Original subtitles

One more minute and we'll be going over The men are ready sir

Private Laurel

You stay here and guard this post until relieved from duty

Gee I wish I was going with you Take care of yourself

Don't worry about me Stan I'll be back We'll all be back

So long pal

(Heavy gunfire)

(Gunfire stops)

(Jazzy bugle call)

(Aircraft humming)

You brainless idiot What are you trying to do

Put that thing down War is war and I've got my orders

What orders To guard this post

You blockhead The war's been over for 20 years

It doesn't make any difference When I'm told to do something

What d'you say The war's been over for 20 years

Eh

The war's been over for 20 years

Ha How time flies

Just seems like yesterday

What d'you say You heard me

Well that accounts for it Accounts for what

Everything's been kinda quiet lately

Come with me I'll see that you get home

War's been over for Well it's better than staying here

Thanks very much Are you sure the war's been over for 20 years

Positively I can prove it to you

If it isn't somebody's going to get into an awful jam

Paper Morning paper

Were the eggs done enough this morning dear

Is there anything else dear

I almost burned my finger on the bacon this morning

My love you've got something on your mind

You can't fool your baby Oliver

Oh Oliver You don't even remember what happened a year ago today

Was that the day I fell off the bicycle

No Oliver Now just try to think

It had something to do with you and me

I give up I can't quite remember what you mean

Unless it was the day we got married That's it

It was just a year ago today that you came into my heart

How could I forget

Congratulations Mrs Hardy

Of course I didn't forget

We'll celebrate We'll have a party

Oh Oliver How I've looked forward to this day

I planned a dinner just for the two of us as I did a year ago tonight

You're so sweet and I'm such a cad No you're not

We'll do anything your little heart desires

We'll have a nice quiet dinner

and after that we'll sit and hold hands

and I'll whisper sweet nothings in your ear

Oh Oliver

This is wonderful And you are so wonderful

Could I have an extra dollar with my allowance

Isn't 75 cents a day enough for you

Usually it is but today is different

I wish you wouldn't ask me what I'm going to do with it It's to be a surprise

Oh Oliver of course

You can have a dollar and 25 cents more today

There's one more thing

Do you mind if I use the car I'll only be gone one hour

Of course not But be careful and hurry right back

Thank you I won't even say goodbye my precious little Fig Newton

I'll just say pardon me for one hour

And make that hour short

(Whistles merrily)

Good morning Mrs Gilbert Good morning Mr Hardy

Gorgeous day isn't it Bright cheerful

It's a lovely day This is quite a day for me

My anniversary and Mrs Hardy's too

Oh how nice Congratulations Thank you

I have reason to celebrate Mr Gilbert is due back after two months hunting in Africa

Oh fine Then we both have a reason to celebrate Congratulations

Thank you Oh It's all right I'll get them

Hello darling This is Mr Hardy My husband Mr Gilbert

How do you do You came back unexpectedly

Yes You see we were holding hands

We were shaking hands and the newspapers fell out

Well I guess we can get up now

I guess we'd better be going Goodbye I'm glad to have seen you

Excuse me My mistake I'm sorry

Oh There you are Goodbye Oh Goodbye Mr Gilbert

And who is that snake Mr Hardy He's our neighbour

Come in dear It's so nice to have you home

Good morning James What's the news this morning

A fella stayed in the trenches 20 years after the war

He didn't know it was over How could anyone be so stupid

I don't know Here's his picture

I can't imagine anybody being that dumb

Oh yes I can

(Deep voice) Out please

(Deep voice) Thank you Quite all right sir

Down please

(Bang)

(Crashing)

I don't see him just now but you'll find him on the grounds somewhere

Thank you

Ollie Stan Don't get up now Sit right there

How did you know I was here I saw your picture in the paper

How did I look You haven't changed a bit

Neither have you If I hadn't have seen you I never would have known you

Gee I'm glad to see you I'm glad to see you too

Have you missed me I certainly have

I missed you too How's things and everything

Everything's just fine I got married

You don't tell me Who d'ya marry Fifi

No Er Lulu

No Camille

No I know Fanny

No You wouldn't know her She's a local girl

Wait till you meet her She's one of the finest women that ever lived

Don't tell And can she cook

Can she Can she

Wait till you put your legs under that table Pardon me

Wait till you put your leg under that table

and put your teeth into a big thick juicy steak covered with mushrooms

and those hot biscuits oozing with molten butter

And those sevenlayered chocolate cakes

swimming in whipped cream

Any beans You can have beans if you want

You can have anything you want (Bugle call)

It was nice of you to call Ollie

I hope you'll come see me again sometime I've got to be going

Where are you going It's call for mess I've got to eat

You're coming home with me to meet the missus

Am I And have a big thick juicy steak

Thank you Ollie You're welcome

I want you to remember from now on my home is your home

Thank you Ollie You're welcome

And I'm never going to let you out of my sight again

Thank you Ollie You're welcome

Just sit back and relax

I'm sure glad to see you kid

Gee Ollie This is just like old times You and I being together

You took the words right out of my mouth

We sure used to have a lot of fun We sure did

You remember how dumb I used to be Yeah

I'm better now I'm certainly glad to hear it

Will you wait a minute Ollie Why

I want a drink of water You sit right there I'll get it

I only want to get to the faucet How can you get there

You just sit and relax I'll be right back

Hey Come on lug Get outta that chair

What do you mean insulting my friend

That's my buddy's chair

I'll give it to you when I'm ready

Is that so Yes that's so

Well are you ready to give it to me

On second thought yes

Don't exert yourself Stanley I'll carry you

Are you comfortable

Thank you Stanley

We haven't got much further to go now

Well here we are Is this your car

No it belongs to the missus

Sure is a pretty one It's practically new

Look you can see yourself in it

That's No I got it That way

Now I'm nearly in All right

There's one

Come here

Why didn't you tell me you had two legs

You didn't ask me

Get in the car I've always had 'em

You are better now Hm

Go and get the guy to move that truck

Go on

(Air hisses)

The guy isn't there Well move it yourself

(Engine starts)

(Gears crunch)

(Pneumatic hiss)

Hold it Steady Thank you

You can say that that was the largest boar ever bagged in India

Kept me two months extra months away

I'll bet there's a story behind it You said it

He gave me more trouble than a bunch of elephants

It's safer to hunt on horseback but I was on foot when he charged me

When he got close enough I fired

The gun jammed It was a narrow escape

But what did you do

To look at me you wouldn't believe that I am very light on my feet

I jumped to one side You were in a spot

But not for long If you keep cool everything is all right

and I was cool I had a chill in my back

I took out both of my revolvers and I let him have 12 shots Six and six

He almost made you a widow Mrs Gilbert

I never worry about my husband When he takes aim it's a bullseye

Unlike other hunters I don't bring 'em back alive

I bring 'em back dead I come back alive

Did you get those elephant tusks in India

No In Africa I was with my safari

"Safari" means a bunch of native boys

I had my lion gun with me that's smaller than an elephant gun

When jumbo came charging after me I let him have the full magazine

You think that bothered him That made him angry It made him mad

He pulled over five or six trees He charged again I took aim

And I let him have it

I'll be that did the trick Well there's his teeth

I've got to go down to the gun shop I'm having a new gun made especially for me

I mean for elephants Goodbye dear

Goodbye darling Excuse me

Thanks This'll make an interesting story

Who opened the door No one

It opens automatically How do you mean

Well you see that plate

You just drive over that the door opens

I never saw anything like that Mind if I try it

No Go ahead Just drive straight back

Now just drive it forward

Ohhh

(Ollie groaning)

What's it say "Out of order"

Where'd you get that I found it on there

The fella put it on there when you were

We'll have to walk up

(Crashing)

What floor do you live on The 13th

Gee that's quite a way We'll be up there in a jiffy

What's 13 flights

Going up

Five That's right Won't be long now

Six Mm

How long did you say it would take Just a jiffy

How far's a jiffy About three shakes of a dead lamb's tail

Didn't think it was so far Surprising the distance

Seven Uhhuh

How many with seven makes 13 Six

Swell We've only got six more jiffies

Won't be long now

(Buzzer)

Eight Nine

I think we'd better rest a while

That was a good idea of yours

Come come Don't block the stairway

Who do you think you're talking to

You you big overstuffed polliwog

You smile when you call me that Ha

If we weren't in this apartment house I'd wipe the floor with you

Don't let that stop you Take him outside

Outside See He's afraid to go

Who's afraid to go Any time you're ready

Well there's no time like the present

I should say not Come on

You can't get away with that with me Polliwog huh

He can't talk to you like that There's going to be a fight

There's gonna be a fight

Hey Ollie What's a polliwog

I'll tell you later There's gonna be a fight

There's gonna be a fight

There's gonna be a fight

You think you can get away with that

There's gonna be a fight I'd better help you

Never mind Just leave it to me It'll be over in a jiffy

Hey There's gonna be a fight

We'll show him

If you apologise it's all right with me Apologise Ha For what

For calling me an overstuffed polliwog

No man can call me an overstuffed polliwog and get away with it

All right You're not an overstuffed polliwog

That's better You're an inflated blimp

That's different

I don't know what that means but these people can't be wrong

Then fight and shut up You bet your life I'll fight

The very idea He wants to fight Come outside

I'm gonna give you one more chance to apologise

Oh all right I'm sorry I apologise

I knew he was yellow

Yellow eh

Get back there and fight

You'd better call an ambulance Yes sir

There's gonna be a fight You'd better come

What happened The fight is over

(Horn toots)

What did you do to him Never mind

Why did you suggest coming down here

when we could have done the same thing on the tenth floor

I didn't know he was gonna (Woman) Ollie

Lulu Gee I haven't seen you in ages

You remember Stan How could I forget him

I met him today I haven't seen him in 20 years

Everybody thought I was dead didn't they

How did you find out you weren't Well I figured that

I saw my picture in the paper Yeah

What ya doing Taking Stan to meet the missus

The missus Are you married

I sure am To the finest woman in the world

And how she can cook

Ollie did you get my note What note

I just sent a note up and I wouldn't want anybody but you to read it

What was in it I was just reminiscing

Ohhh We gotta get that note

Ollie When you get it burn it I will don't worry

8:30

Hey what ya do that for Don't bother me

Pop Come out here That fat guy kicked my ball down the stairs

Hey you Come here Is there gonna be a fight

Shh

Go downstairs and get that ball I'm busy

Get going Yes sir

Go and get the ball for me Why should I go down and get it

I've got to get the note It's a matter of life and death

(Whimpering) I don't want to Don't argue with me And hurry up

Where's that ball My friend's

I told you to get it I know but

Go on down and get that ball I'll wait till you bring it back

If he thinks I'm gonna run downstairs he's crazy

Give it to the kid and don't let it happen again

Hey Pop That guy kicked me

Why don't you put some ice in it

Come on

Why didn't you tell me you had the key You didn't ask me

"Didn't ask me"

Gee that's pretty underwear Don't get personal

Mr Hardy Ohh

Yes Mrs Gilbert

This note was left here by mistake Thank you

Who's it from It's from Lulu No it isn't

How do I know who it's from This is my friend Mr Laurel Mrs Gilbert

How do you do Mrs Gilbert is my neighbour

He's going to stay with us Oh how nice

How's Mrs Hardy She's still just as sweet as ever

I was telling him how well she cooks

Yes I hear she's one of the best I hope you have a pleasant stay

Goodbye Goodbye

(Knocking)

Come in here

Yoohoo Oh honey

Oh darling

Oh baby

She's gone shopping

Sit down and make yourself at home

You've got a swell place here

Well it's comfy

Have you got a cigarette I never smoke

Would your wife mind if I smoke my pipe

Of course not What's all right with me is OK with her

But a lot of dames are particular

But she's not What do you mean calling my wife a dame

(Crashing)

Hello honey

So you were going to be back in an hour

Is that the wife Yeah

You said she was the She's only clowning Come and meet her

She's the greatest kidder in the world Darling

Sugar I want you to meet my buddy

How often have I told you not to bring your tramp friends here

But I haven't seen Stan in 20 years

I couldn't see him in a hundred years

This is no time for levity I've been telling him how wonderful you could cook

Oh you have How about a thick juicy steak

Who put that bee in your bonnet He did didn't you

If you think I'm going to stand over a hot stove

and cook for every knickknack you're crazy

(Gurgling)

Excuse me

But toots Stanley's different

I'll say he's different

And don't call me toots

What's a knickknack A thing that sits on top of a whatnot

And don't bother me

(Gurgling)

(lndistinct arguing)

Will you shut up

If you knew this boy you'd appreciate him

I went to the Soldier's Home to get him to have a nice big juicy steak

(Knocking)

Come outta there

And put that pipe out

(All talking at once)

Will you get out of my way I'd like somebody to cook for me for a change

I'm not gonna stay here the rest of my life slaving over a hot stove

for you and your goodfornothing buddies Goodbye

Goodbye

Let that be a lesson to you What

Never get married

Well thanks for the lovely time I'll be seeing you later

Where are you going The Soldier's Home

What for To eat

You'll have something to eat if I have to cook it myself

You go and light the oven and I'll set the table

We'll show her I'll say we'll show her

Ha Ha You can't do that to me

Ha

(Gas hissing)

Ollie

What You got a match

What for I want to light the oven

Go and sit down You get on my nerves I'll light it

Any time I want something done right I always have to do it myself

(Explosion) Ohhh

Mr Hardy what in the world happened

We had a slight accident

I was planning to cook dinner for Mr Laurel and

Where's Mrs Hardy Luckily she went out

What would she think if she saw this

I shudder to think Let me help you clean it up

That's awfully sweet of you

(Wheezing)

Where have you been I thought there was an earthquake

Turn the gas off and get me some punch I'm a nervous wreck

And get one for Mrs Gilbert Never mind I'll do it myself

That's right Whenever you want anything done right always do it yourself

Pardon us Certainly

We'll have this place cleaned up in a jiffy

(Hissing) Turn that gas off

Get me some glasses

Ohh

(Crashing)

Gee I'm awfully sorry Mrs Gilbert

That's quite all right Accidents will happen

I'll get you something No don't bother

I'll go to the apartment It won't take a minute to change

I'll be right back That's awfully kind of you

What happened

(Crashing)

"What happened" Oh

Something wrong

I left my key in the apartment What'll I do

Maybe Mrs Hardy left something you can slip on

Here Mrs Gilbert This is all I could find

Take off that wet dress before you catch cold

I'll phone downstairs and have them send you up a key

Thank you Mr Hardy You're welcome Thank you

Hello

Hello Hello

Hello Hello

This is Mr Hardy How are you Fine

Good Nice weather we're having

It's a beautiful day Mrs Gilbert is locked out of her apartment

Will you send up a key What's the number

Just a minute

1314

Why should I send up a key If she came in here and

Mrs Gilbert the phone is out of order I'll have to go downstairs

Would you do that Yes I'll be back in just a jiffy

Don't take too long

Mrs Hardy is coming That's all right I can explain

Not in my pyjamas you can't You don't know my wife

What are we going to do We've got to hide

I'll find a place over here You come with me

There's no place in here to hide We must find a place My wife'll kill me

Sit like a chair What

Sit like a chair like that And don't make a noise

Hold still

Come on quick We can hide in here

What happened here I don't know We started to cook

Where's that big fat billycan of mine He's hiding

Where In there

Oh he is is he Well he won't be hiding long

"see my grandfather The grandfather laughed He said"

Hello sugar Don't sugar me

How come my car's all smashed

Well dear Sit down

I come back after five minutes and find the place wrecked

If you let me Sit down

Have you been playing soldier

(All talking at once)

I try to keep things nice for you and I come back and find things wrecked

Sit down I tell you

If you think I'm going home to Mother you're crazy

Silly to go on arguing like

I wouldn't argue After all it's no good to argue

Just because I came up here I had nothing to do with it

Silly to go on arguing like that

What are you arguing about

If you want me to go I'll stay as long as you want

Silliest thing I ever heard

(Argument continues)

And I gave you a dollar and 25 cents

Silliest thing I ever heard

I wish you'd stop this argument It's the silliest thing I ever

I never heard anything like it in my life

Isn't that terrible Get up from there

Oh my beautiful stove

What did you do with the kitchen It's wrecked

(All shouting)

(Wheezing)

And another thing Sit down

Get up Sit down

Get up Sit down

Get up Sit down I'm the boss here

Sit down Get up

Oh I'm fed up Sit down Get up

(lndistinct ranting)

Get up out of there Stand up

She said I could I don't care

If I want to sit down I'll sit down

I can do just as I like cos she told me that I could sit

Big dumbbell

In the trunk Quick Get in here quick

Let me tell you something Let me tell you something

Sit down You listen to me Shush

I've had enough of this How dare you

Tut tut tut tut I'm going to leave for a change

And I am not going home to Mother Pardon us

Come Stanley

Ha ha ha ha ha

Ha

Just a minute Where do you think you're going

I've packed and I'm leaving for Honolulu

You are Who put that bee in your bonnet

Stan said I should get out of here Besides the trip will do me good

Oh you did

So not content with wrecking my home you wanna take my husband away

I'll fix you

Is there gonna be a fight Shh

Wait a minute Let me tell you something

(Argument continues)

What's the matter

(Mrs Hardy) I'll tell you what's the matter

That little worm is trying to break up my happy home

But I'll have the police take him back to the Old Soldier's Home where he belongs

So you're a home breaker huh

You look like the kind of a guy that would break up a happy home

You know what I would do to anybody that comes between me and my wife

I'd get my trusty fowling piece and I'd blow him

to nothing

I had nothing to do with it He brought me here

He was gonna give me a nice steak What happened

He's got a girl in the trunk and he didn't want his wife to know

What did you tell him that for He asked me

When the wife's away the rats will play

Why bring them into your own home That's ridiculous

Come with me sometime I know where there's a whole bunch

Listen Why do you think I go to Borneo all the time

You can come with me sometime

You too How do you do I was gonna

My wife

I kill him

I can't miss all the time