Original subtitles

Previously on Five Bedrooms...

I'm so sorry.

I know the feeling wasn't mutual,

but Des was like a father to me.

Cheryl's coming over for the reading of the will,

so is it OK if she stays here with us?

$748,374

to Ainsley Olivia Margaret Elling.

750K?

Mm. You don't need to keep saying the number out loud.

I don't want to end two decades with a tracking number

and some unwanted Christmas decorations.

Neither do I.

I was thinking more along the lines of

us perhaps seeing a counsellor.

OK...

Heather and Ed are in serious strife.

Were you aware that she chose to stay with me and not him?

Either he's lying to her, or she's lying to us.

So you won't officially stay at my place,

but you will unofficially spend every consecutive night.

The only way I can get my head around this

is to look at it as a day-by-day accident.

(LAUGHS) Right.

ED: Morning.

HEATHER: You know that voice that lives in your head?

That voice had led me down some shitty roads over the years.

But it also led me here...

How did you sleep?

Like someone slipped me a rufie.

..to this.

- That's a good thing. - That's a good thing.

- ..man. - Not for everyone, obviously.

But, yeah, I'd pay good money.

I have.

I know you're not going to eat for about an hour,

But I have kept you both crusts.

Hey, I was thinking,

you know, in honour of your graduation,

maybe we could throw a little soiree.

- Not a chance. - Hear me out.

You don't have to do anything. You don't have to lift a finger.

- It's not going to happen. - You want to pretend to think about it?

I'm 4,000% sure.

That's numerically impossible.

I'm so sure I haven't told a soul it's happening.

OK. (LAUGHS)

I'm not surprised by that at all.

No-one wants to see me in a stupid hat

getting handed a piece of paper.

I do.

That's only 'cause you're my lecturer.

Not anymore.

True.

You're still required by law to be there.

OK, let's say - for argument's sake -

we did decide to do something small.

Apart from the usual suspects, who would you want to invite?

Whatever you're doing, stop it.

- Ed! - Yes.

I'm very clearly, very calmly

asking you to refrain from making any plans, calls,

texts or email invitations.

I sent the invites out about an hour ago.

HEATHER: I actually thought I'd found a man who got me.

(PHONE RINGS)

- Col. - Are you sitting down?

Yep.

Have you checked your emails?

Why?

(LAUGHS)

The earth just moved.

Ed's reached out, personally, to both of us.

Hang on. I'm just going to put you on speaker.

I've got to try and find it. Hang on.

COL: Total vindication.

He's bloody throwing her a party at his house,

tomorrow before they graduate.

- OK. - OK, my ass.

This is our worst fear, writ large.

She never let me throw her a party in 20 years.

And I've done the google on him.

He's got a massive block.

Off-street parking for four cars,

sold for 1.4 million in 2005.

It's got to be worth...

$5 or $6 million by now.

Col, I'm sensing you're wanting me to be outraged,

but Ed having money is a good thing, isn't it?

Oh, Benny. Benny, Benny, you sweet-hearted fool.

You got no idea what this is, do you?

Well, it's a casual soiree with, um, finger food.

She's getting married.

What?

I know, it's like salt on an open wound.

But at least we've got each other.

Col... you know, I would follow you anywhere, mate,

but I think you are...

I don't want to be right, Ben.

But I am.

- Well, I'm sorry. - No you're not.

No, no, I'm not.

I'm angry and I'm hurt.

How could you exclude us

from such a monumental moment in your life?

It's inconsiderate and selfish, and we are beyond insulted.

I'm not.

I'm looking forward to seeing where Ed lives.

You know how hard it is for me to get time off work.

How long have you known about this?

- A couple of months. - What is wrong with you?

Oh, just a staggering amount of shit, and you know it.

You're not hanging me out to dry for this.

I'm doing you a favour.

You didn't want me to your graduation.

Because it was on the other side of the world.

Even if it was just around the corner, I wouldn't have gone.

I wouldn't go to mine if it wasn't for Timmy.

- I still might not get there. - Wow.

- Oh, you are going. - Have you no shame?

You'll no doubt be thrilled to hear that I can't come.

I've got counselling with Stuart.

Oh, great. I don't want you there.

It's not just about you, Heath.

This is part of a much bigger conversation.

Your hatred of socialising is pathological.

What's that supposed to mean?

You're not working full-time anymore.

You're not raising teenagers.

You're not the most busy person on earth anymore.

So?

So maybe it's time to change the broken record

that's playing in your head.

- HEATHER: What a crock of shit. - (BELL RINGS)

Mum, we've talked about this.

You don't have to ring the bell when we're in the same room.

I agree with Elizabeth.

Thank you, Manju. That means so much.

I don't agree with everything you said, just the first bit.

The first bit...

Hope you don't look at your other patients

with such disdain.

You are not my patient, Mum.

I've lost my appetite.

I want to go back to my room.

Can't you wait until Liz finishes her meal?

No, it's fine. I'm not hungry either.

(PHONE RINGS)

I hope you're happy with yourself,

'cause this whole shindig of yours...

Just before you break into your stride,

this is a three-way chat.

- TIM: Hi, Mum! - So you're ambushing me now?

Let the man talk quick.

Quicker he spits it out, the sooner we can end this call.

HEATHER: Spit it out, then.

Well, the keynote speaker that I had lined up for the graduation

has just pulled out.

- So? Get someone else. - I'm trying to do that.

I thought that maybe you and Timmy might do it.

Then you're an idiot.

TIM: What did I tell you?

Yep. You called it, mate.

I knew you'd knock him down.

He actually had faith in you.

- I really did. - No, you didn't.

ED: How would you know?

Heather, I don't want to do it either,

but it's not about what I want or what you want.

It's about Ed.

It's a huge coup for Ed. Plus, I already said yes.

So, if you don't do it, you're going to look like an asshole.

Got to go. Shit to do. Bye!

(TIM EXHALES AND HANGS UP)

Thanks for that.

So, is that a yes?

It's a 'let Timmy think it's a yes

till I can find a back door.'

Yeah, I'll take that.

Heath... Heath, um, I just...

Actually, have you got a sec?

Sure.

I just wanted to let you know

that I wasn't as spooked as Col was about Ed's email.

What?

- Oh, Col gave us a bell. - About Ed?

Well, not just...

No, actually, I think he's... happy for you.

Well, that's bullshit.

It is, yeah. No, he, um...

thinks you're getting married.

I genuinely think he was hit on the head as a kid.

Good. That's what I thought, too.

And I just wanted to ask you one favour.

Now, I know you're not big on

spruiking your own wares and stuff,

but I was hoping I could get a plus-one to your graduation.

Mel's more than welcome.

No, I was thinking not Mel.

I was thinking Mia.

She's having a bit of a rough time at school.

I thought you two could catch up.

Maybe some of your educational inspo might rub off.

- I'd love to see her. - Oh, sweet.

You do realise it's a weekday?

I didn't. That's alright.

So you're going to take her out of school

to inspire her to go back to school?

Yes.

So, hang on. Should I bring Mel?

Sure.

OK to send the next one through?

Thank you, Cynthia.

Just one more of Dr McBain's and two of ours.

MAN: Harry?

Anton!

Hello.

I thought I was seeing Dr McBain.

No, he's on leave, so I'm filling in.

Right. What are the odds?

Uh, if you'd prefer to reschedule,

if you're uncomfortable at all...?

Uh, no, I'm fine if you are.

Yep. It's nice to see you.

Yeah, you too.

- Please take a seat. - Thanks.

So are we just checking your MAP today,

or is there something in particular?

It's just a mole I've had for years,

but it started to change,

so I thought better safe than sorry.

Absolutely.

Just step over to the examination table

and we'll take a look.

Sure.

(HARRY CLEARS THROAT)

OK. It's probably nothing.

But just out of an abundance of caution,

I'd like to do a biopsy, if that's OK.

Absolutely. Yeah.

Unless you're only doing it so I'll keep my pants down.

(LAUGHS)

Right.

Good day?

No.

I've been copping shit from every idiot you emailed.

Colin thinks I'm halfway pregnant and moving in.

You would tell me you were pregnant, wouldn't you?

Look, I appreciate the gesture.

- No, you don't. - No, I don't.

- Because I hate people. - Well, so do I.

I mean, if I had my way, I'd never leave this house.

You're just saying that 'cause you know it's my fantasy.

I think you'll find it makes more sense

for me not to want to leave the place.

I mean, look around. This place is fucking massive.

It's not THAT big.

It's bigger than your joint.

It's a lot less crowded.

You know I love your housemates.

- Do you? - Oi!

Yeah, I'm... I'm quite fond of them, yeah.

- Who's your favourite? - Oh...

Ben.

Are you going somewhere with this?

- I'm trying... - Get there quicker.

Maybe...

..you should move in here.

We'd kill each other in the first week.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Fair enough.

Guess we'll never know.

- What did I tell you? - Jesus Christ, Col!

(LAUGHS) Don't... sneak up on me like that

- Why are you so jumpy? - I'm not jumpy.

Hmm. She has landed on her feet this time.

I mean, this is... (LAUGHS)

..just the bones, just architecturally,

let alone the finishes!

But... riddle me this -

how the hell does a teacher end up in a joint like this?

He hasn't earned it. Not legally.

Probably just invested well.

- I mean, he's an older bloke. - He's younger than me.

I'm telling you, it's drugs, corruption.

People smuggling.

Maybe... Jesus!

- Oh, where did you come from? - Calm down.

I just got here.

- Do you need a beta blocker? - A what?

They're not addictive.

I only use them for big client meets.

But I thought Heather might need a couple.

Oh, cheers, Col. Very thoughtful.

Hey, you.

I've missed that face.

These two giving you the shits?

Col thinks your boyfriend's dodgy.

Where does all the money come from?

- He probably just invested well. - OK. You're both wrong.

His ex is loaded and he got the house in the divorce.

Oh.

You look lovely.

Did you intentionally match your blouse to the artwork?

What?

Well, you just clearly are very comfortable here.

Can you do something vaguely useful and call Tim?

- He should be here by now. - Happy to help.

Can you help from over there?

We don't have much time, so I'm coming in hard and fast.

- What's going on in school? - The usual.

- You don't want to be there? - Pretty much.

You're hating your subjects?

Doesn't care enough to hate them.

You got a boyfriend?

No-one special.

I'm seeing a few people.

It's nothing exclusive.

- Oh. Fair enough. - Interesting.

So, when you say 'seeing', what exactly are you saying?

It's too hard to explain.

- How hard can it be? - It's too hard.

Why don't you go and get yourself a drink.

So does that mean she's seeing more than one? What?

Hey. Hey.

She's just winding you up.

It's her job.

(MURMURS INDISTINCTLY)

How's she getting along with Mel?

You haven't even told her.

There's not much to tell. Mel's just a new mate.

Yeah, a new mate you're having sex with you.

Yeah, well, I'm not gonna tell Mia that, am I?

You won't have to. For Christ's sake, look around.

Mel's not shagging anyone else in this room, is she?

There's no way that kid won't put two and two together.

I'd get ahead of it. She'll be alright.

Can I interest anyone in a horse's duvet?

- (LAUGHS) - Nice.

- That's yours. - Thank you.

Timmy still hasn't shown up. Are we concerned about that?

Oh, he likes to make an entrance.

- He'll be here. - Cool.

Uh, go. Any one.

(PHONE DIALS)

LACHLAN: Yes?

Are you on your way?

No, I'm not.

Well, I am looking up in the next 1.5 minutes.

Look, I said no, and I meant it.

- I don't care. - You do.

And as you are WELL aware,

leaving the office unattended is a very serious offence.

- It's a felony. - It is not.

I've already made it abundantly clear

we need at least seven days notice.

How many times have I covered for you with zero notice?

If you're referring to

my medical emergency/ allergic reaction...

Burning your bum hole with hot wax is NOT an allergic reaction.

It is a consequence that could have easily been avoided.

And, frankly, I question why you were waxing your nether regions

at 11am on a work day.

(JANGLING)

Are you jingling your keys at me?

I am locking up.

You wouldn't dare.

We both know that you are too professional and compassionate

to put me in such an uncomfortable...

You're getting a massage, Lachlan!

You can't prove that.

Ains, please.

Don't make me the guy has to sack his favourite co-worker...

(SCOFFS)

As if I could make you do anything.

- Oh! - (LAUGHS)

Thank you.

Ooh! How long have you been holding that?

Oh, about half an hour.

- Yeah... - Is it no good?

Oh, I'll get you another one. Sorry.

Oh, um, I had a chat with Col.

He's got a fair bit to say about your situation

with the, uh, cash and everything.

Does it have to be right now?

Well, you're the one waving him over.

No, I was just waving back.

- Oh. - Ains.

You look lovely.

- Oh, you always say that. - Yeah, yeah.

I am truly honoured to be part of the conversation

re the path going forward

after your windfall.

Oh, and thank you so much for your lovely card.

Oh, well, you're more than welcome.

I meant every word. He was...

He was an intimidating man.

Now, you've been in real estate for... five years?

15.

So you would probably know that there's nothing safer.

I mean, it's literally a saying.

BOTH: as safe as houses.

And I was saying to Simmo, your options are endless.

Well, there's two.

You can either buy as an investor

or as an owner-occupier.

So I know that's a lot to take in.

Not really.

But you want your money working for you,

not just sitting there.

You want to working ASAP.

- End of sermon. - Aw.

- Thank you, Col. - That's alright.

If you want me to take you through the journey

I had with the Doyle family of abodes.

I'm more than happy.

- Oh, I... That's very generous. Thank you.

Just know that if you give me 4-5 hours of your time...

- Oh! - ..I would change your life.

Don't answer now.

(BOTH LAUGH)

- But just think about it. - Ah.

What brings you here today?

- Do you want to... - No. Ladies first.

Um...

Well, we've been married for just over 13 years.

14 years next month.

And I very recently cheated on Stuart, with another woman,

with whom we were both very close.

Is that affair ongoing?

No. Because I'm not gay.

It was a catastrophic failure for everyone concerned.

I'm assuming that includes you.

I'm not saying that I'm perfect,

but her affair did...

Look, I should probably declare that...

I mismanaged our finances for several years.

Yes.

And lied to me about it over several years.

To the point of bankrupting me.

But instead of telling me,

he fled the country

and left me to deal with the fallout alone.

But I did then work my ass off to make things right,

and then supported you financially through...

Well, you were paying me back with my money.

Because I wanted to do whatever it took...

There's still a lot of love between us.

Yes, there is.

And the sex is still great.

STUART: Honestly, it's a little hit-and-miss for me.

Are you holding your breath?

Right. Copy that.

Just hits you like a brick wall every time, doesn't it?

What is it? The height? The complexion?

Animal magneti...? OK, that's not good.

Yeah. What do you think they're saying there?

Oh... Heather's smiling.

That's not necessarily a bad thing.

- Oh, I'll just go for a sec... - Too late. She's on approach.

- OK, just... - I'm right behind you.

- What's wrong with you? - Hey, hey, big boy.

- Hey. - Sorry I'm late.

The fucking kid got conjunctivitis.

Oh, that's alright. Well, hey, here she is.

Um, Mel, this is my daughter, Mia.

Mia, this is Mel.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Are you graduating too? - Hell, no.

I left school at 15. Never looked back.

- (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) - Cheers.

Yeah, cheers.

- (GLASS CLINKS) - ED: Ah, thanks, everyone.

If I could get your attention?

I want to thank you all for coming to Heath's graduation.

- Heath, come here. - Yeah.

Um...

Congratulations.

I know there's nothing I can say that's not going to sound patronizing.

So if I can politely ask all of you to fuck off.

(LAUGHTER)

And if you can, join us for the official ceremony.

- (AINSLEY CHEERS) - Um, that's it.

- Thanks, everyone. Cheers. - (APPLAUSE)

That was a lot less painful than I thought it was going to be.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, sorry to interrupt.

I just thought I'd give you a little present.

Ah, let me guess.

- E-Bay gift card? - Yeah.

So I just wanted to let you know that I spoke to Timmy,

and he's had a bit of a morning,

so he's going to meet us there.

That marble in the...

What kind of morning?

He's had a run-in with some gummies.

Yeah. He...

Look, he wasn't feeling anything,

so he's dropped four in a row.

And let's just say they're coming on now.

But it's a rookie mistake. We've all been there.

I mean, what did we do to get you down

when you were off your face on hash cookies?

You didn't. I woke up in Darwin.

- Was it Darwin? - Yes, it was Dar...

OK. OK. So we know that he's on his way.

That's... That's a win.

I guess we'll just reassess when we get there. Yeah?

Can I get a lift with you?

- No. - Yes.

COUNSELLOR: Try not to look away.

What are you... seeing?

Um...

Just so much...

Pain.

Sadness.

And confusion.

Regret.

So much regret.

But even when we really hurt each other,

I think we've really just been hurting ourselves just as much.

I agree.

When I found out about the cheating, I was devastated.

You know, I...

I felt rejected, humiliated

and ugly.

Like I didn't even deserve love.

You do deserve love.

Thank you.

Simone made a pass at me.

Sim...

Bruce's wife?

Yes. She gave me a...

..performed fellatio on me

a few days before I got to Melbourne.

You are fucking kidding me.

COL: Have a beta blocker, Heath.

Just have half, to take the edge off.

- I don't want any. - (PHONE RINGS)

Mate, it's me.

He knows it's you.

No, we're on the ground.

I'm not sure how far we are away from the actual...

We're 2 minutes away.

OK. She's pretty wound up.

No, we're 2 minutes away.

I can't understand what you're saying.

You're not getting it.

OK.

OK. Got it. Hang tight. We're on our way.

He's in the accessible toilet.

I'll see you in there.

- You don't want me to... - Just go.

HEATHER: Anthony Timothy Doyle,

get on your feet right now.

I don't care how hard it is. Do you understand?

Gonna leave the door open.

It doesn't feel right, being in here,

'cause I'm not technically disabled.

Didn't stop you using Uncle Herb's parking permit.

Oh, OK. That was a gift.

And I've only ever used that twice.

OK, well, just leave the fucking door open then.

OK. It's open.

(GROANS)

OK. Alright. Hang on.

OK, just... Just, weight down.

I think you're hurting him!

I'm not hurting him.

OK, that's it.

Knock, knock! It's Sim. Simmo.

Kevin. Bennie's mate.

- No. Yeah. Come on in. - For fuck's sake, just walk in.

OK. Is he breathing?

Of course he's fucking breathing.

- Why are you here? - I brought the bounce-back bag.

Always keep it in the ute.

What's in it?

Maybe just lock the door?

OK, you've got your pseudos,

antihistamines,

couple of pingers, couple of jazz darts,

just a tiny bit of go-ey, adrenaline.

Where the hell did you get adrenaline?

I can't answer that, Heath, but I can tell you on my life,

it's as pure as the driven snow.

- (KNOCKING) - Agh!

- (STAMMERS) Occupied. - AINSLEY: It's just me.

I thought you should know that the official people

are clustering together.

I think it's about to start.

(GROANS)

- Help me get him up. - OK.

On three - two, one...

- Just one, two three is fine. - Go down. On one.

- And three. - Just...

Right.

A very warm welcome to our distinguished guests, staff,

families, friends and graduates

to our commencement ceremony.

In the words of Orrin Hatch,

there is a good reason

they call these ceremonies commencement exercises.

Graduation is not..

You probably don't remember that time

I almost had sex with that real estate agent?

Ah... Oh, the emojis fella

you didn't think was flirting with you? Yeah.

Yes, so, he's texting me again,

and I still can't tell if he's flirting.

(APPLAUSE)

I mean, mate, that's... that's flirting. All day long.

- Is it? - Yeah.

Well, he's sent you, what?

Seven text messages in 10 minutes.

He's probably already nude.

You want to fly something back for you?

- No, no, no. - You got to get back hard.

- I've got a couple of gifs... - No, no. He's a patient.

- So? - so he's in my care.

Yeah.

Well, let's just say it's frowned upon, ethically,

and morally.

Mm-hm.

Chiarella, William James.

OK, listen to me.

You wrote your year 12 English exam

off your face on mushrooms...

- PROFESSOR: Elizabeth... - ..and you got an A.

You can do this.

Doyle, Anthony Timothy.

(APPLAUSE)

Doyle, Anthony Timothy.

I love you so much.

I believe in you. Go on.

For a while there, I wasn't sure whether

Timmy would ever read or write.

Now look at him.

I'm his mum. Give it to me.

I'll give it to him when his motor function's back.

It's OK. Got it.

Just read the next name.

Doyle, Heather Marie.

(APPLAUSE)

Thank you.

OK. Up we get.

Whoo!

Dubois, Stephanie.

Let your man see.

- What is it? - Bourbon soda. Zero fat.

There you go, mate.

PROFESSOR: ½Fasil, Adara.

That wasn't too bad.

(PROFESSOR CONTINUES)

No, it wasn't. It was worse than I could possibly imagine.

I'm sorry.

You don't have to get back up there. OK?

(PROFESSOR CONTINUES CALLING NAMES)

Can I ask you a question?

You don't have to ask if you can ask a question.

Are you sleeping with my dad?

As often as I can, yeah.

(LAUGHS)

PROFESSOR: Laurence, Katherine Rosemary.

And a hearty congratulations to each and every one of you.

I would now like to introduce our final speakers for the day.

(WHISPERS) I can see time.

What's he saying?

He reckons he can see time.

- Walls hurt. - Join me in welcoming...

- The walls now hurt. - ..Heather and Timothy Doyle.

(APPLAUSE)

- Please don't leave. - I'm right here.

I'm right here. Look at me. Yeah?

Uh, my kid and I were meant to do this together.

But as some of you may have noticed,

he's... currently, um...

..indisposed.

In even worse news, he wrote the speech,

and he's too stoned to tell me where it is.

Which is a shame.

'Cause he's much smarter than me.

If it wasn't for him,

and our head of department, Ed Laurent...

..I would have dropped out in the first week.

Ed...

..you are, without question, the best teacher I've ever had.

And I'm not just saying that because I'm sleeping with you.

(GASPS)

I... I wish I had something profound to say.

But I don't.

You know, maybe... maybe that's the point of education...

..working out that no-one knows anything.

Yeah. I might just... Uh...

I'll... Yeah, I'll leave it there.

Thanks. Thank you. Thank you. Cheers.

- (APPLAUSE) - Yeah.

Well, let's continue with the formalities.

LIZ: You fucking crucified me.

STUART: I did not.

LIZ: You helped me out to dry.

You made me question every fibre of my being.

You were looking at me like I was some kind of degenerate.

And the whole time,

you're sitting on the fact that you fucked Simone!

I didn't fuck her. It was just... a blow job.

But that's all I basically got from Geri!

And before you ask, no, I didn't return the favour.

So can you tell me - what is the difference?

Well...

The fact that we both had history with Geri.

I have known Simone for 10 years.

OK, so we're even.

I'm done here.

Liz!

Liz, you can't just walk away.

You fucking did.

You took everything from me.

You took my home, my career, my reputation,

my... my self-belief.

And then, THEN, you came crawling back

and you threw my eggs in my face,

like some sort of fucking consolation prize,

like an afterthought.

And I still found it in my idiotic heart

to forgive you.

And a lot has happened since then.

And I believe we are much more on an equal footing now.

My asshole, we are.

(SCOFFS) What is that supposed to mean?

I don't... I don't want to help you heal.

Oh, so you... What?

No. You just don't get to end it like that.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(EXHALES)

How much of that did you hear?

Well, I'm not deaf.

OK, then.

I have nothing to say.

But I'll say just one thing.

He was not the one for you.

You didn't think to maybe... mention that earlier?

You were not ready to hear it.

Of course, it'll get harder for a time.

There will be many younger women.

His options will seem endless.

It is the way of things.

He was a noose around your skinny neck.

Now, you don't have to wait for him to leave you.

I... I actually just left him.

Whatever.

You are on the other side of the mountain.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Why can I smell grog?

'Cause you've been drinking.

Oi, how good was it to see Heath?

How funny is Timmy?

I know. It was pretty funny, eh?

And Heath's speech.

Yeah, I know. She's just... on the spot.

Mel's pretty cool.

Is she?

Does Mum know you have a girlfriend?

Mel? She's not... not my girlfriend.

Mmm... So you're just sleeping with her?

Yeah.

Oh, no. Hang on. I...

What? I don't give a shit.

It'll be a different story with Mum,

but I'm not going to tell her.

Yeah, but, mate, the thing is,

I don't mean it's just some sort of...

Because I don't... It's not...

- The thing with Mel and me is... (LAUGHS)

- What are you laughing at? - I don't care.

I mean, if I was sleeping with someone,

I wouldn't be telling you.

Wouldn't you?

It's all good, man. It's all good.

(WHISPERS) Shit.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah. Ah.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah.

Ciao.

Have a seat. Won't be long.

Thanks for coming in.

I was already in.

Into my office, obviously.

(SIGHS)

Look, these chats are never easy.

Do you know why I called this meeting?

Because I left the office on the office unattended.

You left the office unattended.

That was a rhetorical question.

Sorry.

It's a bit late for that, I'm afraid.

Your recent insubordination has reflected badly on all of us.

And as your direct superior...

I'm afraid I can't just turn a blind eye.

- I understand. - Don't interrupt, please.

As I was saying,

ordinarily this sort of...

reckless behaviour

would result in immediate dismissal.

- However... - I quit.

What?

I quit. Effective immediately.

Um...

Ha... Has this got something to do with your dad?

In a way, yeah.

But it's more about me and you...

- Me? - ..and me having the means

to stop putting up with your bullshit.

- Uh... - (DOOR OPENS)

You are a self-absorbed, tiny-minded,

superficial boor,

and you don't have the skin tone to wear half of your outfits.

And your dance moves are a disgrace.

(GASPS)

I...

I am not boring!

I swear on both my boys lives

that I will never intervene

in the natural order of your world.

- (LAUGHS) - (LAUGHS) Never again.

Just while we're on natural order...

I've given it a lot of thought...

And I'm not moving in.

- Thank you. - No worries.

Really?

Mmm. I'm actually a bit sick of you.

Just for the record,

I wasn't asking you to move in to look after me.

I didn't even like being mothered by my own mother.

Good to know.

And I've got a pretty good funeral plan.

It's already paid for, so no caretaking required, ever.

What if you have some horrible accident?

Put a bullet in my own head before I'd let you wipe my ass.

Gonna run a bath.

If you'd care to join me...?

Bit presumptuous.

What if I want different bath salts?

I'm open to suggestions.

Or I can just... run you a separate bath.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

You've got a choice of bathtubs?

Who lives like that?

(LAUGHS) I do.

It's actually quite offensive, when you think about it.

Well, I did think about it,

and I got a state-of-the-art recycling system.

So I'm practically off the grid.

I can run two baths, if I want to.

So...

you can go and get fucked.

I'm moving in.

ED: Key's in the bowl next to the front door.

HEATHER: That's a stupid place to leave keys.

ED: (LAUGHS) So move it.

Next time on Five Bedrooms...

It is my 40th.

Wouldn't be a birthday without a surprise landing.

FRIDGE: Benny!

ALL: (CHANT) Benny! Benny!

I think I figured out what I want to do with Dad's money.

I'm going to start a business.

I think they thought I was suggesting that

he and I go into business together.

Don't shit where you eat. First rule of business.

MEL: He wanted you to pick, so he's definitely into you..

Look, if you need somewhere to be, just come to mine.

She was asking me about this boy

who wants her to watch porn with him while they...

And Mel was on board with this?

She said they could use her house.

I was expecting you to screw around with me, not my kid.

Dude, I'm helping her.

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