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1
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I have more friends
than anyone else I know,
2
00:00:02,445 --> 00:00:04,839
and every single day, more people ask
3
00:00:04,861 --> 00:00:06,495
to be friends with me.
4
00:00:08,665 --> 00:00:12,968
Seeing that number creep
up does make me feel good.
5
00:00:14,037 --> 00:00:16,004
But for all my online friends,
6
00:00:16,072 --> 00:00:18,540
in the real world, I only have one.
7
00:00:18,608 --> 00:00:19,808
- Hey!
- Hey.
8
00:00:19,876 --> 00:00:21,276
There you are. Got you something.
9
00:00:21,344 --> 00:00:23,011
Aah!
10
00:00:24,514 --> 00:00:26,348
What is that?
11
00:00:26,416 --> 00:00:27,850
It's a landline.
12
00:00:29,452 --> 00:00:31,787
Before touchscreens, there was touch-tone.
13
00:00:31,855 --> 00:00:33,021
And before touch-tone,
14
00:00:33,089 --> 00:00:36,658
there were rotary phones, like this one.
15
00:00:36,726 --> 00:00:38,026
Henry and I spend a lot of time together,
16
00:00:38,094 --> 00:00:39,561
and we never have sex.
17
00:00:39,629 --> 00:00:42,764
We are, in the truest
sense of the word, friends.
18
00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:45,968
This phone will teach you to be patient.
19
00:00:48,304 --> 00:00:49,404
Huh.
20
00:00:49,472 --> 00:00:51,406
It is not fast. It does not store numbers.
21
00:00:51,474 --> 00:00:53,175
So you may have to learn some. Or...
22
00:00:53,243 --> 00:00:54,276
Hmm.
23
00:00:54,344 --> 00:00:56,578
You could use one of these.
24
00:00:56,646 --> 00:00:58,480
See, that's what made
our friendship so great.
25
00:00:58,548 --> 00:01:00,115
Henry was always teaching me stuff,
26
00:01:00,183 --> 00:01:01,617
and I was always letting him.
27
00:01:01,684 --> 00:01:03,619
That's why I thought nothing
could come between us.
28
00:01:03,686 --> 00:01:04,786
Hi.
29
00:01:04,854 --> 00:01:05,754
Hi.
30
00:01:05,822 --> 00:01:07,489
- His door's closed.
- I see that.
31
00:01:07,557 --> 00:01:08,824
I'm about to open it.
32
00:01:08,892 --> 00:01:10,125
No, no, no.
33
00:01:10,193 --> 00:01:12,394
Uh, it's intentionally
closed. It's staying closed.
34
00:01:12,462 --> 00:01:13,629
What's that supposed to mean?
35
00:01:13,696 --> 00:01:14,963
Well, he's in there with someone
36
00:01:15,031 --> 00:01:16,932
and doesn't want to be disturbed.
37
00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:17,900
Shut up.
38
00:01:17,967 --> 00:01:19,635
I'm serious, Eliza.
39
00:01:19,702 --> 00:01:21,603
He asked me to make
sure no one bothers him.
40
00:01:21,671 --> 00:01:23,772
Who's in there?
41
00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:24,706
I'm not at liberty to...
42
00:01:24,774 --> 00:01:26,441
- Is it Saperstein?
- No.
43
00:01:26,509 --> 00:01:27,342
- Joan?
- No.
44
00:01:27,410 --> 00:01:28,544
Is it Larry, Linda?
45
00:01:28,611 --> 00:01:29,611
No. No.
46
00:01:29,679 --> 00:01:31,246
Is it Obama?
47
00:01:31,314 --> 00:01:32,548
No.
48
00:01:32,615 --> 00:01:35,083
- Is it Tobey Maguire?
- No.
49
00:01:35,151 --> 00:01:36,919
- Is it Tobey Maguire, you little bitch?!
- No.
50
00:01:36,986 --> 00:01:37,819
No.
51
00:01:39,822 --> 00:01:41,323
- Oh.
- Oh!
52
00:01:43,726 --> 00:01:46,762
Julia, this is my... Contemporary,
53
00:01:46,829 --> 00:01:48,030
Eliza.
54
00:01:48,097 --> 00:01:51,466
Eliza, I present, for
your consideration, Julia,
55
00:01:51,534 --> 00:01:52,935
the gentlewoman I'm courting.
56
00:01:53,002 --> 00:01:53,769
What?
57
00:01:53,836 --> 00:01:55,137
Henry, thank you
58
00:01:55,204 --> 00:01:58,340
for the enjoyable conversation
and the lime-infused water.
59
00:01:58,408 --> 00:02:00,075
No, thank you for making the schlep
60
00:02:00,143 --> 00:02:01,910
and providing the curried chicken salad.
61
00:02:07,951 --> 00:02:09,051
Henry?
62
00:02:09,118 --> 00:02:11,987
Are you low-key dating that tiny woman?
63
00:02:12,055 --> 00:02:14,156
Well, increasingly, things are moving
64
00:02:14,223 --> 00:02:15,524
in that direction, so...
65
00:02:15,592 --> 00:02:17,593
I would have to say yes.
66
00:02:17,660 --> 00:02:19,528
Officially, yes, I am.
67
00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:24,666
Thank you, Charlie.
68
00:02:46,189 --> 00:02:47,356
What seems to be the problem?
69
00:02:47,423 --> 00:02:48,557
What? No, it's not a... Nothing.
70
00:02:48,625 --> 00:02:50,292
It's just... it's weird
that you didn't tell me
71
00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:51,994
that you officially started dating someone.
72
00:02:52,061 --> 00:02:53,729
We just became official
like six seconds ago.
73
00:02:53,796 --> 00:02:55,097
Yeah, but if I hadn't have asked,
74
00:02:55,164 --> 00:02:56,231
you wouldn't have told me.
75
00:02:56,299 --> 00:02:57,799
- So?
- So?
76
00:02:57,867 --> 00:03:00,669
I tell you every single detail
about my love life with Freddy.
77
00:03:00,737 --> 00:03:03,305
That is a habit I'm desperately
trying to break you of.
78
00:03:03,373 --> 00:03:05,440
Lest we not forget, you were the one
79
00:03:05,508 --> 00:03:07,576
who was giving me grief
about not getting any.
80
00:03:08,811 --> 00:03:10,612
I thought you'd be happy for me.
81
00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:13,015
But, funnily enough, they never are.
82
00:03:13,082 --> 00:03:16,251
Now, I typically don't like
to generalize, but I will say,
83
00:03:16,319 --> 00:03:18,487
with the exception of Phylicia Rashad,
84
00:03:18,554 --> 00:03:21,623
whom I once chatted with on
a layover at O'Hare airport,
85
00:03:21,691 --> 00:03:23,558
all women are highly emotional
86
00:03:23,626 --> 00:03:25,427
and deeply jealous creatures.
87
00:03:25,495 --> 00:03:27,396
Julia doesn't seem to be that...
88
00:03:27,463 --> 00:03:28,997
Uh, doesn't seem to be.
89
00:03:29,065 --> 00:03:31,600
I'm telling you, the two
of us are really simpatico,
90
00:03:31,668 --> 00:03:33,502
more so than anyone else I've ever dated.
91
00:03:33,569 --> 00:03:36,171
We're both well-groomed,
but not overly ornate.
92
00:03:41,577 --> 00:03:45,113
Neither of us feel compelled
to fill every silence
93
00:03:45,181 --> 00:03:47,582
with mindless chatter.
94
00:03:47,650 --> 00:03:49,618
And when we do make conversation,
95
00:03:49,686 --> 00:03:51,253
we always see eye-to-eye.
96
00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:53,288
Holding hands or locking pinkies?
97
00:03:53,356 --> 00:03:54,289
Locking pinkies.
98
00:03:58,628 --> 00:04:01,663
Well, enjoy the
pinky-holding while it lasts
99
00:04:01,731 --> 00:04:03,865
because when Julia catches
wind of how much time
100
00:04:03,933 --> 00:04:05,400
you're spending with Eliza,
101
00:04:05,468 --> 00:04:07,569
she's gonna get all weird and threatened.
102
00:04:07,637 --> 00:04:09,571
Just... oh, hold on.
103
00:04:09,639 --> 00:04:11,006
Hey, there, lover.
104
00:04:11,074 --> 00:04:12,874
No, I'm with Henry.
105
00:04:12,942 --> 00:04:15,177
Yes, I am.
106
00:04:15,244 --> 00:04:18,146
All right, I'll put him on right now.
107
00:04:18,214 --> 00:04:20,182
Henry, say hi to my wife.
108
00:04:20,249 --> 00:04:22,150
- No, no, no.
- Just let her hear your voice!
109
00:04:25,988 --> 00:04:27,556
Hi, Nancy. It's Henry.
110
00:04:28,725 --> 00:04:30,559
No, it's not Larry doing a voice.
111
00:04:30,626 --> 00:04:31,960
- It's really me.
- Good, good.
112
00:04:32,028 --> 00:04:34,196
Oh, God, just because
he's dating someone else
113
00:04:34,263 --> 00:04:37,399
does not mean things
between us will change.
114
00:04:37,467 --> 00:04:39,434
No way... I'm just being paranoid.
115
00:04:39,502 --> 00:04:41,603
You're not being paranoid.
116
00:04:41,671 --> 00:04:44,906
You remember Thistle from my book club?
117
00:04:44,974 --> 00:04:48,343
She and I were hard-core bffs.
118
00:04:48,411 --> 00:04:50,212
We canned peaches together,
119
00:04:50,279 --> 00:04:52,013
nostalgia-read Judy Blume books together.
120
00:04:52,081 --> 00:04:54,049
We were even on the same menstrual cycle.
121
00:04:54,117 --> 00:04:56,284
But then she started dating
Balthazar and singing backup
122
00:04:56,352 --> 00:04:58,353
in his Ashkenazi klezmer band,
123
00:04:58,421 --> 00:05:01,456
and just like that,
our friendship was over.
124
00:05:01,524 --> 00:05:04,826
Well, luckily, Henry
doesn't listen to klezmer.
125
00:05:04,894 --> 00:05:06,728
Oh, no. It wasn't the klezmer.
126
00:05:06,796 --> 00:05:07,863
It was Balthazar.
127
00:05:07,930 --> 00:05:10,065
He felt threatened by our friendship.
128
00:05:10,133 --> 00:05:11,900
And thistle knew I didn't like him,
129
00:05:11,968 --> 00:05:13,535
which drove a wedge between us.
130
00:05:13,603 --> 00:05:17,205
If I had just been more supportive of him,
131
00:05:17,273 --> 00:05:19,674
maybe I'd still be friends with her.
132
00:05:22,478 --> 00:05:24,079
We need to talk.
133
00:05:24,147 --> 00:05:26,148
I'm sorry for how I reacted.
134
00:05:26,215 --> 00:05:27,783
I'm sorry I sprung this Julia news on you.
135
00:05:27,850 --> 00:05:28,884
But I've thought about it,
136
00:05:28,951 --> 00:05:30,218
and I want to be super-supportive.
137
00:05:30,286 --> 00:05:31,453
I hope you can be super-supportive
138
00:05:31,521 --> 00:05:32,721
because I really do like Julia.
139
00:05:32,789 --> 00:05:35,090
I get it. I get it. And
I'm dating someone, too.
140
00:05:35,158 --> 00:05:36,124
- Hi, Freddy.
- Hey.
141
00:05:36,192 --> 00:05:37,325
Oh!
142
00:05:37,393 --> 00:05:38,894
Even though he's a tool,
I try to be encouraging.
143
00:05:38,961 --> 00:05:40,195
As I will be
144
00:05:40,263 --> 00:05:41,897
of your tiny, sterile,
micro, pocket lady-boy.
145
00:05:41,964 --> 00:05:44,132
Listen, and as far as
our friendship goes...
146
00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:45,233
Nothing has to change.
147
00:05:45,301 --> 00:05:46,968
I completely agree.
148
00:05:47,036 --> 00:05:48,136
I was gonna say
149
00:05:48,204 --> 00:05:50,605
we should probably make some modifications.
150
00:05:50,673 --> 00:05:52,707
What kind of modifications?
151
00:05:52,775 --> 00:05:55,210
Well, we probably don't need
quite as many work sessions,
152
00:05:55,278 --> 00:05:57,078
since you've been doing so well recently.
153
00:05:57,146 --> 00:05:58,947
Uh, what are you talking about?
154
00:05:59,015 --> 00:06:00,649
Yesterday was Linda's birthday,
155
00:06:00,716 --> 00:06:03,118
and I didn't sign her card
because my nails were wet.
156
00:06:03,186 --> 00:06:05,253
- I'm not doing well. I'm just... I'm not.
- There she is!
157
00:06:05,321 --> 00:06:08,023
There's our number-one sales rep.
158
00:06:08,090 --> 00:06:09,991
My little shooting star!
159
00:06:10,059 --> 00:06:11,593
Me? No, no, no, no.
You've got the wrong girl.
160
00:06:11,661 --> 00:06:13,829
I am consistently late to work.
161
00:06:13,896 --> 00:06:17,299
And sometimes I turn in
receipts for personal expenses.
162
00:06:17,366 --> 00:06:19,434
Well, you know who else
was a bit of a rule-breaker?
163
00:06:19,502 --> 00:06:21,603
Harriet Tubman.
164
00:06:21,671 --> 00:06:25,440
Like you, she had a...
She had a lot of followers.
165
00:06:25,508 --> 00:06:27,742
Yeah, a lot of followers.
166
00:06:27,810 --> 00:06:31,146
How many followers would you say you have?
167
00:06:31,214 --> 00:06:34,583
Um, across all platforms?
168
00:06:34,650 --> 00:06:38,086
- Roughly 300,000, sir.
- Wow.
169
00:06:38,154 --> 00:06:40,422
That's... that's
significantly more than Tubman.
170
00:06:40,489 --> 00:06:41,723
Although, to be fair,
171
00:06:41,791 --> 00:06:43,992
she did have a lot more on her plate
172
00:06:44,060 --> 00:06:45,961
than, uh... You do.
173
00:06:46,028 --> 00:06:49,297
How would you like to
introduce our keynote speaker
174
00:06:49,365 --> 00:06:51,299
at the pharmaceutical conference next week?
175
00:06:51,367 --> 00:06:53,401
Me?
176
00:06:53,469 --> 00:06:55,470
We could use a little star power.
177
00:06:55,538 --> 00:06:57,572
- Oh.
- And I'm not afraid to tell you
178
00:06:57,640 --> 00:07:00,575
Joan sucked the life out of
Pharmaceuti-Con last year.
179
00:07:00,643 --> 00:07:01,810
But this year,
180
00:07:01,878 --> 00:07:04,179
I really want to grab people's attention.
181
00:07:04,247 --> 00:07:05,347
So, what do you say?
182
00:07:05,414 --> 00:07:07,182
Will you get up there and make
183
00:07:07,250 --> 00:07:09,150
Kinderkare Pharmaceuticals proud?
184
00:07:09,218 --> 00:07:11,253
- I'd be honored, sir.
- Great.
185
00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:13,188
And I'm sure with Henry by my side...
186
00:07:15,358 --> 00:07:16,892
I can't lose.
187
00:07:19,621 --> 00:07:21,792
I thought we were gonna eat
lunch together, like always.
188
00:07:21,860 --> 00:07:24,161
I'm sorry. I promised Julia.
189
00:07:24,229 --> 00:07:25,863
Henry, this isn't a good time for Julia.
190
00:07:25,930 --> 00:07:27,297
I have Pharmaceuti-Con coming up,
191
00:07:27,365 --> 00:07:29,500
and I need your help preparing
for the keynote speech.
192
00:07:29,567 --> 00:07:31,535
Eliza, you are introducing
the speech, not giving it.
193
00:07:31,603 --> 00:07:33,270
All you got to say is, "here's this guy."
194
00:07:33,338 --> 00:07:35,172
And if you can remember
his name, all the better.
195
00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:36,726
So...
196
00:07:36,764 --> 00:07:38,665
- You're not gonna help me?
- I just did!
197
00:07:38,732 --> 00:07:39,766
How's my hair?
198
00:07:39,834 --> 00:07:42,001
- Black. Same as always.
- Thank you.
199
00:07:42,069 --> 00:07:45,438
Hey, if you want to eat lunch
in my office, you're welcome to.
200
00:07:45,506 --> 00:07:48,241
What's that supposed to mean?
201
00:07:48,309 --> 00:07:50,844
I think he just means that it's okay
202
00:07:50,911 --> 00:07:52,011
to eat in his office,
203
00:07:52,079 --> 00:07:53,046
even though he's not gonna be in there.
204
00:07:53,113 --> 00:07:55,014
And you don't think that's weird?
205
00:07:55,082 --> 00:07:57,417
I mean, he's on his way to eat
lunch with his new girlfriend,
206
00:07:57,484 --> 00:07:59,085
and he's telling me to eat in his office?
207
00:07:59,153 --> 00:07:59,919
Hello!
208
00:07:59,987 --> 00:08:01,788
Okay, I'm surmising
209
00:08:01,856 --> 00:08:04,457
that you're worried now
that Henry's dating...
210
00:08:04,525 --> 00:08:07,060
Ooh! She whose name shall not be spoken.
211
00:08:07,127 --> 00:08:08,528
Julia...
212
00:08:08,596 --> 00:08:10,530
That he won't want you in his life anymore.
213
00:08:10,598 --> 00:08:13,566
I know I'm probably just being paranoid.
214
00:08:13,634 --> 00:08:15,201
No, you're not being paranoid.
215
00:08:15,269 --> 00:08:17,303
That's pretty much the script, unless...
216
00:08:17,371 --> 00:08:19,138
You do something to flip it.
217
00:08:19,206 --> 00:08:21,441
Well, I tried being, like, supportive.
218
00:08:21,508 --> 00:08:22,742
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
219
00:08:22,810 --> 00:08:24,878
I'm not talking about being supportive.
220
00:08:24,945 --> 00:08:26,980
Little Miss Muffet needs to recognize.
221
00:08:27,047 --> 00:08:29,582
Now, what you need to do
is the same thing I did
222
00:08:29,650 --> 00:08:32,151
when this lady from my
urban league who does hair
223
00:08:32,219 --> 00:08:34,254
was trying to steal my
best friend, Camilla.
224
00:08:34,321 --> 00:08:36,656
What did you do?
225
00:08:36,724 --> 00:08:38,925
I took the bitch down.
226
00:08:40,094 --> 00:08:41,861
Huh!
227
00:08:41,929 --> 00:08:44,163
Look at this profile pic.
228
00:08:44,231 --> 00:08:47,033
Ugh. That is tasteful and demure.
229
00:08:47,101 --> 00:08:48,635
And these reviews...
230
00:08:48,702 --> 00:08:51,104
"After years of being misdiagnosed,
231
00:08:51,171 --> 00:08:53,606
"Dr. Julia honed in on the true cause
232
00:08:53,674 --> 00:08:56,376
"of my son's neurogenic bladder disorder.
233
00:08:56,443 --> 00:08:59,612
Thanks to Dr. Julia, Truman
is now peeing freely."
234
00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:01,915
Oh, way to go, Truman.
235
00:09:01,982 --> 00:09:03,516
Okay. Okay. Okay.
236
00:09:03,584 --> 00:09:04,851
But they're not all Trumans.
237
00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:06,386
I mean, look right here.
238
00:09:06,453 --> 00:09:08,087
"Wait time was a little
longer than expected."
239
00:09:08,155 --> 00:09:11,257
"But only because Dr. Julia was performing
240
00:09:11,325 --> 00:09:14,327
emergency urethral reconstructive surgery"?
241
00:09:14,395 --> 00:09:15,662
"Dr. J is a hero."
242
00:09:15,729 --> 00:09:18,197
Okay, but...
243
00:09:18,265 --> 00:09:19,532
I got nothing.
244
00:09:20,768 --> 00:09:22,702
Since I couldn't find
245
00:09:22,770 --> 00:09:24,938
a visible hole in Julia's character,
246
00:09:25,005 --> 00:09:26,406
I decided to poke one.
247
00:09:26,473 --> 00:09:28,975
Mmm! Tea time!
248
00:09:29,043 --> 00:09:31,444
Don't mind if I don't.
249
00:09:31,512 --> 00:09:32,779
What? You don't want tea?
250
00:09:32,846 --> 00:09:34,914
There's no need to specify
that you don't want something,
251
00:09:34,982 --> 00:09:36,616
particularly if it hasn't been offered.
252
00:09:36,684 --> 00:09:39,452
Duly noted, Earl Grey.
253
00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:40,887
Okay, you're acting weird.
254
00:09:40,955 --> 00:09:41,955
I'm being weird?
255
00:09:42,022 --> 00:09:43,823
I'm not the one who loves urine.
256
00:09:43,891 --> 00:09:45,124
What did you say?
257
00:09:45,192 --> 00:09:47,927
Baby urine. Isn't that
your new lady's fave?
258
00:09:47,995 --> 00:09:49,829
Her fave?
259
00:09:49,897 --> 00:09:51,364
Julia's a pediatric urologist.
260
00:09:51,432 --> 00:09:52,498
Like I said.
261
00:09:52,566 --> 00:09:54,233
Urology is not the study of urine.
262
00:09:54,301 --> 00:09:56,369
It is the study of the
urinary-tract system,
263
00:09:56,437 --> 00:09:59,272
which includes the kidneys,
the adrenal glands, the bladder,
264
00:09:59,340 --> 00:10:00,606
as well as the male reproductive organs.
265
00:10:00,674 --> 00:10:02,842
Oh, hello. Paging Dr. Peen.
266
00:10:02,910 --> 00:10:04,477
She's a pediatric urologist.
267
00:10:04,545 --> 00:10:06,846
Oh, hello. Paging Dr. Baby-Peen.
268
00:10:06,914 --> 00:10:07,914
So sorry.
269
00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:10,516
Okay, you are being incredibly juvenile.
270
00:10:10,584 --> 00:10:12,719
Henry, come on. Come on.
271
00:10:12,786 --> 00:10:14,020
You're still coming over tonight, right,
272
00:10:14,088 --> 00:10:16,923
to help me with the keynote thingy?
273
00:10:16,991 --> 00:10:18,224
Henry?
274
00:10:18,292 --> 00:10:21,160
So, I'll start on the
Risotto if you want to prep
275
00:10:21,228 --> 00:10:23,863
the lamb shanks and mirepoix for braising.
276
00:10:23,931 --> 00:10:25,698
Braise, huh?
277
00:10:25,766 --> 00:10:28,301
What is the E.T.A. on a braise?
278
00:10:28,369 --> 00:10:29,869
Do you have somewhere to be?
279
00:10:29,937 --> 00:10:31,971
Uh, not immediately, but I
may have this one work thing
280
00:10:32,039 --> 00:10:34,440
- to take care of later tonight.
- Fine.
281
00:10:34,508 --> 00:10:36,109
If it's not fine, you can say so.
282
00:10:36,176 --> 00:10:37,510
I can probably blow it off.
283
00:10:37,578 --> 00:10:38,611
Oh, no.
284
00:10:38,679 --> 00:10:40,880
I'm sorry if I sound punishing, Henry.
285
00:10:40,948 --> 00:10:42,448
That's my default cadence.
286
00:10:42,516 --> 00:10:45,818
It's fine. Sincerely, I'm not mad.
287
00:10:45,886 --> 00:10:49,522
Truth told, I had a... Rough day at work.
288
00:10:49,590 --> 00:10:51,758
Oh, I'm sorry. You want to talk about it?
289
00:10:51,825 --> 00:10:54,394
Some idiot left a bunch
of negative feedback
290
00:10:54,461 --> 00:10:56,062
- about me online.
- What?
291
00:10:56,130 --> 00:10:59,098
They kept insisting
that I got my "peen-HD"
292
00:10:59,166 --> 00:11:00,733
in "urinology."
293
00:11:00,801 --> 00:11:04,470
Have you ever heard of
something so incredibly ignorant?
294
00:11:04,538 --> 00:11:06,739
Unfortunately, I have.
295
00:11:12,679 --> 00:11:15,448
I think I was being stood up.
296
00:11:16,817 --> 00:11:18,317
I'd never actually been stood up before,
297
00:11:18,385 --> 00:11:20,653
so I wasn't totally sure.
298
00:11:27,694 --> 00:11:30,396
I checked all my phones to make sure
299
00:11:30,464 --> 00:11:31,464
they were in working order.
300
00:11:32,833 --> 00:11:34,600
They were.
301
00:11:34,668 --> 00:11:36,069
Hello? Hello?
302
00:11:36,136 --> 00:11:37,470
Hello? Hello?
303
00:11:37,538 --> 00:11:39,038
Hello. I'm talking to myself.
304
00:11:39,106 --> 00:11:40,206
I'm talking to myself.
305
00:11:42,342 --> 00:11:45,978
So I sat by the phone
waiting for Henry to call.
306
00:11:46,046 --> 00:11:46,879
Aah! Aah!
307
00:11:48,415 --> 00:11:49,649
But he didn't.
308
00:11:49,716 --> 00:11:51,117
Aah!
309
00:11:51,185 --> 00:11:52,785
Henry?
310
00:11:52,853 --> 00:11:54,754
Ah. Ahh.
311
00:11:56,423 --> 00:11:58,224
Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, I do have three minutes
312
00:11:58,292 --> 00:12:00,460
to answer a few short
questions about my water usage.
313
00:12:00,527 --> 00:12:01,427
Abso...
314
00:12:01,495 --> 00:12:03,463
Uh, I got to go.
315
00:12:08,135 --> 00:12:09,435
Yes!
316
00:12:09,503 --> 00:12:11,704
- [I knew you'd come.
- Hold your mirth.
317
00:12:11,772 --> 00:12:14,640
I'm here for one reason,
and one reason only.
318
00:12:14,708 --> 00:12:18,144
To help me learn to say
"here's this guy"? Huh?
319
00:12:18,212 --> 00:12:19,312
How could you have left
320
00:12:19,379 --> 00:12:20,980
those negative reviews of Julia online?
321
00:12:21,048 --> 00:12:24,183
That is a career you're
messing with, and why?
322
00:12:24,251 --> 00:12:27,353
Because you can't stand anyone
but you soaking up my attention.
323
00:12:27,421 --> 00:12:29,322
You are not the sun, Eliza.
324
00:12:29,389 --> 00:12:32,558
The world does not revolve around you.
325
00:12:33,694 --> 00:12:34,861
You're right.
326
00:12:34,928 --> 00:12:36,896
I think I'm the sun.
327
00:12:36,964 --> 00:12:39,232
And I hear from your tone that I'm not.
328
00:12:39,299 --> 00:12:41,968
Point bees, until we
figure out who the sun is,
329
00:12:42,035 --> 00:12:44,103
maybe we need to go back to meeting
330
00:12:44,171 --> 00:12:46,139
like one to three times per week.
331
00:12:46,206 --> 00:12:47,907
You do need help.
332
00:12:47,975 --> 00:12:49,876
But you're not gonna get it from me.
333
00:12:49,943 --> 00:12:51,110
I think we're done here.
334
00:12:53,113 --> 00:12:55,314
Wait... done with our conversation,
or done with this friendship?
335
00:12:55,382 --> 00:12:58,017
Henry, just clarify!
336
00:13:02,721 --> 00:13:04,021
Henry had dumped me.
337
00:13:04,089 --> 00:13:05,522
I was legit friendless
338
00:13:05,590 --> 00:13:08,058
and feeling so-Cal sorry for myself.
339
00:13:08,126 --> 00:13:09,860
#thestruggleisreal.
340
00:13:11,830 --> 00:13:12,696
Beep, beep.
341
00:13:12,764 --> 00:13:13,731
Excuse us.
342
00:13:13,798 --> 00:13:14,798
Wow.
343
00:13:14,866 --> 00:13:16,200
You know something?
344
00:13:16,267 --> 00:13:18,602
No one has ever baked me a cake.
345
00:13:18,670 --> 00:13:21,338
This is the closest
I've ever come to someone
346
00:13:21,406 --> 00:13:22,673
baking me a cake...
347
00:13:22,741 --> 00:13:26,110
Standing near a cake that
was baked for someone else.
348
00:13:26,177 --> 00:13:28,112
And now that I've lost the
only real friend I ever had,
349
00:13:28,179 --> 00:13:31,281
I'm guessing my future is
gonna be pretty cake-less.
350
00:13:31,349 --> 00:13:33,117
Pretty cake-less, you guys.
351
00:13:39,131 --> 00:13:40,699
Sorry, can you move?
352
00:13:40,766 --> 00:13:42,434
We need to get this cake to Balthazar
353
00:13:42,501 --> 00:13:44,035
before the fondant starts to sweat.
354
00:13:44,103 --> 00:13:45,804
You baked a cake for Balthazar?
355
00:13:45,871 --> 00:13:47,305
I thought you guys hated Balthazar.
356
00:13:47,373 --> 00:13:49,741
We do. But we miss Thistle.
357
00:13:49,809 --> 00:13:51,776
So we're bringing this as an olive branch.
358
00:13:51,844 --> 00:13:54,679
There's nothing in the world
a moist cake can't cure...
359
00:13:54,747 --> 00:13:55,647
Except alcoholism.
360
00:13:56,749 --> 00:13:58,550
Have a great one.
361
00:14:01,821 --> 00:14:03,355
And that's when I realized...
362
00:14:03,422 --> 00:14:05,223
Since there's nothing in the world,
363
00:14:05,291 --> 00:14:07,625
besides alcoholism, that
a moist cake can't cure,
364
00:14:07,693 --> 00:14:09,327
I thought I'd bake one for Julia
365
00:14:09,395 --> 00:14:11,429
to show that I do respect her profession
366
00:14:11,497 --> 00:14:13,298
and that I now know where the prostate is.
367
00:14:16,769 --> 00:14:18,169
Dernk!
368
00:14:18,237 --> 00:14:20,238
Oh. Looks delicious.
369
00:14:20,306 --> 00:14:22,273
Save me a slice of the bladder.
370
00:14:22,341 --> 00:14:23,608
Will do...
371
00:14:23,676 --> 00:14:24,876
If you will call Julia's
office, pretend to be my mother,
372
00:14:24,944 --> 00:14:26,578
and see if you can get her to squeeze me in
373
00:14:26,645 --> 00:14:28,079
for an appointment this afternoon.
374
00:14:28,147 --> 00:14:30,115
- No.
- But if I make nice with Julia,
375
00:14:30,182 --> 00:14:31,716
maybe she'll let me
stay friends with Henry.
376
00:14:31,784 --> 00:14:32,650
No.
377
00:14:32,718 --> 00:14:34,019
Please?
378
00:14:34,086 --> 00:14:34,819
No.
379
00:14:36,155 --> 00:14:38,690
Look, you're already a mom,
and you give good phone.
380
00:14:38,758 --> 00:14:40,158
This will be easy for you.
381
00:14:43,596 --> 00:14:45,697
Hello, I'd like to make an appointment
382
00:14:45,765 --> 00:14:48,974
for an adult white lady
carrying a prostate cake.
383
00:14:49,568 --> 00:14:51,803
Yes, 3:15's fine.
384
00:15:00,012 --> 00:15:02,380
Does one of you have a
Teen Vogue or something?
385
00:15:02,448 --> 00:15:03,615
I'd even take
386
00:15:03,682 --> 00:15:04,916
a Good Housekeeping at this point.
387
00:15:04,984 --> 00:15:05,717
Moms?
388
00:15:12,124 --> 00:15:14,225
That one's my favorite.
389
00:15:15,628 --> 00:15:17,228
"The courageous kitty"?
390
00:15:17,296 --> 00:15:19,297
What's so courageous about her?
391
00:15:19,365 --> 00:15:21,666
Did she come out to her parents? Huh?
392
00:15:21,734 --> 00:15:22,734
Hey.
393
00:15:22,802 --> 00:15:25,003
It's about a scared little kitty
394
00:15:25,071 --> 00:15:27,772
who doesn't think she can cross the river
395
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:30,208
- to get to her first rodeo.
- What?
396
00:15:30,276 --> 00:15:32,811
But she just keeps believing in herself.
397
00:15:32,878 --> 00:15:36,448
And she realizes that she can make it.
398
00:15:36,515 --> 00:15:39,150
And then she does make it.
399
00:15:39,218 --> 00:15:41,619
And she stays on the boat for nine...
400
00:15:41,687 --> 00:15:43,988
This is your favorite book?
401
00:15:44,056 --> 00:15:45,657
Then I realized...
402
00:15:45,724 --> 00:15:46,958
That little girl
403
00:15:47,026 --> 00:15:48,593
with the terrible taste in literature
404
00:15:48,661 --> 00:15:49,794
was there for a reason.
405
00:15:49,862 --> 00:15:52,664
It burns when I oopsy.
406
00:15:52,731 --> 00:15:54,199
Okay, two reasons.
407
00:15:54,266 --> 00:15:56,701
And the second one was to
help me believe in myself.
408
00:15:56,769 --> 00:15:58,536
I don't need to grovel or beg.
409
00:15:58,604 --> 00:16:01,873
I'm the courageous kitty, but hotter.
410
00:16:01,941 --> 00:16:05,343
And I can handle
Pharmaceuti-Con all on my own.
411
00:16:11,517 --> 00:16:15,186
Look at this cake one of my patients madme.
412
00:16:15,254 --> 00:16:16,187
Wow!
413
00:16:16,255 --> 00:16:17,255
A child made that?
414
00:16:17,323 --> 00:16:19,290
Yes, a child with a very thorough
415
00:16:19,358 --> 00:16:21,626
understanding of the urological system.
416
00:16:21,694 --> 00:16:22,427
Yeah.
417
00:16:33,604 --> 00:16:36,739
May I offer you a piece of the urethra?
418
00:16:36,807 --> 00:16:37,807
No.
419
00:16:37,875 --> 00:16:39,442
Irritable bowel?
420
00:16:39,510 --> 00:16:42,512
Oh... Or just irritable?
421
00:16:42,579 --> 00:16:45,715
I'm not irritable.
I-I-I'm fine.
422
00:16:45,783 --> 00:16:46,749
I'm fine.
423
00:16:46,817 --> 00:16:49,252
Mmm! This is good!
424
00:16:49,319 --> 00:16:51,921
Season 3 "Mentalist" finale. Let's do it.
425
00:16:51,989 --> 00:16:53,623
Henry...
426
00:16:53,691 --> 00:16:55,391
One needn't be the mentalist
427
00:16:55,459 --> 00:16:59,462
to see that something is bothering you.
428
00:16:59,530 --> 00:17:01,097
Okay, I'm sorry.
429
00:17:01,165 --> 00:17:04,367
It's just, um...
430
00:17:04,435 --> 00:17:05,835
Do you know that contemporary of mine
431
00:17:05,903 --> 00:17:07,136
I introduced you to?
432
00:17:07,204 --> 00:17:10,039
The jolly ginger giantess. Yes, I remember.
433
00:17:10,107 --> 00:17:12,475
Ooh, she was a skyscraper, she was.
434
00:17:12,543 --> 00:17:13,643
Right.
435
00:17:13,711 --> 00:17:16,245
The thing is, she's
more than a contemporary.
436
00:17:16,313 --> 00:17:18,047
She's more like a friend.
437
00:17:18,115 --> 00:17:21,050
The two of us are pretty close, actually.
438
00:17:21,118 --> 00:17:22,351
And?
439
00:17:22,419 --> 00:17:24,053
And...
440
00:17:24,121 --> 00:17:26,055
Eliza...
441
00:17:26,123 --> 00:17:29,759
She has a big event tonight,
and it is the kind of thing
442
00:17:29,827 --> 00:17:32,228
that I would normally be there for
443
00:17:32,296 --> 00:17:33,730
to offer her support.
444
00:17:33,797 --> 00:17:34,931
But I didn't...
445
00:17:34,998 --> 00:17:38,000
I didn't want it to be an issue between us.
446
00:17:38,068 --> 00:17:40,837
Well, why would it be an issue?
447
00:17:40,904 --> 00:17:42,271
I'm a self-assured woman.
448
00:17:42,339 --> 00:17:44,874
Of course I expect you
to have female friends.
449
00:17:44,942 --> 00:17:47,176
I myself have throngs of male cohorts.
450
00:17:47,244 --> 00:17:48,778
So you don't mind if I...
451
00:17:48,846 --> 00:17:49,946
Throngs?
452
00:17:50,013 --> 00:17:51,781
What... what... What constitutes a throng?
453
00:17:51,849 --> 00:17:54,751
Oh, more than a gaggle, less than a swarm.
454
00:17:54,818 --> 00:17:58,688
Go help your enormous
friend. It's no problemo.
455
00:17:58,756 --> 00:18:00,490
I won't have a cow.
456
00:18:01,725 --> 00:18:03,292
"The Mentalist" and I will be here
457
00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:04,861
waiting for you when you get back.
458
00:18:10,934 --> 00:18:13,136
You are Phylicia Rashad.
459
00:18:14,238 --> 00:18:16,839
I get that a lot.
460
00:18:16,907 --> 00:18:20,209
Ladies and gentlemen, we welcome you
461
00:18:20,277 --> 00:18:21,711
to Kinderkare Pharmaceuticals'
462
00:18:21,779 --> 00:18:25,047
strides in children's medicine symposium.
463
00:18:25,115 --> 00:18:28,050
Now, here to introduce our keynote speaker,
464
00:18:28,118 --> 00:18:29,285
Ms. Eliza Dooley.
465
00:18:29,353 --> 00:18:31,154
As I stepped onto the stage, it hit me.
466
00:18:31,221 --> 00:18:32,455
I was on my own.
467
00:18:32,523 --> 00:18:33,689
I couldn't believe that my only friend
468
00:18:33,757 --> 00:18:35,658
was missing the most important moment
469
00:18:35,726 --> 00:18:37,260
in the guy I was introducing's life.
470
00:18:37,327 --> 00:18:38,628
There she is. There she is.
471
00:18:38,695 --> 00:18:39,595
Oh.
472
00:18:42,266 --> 00:18:43,699
Thank you.
473
00:18:45,969 --> 00:18:48,371
And now this guy.
474
00:18:53,076 --> 00:18:53,776
Oh.
475
00:18:57,314 --> 00:19:00,149
Thank you.
476
00:19:00,217 --> 00:19:02,652
Shine bright like a diamond.
477
00:19:02,719 --> 00:19:04,387
Thank you so much.
478
00:19:04,454 --> 00:19:07,390
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
479
00:19:07,457 --> 00:19:08,758
I had killed it,
480
00:19:08,826 --> 00:19:10,593
but no amount of new friend requests
481
00:19:10,661 --> 00:19:11,961
could replace the one person
482
00:19:12,029 --> 00:19:13,763
who had unfriended me in real life.
483
00:19:13,831 --> 00:19:15,364
Told you you could do it.
484
00:19:17,034 --> 00:19:19,802
Hey. You showed up.
485
00:19:21,405 --> 00:19:25,408
And what happened to me
not needing you anymore?
486
00:19:25,475 --> 00:19:26,576
Are you kidding?
487
00:19:26,643 --> 00:19:28,244
You didn't sign Linda's birthday card
488
00:19:28,312 --> 00:19:29,812
because your nails were wet.
489
00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:33,549
What about the tardiness
and the petty-cash fraud?
490
00:19:33,617 --> 00:19:36,953
Not to mention your tendency
to use emojis in work memos.
491
00:19:37,921 --> 00:19:39,388
Your rudeness to children.
492
00:19:39,456 --> 00:19:40,223
Hey.
493
00:19:40,290 --> 00:19:41,424
Constant gum-chewing.
494
00:19:41,491 --> 00:19:43,192
And that landline I gave you,
495
00:19:43,260 --> 00:19:45,962
which has been off the
hook for at least 24 hours.
496
00:19:46,029 --> 00:19:46,863
Oh, God.
497
00:19:46,930 --> 00:19:48,931
I'm sorry.
498
00:19:48,999 --> 00:19:50,066
Come on.
499
00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:57,473
Thank you.
500
00:19:57,527 --> 00:20:00,095
Sync & corrections by madhatters
www.addic7ed.com
501
00:20:00,170 --> 00:20:02,204
Aah. Aah.
502
00:20:02,272 --> 00:20:04,340
I heard someone in here
503
00:20:04,407 --> 00:20:06,362
has a burning pee-pee!
504
00:20:07,911 --> 00:20:10,213
You're not a child.
505
00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:11,881
But I acted like one.
506
00:20:13,584 --> 00:20:15,251
Did Henry send you?
507
00:20:15,319 --> 00:20:16,285
No.
508
00:20:18,822 --> 00:20:21,858
I want to apologize for
writing those stupid reviews.
509
00:20:21,925 --> 00:20:24,427
Well... Thank you.
510
00:20:26,063 --> 00:20:29,632
And I'm gonna make it up to you
by writing a new one that says
511
00:20:29,700 --> 00:20:32,068
you reconstructed my oopsy and
gave me one of your kidneys.
512
00:20:32,136 --> 00:20:33,836
Please, don't do that.
513
00:20:33,904 --> 00:20:36,205
False reviews of any kind
are a strict breach of...
514
00:20:36,273 --> 00:20:38,541
Even if they come from the
Urine-versity of Southern Bladderfornia?
515
00:20:38,609 --> 00:20:40,543
Especially if they come from
516
00:20:40,611 --> 00:20:43,413
the Urine-versity of
Southern Bladderfornia.
517
00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:45,648
Ah.
518
00:20:45,716 --> 00:20:47,750
Now, if you will excuse me,
519
00:20:47,818 --> 00:20:50,319
I have some actual patients to see.
520
00:20:50,387 --> 00:20:51,120
Yeah.
521
00:20:52,523 --> 00:20:53,423
Bye.
522
00:20:53,490 --> 00:20:55,058
And that's when I realized...
523
00:20:55,125 --> 00:20:57,493
Julia and I may never be friends,
524
00:20:57,561 --> 00:21:00,129
but at least I was the bigger person.
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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