EYES OF ALL THAT BEHOLD THEM,

AS THEY LIMP THROUGH THE MISTS

OF THE NARROW COBBLED STREETS OF NOUVION,

TO KEEP THEIR DATE WITH DESTINY.

DO NOT LET THAT PETER LORRE FILM WE SAW LAST NIGHT

COMPLETELY DOMINATE YOUR MIND, VON SMALLHAUSEN.

I'M SORRY, HERR FLICK.

WE WILL GO IN DISGUISE.

I SHALL GO

AS A DEBONAIR MAN ABOUT TOWN.

YOU WILL GO AS MY LADY COMPANION.

BUT I-- I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR.

THERE IS, IN THE GESTAPO DISGUISE CUPBOARD,

A VERY PRETTY PINK FROCK.

YOU WILL ALSO FIND A BOX OF ACCESSORIES.

WILL WE BE ON OUR FIRST DATE,

OR ARE WE GOING STEADY?

WHAT HAS THAT GOT TO DO WITH IT?

WELL, IT WILL INFLUENCE

MY CHOICE OF UNDERGARMENT.

DO NOT MENTION UNDERGARMENTS, VON SMALLHAUSEN.

IT REMINDS ME TOO MUCH OF THE FRUIT

MY UNCLE HEINIE HAS FORBIDDEN ME TO PICK.

I'M SORRY, HERR FLICK.

GO AND TITIVATE YOURSELF IMMEDIATELY.

AND MAKE SURE YOU SHAVE YOUR LEGS.

IS THAT NECESSARY?

SENIOR GESTAPO OFFICERS

DO NOT GO OUT ON THE TOWN

WITH HAIRY-LEGGED MIDGETS.

IS IT TRUE BLONDES HAVE MORE FUN?

YES,

BUT NOT IN YOUR CASE.

♪ ...AND LOVE ♪

♪ FELL OUT ♪

♪ WITH ME-EEE. ♪

PEASANTS!

GOOD EVENING, MONSIEUR. GOOD EVENING, MADAME.

GOOD EVENING.

( falsetto ) GOOD EVENING.

I'M AFRAID YOU HAVE JUST MISSED THE SINGING.

WE ARE MUSIC LOVERS,

SO THAT IS GOOD NEWS.

BRING ME THE WINE LIST.

OF COURSE, MONSIEUR.

RENE, IT IS HERR FLICK AND HERR VON SMALLHAUSEN

IN DISGUISE, AT THAT TABLE THERE.

THE PLAN IS WORKING.

JUST ACT NORMALLY.

GET TO THE DOOR; GIVE MONSIEUR LECLERC THE SIGNAL.

YES.

I WILL JUST SEE IF IT IS RAINING.

IT IS NOT RAINING.

THE WINE LIST, MONSIEUR.

SHALL WE ORDER CHAMPAGNE?

CERTAINLY NOT!

I DO NOT BUY CHAMPAGNE FOR UGLY GIRLS LIKE YOU.

BUT OTTO, DARLING,

SURELY WE COULD SPLASH OUT ON A BOTTLE OF BUBBLY?

DO NOT PUSH YOUR LUCK, VON SMALLHAUSEN.

RENE, DO YOU THINK IT WILL WORK?

PROVIDED MONSIEUR LECLERC HAS NOT

GONE TO SLEEP IN A DOORWAY--

HE HAS BEEN OUT THERE AN HOUR.

I DO HOPE HE LOOKS SUSPICIOUS ENOUGH.

YOU CANNOT LOOK MUCH MORE SUSPICIOUS THAN THAT.

MATCHES, LOVELY MATCHES.

WHO WILL BUY SOME MATCHES

FROM A POOR OLD MATCH SELLER?

COME OVER HERE WITH ME, BY THE BAR,

POOR OLD MATCH SELLER,

WHOM I DO NOT KNOW.

I THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING FOR ME.

THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING SUSPICIOUS

AND BEING DERANGED, YOU SILLY OLD FOOL.

THEY HAVE NOT NOTICED.

GOD KNOWS HOW THEY CAN HAVE MISSED YOU.

GO OUT AND DO IT AGAIN.

I GO. I COME BACK.

ARE YOU KEEPING YOUR EYES SKINNED?

YES, BUT I CANNOT FIND

ANY CHATEAU-BOTTLED WINES.

FORGET THE WINE LIST.

WE ARE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING SUSPICIOUS.

VERY WELL, HERR FLICK.

AND STOP EYEING UP THE MEN

AT THE NEXT TABLE,

AND COVER YOURSELF UP,

YOU ARE SHOWING TOO MUCH LEG.

I WILL NOT BE TWO-TIMED

BY AN OVER TITIVATED TART.

I'M SORRY, DARLING.

AND DO NOT CALL ME "DARLING."

BUT HE KEEPS WINKING AT ME.

HE'S OBVIOUSLY DRUNK. IGNORE HIM.

HAVE YOU CHOSEN YET, MONSIEUR?

YES, I WILL HAVE A GLASS

OF YOUR FINEST COGNAC.

AND FOR THIS REMARKABLE LOOKING LADY?

SHE WILL HAVE A GLASS

OF YOUR MOST INFERIOR WINE.

MATCHES!

WHO WILL BUY MY MATCHES?

LOOK, AN OLD MATCH SELLER.

AND A STRANGER TO ME.

I WONDER WHAT HE WANTS HERE?

Mamma: ERNEST?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I HAVE BEEN WAITING UPSTAIRS

FOR HOURS.

ARE YOU NOT COMING UP?

I AM JUST PASSING

THIS SECRET MESSAGE, FANNY.

WHAT WAS THAT?

( louder ) I AM JUST PASSING THIS SECRET MESSAGE.

A SECRET MESSAGE?

WHAT SECRET MESSAGE?

GET BACK TO BED, YOU SILLY OLD BAT.

YOU CAN GET KNOTTED.

AHEM.

I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THIS MESSAGE, MONSIEUR.

STOP!

I WILL TAKE THIS MESSAGE.

FOR I AM NONE OTHER THAN

HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO.

NO! WHAT A SURPRISE.

- ( scream in unison ) - ( glass breaks )

MY MASTERLY

USE OF DISGUISE

HAS FOOLED YOU ALL.

READ THE MESSAGE, VON SMALLHAUSEN.

"THE TWO BIRDS YOU ARE LOOKING FOR

WILL BE IN THE HOLLOW TREE,

20 PACES ALONG THE RIVER

FROM THE OLD BRIDGE, AND 40 PACES

INTO THE WOODS AT MIDNIGHT."

HMM, "THE TWO BIRDS,"

BIRDS FLY, AND SO DO AIRMEN.

AHA!

THE BRITISH AIRMEN ARE HIDDEN IN THE TREE.

WE WILL GO THERE AT MIDNIGHT AND APPREHEND THEM.

NOBODY IS TO LEAVE THE CAFE

OR GO TO THE WOODS,

OR THERE WILL BE SEVERE PENALTIES.

HERR VON SMALLHAUSEN?

YOU FORGOT YOUR HANDBAG.

AND YOUR SEAMS ARE CROOKED.

OH, RENE, IT WORKED.

THEY WILL BE OUT OF THE DUNGEON

WHEN WE BREAK IN TONIGHT.

GO AND GET YOUR SAFEBREAKING EQUIPMENT,

WE WILL SET OFF FOR THE BAKERY VERY SHORTLY.

- ERNEST? - HEH?

ARE YOU NOT COMING UP TO BED,

MY LOVE?

I FEEL RATHER...

PLAYFUL.

FIRST, I MUST GET MY DRILL

AND DYNAMITE, FANNY.

AH, WELL,

ON SECOND THOUGHTS,

I THINK I WILL HAVE AN EARLY NIGHT.

THIS MUST BE THE TREE, HERR FLICK.

SHINE YOUR TORCH IN IT,

AND SEE IF THE BRITISH AIRMEN ARE IN THERE.

THERE ARE JUST THESE TWO PHEASANTS, HERR FLICK.

THERE IS A NOTE ON THEM. WHAT DOES IT SAY?

"DEAR RENE,

THESE ARE THE TWO BIRDS

TO PUT ON YOUR MENU.

SIGNED,

A. POACHER."

WE HAVE BEEN LED

ON A WILD GOOSE CHASE, VON SMALLHAUSEN.

( animal squeaks )

WHAT WAS THAT?

( squeak )

( squeak )

I HAVE BEEN STRUCK BY A HAZELNUT.

( squeaking )

WHAT IMPUDENCE! WE ARE THE GESTAPO!

( machine gun firing )

WELL?

WE HAVE COME UP

UNDER THE SAFE OF HERR FLICK.

WE HAVE TO CUT AWAY AT THE METAL NOW.

THAT IS MONSIEUR LECLERC'S JOB.

I AM READY.

IS THE COAST STILL CLEAR?

OFFICER CRABTREE IS STANDING BY IN THE SQUARE.

IF ANYONE COMES, HE WILL LET US KNOW.

REMIND ME NEVER TO GO SAFEBREAKING WITH YOU AGAIN.

THAT SHOULD JUST BE ENOUGH

EXPLOSIVE TO BLOW UP THE DOOR.

GOOD MOANING.

WIT ARE YOU DEEING

LITTERING OUTSOD

THE SECRET HEADQUITTERS

OF HERR FLOCK OF THE GESTOOPOO

AT THIS TOME OF NIT?

Gruber: WE WERE JUST--

TAKING THE NIGHT AIR, OFFICER.

YOU MIST ACCIMPANY ME

TO THE POLOOSE STOTION.

WHATEVER FOR?

I SUSPECT YOU ARE COMMITTING A BIGLERY.

AND WHAT IF WE DON'T WANT TO GO?

THEN I SHALL HOV

TO USE FIERCE.

I AM OUTNIMBERED,

BUT I AM A BOG MIN,

AND I CAN TIK YOU

ON ANY DEE OF THE WICK.

( whistles )

MY MEN, THEY GOT NO RESPECT FOR THE FUZZ.

OKAY,

I LIGHT THE FUSE.

THIS BETTER BE RIGHT, BERTORELLI.

YOU WILL HARDLY NOTICE ANYTHING, COLONEL.

I THINK MAYBE I OVERDO

THE DYNAMITE.

HANDS UP!

THERE'S NO ONE HERE.

WITHOUT HERR FLICK AND VON SMALLHAUSEN,

HOW ARE WE GOING TO OPEN THE SAFE?

MAYBE ONE OF MY MEN KNOWS HOW TO DO IT.

SAFEBREAKING

IS A VERY COMPLICATED BUSINESS, CAPTAIN.

THAT LOT WON'T HAVE A CLUE.

STEP FORWARD,

ANYONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO CRACK THE SAFE.

THAT'S MY BOYS.

EVERYONE HAS DONE THE PORRIDGE.

OKAY, I TAKE YOU.

THE REST OF YOU, WAIT OUTSIDE.

- ( men groan ) - I SAID OUTSIDE!

YOU KEEP WATCH FOR THE SNOOPERS.

GRUBER, LOOK.

HERR FLICK HAS A LEAGUE TABLE

OF ALL THE RESISTANCE SUSPECTS IN THE AREA.

LOOK, HERE IS RENE.

HOW HANDSOME HE LOOKS.

BUT WHY ARE THERE TWO PHOTOGRAPHS OF HIM?

Colonel: I THINK THAT'S HIS LATE TWIN BROTHER.

THE ONE YOU SHOT.

PLEASE, COLONEL, DO NOT REMIND ME.

THE VISION OF HIM HAUNTS ME STILL.

ACCORDING TO THIS CHART,

RENE IS HIGH UP ON THE LIST OF SUSPECTS.

THAT IS BECAUSE HE IS VERY POPULAR.

IF I WAS HERR FLICK,

HE'D BE NUMBER ONE.

I HAVE CUT THROUGH THE BOTTOM OF THE SAFE.

WHERE IS THE PAINTING?

IT IS INSIDE, ON A SHELF.

SOME SAFEBREAKER.

MIND OUT, I WILL GET IT.

COME ON, BABY, OPEN FOR ALVARO.

( lock clicks )

IT'S DONE.

RIGHT, YOU WAIT OUTSIDE NOW.

LIEUTENANT GRUBER!

AARGHH!

WHAT'S THE MATTER, GRUBER?

IN THERE--

THE DISEMBODIED HEAD

OF RENE'S TWIN BROTHER!

ALL WHITE AND GHOSTLY.

AND HE SPOKE MY NAME.

Rene: I AM STUCK. PULL ME OUT.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, GRUBER?

WHERE'S THE PAINTING?

NO PAINTING.

JUST THAT HORRIBLE HEAD.

OH, WILL THIS RESTLESS SPIRIT

NEVER LEAVE ME IN PEACE?

AARGHH!

WHAT RUBBISH.

( gasps )

OH, COLONEL VON STROHM,

I CAN EXPLAIN--

HE SPOKE MY NAME.

DID HE MENTION MY NAME?

NOT YET.

OH, THANK GOD! MAMMA MIA.

AHHH! WAIT FOR ME.

WE ARE DONE FOR.

THE GERMANS ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WALL.

WHAT?!

LIEUTENANT GRUBER OPENED THE DOOR,

AND THE COLONEL-- THEY BOTH SAW ME.

OOOH! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

IF I AM CAUGHT,

I SHALL SAY IT WAS ALL YOUR IDEA.

I THINK I SHOULD TELL YOU THAT YOU HAVE JUST

LESSENED YOUR CHANCES OF WINNING

THE SPIRIT OF NOUVION COMPETITION.

WE HAVE WHAT WE CAME FOR. GIVE ME THE PAINTING.

NO, IT WILL BE SAFE DOWN MY TROUSERS.

THERE ARE GERMANS EVERYWHERE. WHAT ARE WE TO DO?

WHAT EVERY FRENCHMAN DOES IN AN EMERGENCY--

LEG IT FOR THE HILLS.

IF I DO NOT WIN THAT SPIRIT OF NOUVION CONTEST,

I WILL TELL MICHELLE

THAT YOU HAVE A FORGERY

DOWN YOUR OTHER TROUSER LEG, WHICH YOU INTEND TO GIVE HER.

YOU WOULD NOT DO THAT.

OH, BELIEVE ME, RENE,

THE DECISION OF THE WIFE OF THE EDITOR IS FINAL.

OH, ALL RIGHT. YOU WILL WIN.

MICHELLE, WAIT FOR US.

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