All language subtitles for The.Magicians.S05E01.Do.Something.Crazy.BluRay.720p.x264

Previously, on "The Magicians"...

You didn't just save their lives,

you changed their lives

as much as they changed yours.

You didn't want to leave all that.

Pardon me, sir. Fillory is still ruled

by Acting High King Fen, right?

The Dark King reins. Glory to his rule.

High King Fen and Josh the Fresh Prince

were overthrown 300 years ago.

We need you to go find someone
and do your very best

to convince them to come and help us.

Alice Quinn.

Get a bloodworm and
cast, you boil alive.

Reed's Mark would prevent them
from triggering the parasite.

And once this Serpent group
have been dealt with,

the mark is removed free of charge.

The one that I'm the most
worried about is Julie.

Thank you for deciding that I'll
never get to do magic again.

She's been in a weird place.

- And magic...
- Comes from pain.

Did you... did you just see that?

Yeah.

So... what are you gonna do with it?

Okay.

Julia, you, uh, ready?

Wow. Wow.

- You look...
- Overdressed.

Great.

I thought you said this was a date.

I said I was taking you out
and to dress appropriately.

That means dress up.

You totally told me to dress up.

- I should've been more specific.
- Good.

Glad to hear you accept the blame.

Only problem is, we gotta go
now or we're gonna miss it.

Where's your coat?

But it's 75 degrees out.

Not where we're going.

Okay...

Here.

Do you consent to be traveled?

I consent to be...

traveled.

Where are we?

Other side of the planet. Look.

So my friend Seth is an artist,

but there hasn't been
enough magic for him

to work with meteors until now.

It's incredible.

See, there are a lot
of ways to use magic

to make the world a better place.

Wait, what?

Is that why you brought me here?

No, that's not really the...

I mean, you've been working so
hard to try to figure this out.

I told you. It's my business.

And I'm just trying to help.

You know, to brainstorm.

I need to choose that.

You understand what that means, right?

You feel that?

It's another surge?

Shit.

Uh, Penny.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --

How does making pretty
patterns in the sky

help the world when this
type of a thing can happen?

No one knows when a
magic surge is coming.

So what, we shouldn't try
and make things nicer?

The surges are getting worse.

I'm just saying this
is the type of thing

I should be using my magic to fix.

Julia, I-I just wanted you to
have a break for one night.

Yeah, but this is why I'm working.

I mean...

I only have magic because I lost Q.

I-I just have to find something
to do with it that...

That's worth that.

Julia, there's nothing that
you will ever be able to do

that's worth losing him.

You know what kills me?

I just keep thinking, like...

"Oh, I should talk to Q.

He'd know what I should do."

And then I think, "Oh, right."

It's only been a month.

This kind of thing takes a while.

Ah, goddamn it. Shit.

- My apologies.
- Dean Fogg?

I was waiting for the
right moment to interject

and, well, that never came.

Are you drunk?

No, and I'm sorry about the scotch.

I was... smelling it.

You're not trying to get me to go

to Brakebills again, are you?

Hardly, dear.

I accepted your refusal

as any gentleman should.

Truth is, I'm actually here for Penny.

Jesus Christ, what happened here?

Everett drank a reservoir
of magic and exploded.

It had to go somewhere.

Too much magic means too
many people with potential

are discovering their gift.

Lately, more people
have been able to pass

than we can handle.

And now look at this place.

Might as well be a goddamn state school;

overcrowded, discipline problems.

Did you know someone stole the
school's supply of living clay?

- No.
- Of course, thanks to the surges,

a few of them have blown themselves up,

which isn't very good
for morale, but yes,

it helps with the goddamn
over-enrollment.

With the rise in students has
come a simultaneous rise

in some of the rarer disciplines...

like yours.

So who better to teach them than you?

Whoa, I... I'm no professor.

Penny, you're the only
Brakebills-educated traveler

currently alive on this planet,
which makes you far more qualified

to teach them than anyone else I have,

- including me.
- Yeah, but what if one of them

gets killed because of me?

Excellent point.

This indemnifies you against any claims,

legal or magical that
your students might make.

That doesn't actually solve my problem.

Penny, I can assure you that
without your instruction,

one of them will absolutely get killed.

Fine.

To our pretty corpses.

Goddamn gorgeous corpses.

I'd fuck our corpses.

What are we doing here, Eliot?

We're despairing in style,

as befits two former
High Kings of Fillory.

On that note, it's 3:00,
when I usually ask you

if you'd like to talk about Quentin.

And I usually respond, "I'm fine."

With the help of some
liberally applied libations.

I would prefer to focus on our
current hopeless situation.

You know, I gotta give
it to this Dark King.

All the patrols and heightened security

have made it impossible
to get into his castle.

We tried for a week.
That seems like enough.

Although Dark King is a little generic

as villain names go, wouldn't you say?

I have notes.

Like, we get it, you're a despot.

You're the fucking Dark King.

Although he is somewhat effective.

Everyone seems terrified
of him, like the bunnies.

- They did seem unusually scared.
- They did.

I hope they get our warning to 23.

You know I know we told
him not to Travel here

because of time shit,
but maybe we should just

take the Portal Tree back
to Earth and regroup?

I think it's not safe to leave

until we figure out the time shit.

What if we go back and bam...

it's 300 years later on Earth?

If we could just figure
out a way into his castle

and find out what
happened to Josh and Fen,

we might be in a better position.

Bambi, we're 300 years in the future.

All signs point to not good.

Look, Josh is a fucking Magician.

Maybe he baked an immortality
cake or something.

Plus, it's Fillory.

Weirdness abounds.

I guess these people didn't get the memo

they're living in a dystopia.

A fine Unshackling to you pilgrims.

- Hello.
- I see you've gotten a head start

on today's festivities.

- Right...
- I'm... I'm Pree.

And, uh, you two must be...

High King Margo and High King Eliot.

Um, what?

Now, guess who I am.

Come on.

High King Fen the Toeless.

Not bad, right?

- They're cosplaying as us.
- Hey,

- so where's this big party?
- Yeah.

You two really have been drinking.

There's only one place

to celebrate the Great Unshackling.

Castle Whitespire!

Castle Whitespire.

- Of course, where else?
- We wanna get there

before all the good seats are gone,

so come with us.

- Come on.
- Come on.

It can't be that easy, can it?

I guess so.

Good afternoon, Alice.

It is afternoon, you know.

You got another letter from the Library.

You know...

they're just gonna keep sending them

unless you respond.

I know, I already told them no.

They're just bad at listening.

Alice, you know I have no
problem with you living here,

and it is your business if
you want to let yourself go,

but right now I need you to put on...

you know, whatever fits and help me.

It's an emergency.

You want my help to cheat?

Not cheat, pick.

It's my ladies' garden club
perennial orchid competition,

and, well, I wanna win.

But none of them are Magicians, right?

Yeah, but that doesn't mean they're not

a bunch of mean old twats.

Mom, this is not an emergency.

Yes it is.

There's too much magic, Alice.

Everything that I touch just...

it grows like crazy.

I'll get it.

Hey, uh, can I come in?

Uh, welcome to Introductory
Psychic Translocation.

My name is Professor Adiyodi.

I see you have your Umar,
Kaminsky, Aurora...

See, I always thought
books would help, but...

The only problem is,
books make you think

you can do something that you shouldn't.

Anyone hearing other
people's thoughts yet?

Cool, you're gonna wanna
get some psychic wards

to block that shit out right now.

The truth? Being a traveler is a curse.

Best case scenario?

You end up a taxi service
for your friends.

Worst case? You dream about volcanoes,

and then you wake up in one.

What?

Yeah, are you actually
gonna teach us something

or are you just gonna
keep trying to scare us?

Look, man,

I'm trying to be real with you.

You should be scared.

I mean, have you even actually traveled?

Anyone?

Okay... seriously,

get an anti-traveling
tattoo and then just go.

Enjoy your life.

'Cause it'd be a hell of a lot longer

than if you stick around with this shit.

End of class.

Peace.

I miss him too, but a séance?

Well, I wanted to talk to him,

and then I realized what if I could?

You know, what if we could?

Actually talking to the
dead is wild magic.

It's way too dangerous.

Well, then what should I do?

Because I don't know, and
the person I wanna ask...

is Q.

I miss him every day too.

I honestly don't know how
to move on without him.

I just... but we have to, right?

I found it.

It was his.

His notes are written in the margin.

What a nerd.

Can't talk to him, but... can read it.

Picture what he was thinking.

Next best thing.

Um...

is Kady here?

Let me get this straight.

Your friend tried to
remove your Reed's Mark

with magic, and...

- Blew my arm off, yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

I still can't cast, either.

Why not go to a hospital?

I don't have health insurance.

I know a spell.

- Might make you vomit, though.
- Like a lot?

One-armed beggars can't
be one-arm choosers.

Hold his arm in place.

Wait, wait, wait... how
much throw-up, really?

Wow,

thank...

Uh-oh.

- You got that look, boss.
- That guy...

he was so afraid of not having magic,

he was willing to risk blowing
his own arm off to get it back.

That guy was an idiot.

Or maybe just desperate.

So what? It's hard to be a Hedge?

It's always been hard.

We could at least defend ourselves.

I thought with magic back,
things would get better.

The Library promised they'd
remove all of Reed's Marks,

- and they haven't.
- Are you surprised?

I hear the Library's falling apart.

So I doubt that fixing hedge witches

ranks high on their to-do list.

Well, I'm done waiting.

There's tons of magic now,

so let's figure out a way
to remove them ourselves.

If you're serious,

I heard about a guy who
might be able to help.

An Order of the Library
of the Neitherlands

medical manual should have
the ritual you're looking for.

And why should we trust you?

'Cause I don't give a rat's
tit about the Library.

Never have.

I don't even read books.

- But you worked for them.
- Not anymore.

Contracts aren't valid
once the place collapses.

Besides, I'm chaotic neutral,

so I do a lot of crazy shit...

for cash.

And since we're not
here to fuck spiders,

you can pay, can't you?

We can pay.

How soon can you get us the manual?

I'm not getting it for you.

I'll just tell you
where you can find it.

A former Library book
depository no one's hit yet.

They'll have one...

and a lot more goodies, besides.

And you're not grabbing these
goodies for yourself, why?

Mate, if I knew how to rob that place

without getting decapitated,
I'd be robbing it right now.

You have all come to hear the story

of the Great Unshackling.

First, there was I,
Ember, God of Fillory.

Then came my boring brother, Umber.

Together we created this world.

But I thought it would
be funny if Fillory

were ruled by Children of Earth.

I am High King Eliot,

and I am drunk all the time.

That's original.

I am High King Margo,
and I'm angry all the time.

I am King Quentin,

and I am dissatisfied all the time.

I am Queen Alice, and I died,

sort of.

It's complicated.

The Children of Earth
came and went doing

their Children of Earth things,

like chewing loudly and texting.

One of them even killed me,

which was not funny,

but at least it was unexpected.

He neglected to mention he
was gonna destroy the world.

- True that.
- Shh!

No matter who was in charge,

Fillory remained shackled to them,

which brings us to... these two.

I am High King Fen the Toeless,

and I like knives.

I am Josh the Fresh Prince,

and I love to eat.

Also I have a mustache.

Huh.

I guess Josh must've gone
through a mustache phase.

So they weren't paying
attention when it happened.

The Takers came into Fillory.

The borderlands became overrun.

The people fled for their lives.

Boo!

Boo.

- What's a Taker?
- No one knows...

- I don't know.
- ... where the Takers came from,

but they were everywhere.

The people asked for help.

But we didn't do anything.

The people prayed.

There were no more gods in Fillory,

yet their prayers were answered anyway.

I will save the people of Fillory!

Who was this mysterious hero?

Oh, just a humble wizard

coming to you out of the darkness.

Eventually, the people would decide

to make this dark wizard
their king: the Dark King.

I promise to protect
you as long as I live,

and I shall live forever.

But before this could happen,

the people handed out just desserts!

To the gallows!

Did somebody say "dessert"?

As we cast off the shackles of our past,

I declare today will be known
hence as the Great Unshackling.

And the people of Fillory
lived happily ever after.

Margo, for God's sake,

- would you just come back?
- They murdered them!

They murdered the shit out of them.

Okay, yeah, like 300
years ago, all right?

Look, maybe you didn't have time

to prepare yourself for this,

but you have to know it
didn't end well for them.

Yeah, well, it's not over yet.

We're gonna "Endgame" this shit.

When did you have time
to go see "Endgame"?

Does it matter?

All I'm saying is we're
gonna time-fix this bitch.

In the center of Fillory

is a clockwork heart built by dwarves.

They're the ones who taught Jane Chatwin

how to do Time Magic.

Jesus Helena Bonham Christ.

Read the books already, El.

We're gonna dial back the clock

300 years to before all this bullshit.

Right, so I guess we just
have to somehow find our way

to the center of the world, then?

When I was High King,

I started excavations to reach it.

I wanted to meet the Clock Dwarf.

Who takes care of the clockwork heart?

Come on.

So we're actually going to slide

to the center of the world?

Oh, grow a clit, will you?

Bitch, I would if I could.

So what made you change your mind?

I need to get out of the
house, and your request

seemed the least annoying.

You promise you won't ask
me to join the Library?

Promise.

I just need a phosphoromancer

for, like, an afternoon.

Fine.

Motherfucker. I have a
serious case of slide-ass.

Yeah.

I think I lost several pounds

to friction burn as well.

Welcome, adventurers!

Wait, you're the Clock Dwarf?

Huh, I thought you'd be smaller.

'Cause I deal with clocks?

'Cause on Earth, "dwarf" means "small."

Really?

Is Earth really big?

So tell me, did you happen
to bring any food with you?

Uh...

were we supposed to bring you some food?

I mean, you didn't have to.

I just figured if you came all
that way from the surface,

you might have some hearty,
adventuring snacks.

Like bread and maybe ham

and cheese and lettuce

and perhaps some assorted condiments.

Sounds like you want a ham sandwich.

If you're offering a ham sandwich.

I'm not.

Ah, I see.

It's just, uh...

I don't get out much on account
of the massive disruptions

in the flow of time
that happens when I do.

I get by on cave mushrooms.

They're fine.

Um...

we were hoping you might
be able to help us.

Earth and Fillory kind
of fell out of sync.

On Earth, barely any time has passed,

while here, it's been 300 years.

Big ol' surge of magic
skipped the gears forward.

I had to crank down on it
before it went too far.

Okay, how about you just wind
it back 300 years, then?

I can't.

These clock gears aren't
made to go backward.

I could probably jump you
forward 300 years, if you want?

Why the shit would we wanna go
another 300 years in the future?

Well why would you wanna
go 300 years in the past?

Because all our friends are
dead and the world is fucked.

Oh, wow...

sorry.

These mushrooms...
they also get me high,

and so I don't always pick
up on emotional cues.

Look.

- You're a smart dwarf, right?
- Yeah.

There's gotta be some way to skip back.

I mean, this whole thing

- is already impossible, isn't it?
- Yeah.

We're sorry we didn't bring you snacks.

Oh, this isn't even about the snacks.

If I wound the clock backward,

it would... it would just be bad.

How bad? 'Cause it's bad now.

Like apocalypse bad.

It would destroy Fillory.

So I'm sorry.

I wish I could help you.

You guys want some cave mushrooms?

Look on the bright side, Bambi.

We just got to slide up
back to the surface,

which hurt a lot less
than on the way down.

And now we get to hole
up in a lovely villa

on the Grand Canal and sip
Bellinis until we pass out.

We can't leave Fillory.

I don't want to tell you
that things are hopeless,

but they're not looking very good.

And I hate to see you feeling like this.

I'm not gonna feel better.

What the hell is wrong with you?

You should feel just as upset.

Uh... I don't know.

I guess it takes a lot to upset me.

I think you're gloriously medicated

and in some textbook denial.

I'm managing.

- I'm fine.
- Sure, you're fine.

A monster rode you around for months

while he murdered people,

and then one of your
closest friends died.

You know, I don't remember
anything from in there.

As if that changes a goddamn thing.

Quentin died, and it hurts.

And I don't really
want to talk about it.

Everything I have to say,
you already know, so...

Why?

Well, if it were me,

I'd be driving a fucking
semi down fury road.

Yeah, well, feelings are gauche

and I'm sparing you mine and I
thought you would be grateful.

I don't care what you're
like out there, but with me?

I thought you'd at least try to be real.

Bambi.

Don't "Bambi" me.

If you're gonna be this stupid,

I need some time alone to calm down.

Hey, banished scum!

What happened here?

Been a rough couple of weeks.

Everyone's abandoned us.

We've lost most of the branches.

Can't even reach our
people in the Underworld.

Where's Zelda?

Oh, God, who knows?

She's a mess.

Look, no bullshit,

after you refused to help her
for, like, the 15th time,

I think it broke her brain.

She said she can't be trusted
to lead and ran off.

Then who's leading the Library?

Well, not me, that's for sure.

I'm just doing my job.

That's a Library Branch Index, isn't it?

- You know about these?
- I've heard a couple things.

Okay, well it shows you the
location of every volume

and how to access it.

So what's the problem, then?

The phosphoromancer who did this...

is dead. I need you to unlock it.

If you're gonna watch,
I'll need a drink.

Yeah, I could use one myself.

I think there's a bit of confusion

about the nature of your job.

You told me they'd get killed
if I didn't talk to them,

so I told them how not to get killed.

Well, how very thoughtful of you.

Look, man, I was doing you a solid,

but I don't think I'm your guy.

This is the time, as a dean,
where I usually dig deep

to find a funny or sad
anecdote to win you back.

But since I've stopped drinking,

those no longer come easy.

- You stopped drinking?
- Yes.

I've lost the taste for it, I'm afraid.

Maybe it's what happened to Quentin.

Maybe it's just my liver.

Either way, I'm a bit raw at the moment,

so you will forgive my bluntness.

You signed a contract.

I thought that was, like, to protect me?

I lied.

It was an employment contract,

which forbids you from quitting.

I've never met a Penny
who read the fine print.

So what if I break it?

Well, I will sue you into oblivion.

Could you fight it? Yes.

Would you win? No.

Could you run?

Well, yes, of course.

You're a traveler.

But I doubt a world exists

where you could hide from our lawyers.

I will see you at school, Professor.

Not that there's anything
wrong with masturbation.

There's a tradition of
librarians masturbating...

it goes back centuries.

But just the way he did it

was creepy.

God damn. I need to pee.

Holy shit.

Apologies, my good lady,

for the intrusion into your maison.

And for startling you.

And for raiding your magical
winter box of comestibles.

It has been a long and
arduous journey...

Fine.

Who are you?

I am Sir Hargreave Mcgrubney Cubbins

Archibald Brian Effingham III,

but you can call me Sir Effingham.

Are you from Fillory?

Why, yes I am.

Well deduced.

You are a credit to your sex.

No. We've passed that.

What brings you here to Earth?

I am here on a mission
of dreadful import.

It is not an exaggeration
to say that the very fate

of both of our worlds
lies in the balance.

You're here to bestow a quest.

I am here to bestow a quest.

You know, this timing is perfect

because honestly, I've been
feeling a little lost lately

and I've been looking
for something to do

with my magic to make a difference.

You know, searching for a sign.

- And here you are.
- Here I am.

So tell me, how can I help you?

You can help me find Quentin Coldwater.

Oh.

Yeah. Um... no, that's not...

Perhaps you have been beset by hysteria?

Is your corset too tight?

It can cause the womb to wander.

I've seen it happen.

Um, no, you...

you can't talk to Quentin because he...

he's dead. He died.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

I do believe I'm having the hog sweats.

Are you all right?

No, my dear lady, I do
not believe that I am.

You see, this matter that brings me here

it... it is somewhat
apocalyptic in nature.

Oh, I find that I do
not feel at all well.

Perhaps you could pour me a draft

of medicinal cocaine?

Oh, yeah, that's not a thing we use...

Do you not have modern medicine

in this gods-forsaken world?

Oh, this is truly the end times.

Well, maybe I could help
you to save the world.

Yes, very good.

Oh, you're serious.

No, no, no, you see,

I'm afraid that that would be, uh,

far too difficult for...

for someone like you to handle.

You know, I have saved the world before.

I was an actual Goddess.

And you are still quite fetching,

albeit unmarried.

Look, the nature of the quest

that I must deliver, well, it...

it requires a certain kind of hero.

And what kind of hero would that be?

Well, that is to say, uh...

To use the common tongue,

a... a... hero with a...

pork loin?

So the apocalypse is
happening or whatever,

and this little piggy
comes all this way,

but you won't accept my help

because I'm a woman?

Quite right.

Well, I have a long journey ahead of me.

This has been a dreadful setback,

but I'm sure that a hero will rise

and he will save us.

Madam, I have heard from
many trusted sources

that hysteria such as
yours can be cured,

temporarily,

through pelvic massage.

I must go.

Look familiar?

This building, our target?

It's missing.

Maybe it's some kind of
optical displacement spell?

Like the building's hidden?

Come on.

Hey, man, can you tell me,

did there used to be a building here?

- I don't think so.
- Are you sure?

I mean, I've only worked in this park

for, like, eight years,

but yeah, maybe I'm wrong about it.

Well, guy says there was
never a building here,

so looks like Gavin ripped us off.

He didn't rip us off.

There was a building.

I can still see the
residue from the wards.

So what happened to it?

I think someone stole it.

Then mind-wiped everyone in the area.

Do you know what kind
of skills it would take

to steal a building with Level 5 wards?

That's, like, Gandalf-level skills.

That's like... wait.

Gandalf was a wizard, right?

Pete, just... shit.

I think we might have some competition.

So the apocalypse is coming,

but don't worry your pretty
little head about it?

What are we gonna do?

It's not like he's the first guy

to tell me I'm not good enough.

Right, and how screwed
is the universe that

it doesn't even realize Quentin's dead

- and plan around it?
- Truth?

I don't think the universe

is really looking out for anyone.

Try saying that to your students.

I think I've already told them
all the depressing things.

Can't believe I have to go back.

What the fuck am I gonna say to them?

Well... what would you say

if you could say anything you wanted?

'Cause you can.

Well, what would you say to the pig?

I'd say...

Hey, Porky.

If I wait for you to
tell me to be the hero,

then I'm just buying into your bullshit.

In real life you don't get chosen.

You choose your quest.

And I'm choosing mine.

Yeah.

You know, I got magic back
because Quentin died.

And I think I know what
I'm gonna do with it.

I'm gonna figure out what's
causing the apocalypse

and I'm gonna stop it.

When I got to Brakebills,

I thought I'd die before I turned 30.

That's all anyone ever told me:

Travelers die.

And bad shit has happened to me,

but not to you,

not yet, anyway.

You still get a choice about your path.

And since I already talked
about the bad side,

I should probably show
you the good side too.

Anyone who wants to see that, come here.

Cool, you brought us to...

rocks.

Look up.

A few years ago, I was running

from some bad shit and
I found this place.

It's not on any map.

You guys can breathe.

- There's no one here, just us.
- Oh, my God.

When you master your powers,

you can wake up anywhere, in any world.

If you want to still do
this, I'll help you.

Just think about it.

For now, I am gonna shut up

and let you enjoy this place.

Professor Adiyodi?

Merritt, right?

Yeah... I had a question.

You said you heard voices
from other worlds.

Are you hearing something?

It's not a voice; it's more like, um...

A signal?

Okay, um...

uh, sit down.

Yeah.

I'm gonna take down my
wards so you can show me.

You just, uh... close your eyes,

- okay? All right.
- Okay.

Professor?

Professor!

- What happened?
- I don't... I don't...

I couldn't control myself.

Did the signal make you do that?

Hello?

Anybody there?

Just great.

What are you gonna do now, Margo?

It's gonna be okay.

It's gonna be okay.

Who am I kidding?

They're gonna chop my goddamn head off.

Josh?

Josh!

Josh!

Of course, I got trapped in here

with a ghost loop version of him.

Margo,

wherever you are,

I hope you're okay.

I wish you were here.

I wish I wasn't gonna die alone.

Why are you smoking?

I don't know.

Quentin did sometimes.

Can I have one?

You know, you're the
only person in the world

who can smoke judgmentally.

I know what you're going through.

When your father died, I was a wreck.

I didn't know what to do.

I wasn't ready to be alone.

I didn't even know how to be alone.

I did some pretty insane
things just to get by.

Insane even for me,

but I'll spare you the details.

Doesn't sound like you.

Well, I could tell you if you prefer.

What's your point, Mom?

That everything's just gonna
get better, eventually?

No one gets to tell you
how to grieve, Alice.

You're on this journey by yourself.

Only you know where it's gonna take you.

If you need to do something
crazy to get through it...

Do something crazy, okay?