Original subtitles

you

Chris Chris

oh hello i strong young Christmas going

to propose to me so top son um I can't

really who you call me back when you a

better reception

I never wanted to get married I mean I

had nothing against it per se it's just

it was never a fantasy of mine and no my

parents aren't divorced and I'm not

emotionally damaged I grew up in a

crowded apartment in Brooklyn that's mom

grandma dad and me I always had the

nagging sense that life was short and I

really wanted to be somebody

preferably someone who died tragically

young leaving behind a trail of grieving

fans and lovers I just can't believe it

oh yeah this is a good thing I know I

know it's just I don't think I'm ready

for this

I'm not waste material look Sonia if

you're really not ready then just go in

there and talk to him he's got a whole

you know what I'll do i I'm just um I'm

gonna tell you yes now and then I'm just

gonna tell him that I'm not ready later

that's a little

I'm sorry I just saw the him and I

panicked

not panicked but I freaked out

we would relate maybe I'm so sorry I'm

sorry

hi Chris is me I'm so sorry

we we please call me when you can

I love you thank you

you know it's so beautiful around here

poppies are expensive I like them from

your wedding

Nora what I'm pregnant and a bride these

are my best friends we all went to high

school together when we were younger

romance seemed simple all you had to do

was become a gorgeous independent

prostitute and the rest would fall into

place in college it turned out it wasn't

PC to want to be a prostitute even one

with as much self-respect as Julia

Roberts so we you reshaped our

priorities like the ladies of Sex in the

City we too were going to make the most

of our 20s and 30s but it turned out to

be pretty hard juggling our budding

careers in a social life

and soon we all had boyfriends and then

suddenly we married a guy whose 40th

birthday she'd organized for her party

planning firm he designed it and I

married a guy from her yoga studio it's

just a placeholder until he can afford

the real one

Nora's fiance mark was a friend of

Chris's and we'd introduce them only six

months earlier until we were at least 30

to get married we are 30 he'll call

hello son mark did you talk to Chris

yeah beyond

and he's fucked up this is fucked up

what oh yeah he says to tell her to put

out the candles okay I love you to keep

buying what do you say

he told mark to remind you to put out

the candles oh that's it he said he's

sounding pretty broken up God we put

into a coma

thank you no no come on no no no no I

don't I don't know come on oh oh it's

cool I didn't like those anyways sorry

back side two forward three side for how

do you know how to do this mark and I

started a ballroom dancing club at

college to make girls one girl signed up

been about seven other dudes so we

mostly just danced with each other oh my

god I can't believe you had to start a

dance club to meet girls hey Mark

yeah but you wait really

all right

you know we talked about before I told

you that I wasn't really ready that was

a year ago well we hadn't really talked

about it since then you know I guess I

just wanted to surprise you

I thought you said it was stupid when

people talked all about it and when you

picked out the ring together and just

acted like it was a big surprise yeah

sorry that wasn't it no yesterday no

what she just needs some time to think

about it yeah Donny great is that it's

okay sure

I gotta go to my be like oh there I'm

sorry I'm such an asshole

it's okay

probably gonna die few years younger now

been proposed to I've been proposed to

I've been I've been proposed to and just

left out every doubt I ever had about

marriage floated up in my brain like

when people fish with a dynamite

I worried Chris and I weren't compatible

enough amazing the way they like sees

their fate and they just really did

their thing the dot but would you rather

you know I have to I worried well

frankly recently I worried we didn't

have enough sex or the right kind of sex

I think that's too sheer

and three I always thought that by the

time I got married I would be different

better you like a real woman more

accomplished cleaner bolder you like

her

who was I kidding

I mean just look at her

she's probably wearing a lady bra not a

sports bra that gives her one flat

uniboob

she probably had a light gluten-free

breakfast

she's obviously traveled all over

have loads of lovers this is where I

work we write music for commercials you

know like Nabisco but also just

background music that you wouldn't

necessarily notice I try and compose as

much as I can but my actual job is

assisting the other composers warning hi

I just need that's my boss back this

Macy's Christmas sale

already oh and I put you on the baby

wash job

is your pile and this is so great huh

thank you so much you or yours too

genius at this yeah you are no seriously

this is like the most amazing composing

website I've ever seen well I hope that

you know what you wanted oh no was it

was I a Hitler client oh oh we're not

Hitler

maybe Mussolini oh um well let me get

you your check hey would you maybe you

want to get a drink oh I would love to

but I'm in this complicated thing

understood yeah no I'm sorry I'm so

sorry I'm sorry that was inappropriate I

guess thanks and good luck on everything

seriously gonna be huge thank you why

did you say no you said no ladies

there's nothing complicated about it

Zack just uses you when he's lonely okay

so remember my boss Zack he wasn't

always just my boss

in my defense Zack was a really talented

musician plus he traveled all over and

had these amazing stories like the time

you saved a little Indian boy from a

snakebite and was given this sitar and

gratitude

I'm so embarrassed

you should not be best I thought it was

great well I've never seen anything like

yeah cuz it was terrible

no I thought it was interesting and I

thought your music was terrific really

yeah absolutely I thought I made the

film you really think that mm-hmm ha 2

percent you know I'm kind of proud of it

too because this director had pushed me

this really some modern bla direction

you know it's us all scariest sounds and

there was no actual music music but I

was just I really wanted it to have an

old-fashioned theme driven vibe you know

like like Hitchcock is gonna say that

really yeah

this felt like how did the theme every

time the shark came around yeah yeah my

my butternut what no no no I just like I

can't say you can't I can't yeah I don't

it makes me very self-conscious singing

dancing oh wow you're a lot of fun yeah

yeah everyone at work makes fun of me

for that but I just I cannot do it it

makes me feel naked so what about

singing in the shower well there I'm

already naked

so

my place or yours just kidding but do

you want to go over something that

always confused me in romantic movies is

I'll go freshen up what are they doing

there am i doing a wrong thing back i

bet to tell you really look really

pretty today oh mercy um do you want to

see my studio Wow

like a real studio yeah pretty much I've

been saving up all year and I just

soundproof my window Hey

Wow yeah

I could murder you no one would hear it

Wow what a really nice booth

thank you I've been told by anyone

special sorry something fell out of you

you okay

oh boy so um obviously we should still

use a condom yeah yeah not that you

don't seem a disease I know it was

actually is actually you that I was

worried about I was gonna say we should

use to safety in numbers

driver pigs yeah I know but shouldn't we

be listening to Mozart or something for

the baby yeah if you on your baby to be

like a weird overachieving little freak

better that than a granola lesbian

dude I can't believe this whole place is

yours

I know it's actually the smallest house

in the neighborhood the real estate

market just ass raped us speaking of

which did Nora tell you Mars happen

what come on I want to show you inside

I'm sorry it was an accident her belly

has me all disoriented this is the

dining room

no the kitchen did you think we're like

total sellouts first law school now this

no no no it's just so no no I know yeah

look how clean it is

it really is impressively clean it was

dumb man I should have told people

before him everybody at work looks at me

like I have cancer fuck so now what I

don't know guess she's thinking about it

well either way man I'm sure it's not

you like if she says no she would have

said no to any guy what do you mean well

I'm not saying she's a lesbian look I'm

no expert but most girls are dying for

this shit like Nora begged me to marry

her and she was a lesbian she begged you

yeah dude

begged Sonja's different right well

that's what I'm trying to say just maybe

resolve this sooner than later because

you don't want to stick around for

another two years if she's not gonna

marry you

Oh Oh Chris can help me dig out that

stump why do you need to dig out his

tongue because that's where we're gonna

bury learn things foreskin it's a Jewish

tradition no we are not butchering baby

Eli

Bing

Bing as in like Chandler Bing no Crosby

I just need a little time you know I

still feel like I need to UM make it

evolve Oh more you know I you know like

in general and you know at work too but

I also was thinking that maybe you know

we could work on some stuff get spice

things up a little bit

how much time do you think you'll need I

don't know because the uncertainty is

kind of killing me it's not really that

uncertain it was not uncertain that we

just set a date for our engagement for

my month or two there two months or two

three what if I need six months what if

I don't know how long I'm gonna need

Chris and maybe we shouldn't

be together

you gonna break up with me if I don't

know if I don't give you a date to get

engaged by but you don't get it I love

you and I want to be with you forever I

think you're perfect I don't think you

need to evolve and I think we're great

too and if you don't then maybe you just

want different things we always will

can I at least have a few days to think

about this is so crazy

women give men all tomatoes all the time

and maybe he's right and me were I think

two different you guys love each other

as much as any couple I know and before

all this you guys were doing green right

did you email about Google I don't think

I want to why you said that that's every

nerd stream job why no I'm I'm planning

my job here this is your career this is

your whole life you don't want to just

be fine with it

you're so great at what you do you you

you should pursue this maybe why are you

getting so worked up about this because

you're just you're like this with

everything it's like you're you're okay

with everything just being okay why

shouldn't I be because okay is like it's

you know it's like settling for seven

out of ten seven is great seven is it's

that's barely passing if you could if

you get below a 70 on a test you fail

you only live once and you should at

least try to have everything in your

life Peyton that's crazy that's not

crazy why is that crazy I think you're a

ten I think you're more than a 10 you do

of course I do

why what do you think I am I think we

just grade differently I'm sorry okay I

think you're ten can we please just

forget it

I'm fine look see this this is where I

live right like a really great day it's

like a seven okay

like the day my dad died it's probably a

two and I just I live right in there

you know I think you're amazing yes I've

never met anybody you like you I think

that's one of the reasons that I don't

really care about the job thing is

because I'm so happy with you

plus it's in San Francisco you love New

York you know but if you love it we

could figure something out you know

they still mad at me no no we're just

gonna get a little work done

we will tomorrow okay oh that's how my

grandma used to kiss me yeah but what

does that mean exactly not all the time

we haven't done it in nine months

seriously not since the baby

breastfeeding comes wanna try vagina

whoa anyway you really can't compare

like that yeah I know that's everybody

but how else am I supposed to gauge

what's acceptable

well Krista's behavior certainly isn't

acceptable I don't know I I think that

he made some fair points

he doesn't cave you should definitely

get to keep the place what do you mean

well you're not gonna let him extort a

yes out of you are you it's not

extortion an ultimatum is an acceptable

form of negotiation extortion is illegal

what oh I can't think straight you

should talk to him

I'm Laura we read the same train right

yes

Sonia what you get just some underwear

I'm Way behind on my laundry oh me too

did you see there's a sale on cosa

Bella's oh I've never tried the whole

song thing oh you know I used to be like

that too but they're actually totally

comfortable and much more flattering

than you would think and you can't see

them not even through us or wrong I

travel a lot for work you dreamt of

being a princess now you have a little

princess of your own and we understand

that keeping her clean and healthy is

the most important thing to you that's

why all our products are made from the

purest organic ingredients with no

artificial or chemical additives

hi Zack hi

Judah see Sonya yeah so for me

oh we were flower shopping for Nora's

wedding and they gave us some free

sample it was so much fun it made me

want to get married again sorry it's

okay it's not like I have a disease

smell this one Wow

that's what I said he said it's too

strong I told you it's different when

there's one at every table Sonya yeah

are you wearing a thong no yes you are

okay please don't laugh at me I have

thongs no I know I bet I didn't until

yesterday and then I picked up the wrong

bag so I told my friends about the woman

from the Train and how I'd always

fantasized that by the time I got

married I'd be more like her I told them

that I couldn't imagine saying yes to

Kristen arrow given our different

expectations of life and the flow of and

that if this meant he was going to dump

me maybe that didn't have to be so

terrible maybe it could even be an

opportunity to explore and grow maybe

even do some traveling like that lady

who wrote Eat Pray Love then do it

oh I have a promotional voucher with

virgin we could get you a ticket half

off I think it's good for anywhere over

the Atlantic so where would you ideally

want to go well can we wait wait wait I

don't what

but it's okay if Chris backs out we can

just reclaim the voucher yes no he's not

gonna back out he won't even speak to me

yeah okay yeah I'll take a few days off

okay

so where'd you could go to India like

scheana Oh Paris Rome you look up the

breed CEO

so I guess this is goodbye

he's a sadness you are lesbian because

when I first see you I like you very

much hey hi

what's that it's night in America for

you

I'm really sorry um I can't be engaged

right now so just let me finish it okay

cuz I actually think that it's okay

you know because I think the ultimatum

made me realize that we want different

things at least right now so I bought

this ticket and I'm gonna go to Rome and

do something bold for once and well you

saying you don't want to be together at

all though didn't you say that we I

write we either get engaged no yeah am i

right

right um that a great time on your trip

wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait

wait I came here to tell you I want to

be with you no matter what wait wait

wait what oh don't you ever feel like

you haven't really lived I feel like I

was waiting for you to start

ciao Mickey Mouse Sonia Friedman

so yeah Wow how are you this is so nuts

nuts I don't know we have a work

emergency maybe you help okay yeah yeah

this is my brother

ciao no no no sure personal problem we

do travel guides oh you're missing an H

hip-stir hip-stir hip-stir hip-stir for

roma

hipster Milan its hipster hipster signal

mallet Thank You Audrey and Roman

holiday yeah

maybe her lesbian cousin hello I need C

omelet mm-hmm walk around a little bit

yeah

and not so much robotic grazie TV show

okay

and I Love Lucy hey Captain Hook walking

do their walking dead yeah really

stabbing I don't know anything

I'm Amanda Knox Smurfs the Smurfs girl

Marilyn Monroe oh hey Jimi Hendrix no

Kurt Cobain I don't know it's Audrey

Hepburn in Roman holiday ah si si si si

pretty woman

Hitler a Fawlty Towers

Charlie Chaplin yes miles daily

honorable Lecter the Bible

Adam and Eve gone with the wind

I'm good

sorry sorry sorry sorry I don't think he

knows uh I just I almost just gotten

engaged and I don't I don't think I'm

ready for this I'm sorry oh I I've never

done the whole a groom your privates

thing oh my god seriously I can't

believe I'm letting you do this no more

with you have you done this before my

family old gobblers

the piache hmm great yeah offer me candy

and then asked me to get your van you

know like an after-school special like a

child molester ah si si si no we don't

have those in Italy is a free society

more open not so comes to nature repress

we love who we love

that just sounds like it's okay to be a

child molester in Italy I kiss you know

we kiss already know uh you say the rest

of our marriage okay

Bella Sonia I had to go and take some

money and phone I pay you back

I'm almost married - and we have baby

soon I promised her rain but never have

enough money please forgive me

and remember I like you always Pablito

I really miss you guys so um this thing

is I think I just got robbed

I mean I know that I did

hello hello all right

yeah hi yeah

oh I know it's it's the TV are you all

right yeah I'm fine I just uh I was an

idiot and I got robbed but when in Rome

yeah okay physically yeah no totally

Bologna Chris

a beyond our own personal security is a

turbulent ankle I probably mention

peyote volta sequester from teen juan

serrano in 2000 when I taught a villain

Tata Sperry mo petrochemical founders

so it wasn't amazing um amazing no but

I'm glad I went I guess why didn't you

take your clothes off it was just to

give him an idea

okay well I'll have to do something

about this but I think you look gorgeous

it's beautiful it's beautiful I don't

know I just don't feel like it's me

honey you would be a burlap sack yes

that's what I was talking about when I

said I wanted something more canvas II

Kemba see wait are you talking about

linen yes lady you know

linen is what you wear to a beach party

it's casual at wrinkles so casual is

good please why can't we just make this

whole wedding thing more homey

okay I'll see what I can do

we're still living with you guys

I see these

why don't you come for dinner

would be the point point would be to

have dinner

just think about it okay

hey I'm gonna head out are you okay Tara

left me for good this time oh man I'm so

sorry oh listen I need you to do me a

favor I need to get out of here I'm a

mess

can you just throw something together

for me for that sneaker thing oh well

actually I I have a dinner

it may take you long you just got back

from vacation your rocket I know it

you've run

you swim

you climb

you fight

you fall you get up and you do it all

again because you are a woman

okay they've been going on for about

21st century and you carry hi gran hides

happen hi God Gary is the Midwife fit us

no actually that's funny just can say

Midwife means with woman said he could

be a man or a woman okay I'm a man he

doesn't understand he just doesn't

respect my opinion oh come on sure he

does oh I did all this homework I did

all this research I mean Gary is the

seventh weighted Midwife in the

tri-state area

actually it's six now well everything

looks great I think we got it I think we

got a good one coming so nice to meet

you nice to meet you too Gary Nora take

care I will see you soon

yes thanks Gary all right stay cool okay

you know hey what if Mark and I just

rushed into this I mean we hardly know

each other

you guys are amazing together you won't

even talk to Gary he won't listen you

will I think he's just scared scared a

foot you know guys they get squeamish

and you know scared about stuff that

they don't know about he did tell me

that he had a dream that Gary ate the

baby oh did you see Chris yeah and I

feel like I'm intruding you told him was

coming right you're not interrupting you

didn't tell them I don't mean to tell

him he wants to see you I know he wants

to see you and this is

house where's mark bathroom house true

I'm sorry my best

thanks you guys hey did Chris tell you

that he's been teaching me to dance I

want to surprise mark for the wedding

you want to show her sure okay it's

really hard okay yeah

one two not as impressive if you count

out loud oh oh yeah you're you're going

to soon Oh awesome

we're gonna eat or what I uh I'm gonna

take off going oh you're you're not

gonna stay for dinner no sorry I gotta

go

I did I'm so sorry I I should have told

him you were coming I guess we caught

him off guard but I know he wants to see

you okay

shut up mark

I'm totally stuffed down with the

spanner table

like John

it's crazy we're over here

Oh so on

we're doing the seating chart at Nora's

and Chris was there he hasn't just

broken up so I didn't want to sit with

me it was okay you know

why would II um I'm gonna get my music

hey hey hey hey I'm sure he would love

to sit with you if he knew you wanted to

you won't even look at me he proposed

you three weeks ago he loves you

you're being loony listen to me

seriously he's got to talk to him

Jonathan is with him right now hi hi I'm

Katie I went to college with mark and

Chris hi Sonia I was just going to show

Chris my kid anyway so I literally feel

like I haven't slept in two and a half

years I swear before I hear these

stories about people throwing their

babies in the garbage and whatever and I

thought

animals but now I can understand I mean

I wouldn't obviously but do either of

you have kids no no mmm they're great

well I'm gonna get another drink

you guys want anything no thank you

that kid looked a little like the devil

grant I wasn't really good to see you

the other night Chris we need you for

pictures Lee we please hold on to sit

with you tonight after dinner part they

seated us at different tables but I

really want to sit with you

I really miss you

to have to talk to you

nope good I promise to love you take

care of you

put up with you and never to watch TV

shows without you and then pretend I

haven't seen them Nora I what she said

everything she said is what I think do

well folks there you have it mark

Nora and now pronounce you husband and

wife mark may kiss the bride

so we get in tomorrow and Lee said that

right away they greet us would like this

crazy spread oh did she tell you how

we're gonna be rich no I have a great

idea it's genius three ounce lube till

death do us part

come no i'm see this is a serious idea

okay if you you can get shampoo you can

get lotion you can get all that stuff in

a travel-size

you can't find travel-size lube anywhere

I spent all morning with an eyedropper

filling a bunch of containers of it

mm-hmm

that's really what he did yeah

Chris I'm so sorry for everything so

you had a horrible tonight and it's safe

to say it's the worst decision you've

ever made

do you still love me of course I still

love you you moron

yes dude our songs coming on next

okay I got some catching up to do girls

okay was mark yesterday so cute adorable

your speech was really good Beatrice

hello no sim

oh wow you know absolutely that sounds

great

yeah no I'll get back to you by Monday

thank you great how's that I got the

Google job

my god I didn't even know you applied oh

I'm so proud of you my son

it's just what about us don't figure

something out we could see each other on

weekends um we could meet in the middle

eventually you can get a transfer the

New York office you know we'll figure it

out I don't want to be in a

long-distance relationship I'm 32

honestly I'd rather just not take the

job

you can't not take the job why rather

use you this is a once in a lifetime

opportunity

you can't not take the job what are you

doing don't you see we're headed right

back to where we started because I'm

pushing you with this job thing I want

you to be happy I want you fulfill your

potential make me happy and you know

exactly what that is

wait wait wait wait wait what um to the

idea amenable yeah Sonya amenable people

are amenable to paying taxes I don't

want you to do this for me what I can't

help it if your fantasy isn't mine

marriage isn't a fantasy it's what

normal people do okay well I'm sorry I'm

not normal enough for you I don't want

to tell you I loved it you know

look we've given this more than a fair

chance so obviously it's just not gonna

work

stars are just like you and me

I guess that's possible

you

wait wait so it wasn't the coach it was

the stepfather

oh yeah

we finally heard back from Athletica

okay they love your track seriously like

lost their shit loved it wow that's

great

awesome it's more than awesome c'mon

let's go celebrate can take a rain check

I'm not I'm not feeling very well oh

come on let's go drown our sorrows on

the Athletica tab who's the boss huh

okay

Nirvana's front end

I always thought I'd be dead by 30

instead Here I am almost 40 and writing

jingles you know you could look on the

bright side what's that

you're not dense oh all the coolest guys

died young James Dean Jimmy Hendrix Jim

Morrison I guess Jim Morrison always

seems kind of lame to me what yeah and

do you think any of those guys were ever

happy happy who's ever happy seriously

when was the last time you were happy

I was trying to decide whether to equip

my food blog or go to law school version

of yourself get in the way of what you

really want to do makes you happy mark

and it's ok if I want to have a job

where I make enough money to oh he's

here uh mark could you give me Chris's

address can you hear me

man's word is his bond come on mark mark

I need Chris's address and I know that

you don't trust me right now but I have

to see how much I want to tell him that

I want to marry him

are you going to propose yeah I heard

her I heard it but I don't have the

address

in Pennsylvania it says grandma's

birthday or something okay calm down

no I I think the baby's coming

what what holy shit I'm gonna get the

bad peaceful environment sure come with

you no absolutely not you go do what you

need to do I want this baby to have a

whole set of godparents

hey Sonia hey oh god are you I saw your

ball don't worry about it I brought it

before where you headed Harrisburg I got

a visit the my friend how are you I sell

medical supplies so um I'm doing the

Philly hospitals this week

hey is the baby here no but sewn chris

is here what chris is here Marc put

something up on Facebook

sir I'm really sorry but I have to get

off the bus and please take your seat

please sir this is an emergency I can't

stop the bus now is to get too long okay

sir ma'am please take your seat please

okay my boyfriend my ex-boyfriend I'm

gonna propose to him that's why I'm on

the bus your boyfriend be the one doing

the propose he tried and you said no yep

sort of so I just early drink know how

he hit you what no no no God we setting

the bar little low here so what was the

problem I don't know I just didn't know

what I wanted to do is my life yeah

when I was young I wanted to be a poet

hi hi say hello to baby am i don't do

his friends it has been a lie Bing

Gessler don't hold him yeah should I

wash my hands first

very very so handsome I know I can't

believe we made him his head is like a

little a little change oh my god pot we

smoked before realizing our I was

pregnant well I'm not sure then it's

it's supposed to change it'll definitely

change okay all right I gotta get going

guys

are you leaving congratulations buddy

Chris wait Chris what I know I'm

probably way too late and I know you

have a whole other life going

but I have to tell you something I

screwed up really badly and I'm so sorry

son you have nothing to be sorry about

you can't do anything we're all plus I

don't want to go there there's no point

if there's a point there's there's a

huge point okay please can I just show

you this one thing he'll take one minute

and then I swear I will never bother you

again

okay

there is no sound um there was there

supposed to be a song it had to be you

it had to be you I've wandered around

and finally found somebody who could

make me be true could make me be boo

make me be sad or even be glad thinking

of you some some some others I've seen

might never be me why never be cross or

try to be boss but they wouldn't do it

really do all this for me

I'm sorry I push the marriage thing on

you I don't have to get married

seriously will you marry me of course I

will

you