Original subtitles

- Damn.

- Mr. Kenneth McIver, I presume.

- That's right, who are you?

- Tarcole Farker McFarquar,

international capitalist and at your service.

Cigar, sir?

- Ashtray please.

- You're not smoking, Mr. McIver.

That is a havana. - Thank you.

- It's not the cigar, Mr. McFarquar.

Oh, you're confused by all this.

- Well, yes I am.

- It's very straight forward.

Ava has put the common dandy into

a very deep hypnotic trance.

He let us in, he'll let us out again.

A hypnotic trance?

- Ava, Ms. Grim had a very successful stage act

before she and I became lovers, but I digress.

Let's talk about you.

How long are you in for?

I'm sorry.

- 130 years and that's time off for good behavior.

- Ah, you're clearly not a man that's

enjoyed the best of luck, Mr. McIver.

We all have the odd downturn

in fortunte now and then.

- Of course we do.

My brother, all I ever wanted to do

was prove that I was better than him, Mr. McFarquar.

The way to do it was clearly by material success

and quickly, so I left home with the intentions

of becoming a cat burglar in the playgrounds

of the rich and famous.

I read up on safes and in theory there wasn't a safe I

couldn't open, but I never gave a moments thought to dogs.

- Dogs?

- In the first house I ever burgled there were these

.

When the surgeons took my leg off I knew

I could never be a cat burglar.

So I spent my time in prison reading up on explosives.

Here in my next spell in prison I did some serious thinking

and decided a change in scenery might bring a change

in fortune, not that I'm unluckier than the next man.

- No. - So, I came to

South America and I came across this bank.

Well, I cased it and I cased it until I found a way in,

through the air conditioning system.

When the emergency services got there,

they could only get me out through the

floor of the house above.

When no one answered the door, they just broke it in.

The owner was at home, Mr. McFarquar.

The owner was the state president and he'd

been using the house as a love nest.

When the story got out, the government fell.

- But 130 years, Mr. McIver.

- The judge at my trial was the ex-President's brother.

- Ah, and um ... - Ah, I got that here

in the exercise yard. - A knife fight.

- No, no, I got a piece of grit in eye

and instinctually tried to rub it away.

- Ah, the sort of thing that could happen to anyone

with a hook. - I prefer to call it

Now, can I ask why you're here?

- As I said, Mr. McIver, I'm an international capitalist,

but despite my great wealth,

I'm as much a prisoner as you are.

Only while you are locked in, I'm locked out.

- Out of where? - Out of Scotland, Mr. McIver.

Out of my native land, the land

I love as much as life itself.

You see, when I was a lad I too was desperate to get that

first foothold on the ladder of success

and I did so by embezzling a few million pounds

from the financial institution I worked for.

But I left clues, damning evidence

and there's been a warrant out for my arrest ever since,

but over the years I've managed to compensate

for the loss of my homeland. - How?

- By buying things, things Scottish.

Now, a few days ago, I had myself a shoe shine on the

capital city of this country and the shoe shine boy,

one peppy Gonzalez spotted me for a Scotsman

and he told me how there was a fellow countryman

of mine in prison, one Kenneth McIver.

- I remember Pepe Gonzalez. - And do you remember

the story you told him, Mr. McIver?

Of how the stone of destiny itself is hidden near

your native village of Long Due?

- I told Pepe that story.

- Could it possibly be true, Mr. McIver?

The coronation stone of the old Scottish kings?

The Lee of Fail, the stone of scoon, the stone of destiny,

Mr. McIver, could it possibly be true?

- As true as you and I are standing here, Mr. McFarquar.

- And for half a million pounds, 50 grand up front

and the rest on delivery, could you get me the stone

of destiny, Mr. McIver?

Half a million, Kenneth McIver, and you get

to walk out of here now, a free man.

- Five people share the knowledge

of the stone's whereabouts.

Each one was given a line of verse,

a clue to the location, but not me.

I was never told, oh no, I was never good enough.

But I can lead you to them.

I was there, I saw it all.

- Sons and daughter, underneath that cloth

is a most precious part of your country's regalia.

It was torn from Scotland, stolen from our blessed soil

by the English in 1296, but brought back here

by we five a few years ago.

- On with it Colonial, you're frightening

the life out of them. - Clay's right.

This is the stone of destiny children.

We brought it back during the war and buried it

until we could decide what to do with it.

- And after much debate, we decided on a resting place

for the stone. - And we all agree that you,

our children, should share the

secret of the stone's location.

Lachlan McCrae, Peregrin Rodrick McClain,

Rory Campbell and Anne.

- Now commit to memory what you find in your envelope

and never, ever, ever, ever discuss the

contents amongst yourselves or with any other person.

Only when the time is right can the location

of the stone be revealed, only when Scotland becomes

a nation once again, only then.

- Colonial, maybe they would like to see what

they're protecting first.

- There's left to be no solemnity here.

- Hi John, how ya doing? - Oh, I'm just having

a bit of a clear out.

- I see, so where you been the past couple of days?

People are worried about you, you know.

- Oh, I've been out walking mainly.

- What's wrong?

- These are things I'd like you to have, Hamish.

There's more inside that you can give to those concerned

when the time comes. - Time?

I'm not with you, John.

- I'm going to die soon.

I felt it for a few days now.

- Ah, die?

You been to see Doc Brown? - No, no doctors.

I just feel I'm near the end of my time here.

- No, no I'm sorry, wait a minute.

I'm not listening to this, I don't need this.

- Hanish. - Look, nobody can know

that, John, nobody.

I don't want any of this.

- Hamish. - Now you just listen to me,

I want you back in there tomorrow.

I want you doing the things you've always done

and I don't want to hear anymore talk about dying, okay.

- Well of course I'll come in,

but it'll make no difference you know.

- I've heard you say. - I'll try not to mention it.

- Good, you're good.

I see you at the Stagg. - Right.

Maybe even cook you dinner.

- Dinner, ahh.

- Okay. - Hamish.

- Good. - It's all psychological

really, isn't it?

We were all talking about curses and witch doctors

in school and the teacher said you could only die from

a curse if you believe in it.

- I don't know, Frankie.

I love John McIver like my own.

If he says he's going to die, he's going to die.

- But TVJohn stick to the paranormal.

And if we can help him forget about that,

then we solve the problem. - You get yourself

on up that hill boy, leave the problem solving to us.

- Thank you. - Crystal sugar, Hamish,

the finishing touch. - Crystal sugar, okay.

- Are under way then?

- John McIver loves his plumb duff boy?

- God, can't we just get one off the pig?

- It's just not the same, Hamish.

- Of course not, just the thought of all those

additives gives me the willies.

- Rudy, are you coming in? - Uh, right away dearest.

- It's all to do with belief systems.

It's what John believes in, that's the problem.

- You think he could actually believe himself to death.

- Oh yes.

- What I don't understand is, if he things he's going to die

why hasn't he been to see me about the arrangements?

- Okay, Junior. - Well, it's never too early

to plan for that final journey.

- Oh, it's the man himself.

- Evening. - Good evening, John.

- Good evening, John. - Esme.

- John, care to join us?

Agnes has been way too generous with the coq au vin.

- Oh, another time perhaps, Rory.

I'm having dinner with Hamish tonight.

God help us. - Missing you already.

- Missing you already?

- It's an Americanism dear.

It's like, have a nice day.

- It has unfortunate connotations, Rory.

- Oh. - And tell me, what do you

use those things for, Lachie Junior?

- These are for reaching the places

that other forceps can't, Barney.

- Good evening, John.

And what can I get for you?

- Just the usual, Agnes. - The usual, John McIver.

You're a friend as well as a valued customer

and in recognition of that fact,

Barney and I have decided that you can have any

drink you want and for free.

In fact, we've decided that you'll never have

to pay for another drink in this bar.

- Well, that's very generous of you both.

I think I'll have a nip of something around 12 years old.

- Just you stay where you are.

- You know, these instruments have barely changed

since ancient times, since the Egyptians discovered

their mummification techniques.

- Mummification, you surely, don't--

- No, no there's not demand,

but I could if I was asked.

It's just a case of knowing which bits to suck

out and which concoctions to pump in.

- Fascinating.

What's that used for? - This is for the pumping in

or if we put it in reverse, the sucking out.

- Fascinating.

What do you say, John?

- Oh, fascinating.

- Mind you, you do get your difficult corpses.

- Difficult corpses?

- Oh yes, tall men are especially problematic.

Take a man like TVJohn here, well

there's no coffin would fit a man that tall.

Tall men are torture. - And what do you do in

the circumstances? - Well, that's when the old

rigormortus comes in nice and handy, Agnes.

You see, the limbs become nice and brittle,

easy to break. - Break?

- Just the legs, then all you do is tuck them up

under the deceased, pin to the bottom of the coffin

and anybody looking at him is none the wiser.

In the trade it's known as the taluse la trick method.

- Sounds a bit dire, does it not?

And how do you actually break the legs, Lachie Junior?

- There are many methods, Agnes, but I prefer this myself.

- Excuse me.

- I think you've hit the spot. - Good.

- I see Hamish has been talking, heh.

- Come on, what it's sick.

Would you expect him to be any other way?

- No. - So, you're quite sure

about this then? - Oh, I'm sure.

- Do you know when? - Not exactly, but it'll

be a smell.

You know, the pomade. - Pomade.

Can I say three things while there's still time, John?

- Of course you can. - First, I'm going

to miss you John and second

when you get to where it is you're going,

if you happen to bump into my Maudie,

tell her I still love her and tell her that the

boy has turned out well. - And the third thing?

- You're not forgetting you've got some information

to pass on before you go? - How could I forget that?

I've decided to tell Hamish.

- I thought he might the one.

- Please just let me take care of the luggage

and you go on inside. - They don't make things the

way they used to. - If you say so.

- Well they don't and as for that overhead lugger on

the plane, how was I to know my duty free would

come flying out like that? - It'll clear up,

I'm not concerned.

Now please just go inside.

- Tastes excellent, thanks Hamish.

Plumb duff has always been my favorite.

- It's no problem.

You know I've been telling myself I need to be a bit

more experienced in the kitchen

and a bit more varied in my approach.

- Oh, well that's no bad thing for a man that's

going to be on his own. - Oh, John.

- Oh no, I wasn't on about that.

I was talking in general, no woman in your life I mean.

- Yeah. - You know it's my one great

regret, never having married.

You take it from me, you should grasp that nettle.

- What? - Well, you and Isabel man.

The whole world can see that all that's needed

is for one of you to take the initiative.

- Ah, maybe. - Well, there's no

maybe about it.

Incidentally, I have a favor to ask.

- Anything.

- I fancy a bit of hell walking,

will you come with me. - Sounds fine to me.

- Ah, good.

Go on with you, get back in.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

- Have you lost something? - My pendent.

Ah, there it is.

It was my mother's and I'd hate to lose it.

- May I?

It looks very beautiful. - Yes, I think so too.

Sometimes, when I'm tense I find it helps

me to relax if I just and look at it sparkling.

Sometimes it's simply so soothing,

I just drift off into the deepest of sleeps.

You can ask as many questions as you like.

- And a fax from Ms. Grimm, sir.

- What does it say?

- And the young go to bask in the sun.

- And the young go to bask in the sun?

- Let's try a piece to camera from here.

- Right.

- Okay? - Just a second.

- Ready? - Yeah, ready.

- Hold that.

- There we are, it's just a matter of patience.

- Ah, it's a fine display, Rory.

- It's eye catching.

- Thank you men, in total that took me one

hour and 20 minutes to achieve,

- Well, well, well, well, well.

The gang's all here. - Kenneth?

- I am the very same brother.

This is Ms. Ava Grimm, my business associate.

Ava, this is my brother, John and Rory Campbell

and Lachlin McCrae.

I don't know who the brat is. - Brat?

- Be quiet, Frankie.

- Kenneth.

- Well it's very nice to see you again, Kenny.

- Nice to see what's left of him,

it looks like he's been on the wrong end of

spare part surgery. - Frankie.

Nice to see you again, Kenneth.

- Kenneth. - You've already said

that a number of times, brother.

- Kenneth. - Please let's have no

displays of phony affection.

- Phony?

It's been 35 years, mate. - Has it, well I hadn't

noticed, but I wouldn't would I?

Not being a busy as I was, busy becoming the

success I always said I would be.

Now, Ms. Grimm and I are staying at the lodge

and I would be grateful if you could provide

us with supplies for two days.

You can keep the change. - This article can't be

your brother TVJohn, it can't be.

- TV? - It was the first man who

- That's your claim to fame,

is it?

The first man in the village to have a television set.

Ah, I think that is pretty pathetic,

don't you think so, Ms Grimm?

- I have no view on the matter.

- No?

Oh, I think it speaks volumes about this

insignificant scarecrow and the rest of the hicks

that inhabit this place.

Is it any wonder that a man like myself had to leave.

Only a lobotomy could have kept me here.

- Ah, well you were always a smart one,

right enough Kenneth.

Remember, Rory? - I remember.

I take my hat off to you Kenneth.

You appear to be a great success indeed.

And despite young Frankie spotting right off

that your famous bad luck stayed with you.

- Bad luck?

I have no more bad luck than the next man.

- What was it we used to call Kenneth, Lachlin?

What with my lobotomy and everything it slipped my mind.

- Ah, Jonah, wasn't it? - I am not a Johah.

I'm a success, look at me, look at you.

I am a success, I am not a Jonah.

I do not suffer from bad luck.

- Major, Major McClain.

- What, what happened to me?

- I was wondering if he knows what I know.

No, I'm just musing.

Can we take that walk tomorrow, Hamish?

- Yeah, sure.

- Kenneth was always such a bright boy,

but our parents always made more of a fuss of me.

They were very proud of my physic gifts you know

and Kenneth came to resent that.

- Well, that's not uncommon.

You'd think he mellowed a bit after 35 years.

- No, I always suspected that Kenneth had physic

powers far greater than my own, a whole lot of bitterness--

- Is that Isabel?

- What is this?

I had a message, Hamish he said you were seriously ill.

- I'm okay.

Isabel, it's alright, calm down.

There's nothing the matter with me, I'm okay, I'm alright.

- That's what it said. - I know, I'm alright though.

There you go. - Thanks.

- Do you not think to check things out first?

- Check, I didn't take the call.

The message said you were at death's door.

Do you want me to paint a picture, Hamish?

- No, I'm sorry. - Did the caller leave a name?

- No, no I just supposed it was someone from here.

You know, someone who knew us.

I was out at a job down by the bridge,

I'd only just set up.

I just dropped everything and left then all in a lurch.

- Hello again. - Ms. Grimm, a fine evening.

- Yes, it is.

- Look in the place where the monarchs soars.

Look in the place where the monarchs soar

and the young go to bask in the sun.

Place where the monarch soars.

The monarch soars and the young go the bask in the sun.

The young in the sun. - I'm going mad, mad.

- You're not mad, you've had a bit of a turn, that's all.

- He was just standing there, Doctor,

with this fatal look in this eyes.

- I'm going mad, I know it.

- It's just as if he'd been zombified.

As if all the vital juiced had been drawn off him.

- What are you doing?

- Never you mind, Ms. Grimm.

If our little ruse has worked,

Ms. Isabel Sullon should be in the vicinity by now.

Wouldn't you say? - Yes.

- I wonder what she'll have to tell us.

- Hamish?

Hamish?

- She's very distressed doctor,

when I found her she was just staring into space.

She must have been there all night.

- Isabel, what's happened? - I don't know, I don't know.

I've been trying to remember,

I just can't, I can't remember.

- Isabel, listen, I don't think there's anything

to worry about, the same things has already

happened to Rory and the Major and they've both recovered.

They've both come out of it.

- Where's Hamish? - I don't know.

- Well, he should be here. - He'll be here

when he finds out what's happened.

- You can be sure of it. - He should be here.

- Time for a brew I think.

- Look in the place where the curtain roars, roars.

Look in the place where the monarchs soars

and the young go to bask in the sun.

Sun, look in the place where the curtain roars.

- This is the life, heh? - It's a grand day alright.

- Are we headed anywhere in particular?

- Peabrook Falls.

- Right.

- Here's something I'd like you to read.

- Lochdubh invaded by military police.

- Well, it was 1942, they'd come to round up Uan McIver,

my father, along with Ferguson McClain,

Hector Campbell, Angus McCrae and John Fenderson.

That was Isabel's grandfather.

On a count of them being AWOL. - They were all in the

run at the same time? - That's right.

You see, they'd come up north with the stone of destiny.

- What?

- I think you heard me, Hamish.

- John, the stone of destiny is in West Minister Abbey

underneath the coronation chair as far as I know.

- No, no that's a fake Hamish.

A copy made by Lachlan's father, Angus.

- You are winding me up, right?

- No, well you know what these McCrae's are like.

They can turn their hearts to anything.

- No, no, no I mean this whole conversation, John.

- Then no again, what happened was

during the war the stone was removed

from the Abbey and hidden, then a plan was sent

to the Canadian Prime Minister for safe keeping.

Just in case of invasion, you understand.

Well, as luck would have it, there was a young Scott's

Canadian Officer, some sort of far out relative

of the Majors on the distaff side.

Well, he saw the plan--

This young man just happens to bump into the major's father

at some sort of officer shindig and suggests

that they remove the stone and replace it with a replica.

Ferguson McClain then approached my father and the others

who instantly agreed to the scheme.

By all accounts their objective was easily achieved.

And they found the stone of destiny.

My father told me it was a full five minutes

before any man could speak.

They returned the copy McCrae made

and brought the real thing up here.

Clues to the stone's whereabouts

were put into verse by Hector Campbell.

Old McClain came up with this grand scheme where

each line of verse would be passed on to the eldest

in each family and they in turn would pass it

on to their children. - But no single one of

them knew. - Oh, well I knew.

My father thought the scheme dangerously complicated

and just came right out and told me where it was.

It's Latin, roughly translated it reads

a fate grow kind, where this stone is found

the Scott's shall monarchs of that rail be kind.

Could you give me a hand please, Hamish?

- Oh my God, it's beautiful.

- It's actually very plain Hamish,

it's the light in here that flatters it so.

They say it is thousands of years old

and that it was brought across Europe by the Celtic peoples.

The stone of destiny, the coronation stone of the

ancient Scottish kings. - Why me?

- I have no one else to tell, Hamish.

- What am I going to do now? - Nothing, just pass on the

information to your children when the time comes.

The stone can lie here until all the people want it.

You know what I mean?

- I know what you mean.

But about the stone in the Abbey,

I mean the fake, what if they say to give it back.

- I think if they had decided to give it back,

I would have known about it, Hamish.

So you'll keep the secret then?

- What do you think?

- Good man.

doesn't mean I'm accepting this dying nonsense.

- Well, you've made that abundantly clear, Hamish.

Now come on, you can come back and see it anytime you like.

- I don't believe this.

- Look in the place where the monarchs soars

and the young come to bask in the sun.

Look in the place where the monarchs soars

and the young come to bask in the sun.

Look in the place where the curtain roars,

dee dum, dee dum, dee dum.

Look in the place where the monarch soars,

the monarch the kind of fish, yes.

Oh yes.

- Oh yes, that poor family's relief was palpable

when I arrived on the scene.

Arrived and took charge, yes I am a happy chappy.

I've got Jean and I've got my profession.

Now I know some people may think it's a bit

of a morbid occupation, but that is entirely

the wrong perspective to take.

What I am, is a wrong, a shining beacon in that

sea of grief and that requires a certain quality.

A cool head when confronted by that grim reaper.

Are you listening to me?

You haven't said a word since I came in.

Daddy, daddy.

- Something's wrong with Isabel, sorry John.

- Oh, 30 years, I've been working with horses

for 30 years and I've never been bitten before.

- Well, there is a first time for everything, Mr. Finley.

Now you just console yourself

while I have a word with my partner.

- Where winter steps can be clump.

That's what he said.

Is that a word, clump?

- Who actually cares, Ms. Grimm.

I know where the stone is.

Look in the place where the monarchs soar

and that's the salmon, they swim up waterfalls.

Where the young come to bask in the sun.

This place where we children

would go to swim in hot summers.

Where the curtain roars, a waterfall again, Ms. Grimm.

And that dreadful line about winter steps,

sometimes when a foals froze you can climb right up it.

I know where the location is, Ms. Grimm.

I really do. - Why four horses?

- Because I say so, Ms. Grimm.

Now let's get ready.

- Think I'm going to go, if everything's okay.

- Yeah, much better now.

- Also tell me how upset were you

when you got that phone message?

- Well, I was upset. - I know, but more than just

"Oh, poor Hamish?"

More than just that kind of upset?

Isabel? - Yes?

Why wouldn't it be?

You're one of my closest friends, Hamish.

One of my closest friends.

- Good to know. - Do you want another drink?

Or we could go to the Stagg Bar.

- Aren't we here?

Stagg Bar it is, come on.

- We don't need that. - Oh, yes we do.

- Of course, of course.

- Do you think he'll come out of this, Doc?

- Probably, yes I'm sure Lachie.

I think I know what we're dealing with here.

- What's that do?

- Ah, ah hah.

- Kenneth?

and come collect the stone of destiny.

- What? - Stone of destiny.

Watch my lips, stone of destiny.

- What your brother means, Mr. McIver

is that he's going to sell the stone to M--

- Oh, I think you've got a midgy on your eyelid, Ms. Grimm.

Well they go absolutely everywhere, you know.

Lips, nostrils, ears, oh everywhere.

Oh, but about the stone brother,

and just so you know, Ms. Grimm's gentleman friend

has offered me top dollar for that outsized brick.

Top, top dollar. - You know I can never

tell you where the stone is, Kenneth.

- Oh, would you listen to him Ms. Grimm.

He thinks I've come for directions.

I know where the stone is brother.

Look in the place where the curtain roars,

dee dum, dee dum, dee dum.

Even by old Hector Campbell standards

that is one terrible set of verses.

Where winter steps can be clum, God almighty.

If you know where the stone is, why have you come here?

- Don't you know brother and you with your physic gifts.

And take a guess brother, take a guess.