Original subtitles

(Cutlery clinking)

(Thud)

(Grunts, groans)

Edgafl

what did he die of?

Man: The same thing our church is going to die of.

Old age.

- (Rope creaking) - (Chain clinking)

(Speaking indistinctly)

(Speaking in Latin)

- (Wind howling) - (Whimpers)

Lenny: What is it about that statuette that you find so sensual?

I'd prefer not to delve into my psyche.

Holy father, donations have declined.

Revenues from religious taxes,

which our bishops and dioceses depend on for their survival,

have declined.

Tourist visits to the Vatican have declined,

greatly reducing the influx of funds to Vatican City.

There is not much that the Vatican bank can do.

Our days of freewheeling finances are over.

Changes in banking regulations mean that our hands are now tied.

If we continue on this course,

we will be forced to start selling off our artistic patrimony.

Simply to survive.

The faithful will return.

It's a natural cycle.

For now, the faithful are not returning.

And small but dangerous enclaves of catholic fundamentalism

are starting to spring up, just like in islam.

Islam has more followers than the catholic church.

Don't you find it a burden to take home the responsibility

of such risky and unpopular decisions?

(Sighs)

Your holiness, who are you, really?

(Instrumental rock version of all along the watchtower)

(Door clicking open)

(Creaking)

(Birds chirping)

(Chair scrapes)

(Speaking in Latin)

Therefore,

by the authority of the almighty god.

Of Saint Peter

and Paul and by our own,

this venerable brother of ours,

we create and solemnly proclaim

of the holy Roman church,

cardinal Bernardo Alonzo Gutierrez.

(Both moaning)

(All moaning and panting)

Receive the ring from the hands of Peter.

And know that through the love of the prince of the apostles

your love for the church is strengthened.

(Screaming)

- Pushing! Pushing, okay. - (Screaming)

- (Nurses speaking indistinctly) - Yes, Esther.

Okay, Esther. Very good.

Push more! Pushing!

Very good. Very good.

Okay, Esther. We're almost there.

Okay. Okay. Keep pushing.

- (Screaming) - Keep pushing now!

- Okay. - (Screaming)

Okay! Okay.

(Esther panting and shouting)

(Baby cries)

(Footsteps approaching)

(Chairs rumbling, scraping)

(Lenny speaking in Latin)

-Now let us offer the prayer

that Christ has given us as the model of all prayers.

Man: (Singing) Kyrie eleison

(breathes deeply)

All: (Singing) Christe eleison

kyrie eleison

(singing in Latin)

Pater noster qui es in caelis

sanctificetur

nomen tuum

adveniat regnum tuum

fiat voluntas tua

sicut in caelo

et in terra

panem nostrum quotidianum

-da nobis hodie -(Baby cries)

Et dimitte nobis debita nostra

sicut et nos dimittimus

debitoribus nostris

et ne nos inducas

in tentationem

sed iibera

nos a mal

(man speaking Spanish)

-Let us pray.

(Exhales deeply)

(Both speaking Italian)

-The pope told me I would become a cardinal.

He didn't keep his promise.

I don't know...

This pope...

I don't know... I don't know...

But I know so many things...

(Scoffs, sighs)

If I were to speak...

(Scoffs)

I don't know...

(Dussolier speaking Spanish)

-And now it's time for me to bid you all farewell.

I should have done it before,

but the holy father kept me in Rome

so I could begin work on my new responsibilities.

I beg your pardon

for only coming back here after nine months to...

To say goodbye

and turn right around and head back to Rome.

But before I leave

I'd like to introduce you to the new bishop of Dan Pedro sula,

monsignor Jorge aguero.

I know monsignor aguero very well.

He's a hero.

From this pulpit he will shout at you

to forsake evil, to fight against the gangs,

to say no to death,

to violence,

and the narcotrafficking that infests Honduras.

He will refuse to give communion to crime bosses

and he will refuse to perform weddings for their daughters.

Yes, he will do all the things that I have failed to do.

Yes, because I'm not a hero.

Because_.

I'm afraid.

Like you.

Perhaps that is why you have loved me, just a little.

Because I didn't make you uncomfortable.

I never asked you to choose.

I never blackmailed you by saying that in order to be good christians

you had to let yourselves be murdered by the henchmen of the drug cartels.

I loved you for the way you were not for the way you ought to be.

Now I bid you farewell. I'm going to Rome.

But that's not going home for me.

I want you to know that, as far as I'm concerned,

Honduras is and always will be

my home.

(Man speaks Italian)

-Attention!

(Motorcycle horn blares)

(Gasps)

(Breathing heavily)

(Car honking in distance)

- (People speaking indistinctly) - (Babies crying)

(Babies crying)

(Babies crying)

Flowers.

This is for the baby.

Oh, you shouldn't have, holy father.

It's a Bible that belonged to Thomas Jefferson,

the president of the United States.

But it's like new.

He never opened it.

We certainly can't blame Jefferson.

The Bible isn't light reading.

(Chuckles)

We named him pius.

A name for a bird.

He'll fly high.

Do you want to hold him, your holiness?

That really would be an unusual experience for me.

For Peter and I, it would be an honor.

(Plus cooing)

(Exhales deeply)

Pleasure to make your acquaintance,

Mr. Pius the xiv.

(Plus fussing)

(Breathes deeply)

(Inhales deeply) Oh...

It's a pity we can't remember

what we smelled like when we were babies.

I do remember

what my parents smelled like.

He takes after you.

But if you look closely, he also takes a little...

No, he's a very good-looking baby. He resembles his mother.

Holy father.

- (Esther shrieks) - (Pius crying)

Forgive me. I'm such a fool.

- My hands only know how to bless people. - It's all right, holy father.

- Nothing happened. - Lenny: Such an idiot.

We all have to get used to new things, holy father.

- Nothing happened. - Yes.

Yes, you're right, Peter.

Valente, was there something you wanted to tell me?

Holy father, the Italian prime minister is waiting for you in the Vatican.

Of course.

It slipped my mind.

(Sighs)

Esther, I must go.

In my head, I'll be at this audience, but in my heart, I'll never have left this room.

It's surprising to see

how a young woman, just moments after having a child,

can be transformed into a mother.

(Sighs)

(Both speaking Italian)

-Mr. Prime minister, please allow me to recommend extreme caution with the pope.

The information I've received suggests that he's more diabolical than saintly.

-Excellent!

He's finally meeting his match.

Your eminence!

-Welcome, Mr. Prime minister, the holy father is expecting you.

- Thanks. - This way please.

-Good morning.

Good morning. Good morning.

We'll be late for the audience!

Good morning. Good morning.

Are you asleep, holy father?

No, Mr. Prime minister, I'm praying for you.

That's very thoughtful of you.

And thanks very much for giving me this audience

afterjust nine months.

I didn't think you'd be running the country this long.

I said to myself, "why bother?"

But I was wrong.

Well...

How is this Italy of ours doing?

Much better.

- Thanks to me. - You think so?

- Yeah. - I think just the opposite.

You wanted to do much better.

Perhaps you should keep firmly in mind,

this list of requests.

Ijotted it down in a hurry just a few minutes ago.

If there's anything I've left off, I can certainly add it to the list,

and I'll make sure you receive it promptly.

"Greater assistance to catholic families."

- "No to common-law marriages." - Mmm.

- "No to gay marriages." - Mmm.

"More money to catholic schools."

"Further tax and banking benefits to the Holy See."

"Absolute prohibition of abortion in all cases."

"Absolute prohibition of divorce in all cases."

Mmm.

"No to any temptation to accept euthanasia."

"Restriction on the religious freedom of muslims and hindus."

Mmm.

"A reopening of discussions of the lateran pacts."

"A full review of the territorial boundaries of the Vatican state."

(Laughs)

This last request really is remarkable, I have to admit.

I didn't know that you had expansionistic ambitions.

But I was told before coming that this new pope is a very funny man.

Did they also inform you

that this new pope was a man far more intelligent than you?

Because it isn't true.

Do you know what the difference is between me and you, holy father?

Let's hear.

The difference is that I was elected with 41 % of the votes.

That 41% exists.

You were elected by god.

And it's not a sure thing that god exists.

Fine.

There's another element worthy of your consideration.

Just in case god does happen to exist,

do you know how long it would take him to wipe that 41 %

off the face of the earth?

(Chuckles)

And where will god eradicate that 41 %?

At the polls in the next election?

Or in their homes while they're watching TV?

Or perhaps in their sleep?

(Chuckles)

At the polls in the next election.

And what's more, I, as the vicar of Christ,

would be happy to help god eradicate that 41 %.

(Both chuckle)

And if you don't stop playing the idiot,

I'm gonna be forced to prove to you that god does exist.

Let me explain something to you, holy father.

- Please. - Your demands

might have some basis in fact at any other point in history.

At a point in history when the church was stronger than it is right now,

the Italian political equation would have been obliged

to take your demands under serious consideration,

the way it always has in the past.

But now let us briefly analyze your papacy, holy father.

In the past nine months,

you have never shown yourself to the faithful.

You have not recited a single angelus in St. Peter's square.

You haven't communicated with anyone.

You have simply retreated into your palace on the hill.

And you have threatened and terrorized the faithful,

through your terse and telegraphic communiques

in I'osservatore vaticano,

with obscurantist and retrograde theses.

The result has been that,

according to a number of highly respected studies,

Italian catholics have turned away from the church

en masse.

This new development not only allows me

to ignore your requests,

but it gives me an even greater opportunity,

finally, to modernize Italy.

Without fear of retaliation or the risk of losing support among voters,

I can review the colossal fraud

of the eight per thousand church tax,

finally imposing punitive taxes on the dioceses,

and, most important of all,

I can finally free the country from the pork barrels,

stumbling blocks, and vetoes of the holy Roman church

in the areas of euthanasia, common-law marriages,

gay couples, abortion, scientific research.

To cut a long story short, holy father,

thanks to you, I can start a revolution.

- A very persuasive speech. - (Exhales deeply)

I'm glad we are finally beginning to talk sense.

Persuasive and stupid.

I might add, like every politician's speech, and what's more...

Unrealizable.

Unrealizable?

Mm-hmm.

We shall see about that.

Now, if you'd care to listen to me, I'll show you that god exists.

And how god and I can annihilate that 41 % of the population

that makes you feel so cheerful and full of yourself.

I'm very eager to hear what you have to say, holy father.

I'm glad.

You see, Mr. Prime minister, in the '60s,

the young people that protested in the streets

spouted all kind of heresies, all except one.

Power to the imagination.

In that, they were correct.

(Laughs) The only problem was, they had no imagination.

(Inhales deeply) And neither do you.

God and I have plenty.

God and I

are simply dripping with imagination.

Now,

just try and imagining something with me.

- Hmm? - Mmm.

In six months, Italy will hold a general election,

and you will try to maintain or increase your 41 % share of the electorate.

And right now, everything, indeed, points to your ability to maintain that 41 %.

- Yeah. - Butjust imagine.

A few weeks before the election, there comes an announcement.

Pope pius xii!

Has decided to appear in public

for the very first time.

To talk to the Italian catholics.

(Gasps)

What morbid curiosity.

The whole world is dying of curiosity.

And it is absolutely to be expected.

It's normal. We all want to see

that which is hidden.

We all want to stare the forbidden in the face.

Pius xii! Appears,

and so do his beautiful blue eyes

and his soft, round mouth.

A dazzling image.

So dazzling, it blinds people.

In other words, a powerful, an evocative image,

not unlike that of Christ.

But pius xii! Doesn't merely dazzle.

He offers reassurance as well.

With a magnificent speech, full of quotations in Latin.

He tells them

that they, the faithful,

must not be afraid.

And why would they be afraid?

With a pope as handsome and as reassuring as Christ?

Last of all, just a few short weeks before the election,

the pope says just two words...

Non expedit.

Do you know what that means?

- No. - No, of course you don't.

You're far too young.

The non expedit was first issued by pius ix in 1868.

It was eliminated by Benedict xv in 1919.

(Sing-song) But guess what I can do.

What I,

who am not answerable to 41 % of the Italians

but only to god, who, by the way,

doesn't express his displeasures on social network if I make a mistake.

Guess what I can do?

I can restore the non expedit.

The catholics will rush to Google those words.

What do they mean?

The non expedit means

that the holy father decrees

it is unacceptable for catholics to vote

in the Italian elections.

And do you know

what the surveys that you commissioned tell us?

They tell us that the number of Italians who identify themselves as catholics

are 87.8% of the population.

Now,

you may say to me, "they could simply disobey you."

True.

But while a catholic might disobey the pope,

they'd never disobey Christ.

I'm already the former,

but believe me, if I want to,

I can have myself accredited as the latter as well.

And when I do,

you'll lose your election.

Here's how it works.

Since you get 31% of your vote from the catholic electorate...

You'd wind up with a mere 10%.

I wouldn't be so sure of those numbers if I were you.

Mr. Prime minister.

Take a look in this mirror.

What do you see?

Two young men.

One of whom is dressed in a slightly odd style.

I, on the other hand...

See two media events.

One has already taken place.

And that's you.

The other is about to happen.

Now, having set out

to prove to you the existence of god...

(Clears throat)

I believe I'm done.

But in that case, why... (Clears throat)

Why haven't you appeared in public yet?

Because_.

There's still no need.

(Speaking in Italian)

-You weren't all that wrong: This pope is diabolical.

(Camera shutters clicking)

Good day.

This pope is a Saint.

I can say that much after my meeting with the holy father.

A warm, productive and stimulating meeting.

Nonetheless, substantial disagreements remain with the Holy See.

The Italian government, despite the pontiff's misgivings,

will continue the efforts to legalize common law marriages,

no matter what the sexual orientation is.

And, as you know, the revision of the eight per thousand church tax is approaching

and will be the subject of our next cabinet meeting.

Holy father, would you like me to see what I can do

to mend the relations with the Italian government?

- Lenny: He's bluffing. - Wh0?

The young man in a hurry speaking on TV right now.

He's selling smoke and mirrors.

He won't do a thing he says.

Holy father, I have read the draft bills

that have already been approved by the various commissions.

These people are deadly serious.

The revision of the eight per thousand church tax

would threaten the survival of the Italian bishops.

Would that be such a bad thing?

What do we care? You and I are the Holy See.

(Chuckles)

The Italian bishops can take care of themselves.

Holy father, I beg you, this is no laughing matter.

Rest easy. He's bluffing.

Holy father, believe me, political awareness is an archetypal emotion

for the secretary of state.

Soccer mania is an archetypal emotion for the secretary of state.

(Chuckles)

I wanted to you let you know I've been working hard on something new.

On what?

A measure forbidding priests from giving absolution in the confessional

to women who have had abortions.

It's a kind of soft, disguised form of excommunication.

Holy father, we will wake up and find women of the world,

led by the femen,

rushing the walls of the Vatican, hammers in hand, bent on destruction.

Fine, and we'll rebuild those walls taller.

And finer.

(Inhales deeply)

Old and unreliable rorschach tests,

orders to investigate intrusively into the pasts of aspiring priests,

young men paid bounties to lure those aspiring priests

into compromising sexual situations

as soon as they're allowed out into the world.

That's what I read in the directive I found on my desk this morning.

Drawn up by who knows what renegade underling while I was in Honduras.

Drawn up by me.

Every candidate for priesthood takes a vow of chastity.

Their sexual predilections are irrelevant.

Lenny: Every candidate for priesthood takes a vow of chastity

and none of them respect it.

That's the truth.

Dussolier: Well,

I'm telling you no.

Lenny, I'm not okay with this.

I didn't go looking for my parents. Instead, I went back to the orphanage.

In order to be with my friend Andrew dussolier,

who was all I had left in the world.

That was the beginning.

You owe me, as a friend,

and as a man of the cloth who acknowledges my authority,

you must do what I ask.

- (Birds chirping) - (Insects humming)

(Basketball bouncing)

(Exhales)

(Jefferson airplane's blues from an airplane playing)

Man: (Singing) Do you know

how sad it is to be a man alone

I feel so

solitary being in my home

without you

don't know what to do

and I don't know where you go

I can see

my life is meant to fall apart someday

got no girl

so I got no world

and I got no words left to say

(Music stops)

- (Net swishes) - (Ball bouncing)

Here you are. Sanchez, Angelo.

My superiors have determined that you are neither suited for,

nor worthy of the priesthood.

You are prohibited from requesting admission to a seminary,

in your home diocese or in any other,

for seven years.

Put in simpler terms, the sexual disturbances afflicting you

are unacceptable in terms of our standards.

(Tapping)

What do you want?

Your resignation.

Othennise...

Our order will threaten a schism.

(Tapping resumes)

A schism?

Just try it.

I'll strip you of all you have.

Everything.

Your beds, your tunics, your underpants,

all those wonderful monasteries you have,

in the most wonderful, loveliest places on earth,

because all that belongs to me.

Are you ready to live on the streets like Saint Francis of assisi?

Are you ready to sleep on the ground,

kicked and spat upon byjunkies

and homeless people and drunks?

I'm ready to wage a war without end against you.

Are you ready to wage that war, armed with nothing but bottomless poverty?

I didn't think so.

In that case, stop talking bullshit.

And get yourselves some shoes, because the air in here is unbreathable.

(Exhales deeply)

(Both speaking Italian)

-Oh Jesus!

- Who sent you? Pios xiii? - No, raffaele esposito the magistrate.

Captain becchi is here and, he would like to ask you a few questions.

-And I'll be happy to provide him with some answers.

-This is for you.

Read it!

-What do you recommend?

-Father antonello did a great job with "a great little soul"

so did Liliana with "a man"...

-I'll take "1001 illustrious names blackmailed by Angelo voiello."

-There, only there.

-May I have some cane sugar?

-We don't have any cane sugar, captain.

-Eminence, do you have any idea why I'm here?

-The owner of the "er core de roma" restaurant

must have filed a complaint against me.

Last week he claimed that maradona is still on drugs, and I really lashed out at him.

I said, "you ugly shit, don't you dare take the lord's name in vain again."

-No, your eminence, we're here about tonino pettola. Do you know him?

- Who? - Tonino pettola.

-Ah, yes. Of course, I know his reputation.

A lousy reputation, let me add. He's a notorious con artist

who claims he can pick out the blessed virgin Mary amid his flock of sheep.

The congregation for the causes of saints has repeatedly

and vehemently rejected his applications.

-Have you ever met him personally?

-Never.

-Pettola's relatives claim the exact opposite.

They say that tonino pettola one evening a few months ago in his home

met with you, the pope and other cardinals.

From that moment on he seemed shocked and obsessed with your meeting

because they say that you threatened to throw him in quicksand.

-Does it strike you as plausible, captain,

that the cardinals, the secretary of state and

the pope would all go to tonino pettola's house

and threaten to throw him in quicksand?

-It does seem strange

but not implausible.

- Why? What happened to tonino pettola? - He disappeared.

His relatives claim he was being persecuted by persons high up in the Vatican.

Do you really think we'd waste our time on a poor raving lunatic?

-That poor man had followers all around the world

and was about to found his own church.

- He's not the only one, captain. - At least two crazies pop up every day.

If the Vatican were to persecute and threaten them all,

it wouldn't have time to do anything else.

-Phone records reveal that numerous calls from inside the Vatican were made to pettola.

-I believe it. People are always making calls from the Vatican.

I've been fighting for years against such wasteful behavior.

-Waste is not the point, your eminence.

Don't you think it's a contradiction?

If pettola was an insignificant con artist and you had no interest in him,

why all the phone calls?

-The congregation for the causes of saints was in contact with him,

doing their best to check his urgent demands.

-The calls not only came from the congregation for the causes of saints

but also from your eminence's offices and from the pope's.

-In the secretary of state and the pope's offices there are about 250 employees.

I can't rule out that someone might have had a reason to call tonino pettola.

Perhaps someone that believed all his fibs and wanted to meet him.

-Do you have any idea where tonino pettola might be?

-He's probably in some far-flung monastery

praying and repenting.

-You have an answer for everything, eminence.

-That's my job, captain.

-I've heard the same thing.

- What, captain? - That maradona is still doing drugs.

A friend of mine told me. He's in intelligence and stationed in Dubai.

-Why do you want to hurt me, captain? Why?

-Because I'm a fan of inter, your eminence.

(Gasps)

(Indistinct chatter)

Cardinal dussolier.

I know you, but you don't know me.

I'm contessa Emma meraviglia, the wife of general meraviglia.

(Speaking Italian)

You know, I don't like seeing you all on your own.

(Chuckles) Uh, I'm accustomed to it, signora.

That's a bad custom to get into.

My girlfriends would compete to keep you company,

and so would I.

In any case, my husband and I will be hosting a party, Thursday, at our villa.

If you are at loose ends, please come.

It would be an honor for my husband and me.

Okay, thank you. I'll keep it in mind.

Bye.

(Light piano music playing)

My name is Angelo Sanchez.

I was born in alicante to a family of manual laborers,

and I am not a homosexual.

I had such a simple dream, to serve god.

You murdered my dream. (Chuckles lightly)

You are nothing more than a pathetic,

miserable, cowardly murderer.

(People murmuring)

(Dishes clattering)

(Angelo sobs)

I... I could have been an excellent priest.

Yeah, you could have.

(Crying)

Dussolier: I want to go home.

What do you mean, home?

We're both orphans.

- You, too? - Me, too.

(Clicks tongue) I was abandoned by my parents when I was just three years old.

Children are so lovely when they're three years of age.

How could anyone abandon a three-year-old?

Where do you find the nerve?

I never knew you were an orphan, too.

Well,

now you know.

- Does Lenny know? - No.

And he never will.

Why not?

(Sighs)

Because_.

You don't steal the stage from the pope.

And you don't interfere with his sorrow.

(Doors thud)

(Distant chanting)