All language subtitles for How.I.Met.Your.Mother.S03E06.720p.HDTV.X264-MRSK

It was a quiet November
afternoon in 2007.

I was working from home,
because, you know, no distractions.

- This is incredible! I have big news.
- Oh, my God! I can't believe it!

- I have big news.
- Oh, my God!

Okay, my thing's pretty huge.
But fine, you can go first.

Okay, I just found out...

I found a porno starring Ted Mosby!

What are you...
what are talking about?

I'm talking about
Welcome to the Sex Plane,

and look who plays
the navigator, Ted Mosby.

It's the same exact spelling
as my name.

Okay, you know, cute coincidence,
Barney. Whatever.

I just got off the phone
with the NR...

Oh, my God, this totally explains
the thing at my doctor's the other day.

Open wide.

I guess you're more used to saying that
than hearing it, huh, Ted Mosby?

Who is this guy?

And why's my doctor
watching porn?

All right, let's meet
your new doppelganger.

Or should I say doppelbanger?

Guys, guys, guys! Can I tell you
my news? It's pretty...

This is really bizarre.

The only other famous
Mosby I know was

a Confederate general
during the Civil War.

Probably not the same guy.

I got the job
at the NRDC!

You got the job! Oh!

The NRDC, or National
Resources Defense Council,

fought to preserve
America's clean water,

fresh air and pristine wilderness.

It was Marshall's dream job.

- Congrats, buddy!
- Thanks.

It's kind of weird hugging
with porn on.

It really is.

Oh! Hey, hey-o!

New guy entering the cockpit.

Could it be the navigator,
Ted Mosby?

Uh... no. No, navigators have
three stripes on their hats.

Captains have four.
That guy's a captain.

Yeah, and I'm sure complete
accuracy in all those details

was very important
to the directors...

"Dirt and Skank,
The Raunch Brothers."

Baby, I have some
exciting news!

I hope it's not that you just
won some sort of race here.

I got the job
at the NRDC!

And I found a porno
starring Ted Mosby!

Oh my God,
that's amazing!

I know, right?

- Oh, congratulations, Marshall!
- Congratulations to us all!

Oh, let's go celebrate!

The fact that I found a porno starring
a guy named Ted Mosby... let's do it!

Oh, is that him?

'Cause that Ted Mosby
really knows what he's doing.

No, that's not him.

What do you mean, "that" Ted Mosby
really knows what he's doing.

Oh, no.
No, I meant,

that Ted Mosby,
he really knows what he's doing.

Like all Ted Mosbys.

Wow, NRDC!
Way to go, Marshall.

But you're still gonna go to your job
interview today, right, baby?

Marshall had an interview at a firm
called Nicholson, Hewitt and West.

They represented, well, pretty much
everybody Marshall was going to sue

once he started at the NRDC.

I'm not doing that interview.
Those people are evil.

Marshall, your dad went through
a lot of trouble to set this up.

You can't just pull out
at the last second.

Apparently you can.

Ted, Ted, Ted, guy in the hat!
Three stripes!

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you
Ted Mosby, porn star.

- Oh.
- Wow.

- Oh!
- Oh.

I know what kind of plane this is.
It's a "Boing."

See. This is way better
than Marshall's internship.

It's a real job.

Who is this guy?

Are we related?

Do, do I look like him?

It's hard to tell.
Go, go like this.

- Oh, yeah, a little bit.
- Yeah.

- More around the eyes.
- Oh, I do see that.

And here's your water,
in case you're dehydrated, Ted Mosby.

Very funny, Wendy.
Now we know you watch porn.

This Ted Mosby must
be getting kind of famous.

You're not wrong.

According to the Web site,
of the far superior Ted Mosby...

he's been in the business three months,
and he's made 125 movies.

Wow.
That's 42 movies a month.

Who is he, Jude Law?

Right? He makes a lot
of movies.

I mean, not so much lately,
but maybe, like,

two years ago, you couldn't go to
a movie without...

Oh, hey, look, check it out.

Ted Mosby did an interview
in Adult Video Weekly.

Adult Video Weekly?

Oh, no.

- Hello?
- Hi, I'm looking for Ted Mosby.

It's Leonard Ross from AVW.

Oh, my God!
AVW?

It's Architecture Vision Weekly!

Wow, I've been reading your
magazine since I was a little kid.

Well, that's a bummer.

Anyway, I'm calling to interview
you about your latest project.

Well, I don't want to say
it's my project.

I mean, I'll be working with
at least three partners.

Oh! Group scene.
Always fun.

Yeah, yeah, I'm really looking
forward to it.

I mean, I know they're gonna ride me
pretty hard but they're great guys.

Guys? Whoa, there's a scoop.

That interview went on
for 20 more minutes.

"This project was so demanding,

"I can't tell you how many nights
I spent bent over a table."

Oh, hey, baby,
how'd the interview go?

Um, interesting.

There I am in the office
of Jefferson Coatsworth,

and I figure I'm not gonna
take this job anyway,

I might as well give this old bastard
a piece of my mind.

Jefferson Coatsworth
wasn't what I expected.

Marshall,

Jeff Coatsworth.

Hello.

Dude, I am so, so psyched
that you're here.

Can I beer ya?

Marshall was thrown.

This guy seemed nice.

Of course, he wasn't.

- Sous-titre non traduit -

Go-go to hell!

I'd do it again!

I'm innocent.
I'm innocent.

Marshall,

why do you want to work
at Nicholson, Hewitt & West?

Right, um, okay, Jeff, I've actually
given this a lot of thought...

I'm sorry. Stop.

I can't do this
with a straight face.

You don't want
to work here.

You're only here 'cause your dad
went to high school with Joe Hewitt.

Fact is, you just got
a sweet job at the NRDC.

And it's awome.

Man, I could
have gone the non-profit route.

I didn't.

And it eats me up inside
every day.

I hate myself.

I hate myself.

Oh, he's good.

Classic seduction technique.

- What do you mean?
- Oh, I use it all the time.

First I buy her,
and by her I mean you, a drink.

Now, I'm the guy
who gets her what she wants.

Then I pretend to care about whatever
idiotic thing she cares about.

For you, that would be
the environment.

Now, I'm the great
guy who shares her interests.

And before you know it,
you're naked in my apartment

shouting, "Oh, oh,
Bar-r-r-ne-e-ey!"

And by you, I mean her.

He is not trying
to seduce me.

He didn't even
offer me the job.

That comes later.
At dinner.

He did invite you to dinner,
didn't he?

Let me buy you dinner, tomorrow night,
as a thank you ?

Okay? You'll tell me all
about the NRDC,

and we'll charge it all to
one of my evil clients.

- I, you know, I don't know...
- Marshall,

you know what Kobe beef is?

The most expensive beef
in the world.

The place I'm taking
you has Kobe lobster.

That is lobster fed
with Kobe beef.

Oh, my God, he's
trying to seduce me.

So are you gonna go
to dinner with him?

No. No way.
I promised myself to the NRDC.

I'm not that kind of lawyer.

Oh, you should go. I mean,
you're not gonna take the job,

but you might as well get
a great meal out of the deal.

Don't wait up.

Guys, guys, guys,
check this out.

Ted Mosby porn star's bio
says his hometown is your hometown.

Shaker Heights, Ohio.

What?

Okay, this is getting creepy.
Who, who is this guy?

I gotta find him.

Well, it's your lucky day. He's gonna be
signing autographs tomorrow night

in Manhattan at something called
the Adult Video Expo.

Wait. Are you telling me that they
actually have conventions for porn?

Affirmative.
Or to put it another way...

God bless America.

You can really taste the beef
in that lobster.

Right.

Listen,

I know we're only here to screw over my
client, who quite frankly deserves it...

but I gotta be able to tell the guys
upstairs I gave you the spiel, okay?

So, first up,

- starting salary.
- Okay.

Here we go.

This is the big number that's supposed
to impress me and... Wow.

That is a... Big number.

There's also a signing bonus,

use of a company car,
expense account, blah blah blah.

Hey, by the way, turn around
and wave to Patrick Swayze. Hey.

I'm going to, uh,
try to remain cool.

But you know Patrick Swayze?!

He's a client.

Who do you think bought us
this wine. Crazy Swayze.

Cheers, buddy.

Okay. No. Jeff, this is all
very impressive,

- but I just don't think that...
- Listen, I know, I know.

You're not gonna be tempted by
big numbers and fancy perks.

You're gonna
do the noble thing,

take the low-paying job
at the NRDC,

live off your family money.

Family money?

You do have family money,
don't you?

No, um, not that I know of.

I do have an uncle who owns a,
a pretty successful bait shop.

NRDC.
No family money.

Oh. So you don't plan on
having kids?

Actually, I,
I want to have four kids.

Well...

New York public schools make
a lot of parents nervous,

but the kids who walk out,

walk out proud.

It was turning into
a tough decision.

Now, kids, when I'm facing
a tough decision

I like to get out
the old yellow legal pad

make a list of pros and cons.

Marshall new all the cons,

but there was one thing
he didn't know,

a big item in the pros column.

- Lily, you're a kindergarten teacher.
- Yeah.

'Cause Robin was about to ask
Lily the one question...

An-And you make a kindergarten
teacher's salary, right?

Yeah.

...that Lily had been dreading
for years.

How do you afford all
of these expensive clothes?

I shop the sales.

They were in the closet
when we moved in.

I steal.
I'm a criminal.

I once shot a man
just to watch him die.

- Lily?
- Okay.

That's when Lily showed Robin
her box of shame.

Lily, this is nuts.

- How many credit cards do you have?
- I don't know.

- How much do you owe?
- I don't know!

Wow. I can't believe this many
people love porn this much,

including that guy who works
in human resources at my firm. Hi.

Let's just wave at each other awkwardly.
That'll make it better.

Dude, come on, let's just find
Bizarro me and get out of here.

Oh, oh, I get it.

Ted Mosby, non-porn star, thinks
this is all crude and disgusting.

You know who else was considered
crude and disgusting? Shakespeare.

But his themes, love, lust,
forbidden desire, were universal,

which is why his work has
stood the test of time.

And so will all this.

400 years from now,

some high school drama class
will be doing a plucky,

spirited production
of Beef Party VII.

Oh, my God, Lily,
that is a lot of debt.

How did you get yourself
into this situation?

I don't know what it is.

When I feel down
about something, I shop.

Ma'am, is everything okay?

No, I just had a huge fight
with my mother.

She doesn't understand me
at all.

I swore that teaching would be a way
to support my painting career,

but I never paint anymore.

I just got
a huge credit card bill.

- Does Marshall know?
- No.

But you guys are the couple
who tell each other everything.

And for God's sakes, Lily,
you text him while he's on the can.

Well, I just want him
to know I'm rooting for him.

Wait, okay,
this all makes sense.

So when you said...

But you're still going to go to your
job interview today, right, baby?

And then...

Oh, you should go. I mean, you're not
gonna to take the job,

but you might as well get
a great meal out of the deal.

You were pushing him into taking that
high-paying corporate job.

I know. It's terrible that I was
trying to get him to do that.

Terrible? He has to take it.

I mean, how else are you going
to pay off all that debt?

Lily, you have to tell him about this
before he turns down that job.

You're right. I feel awful.

- You know, there's a sale...
- We're not going shopping.

There he is.
Come on, let's go.

Why do I get so nervous
around celebrities?

Hi, Ted Mosby.
I'm Ted Mosby.

- Ted Mosby, it's you.
- Have we met?

Mr. Mosby, it is an
honor to meet you, sir.

Starney Binson.
Barney Stinson.

Damn it.

We have met.

My real name is Steve Biel.

When I was in fourth grade,
you were in ninth,

and, and one day
I was out behind the school

and a bunch of seventh graders
were just beating the crap out of me.

Oh, yeah, I remember.
That was you?

Yeah,

but you pulled them off me.

You told them to go pick
on someone their own size.

I vowed right then that
when I made something of myself,

I would honor you somehow.

So you took my name
and starred in...

Welcome To The Sex Truck?

Yeah.

Yeah, listen, Ted,
you got to stop using my name.

I, I'm trying to make a career
as an architect.

Architect, huh?

You mean like a sex architect?

What?

Yeah, you know, you're on to something.
That would make a great title of a film.

Ted Mosby, Sex Architect.

You know, I'm actually looking for a new
project to shoot next Friday afternoon.

Yeah, listen, isn't, isn't there some
other way you could honor me?

With all due respect.

Wait, you're not mad, are you?

Oh, man, I knew it.

My father said,
"Just plant a tree in Israel."

I'm such an idiot.

I guess I thought
you'd be psyched.

I am.

I am, it's just
I feel a little guilty because

I'm not the one who saved
you that day.

The guy who actually
saved you was...

named...

Lance Hardwood.

Lance Hardwood, yeah.

Really?

You know, you might not know this,
but,

in my business,
that's kind of a killer name.

Yeah, I guess,
I guess it is.

I can see the poster now.

Lance Hardwood, Sex Architect.

Starring... Ted Mosby.

I love it.

Marshall and Jeff stayed
pretty late at the restaurant.

They stayed so late that Marshall
crashed on Jeff's couch,

and the next day,

Marshall took part in a Sunday morning
tradition as old as the city itself:

the Walk of Shame,

the long journey home after doing
something you regret the night before.

I'll take the job.

That's awesome!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Great time last night.

I'll call you later.

He's not going
to call you.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Did you get my message?
I just...

- I crashed uptown.
- Yeah, yeah. Listen,

I have, uh,
something to tell you.

Uh, I have something
I need to tell you also.

Mine's pretty huge.

You go first.

Well...

I took the job.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
I was drunk,

and it was a haze of cigars
and scotch and Swayze,

and they offered me, like,

like, like, like,
a lot of money.

Oh, Marshall.

How much money?

Here.

Whee!

Yeah!

It's completely despicable.
I know,

I know, I sold out for a huge pile
of disgusting money,

disgusting money that could
help our future family

have some financial security
and could help pay for law school.

Law school.

Law school that I went to
to help protect the environment,

not help destroy it.
And for what?

For, for... a lot of money.

Okay, you've got
to stop screaming.

Listen, Marshall, you know what I like
to do in situations like this?

Ted, if you say make a list of pros
and cons, I'm going to smack you.

I wasn't going to say that.

Okay, two beers, and Ted, here's that
yellow legal pad you asked for.

Yellow legal pad?
I ordered fries.

Maybe you should use this
to write down people's orders.

Guys, I, I don't know what to do.

Take the money. Money is good,
money is happiness.

If I work there, I'll be representing
the most evil corporations in the world.

Kind of sounds
like a pro and con list to me.

Lily, you have to tell him.
You can help him make this decision.

Oh, I think he's doing fine
on his own.

All right.

Marshall,

I have something to say, and it's gonna
help you make your decision.

Oh, of course, you know
my heart better than I do.

You know what's best for me and for us.
Please, please tell me what to do.

I think you should take
the job at the NRDC.

Of course I should,
of course I should.

Guys, I'm going to save
the planet Earth.

I got to go call Jeff.

What is the matter with you?

I can't ask him to make himself
miserable because of a mistake I made.

It's my problem;
I'll figure it out.

That's really sweet.

- Are those new earrings?
- What are you, my mom?

- Jeff, hey, um, it's Marshall.
- Hey, Marshall.

I have something
that I need to tell you.

I feel really weird
about doing this over the phone.

Then don't.

Before you say anything,

come take a ride
in this awesome limo with me.

Where are we going?

Tuckahoe Funland.

I'm sorry. It sounded like you said
Tuckahoe Funland,

the magic factory
where dreams are made.

Get in.

- Man, I-I love this place.
- Me, too, buddy.

So what did you
want to tell me?

I can't work for you.

I know, dude.

It's fine.

Marshall Eriksen wants to
preserve the environment,

so that our children can enjoy it
as we have. I get it.

Good. Thank you.

I look down... and see children
enjoying this place.

Yeah, because somebody fought
to preserve it.

If they ever shut this place down,
it would be a tragedy.

Well, the good news is,
that'll never happen.

You won't let it.

Because when you work for us,

your only client...

will be this place...

Tuckahoe Funland.

I'm taking the job.

- Hey!
- All right.

And the best part is

I'm not even going to be representing
some sort of evil corporation.

I will be representing

Tuckahoe Funland,

the least evil place
in the world.

Or so Marshall thought.

FUNLAND SAFETY SCANDAL

3 DIE AT FUNLAND

E.COLI OUTBREAK TRACED TO
FUNLAND CORNDOGS

Great news, great news.

Oh, I'd better check on him.

G

Go

Goo

Good

Good l

Good lu

Good luc

Good luck

Good luck i

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Good luck in ther

Good luck in there

Good luck in there b

Good luck in there ba

Good luck in there bab

Good luck in there baby

Good luck in there baby.

Good luck in there baby.
I

Good luck in there baby.
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Good luck in there baby.
I be

Good luck in there baby.
I bel

Good luck in there baby.
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Good luck in there baby.
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Good luck in there baby.
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Good luck in there baby.
I believe

Good luck in there baby.
I believe i

Good luck in there baby.
I believe in

Good luck in there baby.
I believe in y

Good luck in there baby.
I believe in yo

Good luck in there baby.
I believe in you

Good luck in there baby.
I believe in you.

Got it,

Lance Hardwood, Sex Architect
starring Ted Mosby.

Terrific.

You'll notice I'm
in the credits.

I did some location scouting.

Here are the plans for the new
International Sex Building.

Wow... that really looks
like our apartment.

It is.

Oh, I should return these.

Oh, Sex Architect,
you've done it again.

Let's go celebrate
on the couch.