Original subtitles

"melissa & joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

Ugh! I just received

The most massively inappropriate text from zander.

Yeah, I don't wanna hear it and I don't wanna see it.

"thinking of you. Smiley face."

How is that text inappropriate? What, is his smiley face naked?

No. We're broken up, okay?

And he shouldn't be sending things like this.

And you should be indignant for me.

How dare he.

Why can't he just be a jerk like every other ex-boyfriend?

Okay, out of my way!

Late city councilwoman coming through!

Okay, bye-bye. Love everybody.

- Hey, don't forget your coffee. - No, no time for coffee.

Oh, why can't they just make a damn caffeine patch?

Yeah, I know. Or like a cup with maybe like a lid?

Patch would be easier. You just slap it on,

And you're buzzed for a week.

You're forgetting something else, too.

No, I have underwear on.

It's just seamless. Feel.

That's very nice. That's very nice.

I'm talking about the dress you're gonna be wearing

To the press association dinner tonight.

I picked it up for you at the dry cleaner's.

Oh, the press dinner's tonight.

- Thanks for reminding me. - Yeah, it's gonna be your first opportunity

To show off your new longo-brand arm candy in public.

It's gonna be a pretty sweet moment for you.

Sounds like you'd rather be taking yourself to this dinner tonight.

Please, if I was dating me, we'd never make it out the front door.

( theme music playing )

- ♪ it's all good - ♪ all good

- ♪ it's okay - ♪ okay

- ♪ it's all right - ♪ all right

♪ as far as I can see

- ♪ it's all good - ♪ all good

- ♪ it's okay - ♪ okay

- ♪ it's all right - ♪ all right

♪ I guess you're stuck

♪ with me.

Well, I'm glad mr. Leeman put us together.

You're not like those other guys who get all weird around me.

No, I'm pretty much just weird all the time,

So it doesn't really stand out.

Oh. Well, whatever you're doing works for you.

( laughs ) I should get home.

I'll see you in class tomorrow?

Yeah yeah, I'll grab us a table by the eye-wash station.

Those seats go fast.

You know, I'm starting to see the weirdness.

( both chuckle )

- ( door closes ) - she likes you.

What?

No, she-- she's my lab partner.

No no no. She gave you the shoulder brush.

- She likes you. - What do you mean?

When she walked out the door,

She gave you the shoulder brush.

She was marking you, buddy.

"this one's mine."

Joe, you seriously think that?

I'm just not making this stuff up, pal.

A girl gave me the shoulder brush once--

We didn't come out of her apartment for three days.

Was it snowing or something?

Oh! Oh.

So you going to ask her out?

Uh, no. That's not going to happen.

She's-- she's got a lot of stuff going on in her life.

- In fact, she's actually... - I'm hearing a lot of excuses.

The question is: If you could, would you go out with her?

Sure, but I don't think it would work.

If you really want to, you can make it work.

But, joe, I don't think you're hearing me.

What I was trying to say is that--

Dude, here comes another excuse.

Shoulder brush-- boom. Case closed.

You know what-- you're right.

I will ask her out. Well, thanks, joe.

Just consider it a public service.

I just gave you a free scholarship, buddy,

To the longo institute of lady-loving.

Don't tell your aunt that's what I call that college.

Yeah, understood.

And this is my boyfriend, joe longo.

Hello. Hi.

He's a waiter.

I like showing you off. Can't I be proud?

She's right to be proud.

Having a good-looking piece of man meat on your arm

Never hurt a campaign.

Oh, sorry to call you "man meat."

You're just calling it how you see it.

Joe, you know janey.

Absolutely. That's a smart move.

She's got excellent taste in...

In man meat.

Actually, I'm a pescatarian.

Can I get you ladies something from the bar?

Oh, no drinking for me. This is a work event.

Put it in a water glass, keep it clear.

She's good.

Stealth martini, coming right up.

Hey, mel, heads up. That reporter from "the herald,"

Okay, you're going to have to be more specific.

Kind of garlicky smelling...

No no no. Do you have a name?

Bill nitski.

He's going to ask you about bellflower concert hall.

The historical society's making another run

To save that precious dump.

But the developers want to tear it down.

- So what you need to do is-- - make everybody think

No sweat. Not my first time at the butt-kissing rodeo.

( laughs )

People ask me about mel burke,

So I gotta ask you the big question--

Let me guess. Who am I wearing?

I'd rather know what you're hiding.

What's your opinion on bellflower hall?

Well, bill, you know, people are passionate

On both sides of this complicated issue.

I'm not playing dodgeball, burke.

Tear down the concert hall-- yes or no?

Look, until we hear from the mayor's commission,

Can anyone really say what should be done?

I can.

Knock that old heap off the map.

Give me a sledgehammer in five minutes.

- I'll do it myself. - And you are?

Oh, I'm joe longo. I'm mel's boyfriend.

I'm just saying anyone with half a brain

Can realize that rickety old heap

Is just begging to be put out of its misery.

You know, it's like a tumor-riddled dog,

Just looking towards death.

I mean, sure, everybody loves fido,

But at some point you gotta say,

"fido, there's a frisbee in heaven with your name on it.

( chuckling )

You know, one thing about joe--

He is sure handsome, isn't he?

Thank you for inviting joe, mel.

Talking to someone like joe

Makes my job a lot easier.

Seems like a nice fella.

Anyone else you want me to talk to?

I can really talk about anything.

The middle east, religion...

I'm gonna go do damage control.

( sighs )

Why couldn't you date a cute guy

Who doesn't say anything?

I mean, they're everywhere!

Damage control? For what?

- ( inhales ) - hmm.

That's a new look on you.

You're almost smiling, but your...

Your eyes are very angry.

Listen to the eyes, joe.

Okay, these are the three latest "cassandra" stories

For the web series.

Thanks for printing them out.

It's a 12-hour drive to vermont,

So this will give me something to read

While my dad's yelling at talk radio.

Reading on the road? Don't get carsick.

Aw, thanks. You still care about me.

No, I just don't want you blowing chunks

All over my beautiful stories.

Less sweet, but okay.

Well, here we are,

Two exes...

One of them going away to college

For months and months.

It's the big goodbye.

I don't know what to say.

How about "goodbye"?

Goodbye, yeah-- that's why you're the writer.

You're so good with words.

Goodbye, lennox.

Goodbye, zander.

Goodbye, lennox.

You just said that.

Right.

All right, see you.

What was that all about?

You know, he's just having difficulty

Accepting that we're not a couple anymore.

But we're gonna be hundreds of miles away from each other.

So this is for the best.

It's time he just lets go and starts dating other guys.

- Guys? - Girls.

Of course girls.

If I said "guys," I'd be talking about someone else,

And I'm not. Can we just drop it?

Okay.

I mean, you saw him.

He was trying to sneak in one last kiss

Before he left.

It's over, pal.

Who are you arguing with?

Trust me-- if zander and I tried

To have a long-distance relationship,

And who would want a relationship like that?

I can't take you anywhere!

Oh, please, I was doing you a favor.

I just said what everybody else was thinking.

Oh, you know what I'm thinking-- why did I bring you to that event?

Oh, I made you look good. I'm an asset.

It's pronounced "ass hat."

What did I do that was so wrong?

The truth is taking a stand on this issue right now

Could end my state senate campaign before it even begins.

I understand how important votes are in your business.

But even you yourself said that concert hall is about to fall down.

So is my mom's face, but I'm not gonna yank it off myself.

It's not just ugly, all right, it's a hazard.

That's my mother you're talking about.

Oh. The concert hall.

Or in your words--

Fido, the sad, old tumor dog.

Joe, what you say at these events reflects on me.

Yeah, well, one half of us gets to speak

- And the other half doesn't. - Exactly!

And just like the president.

The first lady doesn't chime in on foreign policy.

She just shakes hands and stares lovingly

At her wise, powerful spouse.

So I'm michelle obama.

People love her.

Be loved, joe.

Be silent and loved.

You just don't want me to be me.

Only in public.

When no one's around, you can be you all you like.

Joe it all up in here.

From now on, I'll make sure I close all the drapes.

That way none of the neighbors will have to see the real me.

Please, joe.

If the neighbors are peeking in the window,

They're definitely looking at me.

I just said what I was thinking.

It had nothing to do with mel.

Mm, this from "the toledo herald"--

"well, if mel burke's boyfriend speaks for her,

The city has no intention

Perhaps, in the future, if we want to know

What the waffling councilwoman thinks,

We should just talk to her fearlessly opinionated date."

You gonna blame that on me?

You think a denver omelet will help smooth things over with your aunt?

You sure as hell better not make her a waffle.

Morning, lennox.

You.

You're up early.

Yeah, well, my phone started ringing at 5:00 this morning.

Now I have an emergency meeting

With the historical society to calm them down.

Oh, and then I have sensitivity training

They want me to spend the afternoon at a dog hospice.

It's gonna be a great day.

Mel...

I'm sorry.

All right? I get it now.

There's a time and a place for my opinions

So I should just learn to keep my mouth shut

At your work functions, and from now on,

That's exactly what I'm going to do.

- You really mean that? - Yes, I do.

In fact, I've even been working on my admiring

And loving first-lady gaze.

It's a lot harder than it looks.

Well, I think you'd make a great first lady.

I'm sorry.

You're probably weirded out by all this first-lady talk.

- Let me explain. - No no no.

Whatever you two need to keep it fresh.

I don't know.

I think, according to my calculations,

The data all points to us getting coffee together.

- What? - What?

Sorry, that was out of line.

The data all points to us getting...

- ( sighs ) - frozen yogurt, maybe?

You're very sweet,

But I have so much going on right now

And it would just make things complicated.

Stella, all I'm hearing are excuses here.

I think we can make this work if we really want to.

You really think you can handle

Going out with someone like me?

Honestly, I'm scared out of my mind.

But... I'm happy to go down trying.

Well, we do have chemistry.

Do you mean the class

Or do you actually kind of like me?

What do you think?

Right. ( chuckles )

( clears throat )

No, seriously, though. Which one?

I want to make sure.

( chuckles )

Lennox, could you take this to the dry cleaner for me?

I have the policeman's ball this Thursday.

( gasps ) oh, wow.

Aunt mel, this is beautiful.

You and joe are going to be the most epic couple there.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yeah. He's not going.

Oh, so I'm taking the dress to the dry cleaner's

Because joe's not supposed to know about any of this.

I didn't say that, but yes.

But he promised he'd be quiet from now on.

Look, I love joe, but I know joe.

Sure, he thinks he can keep his mouth shut.

He also thinks his shirts are never too tight.

Someone will ask him about an issue,

And he'll try his best to hold it in,

- But in the end-- - he'll blow like a volcano.

Big time.

And the verbal lava will destroy

The tiny town of me-ville.

So I've decided to go to the ball by myself.

In the best interest of my relationship.

And the best interest of your career.

Everybody wins. Me twice.

Yeah, but won't joe kind of notice

That you went to the ball without him?

But luckily he has plans that night

Doing something he absolutely loves.

- Oh, what's that? - I don't know yet.

But I'm working on it.

Dude-- I told you before, man.

If you want that thing to make toast,

You gotta put bread in it.

No, I was just checking my eyebrows for strays.

'cause I got a date tonight with stella,

And I want everything to be perfect.

Nice! All right. Where are you going to take her?

A fancy restaurant, the movies, what?

The living room.

Ladies, they love a big spender.

No, actually, she wanted to come over here.

She said it'd be cozier.

Look at you!

Getting yourself a romantic evening

Without having to shell out a dime.

Maybe I could learn a lesson from you.

No, who am I kidding?

Hello, my men.

Hey! Good news here.

Young squire just secured himself a date

With his study partner stella.

- Thanks to who? - You, joe.

There it is.

Wow, nice work.

You should do something about all that nose hair up there.

Oh, god, it's like a rain forest up there.

So you're teaching the kid some moves?

Yeah! Well, you know, last year I helped him

Bring up his grades.

And this year I'm helping him to bring up his--

I got him a date.

Well, you're a good guy, joe.

And you know what we get good guys?

A great seat at the mud hens game tonight.

What? These are right behind the dugout.

Mel, that's awesome.

It's just one ticket, though.

I can't leave you here all by yourself.

Yes, you can. That's the point.

Because I have this boring work thing tonight.

Just boring police department-- boring.

So at least one of us will have fun tonight.

You better get going, though,

Yeah, I'm just gonna take a quick pee.

( stammers ) just go at the stadium.

Urinals are so much more fun than boring old toilets.

You're not wrong.

- Hey. - Hey.

What's up with you?

Oh, your aunt got me this awesome seat

For tonight's mud hens game,

And I forgot my lucky number one foam finger.

I'm not saying it's responsible for all their victories,

But, you know...

When I bring it, they win.

Lennox, ryder! I'm leaving!

If joe gets back before me, just--

Tell him I love him with all of my heart.

You.

It's not what you think.

So I think you sent me to a baseball game tonight

So you could ditch me.

So you can go to your fancy party.

( scoffs ) where'd you get a crazy idea like that?

Let's see here--

"you are cordially invited to the 41st annual

Toledo policeman's ball-- mel burke plus one."

So you didn't believe me when I told you

I was going to keep my mouth shut.

You're embarrassed to be seen with me.

No, I love being seen with you.

Always. Well, 95% of the time.

Which is a super-high number.

So you're only embarrassed to be seen with me

- 5% of the time? - Which is great!

Because before you, my best boyfriends

Were like 20-30% embarrassing.

That's 100% not helping.

Joe, I was wrong to try to sneak out.

Please come to the ball with me.

No, forget it.

I'm going to go to my pity game tonight.

It's muzzle night.

First 500 boyfriends get a free mouth gag.

If you change real quick, we can go together.

The policeman ball is always a hoot.

Drunk cops, handcuffs, anything can happen.

No, thanks, but I know how important it is for you to be there.

Plus you'll fit right in....

With all the other politicians

Who talk out of both sides of their mouths.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to my game with my dignity intact.

So...

( doorbell rings )

It's for me, it's for me.

It's for you.

Oh, zander.

Please, look, you can't get to art school

Through my house.

I'm actually on my way.

My dad was driving me out of town

But I told him he had to stop.

I've been milking this long goodbye just to see you.

I'm going to miss you.

This is it. I'm really going now.

So... Goodbye, lennox.

Okay, fine.

That's it? No kiss?

I thought you didn't want him to kiss you.

I didn't want him to kiss me.

But I wanted him to want to kiss me.

Obviously.

So are you extra girl weird

Or just average girl weird?

You stink, molina!

Why don't you take a cab to first base?

I've seen faster legs on an armchair, molina.

- Good one. - Thanks, man.

- You liked that one? - Yeah.

I got this great heckling app on my phone.

I just plug it in and it keeps 'em coming.

- It's really cool. - Pardon me.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Sorry, excuse me.

High heels. Don't touch the merchandise.

Excuse me, could you guys maybe move down?

Thank you. Um, hey!

Is this seat taken?

What are you doing here?

Why aren't you at your fancy party?

Well, that reporter from "the herald"

Asked me, "how come you're not with

Your loudmouthed, opinionated boyfriend tonight?"

And I thought, "yeah. How come I'm not with

My loudmouthed, opinionated boyfriend tonight?"

So here I am.

That was very close to sweet.

I try. And I'll be trying harder.

- I should trust you. - You really should trust me on that.

At least 95% of the time.

- That's a super-high number. - It really is.

Well, I appreciate you coming to the game

And ditching the policeman's ball.

You know what hurt the most?

Leaving before they gave out the swag.

Policemen have the best stuff.

Last year they gave out breathalyzer key chains.

Use it every day.

Oh-- go go. Go go go go go!

Ah...

Wow, what a catch!

Well, yeah, but did you see how high that guy jumped?

Way to go, cyclones!

- Hey. - Yeah!

Mel, might want to take it down a notch, okay?

Yeah, this is mud hens territory, lady.

Yeah, but I think even a mud hens fan

Could appreciate a good play.

- Am I right? - ( all groan, mutter )

All right, all right. Hey hey hey!

Calm down, all right? Look--

She's new here, all right?

Clearly she's not as big a fan as we are.

She doesn't really know how these games work.

Doesn't know when to talk and when to shut up.

But I promise you-- give her a second chance,

Can we not show our guest here a little mud hen hospitality?

Can we, huh?

Apparently we can't.

It could have been worse.

It could have been a beer.

Don't get any ideas.

Ooh ooh, what have we got here?

- ( tv playing ) - joe: Look at that.

That's a teen romance in full blossom right there.

That's another longo institute success story.

- The longo what? - Nothing.

So should we give the kids their privacy?

No way! It's my house.

Are you sure--

What the hell?

That's a frickin' baby.

I can see it's a baby. Get in there.

- Oh, hey, guys. - Hey!

( chuckles ) sorry to interrupt.

Hey, ryder. What's going on?

Hey, guys, what's up?

We're just watching a movie.

Oh, I get it.

Look at this industrious young lady.

Babysitting while on a date.

Oh, yeah. I am a full-time babysitter.

This is stella's daughter, isabel.

Did you hear that? It's her daughter, isabel.

Yes, I heard. It's her daughter, isabel.

Uh-huh. Uh, ryder--

I thought you said that...

She had a lot going on.

Yeah, joe, you were totally right.

We can absolutely make this work if we want to.

Now if you don't mind,

I'm kind of trying to have a date here.

- Oh. - Oh, it's okay, ryder.

Isabel has to have her dinner first.

Oh, my gosh. She just started breastfeeding.

It's okay, joe.

It's completely natural.

Well, maybe it is time to go.

Me first!

How could you encourage this?

I didn't encourage this.

I didn't know she had a baby.

I thought he meant spanish club and yearbook.

Not mommy and me and breastfeeding.

This could totally ruin ryder's future.

He's already getting a "c" in algebra

With a baby, who knows what kind of terrible things could happen?

Maybe he'll get a better grade in biology.

- Hey. - Hey, stella.

Is it cool if I put it in the fridge for next time?

Yeah, of course.

There's always room in my fridge

For teen mom milk.

I am totally cool with this.

Just don't put it next to the half and half, all right?

I don't want to make any mistakes

When I'm making my coffee in the morning.

Got it. Oh, and thanks again

For being so understanding.

( sighs )

She seems pretty sweet.

Maybe this would be okay.

Okay? Really?

Ryder didn't know how to tie his shoes

Till he was 15.

How's he going to handle a relationship

With a girl who has a kid?

Holy crap!

Ryder has a baby before I do.

Not that it's a competition.