All language subtitles for Cant Stand It [2022] [1080p]

I think I might have,
uh, BPD.

That's, uh,
Black Panther Disorder.

Man, you guys are so lucky, man.
You guys are blessed.

Y'all almost had Covid
tonight, dawg.

'Cause I thought I had it
about four days ago.

I was like, "You know what?
I still need that 100 bucks,
I'm still gonna perform."

Oh, my God.

I got to make that money, baby.

This phone bill ain't gonna
pay itself. You know what
I mean?

I was going to tell y'all it was
it was because of, like,
my cough.

I was gonna say, uh,
it's because of my ass.

Thing is, I ain't got ass,
my dawg.

I had a common cold.
I had a common cold, dawg.

People abandoned
the common cold.
I was like, "Fuck that, bro."

I lost 12 pounds
with a common cold.

My friends are like, "Oh, wow,
Rasheed, you look really good.
Bro, what you been doing?"

Like, "Bro, I got this common
cold, bro. You got to try it."

Got somebody like,
"Damn, bro, you..."

I started flexing on Instagram
too, though.

Hashtag you gotta get
into the gym hard, bro.
This is what you can do.

Like, "Bro, let me
get that recipe.
I'll pay 500 bucks for it."

I'm like, "Bro, come over here
and get this common cold, bro."

I got you. Smear it all
over your face.

Thank God I didn't have
Covid though, man.

Thankful for that.

'Cause I--

It did work good for my weight.
The comical look. I'm trying
to get back in tip top shape.

Like right before Covid started,
I was ripped up from head
to toe, like 14% body fat.

I had a four pack. I could have
had a six pack, but I'm humble
as fuck.

Y'know what I mean?
The six pack was kind of like,

"No, dawg. Give that to somebody
else, bro."

I'm like, "Fuck, bro,
don't need no six pack,
that's for assholes."

All the humble people
got four packs or less.

Me, Tom Hanks, Forest Whitaker,
bro, all of us.

We humble as fuck, bro.

The fuck,
we needed a six pack.

Only reason I wanna lose
weight too, though, man.

I've got into an argument
with homeless dude, real story.

Only in LA
this could happen.

We was arguing about who
was the greatest basketball
player of all time.

Michael Jordan
or LeBron James.

Of course I said
LeBron James,

because it's the truth, and I,
I'm good at arguments.

He got mad. He got so--
He just like,

"Hey, man, why don't you shut
the fuck up and sit down
with your child bearing hips."

I'm like, "Whoa!"

My hips?

My hips, bro.

I'm like, "Bro, you could have
kissed my girl in her mouth,
you could've smacked my mama.

"But don't talk about
my hips, bro. What you mean?"

Those are fighting words
on the street, bro. My hips.

I got insecure.
I started doing those
things that women do.

And I was like, " Never again
will you talk about
my fucking hips, bro."

I've been insecure as fuck.

Like we don't play
where I'm from, man.

I'm originally
from Atlanta, Georgia.

Not from LA, from Atlanta.

Thank you so much for that.

I grew up very poor, man.

Grew up in the hood. It was hard
growing up in the hood with
a father, man. It was tough.

It was a lot of pressure,
a lot of pressure.

'Cause I'm always hearing
the narrative.

"It was so hard growing up
without a father."
Shut up.

Nobody had no expectations
for you, dawg.

Try growing up with a dad.

My dad was over my shoulder
every night while I was doing
my homework.

And I'd be crying.

He'd be like, "Shut up.
Before I give you something
to cry about."

I was like, "Man, my teacher
said you're not supposed to be
here statistically, dawg."

Y'know what I mean?

My teacher said that.

Yeah.

My dad encouraged my twin
brother and I to play sports
to stay out of trouble.

I naturally gravitated
towards football.

Is the most aggressive
sport I can think about.

But whatever anger I had
for my father, I took it out
on the football field.

And I play safety.

I'm the guy that hits the guy
that's running the ball.

My dad pissed me off
on Thursday, we had
a game on Friday.

The receiver came
across the middle.

I hit him hard. Pow! I was like,
"Ooh, you go to bed now,
you go to bed!"

Hmm, I even brushed
my teeth, dawg.

I was having therapy
on that football field.

I let this dude named Jacob
convinced me that the reason

why I had not reached my full
potential was because my father
was overly supportive.

I was like, "Bullshit."

He's like, "Bro, your dad
is too supportive."

I'm like, maybe he got a point.

'Cause usually my routine
would be, I would go
from football to basketball

to track, like all the sports
that black fathers
come to support.

I said, "Next, I'm gonna
squish that shit up."

I went from football
to wrestling.

Why wrestling?

Because wrestling
has 136 matches.

I was like, "Ain't no way
in hell my father gonna come
136 wrestling matches."

You know this nigga came
to all 136 wrestling matches.

I'm like, "Bro, come on.
You tripping. You're fucking up
my potential, bro."

At every game and practices,
man? Come on.

I always believe in bringing
dark situations to light
too, y'know.

I lost my mom
when I was 11 years old.

We was too poor to bury her,
so the state of Georgia
buried her.

She has no headstone
or nothing.

I can't make this up.

The guy at the cemetery said,
"Oh, your mom's buried somewhere
in a 400-yard radius."

"If you find her, let me know."

I went to my mother's grave site
one day when when I was sad
on her birthday.

I'm like, "Mom.
I really wish you was here.
I really miss you."

Somebody tapped me
on the shoulder and was like,
" Hey, man,

I think your mom's over there."
I was like, "Oh, okay."

That is fucked up.

After while I got frustrated,
so I started skipping
a certain way.

"Mom, if you was here
just tap me on the foot
or something."

It's funny.

It doesn't...

It's my mama. My dad
and my mama, okay?

You know what's crazy
though, man?

In the state of Georgia,
if you don't get your loved one
a headstone after five years,

-they start stacking the bodies
on top each other. Yeah.
-Oh.

-Like a massive gravesite.
-That is fucked up.

It is. So I'm going to give
my mother really big
headstone one day.

It's going to say,
"... Stephens.

"And all the miscellaneous
people on top of her,
all you guys, rest in peace."

Stacks on stacks, baby.

Is this new age segregation
all over again? I tried...

Trying to go to the bathroom,
the door of the bathroom
said, "Vaxxers only."

Dude, stopped me at the door,
he goes like, "Uh-uh,
not so fast, buddy.

"This here, bathroom
is for vaxxers only.

"You'd better keep your own
vaccinated ass
off that toilet seat

where you get what's
coming to you."

Nigga.

And this dude was black,
so I'm just confused,
like shit has got--

This shit has got
a nigga going crazy.

My name is Tevin Scott.

You know, I'm a filmmaker,
actor and comedian.

Uh, for people that don't
know myself,

you can just think of me
as like, the male Issa Rae.

Or like-- Or like,
the black Donald Glover.

I'm a real nigga.
That's what that means.

I'm a real nigga that happens
to be a little bit trans.

Before I let you all know,
I'm not--

I'm not like a trans man
or a trans woman.

I am a trans nigga.

A trigga.

Which one on y'all--

I'm non-binary.

Y'all know what that means?
Clap if you know what
non binary means.

Okay.

A lot of people don't-- A lot
of people are confused about who
we are, what we're fighting for.

Most people think it's about
pronouns, but you know
I'm black,

I'm not worried about getting
misgendered, I'm worried about
getting mistaken as a suspect.

Now that I wear shit
like this, nigga,

they don't suspect a thing.

Yeah. We walking around like,
"Hey, Officer, stop!
Don't shoot!"

Hey, black men,
start painting your nails.

Look, they will not shoot you
if you look like this, y'know.

See this first ...
nail job, y'know.

Y'know, I'm a--

Let's start learning--
Well, really, I don't
really believe in gender.

I don't believe in gender roles
or nothing like that.

And I'm like, more into
on feminine side, y'know.

I learned this about myself
in a recent relationship.
I was with this girl, right?

She was like, "Tevin,
I get a lot of feminine energy
from you,

and I feel like if we was
on a date, and eight niggers
try to harass us,

"I'd feel like I was with one
of my girlfriends.

"So what would you?
What would you do?"

I was like, "Well, shit.

"You feel like I'm your
girlfriend, then bitch we both
running motherfucker"

Also, I don't know who you think
gonna protect you
from eight dudes.

Like who do you think I am?
Jackie Chan, bitch?

Bitch, no, we are running like
we're on Rush Hour, bitch!

Carter! Run, Carter!

Carter! It's stupid.

Yeah, man, I know it's a--
It's a confusing term.

I just ask that you guys give us
the same patience

and understanding that
you give to Starbucks.

Y'know, 'cause Starbucks
has been using confusing
terms for years, y'know.

You go to Starbucks
and order a tall drink,

they gonna give you
the smallest cup
in that bitch.

That don't make no sense.

Tall things are tall and small
things are small, right?

Not at Starbucks.

Men are men and women
are women, right?

No, in 2022 some niggas
is bitches and some bitches
is niggas.

And me, I'm a nigga bitch.

Told us that
to this girl one day,
I was like-- She was like,

"Oh, Tevin, I'm confused.
I just got one question.

"You think you're a woman now?
You want to cut your little
dick off?"

I was like, "First of all,
that was two questions.

"And second of all,
how you know my dick little?

She was like, "Well is it big?"

And I was like, "Is tall."

Y'know...

I got a lot of questions now
that I'm identifying--

People ask about
my sexuality.

I mean, all my life
I've identified as straight,

but these days I felt it's best
to be lesbian.

Yeah, I'm serious.
Y'all looking at me crazy.

I'm like, "No, I really about
this lesbian life,

like I'm a black lesbian
filmmaker. You can call
me Dyke Lee.

And she's gotta have it.

I was thinking, I'm so lesbian,
I'm thinking about getting
me a strap.

She looking at me crazy.
Like, "Why are you going
to use that?

"Why don't you just
use your own dick.?"

Not in this climate, mm-mm.

'Cause in this climate,
I got to worry about Covid
and chlamydia, y'know.

So condoms can stop chlamydia,
but it's not gonna stop Covid.

But if I give you 12 inches
of this 7 foot strap,

we still six feet apart.

And that's social distance...

I was working at a sex shop
over the pandemic.

-What?
-Yeah. So I'd write jokes
by day,

and I'd sell strap-ons by night.

Told this one girl and she
was like, "Oh, so you
a sex worker?"

I was like, "Yeah, kind of.
Sort of."

She was like "Oh, me, too.
I work on Crenshaw on 69."

She was like, "I specialize
in wet work."

I'm like, "Wet work,
what's that?"

She said "I pee on men
for money."

Oh.

I was like, "Whoa."
She's like, " Yeah, it's a great
paying business.

"I've got eight
clients right now."

I'm like, "Hold on. You got
eight men to pay you
to pee on them?

"Oh, you must got multiple
streams of income, huh?"

Then she asked me if I wanted
to be number nine.

Girl, that pissed me off.

She's-- This is a true story.

She's was like, one of her
clients would fly in from Boston
all the way from LA.

All the way to LA just
to get peed on.

He'd rent an Airbnb just
to come get peed on.

I'm like, "Nigga, is the pee
in Boston not good enough?

"Nigga, like, they don't--
They just got the regular...
piss in Boston?

"You come here
for the premium piss?"

This don't make no sense.

Yeah, messing with sex workers
and shit, man.

This-- This is the type
of people you attract

when you start dressing
like this and shit, y'know.

Oh, fuck. Trying to find
me a bae.

Who need a bae?
A Broke Ass Entrepreneur.

If that's what you need,
I'm your guy.

I'm broke as shit.

Not even-- I'm not even dating
the right way...

I'm doing something different.
I'm-- I'm courting.

Like in medieval time,
like on Bridgerton.

Anybody watch Bridgerton?

I remember Bridgerton
was like-- Like if I was--

If I was a character
on Bridgerton,

I'd be
Lord Tevin Scott, the Duke
of Inglewood.

Your Grace,
if you accept my hand
in marriage,

you can come stay with me
in my castle.

It's a studio apartment
on Crenshaw Boulevard.

We are 12 months behind
on rent, Your Grace.

But no need to worry.
I applied for the rent relief.

But if we don't get it,
I'm afraid we're going
to have to move out

and be the Duke
and the Duchess of Skid Row.

How's that sound?

I don't know what I'mma do.
I've been out here
six years, man.

Still trying to figure it out.
Moved out here six years ago.

Had no job, no house,
no car, right?

Then my girlfriend at the time,
she picks me up from
the airport.

She had news for me.
She was like,
"Tevin, I'm pregnant."

Yeah, so we had
a decision to make.

Either we're going to chase
our dreams or raise this baby.

We chose dreams for 500, Alex.

I'd have babies with Alex Trebek
right now.

No lie.
My first thought when I moved
to LA was Planned Parenthood.

Nigga, we didn't plan
for that shit at all.

Most people when they move
to LA, their first stop
is In-N-Out.

Our trip to Planned Parenthood
was just like In-N-Out...

Frikkin' cheap.

MediCal is a lifesaver, for us,
not the baby.

That's fucked up,
but also--

Look, I'm not telling--
I'm not trying to make
light of abortion here.

I'm just trying to shed light
on my situation, y'know,
because I don't want to be--

I want to have kids one day.
I'm gonna have a very
talented family.

They're gonna be great.
Like the talents,
like the Jacksons, y'know.

Only thing that makes me feel
good about my situation

is knowing
we didn't kill Michael.

We killed Tito.

She over there like,

...
Hee, hee, hee, hee.

Oh, shit.

It was for good reason.
I had to chase my dreams.

I'm out here chasing my dreams.
I'm a filmmaker.

I got a TV show right now.

It's called The Mecca.

It's an HBCU comedy.

Anybody know about HBCUs?
It's black college--

A historically black
college university.

I went to Howard University.

Yeah, uh-huh.

People that don't know
about Howard, I say
Howard is a mystical land

where the most gifted black kids
on earth go, all right?
It's like Hogwarts for niggas.

Yeah. So I've pitching this
series about y'know, this HBCU,

like a different world
for a next generation, right?

And I got it to the top. I got
it to some very important
people, right?

They was like, "Tevin,
we love your show.

"It's a great idea,
great concept.

"We'd love to make it
on one condition.

"You gotta make your character,
the main character, gay."

I was like, "Word?"
They was like "Yeah".

And they started pitching
all this gay shit.

They was like, "Start it with
your love interest

"being a woman
who is going to be your
roommate, right?

"And one day your roommate's
gonna be getting dressed.

"And you're gonna
reach over to your counter,
grab a bottle of Jergens

"and start jerking off
to your roommate.
How's that sound?"

I'm not making this shit up.

I was like, "That don't--

"That is not authentic,
in my experience at all."

I would never use Jergens.

Lube it up!
Nah, I'm just playing.

Stupid.

I stopped talking to them.

I got to another group
of people, that I sold the show,
actually, last year sold it.

Yeah.

For a a six figure deal.

Yeah. Only bad news is we sold
it to this network called Quibi.

And they are now
out of business.

And I got so broke, I don't
even make films no more.

I went from six figures
to working at Chick-fil-A.

Making six figures
with six piece nuggets, nigga.

It's a very humbling experience.

You know how humbling it is
to have somebody tell you

they want you to run
your own show

to having to run the drive
through line at Chick-fil-A?

Nigga, that is not
the move. nigga.

Trying to get better this year.

I'm in a gym. Anybody started
a new gym memberships this year?

Who in the gym?

Okay.

Started, uh...

Started my Planet Fitness
membership.

I don't really fuck with
Planet Fitness.

Like, I go on there.
They say, no judgment, nigga,

but I feel the judgment.

I'd be judging, too.

I'd be judging her ass
and her ass.

I'm like, hmm, okay. Okay.
You know.
Niggas be judging me.

I'm on-- I got weak form.
Doing the squats and--

Fuck.

My name is Caesar.

Cono, Caesar Lizardo

So yeah. Thank you very much.
My name is Caesar Lizardo.

Thank you. Yes, you don't
even know me.

She's like, "Whoo." Yeah.
I know it's confusing.

I'm a black dude
with an Italian name.

Doesn't really make sense
for a lot of people.

What I like to refer
to myself, as "amniguous".

You don't know what type
of nigga I am.

You don't know if
I'm Brazilian, Egyptian, Drake.

Y'know what I'm saying.

-I get all of it. Will Smith.
-No.

Yeah. It's 'cause of the ears.

It's 'cause I'm....
Y'know what I'm saying?

I told Jada to cheat on me.
The entanglement was my idea.

Y'know what I'm saying?

Oh, my God.

I'm just kidding. I love Will.

Yeah, man, I go with it.
Y'know I get-- I get
my race mixed all the time.

Uh, it doesn't matter to me.

I just roll the flow.
You know, I be in Glendale,

and they're like, "Hey,
you Armenian? I'm like,
"Yeah, I'm Armenian, bro.

"Whatever, parev y'know.
Put them right here."

Y'know?

I remember one time I got
to the frenzy with Uber.

Uh, because uber was just
getting started
and I'm an idiot.

I didn't really get
how it worked yet.

Uh.

And the guy, man,
bless his heart.

He was so excited to see me,
it was this Indian dude

was so excited to see me.
I get in the car.

He's like a smile from ear
to ear, just looking at me.

And I can already tell
what he's thinking.

You know, he's looking at me.
He's like,
"Where you from, buddy?"

I just gave him
what he was wants.
I was like, "Oh. Me? Uh...

"Uh, I'm from India..."

Super low key,
not racist at all.

He was like...

"I can tell you
one hundred Indian, my friend."

He didn't say percent.
One hundred Indian, right?

Y'know he keeps going on
with all the India shit
and I couldn't keep up.

He was like...

I was like, "Dude. Y'know,
listen, man. I'm sorry.

"I was just playing.
I'm not really Indian, y'know."

You can see the anguish
and despair on his face.

He's like,
searching for answers.
He's like, "But, but...

"But your parents
are from India, yes?"

I was like, "They're from
Dominican Republic, actually."

"Dominican
Republic. Dominican Republic.

"What part of India is this?"

I was like, "Bro,
it's, it's in the Caribbean.

"Well, I mean, technically,
it's in the West Indies."

"You are a West Indian guy."

... just fucking...

...I still got a phone number.

But yeah, man, I am Dominican.

My parents are from
the Dominican Republic.

One of our favorite words
is cono.

I don't know if you guys
have heard it before.

Dominicans, Cubans,
we all use it all the time.

It's like a word of exclamation,
y'know, means like, damn,
shit, fuck, y'know.

My dad uses it every sentence.
He's been telling me
my whole life,

y'know, like, "Hey,
how's it going, cono?
"What's going on, cono?

"Cono, I hurt my foot."
Y'know?

Uh, so naturally in 2005,
I get a Facebook
at the ripe age of 18.

And my middle name is Cono.
On Facebook. I'm Caesar
Cono Lizardo.

'Cause fuck it. Why not, y'know?
Like they haven't
stopped me yet.

And Zuckerberg's like.
"That's-- That's exotic."
Y'know?

-Oh, my God.
-So they haven't
caught up to me here.

Until, like a month later,
I get into a Facebook argument.

You know, we're arguing
as you do. I was like,
"Fuck you."

He's like, "Fuck you, fuck you,
fuck you." Right?

He's like, "You know what?
I don't even understand why

"I'm arguing with a guy
whose middle name means pussy."

And I was--
I was confused, right?

I was like, " What is this
guy talking about?"

I was like, "That's not what
it means."

He's like, "Yeah, that is what
it means." I was like,
"No, it's not.

"It's like a Dominican word
of exclamation. Means like,
damn, shit, fuck, y'know."

So, I go into the whole thing.

He's like, "No, it means like
pussy, toilet, vagina."

I was like, "You know what,
fuck you, guy. All right?
It's 2005.

"I'm gonna mess you up with
something you probably never
heard of. It's called Google."

So I Googled it for him.
Put it in the search bar.

C-O-O-1-6-4-N-O.

And there it is. First entry,
Spanish from Spain.
Slang, pussy.

I was like, "Yo. Wait
a second. What?"

I was like, "That can't be
right. That can't be right. I'll
look at the second entrance."

"Pussy." I was like, "Wait
a second." Third, fourth, fifth,
pussy, pussy, pussy.

I was like, "Okay, hold on
a second, y'know."

Like, I'm started to have
an existential crisis.

Like, I'm starting
to have flashbacks.

All the conversations
I had with my dad.

Y'know, like, "Hey,
how's it going on you, cono?

"Y'know, cono,
my foot hurts."

But now I was like, "Hey,
how's it going, pussy?
What's going on, pussy?

"Pussy, my foot hurts."

Oh, my God, has my dad been
calling me a pussy for 18 years?

Y'know.

So I confronted him.

I was like, "Yo, Papi , que
pasa, man? What's going on?
Is this really what it means?"

And I remember, he said it
in the most nonchalant
Dominican way possible.

He was eating a plantain,
he's like, "Oh, yeah,
you didn't know that?

I was like, "What?
No, I didn't know!" Y'know?

He's like, "Yeah, como cono
tu madre."

I was like, "Aah!"

My head exploded, y'know.

'Cause I don't know
if you can translate Spanish.
It sounds like you can.

Uh, like cono cu madre
is pussy of your mother.

Right? It's like...

Maybe some kind of
Scar-faced Dracula.

"Pussy of your mother, man.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah."

Like, damn.

Fucking crazy.

So, yeah, you can add me
on Facebook. I'm Caesar
Cono Lizardo.

But you know what it means.

Yeah, man, I love it.
I love it.

Uh, I love my family.
I'm one of the first people
in my family to go to college.

And not graduate.

And not graduate.
I didn't finish.

Uh, yeah.
I'm a big dumb ass.

Yeah. Smart but so stupid.
So stupid.

Uh, it's really sad, too. Like,
everybody in my family is way
more educated than me.

And it's crazy when
you think, like,

my parents came from a third
world country in the early 80s.

Came here, started from nothing.

Four jobs each.

Three kids in private school.

Now, they're all making
six figures. Like,
they did it right, y'know.

And like, here I am. I got a 500
credit score and I'm driving
for Instacart.

It's like, they just look at me
like, " Hey, man, you have
no excuses, okay, cono?

"You have no excuses."
That's how my dad talks.

He's always thinking.
You know, thinking, thinking,
thinking, thinking.

"You have to ask yourself
and then hope, y'know."

He's right. I don't have
any excuses.

Y'know, they led
by perfect example.
Y'know, they got their degrees.

My sister got her degree.

I might as well just double
majored in Beer Pong
and Halo 3.

That's what the fuck
I was doing. Uh, yeah
a big waste of time.

Then my little brother--
Here's where it gets cool.

He got a full ride
to Yale, right?

We're all super proud
of him, right?

But then he decided to go get
his Masters at University
of Pennsylvania,

which is also
another Ivy League.

And I was like, "Yo, bro, Bro,
bro, bro, slow down, slow down.

"Bro, you making me look bad.
Let me catch up, y'know."

He's like, "Caesar, you're
making yourself look bad."

I was like, "Fuck, he's got me.
You got me."

With that big ass,
double Ivy League brain of his.

He got me, y'know.

I remember when my dad found out
my brother was going to Yale,

he was confusing all of his
white friends, right?

He's going around with
tears in his eyes.

He was like, "My son
is jail, cono."

Like, "Oh, my God,
what did he do?"
"He did what he had to do."

"How long is he in for?"
"He's in for four years."

Can you believe it?

Yeah, man.

See, Tony Lizardo.

I'm also, uh, chocolatepapi
on Instagram.

I know. Stupid name.

Follow me, please.
I need the help.

I have, like, 500 followers,
and I'm following 1000.

So my equity is just
through the floor, y'know.

And then-- And then
it's like my ego,
'cause I'm a comic,

I'm like, "These motherfuckers
trying to shadow ban me.

"They don't want me
to be great, y' know."

But then it's like,
my insecurities just roundhouse
kick me to the face.

Like, "You suck."
And I'm like...
"They're right."

So, yes, chocolatepapicomedy.

It is because I am chocolatey
and I am a papi.

I'm a father.

I have a four-year-old daughter,
as of yesterday.

I mean, I didn't just
get her yesterday.
She turned four yesterday.

Yeah, man. She's awesome.
Her name is Mia.

I wanted to name her Daisy,
though. 'Cause
she's an oopsie-daisy.

We didn't plan her,
y'know what I mean?
But we made her with love.

We made her with love.

I'll tell you exactly
how much love.

Um, to be specific,
it was for sure, for sure,

the farthest skeet I've ever
skeeted in my life, okay?

And I know for two reasons.
I know for two reasons.

First reason is because when
I busted, I went cross eyed,

and that had never
happened before, all right.

And it's just the power
of the explosion.

And then the second reason,
is because there's a little
bell in there.

If you shoot it far enough,
it's like a spittoon.

So, when I busted,
it was like...
.

And it was like,
she just came out...
...perfect.

Um...

When she grows older,
and hears this,
it's gonna be weird.

It's gonna be a weird
conversation.
But I'll like it.

Um...

Yeah, man, she's awesome.

She's a little white girl.

That's not what makes
her awesome.
Not trying to say that.

But her mom is why.
Her mom is from Montana.

In case you were wondering
how white she is.

Um...

Which is one of the top three
whitest states out there,
right after White-aho,

And Maine, which is mainly
white people.

So, she's up there
in the white hierarchy,
y'know what I'm saying?

Y'know, it's pretty awesome.

Uh, because I've never had
white privilege in my life.
Y'know what I mean?

But now I have,
like, a little-- A daughter,

who is undeniably mine.
Like, if you take my stupid face

and you put it on the cutest
little white girl you've ever
seen, that's our dynamic.

Y'know what I mean?
Y'know, it's pretty awesome.

So now it's like I'm not walking
her around the mall.

She's walking me around
the mall.

Like, "Look, I got
a motherfucker, y'know
what I'm saying?"

I'm living vicariously
through her, you understand?

So I'm excited, y'know,
like, I want to experience
white privilege too, y'know.

Like, hopefully it's not like
investing in Toys "R" Us
in 2013.

Like, I got in
too late, y'know.

But, y'know, I'm trying
to live. I'm trying to live.

Y'know, like, I want to start
sending shit back
at restaurants.

I feel like that's something
white people might try
to get away with.

Is it? I don't know, y'know.

I'd just be like,
in a restaurant,
"Hey, garcon, garcon."

Start calling niggas garcon.
"Garcon, yes, uh,
this fish is no good.

"It's-- It's a little
undercooked. Can you--
Can you send it back, please?"

"Sir, this is tuna.
This is literally sushi. It..."

And, like, "Yes. No,
I understand. You see my white
daughter right there, right?

"Just tell the chef,
he'll understand. Oh, garcon,
before you leave, come back.

"This pinot grigio, it's not
grigio enough. Send it back!"
Y'know.

"Sir, you have to leave now."

"No, I understand. I got you."

White privilege, man.

She's incredibly smart,
my daughter. She--
I'm so proud of her.

So proud of her.

Um, but she,
she scares me sometimes.
Like, when she was one,

she was learning
how to talk.

Scared the shit out of me, okay.
Because she pointed in my face,

mad aggressive and said
the N word five times.

-Whoa.
-Yeah.

She was like,
"No, no, no, no, no."

I was like, "Mia,
where'd you learn that?"

She was like,
"Come on, nigga. Shit."

I was like, "Get your little ass
out of here." Y'know.

She's been listening to too much
Drake and Future.

Daddy's gonna have to start
listening to Kidz Bop.

Oh, man.

My daughter, she's cool. Um...

I got her ballet classes
for Christmas.

And I was telling my dad,
I was on the phone with him,

and I was like, "Yeah, I got her
ballet classes."

He's like, "Ballet classes?
What? Is she gonna be parking
cars or something like that?"

I was like, "Okay,
you know what?

"This one's going
in the notebook.
Thank you very much, Papi."

Yeah.

Um...

That's how he parks
cars, too.

Yeah, man.
I hate politics.

I think we can all agree
politics suck, right?

Uh... Like, look, they suck.

I, I think it's just ridiculous
that last year I had to go vote

in a special recall election
for the governor of California.

And I went, not because I felt
like he's doing a good
or bad job either way.

I didn't really care.

I just didn't want California
to accidentally

make Caitlyn Jenner
our governor, right?

'Cause she was on the ballot.
That was a real possibility
that could have happened.

Y'know, I was scared.
I'm not gonna lie.

Y'know, Americans are dumb.-
We've proven ourselves time
and time again.

Uh...

So I went out there for y'all.
For us. All right. Thank you.

And, y'know, Caitlyn Jenner,
whatever. She's cool
or whatever,

but we can all agree
she's not all there, right?

She's a little nutty, right?
Like where does she get
the balls? I don't know.

Listen. Listen, listen.

I'mma say some shit,
but I love trans people.

So don't even try to say--
Don't try to cancel me.

It might happen. It might not.
I don't know,
we'll figure it out.

But I'm just-- It's like,
I'm trying figure out like,
where she got that idea.

Like, why does she think
that she was a viable
candidate, y'know?

Like, was she just in the house,
y'know, like, "Well, if Kanye
can run for president.

"I can run for President,
too, right?"

Like, I don't know
if that's how she talks.

I'm just guessing.

Y'know, like...

Like, I know she changed
her giblets and now has
a lady box.

But I feel like she still has
the same voice box.
So that's how she sounds.

"If Kanye can run
for president, I can..."

She realized she didn't have
enough for president
money, right?

Like, she got to the store.
She's like, "Hey, let me get one
of those presidential tickets.

"Yeah. How much?

"Half a billion dollars?

"Kanye's got half a billion?
Jesus Christ.

"Well, I got 15 mil, all right?
These surgeries
are getting expensive.

"How much would
that get me?

"A governor?
Oh, okay, I'll run for governor.

"Okay, yeah. Give it to me.

"Republican? Fuck.
What do you think, I'm crazy?

"Okay, yeah. Give it to me,
give it to me."

Like, she ran
as a Republican, people!

That's how you know she doesn't
have it all there, all right.
She ran as a Republican.

That's crazy to me.

Y'know, they are actively
doing shit to make sure
that people like her

don't do what
she's trying to do.

Y'know, she should just stick
to doing what she's been doing.

Just be a focal port for trans
issues and, y'know,
be an icon for those people

and everything, y'know,
She shouldn't run for office.

She should work
at the post office, okay.

'Cause this should be
the ultimate transgender person.

Think about it.
She'd be a female mailman...

...who's not only a postman
but is post man.

Y'know what I'm saying?

And then-- And then just
change her middle name
to Trans.

She'll be Caitlyn
Trans Jenner.

Boom! All right, that's just--
That's just beautiful.

That is beautiful.

"May be I should
run for president."

Whatever. Yeah, man.
Politics. Stupid.

I remember a few years ago.
Maybe you guys were here.

Maybe you saw it.
There was like,
a transcontinental

migration of monarch
butterflies in LA.

You guys remember
seeing this shit?

-Yeah.
-Millions
of butterflies in the sky.

Right? It was beautiful, right?

-Yeah.
-Um...

Yeah, right?

♪ Take a look,
it's in a book... ♪

Whatever.

-Reading Rainbow.
-Reading Rainbow?

Reading Rainbow, yeah.
I brought it back for y'all.
Mm-hmm.

Going back to these
butterflies, right?

So... Yeah, man,
it was crazy because
when Donald Trump,

who was president at the time,
found out that they were
crossing the border from Mexico

to the United States,
he was like,
"Listen up, people.

"We gotta put an end
to this right now, okay?"

"They're not bringing
their best butterflies.

"They're bringing the killers,
the rapists, their moths.

"All right, we got to put
an end to this now.

"We're going to build
a giant net in the sky.

"There'll be like a big wall.

"The butterflies are going
to pay for it."
Y'know what I mean?

Stupid.

Yeah, man.

Oh, man. I like weird
sexual preferences.

I have some. I don't know.

I don't know if it's weird
that I like feet.

So weird.

-It's a little weird.
-A little weird? Eh.

-It's not weird at all.
-Don't shame me.

This guy's like,
"Hey, not weird at all."
See? He knows.

He's like, " Don't shame me
either, bro."

Maybe it's just weird
that I wrote a song about it.

It goes like this.

♪ Whoo!
Three, six, nine

♪ Damn her feet fine,
But it doesn't mean... ♪

Jesus Christ.

I deal with all the evils
of the world.
Murderer, rape, thievery.

But if you accept Pfizer
to your left arm,
you'll still get on...

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Ha-ha.

Shit.

Where'd that come from?

That was a strangely
timed laugh.

Strange.

You look cool as fuck, man.

Yeah, you look
cool as fuck, man.

-I appreciate that.
-You sitting here,
all cool and shit.

Where you from?
Chicago or something?

-Nah,
Little Rock, Arkansas.
-Little Rock, Arkansas.

Little Rock. My family--
I got family in Arkansas, man.

Already, already.
Already, already.

Already.

I remember,
back in the day, man,

when Houston was hot
for like one year in hip-hop,

like Mike Jones and Paul Wall.

I remember
they used to say
that shit all the time.

Be like, "Already."

That was a very
specific reference.

Mike Jones and Paul Wall
in there. That was a very
specific reference.

You probably young
as fuck, probably.

You don't know what I'm--
How old--

-I'm 20.
-That's why you don't know.
Okay.

I be working, man.
I still got a job.

I've still got one of those,
y'know?

-Yeah! Yeah, oh, God!
Mother--
-Oh, God.

Y'know what I'm saying?

I work in placement, man. Uh...

If you don't know what
a placement is, basically,

kids get released from juvenile
hall and gets them to live where
I work at that,

to help with
their issues, right.

And I work with
a lot of gang members.

They're a fun bunch. Um...

If you don't know, every gang
got disses for their hood.

And those disses will be based
off of the initials
or the name of that hood

Like, there's a Hispanic gang
called Playboys.

And one of the disses them
is peanut butter, right?

So I was at work one day.

I'm like-- I'm like, "Hey, man,
why don't you pass
the peanut butter?"

This kid was like, "Hey, fool.
Watch that word, dawg!"

I'm like, "Man, I'm not
calling you peanut butter.

"I need peanut butter
for my bread."

"No, fool.
Watch that word, dawg!"

I'm like, "Look, man, I don't
know when your gang started,

"but it wasn't here before
George Washington Carver."

Peanut butter wins.

There's this gang called
Ghetto Boys, man.

So I'm here giving kids snacks.
I'm like, "Hey, man,
who want a granola bar?

"Hey, fool.
Watch that word, dawg!"

"Hey, man, it's a granola bar.
What am I supposed to call it?"

"The brand fool, Nature Valley."

Damn, man. Y'all are taking
all the words, man.

Damn.

Damn.

I was at work one day, man.
There was a little Crip kid.

I'm like, "Hey, y'all,
I'm going to the store.

"Y'all want some cookies
or something?"

"Hey, watch that word, cuz!"

I'm like, "What? Cookie?"

"No, my nigga, thug."

I'm like, "Y'all can't have
the whole English
language, man."

"It's not yours.
It's white people's."

Mother--

"They conquered us all.
And now we all speak English."

These kids be having
fucked up lives, man.

We had this one, kid.
We had one kid, this dude,
he uh-- All his--

All his teeth was rotting out
from smoking too much meth.

And he had two kids
and genital herpes.

Guess how old he was?

-Eighteen? Oh, no.
-Fifteen.

This kid needs
to die already, man,

Life ain't for him, clearly.

Life is not for him.

God needs to reset.

God needs to reset.

If reincarnation is real,
he'll get another chance.

Guy gotta go, dawg.

You know? Be careful.
Don't fall out of that chair.

Actually, do fall off the chair.
'Cause that means I'm fucking
killing that shit.

Do fall--
Please fall off your chair.

I'll stop them out
their chairs, literally.

We got-- We got a 288 unit, man.
Those are the sex offenders.

Yeah, man, I love working
with the sex offenders, man.

Because they're docile, y'know.
If I got to choose between

working with some angry,
annoying ass gang members,

or some kid who touched
his sister, but ain't giving
me no problems,

I'm choosing
an easy day at work.

"Hey, kid, you molest?
All right, cool, head with me."

Y'all...

I hit a spot.
I hit a spot?

I hit a spot?
Because I said "molest"?

Molest. What's in his bag? ...

Uh...

We be getting these gay kids
sometimes, man.

This one gay kid,
he had a crush on one
of the straight kids, right?

Straight kid wasn't tripping.
He was like, "Whatever. I ain't
gay. He can like me." Y'know?

Turns out they had
a little thing going on.

Yeah, man. We started finding
used condoms around campus.

It was a all-boys facility.

Start to find the letters
between the two boys, y'know.

One of the letters
from the gay kid read,

"I miss the way you
make my booty swell."

And I'm straight.
But that shit turned me on.

Y'know?

I don't care about the boy's
butt, but I dig his approach.

'Cause I think about it like
a woman saying it to me.

"I miss the way you
make my booty swell."

Come on over.
I'm swell it right now.

I'll swell your butt.

I'll swell your butt. Come on.

I'll swell it. Ain't got to...
I'll swell it right now.

I'll swell in your butt.

Swell in your butt.

Damn.

Well, if y'all got chicks, man,
I want y'all to say
that shit to her.

I'm swelling-- I'm swelling now.
I'm swelling your butt.

Swell my butt, Daddy.

Swell it. Swell it.

Every time I tell--

Every time I tell chicks where
I work at, they be so impressed.

"Oh, my God,
that's so amazing.
Oh. So noble.

"Oh, it must be
so rewarding."

I'm like, "Yes, I'm rewarded
by direct deposit
every two weeks."

"You like money."
"Yeah, I applied for that."

I applied for some money.

I've done like, two jokes I've
actually planned on doing
tonight, thus far.

And this is like,
a special night.

Shoot, man. Caesar was talking
about liking feet, man.

Shit, man. Y'know,
I ain't got a fetish.

I appreciate a good foot,
though. You know, appreciative.

Y'know, soft, sleek,
not too crusty on the heels.

Like sometimes
I'll be on Instagram,

if a girl was barefoot, I zoom
in to see how it's looking down
there. Y'know what I'm saying?

-Oh, God.
-Like, "Yeah, she's pretty."

Take note.

Pinky toe ain't shit, though.

Yeah, I wanna nail that. Hmm.

Oh, she got a....

Y'all know what a...
...is?

That's when the pinky
toenail was so tiny,

instead of stroking it
with the polish, she just
goes....

Y'know? It's like dropping
a cherry on some cool whip.

I don't fuck with man feet,
though, man.

I got a-- I got a man
foot phobia.

Like, if one of my homies
accidentally touched me
with a barefoot,

that's one less homie I got.

I got this Indian
friend, man.

He had a gathering at his
apartment one night, right?

I was sitting on the floor,
like he was sitting
on the couch behind me,

I feel somebody tap my arm
to get my attention, y'know.

I figured it was a hand.

Turned to my right, man.
Saw a hairy, brown foot
dangling next to me.

I ain't spoke
to an Indian since.

Goddamn, man.
He make me a bigot.

Not into it.

I do this thing subconsciously
where, regardless of the race,

I view all women with ass
as black men's women.

So if I see a big booty white
girl with a white dude,

that's an interracial
relationship to me.

Yep, yep, yep.

And that kid is mixed.

Blond hair, blue eyes,
thin lipped. Mama got butt,
the boy's a mutt.

Half white, half ass.

Okay.

I remember white girls
was scared to have an ass
back in the day.

-Y'all remember that?
-Oh, God.

Your regular sized white girl,
man. Little bit of flesh
back there.

"My ass is fat, my ass is fat."

Why are you upset about winning?

Be happy you got a butt
instead of a back crack.

Be thankful.

Y'know?
Y'know?

And then you got them white
girls who think they got more
ass than they actually do.

Yeah. "I got black girl booty."
No, you're just fat.

Your ass is big
in the wrong directions.

The dimensions is--

Oh, my God.

Y'know?

Black dudes be having big
butts sometimes. That's weird.

You see fools--
You see fools walking
around like this?

Basketball players be having
that shit, man.

Whoo!

When I'll be out sometimes,
I'll be like, "Damn, that fool
got a big old butt."

Y'know. I don't like it.
I'm not a homosexual.

But objectively speaking,
the brother got cakes.

Objectively.
There's no feelings involved.

Objectively.

All right.

I remember when I was a kid,
man, every time I would come
home from being out,

my mom would always smell
my fingers, to see if I had been
smoking weed, right?

-What?
-So... Yeah.

Y'know, if I came home from Jack
in the Box or hanging out
at a friend's house,

she would smell my fingers.

Yo.

I'm hooking up with this girl
in my car one night.

Yeah, I'm sure y'all could guess
where my fingers ended up.

Her butt.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, I had my fingers
in this girl's butt, man.

Y'know?

Past four or like, two
in the morning,

I get home, I'm thinking
I'm in the clear.

I watch in horror as I see
my mom walking my direction
down the hallway.

I froze up 'cause I knew
what my fingers had been.

-She go.
-Oh.

"Oh, Christ, your fingers smell
like butt. I ain't smelling
your hands no more."

It happened when I was 16, man.

I ain't had my fingers
in my mama's face since.

I'm thankful for that butt,
'cause I was smoking weed
that night.

When in doubt, stick your
fingers in a butt, man.

Y'know, what's crazy...

What's crazy is, man,
I stuck my finger in a butt
when I lost my virginity.

And at the time I hadn't
heard it in a rap song.
I hadn't seen it in a porno.

It was just--
There was a hole there,
my instincts kicked in.

What else was I to do?

You see a hole, you gotta
stick something in it.