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1
00:00:07,042 --> 00:00:08,710
Good morning.
2
00:00:08,711 --> 00:00:10,311
Henry rejected you.
3
00:00:12,147 --> 00:00:15,016
Eliza, it's
Eliza. Henry rejected you.
4
00:00:15,017 --> 00:00:17,151
Reminder Henry rejected you.
5
00:00:19,088 --> 00:00:21,122
Henry had rejected me.
6
00:00:21,123 --> 00:00:22,257
It was true.
7
00:00:22,258 --> 00:00:24,158
And the worst part was,
8
00:00:24,159 --> 00:00:25,727
I still had to see him every day.
9
00:00:25,728 --> 00:00:28,563
So, I decided to employ the
techniques of Corynn McWatters,
10
00:00:28,564 --> 00:00:30,031
ambassador of bitchface.
11
00:00:30,032 --> 00:00:32,133
As the most popular girl in 7th grade,
12
00:00:32,134 --> 00:00:35,103
Corynn handled anyone
who threatened her status.
13
00:00:35,104 --> 00:00:36,404
So, instead of crying in the bathroom,
14
00:00:36,405 --> 00:00:38,139
I asked myself, "what would Corynn do?"
15
00:00:38,140 --> 00:00:41,142
Step one, pretend not to see
the individual in question.
16
00:00:47,982 --> 00:00:51,982
Step two, pretend not to hear
the individual in question.
17
00:00:51,983 --> 00:00:54,188
Ooh.
18
00:00:54,189 --> 00:00:55,590
Pardon me.
19
00:00:55,591 --> 00:00:57,325
What was that, Charlie?
20
00:00:57,326 --> 00:00:59,160
That was Henry who...
21
00:00:59,161 --> 00:01:01,095
Come again, Charlie?
22
00:01:01,096 --> 00:01:03,097
Um, I didn't... I didn't say anything.
23
00:01:03,098 --> 00:01:06,701
Oh, well. I must be
hearing things, Charlie.
24
00:01:08,570 --> 00:01:10,238
I think she's mad.
25
00:01:10,239 --> 00:01:12,540
You think?!
26
00:01:12,541 --> 00:01:14,375
And if steps one and two don't work,
27
00:01:14,376 --> 00:01:16,077
screw the junior-high-school tactics
28
00:01:16,078 --> 00:01:17,145
and "Gone Girl" his ass.
29
00:01:17,146 --> 00:01:20,014
Oh, he stabbed me! He stabbed me!
30
00:01:20,015 --> 00:01:21,449
Are you out of your mind?
31
00:01:21,450 --> 00:01:22,984
That's what he wants you to think.
32
00:01:22,985 --> 00:01:24,218
Joan, check my diary!
33
00:01:26,589 --> 00:01:28,756
Okay, how
long do you two fools
34
00:01:28,757 --> 00:01:30,224
plan on keeping this up?
35
00:01:30,225 --> 00:01:33,061
In the words of the
prepubescent new edition,
36
00:01:33,062 --> 00:01:35,730
cool it now, please!
37
00:01:35,731 --> 00:01:37,665
No matter what went down,
38
00:01:37,666 --> 00:01:40,101
I know the two of you
still care about each other.
39
00:01:46,107 --> 00:01:47,742
After you, Eliza.
40
00:01:50,277 --> 00:01:51,546
No, thanks! I'll walk!
41
00:01:52,548 --> 00:01:55,083
Oh, my God.
42
00:01:55,084 --> 00:01:56,551
She snubbed me!
43
00:01:56,552 --> 00:01:57,585
Did you see that?
44
00:01:57,586 --> 00:01:59,554
She totally snubbed me, did she not?!
45
00:01:59,555 --> 00:02:01,289
It was a snub
46
00:02:01,290 --> 00:02:03,458
because according to Corynn McWatters,
47
00:02:03,459 --> 00:02:05,293
whoever caves first gets cankles,
48
00:02:05,294 --> 00:02:07,462
and I am not getting
cankles because of Henry.
49
00:02:07,463 --> 00:02:10,999
I'm trying to be
mature about this, you know?
50
00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:12,467
I'm trying to foster communication.
51
00:02:12,468 --> 00:02:14,135
I'm trying to make the best
52
00:02:14,136 --> 00:02:15,737
of an admittedly awkward situation.
53
00:02:17,105 --> 00:02:21,542
Well, from now on, Eliza Dooley
can clean up her own messes.
54
00:02:29,217 --> 00:02:31,486
Are you aware
that the building manager
55
00:02:31,487 --> 00:02:35,223
was banging on your door
for 45 minutes this morning?
56
00:02:35,224 --> 00:02:38,459
He finally gave up and started
knocking on Bryn's door.
57
00:02:38,460 --> 00:02:40,061
It pretty much ruined
58
00:02:40,062 --> 00:02:41,462
her "Breakfast at
Tiffany's" themed breakfast.
59
00:02:41,463 --> 00:02:44,032
That she has been planning for nine years.
60
00:02:44,033 --> 00:02:47,635
- Nine.
- I did not chignon my hair for this.
61
00:02:47,636 --> 00:02:49,637
You guys, this is not fair.
62
00:02:49,638 --> 00:02:52,340
Mr. Old Man is always picking on me.
63
00:02:52,341 --> 00:02:55,176
Maybe it's because you
call him Mr. Old Man.
64
00:02:55,177 --> 00:02:56,511
When it's Mr. Oldman.
65
00:02:56,512 --> 00:02:59,080
Or maybe it's because
you're personally responsible
66
00:02:59,081 --> 00:03:01,049
for all of the building's plumbing issues.
67
00:03:01,050 --> 00:03:02,016
It wasn't untrue.
68
00:03:02,017 --> 00:03:03,351
When I go out drinking,
69
00:03:03,352 --> 00:03:05,353
I don't just flush money down the toilet.
70
00:03:05,354 --> 00:03:08,523
These are garbage!
71
00:03:08,524 --> 00:03:10,525
I also flush hosiery.
72
00:03:12,628 --> 00:03:14,696
And cheeseburgers.
73
00:03:17,132 --> 00:03:20,501
Oldman wants an increase
on your security deposit.
74
00:03:20,502 --> 00:03:23,271
- Wha...?
- Not just for the ongoing plumbing issues,
75
00:03:23,272 --> 00:03:25,039
but also for what you did to your walls.
76
00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:27,041
Uh, is that us?!
77
00:03:29,044 --> 00:03:30,378
That was there when I moved in.
78
00:03:30,379 --> 00:03:32,747
He wants to be reimbursed for the damages.
79
00:03:32,748 --> 00:03:34,415
And your rent is due.
80
00:03:34,416 --> 00:03:36,250
And that drawing of my bangs is hurtful.
81
00:03:36,251 --> 00:03:37,385
Whoa!
82
00:03:37,386 --> 00:03:39,754
Whoa, that is a lot to take in all at once.
83
00:03:39,755 --> 00:03:43,057
Maybe it wouldn't be all at
once if you handled your bidness.
84
00:03:43,058 --> 00:03:44,392
Um...
85
00:03:44,393 --> 00:03:46,728
I handle my bidness.
86
00:03:46,729 --> 00:03:50,431
It's just that Mr. Old
Man is super uptight.
87
00:03:52,033 --> 00:03:54,394
And the electric company
is super uptight, too.
88
00:03:54,395 --> 00:03:59,394
Sync and corrections by: kDragon
www.Addic7ed.com
89
00:04:07,365 --> 00:04:12,274
Selfie S01E11
90
00:04:13,688 --> 00:04:16,357
Baby... baby headaches, be gone.
91
00:04:16,358 --> 00:04:18,359
Baby headaches, leave.
92
00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:21,996
- Baby headaches, be... Bes... Befell...
- Sir?
93
00:04:21,997 --> 00:04:23,464
Charlie, knock, please.
94
00:04:23,465 --> 00:04:24,999
Were you raised in a barn?
95
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:26,667
Yes.
96
00:04:26,668 --> 00:04:28,603
- What?
- Yes, I was.
97
00:04:28,604 --> 00:04:32,306
Well, not in a barn, but near a barn.
98
00:04:32,307 --> 00:04:33,307
On a farm.
99
00:04:33,308 --> 00:04:37,712
We grew wheat and also... hops.
100
00:04:39,580 --> 00:04:41,749
Just knock. What do you want?
101
00:04:41,750 --> 00:04:44,352
Uh, saperstein's ready for
your annual performance review.
102
00:04:44,353 --> 00:04:46,354
Yes!
103
00:04:46,355 --> 00:04:48,122
Whoo! Let's do this.
104
00:04:48,123 --> 00:04:49,290
Good luck, sir.
105
00:04:49,291 --> 00:04:51,459
No luck involved, Chuck.
106
00:04:51,460 --> 00:04:55,296
I've received the highest
review score five years running,
107
00:04:55,297 --> 00:04:57,632
never less than a 98%.
108
00:04:57,633 --> 00:04:59,967
Just call me "Henry Potter. "
109
00:04:59,968 --> 00:05:01,302
Why?
110
00:05:01,303 --> 00:05:05,302
Because I make magic
like a workplace wizard.
111
00:05:08,009 --> 00:05:10,645
Actually, don't call me "Henry Potter. "
112
00:05:10,646 --> 00:05:13,014
Hindsight, I really feel like
I would very much dislike it
113
00:05:13,015 --> 00:05:16,751
if people actually started calling me that.
114
00:05:16,752 --> 00:05:19,120
89%?
115
00:05:19,121 --> 00:05:20,588
That can't be right. That's a "B".
116
00:05:20,589 --> 00:05:22,757
That's a... that's a "B".
117
00:05:22,758 --> 00:05:24,058
What am I, hufflepuff?
118
00:05:24,059 --> 00:05:26,661
Don't get hysterical. It's a high "B".
119
00:05:26,662 --> 00:05:28,162
In some state schools,
120
00:05:28,163 --> 00:05:30,198
that might even be considered a B-Plus.
121
00:05:30,199 --> 00:05:33,067
I've never gotten less than
an "A" in my entire life.
122
00:05:33,068 --> 00:05:34,535
Yeah. Yeah.
123
00:05:34,536 --> 00:05:36,537
"A", "B",
124
00:05:36,538 --> 00:05:38,973
"C", "W"...
125
00:05:38,974 --> 00:05:40,575
- "X".
- Sir?
126
00:05:40,576 --> 00:05:42,710
They're just letters, Henry.
127
00:05:42,711 --> 00:05:44,145
And if I were you,
128
00:05:44,146 --> 00:05:46,280
I'd be more concerned about
the negative peer evaluations
129
00:05:46,281 --> 00:05:48,549
that dragged down your
score in the first place.
130
00:05:48,550 --> 00:05:52,019
Negative peer evaluati...
131
00:05:52,020 --> 00:05:55,723
Uh, sir, would you mind
if I took this file home
132
00:05:55,724 --> 00:05:56,991
to review the comments?
133
00:05:56,992 --> 00:06:00,061
I'm sure I can learn
a lot from my... peers.
134
00:06:03,264 --> 00:06:04,765
Charmonique.
135
00:06:04,766 --> 00:06:06,467
It's me, Eliza.
136
00:06:06,468 --> 00:06:08,402
I'm wearing a trucker hat.
137
00:06:08,403 --> 00:06:10,071
I can see that.
138
00:06:10,072 --> 00:06:11,539
Do you have a key to the executive gym?
139
00:06:11,540 --> 00:06:14,242
I had to vacate my premises
unexpectedly this morning.
140
00:06:14,243 --> 00:06:15,376
Vacate your premises?
141
00:06:15,377 --> 00:06:17,078
Mm-hmm. Listen.
142
00:06:17,079 --> 00:06:18,579
My electric's off and my rent's due,
143
00:06:18,580 --> 00:06:20,214
along with an unforeseen security deposit
144
00:06:20,215 --> 00:06:22,450
and a "probably should have
foreseen" plumbing bill.
145
00:06:22,451 --> 00:06:24,719
I know you've been
there, #teamCharmonique.
146
00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:27,054
Oh! don't drag team Charmonique into this.
147
00:06:27,055 --> 00:06:28,389
Team Charmonique pays her bills on time.
148
00:06:28,390 --> 00:06:30,558
Therefore, team Charmonique
149
00:06:30,559 --> 00:06:32,693
does not wish to be associated
with some broke-ass...
150
00:06:32,694 --> 00:06:34,695
Hey, I'm not broke. I am not broke.
151
00:06:34,696 --> 00:06:36,731
I just find certain things stressful,
152
00:06:36,732 --> 00:06:38,566
like, bills, invoices, payments,
153
00:06:38,567 --> 00:06:40,701
debits, deposits, withdraws, transfers,
154
00:06:40,702 --> 00:06:43,070
checks, money orders,
money market, savings,
155
00:06:43,071 --> 00:06:45,373
interest, account numbers,
pin numbers, and prime numbers?
156
00:06:45,374 --> 00:06:47,541
Maybe? What are those, again?
157
00:06:47,542 --> 00:06:49,010
Numbers greater than 1
158
00:06:49,011 --> 00:06:51,279
that are divisible only
by themselves and 1.
159
00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:53,147
#TeamCharmonique.
160
00:06:53,148 --> 00:06:55,750
Those are fine, but the rest of
that stuff freaks me the freak out.
161
00:06:55,751 --> 00:06:57,585
You know what doesn't seem
to freak you the freak out?
162
00:06:57,586 --> 00:06:58,753
Spending money,
163
00:06:58,754 --> 00:07:01,489
- 'cause those boots look brand-new.
- Oh.
164
00:07:01,490 --> 00:07:03,024
They are.
165
00:07:03,025 --> 00:07:04,125
You are not wrong.
166
00:07:04,126 --> 00:07:07,128
I really do like spending money,
167
00:07:07,129 --> 00:07:09,063
but now my credit cards are maxed,
168
00:07:09,064 --> 00:07:10,464
I've got not cash, and, plus...
169
00:07:10,465 --> 00:07:11,999
I'm homeless.
170
00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:13,401
Mm.
171
00:07:13,402 --> 00:07:15,102
You know whose help you need?
172
00:07:15,103 --> 00:07:18,005
Don't say Steve Harvey.
Please, don't say Steve Harvey.
173
00:07:18,006 --> 00:07:19,473
What? Girl, no!
174
00:07:19,474 --> 00:07:21,342
I'm talking about your boy Henry Potter.
175
00:07:21,343 --> 00:07:23,044
Are people calling him that now?
176
00:07:23,045 --> 00:07:24,679
Spread like wildfire this very morning.
177
00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:26,013
See?
178
00:07:26,014 --> 00:07:28,015
I didn't even know that because
Henry's not my boy anymore.
179
00:07:28,016 --> 00:07:29,517
Things got weird between us,
180
00:07:29,518 --> 00:07:32,653
and so my only recourse is to
ignore him until one of us dies.
181
00:07:32,654 --> 00:07:35,156
Or you could try being a grown woman.
182
00:07:35,157 --> 00:07:36,457
I am a grown woman!
183
00:07:36,458 --> 00:07:39,327
Then go wash your ass and talk to Henry.
184
00:07:39,328 --> 00:07:43,664
#HygieneFirst, #TeamCharmonique.
185
00:07:43,665 --> 00:07:46,968
Look at this. "A born leader. "
186
00:07:48,536 --> 00:07:50,204
"The consummate professional. "
187
00:07:52,073 --> 00:07:54,342
"Stone-cold stud. "
188
00:07:54,343 --> 00:07:56,010
I'm guessing this one is Larry.
189
00:07:56,011 --> 00:07:57,144
Where is it? Come on.
190
00:07:57,145 --> 00:08:00,114
Ah! Aha!
191
00:08:00,115 --> 00:08:02,516
I knew it. I knew.
192
00:08:03,384 --> 00:08:06,220
It's not my peers who
brought down my average.
193
00:08:06,221 --> 00:08:08,055
It's my peer.
194
00:08:08,056 --> 00:08:11,092
One anonymous peer,
195
00:08:11,093 --> 00:08:14,729
one bitter, "hell hath no
fury like a woman scorned" peer
196
00:08:14,730 --> 00:08:16,998
who gave me an "F" and
called me a bit of a poop.
197
00:08:16,999 --> 00:08:18,366
Who, I ask,
198
00:08:18,367 --> 00:08:21,669
do you suppose would resort
to something so infantine?
199
00:08:21,670 --> 00:08:23,504
I have no idea.
200
00:08:23,505 --> 00:08:25,973
Well, I do.
201
00:08:31,445 --> 00:08:33,447
This stinks of Eliza.
202
00:08:38,602 --> 00:08:41,052
I couldn't go to Henry,
203
00:08:41,053 --> 00:08:42,387
who was convinced I tanked his peer review,
204
00:08:42,388 --> 00:08:43,988
and I couldn't go home, so,
that left me no other choice
205
00:08:43,989 --> 00:08:45,456
than to check into a five-star hotel.
206
00:08:45,457 --> 00:08:48,092
Oh. Declined. Have another?
207
00:08:48,093 --> 00:08:49,394
Okay.
208
00:08:49,395 --> 00:08:51,729
Why don't we try, uh, $10 on a green visa,
209
00:08:51,730 --> 00:08:55,733
$15 on the blue visa, maybe
5 bucks on the mastercard.
210
00:08:55,734 --> 00:08:57,035
Hold on.
211
00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:59,170
Ma'am, you didn't mention
212
00:08:59,171 --> 00:09:02,340
- that you're a double dollar rewards member.
- I am?
213
00:09:02,341 --> 00:09:04,003
You have more rewards points
than anyone I've ever seen.
214
00:09:04,004 --> 00:09:05,323
I do?
215
00:09:05,324 --> 00:09:07,178
You could book the presidential
suite with all these points.
216
00:09:07,179 --> 00:09:08,513
Then I will.
217
00:09:08,514 --> 00:09:12,116
Look at me, the first
female president-ial suite.
218
00:09:16,988 --> 00:09:19,090
Whoo! Whoo! Yeah!
219
00:09:19,091 --> 00:09:21,092
Yeah! Baby! Champagne!
220
00:09:28,634 --> 00:09:31,736
After hard-core stressing
out over money I didn't have,
221
00:09:31,737 --> 00:09:33,504
it was time to blow off some steam
222
00:09:33,505 --> 00:09:35,106
using money I didn't have.
223
00:09:35,107 --> 00:09:36,274
Cheers.
224
00:09:36,275 --> 00:09:37,608
Cheers.
225
00:09:39,478 --> 00:09:42,146
Shit.
226
00:09:42,147 --> 00:09:44,515
Oh, see? Now, this is
why I don't look at mail.
227
00:09:45,683 --> 00:09:47,051
So much for hotel living.
228
00:09:47,052 --> 00:09:48,252
Much like Lindsay Lohan
229
00:09:48,253 --> 00:09:50,588
when she finally got kicked
out of Ch�teau Marmont,
230
00:09:50,589 --> 00:09:53,257
it was time for me to make
a terrible Liz Taylor biopic
231
00:09:53,258 --> 00:09:55,093
or find some other, less embarrassing way
232
00:09:55,094 --> 00:09:57,095
to raise some cash for Mr. Old Man.
233
00:09:57,096 --> 00:09:59,597
For just $75 cash,
234
00:09:59,598 --> 00:10:02,166
this lightly used Sephora
gift card can be yours.
235
00:10:02,167 --> 00:10:04,402
That's a $50 gift card.
236
00:10:04,403 --> 00:10:06,104
Yes, but I had to factor in labor.
237
00:10:06,105 --> 00:10:08,272
It took me an hour to scrape
this off my car's upholstery
238
00:10:08,273 --> 00:10:11,309
thanks to the pumpkin-spice
latte I spilled on the seat.
239
00:10:11,310 --> 00:10:12,643
Ew! Those have been out of
season for like three months.
240
00:10:12,644 --> 00:10:15,146
How about any of these? DSW?
241
00:10:15,147 --> 00:10:16,447
- Amazon?
- Mnh-mnh.
242
00:10:16,448 --> 00:10:19,050
- Chili's? AMC theaters?
- Mm.
243
00:10:19,051 --> 00:10:21,519
Two pinkberrys away
from getting a free pinkberry...
244
00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:23,588
- At Participating Stores?
- No!
245
00:10:23,589 --> 00:10:25,423
Look, if you're trying to get
some action on these cards,
246
00:10:25,424 --> 00:10:27,758
you need to offer a discount.
247
00:10:27,759 --> 00:10:30,027
I'll give you 30 bucks
for that $50 Chili's.
248
00:10:30,028 --> 00:10:31,195
Done.
249
00:10:31,196 --> 00:10:33,264
Yes!
250
00:10:34,999 --> 00:10:37,135
What up, sexies?
251
00:10:37,136 --> 00:10:38,336
Hi.
252
00:10:38,337 --> 00:10:40,037
How would you two sexy sexies
253
00:10:40,038 --> 00:10:42,673
like to buy a Talbots gift
card for half its value?
254
00:10:43,641 --> 00:10:45,443
I gave you that Talbots gift card
255
00:10:45,444 --> 00:10:47,445
as a secret Santa gift last Christmas.
256
00:10:49,148 --> 00:10:50,715
Spoiler alert. Linda?
257
00:10:50,716 --> 00:10:52,550
- Mnh-mnh. No.
- No?
258
00:10:52,551 --> 00:10:55,186
Well, then, uh, d...
does anyone want to buy
259
00:10:55,187 --> 00:10:59,524
a hot... new, still-in-style trucker hat?
260
00:11:02,059 --> 00:11:03,261
No? Fine.
261
00:11:03,262 --> 00:11:06,097
Well, um, swing by my desk later.
262
00:11:06,098 --> 00:11:09,400
I'm having a bake sale. Whoa. Bake sale.
263
00:11:09,401 --> 00:11:13,538
Bake sale? Is that a euphemism?
264
00:11:13,539 --> 00:11:15,473
I'm not sure.
265
00:11:15,474 --> 00:11:18,042
Raj, I just need you to confirm.
266
00:11:18,043 --> 00:11:20,144
It was Eliza Dooley who
wrote that remark about me,
267
00:11:20,145 --> 00:11:21,145
was it not?
268
00:11:21,146 --> 00:11:24,282
Henry, I'm sorry. I would like to help you.
269
00:11:24,283 --> 00:11:26,317
But the evaluation must remain anonymous.
270
00:11:26,318 --> 00:11:28,152
Come on, Raj.
271
00:11:28,153 --> 00:11:31,355
It's just you and me
here. You're a smart man.
272
00:11:31,356 --> 00:11:32,757
I know you'll do the right thing.
273
00:11:32,758 --> 00:11:36,127
Henry, I believe you're
trying to intimidate me.
274
00:11:36,128 --> 00:11:38,062
I would report you to H.R.
275
00:11:38,063 --> 00:11:40,731
But unfortunately, in
this case, that is me.
276
00:11:40,732 --> 00:11:42,400
Raj...
277
00:11:42,401 --> 00:11:45,036
If it was Eliza, you just say it's Eliza.
278
00:11:50,242 --> 00:11:52,243
You are very persuasive,
279
00:11:52,244 --> 00:11:55,246
but I cannot break the tenets
of the human-resources oath.
280
00:11:55,247 --> 00:11:57,515
There's a human-resources oath?
281
00:11:57,516 --> 00:12:01,052
On my honor, as a human-resources officer,
282
00:12:01,053 --> 00:12:04,255
do I promise to provide an
equal-opportunity workplace,
283
00:12:04,256 --> 00:12:06,390
free of discrimination, harassment,
284
00:12:06,391 --> 00:12:07,491
and the divulgement
285
00:12:07,492 --> 00:12:09,327
of confidential personal information.
286
00:12:09,328 --> 00:12:10,995
If I should breaketh such laws,
287
00:12:10,996 --> 00:12:13,564
may my lips wither and turn to dust.
288
00:12:13,565 --> 00:12:16,968
Well, it sounds like
there's some wiggle room.
289
00:12:16,969 --> 00:12:18,102
Never mind.
290
00:12:19,104 --> 00:12:20,471
'Twasn't her.
291
00:12:23,140 --> 00:12:24,108
What was that?
292
00:12:24,109 --> 00:12:28,179
'Twas not Eliza.
293
00:12:29,247 --> 00:12:31,115
Damn it.
294
00:12:33,551 --> 00:12:35,052
Eliza?
295
00:12:35,053 --> 00:12:36,454
Hmm? What are you doing in my office?
296
00:12:36,455 --> 00:12:38,155
Are you wearing pajamas?
297
00:12:38,156 --> 00:12:39,257
Are you drinking peaches?
298
00:12:40,424 --> 00:12:42,560
- Are you living here now?
- No!
299
00:12:42,561 --> 00:12:44,061
I'm not.
300
00:12:44,062 --> 00:12:46,030
These aren't pajamas. This is lounge wear.
301
00:12:46,031 --> 00:12:47,164
I'm lounging...
302
00:12:48,466 --> 00:12:49,767
before I head off to the lounge,
303
00:12:49,768 --> 00:12:53,767
which is a new club/lounge
where everyone, like...
304
00:12:53,768 --> 00:12:55,673
Brings their own canned goods.
305
00:12:57,074 --> 00:12:59,610
Okay, I live here now.
306
00:13:05,148 --> 00:13:07,150
This bill is in collections.
307
00:13:07,151 --> 00:13:08,118
Sorry.
308
00:13:08,119 --> 00:13:09,452
It's for $20.
309
00:13:09,453 --> 00:13:10,453
Oh!
310
00:13:10,454 --> 00:13:13,189
- I have $20. I have that.
- Look, Eliza,
311
00:13:13,190 --> 00:13:15,292
the late fees are triple the
original cost of the bill.
312
00:13:15,293 --> 00:13:16,359
You sullied your credit
313
00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:17,994
not because you didn't have the money...
314
00:13:17,995 --> 00:13:19,229
But because I didn't open my mail.
315
00:13:19,230 --> 00:13:21,064
Right.
316
00:13:21,065 --> 00:13:23,400
Your grandmother wishes
you a Merry Christmas,
317
00:13:23,401 --> 00:13:26,069
- with $20 inside.
- Hmm.
318
00:13:26,070 --> 00:13:27,203
Too little, too late, grandma.
319
00:13:27,204 --> 00:13:28,505
Okay.
320
00:13:28,506 --> 00:13:30,340
We're gonna have to set
you up with a proper budget.
321
00:13:30,341 --> 00:13:32,242
Where would you say the
bulk of your income goes?
322
00:13:32,243 --> 00:13:35,078
Just, like...
323
00:13:35,079 --> 00:13:38,682
Uh, Zappos, Amazon, Gilt...
324
00:13:38,683 --> 00:13:41,151
- All right...
- Net-a-Porter, StyleBop, ShopBop...
325
00:13:41,152 --> 00:13:43,653
- Eliza...
- Piperlime, fab. com, justfab. com...
326
00:13:43,654 --> 00:13:45,655
- Good God...
- Sephora, BlueFly,
327
00:13:45,656 --> 00:13:47,557
as well as cupping,
leeching, elbow bleaching,
328
00:13:47,558 --> 00:13:49,626
and that procedure where
little fish eat dead skin
329
00:13:49,627 --> 00:13:51,294
from all over my body.
330
00:13:51,295 --> 00:13:52,729
What am I gonna do with you?
331
00:13:52,730 --> 00:13:55,065
You're not mad at me anymore.
332
00:13:55,066 --> 00:13:57,233
I would say I'm... I'm, um...
333
00:13:57,234 --> 00:13:59,202
- I'm disappointed.
- Yes,
334
00:13:59,203 --> 00:14:01,371
but in the normal way that
you're always disappointed.
335
00:14:01,372 --> 00:14:03,106
I can tell you're not mad at me anymore.
336
00:14:03,107 --> 00:14:04,974
Oh, I know you didn't write that review,
337
00:14:04,975 --> 00:14:08,078
and I'm sorry for assuming
it was you because...
338
00:14:09,512 --> 00:14:10,980
because we, uh...
339
00:14:12,148 --> 00:14:14,517
Because I...
340
00:14:14,518 --> 00:14:17,020
Apology accepted.
341
00:14:18,621 --> 00:14:20,623
Right, so we will deal with
342
00:14:20,624 --> 00:14:23,560
your building manager and your
lack of electricity tomorrow.
343
00:14:23,561 --> 00:14:25,395
- Mm-hmm.
- Uh for tonight, you can stay at my place.
344
00:14:25,396 --> 00:14:28,298
Your place?
345
00:14:30,847 --> 00:14:32,816
I'll s... be staying at Julia's.
346
00:14:32,817 --> 00:14:35,318
Of course. That's great.
347
00:14:35,319 --> 00:14:38,321
I get your place all to myself.
348
00:14:38,322 --> 00:14:39,722
Which means I can just walk around naked
349
00:14:39,723 --> 00:14:41,658
and put my butt on every single
piece of furniture you own.
350
00:14:42,660 --> 00:14:44,294
J.K.
351
00:14:44,295 --> 00:14:46,796
I won't put my butt on all
your stuff. Don't worry.
352
00:14:46,797 --> 00:14:48,164
That's very kind of you.
353
00:14:48,165 --> 00:14:49,666
You're a real class act.
354
00:14:49,667 --> 00:14:51,734
I'm sure you'll be quite comfortable.
355
00:14:53,503 --> 00:14:56,339
I'm sure you'll be quite comfortable.
356
00:15:00,711 --> 00:15:03,246
All
right. Thank you very much.
357
00:15:23,133 --> 00:15:24,200
Hi.
358
00:15:24,201 --> 00:15:25,535
Stop snooping through my things.
359
00:15:28,605 --> 00:15:31,741
Okay. Sorry.
360
00:15:31,742 --> 00:15:33,726
Do you have hidden cameras
in here or something?
361
00:15:33,727 --> 00:15:36,379
Stop waving. There are no
hidden cameras. I just know you.
362
00:15:36,380 --> 00:15:38,281
Turndown service?
363
00:15:38,282 --> 00:15:40,450
Uh, no, thank you.
364
00:15:40,451 --> 00:15:43,052
Who was that?
365
00:15:43,053 --> 00:15:46,055
That was Julia...
366
00:15:46,056 --> 00:15:48,324
pretending to be a hotel maid...
367
00:15:48,325 --> 00:15:49,392
Huh.
368
00:15:49,393 --> 00:15:50,827
Asking if I wanted turndown service.
369
00:15:50,828 --> 00:15:53,663
Um...
370
00:15:53,664 --> 00:15:55,832
She's into role-playing...
371
00:15:55,833 --> 00:15:57,267
kind of a super freak.
372
00:15:57,268 --> 00:15:59,202
Anyhoo, time to start having sex.
373
00:16:04,107 --> 00:16:06,442
Sounds good.
374
00:16:06,443 --> 00:16:08,144
I'll see you at work tomorrow.
375
00:16:09,113 --> 00:16:11,648
Whoo!
376
00:16:13,516 --> 00:16:15,685
Huh? What? Are you doing here?
377
00:16:15,686 --> 00:16:17,820
I could ask you the same thing.
378
00:16:17,821 --> 00:16:19,689
I don't know why I'm surprised.
379
00:16:19,690 --> 00:16:21,190
I should have known Henry would move on
380
00:16:21,191 --> 00:16:22,725
to your coltish, titian-haired delights.
381
00:16:22,726 --> 00:16:24,260
- What?
- Here.
382
00:16:24,261 --> 00:16:26,596
Please see that he gets his waterpik.
383
00:16:26,597 --> 00:16:28,765
I wouldn't want Henry's gums to be any...
384
00:16:30,233 --> 00:16:31,234
less tight.
385
00:16:44,847 --> 00:16:47,317
Ahh.
Whoa!
386
00:16:47,318 --> 00:16:48,318
Ahh.
387
00:16:48,319 --> 00:16:50,820
Wow! My bills are so beautiful!
388
00:16:50,821 --> 00:16:54,157
It's like an office-supply
store meets a magical rainbow.
389
00:16:54,158 --> 00:16:56,125
Nothing magical here.
It's just office supplies.
390
00:16:56,126 --> 00:16:57,627
But what about this...
391
00:16:57,628 --> 00:17:00,697
Sparkling bag of treasure?
392
00:17:00,698 --> 00:17:03,166
These are brads.
393
00:17:03,167 --> 00:17:05,201
Now, I've spoken to Mr. Old Man,
394
00:17:05,202 --> 00:17:07,370
who incidentally is 43 years of age,
395
00:17:07,371 --> 00:17:10,707
and he has agreed to a
monthly-installment plan
396
00:17:10,708 --> 00:17:13,376
that is far less than what you
spend on eye-makeup remover.
397
00:17:13,377 --> 00:17:16,746
Also, you spent too much
on eye-makeup remover.
398
00:17:18,382 --> 00:17:21,451
Thank you, Henry.
399
00:17:22,552 --> 00:17:25,521
I guess you really
know what a mess I am now.
400
00:17:25,522 --> 00:17:28,057
Nah, you're just in your 20s.
401
00:17:28,058 --> 00:17:29,325
It wasn't that long ago that I was
402
00:17:29,326 --> 00:17:31,828
- subject to my own fiscal foibles.
- Really?
403
00:17:31,829 --> 00:17:33,162
Let's just say there's a blockbuster
404
00:17:33,163 --> 00:17:34,664
in Ann Arbor, Michigan,
that is still wondering
405
00:17:34,665 --> 00:17:37,266
what happened to their
only copy of "Scream 2."
406
00:17:39,203 --> 00:17:42,071
Well, uh, thank you.
407
00:17:42,072 --> 00:17:42,839
Thank you.
408
00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:45,708
This means...
409
00:17:45,709 --> 00:17:47,377
A lot.
410
00:17:47,378 --> 00:17:49,712
You're most welcome.
411
00:17:49,713 --> 00:17:51,681
Spread the word around
the office, would you?
412
00:17:51,682 --> 00:17:53,783
I'm not really a bit of a poop, after all.
413
00:17:55,119 --> 00:17:57,520
"Bit of a poop. "
That's what Charlie calls you.
414
00:17:57,521 --> 00:17:59,188
He does?
415
00:17:59,189 --> 00:18:02,825
Well, yeah, but not a full poop,
416
00:18:02,826 --> 00:18:04,661
just, like, a bit of a poop.
417
00:18:06,396 --> 00:18:09,098
That piece of shit.
418
00:18:10,566 --> 00:18:13,403
Isn't it pretty?
419
00:18:13,404 --> 00:18:16,239
And Mr. Middle-Aged man is on
automatic debit thanks to Henry,
420
00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:18,207
so I won't forget to pay
and be homeless again.
421
00:18:18,208 --> 00:18:19,842
Hey, homeless Eliza was hot.
422
00:18:21,512 --> 00:18:23,680
Mm.
423
00:18:23,681 --> 00:18:25,114
Um...
424
00:18:26,516 --> 00:18:29,285
why didn't you offer
to let me stay with you?
425
00:18:29,286 --> 00:18:30,586
What?
426
00:18:30,587 --> 00:18:31,688
When I was homeless
427
00:18:31,689 --> 00:18:33,790
and staying at the presidential suite,
428
00:18:33,791 --> 00:18:36,159
why didn't you offer for
me to come stay with you?
429
00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:38,127
You wanted to stay with me?
430
00:18:38,128 --> 00:18:39,762
Well, I mean, it would have been nice
431
00:18:39,763 --> 00:18:42,699
not to use up all my rewards points.
432
00:18:42,700 --> 00:18:45,535
Hey, I would have been happy
for you to stay with me, okay?
433
00:18:45,536 --> 00:18:47,704
But I guarantee you, if I offered,
434
00:18:47,705 --> 00:18:49,372
you would have just
freaked out and dumped me.
435
00:18:49,373 --> 00:18:51,074
Anytime I try to get serious with you,
436
00:18:51,075 --> 00:18:52,642
y... you pull away from me.
437
00:18:54,311 --> 00:18:56,112
I do?
438
00:18:58,515 --> 00:19:00,049
Look, if it were up to me,
439
00:19:00,050 --> 00:19:02,185
you'd be staying at my place
every night of the week.
440
00:19:04,088 --> 00:19:06,622
Like... Permanently.
441
00:19:06,623 --> 00:19:08,191
Like "Boxing Helena" style?
442
00:19:08,192 --> 00:19:09,325
No.
443
00:19:09,326 --> 00:19:11,060
Don't want to cut off your limbs
444
00:19:11,061 --> 00:19:13,062
and put you in a box under my bed.
445
00:19:15,065 --> 00:19:18,101
I just want to be around
you as much as possible.
446
00:19:20,137 --> 00:19:22,171
Did I just scare you off?
447
00:19:35,651 --> 00:19:37,653
#TeamFreddy.
448
00:19:46,594 --> 00:19:47,895
Good morning, Charlie.
449
00:19:49,931 --> 00:19:52,934
Mini marshmallows. Your favorite, right?
450
00:19:52,935 --> 00:19:54,636
Go ahead. Drink up.
451
00:19:54,637 --> 00:19:56,170
Huh? Anything else you need?
452
00:19:56,171 --> 00:19:57,338
Would you like a breakfast pastry?
453
00:19:57,339 --> 00:19:58,640
How about a back rub?
454
00:19:58,641 --> 00:20:02,110
Sir, I'm sorry about the "F".
455
00:20:02,111 --> 00:20:05,613
I was having a bad day. I'm better now.
456
00:20:05,614 --> 00:20:07,915
Can you stop being so nice to me?
457
00:20:07,916 --> 00:20:09,083
I hate it.
458
00:20:09,084 --> 00:20:11,853
Yeah, I hate it, too.
459
00:20:11,854 --> 00:20:14,188
It's not right.
460
00:20:14,189 --> 00:20:17,925
Clean up these filthy
marshmallows, would you?
461
00:20:17,926 --> 00:20:19,627
I'm not the one who spilled them.
462
00:20:19,628 --> 00:20:21,729
Charlie, I entreat!
463
00:20:23,298 --> 00:20:25,800
He's back.
464
00:20:25,801 --> 00:20:27,602
So...
465
00:20:27,603 --> 00:20:29,737
What are you and midge up to this weekend?
466
00:20:29,738 --> 00:20:30,772
Midge?
467
00:20:30,773 --> 00:20:32,774
Your pocket pal. Your tiny dancer.
468
00:20:32,775 --> 00:20:34,075
Julia.
469
00:20:34,076 --> 00:20:36,110
Oh. Um...
470
00:20:36,111 --> 00:20:38,046
I don't know. We're probably
just gonna play it by ear.
471
00:20:38,047 --> 00:20:39,547
Why don't the two of you
come over to my place?
472
00:20:39,548 --> 00:20:41,716
- Oh, no, no. I think she's on call.
- But we could watch a movie
473
00:20:41,717 --> 00:20:46,054
like "The Break-up," or
"He's... just not that into you. "
474
00:20:47,622 --> 00:20:50,124
How did you find out?
475
00:20:50,125 --> 00:20:52,560
I read your journal.
476
00:20:52,561 --> 00:20:55,663
- What?! That's a clear violation of my personal
- J. K., Henry. J.K.
477
00:20:55,664 --> 00:20:58,599
Now I know you journal.
478
00:20:58,600 --> 00:20:59,934
Journal's not a verb.
479
00:20:59,935 --> 00:21:01,602
I don't journal. I keep a journal.
480
00:21:01,603 --> 00:21:04,072
I'm sorry things didn't
work out with Julia.
481
00:21:04,073 --> 00:21:06,641
Thank you.
482
00:21:06,642 --> 00:21:10,144
Well, I mean, it is
completely understandable.
483
00:21:11,180 --> 00:21:13,581
Let me guess more height jokes?
484
00:21:13,582 --> 00:21:14,816
No.
485
00:21:14,817 --> 00:21:16,317
No, I would never want to belittle Julia.
486
00:21:16,318 --> 00:21:19,554
Because she already "be little" herself?
487
00:21:20,656 --> 00:21:23,691
Would you say she has a short temper?
488
00:21:23,692 --> 00:21:26,594
You are 7 years old. You
do know that, don't you?
489
00:21:26,595 --> 00:21:31,429
Selfie S01E11
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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