Original subtitles

[music playing]

Excuse me, I bought this watch of you this morning.

Rolex, classy.

All the way from Switzerland.

It stopped.

It's not my problem.

Hey, well, what about the 250 I paid for it?

We don't do refunds on our stuff.

Yeah, well, then I'll just swap it for one of these that--

Because it's all stolen.

We are dealers in secondhand goods.

GPS, brand new, no box.

What ship did that come from?

Oh, marine guidance systems, digital cameras,

mini DVs, watches.

Tourists everywhere are patting their pockets

going, hang on a sec.

Mate, if I were you, I'd report them to the cops.

Maybe a warrant out for them.

BILLY WEBB: Yeah, yeah, maybe I will.

Hey, mate.

Maybe we can do a deal on something else, huh?

Camera, another watch?

What about this little guy?

Serchi.

I can't sell him.

He's my pet.

How much?

Five hundred, and it would be breaking my heart.

300, and the Omega is a replacement for my new

found friend over there.

BILLY WEBB: Mate, what are you doing?

And we say nothing more about how your store gets it's stock.

Hey, little guy.

Come here, little guy.

Come on.

Going tick tock.

[laughs] Hey, mate.

You're crazy, mate.

You can't take a monkey on board Hammersley.

I don't know the meaning of the word can't.

Jump in. Hey?

Come on, into the bag.

[music playing]

[non-english speech]

But maybe you know the meaning of the word run.

Run. - What?

[non-english speech]

BILLY WEBB: What did you do? [shouting]

Sorry.

Whoa, look out.

[shouting]

The hell did you do?

LEO KOSOV-MEYER: Ah, a bit of monkey magic.

Turned 300 to 200.

Excuse me.

You've ripped them off. - Join the navy.

See the world.

Meet interesting people.

[LAUGHS]

Run, man.

Winners are grinners.

[making monkey sounds]

BILLY WEBB: Mate, you're crazy.

Crazy is my middle name.

BILLY WEBB: You've got enough names

with your double-barrelled the last one.

Leo crazy Kosov-Meyer.

You know, if I did have two dads,

they'd both be really proud of me right about now.

BILLY WEBB: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Go, go, go.

Oi, What do you think you're doing?

Turn around walk away, mate.

Or you want me to come down there, do you?

[theme song]

MIKE FLYNN: So no one's got any idea

why those guys were chucking bottles at us last night?

Maybe they weren't aiming at us in particular.

They looked pretty well aimed to me, boss.

MIKE FLYNN: No one had any run ins on shore leave yesterday?

No, boss.

No, sir.

Ah, just some locals, boss, returning our goodwill.

Yes, thank you, two dads.

Change you attitude, leader.

Let the local authorities know.

They can chase it up.

Yes, sir.

Special sea duty men, close up.

[music playing]

After you, Nav.

Just the girl I'm looking for.

I wanted to see how you are.

I'm fine.

Nik, I know how much you miss ET.

We all do.

So hard.

Everything's the same, but it's not.

It's different.

I still expect to see him every time I turn a corner.

That new guy, two dads.

He's the complete opposite.

Mhm.

Every time I see him, I just--

just reminded ET is gone.

Have you come back to work too soon?

You need some more leave.

No.

No, couldn't bear hanging around at home.

Work has been the only thing getting me through.

Is it just me, or is Lancelot getting fatter?

[laughter]

NIKKI CAETANO: Great, creating the world's

first ever obese clown fish.

[monkey noises]

RO will kill you if you leave peanut shells on his rack.

Just keep an eye out.

[LAUGHS] Did you see that?

He caught it.

Oh, man.

Going to teach you all sorts of little skills

when I get you past customs. Huh?

Mate, forget customs.

Try getting past the X. And that other crap too.

She always does an if we've been in a foreign port.

Then I'll distract her with my monkey magic.

Mate, the ex is very, very undistractable.

Trust me.

LEO KOSOV-MEYER: I haven't met an officer yet that I couldn't

soft shoe shuffle. [LAUGHS] So people are putty in my paws

like those tossers at the market.

No wonder they were throwing empties at us.

NIKKI CAETANO: Leader.

Yes, ma'am.

Do you know something about the incident on the wharf?

Some men threw bottles at the ship.

You'd had contact with them?

None to speak of.

Didn't sound that way.

Slip of the ear, ma'am.

Care for a peanut?

Why don't you offer one to the CO?

MIKE FLYNN: So those men and you?

We had a slight disagreement at the market.

That's all.

About what?

The value of certain items they had for sale.

MIKE FLYNN: What items?

What items?

Sorry about that.

Sarongs.

I bought sarongs for me sister, and those guys ripped me off.

Overcharged big time.

MIKE FLYNN: So this led to the incident at the wharf how?

I, um, gave them a taste of their own medicine.

You cheated them.

LEO KOSOV-MEYER: I'd like to see it as evening

up the scoreboard, sir.

BILLY WEBB: So they came all the way

down to the wharf to throw bottles

at a warship over some sarongs.

Is that what you're saying?

I know.

Who would've thought they would have taken it so badly.

Two dad's we were on a goodwill visit.

We're not going to spread much with you ripping off locals.

It won't happen again, boss.

It better not.

Not the right way for you to start your tour with us.

No, sir.

I'm sorry, sir.

Back to work.

Aye, sir.

Sarongs.

[LAUGHS] What do you make of our new electronics tech?

Up himself and unprofessional.

It's early days.

CAPTAIN ANU TAGORE [OVER RADIO]: Mayday, mayday, mayday.

This is Captain Anu Tagore of the fishing vessel, Monsoon.

We are disabled, over.

Fishing vessel Monsoon, this is

Captain Mike Flynn of the Australian warship Hammersley.

What's you situation, over.

CAPTAIN ANU TAGORE [OVER RADIO]: Ah, we had to go full astern

to avoid a collision with a reef.

Our engine has seized.

There's some problem with the gears, over.

What's your position?

CAPTAIN ANU TAGORE [OVER RADIO]: Ten degrees, forty south,

1- 3- 1- 10 east, over.

NIKKI CAETANO: They're in the middle

of a shallow reef system, sir.

Lots of bommies and coral close to the surface.

There is a deeper channel which runs almost

the whole way through it.

So if we altered course, our passage

time would be increased, but it would be a safer journey.

Well, they're not in danger of sinking

so let's take that channel.

Slow and steady.

Yes, sir.

Post extra lookouts forward and aft.

Watch for bommies.

Robbo, with me.

Fishing vessel Monsoon, this is

Australian warship Hammersley.

We're on our way.

We advise that you drop anchor, over.

CAPTAIN ANU TAGORE: Already done, captain.

I don't want to do anything else, over.

NIKKI CAETANO: Swain, starboard 20 altering 0-1-0.

- Take the ship, Nav. - Yes, sir.

I have the ship.

[music playing]

What?

The boss didn't get up you more than that?

Ah, the boss is a pushover.

Yeah, until he finds your little furry friend.

If he does, I'll handle that too.

Port 10, steer 220.

Port 10, steer 220.

You all right?

Have you seen my pruning shears?

- Your what? - My bonsai

My bonsai clippers.

Why would I see your bonsai clippers?

Well, I always keep them in the top drawer.

Always.

RO, we are kind of busy here.

See, I had to learn how to keep my feet in any situation.

Bommie, find on the port bow.

Starboard 30.

Starboard 30.

30 of starboard long, ma'am.

Get up, you dork.

4.7 meters and shallowing.

4.2 meters and holding.

Bommie past aft.

Midships.

Midships.

Port 20.

Port 20.

Steer 120.

Steer 120.

We've crossed the mark, Nav.

Well done.

Thank you, sir.

Course 120, Nav.

Captain Briggs, the Nav requests your presence

on the bridge, sir.

No, RO, I still have not seen your bonsai scissors.

- Everything all right? - Yeah, I'm fine.

I've just misplaced something.

Sir, we have a vessel on our coast, which

is not responding to radio.

What's it moving?

Drift speed.

Keep trying the radio.

Better take a look.

Sir.

Vessel in position 11 degrees 25 south 131 degrees

40 east, this is Australian warship Hammersley,

come in, please.

Yacht Maa Malni on my port bow, please show yourselves.

Try one more, X.

Yacht Maa Malni on my port bow, please show yourselves.

X, type a boarding party and check it out, but be quick,

the Monsoon is waiting for us.

BUFFER: Do a lap slowly.

Hello?

XO, get down here.

It looks like they were attacked with machetes

or something like that given the defensive wounds

on their forearms and hands.

Everything's gone, boss.

Money, clothes, GPS, computer.

Even the bar fridge, boss.

Pirates.

A Canadian husband and wife just following the wind.

Their last logged position places

them about 50 nautical miles east of our current position.

When was that?

0800.

So they're probably long gone.

Let's leave the Yo at anchor.

X, get on the Nav com so they can

alert the local authorities.

Hey, boss, what if they're still sniffing around?

We'll show them we're Navy and not a soft target.

What's the damage, X?

Charge has had a look at their engine.

One of the gear cogs has been stripped

and lost it's housing, over.

Terrible noise it made.

Can he it so they can make it to their port?

No, sir, I'm going to need some time back on board

Hammersley just to make it operable,

and then I'll come back and refit it.

All right, let's set up a tow, get them out of danger.

We'll see about their engine after back.

Yeah.

I'm on it, boss.

The fellowship of the sea. Thank you.

Thank you.

Anything?

Well, the good news is there's no sign of bommies

and no sign of pirates.

Bad news is I'm starving.

How long till brekkie?

What?

Nothing.

When was the last time you saw 2 Dads?

We came in about an hour ago, swapped binos with me.

Reckon it was a lucky pair or something.

Yeah, right.

[squeaking]

What do you think you're doing?

Buff, I, um, I was--

Why'd you leave the boat, Dick?

I was hungry.

Leaving your post is a very serious offense.

Come on, Buff, I was only gone a minute.

A minute could be all it takes, 2 Dads.

Now, everyone needs to keep their eyes open at all times.

Somebody should tell the Nav that.

She almost ran us into that bottom today.

Now you need to stop right there.

Now, Lieutenant Caetano is a very fine

officer and navigator.

Yes, Buffer.

Look, no one's properly told you, the guy you're replacing,

ET, the Nav's very upset by his death because they were close.

I see.

Close.

Close as in--

Now keep going, sunshine, I dare you.

Yeah, I'll grab a couple, mate.

Sure.

RO, what are you doing back there?

I still can't find my scissors.

They're antique.

Well, they're certainly not in my galley.

I don't lose things.

It's not in my nature.

The last thing that I lost was a figurine of Papa Smurf in 1987.

I was six.

Hey, we all lose things sometimes.

I can't find my necklace anywhere.

Mate, I wouldn't worry.

In a tub this size it's bound to turn up sooner or later.

Exactly.

Has anyone seen my watch?

No.

The gold watch, you panda.

One missing item is nothing.

Two, that's a coincidence, but three?

Hey, I think those things called poltergeists.

Yes, there are also those things called thieves.

Oh, dear, I'll just iron all of these again later.

Swain?

I'll help look.

How did RO's scissors, Bomber's necklace,

Charge's watch, and my wallet all come to be in your cabin,

Leading Seaman?

I don't know, sir.

In your rack.

I'm not a thief, boss.

Then how'd this stuff get in there?

Charge had his watch last night.

When would I have had a chance to pinch it?

Buff said that you left your post this morning.

Did you?

Yes, ma'am.

What were you doing?

I was hungry.

That's lame.

Hungry?

I didn't steal it, sir.

I don't know who did, but it wasn't me.

Why would someone else hide stolen goods in your bed?

I don't know, but I didn't steal anything.

Just like you didn't rot those guys at the market, eh?

Come to attention, Leader.

You're on notice.

This will go in front of another CO for their deliberation.

Dismissed.

Yes, sir.

Talk about snakes in the grass.

I knew that I had not lost my shears.

I don't lose things.

Yeah, a funny feeling one of your crewmates

stealing from you.

I didn't.

I didn't take your shears.

I didn't take any of it.

Whatever, 2 Dads.

Who did then?

I didn't do it.

Yeah, but you know who did.

What am I going to do?

You're going to do something about that stupid monkey.

Come here, you.

What's that?

Hm.

[knocking]

Um, one second.

Come in.

Do you mind if I have a word?

Yeah, sure.

Leo, look, I know how difficult

it must be to stand in front of your shipmates

and admit your wrongdoing.

What is that smell?

I don't smell anything, ma'am.

It's-- it's musty.

It's like some-- what is that?

A leaky pipe?

Yeah, a leaky pipe.

Honestly, Navy should get her ships with better plumbing.

[rattling]

You were saying?

What-- what was that?

Do you hear that?

Rats, maybe?

Oh, no.

Ma'am, ma'am, before you--

I think it's--

Oh.

Oh my god.

My god, it's a monkey.

Where did it come from?

I don't know, but he seems to know you.

X, I know he's against the rules,

but I couldn't resist buying him, and you know what?

I think he's the thief.

Oh, grow up.

You don't think he's cute, ma'am?

Cute?

AQIS will quarantine this ship for three months

if we arrive with that little thing on board.

What?

Well, it could have rabies or parasites

or god knows what other diseases we're trying

to keep out of the country.

And I hope that you're going to stand up

in front of your shipmates and tell them that they can't see

their families or even get off the ship for three months

because you decided that the law didn't apply to you.

- I didn't think. - No.

No, you didn't think, did you?

You are a lazy know-all who has lied to me and your CO

about bringing contraband on board this ship.

Now clean up this mess.

It is disgusting.

Ma'am?

What about the monkey?

Well, you're going to have to get rid of the poor thing.

I owe you an apology, mate.

Come on.

Jump down.

[knocking]

Hold on.

Come in.

You're on the standing party.

Yeah, I just got to do one--

Now.

Let's go.

Yeah, sure, boss.

So you see, it was the monkey that took your watch.

You brought a monkey on board?

Yeah.

That's why your stuff is going missing.

He's been trained to pinch things like a pickpocket.

It makes sense.

Yeah, except the part where you bought a monkey on board.

Yeah. Yeah, I know.

It was a stupid thing to do.

Oh, look, I knew this--

Charge.

When he was a lot younger than what he is now.

Charge.

And he brought his spider monkey on board.

Cute as a button, it was.

Smart too, not a pickpocket.

Yeah, what happened?

When the CO found out about it, he, uh, he had to go.

Drowned it.

I put him in a life jacket first.

I mean, who knows?

Little fella could have found his way back to shore.

Nav, I'll refit this.

Captain Tagore, I'm Nikki Caetano.

I'm going to help you navigate out of here once we get

your engines up and running.

Thank you and welcome, Lieutenant.

Tea?

No, thank you.

Right.

Well, the charts are upstairs.

2 Dads, with me.

This channel here looks the safest most direct route.

OK.

Excuse me, ma'am?

Yeah?

I'll go check the towline.

Yeah.

A monkey?

A monkey.

He smuggles a monkey on board, which then proceeds

to pickpocket the entire crew.

Yeah, he has been nothing but trouble

since he joined this ship.

He behaves like he doesn't want to be here.

He doesn't.

He only joined the Navy to avoid going to jail.

What?

He's had minor run ins with the police

since he was a teenager.

Vandalism, offensive behavior, that sort of thing.

Three years ago, the magistrate recommended his parents get him

to join the services for a bit of discipline

before he ends up with a conviction.

Since when did we become a rehabilitation service?

I know.

Anyway, soon as we're back home, he's off my ship.

And what about the monkey?

Well, I'm not spending $10,000 of taxpayers money

in fuel just to drop it off on a desert island.

Where is the damn thing now anyway?

You'll live to steal another day, little guy.

Sneak ashore at these guys' port.

No, no, don't go that way.

[chattering]

OK.

[engine starting]

Nice work.

Nice work.

[groaning and banging]

I'll just check where my crew mate has got to.

Hey.

Hey, hey.

Hey, let him go!

What's going on?

This is the laughing thief.

The one who thinks he can steal from us

and just get away with it.

Oh, you fools.

You couldn't wait five more minutes?

You let him go.

Woman, quiet!

He cheated us at the market.

Took our monkey.

We can't let him go.

Oh, we can't now, can we?

Which means, Lieutenant, we can't let you go either.

You, there.

OK.

OK.

Where's the other one? The big engineer.

Where is he? - The engine room.

Well, go, go, get him. Get him.

Get the other gun.

What the hell is going on?

There's a cabin below full of equipment from that yacht.

These are the pirates.

It'll be all right, Nav.

We'll be OK.

I'll think of something.

I do not need you comforting me, Leading Seaman.

It's your stupidity that got us into this.

I can't find the engineer.

Right, give me your gun.

You find him. Go and find him.

Find him.

You.

No.

No.

Drop your weapon.

Drop your weapon.

Give me that gun now or I kill this dog before your eyes.

Now.

Charge.

Ma'am?

Drop it.

Do it.

Put it down.

Please?

Floor.

Sit down on the floor.

Sir?

You want the good news or the bad news?

Get on with it, RO.

It looks like we found our pirates.

Got a message in from NAVCOM in response

to yesterday's incident report.

The Monsoon was reported stolen three months ago.

They haven't heard from the crew since.

Buffer, standby to drop the tow.

The boarding station, sir?

Roger, boarding station.

[interposing voices]

Swain port 20, altering 180, revolution 7800.

20, altering 180, revolution 7800.

Bomber, Spider, close up on the 50 cal.

Roger that.

November 82, this is Charlie 82, over.

November 82, this is Charlie 82, over.

November 82-- Let's try and get them on the VHF radio.

First time we've ever scored a Navy radio.

How much will you get for this?

More than we're owed.

I bet you wish you paid full price for that monkey now, eh?

Monsoon, this is Australian warship Hammersley, come in,

please?

Monsoon, this is Australian warship Hammersley, respond.

Lieutenant, this is Australian warship Hammersley, come in,

please?

Give me Lieutenant Commander Flynn.

This is Flynn.

We have three of your crew hostage.

You try to board us, we will kill them.

I'd like to speak to Lieutenant Caetano

or Chief Engineer Thorpe.

No. No.

No.

No.

You get nothing till I get what I want.

And what's that?

2,000 rounds, 50 caliber ammunition.

In exchange for my three crew members unharmed.

The lieutenant and the engineer,

but my crew has some business with the young man.

Him, we will keep.

Sir, we can't leave 2 Dads.

No.

We're not going to.

But we've got to give them something.

This way I get two crew members back, a ribbon across there,

and a chance to board.

Yeah, but we can't give them ammunition.

We'll give them something.

Captain has the ship.

Captain Tagore, I'm sending a boat.

G4 cleared up.

Closed the wipe bore.

Clear.

Ammunition provided to the mount, sir.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you OK?

Come.

The ammunition.

Our people come on board here to us first.

After we get our bullets first.

OK, pass them over.

Show me.

Show me.

Nav.

Lieutenant Caetano and Chief Engineer Thorpe, now.

- We kill them now. - No.

Hold your fire. Hold your fire.

Put your weapons down.

Put your weapon down.

Put your weapon down.

Do you think we are stupid?

Now you get no one.

Up to the wheelhouse now.

I've got a clear shot, ma'am.

Hold your fire, Swain.

You tell your captain that if he decides to follow us,

you'll be collecting their bodies from the water.

Hands to boarding stations, hands to boarding stations.

Full boarding party.

You arrogant Australians.

You think you could cheat us?

Guys, guys, look.

I know you're a little upset, but--

Hey.

Hey.

You cheat me.

You call us thieves.

You know how much that animal is worth?

How long I train him?

- Guys-- - Hey.

Stop it.

He's on board the boat here.

I brought him over.

The monkey's on board.

Go take a look.

Stop it.

Stop them now.

Go look.

Go look.

He's below deck.

He's-- Take a look.

He's downstairs, below decks.

Take a look down there.

For Christ's sake.

He's down below.

You want to die too?

[shouts]

Hey.

Watch him.

[splash]

[gunfire]

SITREP, X.

There's gunfire on the Monsoon, sir.

Well, who are they shooting at?

Do we engage, sir?

Do we engage? - Negative.

Return to the ship, over.

Copy that.

Take us home.

All right.

Get back inside.

Get back inside.

Any one see 2 Dads?

No one visible, sir.

How many weapons?

One 9 mil, the others have machetes.

There were three on deck, but Charge signaled

that there was a fourth, sir.

Sir, they said if we try to follow,

they'll kill Nav and Charge.

He means it, sir.

We'll see about that.

Bomber, Spider, join the boarding party.

OK, boarding party, weapons ready.

Steady fire.

Bomber, take the port side.

Copy that, Buffer.

BUFFER: Get us in there, Bomby.

Nav?

Kill them.

OK, Bomber, we're boarding.

Approaching port side now, Swain.

[inaudible].

Drop your weapons.

We are at port side, Buffer.

Drop your weapons.

Drop your weapons.

We are the Australian Navy, I order you to drop your weapons.

It's over.

Drop your weapons.

Put your weapon down.

[interposing voices]

Down on your knees.

Hands behind your back.

- 2 Dads, is this everyone? - Yeah.

It's everyone.

2 Dads, where's Nav and Charge?

In the wheelhouse.

Roger.

2 Dads, cuff him.

So she says, fine, get your own blanket.

I think this is yours too, sir.

The thief is definitely off my ship?

Yes, sir.

He's on the Monsoon somewhere.

Whatever you did in the market clearly

contributed to these events.

Yes, sir.

I take full responsibility for my behavior.

Up to an hour ago, you were off my ship

headed for a captain's table.

Yes, sir.

But you've earned yourself a last chance.

Thank you, sir.

And the privilege of sterilizing

everywhere that monkey's been with a toothbrush.

Yes, sir.

And if you want to stay on my ship,

you've got to prove yourself, Leader.

Won't let you down, boss.

Very good.

Thanks, boss.

Don't forget the galley and the laundry.

Absolutely.

You never did, uh, you never did see my monkey, did you?

Cute as.

Little button eyes, cheeky little thing.

You would have loved him.

A pleasure I can live without, 2 Dads.

Good with animals, great with nun-chucks,

and I am rich too, so got that going for me as well.

Ah, come on, Nav, I'm not that bad, am I?

You jumping back on board wasn't some great plan

to save Charge and me, was it?

You just wanted to save your own skin.

I know the others think you're OK now,

but doing something by default that's

not good enough in my book.

I'm watching you.

As long as it's not in the shower.

[theme music]