Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

IT IS HARD TO BELIEVE THAT THIS BEDKNOB

IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DISAPPEARANCE

OF MONSIEUR LECLERC AND MY WIFE'S MOTHER,

BUT IT IS A FACT.

A SECRET DISAPPEARING BED,

BUILT BY MONSIEUR ALPHONSE THE UNDERTAKER,

WHICH WAS ONLY TO BE USED IN AN EMERGENCY,

WAS ACTIVATED BY THIS VERY KNOB

SO THAT THE SILLY OLD COUPLE COULD HIDE

AFTER THEY HAD BEEN RELEASED AND SNATCHED FROM PRISON

BY MY WIFE, EDITH, WHO WAS USING FORGED PAPERS.

MADAME FANNY TURNED THIS KNOB

AND SHE AND MONSIEUR LECLERC

FLEW UP INTO THE WALL

AND THE KNOB FELL OFF.

AS IT HAS TO BE TURNED AGAIN TO RELEASE THE BED,

THEY ARE, OF COURSE STILL HANGING UPSIDE DOWN

LIKE A COUPLE OF AGED BATS.

I HAVE JUST PHONED MONSIEUR ALPHONSE

TO GET HIM TO COME AND RELEASE THEM,

BUT IF HE DOES NOT HURRY UP, WELL, I FEAR THE WORST.

RENE.

WHERE IS MONSIEUR ALPHONSE WITH HIS TOOLS?

HE SHOULD BE HERE.

WELL, PERHAPS HIS HORSE IS LAME.

THEY HAVE STOPPED KNOCKING.

WHAT?

MY MOTHER AND MONSIEUR LECLERC.

OH, MAMMA.

TO THINK THIS KNOB WAS THE LAST THING SHE HELD

BEFORE SHE DISAPPEARED.

A FITTING EPITAPH, EDITH.

OH GOD.

MERCI.

OH, MY DICKY TICKER.

WE UNDERTAKERS ARE NOT USED TO HURRYING.

OUR CLIENTS ARE USUALLY DEAD.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE?

RENE, HE DOES NOT LOOK WELL.

THEN TAKE HIM UPSTAIRS.

IF HE PEGS OUT DOWN HERE

PEOPLE WILL THINK

IT IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY WINE.

( soft knock )

- ( pounds wall ) - Yvette: OH!

SHUSH!

HOW CAN I HEAR IF THEY'RE BANGING IF YOU'RE BANGING?

AND HOW CAN I HEAR IF THEY HAVE BANGED

IN ANSWER TO MY BANG IF YOU ARE SHOUTING?

OH, YOU LISTEN, I'LL BANG.

NO, YOU LISTEN, I'LL BANG.

- NO! NO! - YES! YES!

Rene: STOP THAT, YOU TWO!

Edith: CAN YOU HEAR ANYTHING?

- NOTHING. - EXCEPT HER SHOUTING.

WHAT IF MAMMA HAS SUFFOCATED?

THIS PLACE IS RIDDLED WITH MOUSE HOLES.

THERE IS BOUND TO BE SOME AIR

EVEN IF IT DOES SMELL STRONGLY OF CHEESE.

DO NOT FEAR, MADAME,

I HAVE COME FULLY PREPARED FOR ALL EVENTUALITIES.

I HAVE WITH ME MY UNDERTAKER'S TAPE MEASURE

AND ALSO A CATALOG OF MY COFFINS

FOR YOU TO PERUSE AT YOUR LEISURE.

OH, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE, SURELY YOU CAN DO SOMETHING.

WELL, FIRST OF ALL

I SHALL LISTEN WITH MY STETHOSCOPE.

( wheezing cough )

PARDON.

( wheezing )

I CAN HEAR WHEEZING.

DO THEY HAVE ASTHMA?

THAT IS YOU, YOU OLD FOOL.

THIS CRAFTSMANSHIP IS SUPERB.

I COULD NEVER PRISE IT DOWN.

I KNOW, I WILL DRILL AN AIR HOLE FOR THEM.

OH, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE, DO BE CAREFUL.

YES, DO NOT DRILL THROUGH HER MOTHER.

RENE, WHAT IF HE STRIKES A VITAL ORGAN?

SHE DOESN'T HAVE A VITAL ORGAN.

I HAVE STRUCK METAL.

COULD IT BE HER EAR TRUMPET?

IF IT IS, I HOPE SHE WAS NOT LISTENING.

AH YES, I CAN HEAR THEM NOW.

THEY ARE SNORING.

THEY ARE ASLEEP.

MAMMA, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? IT IS ME, EDITH.

( moaning; banging )

Mamma: GET ME OUT OF HERE!

NOW YOU'VE DONE IT.

WHY DID YOU NOT LET THEM SLEEP

UNTIL THEY WERE OUT?

YES, WELL, THERE IS ONLY ONE ANSWER.

I WILL DRILL SMALL HOLES AROUND THE HINGES

AND PUT IN A SMALL EXPLOSIVE CHARGE.

DO YOU HAVE ANY DYNAMITE?

THIS IS A CAFE, NOT AN ARSENAL!

MICHELLE OF THE RESISTANCE WILL HAVE SOME.

RENE, GO TO OFFICER CRABTREE.

HE WILL FIND MICHELLE AND GET SOME DYNAMITE FROM HER.

I AM NOT GOING TO RISK MY NECK GETTING DYNAMITE.

WE COULD BLOW THE WHOLE PLACE UP.

BUT WE NEED ONLY A SMALL CHARGE.

( moaning )

I THINK MADAME FANNY IS TRYING TO SAY SOMETHING.

YES, SHE WANTS SOME SOUP.

THAT WILL BE TRICKY.

MIMI, THERE IS SOME ONION SOUP ON THE STOVE.

GO DOWN, FILL THE BELLOWS WITH THE SOUP

THEN PUT THE NOZZLE IN THE HOLE IN THE WALL.

WE WILL PUMP SOME THROUGH.

AFTER THAT WE MAY NOT NEED DYNAMITE.

I WILL GO AND GET A MESSAGE TO MICHELLE.

IN THE MEANTIME, DO NOTHING.

( knocking )

I OPEN MY DOOR TO NO ONE

UNLESS THEY GIVE THE CORRECT SECRET KNOCK.

( rhythmic knocking )

WRONG.

IT IS ME, HERR FLICK. HELGA.

WHY DID YOU NOT SHOUT?

I DO NOT WANT THE WHOLE TOWN TO KNOW

I'M YOUR BIT OF STUFF.

SO,

DID VON SMALLHAUSEN

COMMIT A CRIME IN THE COLONEL'S OFFICE

AND GET HIMSELF SENT TO JAIL

IN ORDER TO INGRATIATE HIMSELF

WITH MADAME FANNY AND THE OLD PIANO PLAYER,

WHO ARE ALSO PRISONERS THERE,

TO FIND OUT IF THEY KNOW

THE WHEREABOUTS OF THE BRITISH AIRMEN?

- NO. - WHAT?

THAT IS TO SAY, HE DID GET SENT TO JAIL.

UNFORTUNATELY, THE OLD COUPLE HAD ALREADY BEEN RELEASED.

VON SMALLHAUSEN WAS ARRESTED FOR HAVING NO PAPERS

IN SUSPICIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES.

WHAT SUSPICIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES?

HE WAS DRESSED AS A BURGLAR, IN A MASK,

AND RIDING A BICYCLE WITHOUT A REAR LIGHT.

VON SMALLHAUSEN DOES NOTHING RIGHT.

FANCY FORGETTING THE REAR LIGHT.

I WILL GO HAVE HIM RELEASED.

MAY I KISS YOU, FIRST, HERR FLICK.

NOT UNTIL YOU HAVE PASSED YOUR SECRET KNOCKING TEST.

THAT IS NEAR ENOUGH.

HEIL HITLER.

HEIL HITLER.

HEIL MUSSOLINI.

OH, GRUBER,

THE DECORATIONS ARE LOVELY.

THANK YOU, GENERAL.

SIT!

YOU VERY PROBABLY HAVE ALL NOTICED

THIS AREA HAS BECOME SOMETHING OF A BACKWATER

AS FAR AS THE WAR IS CONCERNED, HMM?

WELL ALL THAT IS ABOUT TO BE CHANGED.

WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND, GENERAL?

SOMETHING, THAT IF IT SUCCEEDS,

WILL PUT OUR NAMES DOWN IN HISTORY BOOKS

ALONGSIDE THE GREAT GERMAN WAR HEROES OF THE PAST.

OR THE GREAT ITALIAN WAR HEROES.

HIM AS WELL!

HOW ARE WE TO ACHIEVE THIS?

AN OLD COLLEAGUE OF MINE WHO FOUGHT ALONGSIDE ME

IN THE CONDOR LEGION IN SPAIN, GENERAL BORIS VON BRATWURSTEN,

HAS HEARD FROM INTELLIGENCE THAT VERY SHORTLY,

CHURCHILL IS SCHEDULED TO TAKE A BRIEF PAINTING HOLIDAY

ON THE SOUTH COAST OF ENGLAND

AT A PLACE CALLED BOGNOR.

All: BOGNOR?

NOW, VON BRATWURSTEN PLANS TO GO IN

ON A LIGHTNING COMMANDO RAID

AND SNATCH HIM, ENDING THE WAR AT A STROKE,

AND TO ENSURE COMPLETE SECRECY,

HE HAS DECIDED TO LAUNCH THE RAID

FROM HERE.

EVEN THE FUHRER KNOWS NOTHING.

WON'T HE BE CROSS?

IF WE FAIL, HE WILL NEVER KNOW.

BUT, IF WE SUCCEED,

WE WILL ALL BE UP TO HERE IN IRON CROSSES.

HOW DARING.

HOW TYPICAL OF THE CONDOR LEGION.

YOU WILL HAVE OUR FULL BACKING, GENERAL.

WON'T HE, GRUBER?

WE SHALL BE BEHIND HIM ALL THE WAY.

AND IF THE PLOT FAILS, MUM'S THE WORD.

IT MUST NOT FAIL,

I AM TO BE AT VAN BRATWURSTEN'S SIDE.

IN THAT CASE IT STANDS EVERY CHANCE.

GRUBER, I KNOW HOW KEEN YOU ARE

TO BE IN THE ACTION WITH THE MEN.

AFTER THE RUSSIAN FRONT, THIS MUST SEEM VERY TAME.

I AM VERY ADAPTABLE.

GOOD, I'VE PUT YOUR NAME FORWARD.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

HE'S TOO EXCITED TO SPEAK.

JUST THINK-- ONE DAY I SHALL TELL MY CHILDREN

I WAS PART OF THIS.

JUST A SMALL PART

BECAUSE I'M RATHER OLD.

NOT SO SMALL.

WE SHALL NEED A SUICIDE SQUAD TO COVER OUR RETREAT.

YOU MAY LEAD IT IF YOU WISH. WHAT DO YOU SAY?

HE IS TOO EXCITED TO SPEAK.

IN FACT, HE MAY NEVER SPEAK AGAIN.

PERHAPS WE SHOULD WAIT

UNTIL GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN

IS OUT OF THE HOSPITAL?

HE IS SO GOOD AT PLANNING THIS KIND OF THING.

NO, NO. HE WILL NOT BE COMING OUT.

VON BRATWURSTEN IS WORRIED

HE MAY NOT GO ALONG WITH THE PLAN.

SO HE HAS CUT OFF VON KLINKERHOFFEN'S PHONE

AND IS MAKING ARRANGEMENTS TO HAVE HIM TRANSFERRED

TO A NURSING HOME IN BAVARIA

WHERE HE CAN CONVALESCE

AFTER HIS NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

COME.

THE REPORT IS THAT HE IS MUCH IMPROVED

AND ALMOST READY FOR RELEASE.

I DO THINK WE SHOULD CONSULT HIM FIRST.

NO, NO. WE WANT THE GLORY FOR OURSELVES.

TO DEATH OR GLORY.

All: TO DEATH OR GLORY.

IN OF ALL PLACES, BOGNOR.

( whistling )

PASS ME THAT VASE, PLEASE, YVETTE.

GOOD MOANING.

LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE MADE ME DO, YOU IDIOT.

I AM SIRRY. DID I MAKE YOU JIMP?

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I HAVE BRIGHT THE DEENAMOTE FROM MICHELLE.

WHERE IS IT?

IT IS DOON MY TROOZERS

DISGEEZED AS KINDLES.

THE FIRST ONE IS A REAL KINDLE

AND THE RIST IS THE DEENAMOTE.

AND I AM GLOD TO GIT ROD OF IT.

I ALSO HAVE A MASSAGE FROM MICHELLE.

WHAT IS THE MASSAGE?

I MIST TAKE THE BROTISH EARMEN

TO BE WODE ON THE FESHMINGER'S SCOLES.

WHAT IS THIS LUNATIC ON ABOUT?

HE WANTS TO TAKE THE BRITISH AIRMEN

TO BE WEIGHED ON THE FISHMONGER'S SCALES.

WHATEVER FOR?

LONDON HOPES TO SEND A LIGHT EARCRAFT

AND THEY NEED TO KNEE THEIR WOTES

SO THE CAN FLEA THEM AT NIT

TO ONGLAND.

WHAT NIT ARE THEY GOING TO FLEA THEM?

IT HAS NOT BEEN DESUDED.

WIER ARE THEY NOO?

- HELLO. - HELLO.

WHEE ARE THEY DRISSED AS SCRIBBING LOODIES?

I HAVE TO GET MY MONEY'S WORTH FROM THEM SOMEHOW.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, CHAPS?

WELL, NO, NOT REALLY.

ALL THIS CLEANING IS RUINING MY HANDS.

AND I'VE GOT A NASTY CASE OF HOUSEMAID'S KNEE.

NOT TO WORRY. IT WON'T BE

FOR VERY MUCH LONGER. COME WITH ME.

BEFORE YOU GO, CLEAN UP THIS BROKEN VASE.

WHAT'S HE SAYING?

NO IDEA.

YOU'D THINK THEY'D LEARN TO SPEAK ENGLISH.

YOU CANNOT GET GOOD DOMESTIC HELP THESE DAYS.

OH, RENE, IF ONLY WE COULD

FLEE TO ENGLAND IN THAT PLANE AS WELL.

BUT WE ARE NOT BRITISH AIRMEN.

I WISH WE WERE. OH, HOLD ME.

AH, YVETTE.

OH, RENE.

EVERY TIME YOU HUG ME I SEEM TO GROW STRONGER.

I MUST REMEMBER TO TOP UP MY BATTERY.

OH, IS THAT YOUR HEART I CAN FEEL THROBBING?

ALMOST WITHOUT A DOUBT.

RENE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING

HOLDING THAT SERVANT GIRL IN YOUR ARMS?

YOU STUPID WOMAN. CAN YOU NOT SEE?

THIS POOR CHILD, WEAK FROM HUNGER,

HAS BROKEN THIS VASE AND IS WONDERING

HOW SHE CAN PAY FOR IT FROM HER MEAGER WAGES.

NO, NO, NO. DO NOT FRET, CHILD.

YOU CAN PAY ON A MONTHLY BASIS...

OVER SEVERAL YEARS.

NOW GO AND OPEN YOUR MONEY BOX,

TAKE SOMETHING FROM IT AND SLIP IT IN THE TILL TOWARDS IT.

DO NOT WEEP, CHILD.

OH, I AM SORRY, RENE,

BUT I AM SO WORRIED ABOUT MAMMA.

SHE IS DEFINITELY OFF HER FOOD.

SHE SPAT THE SOUP RIGHT BACK OUT OF THE HOLE.

I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT.

WELL, NEVER MIND, OFFICER CRABTREE BROUGHT THE DYNAMITE.

OH, THANK HEAVENS. WE MUST HURRY.

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE IS ALREADY LATE

FOR AN EMBALMING.

WELL, I'M SURE THEY WILL WAIT.

FILTHY.

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO FIRE THOSE TWO CLEANING LADIES.

- RENE. - HUH?

DO YOU THINK I SHOULD WARN MAMMA ABOUT THE BIG BANG?

NO, LET IT COME AS A SURPRISE.

GOOD. THE COAST IS CLEAR.

WE WILL SNEAK UPSTAIRS

AND INTERROGATE THE OLD COUPLE

WITHOUT BEING SEEN.

MAKE NO NOISE WITH YOUR STICK, VON SMALLHAUSEN.

YES, HERR FLICK.

( stomping )

I HAVE LIT THE FUSES.

THERE SHOULD BE JUST ENOUGH

TO BLOW OFF THE HINGES.

DID YOU WARN YOUR MOTHER?

NO, I DID NOT WANT HER TO WORRY.

WE WISH TO INTERROGATE

MADAME FANNY AND THE PIANO PLAYER.

IS THIS THEIR ROOM?

YOU CANNOT GO IN THERE.

THE GESTAPO CAN GO ANYWHERE.

THERE HAS BEEN A SEVERE GAS LEAK.

IT IS VERY DANGEROUS.

I CANNOT SMELL ANYTHING.

VON SMALLHAUSEN, YOU ARE NEARER TO THE GROUND.

DOES YOUR BIG PROBOSCIS SMELL ANYTHING?

APART FROM A HINT OF CHEESE,

NOTHING.

THEN FOLLOW ME.

( explosion )

MAMMA, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

ERNEST,

WAS I DREAMING

OR WAS THERE AN ALMIGHTY BANG?

IT WAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

MY GOD, THE GESTAPO HAVE BEEN BLOWN TO LITTLE PIECES.

THEY WERE UNDER THE BED.

YOU WISH TO INTERROGATE MY MAMMA AND MONSIEUR LECLERC?

WELL, HERE THEY ARE.

WE WILL COME BACK WHEN OUR HEADACHES ARE BETTER.

GENERAL VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN HAS BECOME A LIABILITY.

THIS CRACKPOT PLAN TO KIDNAP CHURCHILL

WILL GET US INTO SERIOUS TROUBLE.

WE COULD ALL BE COURT-MARTIALED.

AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER MAY BE SHOT BY THE BRITISH.

WHICH WOULD BE MOST DISTRESSING.

WE MUST GET INTO THE HOSPITAL,

SEE VON KLINKERHOFFEN

AND ALERT HIM TO THE SITUATION.

BUT HE IS ROUND THE TWIST.

FOR A GERMAN GENERAL THAT IS NOT UNUSUAL.

AND LESS ROUND THE TWIST

IS BETTER THAN RIGHT ROUND THE TWIST.

IF WE CAN GET TO HIM,

HE CAN USE HIS INFLUENCE IN BERLIN

TO HAVE VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN REMOVED,

AND THIS MAD PLAN ABORTED.

BUT NO ONE CAN SEE GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.

THE PSYCHIATRIC WING HAS BEEN PLACED OUT OF BOUNDS.

WE MUST FIND A WAY OF GETTING IN.

MAY I SUGGEST, TO THIS END

THAT YOU ARRANGE FOR A LITTLE ENTERTAINMENT

AT CAFE RENE TONIGHT,

TO KEEP GENERAL VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN

OUT OF THE WAY,

WHILE I DISGUISE MYSELF AS A NURSE

AND GO TO THE HOSPITAL?

ON WHAT PRETEXT?

I WILL TAKE CAPTAIN BERTORELLI WITH ME,

WHO WILL PRETEND TO BE A PATIENT

IN NEED OF PSYCHIATRIC HELP,

AND TOGETHER WE WILL GAIN ACCESS

TO THE GENERAL'S ROOM.

I WAS GOING TO SUGGEST SOMETHING LIKE THAT MYSELF.

WAIT A MINUTE.

WHY I HAVE TO PLAY THE FRUITCAKE?

YOU WILL BE THE MOST BELIEVABLE.

I DON'T THINK I LIKE THIS PLAN.

MAYBE YOU'D LIKE ME TO RECOMMEND YOU

FOR THE DEATH OR GLORY SUICIDE SQUAD?

YOU'VE CONVINCED ME.

ALREADY I CAN FEEL A FIT COMING ON.

HOW NICE TO SEE YOU ALL.

SIT OVER HERE, PLEASE. THANK YOU.

I HAVE ARRANGED THE ENTERTAINMENT

YOU REQUESTED, COLONEL.

GET ON WITH IT, RENE.

YES, OF COURSE.

( claps )

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE.

IT IS CABARET TIME AT CAFE RENE.

AND THE FIRST ITEM ON THE BILL,

MY WIFE EDITH, MADAME EDITH,

WILL SING FOR YOU A SONG SHE HAS PREPARED.

SPLENDID.

WHAT IS THE CHEESE FOR?

TO STUFF IN YOUR EARS.

SURELY THAT IS NOT NECESSARY?

IT IS OPTIONAL.

♪ I LOVE THE MUSIC FROM BRAZIL ♪

♪ IT ALWAYS GIVES ME SUCH A THRILL ♪

♪ IT SAYS SO MANY THINGS IN DIFFERENT WAYS ♪

♪ AND EVERY TIME IT PLAYS ♪

♪ SHE BURSTS OUT OF HER STAYS ♪

♪ IT DRIVES ME CRACKERS ♪

♪ AND I CAN'T HELP MYSELF ♪

♪ I MUST ♪

♪ PLAY THE MARACAS ♪

♪ IT DRIVES ME CRACKERS ♪

♪ AND I CAN'T HELP MYSELF ♪

♪ I MUST, I MUST, I MUST ♪

♪ PLAY MY MARACAS ♪

- OLE! - OLE!

EVERYWHERE BLUEBOTTLEY, HA.

BLUEBOTTLEY--

TOTALLY ROUND THE BEND.

BLUEBOTTLEY, HA!

♪ AND SO I DRIVE THE BOYS ALL MAD AT NIGHT ♪

♪ AND THEY GO ♪

♪ CRACKERS ♪

♪ FOR MY MARACAS. ♪

- OLE! - OLE!

( little applause )

HAS SHE FINISHED YET?

I THINK SO.

THANK GOD FOR THAT.

WOULD YOU LIKE ANOTHER SONG, HERR GENERAL?

THEY ARE NOT MASOCHISTS, EDITH.

I COULD SING YOU A TRAGIC SONG.

YOU JUST DID.

WHAT DID THE GENERAL THINK?

I'M SURE YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN BETTER, DARLING.

IN FACT, YOUR VOICE REMINDS ME OF MY BOYHOOD

ON A FARM IN BAVARIA.

OH, YOU MEAN LIKE THE GOLDEN MAIDENS

WHO SING IN THE CORNFIELDS?

NO, THE THRESHING MACHINE.

I SHALL NOT SING AGAIN THIS NIGHT!

WHAT'S NEXT ON THE CABARET, RENE?

WE HAVE JUST LOST IT.

IN THAT CASE, I SHALL BE OFF TO SEE

HOW POOR OLD PIGGY'S GETTING ON.

OH, DON'T GO, GENERAL.

GRUBER, PLAY FOR THE GENERAL.

HE'D LIKE THAT.

OH, YOU PLAY, LIEUTENANT?

ONLY NOW AND THEN.

YOU REALLY ARE A TALENTED FELLOW.

SHOW ME WHAT YOU CAN DO.

RENE, LIEUTENANT GRUBER WOULD LIKE TO PLAY.

OF COURSE, COLONEL, YES.

Gruber: YOU WILL LIKE THIS ONE, RENE.

IT IS VERY APPROPRIATE FOR THE CAFE.

( plays piano intro )

♪ SEE WHAT THE BOYS ♪

♪ IN THE BACK ROOM WILL HAVE ♪

♪ AND TELL THEM I'M HAVING THE SAME ♪

♪ GO SEE WHAT THE BOYS IN THE BACK ROOM WILL HAVE ♪

♪ AND GIVE THEM THE POISON THEY NAME ♪

♪ AND WHEN I DIE ♪

♪ DON'T SPEND MY MONEY ♪

♪ ON FLOWERS AND MY PICTURE IN A FRAME ♪

Everyone: ♪ JUST SEE WHAT THE BOYS ♪

♪ IN THE BACK ROOM WILL HAVE ♪

♪ AND TELL THEM I SIGHED ♪

♪ AND TELL THEM I CRIED ♪

♪ CRIED ♪

♪ AND TELL THEM I DIED-- ♪

♪ OF THE SAME. ♪

BRAVO!

All: BRAVO! Colonel: BRAVO, GRUBER!

Bertorelli: BLUEBOTTLEY, BLUEBOTTLEY,

EVERYWHERE BLUEBOTTLEY.

IT IS I, HELGA.

HELGA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WHAT IS CAPTAIN BERTORELLI DOING?

YOU CAN STOP ACTING NOW!

I GET CARRIED AWAY WITH THE PART.

MY PHONE'S BEEN CUT OFF. I AM A PRISONER HERE.

HEADS WILL ROLL FOR THIS.

WE ARE GOING TO TRY TO GET YOU RELEASED, GENERAL.

BUT FIRST WE NEED THE PHONE NUMBERS

OF YOUR POWERFUL FRIENDS IN BERLIN,

TO OVERRIDE GENERAL VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN'S ORDERS.

WHAT ORDERS?

HE AND GENERAL VON BRATWURSTEN ARE PLANNING TO FLY TO ENGLAND

TO SNATCH CHURCHILL,

WHILE HE'S DOING A PAINTING IN THE BOGNOR.

FOOLS!

OUR INVASION PLANS ARE IMMINENT. THEY COULD BE JEOPARDIZED.

VON BRATWURSTEN IS A HOTHEAD,

AND VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN IS AN IDIOT.

YOU MUST GET ME OUT OF HERE NOW!

I MUST PHONE BERLIN PERSONALLY.

AND THEN I WILL DEAL WITH VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN.

BUT HOW?

HIS TROOPS HAVE THE ORDERS TO KEEP YOU HERE.

ARE MY MEN STILL AT THE CHATEAU?

YES, GENERAL.

HMM...

THE WINDOWS ARE BARRED.

WE MUST GO OUT THE WAY YOU CAME IN.

GET OFF YOUR UNIFORM.

- YES, GENERAL. - ( Bertorelli leers )

NO, NOT YOU, HELGA. YOU, BERTORELLI.

- HELGA, YOU CAN HELP ME. - BUT, GENERAL--

DO AS I SAY!

I CHANGE BEHIND THE SCREEN.

YOU COULD BE A CORPORAL AGAIN FOR THIS.

THANK YOU, GENERAL. BUT WHAT IS YOUR PLAN?

HURRY UP!

YOU PUSHED AN IDIOT IN. YOU'RE GOING TO WHEEL ONE OUT.

AND WHAT ABOUT ME?

WHEN I'M BACK IN COMMAND, YOU'LL BE RELEASED.

WHAT IF YOU HAVE THE SLIP UP?

THEN YOU'LL HAVE TO PROVE THAT YOU'RE NOT MAD.

I COULD BE HERE A LONG TIME.

YOU THERE,

MORE WINE!

GENERAL, DON'T YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH?

NO, WHEN I WAS IN THE CONDOR LEGION,

I COULD DRINK 10 MEN OFF THE TABLE.

AND THEY WERE REAL MEN.

HOW YOU MUST MISS THOSE DAYS.

PERHAPS THE GENERAL WOULD LIKE TO PAY

FOR THE OTHER BOTTLES NOW?

PUT IT ON THE SLATE, SWEETIE.

I'LL PAY FOR IT LATER.

- HOW MUCH LATER? - WHEN THE WAR IS OVER.

I WILL ORDER SOME NEW SLATES TOMORROW.

DON'T FORGET ME, PLEASE.

I GET ANOTHER MEDAL, YES?

YOU'RE HARDLY GOING TO GET THE IRON CROSS

JUST FOR LENDING ME YOUR UNIFORM.

QUICK, PRIVATE GEERHART,

TO MY HEADQUARTERS.

AND THEN WE WILL DEAL WITH VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN.

BLUEBOTTLEY, BLUEBOTTLEY,

EVERYWHERE THERE'S BLUEBOTTLIES.

MORE WINE! MORE WINE.

THAT GENERAL IS GOING TO BANKRUPT US

IF HE COMES HERE MUCH MORE OFTEN.

I DO NOT LIKE HIM, RENE.

HE HAS MEAN LITTLE EYES,

AND HE IS CLEARLY TONE DEAF.

WELL, YOU SHOULD KNOW.

YOU KNOW, THIS WINE IS NO GOOD.

YOU THERE, PEASANT, COME HERE.

THIS PEASANT, OR THIS PEASANT?

THE ONE WITH THE MUSTACHE.

GENERAL?

DO YOU KNOW, I WOULD NOT BE SURPRISED

IF YOU'RE HIDING YOUR BEST WINES FROM US?

YES, SO WHERE IS YOUR WINE CELLAR?

I WISH TO SEE FOR MYSELF.

I ASSURE YOU, GENERAL, I HAVE GIVEN YOU

THE FINEST WINES THAT I POSSESS.

SO YOU SAY.

BUT I WILL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT, HMM?

OH, ALL RIGHT. IF YOU MUST.

IT IS THE DOOR IN THE PASSAGE.

BUT THERE IS NO LIGHT.

WELL THEN, GIVE ME A CANDLE.

WE DO NOT HAVE ANY.

NO? NO CANDLES?

THEN WHAT IS THIS?

A CANDLE, GENERAL.

YES, IT'S A CANDLE.

♪ SEE WHAT THE BOYS ♪

♪ IN THE BACK ROOM WILL HAVE... ♪

WHY DID YOU LEAVE THEM THERE?! THAT WAS DYNAMITE!

HOW WAS I TO KNOW HE WAS GOING TO ASK FOR A CANDLE?

MOUTON CADET, EH?

ST. JULIEN.

LET US TAKE THE MONEY FROM THE TILL,

AND LEG IT ACROSS THE FRONTIER.

TOO LATE, IT IS THE END.

NO ONE WILL NOTICE US. WE CAN SLIP OUT QUIETLY.

WHERE IS GENERAL VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN?

I'M BACK IN COMMAND. HE'S UNDER ARREST.

IN THE CELLAR, GENERAL.

MAY I SAY, GENERAL,

HOW RELIEVED WE ARE TO SEE YOU?

WE HOPED OUR LITTLE PLAN WOULD WORK.

- ( explosion ) - ( people scream )

WHAT WAS THAT EXPLOSION?

POSSIBLY AN EXPLODING CORK.

SOME OF MY CHAMPAGNE IS VERY OLD.

THE CANDLE EXPLODED.

IT WAS A STICK OF DYNAMITE.

I AM SORRY, I DID NOT INTEND TO GIVE HIM DYNAMITE.

IT WAS LEFT THERE BY SOMEBODY I DO NOT KNOW,

TO GIVE TO SOMEBODY I HAD NEVER HEARD OF.

YOU CARRIED OUT OUR INSTRUCTIONS

TO THE LETTER, RENE.

YOU ARE QUITE A HERO.

THIS MAN,

AT GREAT PERSONAL RISK,

GAVE THE GENERAL AN EXPLODING CANDLE,

TO RENDER HIM UNABLE TO CARRY OUT

HIS MADCAP SCHEME,

WHICH COULD HAVE REFLECTED BADLY ON YOUR COMMAND.

WHERE AM I?

WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE?

IS MY HEAD ON THE RIGHT WAY ROUND?

TAKE THE GENERAL TO THE HOSPITAL--

FRUITCAKE WARD--

AND RELEASE CAPTAIN BERTORELLI. QUICK MARCH.

EXCELLENT WORK.

AND YOU, MY FINE FELLOW.

I SHALL RECOMMEND YOU FOR A COLLABORATION MEDAL.

A COLLABORATION MEDAL?

OH MY GOD, THAT IS THE LAST THING I NEED.

OH, RENE, WOULD YOU LIKE ME

TO SING YOU A SONG TO SOOTHE YOUR NERVES?

WELL, THEY DO SAY THAT--

ONE PAIN CAN CANCEL OUT ANOTHER.

♪ FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN ♪

♪ NEVER WANTED TO... ♪

( theme music playing )