Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪ - ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪

♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ YOU'LL SEE THAT LIFE IS A BALL AGAIN ♪

♪ LAUGHTER IS CALLING FOR YOU ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪ - ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪

OKAY, THERE'S YOUR RECEIPT AND THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

(softly humming)

- GOOD MORNING. - (gasps loudly)

OH... OH...

MAY I HELP YOU?

(sighs) BETTER YET, MAY I HELP YOU?

- WHAT? - WELL... OH OH DEAR.

OH OH MY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME.

I SEEM TO BE ALL THUMBS TODAY.

I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.

OH, OH...

DID YOU COME IN TO PICK UP SOME FLOWERS?

NO, BUT THAT'S WHAT I SEEM TO BE DOING.

OH... (lightly chuckles)

FOR YOU.

I'M MR. HALIDAY, THE CREEPING CHARLIE.

CHARLIE HALIDAY?

NO, GREG HALIDAY. I ORDERED A CREEPING CHARLIE FOR MY BEACH HOUSE.

OH RIGHT, OF COURSE. I'M SORRY, CREEPY... I MEAN CHARLIE!

(screams) NO, I MEAN GREG!

- OH I MEAN... I'M SORRY. - THAT'S OKAY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME TODAY.

I'M JUST HAVING ONE OF THOSE DAYS. (giggles nervously)

- YOUR NAME IS? - JANET... WOOD.

O-O, W-O-O-D. JANET WOOD, THAT'S MY NAME.

- JANET? - YES.

THAT'S A LOVELY NAME, JANET.

OH WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- OH... HERE'S YOUR PLANT, MR. HALIDAY. - OH.

IT'S ALL READY.

- THANKS. - OH SURE.

- HOW MUCH? - HOW MUCH WHAT?

- HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU? - OH YOU DON'T OWE ME ANYTHING.

YOU MEAN FOR THE PLANT. (clears throat)

THAT'S... THAT PLANT IS $15.

15... OH UH...

BY THE WAY, DO YOU HAVE ANY BOSTON FERN?

- OH NO, I'M SORRY. - THAT'S TOO BAD.

ACTUALLY...

WE DID HAVE SOME, BUT THEY WERE LOOKING REALLY PUNY

SO I TOOK THEM HOME TO MY APARTMENT.

LUCKY FERNS.

YES, WELL, YOU KNOW HOW PLANTS ARE.

THEY JUST THRIVE ON LOVE AND AFFECTION.

OH I AGREE.

I BELIEVE EVERY LIVING THING NEEDS LOVE AND AFFECTION.

ME TOO! I JUST LOVE GIVING LOVE TO LIVING THINGS!

- REALLY? - OH YEAH...

WELL, WHAT I MEAN IS THAT...

IF THERE WASN'T ANY GIVING LOVE THEN THERE WOULDN'T BE ANY LIVING THINGS.

NO, WHAT I MEAN IS...

WHAT I MEANT TO SAY WAS THAT... (stutters)

PLANTS ARE JUST LIKE PEOPLE. THEY'RE JUST LIKE PEOPLE. THEY NEED LOVE...

AND WATER AND FERTILIZER.

- THAT'S ONE WAY OF PUTTING IT. - YEAH, THAT'S ONE WAY. (giggles)

GOOD... WELL, HERE IS...

TO BAD ABOUT THE NEPHROLEPIS EXALTATA.

OH AM I IMPRESSED!

YOU KNOW THE LATIN NAME FOR BOSTON FERN?

WELL, THERE'S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT FERNS THAT TURNS ME ON.

REALLY?

WELL, THEY'RE SO QUIET AND MYSTERIOUS.

(gasps) YOU SHOULD SEE MY ASPARAGUS SPRENGERI.

I'LL BET IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

(both chuckling)

- WELL... GEE. - GEE.

IT'S BEEN A REAL PLEASURE TALKING TO YOU, JANET.

OH WELL, I'VE ENJOYED IT TOO, GREG.

WELL...

- WAIT! - YES?

UH...

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE THOSE FERNS,

I COULD SHOW THEM TO YOU.

YOU MEAN THE ONES IN YOUR APARTMENT?

OH YES, YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN THE FERNS,

I WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO SEE THEM...

IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN THOSE FERNS.

FINE. I'D LOVE TO LOOK AT ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO SHOW ME.

I GET OFF AT 6:30.

- GREAT, I'LL PICK YOU UP. - GREAT!

(screaming)

OH, PLEASE BE HOME!

(phone ringing)

HELLO? OH HI, JANET! WHAT'S NEW?

HUH?! A CREEPING CHARLIE?

IS THAT ANYTHING LIKE A PEEPING TOM?

OH... OH REALLY!

OH HE SOUNDS FANTASTIC. I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET HIM.

OH ACTUALLY, CHRISSY, WE SORT OF PLANNED TO BE ALONE TONIGHT.

- WHERE ARE YOU AND GREG GOING? - TO OUR APARTMENT.

- OH WHERE ARE JACK AND I GOING? - OUT.

- PLEASE? - OH JANET, I WAS GONNA WASH MY HAIR TONIGHT.

OH BUT, CHRISSY, GEE, I'VE JUST MET HIM.

I DON'T KNOW HOW HE'LL REACT TO THE THREE OF US LIVING TOGETHER.

- AREN'T YOU GONNA TELL HIM? - OH SURE,

BUT LATER ON, AFTER WE KNOW EACH OTHER JUST A LITTLE BETTER.

LISTEN, CHRISSY, TONIGHT I WANT EVERYTHING TO ROCK BUT THE BOAT.

(chuckling) OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

JACK AND I WILL BE OUT OF HERE BY 7:00. OKAY, BYE-BYE.

- HEY, CHRISSY? - YEAH?

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT TUNA CASSEROLE FOR DINNER.

- I'D LOVE IT. - GOOD.

- BUT DON'T MAKE IT. - WHAT?

YOU AND I ARE GOING OUT TONIGHT.

YOU SEE, JANET'S MET THIS TERRIFIC NEW GUY

AND SHE'S INVITED HIM BACK HERE.

JANET ASKED A GUY OUT? WHY?

SO HE WOULDN'T ASK HER OUT.

NOW WHY DON'T I UNDERSTAND THAT?

THIS WAY SHE GETS THE HOME COURT ADVANTAGE.

HOME COURT ADVANTAGE?

WELL, SURE! IT'S ALWAYS EASIER

FOR A GIRL TO BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF IN HER OWN HOME.

OH REALLY?

OKAY, CHRISSY, YOU SERVE, I'LL RECEIVE.

- NO, JACK, I DON'T PLAY THAT GAME. - (both chuckle)

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO TONIGHT?

UH... I GOT IT! THE BASKETBALL GAME.

- OH I LOVE WATCHING BASKETBALL! - YEAH!

I ONCE HAD A DATE WITH A BASKETBALL PLAYER.

- HOW WAS IT? - SO-SO.

- WASN'T HE GOOD COMPANY? - I DON'T KNOW.

HE WAS SO TALL, EVERYTHING HE SAID WENT RIGHT OVER MY HEAD.

(snorting)

I BETTER CATCH LARRY BEFORE HE GETS RID OF THOSE TICKETS.

IT'S GONNA BE SO MUCH FUN!

WILKES DRIBBLES DOWN FOUL LINE!

CROSS COURTS THE BALL TO DANTLEY! DANTLEY FAKES OUT TO CENTER,

GOES UP, PASSES THE BALL TO MARTIN... NIXON!

NIXON LOOKS AROUND, THROWS THE BALL TO JABBAR.

JABBAR TAKES IT AND SAYS, "THANKS, SHORTY,"

BOUNCES THE BALL A COUPLE OF TIMES,

TURNS FOR HIS FAMOUS PIVOT JUMP SHOT, AND THERE IT GOES!

- (screams) - (tumbling down stairs)

JACK?

JACK, DID YOU FALL?

(groans)

- OH JACK, DID YOU FALL? - (groans)

- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? - HE'S NOT HURT,

BUT HE BROKE MY RUBBER TREE PLANT!

OH MY LEGS... MOMMY! OH THERE IT IS.

ARGH, I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING IN MY LEFT LEG.

SEE? IT DOESN'T HURT.

WE BETTER GET HIM TO A HOSPITAL.

OH YOU'RE RIGHT. STANLEY, GIVE HER THE KEYS TO YOUR CAR.

- MY CAR? - YEAH, JACK CAN LIE DOWN IN THE BACK SEAT.

IS THERE ENOUGH ROOM?

I WOULDN'T KNOW.

HERE. IT MIGHT NEED SOME GAS.

IT TAKES PREMIUM.

IT TAKES REGULAR. STANLEY, HELP HIM UP!

- ALL RIGHT. - Jack: HERE.

- LET ME PUT MY ARM AROUND YOUR SHOULDER. - HEY.

- THIS IS AN EMERGENCY. DON'T GET CUTE. - I WAS JUST...

(squeals)

- GOT HIM, CHRISSY? - YEAH.

CHRISSY, STAY CLOSE TO ME. IN CASE I FALL, I'D LIKE SOMETHING SOFT TO LAND ON.

HUH? OH.

OH STANLEY, YOU'VE BEEN OUT HERE FOR AGES.

- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? - YEAH, I'M THINKING ABOUT JACK.

OH THAT'S NICE.

YOU'RE REALLY WORRIED ABOUT HIM.

OF COURSE, I'M WORRIED ABOUT HIM!

IF HE'S HURT BAD, HE COULD SUE ME.

WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?

BECAUSE HE SLIPPED ON MY WET STEPS.

I JUST FINISHED HOSING THEM DOWN.

- OH... - YOU'LL SEE.

HE'LL SUE ME, AND MY INSURANCE PREMIUMS

WILL GO RIGHT THROUGH THE ROOF.

OH DON'T BE SILLY. IT'S JUST A LITTLE BRUISE.

YOU KNOW JACK. HE'S YOUNG.

HE'S IN FINE PHYSICAL CONDITION.

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

HE'S PROBABLY UP AND FLITTING AROUND RIGHT NOW.

OH HI, MR. ROPER AND MRS. ROPER.

UH... WHAT'S THAT?

- (Mrs. Roper gasps) - THE DOCTOR SAID HIS LEG IS FRACTURED.

- OH JACK! I'M SO SORRY! - THANKS.

LISTEN, CHRISSY, I THINK I SHOULD GO UPSTAIRS

- AND GET A LITTLE REST. - YEAH.

- THANKS FOR YOUR CAR, MR. ROPER. - OH.

- OH... - REMEMBER, JACK,

I LOANED YOU MY CAR.

- I APPRECIATE THAT, MR. ROPER. - AND YOU COULD FORGET ABOUT THE GAS THAT YOU USED.

- IT'S ON ME. - OH GOOD.

THAT'S VERY NICE OF YOU, MR. ROPER.

NEED A COUPLE OF ASPIRIN, JACK?

I'LL LET YOU HAVE IT FOR NOTHING.

HELEN, GIVE HIM SOME ASPIRIN.

NO, MR. ROPER, IT'S OKAY. I'M OKAY.

REMEMBER, I'M THE ONE WHO PICKED YOU UP, REMEMBER THAT.

Jack: I APPRECIATE THAT. YOU'VE BEEN VERY KIND.

THANKS FOR EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE.

YOU HEAR THAT? HE'S GONNA SUE ME.

CHRISSY, I TELL YOU. I COULD STILL COOK DINNER.

JUST PROP ME UP AGAINST THE STOVE.

NO, JACK, THE DOCTOR SAID YOU SHOULD REST.

HEY, DON'T WORRY. WE'LL HAVE YOU UP AND RUNNING IN NO TIME.

- I'LL COOK THE MEALS. - THAT'LL DO IT.

I WONDER IF I'LL STILL BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN.

SURE.

- I THINK YOU OUGHT TO WAIT TILL YOUR LEG HEALS, THOUGH. - YEAH.

OW, OW, OW... - (sighs) - (groans)

NOW WE DON'T WANT YOUR LEG CATCHING COLD NOW DO WE?

NO, IT'S TOUGH WHEN YOUR TOES GET THE SNIFFLES.

THERE, HOW'S THAT?

AW, CHRISSY, YOU'RE A REGULAR FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE.

AW, I DON'T SING THAT WELL.

WELL, I'LL JUST LET YOU REST, OKAY?

(moans)

- WHAT IS IT? - (groans)

- OH MY HEAD! - WHAT?

CHRISSY, I HAVE A HEADACHE.

COULD YOU PLEASE RUB MY TEMPLES?

OH!

- OH POOR BABY, OH... - (sighs)

- HOW'S THAT? - OH IT FEELS SO GOOD!

HAS THE PAIN GONE AWAY?

NOT YET, CHRISSY. I'M A VERY SLOW HEALER.

JACK, ISN'T THERE SOMETHING THAT YOU AND I SHOULD BE DOING?

- I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO WAIT TILL MY LEG HEALS. - NO.

I MEAN I JUST FEEL LIKE I'VE FORGOTTEN SOMETHING.

CHRISSY, RELAX. I NEVER FORGET ANYTHING.

WELL, HERE WE ARE.

OH VERY NICE, JANET.

I JUST REMEMBERED WHAT I NEVER FORGET.

YEAH, WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.

QUICK, CHRISSY, HIDE!

OW!

CHRISSY...

- MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME. - THANK YOU.

I LIKE IT.

IT'S JUST LIKE YOU: WARM, CHARMING, SO ATTRACTIVE.

- (both giggling) - THAT'S THE SAME LINE I ALWAYS USE.

IT IS?

THEN I ALWAYS SAY, "IT MUST GET LONELY

SLEEPING IN THIS BIG APARTMENT, ALL ALONE."

IT MUST GET LONELY SLEEPING IN A BIG APARTMENT

ALL ALONE.

JACK, THAT'S AMAZING!

WELL, HERE'S WHAT YOU CAME UP HERE TO SEE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THEM?

Greg: OH!

THOSE ARE TWO BEAUTIES!

I'VE NEVER SEEN SUCH GORGEOUS EXALTATAS!

EXALTATAS?

I'VE NEVER HEARD THEM CALLED THAT BEFORE.

(whispers) EXALTATAS.

YOU KNOW IF YOU WANT THEM TO GROW,

YOU HAVE TO PUT THEM IN THE WINDOW AT LEAST ONCE A DAY.

(laughs)

I KNOW, BUT I'M SO CONCERNED ABOUT THEM GETTING TOO MUCH SUNLIGHT.

THEY'RE SO DELICATE.

OH NO, YOU'D BE SURPRISED THE ROUGH TREATMENT THEY CAN TAKE.

THEY LOOK KIND OF DRY.

- DRY? - WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU STEAMED THEM?

A COUPLE WEEKS AGO.

I THINK THEY'RE ABOUT DUE AGAIN.

I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.

- (Janet groans) - I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!

FERNS ARE VERY STURDY PLANTS, YOU KNOW.

- FERNS? - OF COURSE, FERNS.

AND YOU OUGHTA BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF FOR WHAT YOU WERE THINKING, CHRISSY.

- WATCH OUT. - OKAY.

(water running)

AW, THERE'S NOTHING LIKE STEAM TO PERK UP A FERN.

YOU KNOW, IF I DIDN'T KNOW BETTER, I'D SAY THAT THIS LITTLE GUY IS SMILING.

(both giggle)

THEY'RE COMING OUT OF THE BATHROOM TOGETHER! (laughs)

HEY, YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY OUGHT TO REST. WHY DON'T YOU GO TO BED?

AND MISS THIS? FORGET IT, CHRISSY.

COME ON, THE DOCTOR SAID YOU'VE GOTTA GET SOME REST! NOW COME TO BED.

CHRISSY, CHRISSY, COULD YOU HAND ME THE CRUTCH PLEASE?

- OH HERE... OH! - (squeals)

- WHAT WAS THAT? - I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, IT CAME FROM THAT ROOM. I BETTER HAVE A LOOK.

- WELL, BE CAREFUL. - DON'T WORRY. I CAN HANDLE MYSELF.

- WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING? - YEAH, FELLA!

NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

YOU KNOW THESE PEOPLE?

IN A WAY...

WELL YOU SEE... IN A WAY, YOU SEE, WE'RE NEIGHBORS.

WE LIVE IN THE APARTMENT UPSTAIRS. IT LOOKS JUST LIKE THIS ONE!

(both snickering)

WE MAKE THIS MISTAKE ALL THE TIME.

THE WIFE AND I SOMETIMES DON'T KNOW WHERE WE'RE GONNA WAKE UP.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, SUGAR DUMPLING?

OKAY, FELLA, UP ON YOUR FEET. COME ON.

OH BUT... HE CAN ONLY GET UP ON ONE FOOT.

WHAT?

- THIS ONE'S BROKEN. - BROKEN?!

OH JACK, HOW DID IT HAPPEN?

WELL, JANET, WHEN I LEFT HERE THIS MORNING...

OH WHOA, "WHEN I LEFT HERE THIS MORNING?" OH HE'S YOUR NEIGHBOR, HUH?

GREG, THESE ARE MY ROOMMATES.

THIS IS CHRISSY SNOW AND THIS IS JACK TRIPPER.

- OH JACK... - ROOMMATES?!

YOU SAID YOU LIVED ALONE.

NO, NOT EXACTLY. I SAID THAT WE WOULD BE ALONE.

HEY, HEY, PLEASE, DON'T BLAME JANET.

WE PROMISED HER WE WOULDN'T BE HERE.

- YEAH, WE WANTED TO GIVE HER THE HOME COURT ADVANTAGE. - CHRISSY!

YOU'RE NOT HELPING.

OH JACK, DOES IT HURT VERY BAD?

- YEAH. - YEAH?

Mr. Roper: YOO HOO, ANYBODY HOME?

- WHO'S THAT? ANOTHER ROOMMATE? - NO.

NO, THAT'S OUR LANDLORD. I'LL GO GET RID OF HIM.

Jack: LISTEN, CAN I...

- MR. ROPER... - WHERE'S JACK? I WANT TO TALK TO HIM.

- JACK BROKE HIS LEG. - I KNOW HE BROKE HIS LEG.

- THAT'S WHY I GOTTA TALK TO HIM. - COME ON, STANLEY...

LET HIM REST. THE POOR BOY'S BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH TODAY.

HE CAN REST AFTER WE SETTLE THIS. NOW WHERE IS HE?

HE'S IN HIS BEDROOM.

I'M NOT GONNA GO IN THERE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY, STANLEY. A BROKEN LEG ISN'T CATCHING.

- JANET, - OH...

- JACK WAS EXPLAINING TO ME... - WHO'S THIS GUY?

THESE ARE THE ROPERS, THIS IS GREG HALIDAY.

- Mrs. Roper: HOW DO YOU DO? - OH... I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.

HE HIRED HIMSELF A LAWYER.

- WHAT? - MR. ROPER, EXCUSE ME, BUT GREG...

YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME, FELLA. YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET A NICKEL OUT OF ME.

I MEAN, IS IT MY FAULT THAT THOSE KIND OF GUYS HAVE SOFT BONES?

DON'T GET SO EXCITED.

OH IT'S OKAY. LET HIM GET EXCITED.

WELL, HI, EVERYBODY.

- OH JACK... - HI, JACK.

OH LOOK AT THAT. STILL WEARING THE CAST, HUH?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN STILL? THE DOCTOR SAID I HAVE TO WAIT SIX WEEKS

BEFORE I CAN TAKE IT OFF.

SIX WEEKS? THAT'S A LONG TIME TO WAIT.

I'VE WAITED LONGER.

SIX WEEKS, HUH?

I GUESS THAT IS A LITTLE BIT OF AN INCONVENIENCE FOR YOU

BUT IT DID HAPPEN IN MY APARTMENT HOUSE,

SO I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GONNA DO. JUST SIGN THIS.

IT SAYS YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SUE ME OR ANYTHING. I'LL GIVE YOU $50 IN CASH.

MR. ROPER, I'M NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR $50.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL DOUBLE IT. $100, BUT THAT'S MY FINAL OFFER.

- HONEST, MR. ROPER... - ALL RIGHT, I'LL DOUBLE MY FINAL OFFER...

- $200, BUT THAT'S IT. - MR. ROPER,

I'D RATHER NOT TALK ABOUT MONEY, OKAY?

OH I GET IT.

I GET IT.

YOU WANT YOUR LAWYER HERE TO TALK FOR YOU.

- I AM NOT A LAWYER... - DON'T TALK TO ME, YOU SHYSTER!

I GOTTA GO LIE DOWN.

I BETTER GO WITH HIM.

IT'S NOT OFTEN HE'S LYING DOWN AND EXCITED AT THE SAME TIME.

OH, UH... (clears throat)

CHRISSY, WILL YOU HELP ME SIT DOWN ON THIS COUCH HERE?

JACK, I THINK THAT JANET AND GREG WOULD LIKE TO BE ALONE.

OH, OH, OH... SURE, I UNDERSTAND.

WELL, CHRISSY, WOULD YOU HELP ME LIMP DOWN TO THE REGAL BEAGLE?

NOTHING DOING. I WANT YOU IN BED!

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SIT DOWN?

- YES. - OKAY.

- THANK YOU. - UH, GREG,

I THINK I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.

I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU ABOUT MY ROOMMATES. I HOPE YOU'RE NOT ANGRY.

NO, WHY SHOULD I BE ANGRY?

I LIKE THE ARRANGEMENT...

THEM IN THEIR ROOM AND US IN OUR ROOM.

OH YEAH, IT IS KIND OF COZY IN HERE, ISN'T IT?

(chuckles)

I WASN'T TALKING ABOUT THIS ROOM.

I WAS TALKING ABOUT YOUR BEDROOM.

- MY BEDROOM? - MM...

OH BUT IT'S SO COMFORTABLE HERE ON THE COUCH.

BUT IT WOULD BE SO MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE ON THE BED.

UH GREG, ARE YOU TRYING TO ASK ME SOMETHING

OR ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING?

LOOK, YOUR FRIEND JACK MAY BE WEARING A CAST,

- BUT I'M NOT. - WAIT A MINUTE.

- DID YOU COME OVER TONIGHT EXPECTING... - NATURALLY.

MAN DOES NOT LIVE ON FERNS ALONE.

AND YOU JUST ASSUMED THAT I WOULD GO TO BED WITH YOU?

(scoffs) AFTER ALL, YOU INVITED ME UP HERE, REMEMBER?

WHAT ELSE WAS I TO ASSUME?

WELL, LET ME MAKE ONE THING PERFECTLY CLEAR, MR. HALIDAY,

JUST BECAUSE A WOMAN INVITES YOU TO HER HOME

DOESN'T MEAN SHE WANTS TO PLAY HOUSE.

JUST BECAUSE I INVITED YOU INSTEAD OF YOU INVITING ME,

THAT'S NO REASON FOR YOU TO THINK I'M A PUSHOVER!

DON'T MIND ME, I'M JUST PASSING THROUGH.

THAT'S A GOOD POINT!

OKAY, HOW ABOUT IF I HAD INVITED YOU OVER TO MY PLACE?

- THEN WE'D HAVE NO PROBLEM. - THERE'S ONLY ONE BATHROOM.

OF ALL THE ARROGANT, CONCEITED MEN!

- IT'S ALL THE ORANGE JUICE I DRANK EARLIER. - Greg: OKAY...

I'M NOT PUSHY.

IF YOU FEEL THAT YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE GIRLS

THAT WANTS TO WAIT TILL THE SECOND DATE...

- OH! - LISTEN, I'LL TURN THE WATER ON.

I WON'T HEAR A THING. GO AHEAD.

LISTEN YOU, I HAVE NO INTENTION

OF BECOMING ONE MORE STATISTIC IN YOUR LITTLE BLACK BOOK.

- (thumps) - (Jack screams)

WHAT HAPPENED?

- (Jack grunting) - Chrissy: OH!

- Janet: OH... - EXCUSE ME, I BROKE THE ONES ON THE FLOOR,

BUT THE ONE HANGING IN THE SHOWER IS OKAY. SORRY...

ALL RIGHT...

$250 AND THAT'S MY FINAL, FINAL OFFER.

LOOK, ONCE AND FOR ALL, I AM NOT A LAWYER,

AND I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT LAW.

YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT WOMEN EITHER.

- WELL, HOW DO YOU KNOW? - WHAT?

BETWEEN YOU AND HIM AND HIM, I NEVER HAD A CHANCE!

- WELL... - (Greg mumbles)

- WAIT... - I'LL TELL YOU ANOTHER THING,

I HATE FERNS!

(growls)

WAIT A MINUTE. YOU MEAN HE REALLY ISN'T A LAWYER?

HE REALLY ISN'T AN ANYTHING!

- YOU'RE NOT GONNA SUE ME? - NO, I TOLD YOU!

I DON'T WANT YOUR MONEY.

OH GOOD, GOOD...

THEN YOU OWE ME $27.50 FOR BREAKING MY RUBBER TREE PLANT.

- MR. ROPER... - WHAT'S THAT?

DON'T GO IN THERE, MR. ROPER.

DON'T TELL ME NOT TO GO IN THERE.

I'LL GO IN ANY PLACE I PLEASE. I'M THE LANDLORD, REMEMBER?

- WAIT A SECOND, - MR. ROPER...

- I THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO ME... - MR. ROPER!

- HANG ON... - (Mr. Roper screams)

(thumping, clanging)

Chrissy: YOU BROKE HER FERN!

I COULDN'T SEE.

- WELL, NOW WE'RE EVEN. - HUH?

THAT'S JANET'S POLICY AT THE STORE:

YOU BREAK IT, YOU BOUGHT IT.

THAT'S RIGHT, MR. ROPER.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO WRAP THIS,

OR DO YOU WANT TO WEAR IT HOME?

THANK YOU.

(screams)

I'M SO SORRY, MR. ROPER!

JANET, CHRISSY, GET OUT HERE!

I GOT SOMETHING TO SHOW YOU!

DO YOU NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT ABOUT ME?

UH... YOU SHAVED YOUR MOUSTACHE.

NO, I NEVER HAD A MOUSTACHE.

IT'S THE LEG, THE LEG!

YOU SHAVED YOUR LEG?

CHRISSY, THE CAST IS OFF AND THE DOCTOR SAID

I COULD DO ANYTHING I WANT!

OH JACK, THAT'S GREAT!

IT SURE IS. COME HERE, CHRISSY.

- WHERE... (squealing) - YOU'RE NEXT, JANET.

(theme music playing)

Ritter's voice: THREE'S COMPANY WAS VIDEOTAPED

IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.