Original subtitles

[trumpet plays]

[upbeat music plays]

- Ow.

[laughing] Stop.

Ow. Ow.

Ow! My body part!

[laughs] - Step right up.

Who's next for human piñata?

- Ooh, me, me, me, me! - I'm not a piñata!

I'm a Jeff!

- Shut up, Jeff!

- Ow! Ow!

Agh!

My pocket candy!

I worked really hard to steal that!

[groans] - My turn!

My turn, my turn, my turn.

- What are you doing here?

- I got a mariachi message

that kids were smacking the ñata in the gym,

so I threw on a teen disguise.

Now I'm ready for smashies.

- Why do all grown-ups think that kids wear

a sideways hat and a bone glove?

No kid looks like that.

- Hey, kid. You new?

Schwoz? I never would have known.

- [snickers]

♪ ♪

- Uh-- - Ow!

Ow! - Does Schwoz have a kid

that goes to this school?

- Yeah, sure. He does.

- Cool.

Hey, you know who would love this?

- My birth dad. - Captain Man.

- Right, also Captain Man.

- Uh--[chuckles]

He loves candy. He loves mariachi music.

He loves stagehands.

And he loves when Jeff feels pain.

- [crying] I'm Jeff, and I'm in pain!

- Let's call Cap! - Yeah.

- All right, sure. I'm on it.

- Hey, teen. Nice sideways hat.

- Oh, nice bone glove, fellow teen.

- I give up.

- Ow!

- Hey, get down here, dummy.

We got Jeff in pain,

a beatin' stick, pocket candy,

and the "Dale, Dale, Dale" song.

- Ugh, man, I would love to beat me some Jeff,

but I am on a date right now.

- Dude, you gotta stop calling it a date when we hang out.

- Well, we're grabbing lunch. What would you call it?

- Call it "grabbing lunch."

- Like I said, I'm on a date with Henry,

and I will be unreachable.

[tires squeal] [car honks]

- Did you just throw away your phone?

- I always like to keep a spare.

Mm! Guess I'm just built different.

- Ah, speaking of being built different,

I got a girlfriend, and she--

- Oh, dude! I got a girlfriend too!

- Oh, sick, sick, sick.

I kind of want to talk about mine though--

- You remember Lil' Dynomite?

- Okay, I guess we're talking about yours.

- You remember Lil' Dynomite?

- Little superhero, hates you?

- Well, he's bigger now, and he likes me.

Get this--I'm dating his mom.

- [chuckles] - Yeah, and I love her.

Oh, man, she's great.

We have such a great relationship

built on trust and honesty and integrity.

- Does she know you're Captain Man?

- Nah, I've been lying to her.

- Does Lil' Dynomite know you're Captain Man?

- Oh, yeah, he knows.

Man, we've been having such a good time

just keeping secrets and fighting crime.

- Cool, cool, cool, cool. Sounds like a TV show.

Anyway, I've been dating this girl.

- Credenza's pretty!

- I've been dating this girl!

And her name is Melanie,

and man, I'm really into her,

but get this-- her ex once bought her

a $9,000 handbag, so now I feel like

I gotta buy her a-- both: $10,000 handbag.

- Yes. - Yeah, dude,

same thing happened with Credenza.

- No. - I'm telling you.

I'm gonna have Schwoz break in the evidence locker

at the local precinct. [phone rings]

Just grab whatever he can find. - Hang on.

It's Melanie. - Who's Melanie?

- My girlfriend. - You got a girlfriend?

- Oh, my God. - That's awesome, dude.

[phone rings] Oh, hey, it's my doll calling.

She's probably like, "Where's my handbag, Ray?"

- Right? - You know what I'm saying?

- I do. - The ol' ball and chain,

right? [both chuckle]

both: Hey, babe.

- Hey, I just wanted to make sure

that you understand you don't have to buy me

a $10,000 handbag.

In fact, I'd prefer you didn't.

- You see, you say that,

but I think I know women,

and I don't believe you.

- No, Henry, I really mean it.

My love language isn't expensive gifts.

It's quality time.

So actually, if I were upset about anything,

which I'm not,

it'd be because you left town to work.

- Yeah, but the whole reason I work so hard

is so I can buy you things.

- I don't need you to buy me things.

I just need you.

I'm picking up on you loud and clear.

both: You'll have the bag by Friday.

Bye, babe. - Click.

- Sounds like you and me need to make a little scratch,

some cash, a little chedda' cheese.

- We do, indeed.

- Luckily, I happen to have-- [grunts]

two ski masks on me,

so if the gentleman will pull up to yon bank,

we shall make a "withdrawal."

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, tight, tight.

Let's call the bank robbery plan B though.

- B as in bank--smart.

- No, because the reason I'm in town

is I got a little freelance job lined up.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, yeah.

So, uh, you care to join me?

- I believe you know that I do, good sir.

- We'll knock out this job, get that bag,

and give that bag to our ladies.

- [snaps finger] No notes.

Man, I'm loving where this date is headed.

- It's not a date. - Ha ha.

You wanna get some ice cream?

- Well, yeah, I always wanna get ice cream.

- There's this great ice cream place by the beach.

We can watch the sunset together.

- Is there any other place we can get ice cream?

- It's a date!

[car honks] [tires squeal]

[heroic music]

- Stop it!

No, that's not candy!

That's my blood pressure medicine!

Give me back my Sklerdentra!

- Oh, thank you for saving me from that monster.

- Excuse me?

- Well, he was trying to steal mine ponytail.

I assumed that's why you thrashed him so.

- Nah, man, just thrashing to thrash.

- Yeah, it's Jeff, dude.

It's on sight.

- Why would Jeff want your ponytail?

- Yeah, was it made of candy

or blood pressure medicine?

- No, silly boy.

Mine pony is much more valuable

than candy or life-saving medicine.

- Uh, last one's pretty valuable.

- His name is Patrice.

[giggles] [smooches]

And my devious uncle

is trying to steal him for his own,

hence my current state of exile

from the majestic hills of Rivalton

to the plebeian flats of Smellview.

[cackles]

- [laughs sarcastically]

I wanna punch him.

- Mm, not yet.

I think little Lord Fauntleroy here's uncle

is Archduke Fernando.

[all spit]

- Impressive powers of deduction.

- Thanks. - Someday, I may

make you my queen. - Absolutely not.

Proceed thee with punching.

- Wait! I have money,

and a proposal.

- Ha, gonna be a no from me, dog.

- It's not a marriage proposal. It's a job offer.

- Yeah, we'll see.

- My uncle recently lost his ponytail for good.

Now he wants mine.

So if you can keep me and Patrice from his clutches,

I shall reward you for such engagement.

- See, "engagement"? Not interested.

- How much?

- Come on, ShoutOut, you can do better than him.

- Yeah, how much money are we talking?

- Don't settle. You're a prize.

- Hey, buddy.

How 'bout you take this lollipop on a walk?

- I like purples.

- So pay--how much?

- I've got two tickets to Paradise...

Nevada.

I leave in three days.

Keep me safe until then,

and I shall give you $50,000.

- You walk while we talk, yeah?

- Wh--hey!

- I'm in. - I do what she does.

- I don't bend the knee to the almighty dollar,

but for 50 grand? I can tell myself

I'm protecting the innocent or whatever.

- Mm... - [groans]

- Okay, I want money too,

but Henry's in town, so Ray is useless.

What if we have to fight crime?

- Well, we could ask Lil' Dynomite

to fight crime for us.

- Who said that?

- Me. [all scream]

- How did you know what we were talking about?

- Do you really care, or do you wanna move on

from that very valid question and get them fat stacks?

- I want the stacks. - I do what she does.

- Team Stacks!

- Mm... [all groan]

Oh, my God, I'm kidding!

Of course I want the stacks.

We got you, kid, three days.

We'll watch you in shifts. - Easy money.

- Don't be so cocky, my little doodle-doos.

Archduke Fernando... [all spit]

Will send more minions.

Why, I suspect he's hiring more moronic buffoons

as we speak.

- I'll pay you $10,000 for the ponytail,

$40,000 if you bring my nephew to me,

so that I may cut off Patrice myself.

- Hey, pal. I ain't 'nappin' no kid.

- Neither am I. - $50,000?

- Sold. - No notes.

♪ ♪

It all just kind of happened.

[overlapping chatter]

Get that?

- ♪ Danger ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ ♪

♪ Danger! One, two, three, Force! ♪

- We look amazing.

- You've been posing for hours.

[all shouting at once]

- That's right, keep walking, Schwoz.

Keep walking.

[heroic rock music]

- Almost there. Almost there.

- Hey, Ray, just leaving you a voicemail,

'cause...you're old.

We got a line on a little dough-ray-mee

for protecting Archduke Fernando's nephew,

Duke Wellington.

He's currently sucking

on what appears to be rock snot.

- Oh, fresh oysters,

goo of the gods!

[slurps]

- Anyway, I guess the archduke wants to steal his ponytail.

But I had the brilliant idea

of giving Lil' Dukey a special whistle to blow

if he's ever in danger. - [blows duck whistle]

Trash Boy, Come hither!

- But now he just blows it constantly

and calls me Trash Boy, so...

not my best idea.

Oh, of course.

[camera shutter clicking]

Anywhoodle, hope your date with Henry's going well.

Write back. Your pal,

Brainstorm.

[sighs] That was nice.

- [blowing duck whistle]

Trash Boy, do flush these down the toilet

so they may return to their pelagic winter wanderings.

- Okay.

- Five seconds to freedom! - Please, no.

all: Four, three... - I summon the goddess

of academia to open that door! all: Two, one--

No! - Yes!

[laughs giddily]

I mean... [chuckles]

Darn! Right?

Do we still say "darn"?

- [German accent] ♪ Yo, I'm Mr. Learning ♪

♪ And I'm here to say ♪

♪ You kids ain't getting no free day! ♪

♪ And this right here is Dr. Science ♪

- Dude, we nixed the rap. - [normally] Oh, what?

I didn't agree to that. - It was nixed. It was nixed.

- [German accent] Anywhoodle, I am Mr. Learning,

and this is Dr. Science,

and together, we are your co-substitute teachers!

- Dude, we nixed the pose. - [normally] OK, you know what?

I was told there'd be a pose and a rap--

- You know, I don't know where you're getting any of this.

- Well, what are we even here for then?

- We're supposed to get that kid and dip--

the ponytail kid. - Oh, yeah.

[German accent] Nap time!

Heads down, ponytails up!

- Nap time? We're teens.

- Yeah, I don't take naps.

I hand them out.

Let's go! - [chuckles]

- I've never heard of co-substitute teachers before.

- Oh, let me guess,

you are the "smart one"?

Ever so proud of your huge, pulsating brain.

I bet you are the one who says "yes,"

when you find you do not have day off school.

- No, I said "darn," and everybody loved it.

- Well, as a man who got his doctor degree in science

by writing a thesis called, "Teens Who Don't Nap...

Die"...

- Kid's still got it. - I say we all

turn off the lights, close our eyes,

and not pay attention to the sounds around you.

- [grunting]

Unhand me!

- Someone's trying to kidnap the archduke!

- Danger Force, help!

- Get in the sack, kid! - Dude, that's me.

- Well, I'm sorry.

[heroic music]

Ow!

- Okay--

- [screams]

- Oof! Ah!

- D'ah! - I got you, man.

Okay, you should be safe here.

- Shut up, dudes. We're chessing.

- Schwoz bet Tiny Ray he could beat him in chess.

It's not going well.

- I can't believe I'm down eight large to Tiny Ray.

- [high-pitched] My body's tiny,

but my brain is huge!

- If my chess instincts are right,

and they always are,

Schwoz has Tiny Ray right where he wants him.

- Checkmate! - Aye!

- [laughing]

- [grunts]

- Guess I'm just built different.

- Well, I'm sorry to say this, Mr. Jeff,

but I gotta go take you to jail.

- What? - Hold up.

How'd you get arrested twice in two days?

- Guess I'm just built different.

- Let's go.

- Uh, hey, for real,

does anyone have any blood pressure medication?

[heroic rock music]

[duck whistle blowing] [all grunting]

- I'm okay. - Wait a minute.

Give-- - [grunts]

- [shouts] Ray?

- Henry!

- Hey, how's it going? - What are you guys doing?

- Oh, relax!

We're just trying to kidnap a kid.

- What? - I mean, is that against

the law now? all: Yes!

- It's a crime? Oh, okay.

Look, we're just trying to get a little extra skrilla

so we can buy a cuppa purses.

- Handbags. - Handbags for our dolls.

- Girlfriends. - Duh, Mika.

- Oh, you don't get to "duh" me on that.

- Oh, yes, I duh. - Oh, no, you duh-n't.

[overlapping shouting]

- Hey!

You guys can't kidnap Duke Wellington.

- Uh, why not?

- Uh, 'cause he's paying us mad guap to protect him.

- And we're also getting money.

- Oh, looks like we're at a bit of an impasse here.

- Yeah, you see, Archduke Fernando...

[all spit]

Hired us to bring him back to Rivalton.

- Yeah, we're not about to let four little kids stop us.

- 'Cause we need to buy handbags.

- For our girlfriends.

[laughter]

Why is that funny? - I don't get what's so funny.

[laughter] - What's funny about that?

- What are we laughing at?

- We're laughing at two geezers

who think they can kidnap someone we're protecting.

- Oh, ha ha, that is funny.

- Okay, first of all, we are in our 20s.

- We? - Henry, please.

Second of all, we were doing this

before all y'all lil' kiddies even got your dumb powers.

- I've seen things.

Ya dig?

- And we will see who's laughing

when we get that kid and that fetti.

- [laughs] - I did that on purpose.

[overlapping chatter]

That's a thing we do! I do that to his face.

He loves it. It's his favorite. - Dude, stop! Dude, stop!

We're gonna get that kid.

- Yeah. - Okay?

- We gon' get that kid. - We gon' get that kid.

- We gon' get that kid. - We gon' get that kid.

- We gon' get that kid.

[both groan]

- What are we gonna do? We're never gonna get that kid.

- Yes, we are. Yes, we are.

I just need you to, uh--

you need to massage my head. - What?

- Just put your hand on my head and massage my head.

- I'm not gonna massage your-- - Just do it--trust me!

OK, we get the blood flowing.

The idea juices will start flowing.

- What are you talking about? Don't be weird, man.

- Hey, it's only weird if you make it weird.

Why are you making it weird? - You're making it weird.

- Oh, I'm making it weird? - You're making it weird.

- That's weird? - Yeah.

- You know what, dude? We are two superheroes

in our early 20s,

and if we can't get past four little kids,

you know what?

Maybe we don't even deserve purses.

- Handbags.

- Maybe we don't even deserve girlfriends.

[soft dramatic music]

Yeah.

Let's remember why we're doing this, okay?

Come on. You got a picture of your doll?

- I got it. - Well, shoot, man.

Let me see her.

- What? - Your girlfriend,

let me see her. - No, no, no, no, no.

I got an idea. I got an idea.

- Well, shoot, man. Let me hear it.

- Okay, okay, here we go.

All right, we need some chocolate milk.

- Mm-hmm. - Um, a mink coat.

- Yeah. - Couple of those straw

boater hats. - Oh, I gotta write this down.

- Oh, a Stankee candle. - Hold on.

I gotta write this down. - A turbine engine.

- Will you slow down?

- A voodoo doll. - Mm-hmm.

- The Goo Goo Dolls. - Yup.

- Extra virgin olive oil. - Mm-hmm, love it.

- Wait, wait. [buzzing]

Do you hear buzzing?

- I do hear something,

but I'm pretty sure

it's just the idea juices flowing, baby.

- Yeah, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

- Keep going, keep going. - Okay, okay, okay, uh, um,

how quickly can you learn the lyrics

to "Running Up That Hill" by Kate Bush?

- Mm, two, maybe three hours.

- Make it 1.5, this might just work.

- Tell me you don't miss this.

[laughs]

First things first--

I gotta make water.

- Yeah, good call. Those idea juices

went right through me. - I'm telling you.

[sneaky music]

This thing's stuck or something.

- Open the door, dude. - I'm trying.

- Just open it up. - I'm trying.

What do you think I'm doing? - I gotta pee,

so just open it up. - It's not my first door.

- Let me just--let me just-- - Not my first door.

- Let me try, dude. Just let me try.

- There's another door around here. Find it.

[knocking]

- Hey, old guys.

- Don't answer. Otherwise, it means we're old.

- Is that Chapa?

- I hope you like this van,

'cause I just welded all the doors shut.

See ya never, seniors.

- What, nah, nah. - Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

- Hey, hey, Chapa? - Chapa?

- Chapa, I gotta pee!

Chapa!

Ah, I will have my revenge!

Revenge will be mine!

- Need a ride back? - Yeah.

- Oh, I gotta pee! Chapa!

[heroic rock music]

[buzzing]

- Do you even know how to play chess?

- Nope, nobody does.

- Oh, hey, buddy. - Hey.

- Hey. - Oh, thanks so much, pal.

- Yeah, no problem. You guys still have to tinkle?

- No, not anymore. - No, I'm dry...

now.

- Okay.

Now, listen, uh-- [clears throat]

You both clearly need some help,

and I need money.

- Tiny Ray beat you in chess again, huh?

- [groans] I'm down big.

- Who's Tiny Ray?

- [sighs] Plus, my girlfriend's ex

bought her a $9,000 handbag--

- [sighs] - Been there.

- Currently there. Who is Tiny Ray though?

- Okay, listen. If I helps you

get Dukey Wellington from Danger Force,

will you guys give me a taste of that sweet,

sweet reward money?

- I don't see why not. - Shoot, yeah, brother.

[overlapping chatter]

- Okay, now, listen. I have a plan

I think you both will love. - Okay.

- Yeah. - Now, first thing--

eh, do either of you know the lyrics

to "Running Up that Hill" by Kate Bush?

[phones ding]

- Hold, please. - Hang on one second.

- "I just teleported you guys on top of a mountain.

Sincerely, Miles."

What could that mean?

- It's gotta be some kind of code.

- Yeah, definitely a code.

Schwoz, can you decode codes?

- Mm, yeah, let me just tinkle first.

[door slides open]

[screams]

[all scream]

♪ ♪

- "Good night, Knife.

"Good night, Plates.

Good night, Napkin."

- Do the voices.

- I don't do voices.

- Well, Patrice can't sleep unless you do the voices.

Now, be a napkin!

An Australian napkin.

- [sighs]

[Australian accent] I'm a napkin.

- No monsters under here, boss.

No sign of my birth dad either, but...

- Here's your warm milk.

- Here are your night oysters.

- Ooh! Calloo callay!

But first, I must make like a smart kid and whiz.

Which lucky Lucy shall protect me?

Potty time is when I'm at my most vulnerable.

- The Mets are having a great season.

- Get a new ceiling?

- The Warriors are doing even better.

- I'll do it.

- Ooh, d'ah!

Trash Boy eyeing a promotion, I see.

Very good.

- [Australian accent] I don't like Duke Wellington.

- You do voices now?

- A little bit. - Oh.

- Now, avert thine eyes while I christen the soil, peasant.

♪ ♪

- Aha! - What ho!

Ruffians!

- Nice job, buddy.

- Hey, little dude, what's this rag smell like?

- [inhales deeply]

Well, a note of lavender,

wet clay, and--

falling down.

- Yeah.

- It's more of an R sound. - "Noo"?

- Yeah, close, but more like "nar."

- R--"nar." - Nar? Oh, my God.

This is stupid. I know how to say "no."

I don't need to do it in an accent.

I know how to say "no." - No monsters under here, boss.

No sign of my birth dad either, but...

- Who are you?

- Bose? - Then who just took

the Dukey out to tinkle?

- Crikey.

- Okay, that face-swapping tech is pretty dope.

- Right? Ray made me invent it

so he could turn his face into Channing Tatum.

- What, no I didn't. Shut up, Schwoz.

Come on, let's go. Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

♪ ♪

- Oh, good. He's dead.

- What? No, he's just asleep.

- Oh...yes.

Uh, much better.

- Just give us our money, you freak.

- Yeah, man! Give us the money!

both: Hey, hey, hey, hey.

[overlapping chatter]

- Okay, don't embarrass us like that.

[overlapping chatter]

- D'ah! Mine heart.

[overlapping shouting]

Ah! Too much yelling!

[overlapping shouting]

- You're going down, old men!

- My royal ears! Reduce your volumes.

- Give him back!

- No!

- ♪ If I only could ♪

♪ I'd make a deal with God ♪

♪ And I'd get him to swap our places ♪

- That statue of you high-fiving yourself

doesn't even look like you!

- Oh, yeah? Well, neither does yours,

'cause you don't have one.

[overlapping shouting]

["Running Up That Hill" by Kate Bush playing]

♪ ♪

- Thank you.

- Hey!

- What the heck, man?

[overlapping shouting]

- I made the mistake of playing Tiny Ray in chess

for money.

all: Oh... - Who is Tiny Ray?

- I'm down ten large to that guy.

Also, I found out my girlfriend's ex bought her

a $9,000 handbag.

[overlapping agreement]

- You have a good day, man. - Go on, man.

It's all good, buddy. - See ya.

[overlapping goodbyes]

♪ ♪

[heroic rock music]

- Guess I'm just built different.

- Oh, that's Tiny Ray.

- Man, how are we gonna get those purses for our skirtses?

- You still got those ski masks, my guy?

- Aw, man, I'm not sure if I d--

[screams] [sighs]

both: Plan B?

♪ ♪

- Down the tube!

- ♪ Always on the scene in the nick of time ♪

♪ The second I see trouble I know I'll be fine ♪

♪ I'm okay ♪

♪ I'm okay! ♪

♪ Danger ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ ♪

♪ Danger! One, two, three, Force! ♪

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0