All language subtitles for Married With Children - 0622 - The Goodbye Girl

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Oh, Al, please let me go with you.

Come on, Al, please?
Please? I really, really wanna go.

No! Now, let me explain this
one more time.

This is my vacation.

I work hard all year long alone.

I'm going on my vacation alone.

Be brave, Peg. Be back in a week.

- Goodbye, Al.
- Goodbye, Peg.

Good to get away.

Look at my itinerary.

"Bundy World Tour '92.

Day one: Arrive in New York."

Courtesy of Escape From New York.

Then it's on to the nation's capital
for Happy Hook er Goes to Washington.

- Day two.
- AI...

Peg, you're not allowed to "Al."

There will be no "Al-ing"
for my entire vacation.

I am not here.

Day two: I shall Concorde over
to merry old England...

...for British Babes Need Discipline.

- But, Al...
- Peg, sorry...

...the captain's turned on
the "No Peg" sign.

Dad, don't leave yet.
A terrible tragedy's befallen Kelly.

Sorry. As you can see,
my seat is now in an upright position.

I don't understand. Every time he goes
to the doctor, everything checks out.

Well, it's like when you bring
your car in.

It never knocks and pings
when the mechanic is looking at it.

The minute you get it home...

...it is the same old piece
of backfiring junk it always was.

- And what happened to Kelly?
- Her modelling school closed down.

It seems they moved upstairs and most
of the models can't find it anymore.

Poor Kelly. She must be crushed.

She spent so much time
learning the art...

...of rapidly undressing
and dressing again.

I don't think she learned that
at modelling school, Mom.

Now, Bud, it is not nice
to talk about your sister.

But she's not here,
so I guess it's all right.

- Where is she?
- Where she always goes...

...to contemplate during a crisis.

She's at TV World,
Chicago's finest theme park.

Yes, that's where she went
to contemplate the significance...

...of why Garfield can talk
while Odie speaketh not.

That was a rough six months.

She's probably wandering
around Kung Fu Land.

What if she tries to do
something rash, like think?

Am I truly nothing?
Is this all there is to life?

What's wrong, ducky?
You haven't touched a thing.

I don't blame you.
I'm not hungry either.

What should I do with my life?
I need a sign.

Oh, there's one.

Master, the modelling school's closed
and now I'm lost.

Which path should I follow?

Press button A
for Eastern philosophy.

Press B for last night's
bask etball scores.

Press C if you'd lik e
your own personalized videotape...

...of you pressing C.

You have pressed A,
heavy Eastern philosophy.

My child, remember...

...the wise man can eat no more
with four chopsticks...

...than he can with two.

- Unless he...
- Unless he what?

What, master, what?

Who keeps feeding this duck?

Unless he what?
Tell me before I kill you!

Excuse me. Are you from that
modelling school that closed down?

Yeah, how did you know?

Well, I saw the blonde hair and
the loaf of bread and took a wild guess.

Listen, I have some advice.

Oh, wait, here.

Thank you.

Get a job.

But how, master?

Look, you go to the Personnel office
and ask for an application.

Thank you. You're so much wiser
than the other statue.

That's why I've got a pointed stick
and this bag of doody.

- Dad still on vacation?
- Yes.

And not a postcard,
not a letter, nothing.

Okay.

Dad, this was really cute
when I was about 4.

But after 18 years
of your world cruises...

...I can't help but feel maybe it's time
to stand on a freeway off-ramp...

...with a sign that says, " Mindless.
Will embarrass my family for food."

Bud, come here a second.
Let me explain something to you.

You see, you know that
I'm just sitting here on the couch...

...and I know I'm just sitting here
on the couch.

But you see, son, the rest of the weeks
out of the year, I'm selling shoes.

Ladies' shoes.

Fat ladies.

Very, very fat ladies.

And you know
what fat does best, son?

Fat sweats.

So after selling fat sweat all year,
one needs a little vacation.

So you see, son, if I didn't
think I was enjoying myself here...

...I might one day just run amuck and
destroy everyone and everything I see.

Do I make myself clear?

We'll discuss it
when you get back, Dad.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Bud. Is Daddy
back from vacation yet?

Look around, honey.
Does it look like he's here?

Honey, are you okay?

We heard the modelling school closed.

Several of the mothers have called.

Their daughters are eating Cocoa Puffs
and salt-pork products...

...their weight, much like
their dreams, behind them.

How are you bearing up?

Well, I too was feeling Ionely and lost.

And I too almost buried
my troubles in pork rinds.

But thanks to the advice of two
wise statues, I decided to get a job.

A job?

Oh, my God, the shame.

What will I tell the girls
at the beauty parlour?

Well, tell them if their husbands ever
have time to kill down by the airport...

...they might wanna pop in and see
your little girl at the Nude-A-Teria.

Bud, why don't you go on
and stand over by Dad...

...so when he lands, you can be there
to yell, "Da plane, boss, da plane."

Anyway, you'll be proud to know
that I am now a paid employee...

...of TV World Theme Park.

Kel, I love TV World.

Babes from everywhere
flock to Talk Show Land...

...to see the binge-and-purge
Oprah statue...

...that grows and shrinks
on the half-hour.

You have to get me in for free.

Yeah, sure. I really wanna be
at my new job and hear screams of:

"There's a goose monster
loose in the park."

Is it my fault that every time
I'm at the zoo...

...10 girls happen
to back into my hand?

Anyway, Mom, I have
a really good feeling about this.

I mean, this could be more than a job.
It could be a career.

Finally, a chance to show
what I can do.

Thank you, come again.
Thank you, come again.

Thank you, come again. Thanks again.
Come you...

No. Thank... No. Come...

Oh, who cares? I hate this job.

This isn't even a real job.
What am l...?

"Thank you, come again.
Thank you..."

Thank you, come again.

Where's Dad now?

Well, according to his itinerary,
he's in Casablanca.

Here's looking at you, kid.

I know this must be trying
on you, Mom.

When Dad gets back, I suggest
you take the couch and go on a cruise.

That's okay, Bud. I choose to do
my fantasizing in other places.

But, you know, the one we should
be worried about right now is Kelly.

You know, ever since she's had
this job, she reminds me of someone.

I just can't put my finger on who.

Why doesn't the world explode
into a fiery, pus-filled death.

A fat woman comes to the gate today...

...her muumuu covering what
must've been three or four heinies.

Now, she could exit through a little,
itsy-bitsy turnstile or a huge gate.

Guess which one she chooses.

A line was forming.
So I had to do something.

So I got a tub of butter from the
"Delta Burke Let's Get Big" exhibit...

...and oiled her up.

Then I went over to Star Trek Land,
hot-wired the Enterprise...

...and sent it up where no man
has gone before.

She goes flying like a vegetable
out of Dad's mouth...

...right into The Facts of Life
Fan Club Pavilion.

Thank God it's always empty.

Can somebody give me
a reason to live?

Not a convincing one, no.

Listen, Kel. I know
what'll make you feel better.

You can get me into the park for free.

I do nothing for you, niblet.

I do nothing for anyone.

All I wanna do is just sit and relax.

Who is it she reminds me of?

Thank you, come again.

Thanks. Bye.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye. Come again.

Kel. Kel. Get me in.

I'm sorry, but the Shemp job
in Three Stooges Land...

...has already been taken.

Vengeance shall be mine.

Then vengeance can't be a woman.

Now go away. Here comes my boss.

- How's it going, Miss Bundy?
- Fine, Mr. Nielsen.

Excuse me, sir. I just exited the park.
This young lady didn't say goodbye.

The heck you say.
I'm sorry, young viewer.

Just for that, we're gonna give you
a rerun. That's a free ticket back in.

And it'll be a deduction
from Miss Bundy's paycheque.

Well, that almost makes up
for her rudeness.

But I don't think she quite
looks sorry enough for me.

But I do think that me
and the rest of the public...

...would like to see her head shaved.

Well, the modelling school may
be closed, but its spirit must live on.

I will follow its motto:
Smile as if your brain had wisdom.

Smile and go on NutriSystem.

Smile, something, something, smile.

I will not let that wisdom
go to waste.

Hi, Kelly. What are you smiling at?

Nothing. Life sucks.

Well, I just love it here.
I try to come as often as I can.

I just can't get enough
of that Cagney & Lacey exhibit.

That show always made me
wanna cut my hair short...

...and shoot at men with my big gun.

But then again, so did Bewitched...

...and Gilligan's Island
and Green Acres and That Girl.

Excuse me, Mrs. D'Arcy, but if you
don't mind, I'm kind of working here.

It takes all my concentration, okay?

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Pretty cool, eh?

Nothing to be ashamed of. At least
you went out and got yourself a job.

Some people don't even do that.

Here comes one now.

What was it like working
on Happy Days?

I'm telling you, kid,
I was not on Happy Days, okay?

My name is D'Arcy. Jefferson D'Arcy.

- Was that your name on Love Boat?
- Oh, beat it!

Come on. Get out of here.

Damn kids. I can hardly
go out in public anymore.

Well, here she is.

Gee, Kelly, it must be nice
to feel like a responsible adult...

...to finally have a job.
Hey, Marcie, can I have some money?

They have a really nice
TV World T-shirt.

I thought you said the hat
and nothing else.

Well, you got two things.

- Well, I'm paying.
- Well, if that's your attitude...

...I wanna go home right now.
- Why should you go and ruin...?

Wait a minute, Marcie.
If you guys are gonna whine like that...

...why don't you take it on over
to Thirtysomething Land, okay?

Welcome. How are you
enjoying the park?

This young lady just snapped at us.

Well, here's two free passes.
It comes out of her salary.

- Could I have a T-shirt too?
- Sure. Miss Bundy's paying.

Let's come back later
and pick another fight with her.

- I could really use some shorts.
- Well, why can't I have the shorts?

I mean, I have the legs in the family.

Can they walk home from here?

Honey, look, let's not argue
here in Chicago's happiest park.

You're right. Of course.

I know. Let's go to Steven Bochco's
Hall of Failures.

Listen, I hear they're just finishing
the Capitol Critters exhibit.

- Oh, I wanna see Cop Rock.
- I wanna see Hooperman.

Two viewer complaints.
"Tsk, tsk," as we say here in TV Land.

Save your "tsk"
for some other idiot, Nielsen.

I'm qualified for much more
than just standing by an... Ex...

Excite sign.

I can say much more than just
"goodbye." I can say "hello."

I can say "pretty bird." Why, I can say
about four or five different things...

...if given the proper chance.
I want a better job.

So I say to you
what many have said to me before:

Put out or get out.
What do you have to say about that?

Normally, two viewer complaints
would call for your cancellation...

...but come to think of it, we do have
an opening for a vacuous blond.

I'm your man.

Can you feel the excitement, boys
and girls? Here we are at the last stop.

Yes, Commercial Land.

See the disgusting, filthy roaches...

...about to devour that pie
Mom made with love?

I said, see the disgusting, filthy,
yet easily replaced roaches?

Roaches. Roaches.

But hark, who do I hear?

A reasonable facsimile of one of the
stars of your favourite TV commercial.

Yes, kids, the Verminator!

Breathe hot toxic, but safe
for the ozone. Vermin death.

Hasta la vista, buggies.

Hey, would one of you kids
like to ask the Verminator a question?

I would.

Excuse me, Verminator.

Could you tell the kids which backseat
you'll be appearing in tonight...

...should they wanna further
their education?

Bud, please don't do this to me.
My wrath will be terrible.

Does anyone else have a question
for the Verminator?

I see you wear a cape
but no underwear.

Is that so you can more easily change
into your secret identity...

...of a mild-mannered sex toy
for the Navy?

Who would like to be
deputy Verminators?

Me! Me!

Well, I see one last roach
that I just can't quite reach.

He's disguised as a dateless,
bitter little troll.

- That's him.
- Yes, that's right.

Send him to Valhalla!

That's right, kids.
Destroy his evil tentacles.

Tentacles, kids, I said tentacles.

- So how was work, honey?
- Oh, it was great.

You have no idea
of the power of television.

I could get those kids
to do anything.

First, I had them beat up Bud.

Then I had them bring me a burger.

Then I had them beat up Bud again.

The best part is that TV World asked
Bud to come back as King Roach.

Well, here's Bud. My little man.

He looks just cute as a bug.

Isn't it grand? I get to command
his death every day.

Oh, and twice on Saturday.

I have finally found my calling,
to have my brother beaten.

It's just for the summer.

That's what your father said
20 years ago.

Hey, Bud, you know,
if you had one more arm...

...you would have a date
for every night of the week.

That's it. Come on,
put them up. Let's go!

- Come and get it, roach boy.
- Oh, now, kids, please.

Don't you think your father
gives me a big enough headache?

What are you saying, Mom?
That I should just accept this?

That I should just let it ride?

I am a college man
and I demand the respect I deserve.

Well, look, we cannot discuss this now.
We've gotta go pick up your father.

Family, I'm home.

- Daddy.
- Hi, Al.

- We missed you.
- Hi.

You know, it was great. But I haven't
showered in about a week...

...so I think I ought to
get right to bed.

But before I do,
I wanna tell you something.

Let's sit down. Come here a second.

I miss my couch.

That's it. Come on over here.

Now, guys, I had it all.

Romance, intrigue, adventure,
but I learned one thing.

And it's the same the world over.

There's nothing like being home
with a nice normal family.

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