Original subtitles

Hey, Coops. What are you up to?

Hey. Just signing copies of my new book.

- Oh, right! - Oh, yeah, your book,

which we totally read like you asked us to.

Guys, it's okay if you haven't read it.

- No, we support everything that you do. - What? No!

Oh. All right.

Well, uh, I'm going on a press tour for it.

Are there any favorite parts you think I should bring up?

Claire, it's your house... Why don't you go first.

Oh.

Well, for one, I loved the...

- title. - Mm.

That's Not a Life, This Is a Life.

Nice.

And...

and I...

How did you read it with all that plastic on it?

- Huh. - Uh...

- So, there's a... - I was at the airport.

- There he is! - Jake...

My man! Come on in.

Get in here, my favorite son-in-law.

This is a nice greeting.

I like that. Your parents here all happy.

Wait, are you divorcing me?

No. We're just excited to see you.

Oh.

Well, prepare to be even more excited.

Uh, my firm just landed

a big sales pitch at a talent agency.

And guess who my boss picked to give the presentation?

That's right.

The coolest guy at the accounting firm!

Does that just mean you're the only one there

that's ever gotten to second base?

With our daughter.

I mean, it's a huge opportunity,

but I have to say, I'm a little nervous.

Yeah, you should be.

Wait, what?

No, you're not supposed to say that.

You're supposed to be like, "It's okay, baby.

You're gonna do great."

Why am I talking like a phone sex operator?

Uh, because you're hot, Claire. That's what you sound like.

Look, it's just

you do so many things well...

but public speaking isn't exactly one of them.

Yeah,

you fully panicked

during your wedding speech.

You were sweating and st-st-stuttering.

You got

that weird lip twitch that made you look like an angry dog.

Okay, all right, guys, okay,

that was a long time ago.

I have given speeches since then.

Oh, are you referring to the time that you scolded

an entire movie theater for talking during Boss Baby?

It was the beginning, and I didn't want to miss

how the baby became a boss.

You know, Jake, if you're nervous, I'm happy to help out.

We can go to my studio tomorrow

and work on it with my creative team.

Oh, well, look at that.

A little support.

Of course,

I would love to go there.

Right. Performing in front of a crowd is all about confidence.

You want to own your stage.

You want to make eye contact.

You want to connect with your audience.

Oh.

You want to make everyone feel like they're the only person

- in the room. - Ha!

All right? And if you ever feel

like you're losing them, just yell out the name

of the city you're in. "Am I right, Encino?!"

Yay! That's where we live!

Take off your shirt!

And then at the height

of your performance, just take off.

Oh...

he's gone.

And come back for the encore!

- Whoo! - Yay!

Wow, this is not how you do an accounting presentation.

But I don't care! This is exciting!

- Whoo! - Whoo!

- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com -

"And together we can optimize savings for both KPG and its talent,

"so in conclusion...

"let's make KPG stand for 'Kapow, Profitability Guys.'

"Oh, come on, I can't hear you. Say it with me.

"'Kapow, Profitability Guys.'

Hell yeah, that's the stuff. Okay, thank you."

So?

Wow.

Is what I was gonna say. "Wow!"

Crushed it.

- Kapow. - Awesome job.

Thanks, Cooper's team, and, uh...

guy who looks like he invented ecstasy.

You know, people usually think accountants are just these boring,

- uptight nerds. - Actually, I meant

"Wow, Jake has a lot of work to do."

And the lesson we've all learned here is that stereotypes are true.

- Hard pass. - Really, really bad, man.

Really sucked, bro.

Sorry, guys, could I have the room?

All right, you heard Cooper. Everybody out.

You, too, Wayne, if-if that's okay.

Okay?

I love leaving places.

I didn't want to say this with all them in here,

but your speech was kind of a disaster.

Really?

It was like watching someone read their own ransom note.

Damn, man.

When your team was, like, praising me,

I thought I was doing well, but then they just, like,

changed their minds. Yeah, that was weird.

They usually give their best feedback right away.

I don't know, man, I think they were just saying

whatever you wanted to hear.

Cooper, is it possible that your crew

might be a bunch of yes-men?

What? No. My group of friends,

who are technically paid to be here,

always give me their honest opinions.

Okay. Uh, well...

what did they say about your outfit in this poster?

They said they loved it. Why?

I think you look like the villain in the Care Bears movie.

I wasn't sure when I put it on,

but they told me I look great.

What did they say about your, uh, super sexy Christmas single?

What, "U up, Mrs. Claus?"

It went platinum.

What? Did you not like it?

You combined the two talks

that parents don't want to have with their kids.

All right.

Man, but who cares what I think?

I would love to have a yes-man,

because they totally work for you.

I mean, they gave you the confidence

to record that single in Mandarin,

a language you do not speak.

Uh, the other room has also asked me to leave.

Hey, babe.

So, how did the practice presentation go?

Turns out you were right.

I am terrible at public speaking,

and I should probably call my boss

and tell him I can't do this.

Nothing?

Not gonna...? Claire, I was fishing for you to tell me

I have nothing to worry about.

Oh...

Yeah.

Still nothing?!

Claire, why can't you just pump me up

even if you don't believe it?

Because I think there are things that you could work on.

- Like what? - Well...

sometimes when you're nervous you start licking your lips

and blinking all weird.

No, I don't. What are you talking about?

Well, now I'm doing it because you got me thinking about it.

Well, you asked me to tell you.

Well, I didn't mean it, okay?

I wanted blind support.

God, it's like you never been married before.

Look, I'm just trying to be honest with you

so you can be the best version of yourself.

What, would you rather I just blow a bunch of smoke up your butt?

It's what Cooper's crew does,

and I think it's a big part of why he's successful.

So yes, I would love for you to blow some smoke up my butt.

Matter of fact,

why don't you light up a fatty and fill 'er up.

Come on, honey.

- Hey. - Hey, what's up, man?

Hey. You don't look so good.

That's 'cause I don't feel good.

And beauty comes from the inside.

At least that's what Shrek taught me.

Unless he's lying to me, too.

- Oh, what's-what's going on? - Well,

after Jake told me I was surrounded by yes-men,

I couldn't stop thinking about every choice I've ever made.

Come on, man, you are being way too hard on yourself, all right?

A little self-reflection can be good for you.

Not when it happens on a live interview on The Talk.

Uh... I-I think

the screen is frozen.

No. I am.

Hey, Cooper.

You all right, baby?

Um...

That's Not a Life, This Is a Life

by Cooper James is in stores now.

Yeah!

I couldn't stop second-guessing

every life choice I've ever made.

Like, is my shirt lame? Are my friends fake?

Did my Christmas album imply that I cuckolded Santa?

In the music video, she used the North Pole

as a stripper pole.

Anyway, I was spiraling, so after the interview,

I did something I've never done before.

I, uh, googled myself.

- No! - No!

And then I started reading the comments.

- No! - No!

Do you guys know that people on the Internet can be really mean?

Oh, you mean the place where racists go to make friends?

Ooh...

Yikes. These are pretty harsh.

"I wanted to listen to Cooper James's audiobook,

but it was only available on iTurds."

Dude, who cares what these trolls think?

They're not even that funny.

I do. My crew has been telling me I'm so great for years,

but it turns out a ton of people don't think that.

Oh, look, Cooper,

you just need to take a break.

All this negativity is messing with your head.

It is, man. She's right.

I mean, you're normally such a positive guy.

Maybe just try to unplug for a bit, you know?

Just, uh, take a weekend hiatus,

and by Monday, you'll be ready to finish your book tour.

- Unplug? - Yeah.

Yeah, that actually makes a lot of sense.

- Yeah, thanks, guys. - Yeah.

I feel so bad for Cooper.

Yeah, me, too.

But he made $10,000

just by existing today, so I think he'll be okay.

Okay, so I revised my presentation,

and I need you to tell me how great it is no matter what.

Just pretend like you're one of Cooper's yes-men.

Okay.

You're amazing!

Can I borrow a Bitcoin to fix my butt implants?

All right, here we go.

Hey, guys. Uh...

What?

I didn't say anything.

I know, but you're making the same face you make

whenever I pronounce bruschetta "broosketa."

It's just, "Hey, guys" sounds like you're a youth group leader

about to tell a story about a cool carpenter who had

a lot of crazy ideas.

Hey, look who got a good night's sleep.

Yeah. Yeah, I decided to

take your advice and really unplug.

Ooh, you're gonna do an acoustic show?

You know, I play a mean one of those large sticks

with rice in it that you have to keep turning over.

No, I meant, unplug from the world for a bit.

Uh, I'm gonna cancel my book tour.

What? Are you serious?

Yeah. Yeah, I've realized

I'm approaching the twilight years of my life.

Well, hold on.

You're barely 20.

I mean, we have sheets that are older than you.

Okay, gross, but...

And-and, Cooper, don't you have, like,

a bunch of people around the country

who are excited to see you on your book tour?

Yeah, but I can't face 'em like this.

My critics are right, and I'm so grateful

to you guys for finally opening my eyes.

Come on, man!

You can't do this, man! You're too talented!

Yeah!

What the hell, Jake? We just read this tweet

from Cooper, said he's "taking a career hiatus."

You broke our beautiful boy.

And now who am I going to brag about at bridge club?

Me?

Right, Claire.

All right, all right, hey, hey, hey.

Okay, all right, all right, everybody calm down.

All I did was accidentally make Cooper realize

he's surrounded by yes-men,

and so, he went in search for criticism,

found so much that he got depressed,

and then stopped doing what he loves.

That's not my fault. I didn't!

That's not me. I...

Oh, okay, okay.

- It's not my fault. I... - Stop!

We have to stop panicking. All we have to do is just

figure out how to get Cooper back on track.

Aah. If only there was a way we could

crack open Cooper's head and read what was inside it.

Oh, my gosh, Dad.

That's a great idea! We can read Cooper's book.

- Oh, yeah, he wrote a book. - He did.

Oh, man, I really thought

Cooper's book was gonna be lame celebrity drivel,

but it's really good.

I mean, this part about his grandma... it's so touching.

Mm-hmm.

She taught him...

how to post his...

first YouTube video.

Wow, Jake, you're really crying a lot,

You big baby.

You're crying, too, Dad.

No, I'm not.

Look at Jake. Jake's the one who's crying!

Ooh, I've got something.

Everyone turn to page 247.

Mom, I really hope you're not showing us

that picture of Cooper's butt again.

All right, fine. Turn to page 248.

That's where he starts talking about why he got into music.

Dang, I'm only on chapter nine.

How'd you get there so fast?

Oh, I'm great at speed reading.

Okay, okay, listen to this. Okay.

"My mom was my first fan and is still my biggest.

"When I started out, I didn't think I was good enough,

and until I found my confidence, I borrowed some of hers."

His mom was his biggest fan.

Oh, crap.

I have to go do my presentation.

This is gonna be

a frickin' disaster.

Real nightmare.

Here I go...

all alone.

Claire! Come on! Seriously?!

Okay. I'm sorry. Okay.

While you're up there, just remember,

you are so good...

at other things.

Ugh. Cooper.

Those clothes... you...

You look like a Gap mannequin who wished to be a real boy.

What?

Mm, if I'm gonna take a break from my rock star life,

I need to take a break from my rock star clothes,

so I just went into Jake's closet and picked up a pair of,

uh... Dockers.

More like Dorkers.

Oh, wait. I bought those for Jake.

Well, look, we clearly can't talk any sense into you,

so I found someone who hopefully can.

Oh, my gosh. Mum.

Good day, son. How's my wee bub?

What are you doing up at sparrow's fart?

Have you even had your brekkie yet?

Well, had me Weet-Bix,

and now I'm just giving the blue-tongues a bit of a nibble

before the arvo sets in.

Good on ya.

You know, a lorikeet died in the feeder,

and a kookaburra's been gnawing on the deck,

and me gutters are stuffed with gumnuts!

No way! Claire, can you believe that?

I can't.

Or can. I'm so lost.

Now, Cooper, what's this Claire tells me

about you cancelling your book tour?

Yeah, I just need some time to reassess

what I'm doing with my life.

I've realized I'm surrounded by yes-men

who only tell me how great I am.

Oh, son.

Who cares what the bludgers say?

All that matters is how you feel.

Well, that's the thing. I can't really tell anymore.

Cooper, do you remember your first big concert?

You were so nervous, you nearly chundered your Maccas.

And I looked out into the crowd and saw you in the first row

holding up a sign telling me how awesome I was.

I knew you just needed a little encouragement

from someone you love to give you the confidence to succeed.

And if I could hold up a sign right now,

it'd say get your ass back on the book tour!

Maybe it was a bit dramatic to cancel the whole thing.

Thanks, Mum. Love you.

And, uh,

thanks to you Claire.

You know, sometimes this bizzo makes me sweat

like a gypsy with a mortgage,

but after having a chin wag with my mum-mum,

grinning like a shot fox again.

What?

Now I'm off to the studio.

Oh. To write some songs?

No. To ask my team what they think of these Dockers.

Anyone who says I look great is getting bloody fired.

But, uh...

But as we like to say in the accounting game,

"It's accrual world, so be audit you can be."

Pause for laughter.

God, I'm thirsty.

I am?

Uh, confident

that our firm can be a one-stop shop

for all your client's accounting needs.

Yeah. Yeah, no one can stop me,

or my firm

from saving your clients tons of money

by leveraging the new tax laws

to minimize their tax exposure and maximize their bottom line.

Hmm?

Is it a little tight in here, guys?

Does it feel a little tight? Hmm?

Maybe loosen up. Maybe get a little loose.

You know what I'm saying, girl?

Boop. Oh.

Are you feeling me, KPG?

Yes.

I can't hear you.

Are you feeling me, KPG?

Yes!

Now, I could sit here and throw numbers at you all day, right?

Or I can tell you right here, right now

that together, we can make KPG stand

for "Kapow! Profitability Guys."

Come on, say it with me!

Kapow, Profitability Guys.

Mm-mm. Mm-mm-mm.

I need some stank on that. Say it louder!

Kapow, Profitability Guys!

Yes! Yes!

Yes! That's what I'm talking about.

That's the stuff! That's the ticket!

I'm going home!

Good night, Los Angeles!

Did he just leave?

Who wants to hear some actual numbers?!

Congratulations on landing the account.

I never had any doubt.

Nah. Right.

Oh.

Hey, Cooper, your mom's on FaceTime.

Oh, I don't think he's home.

Ooh, you should answer, though,

so you can see how she talks all weird.

Claire, don't be a colonialist.

Hey, Cooper's mom.

Oh, good day there, Jake. Is Cooper in?

Uh, no, he's not, but we can take a message.

Right.

You see, Cooper's dad was coming home

after some hard yukka beyond the black stump,

and an ambo went by, driving like the clappers

'cause they had some shark biscuit in the back.

Oh, wow. That's...

hilarious?

You've got a sick sense of humor, Claire.

The guy lost his leg.

Anyway, it was dark as a dog's guts out,

and the ambo didn't see him, so they had a bit of a bingle.

Now the ambo's trying to blame it all on Cooper's dad,

so, of course, he's mad as a cut snake.

Well, we'll be sure to give Cooper the message.

Hooroo.

Hooroo.

All right.

Oh, hey, Coop. Your mom just called.

Oh. What'd she say?

We have no idea.

Your dad was driving home from work,

and he got into a fender bender with an ambulance.

Everything's fine, but the ambulance driver's trying

to act like it was his fault.

Ah, he'll be mad as a cut snake then.

Hooroo.

Hooroo.

How did you...?

Literally just guessed.