Original subtitles

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Oh, Al, please let me go with you.

Come on, Al, please? Please? I really, really wanna go.

No! Now, let me explain this one more time.

This is my vacation.

I work hard all year long alone.

I'm going on my vacation alone.

Be brave, Peg. Be back in a week.

- Goodbye, Al. - Goodbye, Peg.

Good to get away.

Look at my itinerary.

"Bundy World Tour '92.

Day one: Arrive in New York."

Courtesy of Escape From New York.

Then it's on to the nation's capital for Happy Hook er Goes to Washington.

- Day two. - AI...

Peg, you're not allowed to "Al."

There will be no "Al-ing" for my entire vacation.

I am not here.

Day two: I shall Concorde over to merry old England...

...for British Babes Need Discipline.

- But, Al... - Peg, sorry...

...the captain's turned on the "No Peg" sign.

Dad, don't leave yet. A terrible tragedy's befallen Kelly.

Sorry. As you can see, my seat is now in an upright position.

I don't understand. Every time he goes to the doctor, everything checks out.

Well, it's like when you bring your car in.

It never knocks and pings when the mechanic is looking at it.

The minute you get it home...

...it is the same old piece of backfiring junk it always was.

- And what happened to Kelly? - Her modelling school closed down.

It seems they moved upstairs and most of the models can't find it anymore.

Poor Kelly. She must be crushed.

She spent so much time learning the art...

...of rapidly undressing and dressing again.

I don't think she learned that at modelling school, Mom.

Now, Bud, it is not nice to talk about your sister.

But she's not here, so I guess it's all right.

- Where is she? - Where she always goes...

...to contemplate during a crisis.

She's at TV World, Chicago's finest theme park.

Yes, that's where she went to contemplate the significance...

...of why Garfield can talk while Odie speaketh not.

That was a rough six months.

She's probably wandering around Kung Fu Land.

What if she tries to do something rash, like think?

Am I truly nothing? Is this all there is to life?

What's wrong, ducky? You haven't touched a thing.

I don't blame you. I'm not hungry either.

What should I do with my life? I need a sign.

Oh, there's one.

Master, the modelling school's closed and now I'm lost.

Which path should I follow?

Press button A for Eastern philosophy.

Press B for last night's bask etball scores.

Press C if you'd lik e your own personalized videotape...

...of you pressing C.

You have pressed A, heavy Eastern philosophy.

My child, remember...

...the wise man can eat no more with four chopsticks...

...than he can with two.

- Unless he... - Unless he what?

What, master, what?

Who keeps feeding this duck?

Unless he what? Tell me before I kill you!

Excuse me. Are you from that modelling school that closed down?

Yeah, how did you know?

Well, I saw the blonde hair and the loaf of bread and took a wild guess.

Listen, I have some advice.

Oh, wait, here.

Thank you.

Get a job.

But how, master?

Look, you go to the Personnel office and ask for an application.

Thank you. You're so much wiser than the other statue.

That's why I've got a pointed stick and this bag of doody.

- Dad still on vacation? - Yes.

And not a postcard, not a letter, nothing.

Okay.

Dad, this was really cute when I was about 4.

But after 18 years of your world cruises...

...I can't help but feel maybe it's time to stand on a freeway off-ramp...

...with a sign that says, " Mindless. Will embarrass my family for food."

Bud, come here a second. Let me explain something to you.

You see, you know that I'm just sitting here on the couch...

...and I know I'm just sitting here on the couch.

But you see, son, the rest of the weeks out of the year, I'm selling shoes.

Ladies' shoes.

Fat ladies.

Very, very fat ladies.

And you know what fat does best, son?

Fat sweats.

So after selling fat sweat all year, one needs a little vacation.

So you see, son, if I didn't think I was enjoying myself here...

...I might one day just run amuck and destroy everyone and everything I see.

Do I make myself clear?

We'll discuss it when you get back, Dad.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Bud. Is Daddy back from vacation yet?

Look around, honey. Does it look like he's here?

Honey, are you okay?

We heard the modelling school closed.

Several of the mothers have called.

Their daughters are eating Cocoa Puffs and salt-pork products...

...their weight, much like their dreams, behind them.

How are you bearing up?

Well, I too was feeling Ionely and lost.

And I too almost buried my troubles in pork rinds.

But thanks to the advice of two wise statues, I decided to get a job.

A job?

Oh, my God, the shame.

What will I tell the girls at the beauty parlour?

Well, tell them if their husbands ever have time to kill down by the airport...

...they might wanna pop in and see your little girl at the Nude-A-Teria.

Bud, why don't you go on and stand over by Dad...

...so when he lands, you can be there to yell, "Da plane, boss, da plane."

Anyway, you'll be proud to know that I am now a paid employee...

...of TV World Theme Park.

Kel, I love TV World.

Babes from everywhere flock to Talk Show Land...

...to see the binge-and-purge Oprah statue...

...that grows and shrinks on the half-hour.

You have to get me in for free.

Yeah, sure. I really wanna be at my new job and hear screams of:

"There's a goose monster loose in the park."

Is it my fault that every time I'm at the zoo...

...10 girls happen to back into my hand?

Anyway, Mom, I have a really good feeling about this.

I mean, this could be more than a job. It could be a career.

Finally, a chance to show what I can do.

Thank you, come again. Thank you, come again.

Thank you, come again. Thanks again. Come you...

No. Thank... No. Come...

Oh, who cares? I hate this job.

This isn't even a real job. What am l...?

"Thank you, come again. Thank you..."

Thank you, come again.

Where's Dad now?

Well, according to his itinerary, he's in Casablanca.

Here's looking at you, kid.

I know this must be trying on you, Mom.

When Dad gets back, I suggest you take the couch and go on a cruise.

That's okay, Bud. I choose to do my fantasizing in other places.

But, you know, the one we should be worried about right now is Kelly.

You know, ever since she's had this job, she reminds me of someone.

I just can't put my finger on who.

Why doesn't the world explode into a fiery, pus-filled death.

A fat woman comes to the gate today...

...her muumuu covering what must've been three or four heinies.

Now, she could exit through a little, itsy-bitsy turnstile or a huge gate.

Guess which one she chooses.

A line was forming. So I had to do something.

So I got a tub of butter from the "Delta Burke Let's Get Big" exhibit...

...and oiled her up.

Then I went over to Star Trek Land, hot-wired the Enterprise...

...and sent it up where no man has gone before.

She goes flying like a vegetable out of Dad's mouth...

...right into The Facts of Life Fan Club Pavilion.

Thank God it's always empty.

Can somebody give me a reason to live?

Not a convincing one, no.

Listen, Kel. I know what'll make you feel better.

You can get me into the park for free.

I do nothing for you, niblet.

I do nothing for anyone.

All I wanna do is just sit and relax.

Who is it she reminds me of?

Thank you, come again.

Thanks. Bye.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye. Come again.

Kel. Kel. Get me in.

I'm sorry, but the Shemp job in Three Stooges Land...

...has already been taken.

Vengeance shall be mine.

Then vengeance can't be a woman.

Now go away. Here comes my boss.

- How's it going, Miss Bundy? - Fine, Mr. Nielsen.

Excuse me, sir. I just exited the park. This young lady didn't say goodbye.

The heck you say. I'm sorry, young viewer.

Just for that, we're gonna give you a rerun. That's a free ticket back in.

And it'll be a deduction from Miss Bundy's paycheque.

Well, that almost makes up for her rudeness.

But I don't think she quite looks sorry enough for me.

But I do think that me and the rest of the public...

...would like to see her head shaved.

Well, the modelling school may be closed, but its spirit must live on.

I will follow its motto: Smile as if your brain had wisdom.

Smile and go on NutriSystem.

Smile, something, something, smile.

I will not let that wisdom go to waste.

Hi, Kelly. What are you smiling at?

Nothing. Life sucks.

Well, I just love it here. I try to come as often as I can.

I just can't get enough of that Cagney & Lacey exhibit.

That show always made me wanna cut my hair short...

...and shoot at men with my big gun.

But then again, so did Bewitched...

...and Gilligan's Island and Green Acres and That Girl.

Excuse me, Mrs. D'Arcy, but if you don't mind, I'm kind of working here.

It takes all my concentration, okay?

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Pretty cool, eh?

Nothing to be ashamed of. At least you went out and got yourself a job.

Some people don't even do that.

Here comes one now.

What was it like working on Happy Days?

I'm telling you, kid, I was not on Happy Days, okay?

My name is D'Arcy. Jefferson D'Arcy.

- Was that your name on Love Boat? - Oh, beat it!

Come on. Get out of here.

Damn kids. I can hardly go out in public anymore.

Well, here she is.

Gee, Kelly, it must be nice to feel like a responsible adult...

...to finally have a job. Hey, Marcie, can I have some money?

They have a really nice TV World T-shirt.

I thought you said the hat and nothing else.

Well, you got two things.

- Well, I'm paying. - Well, if that's your attitude...

...I wanna go home right now. - Why should you go and ruin...?

Wait a minute, Marcie. If you guys are gonna whine like that...

...why don't you take it on over to Thirtysomething Land, okay?

Welcome. How are you enjoying the park?

This young lady just snapped at us.

Well, here's two free passes. It comes out of her salary.

- Could I have a T-shirt too? - Sure. Miss Bundy's paying.

Let's come back later and pick another fight with her.

- I could really use some shorts. - Well, why can't I have the shorts?

I mean, I have the legs in the family.

Can they walk home from here?

Honey, look, let's not argue here in Chicago's happiest park.

You're right. Of course.

I know. Let's go to Steven Bochco's Hall of Failures.

Listen, I hear they're just finishing the Capitol Critters exhibit.

- Oh, I wanna see Cop Rock. - I wanna see Hooperman.

Two viewer complaints. "Tsk, tsk," as we say here in TV Land.

Save your "tsk" for some other idiot, Nielsen.

I'm qualified for much more than just standing by an... Ex...

Excite sign.

I can say much more than just "goodbye." I can say "hello."

I can say "pretty bird." Why, I can say about four or five different things...

...if given the proper chance. I want a better job.

So I say to you what many have said to me before:

Put out or get out. What do you have to say about that?

Normally, two viewer complaints would call for your cancellation...

...but come to think of it, we do have an opening for a vacuous blond.

I'm your man.

Can you feel the excitement, boys and girls? Here we are at the last stop.

Yes, Commercial Land.

See the disgusting, filthy roaches...

...about to devour that pie Mom made with love?

I said, see the disgusting, filthy, yet easily replaced roaches?

Roaches. Roaches.

But hark, who do I hear?

A reasonable facsimile of one of the stars of your favourite TV commercial.

Yes, kids, the Verminator!

Breathe hot toxic, but safe for the ozone. Vermin death.

Hasta la vista, buggies.

Hey, would one of you kids like to ask the Verminator a question?

I would.

Excuse me, Verminator.

Could you tell the kids which backseat you'll be appearing in tonight...

...should they wanna further their education?

Bud, please don't do this to me. My wrath will be terrible.

Does anyone else have a question for the Verminator?

I see you wear a cape but no underwear.

Is that so you can more easily change into your secret identity...

...of a mild-mannered sex toy for the Navy?

Who would like to be deputy Verminators?

Me! Me!

Well, I see one last roach that I just can't quite reach.

He's disguised as a dateless, bitter little troll.

- That's him. - Yes, that's right.

Send him to Valhalla!

That's right, kids. Destroy his evil tentacles.

Tentacles, kids, I said tentacles.

- So how was work, honey? - Oh, it was great.

You have no idea of the power of television.

I could get those kids to do anything.

First, I had them beat up Bud.

Then I had them bring me a burger.

Then I had them beat up Bud again.

The best part is that TV World asked Bud to come back as King Roach.

Well, here's Bud. My little man.

He looks just cute as a bug.

Isn't it grand? I get to command his death every day.

Oh, and twice on Saturday.

I have finally found my calling, to have my brother beaten.

It's just for the summer.

That's what your father said 20 years ago.

Hey, Bud, you know, if you had one more arm...

...you would have a date for every night of the week.

That's it. Come on, put them up. Let's go!

- Come and get it, roach boy. - Oh, now, kids, please.

Don't you think your father gives me a big enough headache?

What are you saying, Mom? That I should just accept this?

That I should just let it ride?

I am a college man and I demand the respect I deserve.

Well, look, we cannot discuss this now. We've gotta go pick up your father.

Family, I'm home.

- Daddy. - Hi, Al.

- We missed you. - Hi.

You know, it was great. But I haven't showered in about a week...

...so I think I ought to get right to bed.

But before I do, I wanna tell you something.

Let's sit down. Come here a second.

I miss my couch.

That's it. Come on over here.

Now, guys, I had it all.

Romance, intrigue, adventure, but I learned one thing.

And it's the same the world over.

There's nothing like being home with a nice normal family.

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