All language subtitles for Melissa.and.Joey.S03E21.Plus.One.720p.WEB.DL.DD5.1.H.264

"melissa & joey" is
recorded in front of
a live studio audience.

Ugh! I just received

The most massively
inappropriate text
from zander.

Yeah, I don't wanna hear it
and I don't wanna see it.

"thinking of you.
Smiley face."

How is that text inappropriate?
What, is his smiley face naked?

No. We're broken up, okay?

And he shouldn't be sending
things like this.

And you should be
indignant for me.

How dare he.

Why can't he just be a jerk
like every other ex-boyfriend?

Okay, out of my way!

Late city councilwoman
coming through!

Okay, bye-bye.
Love everybody.

- Hey, don't forget your coffee.
- No, no time for coffee.

Oh, why can't they just make
a damn caffeine patch?

Yeah, I know. Or like
a cup with maybe like a lid?

Patch would be easier.
You just slap it on,

And you're buzzed
for a week.

You're forgetting
something else, too.

No, I have underwear on.

It's just seamless.
Feel.

That's very nice.
That's very nice.

I'm talking about the dress
you're gonna be wearing

To the press association
dinner tonight.

I picked it up for you
at the dry cleaner's.

Oh, the press dinner's
tonight.

- Thanks for reminding me.
- Yeah, it's gonna be
your first opportunity

To show off
your new longo-brand
arm candy in public.

It's gonna be
a pretty sweet moment for you.

Sounds like you'd
rather be taking yourself
to this dinner tonight.

Please, if I was dating me,
we'd never make it
out the front door.

( theme music playing )

- ♪ it's all good
- ♪ all good

- ♪ it's okay
- ♪ okay

- ♪ it's all right
- ♪ all right

♪ as far as I can see

- ♪ it's all good
- ♪ all good

- ♪ it's okay
- ♪ okay

- ♪ it's all right
- ♪ all right

♪ I guess you're stuck

♪ with me.

Well, I'm glad mr. Leeman
put us together.

You're not like
those other guys who get
all weird around me.

No, I'm pretty much
just weird all the time,

So it doesn't really
stand out.

Oh. Well, whatever you're
doing works for you.

( laughs )
I should get home.

I'll see you
in class tomorrow?

Yeah yeah,
I'll grab us a table
by the eye-wash station.

Those seats go fast.

You know, I'm starting
to see the weirdness.

( both chuckle )

- ( door closes )
- she likes you.

What?

No, she--
she's my lab partner.

No no no.
She gave you the shoulder brush.

- She likes you.
- What do you mean?

When she walked
out the door,

She gave you
the shoulder brush.

She was marking you,
buddy.

"this one's mine."

Joe, you seriously
think that?

I'm just not making
this stuff up, pal.

A girl gave me
the shoulder brush once--

We didn't come out of
her apartment for three days.

Was it snowing or something?

Oh! Oh.

So you going
to ask her out?

Uh, no.
That's not going to happen.

She's-- she's got a lot
of stuff going on in her life.

- In fact, she's actually...
- I'm hearing a lot of excuses.

The question is: If you could,
would you go out with her?

Sure, but I don't
think it would work.

If you really want to,
you can make it work.

But, joe, I don't think
you're hearing me.

What I was trying to say
is that--

Dude, here comes
another excuse.

Shoulder brush-- boom.
Case closed.

You know what--
you're right.

I will ask her out.
Well, thanks, joe.

Just consider it
a public service.

I just gave you
a free scholarship, buddy,

To the longo institute
of lady-loving.

Don't tell your aunt that's
what I call that college.

Yeah, understood.

And this is my boyfriend,
joe longo.

Hello. Hi.

He's a waiter.

I like showing you off.
Can't I be proud?

She's right to be proud.

Having a good-looking piece
of man meat on your arm

Never hurt a campaign.

Oh, sorry to call you
"man meat."

You're just calling it
how you see it.

Joe, you know janey.

Absolutely.
That's a smart move.

She's got
excellent taste in...

In man meat.

Actually,
I'm a pescatarian.

Can I get you ladies
something from the bar?

Oh, no drinking for me.
This is a work event.

Put it in a water glass,
keep it clear.

She's good.

Stealth martini,
coming right up.

Hey, mel, heads up.
That reporter
from "the herald,"

Okay, you're going to have
to be more specific.

Kind of garlicky smelling...

No no no.
Do you have a name?

Bill nitski.

He's going to ask you about
bellflower concert hall.

The historical society's
making another run

To save that precious dump.

But the developers
want to tear it down.

- So what you need to do is--
- make everybody think

No sweat. Not my first time
at the butt-kissing rodeo.

( laughs )

People ask me
about mel burke,

So I gotta ask you
the big question--

Let me guess.
Who am I wearing?

I'd rather know
what you're hiding.

What's your opinion
on bellflower hall?

Well, bill, you know,
people are passionate

On both sides
of this complicated issue.

I'm not playing dodgeball,
burke.

Tear down the concert hall--
yes or no?

Look, until we hear
from the mayor's commission,

Can anyone really say
what should be done?

I can.

Knock that old heap
off the map.

Give me a sledgehammer
in five minutes.

- I'll do it myself.
- And you are?

Oh, I'm joe longo.
I'm mel's boyfriend.

I'm just saying anyone
with half a brain

Can realize
that rickety old heap

Is just begging to be
put out of its misery.

You know, it's like
a tumor-riddled dog,

Just looking towards death.

I mean, sure,
everybody loves fido,

But at some point
you gotta say,

"fido, there's a frisbee in
heaven with your name on it.

( chuckling )

You know,
one thing about joe--

He is sure handsome,
isn't he?

Thank you
for inviting joe, mel.

Talking
to someone like joe

Makes my job
a lot easier.

Seems like a nice fella.

Anyone else
you want me to talk to?

I can really talk
about anything.

The middle east,
religion...

I'm gonna go do
damage control.

( sighs )

Why couldn't you date
a cute guy

Who doesn't say anything?

I mean, they're everywhere!

Damage control?
For what?

- ( inhales )
- hmm.

That's a new look
on you.

You're almost smiling,
but your...

Your eyes are very angry.

Listen to the eyes, joe.

Okay, these are the three
latest "cassandra" stories

For the web series.

Thanks
for printing them out.

It's a 12-hour drive
to vermont,

So this will give me
something to read

While my dad's yelling
at talk radio.

Reading on the road?
Don't get carsick.

Aw, thanks.
You still care about me.

No, I just don't want
you blowing chunks

All over
my beautiful stories.

Less sweet, but okay.

Well, here we are,

Two exes...

One of them
going away to college

For months and months.

It's the big goodbye.

I don't know what to say.

How about "goodbye"?

Goodbye, yeah--
that's why you're the writer.

You're so good with words.

Goodbye, lennox.

Goodbye, zander.

Goodbye, lennox.

You just said that.

Right.

All right, see you.

What was that all about?

You know, he's just
having difficulty

Accepting that
we're not a couple anymore.

But we're gonna be hundreds
of miles away from each other.

So this is for the best.

It's time he just lets go
and starts dating other guys.

- Guys?
- Girls.

Of course girls.

If I said "guys," I'd be
talking about someone else,

And I'm not.
Can we just drop it?

Okay.

I mean, you saw him.

He was trying to sneak in
one last kiss

Before he left.

It's over, pal.

Who are you arguing with?

Trust me--
if zander and I tried

To have a long-distance
relationship,

And who would want
a relationship like that?

I can't take you anywhere!

Oh, please, I was
doing you a favor.

I just said what
everybody else was thinking.

Oh, you know what
I'm thinking-- why did I
bring you to that event?

Oh, I made you look good.
I'm an asset.

It's pronounced "ass hat."

What did I do
that was so wrong?

The truth is taking a stand
on this issue right now

Could end my state senate
campaign before it even begins.

I understand how important
votes are in your business.

But even you yourself
said that concert hall
is about to fall down.

So is my mom's face,
but I'm not gonna yank it
off myself.

It's not just ugly,
all right, it's a hazard.

That's my mother
you're talking about.

Oh. The concert hall.

Or in your words--

Fido, the sad,
old tumor dog.

Joe, what you say
at these events reflects on me.

Yeah, well, one half of us
gets to speak

- And the other half doesn't.
- Exactly!

And just like the president.

The first lady doesn't
chime in on foreign policy.

She just shakes hands
and stares lovingly

At her wise, powerful spouse.

So I'm michelle obama.

People love her.

Be loved, joe.

Be silent and loved.

You just don't
want me to be me.

Only in public.

When no one's around,
you can be you all you like.

Joe it all up in here.

From now on, I'll make sure
I close all the drapes.

That way none of the neighbors
will have to see the real me.

Please, joe.

If the neighbors
are peeking in the window,

They're definitely
looking at me.

I just said
what I was thinking.

It had nothing
to do with mel.

Mm, this from
"the toledo herald"--

"well, if mel burke's
boyfriend speaks for her,

The city
has no intention

Perhaps, in the future,
if we want to know

What the waffling
councilwoman thinks,

We should just talk to her
fearlessly opinionated date."

You gonna blame that
on me?

You think a denver omelet
will help smooth things over
with your aunt?

You sure as hell
better not make her a waffle.

Morning, lennox.

You.

You're up early.

Yeah, well,
my phone started ringing
at 5:00 this morning.

Now I have
an emergency meeting

With the historical society
to calm them down.

Oh, and then I have
sensitivity training

They want me
to spend the afternoon
at a dog hospice.

It's gonna be
a great day.

Mel...

I'm sorry.

All right?
I get it now.

There's a time and a place
for my opinions

So I should just learn
to keep my mouth shut

At your work functions,
and from now on,

That's exactly
what I'm going to do.

- You really mean that?
- Yes, I do.

In fact, I've even
been working on my admiring

And loving
first-lady gaze.

It's a lot harder
than it looks.

Well, I think you'd make
a great first lady.

I'm sorry.

You're probably weirded out
by all this first-lady talk.

- Let me explain.
- No no no.

Whatever you two need
to keep it fresh.

I don't know.

I think, according
to my calculations,

The data all points to us
getting coffee together.

- What?
- What?

Sorry, that was out of line.

The data all points
to us getting...

- ( sighs )
- frozen yogurt, maybe?

You're very sweet,

But I have so much
going on right now

And it would just
make things complicated.

Stella, all I'm hearing
are excuses here.

I think we can make this
work if we really want to.

You really think
you can handle

Going out
with someone like me?

Honestly, I'm scared
out of my mind.

But... I'm happy
to go down trying.

Well, we do have chemistry.

Do you mean the class

Or do you actually
kind of like me?

What do you think?

Right.
( chuckles )

( clears throat )

No, seriously, though.
Which one?

I want to make sure.

( chuckles )

Lennox, could you take this
to the dry cleaner for me?

I have the policeman's ball
this Thursday.

( gasps )
oh, wow.

Aunt mel,
this is beautiful.

You and joe are going to be
the most epic couple there.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yeah.
He's not going.

Oh, so I'm taking the dress
to the dry cleaner's

Because joe's not supposed
to know about any of this.

I didn't say that,
but yes.

But he promised
he'd be quiet from now on.

Look, I love joe,
but I know joe.

Sure, he thinks he can
keep his mouth shut.

He also thinks his shirts
are never too tight.

Someone will ask him
about an issue,

And he'll try his best
to hold it in,

- But in the end--
- he'll blow like a volcano.

Big time.

And the verbal lava
will destroy

The tiny town
of me-ville.

So I've decided to go
to the ball by myself.

In the best interest
of my relationship.

And the best interest
of your career.

Everybody wins.
Me twice.

Yeah, but won't joe
kind of notice

That you went
to the ball without him?

But luckily
he has plans that night

Doing something
he absolutely loves.

- Oh, what's that?
- I don't know yet.

But I'm working on it.

Dude-- I told you
before, man.

If you want that thing
to make toast,

You gotta
put bread in it.

No, I was just checking
my eyebrows for strays.

'cause I got a date
tonight with stella,

And I want everything
to be perfect.

Nice! All right.
Where are you going to take her?

A fancy restaurant,
the movies, what?

The living room.

Ladies,
they love a big spender.

No, actually, she wanted
to come over here.

She said it'd be cozier.

Look at you!

Getting yourself
a romantic evening

Without having
to shell out a dime.

Maybe I could learn
a lesson from you.

No, who am I kidding?

Hello, my men.

Hey! Good news here.

Young squire just secured
himself a date

With his study partner
stella.

- Thanks to who?
- You, joe.

There it is.

Wow, nice work.

You should do something about
all that nose hair up there.

Oh, god, it's like
a rain forest up there.

So you're teaching
the kid some moves?

Yeah! Well, you know,
last year I helped him

Bring up his grades.

And this year I'm helping
him to bring up his--

I got him a date.

Well,
you're a good guy, joe.

And you know what
we get good guys?

A great seat
at the mud hens game tonight.

What? These are right
behind the dugout.

Mel, that's awesome.

It's just one ticket,
though.

I can't leave you here
all by yourself.

Yes, you can.
That's the point.

Because I have this
boring work thing tonight.

Just boring
police department-- boring.

So at least one of us
will have fun tonight.

You better get going,
though,

Yeah, I'm just gonna
take a quick pee.

( stammers )
just go at the stadium.

Urinals are so much more fun
than boring old toilets.

You're not wrong.

- Hey.
- Hey.

What's up with you?

Oh, your aunt got me
this awesome seat

For tonight's mud hens game,

And I forgot my lucky
number one foam finger.

I'm not saying it's responsible
for all their victories,

But, you know...

When I bring it, they win.

Lennox, ryder!
I'm leaving!

If joe gets back
before me, just--

Tell him I love him
with all of my heart.

You.

It's not what you think.

So I think you sent me
to a baseball game tonight

So you could ditch me.

So you can go
to your fancy party.

( scoffs )
where'd you get a crazy idea
like that?

Let's see here--

"you are cordially invited
to the 41st annual

Toledo policeman's ball--
mel burke plus one."

So you didn't believe me
when I told you

I was going to keep
my mouth shut.

You're embarrassed
to be seen with me.

No, I love being seen
with you.

Always.
Well, 95% of the time.

Which is
a super-high number.

So you're only embarrassed
to be seen with me

- 5% of the time?
- Which is great!

Because before you,
my best boyfriends

Were like 20-30%
embarrassing.

That's 100% not helping.

Joe, I was wrong
to try to sneak out.

Please come to the ball
with me.

No, forget it.

I'm going to go
to my pity game tonight.

It's muzzle night.

First 500 boyfriends
get a free mouth gag.

If you change real quick,
we can go together.

The policeman ball
is always a hoot.

Drunk cops, handcuffs,
anything can happen.

No, thanks, but I know
how important it is
for you to be there.

Plus you'll
fit right in....

With all
the other politicians

Who talk out of both
sides of their mouths.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to my game
with my dignity intact.

So...

( doorbell rings )

It's for me, it's for me.

It's for you.

Oh, zander.

Please, look,
you can't get to art school

Through my house.

I'm actually on my way.

My dad was driving me
out of town

But I told him
he had to stop.

I've been milking this long
goodbye just to see you.

I'm going to miss you.

This is it.
I'm really going now.

So... Goodbye, lennox.

Okay, fine.

That's it?
No kiss?

I thought you didn't
want him to kiss you.

I didn't want him
to kiss me.

But I wanted him
to want to kiss me.

Obviously.

So are you
extra girl weird

Or just average girl weird?

You stink, molina!

Why don't you take
a cab to first base?

I've seen faster legs
on an armchair, molina.

- Good one.
- Thanks, man.

- You liked that one?
- Yeah.

I got this great
heckling app on my phone.

I just plug it in
and it keeps 'em coming.

- It's really cool.
- Pardon me.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Sorry, excuse me.

High heels.
Don't touch the merchandise.

Excuse me, could you guys
maybe move down?

Thank you.
Um, hey!

Is this seat taken?

What are you doing here?

Why aren't you
at your fancy party?

Well, that reporter
from "the herald"

Asked me,
"how come you're not with

Your loudmouthed, opinionated
boyfriend tonight?"

And I thought, "yeah.
How come I'm not with

My loudmouthed, opinionated
boyfriend tonight?"

So here I am.

That was very close
to sweet.

I try.
And I'll be trying harder.

- I should trust you.
- You really should trust me
on that.

At least 95% of the time.

- That's a super-high number.
- It really is.

Well, I appreciate you
coming to the game

And ditching
the policeman's ball.

You know what hurt
the most?

Leaving before they
gave out the swag.

Policemen
have the best stuff.

Last year they gave out
breathalyzer key chains.

Use it every day.

Oh-- go go.
Go go go go go!

Ah...

Wow, what a catch!

Well, yeah, but did you see
how high that guy jumped?

Way to go, cyclones!

- Hey.
- Yeah!

Mel, might want to take it
down a notch, okay?

Yeah, this is mud hens
territory, lady.

Yeah, but I think
even a mud hens fan

Could appreciate
a good play.

- Am I right?
- ( all groan, mutter )

All right, all right.
Hey hey hey!

Calm down, all right?
Look--

She's new here,
all right?

Clearly she's not
as big a fan as we are.

She doesn't really know
how these games work.

Doesn't know when to talk
and when to shut up.

But I promise you--
give her a second chance,

Can we not show our guest here
a little mud hen hospitality?

Can we, huh?

Apparently we can't.

It could have been worse.

It could have been
a beer.

Don't get any ideas.

Ooh ooh, what have we
got here?

- ( tv playing )
- joe: Look at that.

That's a teen romance
in full blossom right there.

That's another
longo institute success story.

- The longo what?
- Nothing.

So should we give
the kids their privacy?

No way!
It's my house.

Are you sure--

What the hell?

That's a frickin' baby.

I can see it's a baby.
Get in there.

- Oh, hey, guys.
- Hey!

( chuckles )
sorry to interrupt.

Hey, ryder.
What's going on?

Hey, guys, what's up?

We're just
watching a movie.

Oh, I get it.

Look at this industrious
young lady.

Babysitting
while on a date.

Oh, yeah.
I am a full-time babysitter.

This is stella's daughter,
isabel.

Did you hear that?
It's her daughter, isabel.

Yes, I heard.
It's her daughter, isabel.

Uh-huh. Uh, ryder--

I thought you said that...

She had a lot going on.

Yeah, joe,
you were totally right.

We can absolutely make
this work if we want to.

Now if you don't mind,

I'm kind of trying
to have a date here.

- Oh.
- Oh, it's okay, ryder.

Isabel has
to have her dinner first.

Oh, my gosh.
She just started breastfeeding.

It's okay, joe.

It's completely natural.

Well, maybe it is
time to go.

Me first!

How could you
encourage this?

I didn't encourage this.

I didn't know
she had a baby.

I thought he meant
spanish club and yearbook.

Not mommy and me
and breastfeeding.

This could totally ruin
ryder's future.

He's already getting
a "c" in algebra

With a baby, who knows
what kind of terrible things
could happen?

Maybe he'll get
a better grade in biology.

- Hey.
- Hey, stella.

Is it cool if I put it
in the fridge for next time?

Yeah, of course.

There's always room
in my fridge

For teen mom milk.

I am totally cool
with this.

Just don't put it next to
the half and half, all right?

I don't want
to make any mistakes

When I'm making my coffee
in the morning.

Got it.
Oh, and thanks again

For being so understanding.

( sighs )

She seems pretty sweet.

Maybe this would be okay.

Okay? Really?

Ryder didn't know
how to tie his shoes

Till he was 15.

How's he going to handle
a relationship

With a girl
who has a kid?

Holy crap!

Ryder has a baby
before I do.

Not that it's a competition.