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O'Neil: Most obscene body
I've ever seen in my entire life.

I'd like to jump out of this car
right now and bite your ass.

Halt. That's a moving violation.

Caught in the act.

Take me alive.

How should I plead?

(Blows whistle)

O'Neil: Another day,
and the morning cruise.

This is a small town. A
peaceful town and I like that.

Nothin' on the radio.

I like being a cop. And having a good time.

Live and let live, that's all.

But I like the work.

I like the uniform, the
car, the whole thing.

The best part about police work is
that you get to meet a lot of people.

You learn a lot about human nature.

Miss, it's against the law
to hitchhike inside city limits.

-Oh, really? -Sorry.

Well, that's ridiculous. This isn't a city.

I can give you a ride outside city
limits, if you like, out to the highway.

Okay.

-Are you really a cop? -That's right.

Boy.

-Where you from? -L.A.

City girl.

I don't like cops.

I'm sorry.

Too jumpy and uptight, you know?

Goes with the job, I guess.

Does this work?

Calling all cars, calling all
cars, 10-4, Roger, Crawford.

Please, ma'am, not good.

You really dig all that
gun crap, don't you?

You know, I bet you don't
even have a real pecker.

Just a .45 between your
legs. No, not even a .45.

Probably, most likely, a
.38 snub nose or something.

Well, let me see what
you got down there, huh?

What is this, huh?

Let me see. Oh.

Oh. Oh! It's a bazooka.

-Oh, my god. -Ha-ha! Woo-hoo!

Let's get out of here.

-It's hot. -Yeah. Come on, let's go in.

Well, we got about five more minutes.

Well, we got about four minutes.

So, we got about four minutes.

Jesus Christ.

(Shushing) Be good.

Goodbye, judge.

Bye-bye, judge.

Judge's wife. Mrs. Crawford.

That's disgusting. Married
to an old cocker like that.

(Glass shattering)

Nonnegian broad.

Met the judge on a cruise.

Nonnegians do anything for a laugh.

A man should be able to
choose the way he dies, huh?

Yeah.

That's disgusting.

Somebody got his head
blown off over in roane county.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, some service station guy. Damn shame.

- You got anything on it?
- Nope. Just a burglary.

Well, I don't understand
it. It's just plain crazy.

Lots of crazies running loose.

More crazies than normals, if you ask me.

Yeah, well, listen I'm going
to go grab some breakfast.

All right, catch you in a minute.

O'Neil's doing all right.

Yeah, he's doing all right.

- Needs a little more experience.
- He'll get it soon.

-I wish, boy, I really wish. -Wish what?

Wish those killers would come this way.

Yeah, what would you do?

I hate to think about it.

Killers. They get away with murder.

(Chief chuckling)

(Muttering)

Hey, come on in.

Well, how do you like it?

-Like what? -Town.

You been here, goin' on three months.

Oh, I like it a lot.

Most cops we get around
here are too old to catch a fart.

(Laughing)

Yeah, this is a real
peaceful, law-abiding town.

And you know what? I'll tell you.

We got the best iookin'
women in the world, right here.

Healthy women.

-Now, take Ruby. -Man: I'll take Ruby.

Oh, shit, shut up, shorty, you wouldn't
know what to do with her if you had her.

Something happens to the women in the city.

I noticed, they seem to shrivel
up from the smog or something.

Tits look like them two
damn eggs over there.

-Milk, right? -Right.

-(Tires screeching) -(Man exclaiming)

I bet it's a woman.

I bet you any amount
of money, it's a woman.

Woman 1: It was your
fault. Woman 2: My fault?

Hello, ladies.

General, she just ran right into me.

Hmm. Let's take a look.

Well, everything seems to be all right.

- I was just worried about my cake.
- Your cake?

Yeah, it's part of my act.

And I had it specially made for my body.

Oh, do you come out of the cake naked?

-Just about. -I'd like to see that.

Oh, you can, honey. I
perform for everybody.

Weddings, bachelor parties, wakes...

Well, I'm glad your cake is okay.

You're sweet.

Excuse me.

Everything seems to be all right.

It's her fault. She
backed right up into me.

Hmm, well, may I see your driver's license?

Lisa... crotch?

-Krowtch. -Well, miss krowtch, uh,

nobody's hurt and unless you
want to make a formal complaint...

No, thank you. It's the principle.

Well, listen, my name's Jimmy o' Neil

and I have some food waiting
in there which is getting cold,

if you'd like to come in there and
have some coffee and talk about it...

No, thank you. Officer.

Have a nice day.

Well, listen now, what do you
do after you come out of the cake?

Nothing illegal. You
know I get out and I dance.

Then I sit in the honored party's lap...

Oh, but it takes a special talent.

You know, you have to be able to talk.

Talk to all kinds of people
about all kinds of subjects.

You have to be intelligent.

- It's not justjumping out of the cake.
- I'm sure.

-See you around. -Thanks.

I don't know, the girls
today, they're really weird.

They walk around with no
bras, no panties, no slips.

Show everything to everybody.
Leave nothing for the imagination.

What people got to
learn is self-discipline.

That's the main thing.

When I was playing third trumpet
in the high school marching band...

-Third trumpet? -Yeah.

- You learn a lot about intricate marching.
- Intricate marching?

(Chuckling)

- What's so funny about that?
- Intricate marching.

Hey, look, oh, Jesus Christ,
there they are at it again.

(Men groaning)

(Exclaiming) Get up!

Get up, and I'm gonna give you a good one.

(Both men shouting)

All right, all right.

- Oh, officer, hold me back.
- Yeah, I got you.

Lassiter: Come on,
okay. Come on. Come on now.

Yeah, I mean, Annie,
what do you call yourself?

I mean, a call girl? A prostitute? Well,
honey, let me tell you, I am a whore.

And I ain't got no pimp telling
me what kind of clothes to wear,

what kind of perfume to buy, no siree Bob.

And, another thing. This
town ain't got enough business

to keep a whore alive,
let alone a prostitute.

So that's why I got me this route.
You know, like those circuit preachers?

I mean, one week this town, one
week the next. You know what I mean?

How you doing, sweetness?

Fine, thank you. How are you?

All right, if I can't
sell it, I just sits on it.

That's a waste.

You telling me, I just might
give you a little bit, though.

You serious?

(Laughs)

You know my room at the hotel?

You bring your little book, 'cause
we going to break some little laws.

(People shouting)

Man 1: Happy birthday, Harold.

Man 2: Show me your pussy.

Get up there. Get up on the table.

Come here, come here,
I love you. I love you.

Man 3: No, I love her.

Man 2: Do the twist! Man 3: I
love her more than you'll ever.

Give me...

Man 4: Just check out her boobs...

The action...

Eat that cake.

(People talking indistinctly)

Come on, Scott. Come on.

Oh, sweetness. You're learning.

Pretty soon you're gonna
be a real professional, I know.

(O'Neil chuckles) How
long you going to be gone?

-Two weeks. -Oh.

- Have a good time.
- I'm going to give it all I got.

Well, don't wear yourself out.

(Laughing) Honey, them big
trains wear out before the tracks.

-Is that true? -Oh, yeah.

See you later.

General.

They're about to tear
me to pieces down there.

- You came out of the cake?
- And they went crazy.

I can understand that.

(Men clamoring)

(Clamoring continues)

I've got to get my cake
back. It's specially made.

Couldn't you show them
your badge or something?

-I don't have it. -Oh.

(Shouting)

It's real close in here, isn't it?

Yeah.

What you got in your pocket? A Blackjack?

Nothing.

Oh, my word.

O'Neil: I stayed in
that closet for two hours.

A policeman is never
off duty. In uniform or out.

(Automated voice speaking Spanish)

(Repeating in Spanish)

I said that already. Accion.

What in the hell are you doing?

Habla espanol.

What?

Learning to speak the
language of the people.

In case I get a police
city job, it'll help me.

-That's smart. -Si.

Thank you, Clyde.

Boring, boring, boring.

You know I had a dream last night.

That I was drowning in a pool and
pat Boone's life flashed before my eyes.

When I joined the police force I
wanted some action, some excitement.

Something.

You ought to go to la.

I'm thinking about it very seriously.

Trying to get something going
right now. Get the old heart pounding.

I'd go straight to the vice squad.

It's not a bad idea.

You know, there must be some
vice in this town somewhere.

Yeah, two circuit hookers.
Waste of time to even bust 'em.

You're young. You wait, o'Neil.

You'll get bored too.

Well, I don't know.

You can get killed out there,
if things get too exciting.

Yeah.

Well, some things are worse than death.

You better stop reading that
crap, rooster. You're gonna go blind.

- Where's o'Neil?
- Getting dressed. Hate to do it.

Damn, o'Neil. You look real nice.

You look lovely. Really lovely.

Anyway, we know this guy comes
in to the hospital parking lot and...

Shakes his organ and, uh...
Screams some obscenity and uh...

Good luck, o'Neil.

Only one thing wrong
with your legs, o'Neil.

What's that?

They go right up to your ass.

(Both laughing)

(Laughing)

Oh, my god.

I don't believe it.

Please, just be quiet. I... I
know it's funny. I think it's funny.

Excuse me, I... sorry, I
don't mean to bother you

but I'm a little lost and
I was just wondering

if there might happen to
be a telephone around here,

that maybe I could possibly use?

(Laughing)

That's right, laugh. Laugh,
you suffering suckers!

And look. Look at the
magic wand of Willard.

The primitive prick of the potentate.

Touch it and fondle the mandrake root.

Wait a minute, hold it.

Yes, yes, hold it. I love it. Hold it.

But wait a minute, I'm a police officer.

-I love you. -Police.

Look out.

(Sighing)

(Willard panting)

Please don't resist.

Jesus Christ!

I broke my heel.

(Willard groaning)

This is very unconstitutional,
you know that.

(Exclaiming in pain)

Don't be so rough.

Sorry.

You know, you think I'm weird,

you ought to take a look at yourself.

Yeah, dressed up in drag,

beating up on a little guy like me.

Police radio: Unit one, the Jones
are at it again, over at 1224 south wigham.

(Lester cackling man iacally)

(Exclaiming)

(Mumbling incoherently)

(Groaning)

(Emily gasping)

Cow, bitch of a wife.

You puddin' assed load of shit.

(Lester yelling)

(Both screaming)

I'm gonna kill you this time!

I'm gonna sit on you till you suffocate.

Lester: You puddin' assed load of shit.

(Lester and Emily shouting)

(Ringing doorbell)

Uh, anybody home?

Hi.

Sweety pie, there's an officer out here.

Why, hello. What's the matter?

Well, uh, we have a little complaint
from one of your neighbors.

Complaint?

Yeah, they thought somebody
was getting killed in here.

-Oh, that's ridiculous. -It sure is.

Officer, you know how
it is. Are you married?

Uh... no, I'm not.

Well, every now and then a husband
and wife have a tiny argument.

Nothing serious, you know,
but they just have to get it out.

Well, I understand, but it's still
against the law to disturb the peace.

Disturb the peace?

Looks like it's going to
be a beautiful day, officer.

Yeah, looks that way.

-Okay. -Officer.

Everything is all right.
Don't worry about a thing.

Toodle-oo.

Goodbye. Have a nice day.

What a wonderful man.

He's such a sweet boy.

-But I like a real man. -Oh, you, oh, baby.

(Blowing whistle)

O'Neil: The chief liked for us
to get involved in the community,

so I became coach of the butternut kittens.

We had an up and down season.

And I wish I could screw
o'Neil like I screwed that game.

-Oh, Jimmy. -Jimmy o'Neil.

-Oh, he's sexy. -Older men are sexy.

Anyway, he doesn't notice us.

I had a dream that he arrested me.

And he frisked you until
you started breathing.

He lifted up my skirt with
his shotgun, then I froze.

And then?

-I woke up. -Oh.

O'Neil: Lisa was the coach
of the Armstrong Amazons.

It would seem that a nurse
would have some mercy.

She didn't.

- How's the hospital?
- Sick, lot's of sickness.

- Well, it was a nice game.
- Yeah, I like to win.

- I can tell that.
- You're not a very good coach.

Well, uh, I don't have the killer instinct.

Well, that's part of it.

Listen, uh, why don't you give me a break?

Come on, officer, what do you want?

I get the feeling that you don't
like me. It's just a feeling, but...

I think that's because
you've got me all wrong.

Well, listen, there's this birthday
party for my partner, lassiter...

It's just a small thing, uh, a chance
for you to get to know me better.

Okay.

-How you feeling? -Very good.

(Woman laughing)

-You happy you came? -Mmm-hmm.

(Lassiter humming)

You know, I think I had
you all wrong, o'Neil.

He knows only to have one eye open.

Did you see what o'Neil
got me for my birthday?

-No. -Look at this, right here.

(Screeches)

Isn't that great?

(Shouting) O'Neil! Look
at this, your birthday present.

O'Neil: Oh.

(Lassiter laughing)

- It looks very well on you.
- Yeah, when I do it, I can see better.

They keep scars away.

(Lassiter muttering)

Oh, god!

Wait a minute.

Oh, look at the little squirrel!

Look at that little squirrel, o'Neil.

Look at that... (Laughing)

You and your squirrel, get
out of here, we want quiet.

Quiet, quiet.

Hey, you want some potato chips?

-Watch. -No.

(Lisa laughing)

Right? Like how they crackle.

I know that I am a cold fish.

Cold fish.

-Lassiter: Two cold fish. -I know that...

I know that... I am a cold fish. I'm not.

- No.
- I really want to feel something for people.

- I know that you are the action type.
- Action.

I know that Vera likes you a lot.

I'm one with nature.

But I'm the shy type.

And it's really hard for me to open up.

-That's true. -But right now I feel like...

I can really open up to you.

I mean, I really feel like I can...

Open up. Do you know what I mean?

(Snoring)

(People screaming)

You kicked me in the balls!

I'm gonna take that goddamn popcorn, shove
it down your nose and pull it out your ass.

(Lassiter whistling)

-How's tricks? -The same.

All right! Who started this fight?

Man 1: He did. Man 2: He did.

Craddock, craddock, craddock. Get
out of here, will you? Get out of here.

(Doorbell ringing)

Excuse me.

I don't want to seem
hysterical, but I am hysterical.

There's a prowler outside. I
saw him looking in my window.

Are you sure?

Well, I wouldn't come over here in
the middle of the night if I wasn't sure.

(Rustling)

(Cat meowing)

O'Neil: Ruby was a good neighbor.

With a good imagination.

Didn't see a thing.

Well, I'm sure I didn't imagine it.

You know, there are girls who
get turned on by the uniform.

They want to ball a cop.

Some will even suck on your badge.

A cop is usually ovennorked,
underpaid and misunderstood.

But he should never be horny.

Man, that city council.

It's a third time in a row they voted
down air conditioning for patrol cars.

They just flat turned it down.

Well, what do you
expect? It's a small town.

No, it's a dull town.

I've been on this job five years,

I picked up 40 speeders,

five drunken drivers and one burglar.

Man on radio: Unit one, o'Neil, a gorilla
on the loose over at the bekins building.

Now a gorilla.

Unit one, we're on our way.

A gorilla.

It's up there. Way up on the building.

-Way up top there. -Yeah.

Okay, ma'am, it's
just bill in a gorilla suit.

Listen, he did the same
show in 1970. It's a bad act.

Grab the booze.

(Spectators exclaiming)

Lassiter: Come on now,
get your ass out of the way.

O'Neil: I'm moving, lassiter, I'm moving.

-Move it! -I'm moving.

You weigh 50 pounds less than
me and you're moving like an old lady.

- I don't like heights!
- What do you mean, you don't like heights?

Vertigo. It's a good time
to find out you got vertigo.

Terrific.

Oka, bill. Bill.

All right, hold it now.

Don't you come any closer, I'll jump!

Oh, come on, bill. You
could get arrested for that.

For what?

Impersonating an officer?

-Look... -Don't you come any closer.

Just don'tjump yet, bill. Not yet.

-Oh, who cares. -We care.

Oh, nobody gives a damn anymore.

Don't you come any closer or I'll jump!

- I'm warning you.
- Look, bill, for you. For you.

Just trying to tempt me, huh.

Just trying to tempt me,
that's what you're doing.

How you feeling, old timer.

I feel like hell, that's how I feel.

All lonely and all messed up.

You know, you did a
hell of a job on that ledge.

I should. I was a
high-wire artist at one time.

A championship high-wire artist.

No kidding.

Here have a drink.

No, against regulations.

Bill, why you always doing this for?

I don't know.

I get so lonely and depressed.

(Crying) I just have to
drag out the old gorilla suit.

Come on. Let's go, bill.

How you feeling now?

I feel like shit, that's how I feel.

O'Neil: When it rains, it pours.

My life was getting
complicated and confusing.

(Doorbell ringing)

I mean, when do you ever get enough?

-The prowler is back. -You're joking!

So what?

(Laughs)

Al: How about some ham and eggs?

How you doing, honey?

Just fine. Coffee?

No. A beer.

Been

Lou: Three beers.

-You guys passing through? -That's right.

I used to be on the
route a lot myself, once.

You're a good-looking woman.

Thank you.

You play around a little, sweetheart?

Only food served here, friend.

Now, if you're looking for something
else you're in the wrong place

and this is the wrong town.

Who says?

I says.

How you doing, Jimmy?

Getting a little rushed around here.

Give me a six-pack of beer, please, Ruby.

Sure.

Damn, I didn't know this town had a cop!

Well, now you know.

Lou: Hell this is the
crime capital of the nation.

(Men laughing)

The uniform is nice. Gun, boots...

Hey, how much they pay you?

Oh, enough to get by.

Lou: I bet they make
you buy your own bullets.

(Men snickering)

Jesus!

A cop in this town? What a drag!

We're sorry, officer.

We don't mean to bug you.

We just get a little loud.

You ain't lied yet.

I always say an empty
pot makes the most noise.

Forget the eggs. Let's get outta here.

Good idea.

See you later, fuzz dick.

Them three guys are rehearsing
for a nervous breakdown.

I thought they were funny.

Thank you.

Tough luck. He was a pigeon.

Yeah!

Bet he's holding a thousand.

And that tight-assed little waitress.

(Whoops)

In 1953

squirrel Franklin tried to beat me to
death with a 50 cent bag of jellybeans.

(Exclaims) Tried to kill
me with a bag of jellybeans.

You're lucky.

Could have been jawbreakers.

If the bag hadn't broken...

(Phone ringing)

Hello? Yes.

Yes, yes, yes, you bet. Yes, ma'am.

That's fine. I understand. Right away.

Well, I need a volunteer.

The judge is leaving town today

and needs somebody
to babysit Mrs. Crawford.

Oh, a bodyguard.

Chief: Well, sort of.

Well, listen, I'm leaving,
I could run out there.

Good.

Wait a minute, o'Neil.

Get me a cup of coffee.

Now that's what I call graft.

Power-pedaling.

Using the police force as
your own, personal errand boys.

Why, do you wanna go out there?

It's just part of the job.

(Mocking) “Just part of the job."

Oh, I was hoping it was you.

I'm your bodyguard.

Oh, that's nice. Have a seat. Sit down.

Would you have a drink?

A drink? No, no, that's
against regulations.

All these rules and regulations.

I'm free.

(Speaking Norwegian)

That means, "like a bird."

Do you like my body?

Uh, yeah, I guess wouldn't
be guarding it if I didn't like it.

I'm proud of my body.

I can understand that.

Oh, you might offer to rub
some lotion on my back.

What do you do for fun around here?

Oh, just hang out.

I bet you hang out, o'Neil.

That is your name, o'Neil?

Yes, that's right.

Are you discreet, o'Neil?

I use deodorant.

You know what the judge would
do if he saw this whole scene?

-No, ma'am. -He would shoot you.

Do you know what he would do
if he caught us in bed together?

He'd shoot me?

Well...

What would you rather be shot for?

Rubbing my back or making love to me?

(Chuckles)

Give me 10 seconds.

Don't beat around the bush.

I told you I was discreet.

Well, I'm not.

My husband never fucks in the car.

- (Mrs. Crawford groans)
- O'Neil: I'm sure that's true.

Mrs. Crawford: Once
a month in bed, that's all.

I'm so frustrated.

O'Neil: I don't think
that's enough for you.

Mrs. Crawford: (Groans)
Look at you. Oh, look at your body.

O'Neil: Oh, you're very pretty.

Mrs. Crawford: Oh, thank you.

That's helpful.

Mrs. Judge, fantastic.

Oh, I got a cramp. Let's change positions.

You're delicious.

(All cheering)

Okay, kittens! We have five seconds to go.

All you have to do is
hold on to the ball, right?

All: Right!

One, two, three...

All: Let's go!

(All screaming)

(Girls laughing)

When I win this championship,

wow, my parents are gonna
let me use their car more often,

I won't have to study so much.

(All clamoring)

Amazons are known to be big.

O'Neil: We finally got you.

At last.

Listen, I'm sorry about
the other day. It was rude.

Forget it.

Well, it was just one of
those things, you know.

Yeah, well, I'm just a bitch.

No, no, you're not.

When I'm around you I am.

Listen, I'm just an
average guy trying to get by.

Bullshit!

What out. When you get
pissed your nipples stand up.

O'Neil, you just don't understand, do you?

You really hurt my feelings!

I'm sorry.

You know, you really think you're
god's gift to women, don't you?

Playing around behind your badge.

Trying to get into the
pants of every girl in town.

As far as I'm concerned you're nothing but

-a fucking creep cop! -(O'Neil chuckling)

Not even a good cop.

Hmm.

You piss me off!

You know something? I
like a man who's a man.

Not one who plays games.

So if you have any ideas
about me, prickhead,

you can just forget it.

Jimmy o'Neil. Jimmy o'Neil.

You know, we've got to figure
out some way to get him over here.

Well, come on! Think of something.

I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

Oh, I know. We can call up and
report a flying saucer in the backyard.

What about Mr. Waterlee next door?

What about Mr. Waterlee?

Mr. Waterlee. Mr. Waterlee.

What about Mr. Waterlee?

Do you see him out there?

Yeah, I think so.

Okay.

All right, now the blouse. Slowly.

(Chuckles)

What next?

Sit down and I will show you.

Well, there he is! (Giggling)

(Giggles playfully)

Police department.

Watch this, watch this now.
This is going to be so beautiful.

-(Laughing) -Where'd you learn that?

Honey, I was born with it.

Oh, god, this is so groovy!

We blew it! It didn't work!

I know.

Well, at least we've
got a bottle of wine left.

Yes. Thank god.

(Knocking on door)

(Whispers) Go! Go!

Come in!

-Come in, coach. -Oh, it's you two.

Bobby and Mary.

Well, uh...

Listen, what are you girls up to?

-Nothing much. -Honest, nothing.

Where are your parents?

They've gone away for the weekend.

Bobby is staying with
me until they get back.

We got a "disturbing the
peace" complaint from next door.

Ah, it seems that you were
making a lot of loud noise and...

Well, actually, that you were parading
around in front of the window naked.

-How strange? -Yeah.

O'Neil: Well, that's indecent exposure.

So, what's indecent about it?

Uh, the law. I mean that's
the law, that's the law.

Mmm.

Mary: We did it on purpose.

Old man waterlee is
always looking in over here.

So, we decided to give
him something to look at.

Oh, no!

No, just keep the curtains closed...

And don't shake the old man up.

I mean, you could kill him.

Okay? Okay.

Coach!

You tell him.

Why don't we come over here and sit down?

We have something
very important to tell you.

-Really. -(Sighs)

-Really important. Yeah. -Important?

-Well, just for a minute. Just... -Yeah.

Sit right down there.

Beautiful.

Well, we wanted to get you here.

Hmm.

So, we sat down and
we were thinking about it.

And we had two bottles of wine.

(Giggling) So, we drank one bottle.

And we started to think.

We like you.

But you probably think we are too young.

- Seventeen and seventeen is thirty four.
- I'm almost eighteen.

Well, listen. I like you girls too.

(Stammering)

I mean, you are wonderful for the team.

And you won the championship for me but...

We'll never leave you alone.

We'll follow you and we'll
get you sooner or later.

So, you might as well give in right now.

(Giggling)

Take off your gun, coach.

Uh, no, I don't need to do that.

Listen, listen... oh man.

(Siren wailing)

(Men chattering)

Al: I'm gonna get you.

(Muttering)

A little bullshit.

Let me see your driver's
license and registration.

Sure thing, occifer.

What's happening?

What's the matter, porky?

Well, you got a bad tail light.

Jesus Christ.

Al: We are not looking for trouble.

Looking at a big, tough cop like yourself

with the gun and everything...

-Read it. -Oh, I can't read.

You're really pushing it, fellas.

Al: Anytime you want to
take that gun and badge off...

Superman,

I'll push you all over that street.

Bullshit.

Took the words right out of my mouth.

See you later, Mr. Earp.

All right, move.

Al: Oink, oink.

(Snorts)

Here, piggy, piggy, piggy-

(men laughing)

Here, piggy, piggy, piggy-

Hey!

I doubt whether I'll ever
use this thing in anger.

I don't think it would be pleasant.

Who knows? Maybe the black
panthers will come to town.

Lassiter, you been watching too much TV.

Yeah, maybe.

Come on, we better get going. We
got the speed numbers this afternoon.

I'll bring the cards.

That's gin.

Gin?

God damn it.

Well, lucky in love.

Yeah, sure.

Must be going through my new cycle.

Cycle?

Yeah, people's lives, they move in cycles.

-It's like uh... the stars. -Oh, astrology.

Right. What's the matter?
You don't believe it, right?

Everything in life has cycles
and seasons. Like my marriage.

I came out here from New York
city. Met this girl. She lived over here.

Said I'd settle down, nice
place to raise children.

And five years later,
everything turns to shit.

She runs away with a liquor salesman.

Goes back to New York and I stay here.

(Counting)

Oh, maybe you're due for a new cycle.

I sure hope so. Eight... nine.

A new woman.

Ten. Yeah, new woman.

(O'Neil sighs)

(Car horn blaring)

Jesus Christ.

Son of a bitch is flying.

Get after that guy.

(Siren wailing)

Lassiter: Okay, would
you... would you watch out?

Don't lose him. Don't lose
that man, I want his ass.

Turn it. Turn it. Right here.

Let's get on that son of
a bitch. Don't lose him.

O'Neil: Shut up, lassiter. Just shut up.

God damn it, o'Neil.

Asshole. Move that car onto the road.

Lassiter: Watch out for the tree.

O'Neil: I see the tree. Thank you.

You, pull it over. Pull it over.

Lassiter: All right. Get out of the car.

Driver: Hey, don't bullshit with me, man.

(Shouting) It's not
bullshit. Get out of that car.

All right, we are going
to have to take you in.

Here, will 50 make it all right?

How about 100?

Listen, we almost got
killed chasing your ass.

Can you drive, miss? We
have to take him to the station.

Yeah, I can drive better than him.

All right, you know your
constitutional rights?

Damn right I do, you fucking rednecks.

You shut your mouth. You shut your mouth.

Let's move it.

All right, he'll be out in the morning.

You can keep him.

Girl: You know a motel?
O'Neil: Yeah, I know some motels.

Tell me, is it dangerous being a cop?

Well, sure.

Everything is dangerous.

Ever been shot?

Couple of times.

But, you know what is surprising?

The moment death is
near, you don't think about it.

You know?

The bullet hits (mimicking bullet)

But you don't feel the pain.

You feel the blood oozing out.

Then maybe you think you might die.

So, you have been shot?

I don't like to talk about it.

Show me the scars.

-What for? -Because, I wanna see them.

I mean, did they get you there?

Or do they get you there?

Everywhere.

It was a machine gun.

You're bullshitting me.

Why would I lie about a thing like that?

Well, I think I'd better be going.

Oh, the boy scout.

Well, listen, honey,

you are not really my type.

Or I'm not your type.

Now, how do you know that?

Well, cops like me are strictly

low life, street people.

You, uh... you are uptown.

And you are conning me.

Well, I'll take a beer with me.

I've never balled a cop.

Don't brag.

I have balled musicians

and actors

and doctors and lawyers

and even psychiatrists, but never a cop.

Okay, what now?

Take your clothes off.

I have got a better idea.

Take my clothes off.

Come on. Make it snappy.

I really have to be going.

I'm the queen of the one night stands.

Mmm.

I'll give you a quarter for the vibra-bed?

That isn't necessary.

If you touch me in the right
place, I'll vibrate at the same speed.

Oh, that's cute. That's very cute.

Look, you either tell me what I wanna know

or you are going to have
to deal with my partner.

And he is very mean.

Now, I'm a nice guy.

Friendly.

See, smiling.

I can get rough if you force me to.

- Can I get to my cell?
- I'm not through you yet, turkeyhead.

Now, you're in a lot of trouble
whether you know it or not.

Your whole life is in jeopardy,
whether you know it or not.

Now, you either tell me what I wanna know

or I'm gonna send you up to a place
where they have to pipe in sunshine.

According to the Geneva...

Geneva is not in this country, fruit cake.

(Exhaling contentedly)

(Mumbung)

It's about time we make a hit or something.

-What then? -Go up to Tahoe.

Yeah.

You know, bennie?

You're getting gun happy.

(Mumbung)

(Chuckling)

(Hammer clattering)

Hey, that's illegal.

What are you trying to do there?

Hey, it's the old timer!

-Hey, old timer. -Hey, that's illegal.

You getting any? (Laughs)

Hey, you know what he's doing?

He is trying to break into
my friend's vending machine.

That's illegal, isn't it?

You listen... what the heck?

Lou: Hey, bennie,
let's play a little catch.

Now, you give me my...
Now, you give me my bottle.

You know, I think about Vera a lot.

Vera.

-The girl at the... -Zoo.

Well, uh...

She doesn't really strike me as the type

that cooks and sits around the
house with your pipe and slippers.

But who is?

Get him up. (Laughing)

Lou: Stop this shit.

Hey, cut the shit.

Bennie: Get the hell outta here.

Lou: Die. Come on, move it.

What I'm trying to say is, uh...

Look, I know it sounds like a cliche but...

What are you doing
working in a place like this?

I enjoy it.

You're just rationalizing now.

Vera, you deserve better than this.

Now, look, I have been watching
you for a long time now and...

I'm really attracted to you.

I know I never said
anything about it till now but...

Now that things are
going a little better for me,

I just, uh, I thought, I'd
be needing a woman.

Someone who cares, someone who wants a...

What are you talking about? A wife?

-Huh? -Just slow down, Vera.

Let me, uh, let me say it my way.

You see, uh, I'm... I'm action-orientated.

I find it very hard to talk.

You want some action?

Or you just trying to talk me to death?

What are you talking about?

Belly to belly.

This is off the record but, uh,

I'm on duty.

Come on, get in.

Careful of my feet.

I feel very sensitive...
I got sensitive feet.

(Moans)

I think I'm coming into my new cycle.

(Groaning)

-It's okay, old man. -He got my bottle.

Who did it?

The gorillas are mean, you know
that? They are mean and hairy.

I'll get an ambulance. Hold on.

Oh, Howard! Howard!

Rooster, yeah, o'Neil here.

Can we get an ambulance
down to the quick car wash?

Thanks.

Hello, sweetheart.

Where you going?

You all by yourself?

Here, pussy, pussy.

Hi.

How you doing?

Just fine.

Wanna go to a party?

No, thank you. I really have to go.

How about spending some time with us?

No, I really do have to get home.

Oh, come on. It's party time.
We wanna have a little party.

-You want a drink? -No, thank you.

Let's talk about it.

Sit here and talk about it.

- Please, come on, you guys.
- Let's go over here and talk about it.

Come on, sweetie.

Come on, please. (Gasps)

Sure you wouldn't like to
have a little drink with us?

Come on.

No, thank you.

Let's you and me do some talking.

(Ruby exhales)

I promise, we are not going to hurt ya.

- Oh, come on, please.
- Hold on, stay right here.

Now, I wouldn't wanna break your ribs.

Oh, please.

I mean, you can stay right here.

I can't let you go. What will they think?

(Gasping fearfully)

I need you to stay right here,
we're gonna do a little bit of talking.

(Clothes ripping)

(Ruby screaming)

Oh! I'm sorry.

(Ruby screaming)

Ruby: Please.

Please don't.

Here, let me make you
a little more comfortable.

-(Men laughing) -Ruby: No!

-(Dog barking) -Please don't. Please.

Lou: I'll try not to hurt
you... Ruby: Please don't.

You give in.

Please don't.

(Gasping)

(Sobbing)

No.

(Crying) Please, don't.

(Muffled)

Please don't.

(Ruby sobbing)

(Lou grunting)

Son of a bitch.

(Whimpering)

Just a little kiss.

(Groaning) No.

Just wanna make love to you.

I'll be nice to you.

(Groaning)

(Groaning)

Let me get to you.

No. (Moaning)

(Gasps)

(Whimpers)

(Exhales)

You're pretty quiet today, lassiter.

Yeah.

I think I'm in love.

Something happened last night?

Yeah, something very important
happened to me last night.

Well, that makes two of us.

That Vera.

She is a lot of woman.

Yeah.

Well, you missed a
lot of action last night.

No, I, uh...

I didn't miss any action last night.

Well, you tell me about your
night and I'll tell you about mine.

I think you're a little young for that.

Lou: Jesus, it's hot already.

Ah, goddamn boots.

Hey, bennie, what you doing out there?

Tonight's the night.

I think we oughta move out.

I ain't through.

Me neither.

That girl could have talked.

Bennie: So what?

She wouldn't talk.

She loved you.

You didn't do so bad yourself.

That cafe, it could have
in it 2000, maybe 3000.

I still think we ought to move out.

You ain't afraid of the cops?

(Chuckles)

(All chuckling)

(Doorbell buzzes)

Oh, uh, listen, not tonight, Ruby.

It's all right. I didn't
come over here for that.

Okay. Come on in.

-You have a beer? -Sure.

Jimmy.

I haven't been too much fun these days.

Ever since old bill got beaten up.

(Ruby sniffling)

-Those three guys at the cafe. -Yeah?

I was coming home the other night...

And they, uh... (Sobs)

And they grabbed me in the alley,

and they threw me against the wall.

And they raped me.

All three of them, they raped me.

And I couldn't do anything.

I couldn't do anything.

Oh, it's okay. It's okay.

Why didn't you say anything to me?

(Sighs) 'Cause I was scared.

They said they were going to kill me.

And I believe them. And...

And I was ashamed.

(Sighs) I was ashamed.

I wish you'd have told me about it.

(Sniffling)

I don't think about you
like a real cop anyway.

Bullshit. I could've helped you.

Damn it, o'Neil.

You're beginning to bore me.

Did you all of a sudden
turn fag or something?

No.

I just have a few things to think about.

O'Neil, I want you to leave.

Put your uniform on and get out of here.

And don't come back here
till you get yourjuices flowing.

Hi, officer o'Neil.

Oh, could I have some aspirin please?

Sure. You want large,
economy, giant, or family size?

(Stutters) Just some aspirin. Small.

Okay, they're right there in front of you.

Okay.

You're a friend of Mary's, aren't you?

Well, I know her.

I'm Judy.

Mary told me all about you.

Well, I'm a good friend and...

You understand.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Lisa. How are you?

Good.

That's great.

Um, I've been thinking,

and I'd really like to
apologize for being so bitchy.

I think I was wrong about you.

No, you should follow your first instincts.

I like you.

You were right about me.

I mean, look, I was in the army,

and I saw all the killing and the crap.

And I didn't like it.

And I came to this town and I got a job,

and I just wanted to
enjoy myself, you know?

Well, it's all gone sour.

I mean, I have no commitment to my job,

I have no commitment
to the people I work with.

I don't even have any
commitment to the people I like.

No commitment.

So, listen, I mean...
You're a very nice girl.

But I just don't know how
to deal with you right now.

Look, I'll see you around.

Well, that's it.

I told 'em today I'm going to quit.

-You sure? -Positive.

I called a friend of mine at the LAPD.

Says he's going to check
some things out for me.

You ought to get out, too.

I'm thinking about it.

Good. I'll have him check
out something for you, too.

No, I mean out.

-Out? -Out. Police work.

What's the matter?
Somebody kick you in the head?

Just about.

Honey, you've been
acting blue all night long.

Just a little.

Oh, come on, now. Don't look back.

Pretty girl like you.

Ain't but three things in
the world worth anything,

that's a good cigar,

a cool sip of water on a hot summer day,

and a pretty girl with a smile.

That's better. (Chuckles)

You ought to write some
of that stuff down, Clyde.

Well, when I get back to 80

I think I'll write myself a book.

I'm gonna call it inside
Clyde: Good time philosophy.

(Laughing)

Oh, gentlemen, tonight you
are too late. We are closed.

That's perfect.

Hi, honey.

Lou, check out the place.

Check the back rooms.

What's the matter, honey?

Don't you like what
happened the other night?

(Ruby groans)

Don't go for it, nigger,
or I'll blow her head off!

(Screams)

Get that dumb-ass out of here!

Now, where's the money?

I don't know.

(Shouts) Where is it?

Find it, god damn it!

-Hold it. -What?

Look over at Clyde's.

O'Neil: Well, the blinds are
drawn and the lights are on.

Let's go over and take a look.

Anything you say.

Listen, you go around
and cover the back door.

I'll take my shotgun.

Where are Clyde and Ruby?

Just stepped out. Coming back.

We're kind of watching the place for 'em.

Well, that's very nice.
Seems real neighborly.

(Chuckling)

We under arrest?

Not quite yet.

I'm hoping you might resist.

(Laughing)

(Screaming)

(Groaning)

Freeze!

(Screaming)

(Grunting)

(Engine starting)

(Screaming)

(Gun clicks)

(Choking)

Oh, Jesus. Look at you.

O'Neil?

O'Neil, you all right?

(Siren wailing)

Ah, you're here.

(Sighs) Isn't this poetry?

I'd still rather be making love to you.

Still.

O'Neil: Well, I lived.
Though I complained a lot.

I didn't want to be a hero.

Yup, a cop is usually ovennorked,
underpaid and misunderstood.

But he ain't never horny.

How are you feeling?

Fine.