Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

AT LAST EVERYTHING IS BACK TO NORMAL HERE IN NOUVION,

OR AS NORMAL AS POSSIBLE.

I AND MY WIFE, EDITH, HAVE RETURNED SAFELY

FROM OUR TRIP TO LONDON,

WHERE WE HAD FLED TO AVOID BEING SHOT

BY THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE,

WHO WERE CROSS THAT I WAS TO BE GIVEN

A COLLABORATION MEDAL BY THE GERMANS.

FORTUNATELY FOR US,

THE GERMANS DECIDED NOT TO GIVE ME THE MEDAL,

SO MY LIFE IS NOT IN DANGER.

I DID NOT ENJOY MY SHORT TIME IN ENGLAND.

I STILL HAVE INDIGESTION FROM THE TERRIBLE FOOD,

PLUS SEVERAL PAIRS OF Y-FRONTS,

FROM THE MARKS AND SPENCERS

WHICH I SOON FOUND ARE A SIZE TOO SMALL.

BUT THEN I SHOULD NOT BE SURPRISED.

MY WIFE CHOSE THEM AND SHE HAS ALWAYS

UNDERESTIMATED MY REQUIREMENTS.

O-O-OH,

RENE, I HAVE NOT YET HAD A PROPER CHANCE

TO WELCOME YOU BACK.

THIS WOULD BE A GOOD MOMENT.

OH!

OH, RENE, I WAS SO WORRIED ABOUT YOU

ON YOUR DANGEROUS TRIP TO ENGLAND.

I LOOK INTO YOUR EYES,

AND I SEE HOW MUCH YOU HAVE SUFFERED FROM THE JOURNEY.

IT WAS TRAVELING IN THOSE TIGHT Y-FRONTS,

BUT I AM RECOVERING.

OH, RENE,

MY LOVE FOR YOU IS LIKE A FEVER.

CAN YOU NOT FEEL

I HAVE GONE LIMP ALL OVER?

I HOPE IT IS NOTHING CONTAGIOUS.

RENE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING

HOLDING THAT SERVANT GIRL IN YOUR ARMS?

YOU STUPID WOMAN!

CAN YOU NOT SEE THIS POOR CHILD

IS SUFFERING FROM DELAYED SHOCK?

SHE THOUGHT SHE HAD LOST YOU FOREVER.

ME?

YES, YOU.

YOU ARE LIKE A MOTHER TO HER.

SHE MODELS HERSELF ON YOU.

IF SHE HAD STRINGIER HAIR,

SHE WOULD DO IT LIKE YOURS.

AND NOW YOU ARE BACK,

SHE IS OVERCOME WITH EMOTION AND RELIEF.

OH, THIS IS TRUE.

OH, HOW THOUGHTLESS I AM.

GO UP AND LIE DOWN ON MY BED,

AND PUT A DROP OF MY COLOGNE ON YOUR BROW.

OH, THANK YOU, MAMMA,

I MEAN MADAM EDITH.

OH, RENE, FORGIVE ME.

I AM NOT MYSELF TODAY.

MY BUNION IS GIVING ME GYP.

IT ALWAYS HAPPENS WHEN I AM UNDER A STRAIN.

OH, RENE, HOLD ME.

HOBBLE HERE FOR A HUG, COME ON.

RENE,

I HAVE GOOD NEWS.

OFFICER CRABTREE HAS FOUND THE BRITISH AIRMEN.

THEY WERE HIDING IN A PIGSTY.

WHAT ABOUT THE SMELL?

I EXPECT THE PIGS GOT USED TO IT.

LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,

I SHALL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE.

WE HAVE A NEW PLAN TO GET THE BRITISH AIRMEN BACK TO ENGLAND.

OH, NOT ANOTHER ONE?

WE ARE GOING TO BUILD A RAFT

FOR THEM TO SAIL ACROSS THE CHANNEL.

FOR A RAFT YOU NEED THE TRUNKS OF TREES.

THE WOODS ARE OUT OF BOUNDS.

AND ANYONE SEEN WALKING AROUND

WITH A CHOPPER OVER HIS SHOULDER

WOULD AROUSE SUSPICION.

THIS IS TRUE.

WE SHALL NOT GO TO THE WOODS.

ALREADY MY RESISTANCE GIRLS

HAVE SAWN HALFWAY THROUGH SIX TELEGRAPH POLES.

WHEN IT IS DARK, WE WILL GO OUT

AND PULL THEM DOWN, AND BUILD THE RAFT.

AND COINCIDENTALLY,

SEVERELY DAMAGE GERMAN COMMUNICATION LINES.

OOH, I HAVE A TWINGE IN MY BUNION.

HER BUNION DOES NOT LIKE THIS PLAN.

GOOD MOANING.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE BRINGING THE BRITISH AIRMEN?

I AM CHOCKING TO SEE IF THE KISSED IS KLOOR.

I SEE THAT WE ARE ALOON.

YOU HAVE NOT LEFT THEM IN THE OPEN

OUTSIDE MY CAFE, HAVE YOU?

DO NOT WIRRY, RONNIE.

I HAVE BRUTE THEM FROM THE POGSTEE

IN A WOODEN COAT PULLED BY A DINKEY.

WOODEN CART, DONKEY.

I GOT THAT.

THEY ARE DISGEESED AS SOCKS OF POTOOTOES.

OH, THAT IS A GOOD DISGUISE.

WE ALWAYS NEED POTOOTOOS,

I MEAN POTATOES.

GET THEM IN.

COME IN HERE, CHAPS.

I MEANT CARRY THEM IN,

SACKS OF POTATOES DO NOT USUALLY

STROLL IN HERE TO BE PEELED.

- HELLO. - HELLO.

OOH, WHAT A PONG!

THEY STILL HAVE A LOT OF POGSTEE ON THEM.

THEY CANNOT STAY HERE IN THAT CONDITION.

LOOK AT THE MESS THEY ARE MAKING.

ASK THE GIRLS TO BOIL SOME WATER

AND GET THE STRONGEST DISINFECTANT THEY CAN FIND.

TO WASH THE FLOOR?

NO, TO WASH THE AIRMEN.

WHAT ARE THEY GOING ON ABOUT?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

THEY ARE GOING TO GIVE YOU A BATH, CHAPS,

TO GET ALL THAT PIGGY STUFF OFF.

OH, SPLENDID!

BAGS, I THE END WITHOUT THE TAPS.

YOU'LL HAVE TO BE QUICK.

( duck call blows )

( blows )

Helga: HERR FLICK?

HERR FLICK, I'M HERE.

CAN YOU HEAR ME?

( blows )

AH, HELGA.

IT WAS NOT VERY CLEVER OF YOU

TO CHOOSE THE MATING CALL OF A WILD GOOSE

IN YOUR SECRET MESSAGE TO ME

TO SIGNAL YOUR ARRIVAL.

WILD GEESE HAVE BEEN MATING ALL DAY.

OUR KNEES ARE RAW FROM SCRABBLING

UP THIS ROUGH MONASTERY WALL.

FORGIVE ME, HERR FLICK,

I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS THE MATING SEASON.

NEXT TIME,

CONSULT YOUR GIRL GUIDE DIARY.

COME, VON SMALLHAUSEN,

WE MUST LEAVE

THIS MONASTIC EXISTENCE BEHIND.

DO YOU WANT A HAND, HERR FLICK?

NO, AVERT YOUR EYES.

( two thuds )

QUICK, WHERE IS THE GETAWAY VEHICLE?

I COULD NOT GET A CAR, SO I BROUGHT THIS INSTEAD.

THIS IS MOST UNSATISFACTORY.

THE GESTAPO ARE NOT USED TO ESCAPING

ON A THREE-WHEELED TANDEM.

WE WILL BE THE LAUGHINGSTOCK

OF THE WHOLE GERMAN ARMY.

OH, HERR FLICK,

WHAT TERRIBLE HARDSHIPS

YOU MUST HAVE SUFFERED IN THERE.

WE HAVE SUFFERED MANY DEPRIVATIONS.

WE WERE ONLY ALLOWED

TO KEEP OUR BARE NECESSITIES.

WE NEARLY LOST THOSE A COUPLE OF TIMES.

THAT WAS BECAUSE OF YOUR POOR NEEDLEWORK.

GO AND SIT ON THE TRICYCLE.

MAY I WELCOME YOU BACK WITH A KISS?

VERY WELL,

BUT MAKE IT A QUICK ONE.

WE MAY BE MISSED.

WE ARE PLAYING HOOKY FROM JAM MAKING.

WHAT SHAME! WHAT INFAMY!

A MEMBER OF OUR HOLY ORDER

CONSORTING WITH A WOMAN.

YOU WILL BE SCOURGED FOR THIS, BROTHER OTTO.

OH, NOT THE SCOURGING!

TO OUR GETAWAY TRICYCLE, AND QUICKLY.

COME BACK, YOU SINNERS!

YOU MUST BE PUNISHED FOR THIS!

NOT ON YOUR NELLY!

IF WE SOAK MUCH LONGER IN HERE,

I AM GOING TO SHRIVEL UP.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE SOAP?

IT WAS HERE A SECOND AGO.

IF YOU HADN'T INSISTED ON PUTTING

BAKING POWDER IN TO MAKE SOME BUBBLES,

WE WOULD BE ABLE TO SEE IT.

AH! GOT IT.

I DON'T THINK SO, OLD CHAP.

WELL, WHAT HAVE I GOT THEN?

OH, THE LOOFAH.

IT'S NOT VERY PRIVATE IN HERE, IS IT?

IT WOULD BE A LOT LESS PRIVATE

WITHOUT THIS BAKING POWDER.

RENE HAS GIVEN ME ORDERS

TO GET YOU CLEAN.

HERE. I HEAR THE ENGLISH

HATE TO TAKE A BATH.

YOU TAKE THE ONE WITH THE SPOTTY BACK,

AND I'LL TAKE THE ONE WITH THE BOIL ON HIS BUM.

WHAT DID SHE SAY?

I THINK THEY'RE GOING TO SCRUB THE FLOOR.

FUNNY TIME TO DO IT.

YEAH. OOH, AH! GET OFF!

I THINK WE WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER OFF

IN THE PIGSTY, CARSTAIRS.

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

LOOK AT THIS POSTER I FOUND IN THE MAIN SQUARE.

IT IS AN ABSOLUTE DISGRACE!

YES, THE WRITING IS RATHER BAD.

QUITE INDISTINCT IN PLACES.

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE HANDWRITING,

LOOK AT THE CONTENT!

DASH IT, THESE ARE MY TANK DRIVING SPECTACLES.

YOU'D BETTER READ IT, GRUBER.

JUST A MOMENT, WHILE I MAKE A NOTE.

COLONEL TO RETAKE TANK DRIVING TEST

AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

CARRY ON, GRUBER.

"THE RESISTANCE CALLS ON ALL LOYAL CITIZENS

TO HAMPER THE EFFORTS OF THE ACCURSED BOCHE--"

( chuckles )

"-- AND MAKE THE LIFE OF THE OCCUPYING ARMY IN NOUVION

AS UNCOMFORTABLE AS POSSIBLE."

WHAT CHEEK.

"SUGGESTIONS:

PUT ITCHING POWDER IN THEIR WASHING,

WATER IN THEIR PETROL,

GARLIC IN THEIR STRUDEL,

AND TIN TACKS ON THE ROADS,

AND WHENEVER POSSIBLE,

DROP A BRICK ON THEIR HEADS."

AND I THOUGHT THEY ALL LOVED ME.

"COMRADES, WE MUST SHOW THAT FAT PIG OF A COLONEL--"

EXCUSE ME, COLONEL,

BUT I AM ONLY READING WHAT IT SAYS.

CONTINUE.

"-- AND THAT PONCING, LITTLE TANK DRIVING,

TWIT OF A SIDEKICK--"

WHOEVER THAT MAY BE.

IS YOU.

THERE ARE LOTS OF TANKS!

READ ON AND STOP ARGUING.

"-- AND FINALLY, WE MUST ALSO SHOW

THAT OVER-MEDALED ITALIAN CHICKEN

THAT WE MEAN BUSINESS."

THAT MEANS YOU.

LOOK, I AM SEETHING WITH ANGER.

SEE MY MUSTACHE? IT BRISTLES.

EVERY MEDALLION ON MY CHEST

WAS WON WITH A BRAVE DEED.

HAVE YOU FINISHED?

NO, I STAMP MY FOOT.

I HURT MY LEG.

THIS RUBBISH CLEARLY UNDERMINES

THE EFFORTS OF THE OCCUPYING FORCES.

THERE IS EVEN A SCURRILOUS CARTOON OF ME

ON THE REVERSE SIDE.

( giggles )

NO, I THINK YOU ARE MISTAKEN, GENERAL.

IT'S A LADY IN SUSPENDERS WITH A SPIKED HELMET.

THE CAPTION, READ THE CAPTION.

( laughs ) "VON KINKYHOFFEN."

IT'S OUTRAGEOUS.

DID YOU WISH TO SAY SOMETHING, CAPTAIN BERTORELLI?

NO.

THEN SHUT UP!

( laughing )

WE MUST BEAT THE RESISTANCE

AT THEIR OWN GAME.

WE SHALL REVIVE THE LOCAL NEWSPAPER

THAT WE CLOSED AT THE BEGINNING

OF THE OCCUPATION,

AND USE IT FOR OUR OWN PROPAGANDA PURPOSES.

EXCELLENT IDEA, GENERAL.

AH, BUT IT MUST NOT BE TOO OBVIOUSLY PROPAGANDA.

WE NEED A FRENCHMAN TO EDIT THE PAPER.

THAT WILL GIVE IT CREDENCE

IN THE EYES OF THE VILLAGERS.

ANOTHER GOOD IDEA.

ANY SUGGESTIONS?

WELL, THERE'S RENE FROM THE CAFE.

AH, THE FELLOW WHO ALMOST GOT

THE COLLABORATION MEDAL.

EXCELLENT, GRUBER.

DO YOU HAVE HIS CONFIDENCE?

WE DO HOBNOB FROM TIME TO TIME.

REALLY?

CONTACT HIM IMMEDIATELY.

- HEIL HITLER. - HEIL HITLER.

HEIL MUSSOLINI.

DON'T BE SILLY.

( laughing )

VON KINKYHOFFEN.

IT'S A WONDERFUL LIKENESS.

REGARDING THE POSTER,

ANYONE CAUGHT LAUGHING AT IT

WILL BE SHOT.

WHEN HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ME

IN SUSPENDERS WITH A SPIKED HELMET?

I THINK THE LAST TIME WAS AT THE STAFF COLLEGE DANCE.

YOUR HEALTH AND EFFICIENCY MAGAZINE

HAS JUST ARRIVED, HERR FLICK.

A SPECIAL ISSUE WITH A CENTERFOLD PULLOUT

OF A RHINE MAIDEN UNADORNED.

SHALL I PULL IT OUT, HERR FLICK?

YOU WILL PULL IT OUT

AT YOUR PERIL, VON SMALLHAUSEN.

ONLY SENIOR GESTAPO OFFICERS

WITH IRON CONTROL

ARE ALLOWED TO GAZE

AT UNADORNED RHINE MAIDENS.

EXTREMELY AVERAGE.

NEVERTHELESS,

I MUST TELEPHONE

FOR THE RHINE MAIDEN CALENDAR.

SHE WILL BE BIGGER IN THAT.

I CAN HEAR NOTHING.

WE ARE SEVERED FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD.

THAT IS BECAUSE WE HAVE NOT PAID THE BILL,

AND THE PETTY CASH BOX IS EMPTY.

HOW CAN THIS BE?

I THINK YOU TOOK THE LAST OF IT

TO BUY THAT SILK UNDERWEAR FOR HELGA, HERR FLICK.

YOU WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT THAT.

MY LIPS ARE SEALED, I PROMISE.

WE MUST RING BERLIN AND ASK MY GODFATHER,

HEINRICH HIMMLER,

TO SEND MORE MONEY IMMEDIATELY.

BUT HOW CAN YOU RING HIM IF THE PHONE IS CUT OFF?

WE SHALL USE OUR SPECIAL GESTAPO

PHONE TAPPING EQUIPMENT IN THIS CUPBOARD,

AND TAP INTO THE LINE OUTSIDE THE VILLAGE.

YOU HAVE AN ANSWER FOR EVERYTHING, HERR FLICK.

OF COURSE.

IT WAS NOT POSSIBLY A GOOD IDEA

TO BUY HELGA THAT SILK UNDERWEAR,

HERR FLICK.

RAYON WOULD HAVE BEEN CHEAPER.

YOU SAID YOUR LIPS WERE SEALED.

YOU HAVE BROKEN YOUR PROMISE.

PASS THE FIRST AID BOX.

COMPRESS YOUR MOUTH.

STEP FORWARD.

THERE.

THAT WILL TEACH YOU TO KEEP YOUR WORD.

DO NOT REMOVE IT, UNDERSTAND?

( mumbles )

I SAID, "DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"

YES, HERR FLICK.

DO NOT REMOVE IT. REPLASTER YOURSELF.

THAT IS BETTER.

NOW, RENE, THOSE ARE MY ORDERS.

HOW DO YOU FEEL

ABOUT RUNNING A NEWSPAPER?

WORRIED, WHICH IS NOT UNUSUAL.

MIMI, MORE WINE.

WHEN I WAS YOUNG,

I WAS A REPORTER ON A PAPER.

I COULD GIVE HIM VALUABLE ASSISTANCE.

AH, NOW THAT IS A GOOD IDEA.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE THE EDITOR?

NO, NO, RENE, IT IS YOUR JOB,

I INSIST.

NOW, WE HAVE TO DECIDE

WHAT WE ARE GOING TO PUT IN THE PAPER.

OF COURSE, THE MAIN STORY

IS HOW WE ARE WINNING THE WAR.

WHAT A LOAD OF COBBLERS.

I AM NOT FAMILIAR WITH THIS EXPRESSION.

SHE AGREES, BUT WITH SLIGHT RESERVATIONS.

NOW, TO BE A GOOD EDITOR,

ONE MUST NEVER LET THE FACTS

GET IN THE WAY OF A GOOD STORY.

I NEVER DID.

NATURALLY, THERE WILL BE AN ARTICLE

ON MEMBERS OF THE GARRISON,

TO GIVE THEM A HUMAN FACE.

I HAVE SOME PICTURES HERE BY CHANCE

ON MY PERSON.

THIS IS ME BEFORE THE WAR.

OH. EH?

OH, WHAT A PRETTY LITTLE BOY.

AND WHAT SMART HIKING SHORTS.

AND THIS IS MY FATHER,

HE WAS VERY KEEN ON CAMPING.

WELL, YOU CERTAINLY TAKE AFTER HIM.

THEN, WHEN I WAS OLDER,

I BECAME AN APPRENTICE WINDOW DRESSER.

THIS IS MY FIRST WINDOW.

AH, HOW APPROPRIATE-- CAMPING EQUIPMENT.

THEN THE WAR CAME,

AND SUDDENLY I WAS ON THE RUSSIAN FRONT.

IN THE SNOW, CAMPING.

WHAT A VARIED LIFE YOU HAVE LED.

YES, INDEED.

WELL, I WILL MAKE SURE

YOU GET A NICE WRITE UP, LIEUTENANT.

I KNEW THAT I COULD RELY ON YOU.

NOW, GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN

INSISTS THAT WE SHOW HOW HAPPY THE FRENCH ARE

UNDER GERMAN RULE.

ANY SUGGESTIONS?

WE COULD TAKE A PHOTO OF YOU AND RENE

SOCIALIZING.

I CANNOT PUT MYSELF IN THE PAPER.

HOW ABOUT A PHOTOGRAPH

OF NOUVION'S HAPPIEST MARRIED COUPLE?

BUT RENE DOES NOT WANT TO BE IN THE PAPER.

Alphonse: NO, NO, NO, NO.

I WAS REFERRING TO MADAME FANNY

AND MONSIEUR LECLERC,

OUR HAPPIEST HONEYMOONERS.

WHAT A WONDERFUL IDEA.

MAMMA WILL BE DELIGHTED TO BE IN THE NEWS.

I WILL GO UPSTAIRS AND MAKE HER BEAUTIFUL.

WE CANNOT HOLD THE FRONT PAGE FOREVER, EDITH.

NOW THAT WE THREE MEN ARE ALONE,

SHOULD WE NOT, PERHAPS,

DISCUSS THE QUESTION

OF A LIGHTLY CLAD YOUNG LADY

IN BETWEEN PAGES TWO AND FOUR?

WHAT PURPOSE WOULD THAT SERVE?

WHEN I WAS A YOUNG REPORTER,

KNOWN AS "FLASHBULB ALPHONSE,"

IT WAS CUSTOMARY TO HAVE A PHOTOGRAPH

OF A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG LADY IN THE PAPER

TO KEEP INTEREST GOING.

NOT IN THE PAPERS I READ.

I HAVE HERE

A FEW PHOTOGRAPHS

OF PREVIOUS...

...BEAUTY QUEENS OF NOUVION.

THEY STILL HAVE THEIR ORIGINAL CAPTIONS.

MISS TOP OF THE MILK, 1918.

THE NOUVION FIREMAN'S DAUGHTER

WHO SENDS TEMPERATURES SOARING.

SHE APPEARS TO BE A DAB HAND WITH A HOSE PIPE.

YOU CANNOT PUT PICTURES LIKE THIS

IN THE PAPER, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.

APART FROM WHICH, BY NOW, THE MILK WILL HAVE CURDLED.

I THINK, LIEUTENANT,

THAT IF WE ARE GOING TO HAVE PICTURES,

IT SHOULD BE THE HONEYMOON COUPLE

AND THE COLONEL ON PAGE THREE.

AS ALWAYS, RENE,

YOU HAVE IMPECCABLE TASTE.

I FEEL THE INTEGRITY OF THIS NEWSPAPER

IS ASSURED

WITH YOUR HAND ON THE TILLER.

THANK YOU, LIEUTENANT.

I MUST GO AND TELL THE COLONEL

OF OUR PROGRESS.

THESE PROPAGANDA PAMPHLETS

WILL GIVE YOU A GOOD IDEA

OF HOW THE WAR IS GOING.

AS YOU SAID, LIEUTENANT,

WE MUST NOT LET FACTS

GET IN THE WAY OF A GOOD STORY.

QUITE.

PSST, RENE.

I MUST HAVE A WORD WITH YOU.

WHAT?

I HAVE HEARD THAT THE GERMANS

HAVE REOPENED THE LOCAL NEWSPAPER WITH YOU AS EDITOR.

WHEN DID YOU HEAR THIS?

WHEN I WAS STANDING BEHIND THE DOOR.

THIS IS TRUE,

BUT LIEUTENANT GRUBER IS REALLY IN CHARGE.

BUT IT WAS SO CLEVER OF YOU TO AGREE TO HELP.

NOW THAT THE PRESSES ARE ABOUT TO ROLL,

WE CAN USE THEM TO PRINT A SECRET

UNDERGROUND NEWSPAPER FOR THE RESISTANCE,

CALLING ON ALL FRANCE TO STAND UP TO THE AGGRESSORS.

ARE YOU MAD? YOU WILL GET US ALL SHOT.

MONSIEUR,

YOU ARE IN GREAT DANGER

OF RECEIVING THE WHITE FEATHER.

SEND AS MANY AS YOU LIKE,

MY PILLOW CAN ALWAYS USE THEM.

LOOK, I WOULD LIKE TO HELP,

BUT I CANNOT ENDANGER THE WOMAN I LOVE.

NOT TO MENTION HIS WIFE.

IF YOU DO NOT HELP US,

I WILL PUT A POSTER IN THE TOWN SQUARE

SAYING YOU ARE A COLLABORATOR.

WHEN DO I START?

AS SOON AS I CAN GET MY GIRLS TOGETHER.

AH, SO THIS IS WHAT YOU MEN GET UP TO

WHEN YOU ARE ALONE.

THEY ARE JUST OLD PIN-UPS.

DISGUSTING.

I HAVE MUCH BETTER LEGS THAN ANY OF THEM.

WELL, WE WILL TAKE YOUR WORD FOR THAT.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO.

NOW, LOOK VERY CAREFULLY,

I SHALL SHOW THESE ONLY ONCE.

OH, MY DICKY TICKER.

NOW LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.

HUH?

ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY YOU WANT YOUR PILLS?

NO,

MY CAMERA.

I HOPE THEY WILL PUT A STOCKING OVER THE LENS

TO MAKE ERNEST LOOK A BIT YOUNGER.

I DO NOT WANT PEOPLE TO THINK

I AM MARRIED TO AN OLD MAN.

OH, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE WILL MAKE YOU LOOK

YOUNG AND RADIANT, MAMMA.

A REMARKABLE CAMERA, INDEED.

WELL, MADAME,

I WOULD LIKE YOU AND MONSIEUR LECLERC

ARMS ENTWINED,

SITTING AT THE TABLE,

HAVING A DRINK.

WHERE IS THE DRINK?

ON THE TABLE.

QUICK, COME ON, HURRY UP,

BEFORE THE SUN GOES IN.

WELL, UNCORK IT.

THE CHAMPAGNE IS ONLY FOR SHOW.

I AM NOT OPENING A WHOLE BOTTLE

FOR TWO DRINKS.

NO PLONK, NO PICTURE.

OH, VERY WELL.

AH, GOOD MORNING, RENE.

GOOD MORNING, LIEUTENANT GRUBER.

WHAT A CHARMING COUPLE THEY MAKE.

YOU CAN SEE THE AFFECTION IN THEIR EYES.

OH, RENE,

DOES THIS NOT REMIND YOU

OF OUR HONEYMOON?

WELL, YOU DID LOOK A BIT YOUNGER.

WHERE DO YOU WANT ME TO SIT?

I THINK NEXT TO MADAME FANNY.

EXCELLENT.

IT WILL MAKE A VERY GOOD PHOTOGRAPH.

GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN WILL BE PLEASED.

EDITH.

WHY IS THIS FAT KRAUT SITTING AT OUR TABLE?

NOW THEN, MAMMA,

WE ARE TAKING A PICTURE OF THE COLONEL

ENJOYING A DRINK WITH THE HAPPIEST

HONEYMOON COUPLE IN NOUVION,

IT IS FOR THE PAPER.

I DO NOT DRINK WITH THE GERMANS.

I SPIT ON THEM.

( spits )

THAT WENT ON MY TIE,

YOU SILLY OLD BAT.

DON'T OLD BAT ME,

YOU DODDERING OLD DUFFER.

I HAVE NOT GLUED DOWN MY HAIR

AND DRESSED IN THIS NATTY STYLE

TO BE INSULTED BY A WOMAN

NEARLY OLD ENOUGH TO BE MY MOTHER.

OH, HOW DARE YOU?

WHAT KIND OF HUSBAND ARE YOU?

I AM THE KIND OF HUSBAND THAT DEMANDS A DIVORCE.

GOOD DAY.

AND YOU CAN HAVE ONE.

EDITH, GIRLS,

TAKE HER BACK TO HER ROOM.

JUST A TYPICAL NEWLYWED'S TIFF, COLONEL.

IN A FEW MONTHS,

THEY WILL FORGET ALL ABOUT IT.

I THINK WE'LL HAVE TO LOOK ELSEWHERE

FOR OUR PERFECT HONEYMOON COUPLE, GRUBER.

I COULD HAVE A PICTURE TAKEN WITH RENE,

JUST FOR MY ALBUM.

I AM NOT SMART ENOUGH.

WATCH THE BIRDIE.

( car horn honks )

Helga: GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN!

GOOD, JUST THE FELLOWS I WANT TO SEE.

I HAVE DECIDED WE MUST SHOW

THE HUMAN FACE OF THE GERMAN ARMY.

TO THIS END, WE WILL BE PHOTOGRAPHED

RELAXING AND ENJOYING A HEALTHY OUTDOOR LIFE

WITH THE PEASANTS.

WHAT EXACTLY DID YOU HAVE IN MIND, GENERAL?

AN INFORMAL PICNIC IN THE COUNTRYSIDE,

CAPTURED ON FILM

WITH THE PRETTY GIRLS FROM THE VILLAGE

JOKING AND LAUGHING AT OUR WITTY REMARKS.

WHAT FUN.

BUT FIRST, TO PROVE HOW FIT THE MASTER RACE IS,

THERE WILL BE A 10 KILOMETER HIKE

FOR ALL OFFICERS BELOW THE RANK OF GENERAL.

YOU PEASANTS WILL ORGANIZE THE FOOD AND THE DRINK

AND YOUR TWO PRETTY WAITRESSES.

THANK YOU, GENERAL.

BY THE WAY,

WHO'S PAYING FOR THIS JOLLY PICNIC?

THE GERMANS WILL PAY OF COURSE!

YOU WILL PRESENT YOUR BILL AFTER WE HAVE EATEN.

GENERAL, HOW LONG DO WE HAVE

TO GET FIT FOR THIS HIKE?

UNTIL 3:00 THIS AFTERNOON.

HEIL HITLER.

All: HEIL HITLER.

AFTER THIS HIKE WE WON'T NEED

PROFILES IN THE PRESS,

WE'LL NEED OBITUARIES.

General: FASTER!

YOU'RE ALL OUT OF CONDITION.

EXCEPT ME.

General: PULL IN OVER THERE.

BY THAT OPENING.

HEY, LOOK AT ME,

I'M AS FIT AS A FLEA.

IN THAT CASE,

YOU CAN RUN AROUND THAT BIG FIELD

FIVE TIMES BACKWARDS.

WHAT A MISTAKE TO MAKE.

WE WILL HAVE THE PICNIC AND THE PHOTOGRAPHS

BY THE BIG HAYSTACK IN THE NEXT FIELD.

FOLLOW ME.

WHY DO I HAVE TO GO FIRST,

HERR FLICK?

BECAUSE YOU ARE A JUNIOR MEMBER

OF THE GESTAPO.

IF ANYTHING UNTOWARD HAPPENS,

YOU ARE EXPENDABLE.

HOW DO I GET UP THERE?

IT IS VERY HIGH.

YOU MOVE THE LEATHER STRAP UP THE POLE,

AND WALK UP USING YOUR SPECIAL GESTAPO

TELEGRAPH POLE CLIMBING BOOTS.

SOMETIMES YOU ARE VERY SIMPLE,

VON SMALLHAUSEN.

WHEN YOU GET TO THE TOP,

DROP THE ROPE AND PULL ME UP.

AND WHAT IF I FALL BEFORE I GET THERE?

MAKE SURE YOU DO NOT LAND ON ME.

I AM NOT EXPENDABLE.

IT MUST BE A JOLLY PHOTOGRAPH

OF HAPPY COLLABORATION.

- SEE? - AH.

- OH! - OH!

OH, WHAT A THRILL.

GROPED BY AN ITAI.

CAPTAIN BERTORELLI, CONTROL YOURSELF.

YOU TWO PEASANT GIRLS, COME AND SIT HERE BY ME.

YOU'LL BE SAFER.

I SIT DOWN NEXT TO YOU, HEH HEH.

( kissing sounds )

HELGA, YOU COME AND SIT BY ME.

IT LOOKS GOOD TO SHOW GERMAN OFFICERS

BEING FRIENDLY WITH THEIR PRIVATES.

OOH!

THE CAMERA IS READY, GENERAL.

I HAVE BROUGHT THREE PLATES IN CASE OF ANY ERROR.

PERHAPS YOU COULD ALL SHOW A LITTLE MORE LEG?

NOT YOU, GRUBER.

AND YOU TWO,

LOOK AS THOUGH YOU ARE SERVING US.

OH, YES.

COME ON, PEASANTS, ENJOY YOURSELVES!

YES, OF COURSE, GENERAL.

JUST HOLD IT THERE.

NOW, WHEN I GIGGLE, EVERYBODY GIGGLES.

( giggles )

AAH!

General: IDIOT, PEASANT! LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.

Edith: I AM SORRY, GENERAL.

HERE, LET ME WIPE IT OFF.

NO, GIVE IT TO ME.

NO, NO! I WILL DO IT.

ONE PLATE FOR THE BIN.

General: THERE, IT'S DONE.

NOW, EVERYBODY BACK IN POSITION.

WE CANNOT AFFORD TO WASTE PHOTOGRAPHS LIKE THIS.

NOW, WHEN I SMILE, EVERYBODY SMILES.

READY.

AH! THE PLACE IS CRAWLING WITH ANTS.

( women screaming )

SOME OF THEM HAVE MARCHED UP MY SHORTS.

General: STOP! THIS IS NOT THE PHOTOGRAPH I WANT.

DAMN.

Smallhausen: YES, PLEASE CONNECT ME

AS SOON AS YOU CAN, THANK YOU.

IT DOES NOT FEEL VERY SAFE UP HERE, HERR FLICK.

DO NOT BE A NINNY, VON SMALLHAUSEN.

HAVE YOU GOT MY NUMBER YET?

THE OPERATOR IS CONNECTING ME NOW TO BERLIN.

( phone rings )

- UNCLE HEINIE? - ( pole creaks )

HELLO.

THIS IS YOUR GODSON OTTO.

NO, I AM NOT IN MY OFFICE.

I AM, STRANGELY ENOUGH,

OVERLOOKING A LARGE HAYSTACK.

LISTEN, WE NEED MORE--

AAAAH!

( splatter )

General: THE GESTAPO HAVE RUINED OUR PICNIC.

NOT TO MENTION THE PICTURE.

YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS, HERR FLICK.

YOU HAVE JUST MADE A VERY BAD CAREER MOVE.

IT IS NOT OUR FAULT WE HAVE POOPED A PICNIC.

IT IS TIME TO WITHDRAW.

WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?

I'M SPEAKING TO YOU.

THIS IS NOT OUR LUCKY DAY, VON SMALLHAUSEN.

RUN AFTER THEM, AND BRING THEM BACK.

- RENE? - UH?

SHOULD WE GIVE THEM THE BILL NOW?

THAT WOULD NOT BE A GOOD IDEA.

WE WILL PUT IT ON THE ACCOUNT.

( theme music playing )