Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

LIFE HAS FINALLY GOT TOO HOT FOR ME

HERE IN NOUVION,

SO I HAVE DECIDED TO LEG IT FOR SPAIN.

AS YOU SEE, I AM DISGUISED--

AS AN ONION SELLER.

I AM ALSO GOING TO BE TAKING THE PAINTING

OF THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH THE BIG BOOBIES,

WHICH WE STOLE LAST NIGHT FROM THE SAFE OF HERR FLICK

BY TUNNELING THROUGH FROM THE OLD BAKERY NEXT DOOR.

UNFORTUNATELY, AS I WAS REMOVING THE PAINTING

FROM THE BACK OF THE SAFE,

LIEUTENANT GRUBER OPENED THE FRONT,

AND CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF ME.

FORTUNATELY, HE THOUGHT THAT I WAS THE GHOST

OF MY OWN DEAD TWIN BROTHER,

BECAUSE I WAS COVERED IN FLOUR AT THE TIME.

SO, TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE,

I AM GOING TO PINCH THE BICYCLE OF OFFICER CRABTREE,

AND HEAD FOR THE SPANISH BORDER.

IF MY LEGS HOLD OUT,

I SHOULD BE THERE BY THE END OF THE WAR.

RENE,

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

TO SPAIN, MY CHILD. I AM GOING TO SELL

THE PAINTING OF THE FALLEN MADONNA,

AND THEN SEND FOR YOU.

I THOUGHT YOU GAVE THE PAINTING TO MICHELLE,

TO SELL FOR RESISTANCE FUNDS?

THAT WAS A FORGERY.

THE ORIGINAL IS IN MY KNAPSACK.

OH, RENE, DO NOT LEAVE ME.

CAREFUL, YOU WILL CRUSH MY ONIONS.

OH, RENE, TAKE ME WITH YOU.

I WILL ENDURE ANY HARDSHIP

TO BE BY YOUR SIDE.

700 MILES ON MY CROSSBAR MAY BE TOO MUCH.

GOODBYE, YVETTE.

EXPECT A CARD.

I WILL SIGN IT "A. SPANIARD,"

THEN YOU CAN REST ASSURED IT COMES FROM ME.

OH, RENE!

RENE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING

HOLDING THAT SERVANT GIRL IN YOUR ARMS?

AND WHY IS SHE CRYING?

YOU STUPID WOMAN!

CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT THESE ONIONS

ARE MAKING HER WEEP?

I WAS JUST WIPING HER POOR EYES.

NOW GO BACK TO BED, YVETTE,

AND DO NOT LOOK BACK.

DO AS HE SAYS.

I WILL BE BRAVE.

( Yvette wails )

RENE, YOU CANNOT RUN AWAY.

I AM SURE THE GERMANS WILL ARREST ME

FOR BREAKING INTO THE SAFE OF HERR FLICK.

NONSENSE.

ONE QUICK GLIMPSE OF YOUR FACE

COVERED WITH FLOUR INSIDE A SAFE?

NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO PROVE IT WAS YOU.

OH, RENE, I WILL SWEAR

THAT WE HAVE BEEN IN BED TOGETHER,

IN A PASSIONATE EMBRACE, ALL NIGHT.

WELL, THERE GOES THE CASE FOR THE DEFENSE.

THERE YOU ARE, RENE.

WE WANT A WORD WITH YOU.

GOOD MORNING, COLONEL, LIEUTENANT, CAPTAIN.

SOMEBODY BROKE

INTO HERR FLICK'S SAFE LAST NIGHT.

YES, WE DID.

BUT SOMEONE HAS BROKEN IN FROM THE BACK,

AND STOLEN THE PAINTING OF THE FALLEN MADONNA.

AND THIS MORNING, A TRAIL OF FLOUR FROM THE BAKERY

HAS LED US TO THE DOOR OF YOUR CAFE.

- NO. - YES.

NOW YOU TELL THE TRUTH, OR YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE.

WHAT YOU HAVE JUST TOLD ME EXPLAINS

A MYSTERIOUS EVENT THAT HAPPENED JUST A FEW MOMENTS AGO.

A DISREPUTABLE STRANGER,

ALL COVERED IN FLOUR,

ENTERED THROUGH THAT VERY DOOR

AND TRIED TO SELL ME THE PAINTING

OF THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH THE BIG BOOBIES.

I KNEW YOU WOULD HAVE AN EXPLANATION.

AND WHAT DID YOU DO?

HE SENT HIM PACKING.

NO... NO. NO, NO.

YOU ARE HALF ASLEEP, MY DEAREST.

NO, I CONFISCATED THE PAINTING,

AND THEN I SENT HIM PACKING.

OH, YES. I WAS HALF ASLEEP.

WHERE IS THE PAINTING NOW?

I WAS JUST ABOUT TO CYCLE OVER,

AND GIVE IT TO YOU.

EXCELLENT.

LIEUTENANT GRUBER SWEARS HE SAW SOMEONE,

WHO LOOKED JUST LIKE YOU,

STEAL IT FROM THE SAFE.

THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE.

THE MAN LOOKED NOTHING AT ALL LIKE RENE.

HE WAS SHORT AND SKINNY,

WITH PIGGY EYES AND A SQUINT.

HE HAD A SCAR FROM HERE TO HERE,

TWO FRONT TEETH WERE MISSING.

ALSO, HE HAD A LIMP.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE HALF ASLEEP?

I WAS.

IF I'D BEEN FULLY AWAKE, I WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE

TO GIVE YOU A MORE DETAILED DESCRIPTION.

THERE YOU ARE, COLONEL.

A SIMPLE CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY.

I THINK WE SHOULD GIVE RENE

THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT, COLONEL.

WELL, FROM NOW ON,

KEEP YOUR NOSE CLEAN.

- YES, COLONEL. - COME ON.

IF YOU DON'T,

YOU WILL BE IN THE DEEP DOO-DAH.

I SUSPECT THAT YOU

HAVE BEEN A NAUGHTY BOY, RENE,

BUT I DID NOT WANT TO GET YOU INTO TROUBLE.

THANK YOU, LIEUTENANT.

IF THERE IS EVER ANYTHING I CAN DO IN RETURN.

YES, WELL, NO DOUBT, I SHALL THINK OF SOMETHING.

UNTIL THEN.

UNTIL THEN.

OH, RENE,

THAT WAS A CLOSE CALL.

MY LEGS HAVE GONE ALL WOBBLY.

LIEUTENANT GRUBER SAVED OUR BACON.

HE KNOWS IT WAS ME.

NEXT TIME HE COMES TO DINNER,

WE WILL MAKE SURE THAT HE HAS THE BEST TABLE BY THE WINDOW.

LET US HOPE THAT IS ALL HE WANTS.

( bell rings )

GOOD MOANING, HERR FLOCK,

AND GOOD MOANING TO YOU, HERR VON SMELLHORSEN.

IT IS NOT A GOOD MORNING.

I WISH TO REPORT A SERIOUS BURGLARY.

AND WHAT HAS BEEN BIGGLED?

LAST NIGHT, SOMEONE BLEW DOWN

THE DOOR TO MY SECRET HEADQUARTERS,

BROKE INTO MY SAFE,

AND STOLE A VALUABLE PAINTING.

CAN YOU DESCROOB THIS PINTING?

IT WAS THE FALLEN MADONNA BY VAN CLOMP.

THE ONE WITH THE BIG BOOBIES.

THE FILLEN MIDINNA

WITH THE BOG BEEBIES.

I MAY BE ABLE TO HELP YOU, HERR FLOCK.

I SAW THE MIN WHO DEED THE DOOD.

YOU DOD? UH, YOU DID?

I WAS OUTSOD YOUR HEADQUITTERS,

WHEN I SAW SOME POOPLE

ACTING IN A SUSPICIOUS MINNER.

WHY DID YOU NOT ARREST THEM?

BEFORE I COULD,

THEY HIT ME ON THE HOD,

AND I PISSED OUT.

DID YOU RECOGNIZE THESES MEN?

I HAD NEVER SEEN THEM BEFORE IN MY LOAF,

BUT I HAVE DROAN A ROUGH SKOTCH

WITH MY PINCIL.

THERE WILL BE A GENEROUS REWARD

FOR INFORMATION LEADING

TO THE ARREST OF THESE PEOPLE.

ALTHOUGH, FROM THIS SKETCH,

THEY APPEAR TO BE FROM ANOTHER PLANET.

WHAT IS THE REWOD?

100 FRANCS.

THAT'S NOT MUCH.

I'VE GOT MORE THAN THAT IN MY PIGGY BANK.

MAKE THAT 100 FRANCS AND HIS PIGGY BANK.

GO TO IT.

I SHALL DO MY BUST.

COME.

WHEN WILL I LEARN TO KEEP MY TRAP SHUT?

PERHAPS WHEN YOU ARE TALLER.

DO YOU THINK THIS IS THE ORIGINAL, GRUBER?

I DON'T TRUST RENE.

OH, YES, COLONEL.

I RECOGNIZE THIS LITTLE CIRCULAR MARK,

FROM WHEN I HID IT IN MY QUARTERS.

IS THAT THE SECRET SIGN OF THE ARTIST?

NO, THAT IS WHERE

I PUT A DAMP GLASS OF SCHNAPPS ON IT.

GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN!

GOOD MORNING, GENTLEMEN.

THE TOWN IS ABUZZ WITH RUMOR.

IT SEEMS THAT THERE WAS A BURGLARY CARRIED OUT

AT THE GESTAPO HEADQUARTERS, AND A CERTAIN PAINTING,

THAT WAS THOUGHT TO BE MISSING,

IS AGAIN MISSING.

HAVE YOU ANYTHING TO ADD TO THESE RUMORS?

HAVE WE ANYTHING TO ADD, GRUBER?

I THINK WE'RE ABOUT TO.

DON'T TELL ME THE NEWS IS ALREADY IN THE PAPER.

NO, GENERAL.

BUT THERE'S GOOD NEWS FOR YOU

UNDER THIS PAPER.

THE PAINTING IS SAFE.

IT WAS HANDED TO US A FEW MOMENTS AGO,

ANONYMOUSLY.

WE WERE JUST GOING TO BRING IT TO YOU.

OH, THIS IS SPLENDID NEWS.

THE FUHRER WILL BE DELIGHTED.

I SHALL TAKE IT TO MY QUARTERS,

FOR SAFEKEEPING.

I SUSPECT THAT THIS BREAK IN WAS

CARRIED OUT BY YOU WITHOUT MY PERMISSION,

BUT I SHALL TURN A BLIND EYE.

VERY NEARLY TRUE, GENERAL.

MEDALS MAY BE IN ORDER FOR YOU TWO.

I WAS THE ONE WHO REVEALED ITS LOCATION.

I SHALL PIN YOURS ON, PERSONALLY.

WHAT ABOUT ME?

MY MEN BLEW THE SAFE.

STICK ANOTHER FEATHER IN YOUR HAT.

IN THE MEANTIME, GRUBER,

HOW IS THE FIRST EDITION OF THE NEWSPAPER PROGRESSING?

IT IS ALMOST READY, GENERAL.

OH, GOOD.

SINCE OUR PICNIC WITH THE FRENCH PEASANTS

WAS RUINED BY THE GESTAPO,

WE SHALL NEED ANOTHER PICTURE

FOR THE FRONT PAGE,

TO SHOW HOW WELL WE ARE GETTING ON

WITH THE CONQUERED FRENCH.

WHAT ABOUT ONE OF THE GARRISON COMMANDER

ENJOYING AN EVENING OUT AT THE LOCAL CAFE?

ENJOYING FOOD, WINE AND ENTERTAINMENT?

I WILL ARRANGE IT AT ONCE, GENERAL.

EXCELLENT. I SHALL SEE YOU ALL TONIGHT.

PERHAPS YOU CAN ARRANGE FOR THE PIN-UP

OF THE TANK CORPS TO SIT NEXT TO ME.

THANK YOU, GENERAL.

I WAS REFERRING TO PRIVATE HELGA GEERHART.

IT WILL BE A PRIVILEGE.

HEIL HITLER.

HEIL HITLER.

HEIL MUSSOLINI.

DON'T PUSH YOUR LUCK.

DAMN IT!

WE'VE LOST THE PAINTING.

DON'T WORRY.

IF I KEEP IN WITH THE GENERAL,

WE MAY BE ABLE TO GET IT BACK.

BY THE WAY,

I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS PIN-UP OF THE TANK CORPS.

YOU'RE NOT-- IN MY LITTLE TANK.

THANK HEAVENS FOR THAT.

HERR FLICK, THERE ARE RUMORS IN THE VILLAGE

THAT COLONEL VON STROHM HAS SOMEHOW OBTAINED

THE PAINTING OF THE FALLEN MADONNA

WHICH WAS STOLEN FROM YOUR SAFE.

CURSE IT.

I MIGHT HAVE GUESSED HE WAS BEHIND IT.

THIS MEANS, I MUST MAKE UP WITH HELGA,

SO SHE CAN ASSIST IN ITS RECOVERY.

THAT WILL NOT BE EASY, HERR FLICK.

SHE WAS NOT VERY PLEASED WHEN YOU DITCHED HER.

FORTUNATELY,

I HAVE IN MY DESK DRAWER,

THE GESTAPO MANUAL ENTITLED,

"HOW TO GET OFF WITH WOMEN OF THE OPPOSITE SEX,

IN 10 EASY LESSONS,"

WITH AN INTRODUCTION BY EVA BRAUN.

HERE WE ARE,

CHAPTER FIVE--

"HOW TO MAKE UP WITH A WOMAN YOU HAVE DITCHED."

WHAT DOES IT SAY?

"THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO WORM YOUR WAY BACK

INTO THE HEART OF A WOMAN YOU HAVE DITCHED--

GROVEL."

BUT THAT IS AGAINST

YOUR NATURAL INSTINCTS, HERR FLICK.

THAT IS CORRECT.

SENIOR GESTAPO OFFICERS ARE NOT USED TO GROVELING.

I MEAN, I CANNOT SEE YOU BEING MEEK AND HUMBLE,

AND GENERALLY VERY CRAWLY.

I SHALL HAVE TO TAKE A LEAF

OUT OF YOUR BOOK, VON SMALLHAUSEN.

YOU GIVE ME PLENTY OF PRACTICE, HERR FLICK.

IT SAYS HERE, I SHOULD TAKE HER GIFTS,

WRITE HER A POEM,

OR SERENADE HER WITH A LOVE SONG.

WHAT WOMEN COULD RESIST SUCH A MAN?

BUT-- CAN YOU SING?

I HAVE A FINE, TENOR VOICE.

I WILL SING HER A SERENADE FROM "ROSE MARIE."

( clears throat )

( sings badly ) ♪ WHEN I'M CALLING ♪

♪ YOU-OOO. ♪

A SUPERB RENDITION, HERR FLICK, SUPERB!

IT IS GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU, FOR A CHANGE,

AN HONEST OPINION.

♪ WILL YOU ANSWER TOO-OOO? ♪

( dogs baying, howling )

YES, COLONEL.

THIS EVENING,

I'LL PASS ON THE MESSAGE.

WHO WAS THAT?

THAT WAS THE COLONEL.

THE GENERAL IS COMING HERE TONIGHT TO BE PHOTOGRAPHED

HAVING A JOLLY TIME FOR THE NEWSPAPER,

TO SHOW HOW WELL WE COLLABORATE.

( spits ) IT WAS NOT EASY TO CONTROL MYSELF.

RENE, WE MUST NOT UPSET THEM.

WE MUST NOT LET THE VILLAGERS THINK

WE ARE BEING TOO FRIENDLY, OR THEY MAY STOP COMING.

BUT, OF COURSE, I SHALL SING FOR THEM.

IT IS ONLY EXPECTED.

WELL, THAT SHOULD CONVINCE THE VILLAGE

THAT WE HAVE AT LEAST GOT SOME FIGHT LEFT.

RENE,

I MUST TALK TO YOU URGENTLY.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN OUR BACK PASSAGE?

I WAS TESTING THE WINE BARRELS THAT WILL TRANSPORT

THE BRITISH AIRMEN DOWN THE RIVER TO THE SEA,

SO THEY CAN BE PICKED UP BY THE BOAT SQUADRON.

TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT.

WHERE ARE THESE BARRELS?

IN YOUR CELLAR.

THE AIRMEN ARE JUST TRYING THEM FOR SIZE.

OH MY GOD.

COME AND SAY FAREWELL TO THEM.

THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME YOU WILL SEE THEM.

MY PLAN IS FOOLPROOF.

NOW WHERE HAVE I HEARD THAT BEFORE?

THESE ARE THE SPECIAL BARRELS.

- HELLO. - HELLO.

WE ARE ACCLIMATIZING THEM

TO BEING IN THE BARRELS.

HELLO, CHAPS. EVERYTHING OKAY?

I'VE GOT PINS AND NEEDLES EVERYWHERE.

YOU'RE LUCKY,

I THINK I'VE GOT WOODWORM.

MICHELLE, HOW WILL THE BOAT SQUADRON

SEE THEM IN THE DARK?

I WILL DEMONSTRATE.

RIGHT, CHAPS, READY TO RUN THROUGH THE DRILL?

- SPLENDID. - JOLLY GOOD.

THIS IS AN HAREBRAINED PLAN.

AT LEAST IT WILL GET RID OF THEM.

FOR GOOD, I SHOULD THINK.

OKAY, CHAPS. YOU'RE OUT AT SEA, GO!

READY TO FLASH?

READY.

TALLY-HO!

INCREDIBLE.

SO THAT IS WHERE MY BATHROOM BULBS WENT!

EACH BARREL IS EQUIPPED

WITH A LONGLIFE, HEAVY DUTY BATTERY,

WHICH IS ATTACHED TO THE BULBS.

WELL DONE, CHAPS.

( yelling )

FOOLPROOF?

Flick: ♪ WHEN I'M CALLING ♪

♪ YOU-OOO ♪

♪ WILL YOU ANSWER ♪

♪ TOO-OOO? ♪

GOOD MORNING, HELGA.

DID YOU ENJOY MY LITTLE SERENADE?

IS THAT WHAT IT WAS?

I THOUGHT IT WAS ONE OF THE PEASANTS

SKINNING A CAT.

DO I DETECT A CERTAIN COLDNESS

IN YOUR DEMEANOR AS A RESULT OF OUR LOVERS' TIFF?

WHAT DO YOU WANT, HERR FLICK?

I SEE YOU INTEND TO MAKE IT

DIFFICULT FOR ME, HELGA.

PERHAPS YOU WILL MELT

WHEN I READ YOU THIS POEM.

"I LOVE YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY,

FROM YOUR HEAD DOWN TO YOUR TOES.

I AM LOST FOR WORDS TO SHOW MY LOVE,

SO PLEASE, ACCEPT THIS ROSE."

THAT IS A DEAD COD.

ROSES ARE OUT OF SEASON.

I ONLY FOUND OUT AFTER I HAD WRITTEN THE POEM.

IT WILL TAKE MORE THAN A DEAD COD

TO GET AROUND ME.

YOU WILL BE PLEASED TO HEAR

THAT I HAVE DECIDED TO FORGIVE YOU.

I AM WILLING TO TAKE YOU BACK,

IF YOU PROMISE TO BEHAVE.

BY THE WAY,

WHERE IS THE PAINTING OF THE FALLEN MADONNA?

THE GENERAL HAS IT

IN HIS QUARTERS IN HIS CHATEAU.

THANK YOU. YOU MAY KISS ME.

I'D RATHER KISS THE COD.

WELL, HELP ME GET IT BACK

AND WE WILL SHARE THE PROCEEDS.

WHEN I WAS MAD ABOUT YOU, I MIGHT HAVE HELPED.

BUT NOW THAT YOU HAVE DITCHED ME,

I HAVE MY OWN PLANS.

THE GENERAL'S QUITE KEEN ON ME.

PLEASE, HELGA.

AH, ROSES FOR THE BEAUTIFUL LADY.

WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?

MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

OH, CAPTAIN BERTORELLI, WHAT LOVELY FLOWERS.

YOU CERTAINLY KNOW HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN,

UNLIKE CERTAIN OTHERS.

I THOUGHT MAYBE TONIGHT,

BEFORE WE MEET THE GENERAL IN THE CAFE,

WE COULD TAKE A STROLL IN THE MOONLIGHT,

AND DO THE CANOODLE.

OH, WHAT FUN.

PERHAPS YOU WOULD RATHER

HAVE A LITTLE LUNCH WITH ME?

WE COULD GRILL SOME SAUSAGES

OVER MY UPTURNED ELECTRIC FIRE.

HOW ABOUT A PICNIC IN THE WOODS?

THAT SOUNDS MUCH MORE EXCITING.

MAYBE WE COULD LEARN SOMETHING

FROM THE BIRDS AND THE BEES.

MAYBE THEY COULD LEARN SOMETHING FROM US.

IT'S SO NICE TO BE GOING OUT

WITH A REAL MAN AT LAST.

♪ O SOLE MIO... ♪

( radio buzzing )

AAAH! THE KNOBS,

THE FLASHING KNOBS!

THEY ARE DEAD ON TIME.

QUICK, LIFT THE BED.

ARGH!

WILL THIS FLASHING NEVER CEASE?

SHUT UP, YOU OLD BAT.

'ALLO, LONDON, 'ALLO, LONDON. THIS IS NIGHTHAWK.

WHAT IS YOUR MESSAGE? OVER.

Man: We will be looking out for the two seabirds

from midnight onwards.

Is everything okay? Over.

WELL, APART FROM THE FACT THAT WE HAVE TO ENTERTAIN

HALF THE GERMAN ARMY TO DINNER,

AND THE SEABIRDS HAVE FUSED THEIR FLASHERS,

ALL IS WELL. OVER.

Understood. Over and out.

AS SOON AS THE GERMANS HAVE GONE,

WE WILL ROLL THE BARRELS DOWN TO THE RIVER.

ARGH.

WHAT IS HAPPENING, FANNY?

HAVE I MISSED ANYTHING?

SOME OLD BIRD'S FLASHER

HAS BEEN FUSED.

IT WAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

Flick: CAN YOU SEE THEM, VON SMALLHAUSEN?

YES, HERR FLICK.

THE ITALIAN HAS PUT HIS JACKET

DOWN ON THE GRASS,

AND HAS TAKEN OUT A SANDWICH.

AND HELGA?

SHE SITS NEXT TO HIM.

THE TROLLOP.

SHE IS TRYING TO MAKE YOU JEALOUS, HERR FLICK.

I AM AWARE OF THIS.

FORTUNATELY, I HAVE IT UNDER CONTROL.

( knuckles crack )

PERHAPS YOU SHOULD MAKE HER JEALOUS OF YOU,

THEN SHE MIGHT HELP YOU GET BACK THE PAINTING.

THE IDEA HAS ALREADY

GERMINATED IN MY BRAIN.

TONIGHT, WE SHALL GO TO CAFE RENE

IN OUR GLAD RAGS,

IN ORDER TO CHAT UP THE WAITRESSES.

THAT SHOULD HAVE HER HOPPING UP AND DOWN.

Von Smallhausen: THE ITAI IS PUTTING

HIS ARMS ROUND HER.

THE OILY WOP.

HIS FEATHERS ARE QUIVERING.

Bertorelli: I THINK SOMEONE IS SPYING ON US UP A TREE.

I CERTAINLY HOPE SO. NOW KISS ME ON THE CHEEK,

AND TRY NOT TO GET YOUR FEATHERS UP MY NOSE.

Von Smallhausen: HE IS KISSING HER.

I CANNOT BEAR TO WATCH.

JUST AS WELL.

ON THE OTHER HAND,

I CANNOT BEAR THE SUSPENSE.

AAA-ARGH!

HERR GENERAL, WHAT AN HONOR.

I HAVE RESERVED OUR BEST TABLE FOR YOU.

OF COURSE YOU HAVE.

IS THE PHOTOGRAPHER READY TO RECORD US ENJOYING OURSELVES?

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE, AT YOUR SERVICE, SIR.

HE HAS HIS CAMERA AND THREE FOOT STAND.

I THINK IT BEST YOU TAKE A PHOTOGRAPH

AT THE APPROPRIATE MOMENT.

HELGA, I WILL SIT NEXT TO YOU.

CAPTAIN BERTORELLI, YOU WILL SIT OPPOSITE.

REMEMBER TO SMILE AT THE PEASANTS,

TO SHOW HOW WELL WE GET ON WITH THEM.

FOOD AND WINE. NOTHING SPECIAL.

WE WILL EAT WHAT THE PEASANTS EAT.

WE WILL DRINK WHAT THE PEASANTS DRINK.

YES, GENERAL, WE HAVE A SPECIAL DISH, TYPICAL OF OUR REGION.

NOW.

I LOVE THE FRENCH FOOD.

I SMELL THE SMELL AND MY STOMACH,

IT GOES MAD.

AH, SNAILS.

SNAILS HAVE NEVER BEEN MY FAVORITE DISH.

WE WILL ENJOY THEM.

THEY ARE VERY LIGHTLY COOKED

WITH GARLIC AND WHITE WINE.

SOME OF THEM MORE LIGHTLY COOKED THAN OTHERS.

THIS ONE APPEARS RELUCTANT TO BE EATEN.

PERHAPS HE IS FEELING UNWELL

AND DID NOT WISH TO UPSET YOUR STOMACH.

I WILL RETURN IT TO THE GARDEN.

I SEE THE TWO WAITRESSES, HERR FLICK.

WE WILL KNOCK THEM DEAD IN THESE CLOTHES.

I WILL FONDLE ONE ON MY KNEE,

AND HELGA WILL GO MAD WITH JEALOUSY.

IT WILL MAKE ME HOT UNDER THE COLLAR.

WE WILL TAKE THIS TABLE.

HAVE YOU CHECKED UP ON THE--

ON THE MANUAL, HERR FLICK?

I HAVE IT HERE.

WAITRESS.

WAITRESS.

WHAT IS ALL THIS?

IF YOU REQUIRE A DRINK,

PUT YOUR HAND UP AND WAIT.

I'M SO SORRY.

IT'S HERR FLICK.

IGNORE HIM.

TELL ME, WHAT IS A DUMPY GIRL LIKE YOU,

DOING IN A NICE PLACE LIKE THIS?

PARDON?

WHY DO YOU NOT COME BACK TO MY PLACE

AND I WILL SHOW YOU A GOOD TIME, BABY.

GET FRESH WITH ME, PAL,

AND I'LL SLIT YOUR THROAT.

PLAYING HARD TO GET.

EITHER MY TECHNIQUE NEEDS POLISHING,

OR THE AUTHOR NEEDS TO BE SHOT.

LANDLORD, WE ARE READY FOR THE ENTERTAINMENT.

IS THE CAMERA STANDING BY?

I AM STANDING BY, MONSIEUR.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

MADAM EDITH WILL SING FOR YOU

IN HER OWN INIMITABLE STYLE.

NOTHING CHANGES.

♪ I'M NAUGHTY BUT NICE ♪

♪ IF YOU WINK AT ME TWICE ♪

♪ I SHALL KNOW THAT YOU'RE MY KIND OF CHAP ♪

♪ IF YOU GIVE ME A NOD ♪

♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE HERE ON YOUR TOD ♪

♪ I'LL COME AND SIT ON YOUR LAP... ♪

NOBODY MOVE.

♪ I'M NAUGHTY IT'S TRUE ♪

♪ BUT I BET SO ARE YOU ♪

♪ HANDS UP THOSE WHO WANT TO BE KISSED ♪

♪ IF YOU DON'T TRY, YOU COULD VERY WELL DIE ♪

♪ NEVER KNOWING JUST WHAT YOU HAD MISSED ♪

♪ I'M NAUGHTY, YOU SEE ♪

♪ AND IF YOU STARE AT ME ♪

♪ I SHALL HAVE TO PICK YOU FOR A DATE ♪

♪ I CAN TELL YOU'RE ALL KEEN ♪

♪ BUT I'M GOING TO BE MEAN ♪

♪ I'M AFRAID YOU WILL ♪

♪ JUST HAVE TO ♪

♪ WAIT. ♪

( silence )

THAT WAS A NARROW SQUEAK.

THE PHOTOGRAPH WILL NOW BE TAKEN OF US ALL

ENJOYING THIS RELENTLESS ATTACK ON OUR EARDRUMS.

I AM READY, GENERAL.

CAPTAIN BERTORELLI,

I MUST NOT BE OUT-MEDALED IN A PICTURE.

YOU, RESUME YOUR SINGING POSE.

WE WILL PRETEND TO GAZE IN RAPTURE.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO POP A SNAIL INTO YOUR MOUTH,

TO SHOW HOW MUCH YOU HAVE ENJOYED THE MEAL?

NO, BUT, ER,

GRUBER CAN.

ENJOY IT, GRUBER, ENJOY IT.

YES, BUT HE KEEPS WIGGLING

ONE OF HIS LITTLE THINGS AT ME.

General: THAT JUST GOES TO SHOW HOW POPULAR YOU ARE.

SHALL WE TRY THE OTHER WAITRESS,

HERR FLICK?

YES. I THINK THIS TIME,

THE MORE DIRECT APPROACH IS REQUIRED.

PEASANT WOMEN DO NOT APPRECIATE THE SUBTLE ADVANCE.

NOW, MY FINE FILLY,

YOU LOOK LIKE A GIRL WHO ENJOYS

A BIT OF A TICKLE AND A SLAP.

OH!

OH!

WHAT IS GOING ON?

IT'S HERR FLICK.

HE SLAPPED THE WAITRESS' BOTTOM.

HE'S MAKING A BAD IMPRESSION.

THIS IS DISGRACEFUL.

WE CANNOT HAVE GERMANS BEHAVING IN THIS WAY.

GUARDS, THROW THE TWO PERVERTS OUT.

YOU CANNOT DO THIS.

WE ARE THE GESTAPO.

General: MOLESTING PEASANT GIRLS

IS A PASTIME RESERVED ONLY FOR GENERALS.

THIS IS THE LAST TIME

I GO OUT WOMANIZING

WITH YOU, VON SMALLHAUSEN.

I AM SORRY ABOUT THIS, GENERAL.

I HOPE IT HASN'T RUINED YOUR EVENING.

ON THE CONTRARY,

EJECTING NASTY GESTAPO FELLOWS

HAS QUITE MADE MY NIGHT.

General: NOW HOLD THOSE POSES.

WE ARE READY FOR THE PHOTO.

SMILE.

HURRY UP, I'M RUNNING OUT OF SINCERITY.

GOT IT. AND--

I HAVE GOT IT. IT IS A GOOD ONE.

I WILL DEVELOP IT.

GOOD. CHEERS.

MY WORD, THIS IS A REALLY EXCELLENT VINTAGE.

JUST A LOCAL WINE FROM OUR CELLAR, GENERAL.

OH, SHOW ME.

COME, LET US GO AND SEE

THIS TREASURE-TROVE.

YES, OF COURSE, GEN--

YOU MUST TAKE A BOTTLE OR TWO HOME WITH YOU.

COME THIS WAY.

EDITH.

HEY,

NOW WE GOT RID OF VON KLINKYHOFFEN,

WHAT SAY WE TAKE ANOTHER STROLL

IN THE MOONLIGHT?

THERE IS A TIME AND A PLACE FOR EVERYTHING.

IS THIS THE TIME?

WHAT A MISTAKE TO MAKE.

GENERAL.

MMM, INTERESTING.

THIS IS TRULY INCREDIBLE.

A '26 CLARET.

A PARTICULARLY GOOD YEAR.

AND TWO BARRELS OF IT.

YOU DO NOT WANT THE OLD STUFF, GENERAL.

THE WINE YOU LIKE IS OVER HERE.

TAKE IT ALL.

NONSENSE.

THIS IS FAR TOO GOOD

TO BE WASTED IN A PEASANT CAFE.

SEE TO IT THAT WE TAKE BOTH BARRELS

WITH US WHEN WE LEAVE.

THEN WE SHALL KEEP IT FOR SOME SPECIAL OCCASION.

HOW ABOUT WHEN THE WAR IS OVER?

WHEN YOU HAVE WON IT, THAT IS.

WELL DONE, RENE.

YOU HAVE PUT HIM IN A GOOD MOOD.

RENE, WE MUST WARN THE AIRMEN.

HOW CAN WE? WE DO NOT SPEAK ENGLISH.

AND THEY DO NOT SPEAK FRENCH.

OH, RENE, WHAT CAN WE DO?

- HELLO. - HELLO.

Fairfax: OH, GOOD.

I THINK HE'S SAYING WE'RE LEAVING.

CHEERIO.

CHEERIO.

WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

ASK MICHELLE FOR TWO MORE BARRELS,

SO WE CAN ESCAPE AS WELL.

( theme music playing )