Original subtitles

- Auntie Jean.

Auntie Jean.

- Cant think of anything else.

Frankie?

- I've got everything I need.

I'm sorry about this Auntie Jean.

And I'm sorry about phoning Tuska.

But he's my best pal after all.

I had to tell him where we're going.

- Oh I know come one everything's gonna be fine.

Get down.

- I'd say the birds have flown Tam.

- Check that, that's young Frankie right.

And that's probably his best pal right.

Get to the point.

- Who did you trust most when you were that age?

- My mother.

- Apart from your mother.

- My best pal, Tam there.

Right so if young Frankie Brice

has took a powder, what's the betting

he told his best pal where he was off to?

- Andy might be right.

- Sure I'm right, and I think I know

where we can lay our hands on the best pal.

- Where?

- The Community Center.

It has ping pong right, right?

- Nothing changes aye?

We're staring at social collapse.

We're living in a place where a national insurance dump

is realer than a penny black and what's the solution?

Let them play ping pong.

- Well actually there's more to it than just Ping Pong Tam.

I mean that place has got personal computers

so the kids can learn keyboard skills.

- And what are they gonna do with these keyboard skills?

See if the best pal does know anything.

- Sorry to put you through this trouble Isobel.

I didn't know where else to turn.

- Jean it's no trouble.

Hamish will know to do.

- Chop that up and I'll make some bellinis.

- Hey, do you mind by the way?

You're not making my bellini with that knife.

- What's stopping me?

- I think Joe's objecting on the grounds of hygiene Tony.

I think he's remembering the last thing

you chopped up with that knife.

- Joe and Andy are right.

There could be microscopic traces of

the late Mr. Brice on that chopper Tony.

And even microscopic traces of that thieving scumbag

could tint the bellinis, here use this.

- Can I ask something, what is a bellini?

- Champagne and a slice of peach.

- You get them in Harry's Bar in Venice.

Oh Venice, I only ever go to Benidorm.

Benidorm.

- Have I said something wrong?

- You don't think Benidorm's just a wee bit well tacky Andy?

- You know what I mean, the sort of

type of people that go to these resorts.

I'm thinking about going to Tibet this year.

You're welcome to tag along if you want.

- Tibet, what are the beaches like?

- I don't know, but I bet they won't be

as crowded as the ones in Benidorm.

- We've got company.

Morning.

- Morning.

Some rig.

Thought I'd stop and take a look, hope you don't mind.

- Not at all Constable, I'm Tam Flood,

this is Tony McCreary, Andy Glass, and Joe Scrimegour.

- Pleased to meet you, Constable Macbeth.

- Macbeth aye, to be or not to be that is the question.

- Matter of fact that's Constable Hamlet.

He's up in Ullapool.

Mind if I take a look?

Morning Lachlan.

- Alistair.

- Oh she's a beauty alright.

- Thanks.

So you're based on this Lochdubh then Mr. Macbeth?

- Yeah that's right.

- Bet you get a lot of tourists through here.

- Oh thousands.

- I thought so.

- And they all have a really nice time,

long as they don't cause any bother.

My colleagues and I are businessman Constable.

- I knew what you where the minute I sawy you Mr. Flood.

- Hey Tam, I think he knows who

we are and what we're here for.

- I think you might be right.

But unless he can prove it there's nothing he can do.

- What do you think it is Auntie Jean?

- How should I know, just wait and see.

- Did no one ever tell you it's bad manners to stare?

- Sorry?

- You've been staring at Jean.

- Oh I must have been daydreaming about something.

- I'm sure you were.

- Is this some sort of of Highland custom Mr. McCrae?

You give people boiler suits as presents?

- This is no ordinary boiler suit young Frankie.

This is the company uniform of McCrae and McCrae

funeral directors and general handymen.

You see these used to belong to the Lachie Junior here.

So I've had to take a wee tuck in the sleeves

and the legs like, but I think it will fit you just fine.

And look here.

And partner,

That's you Frankie.

- Partner, are you saying I'm in employment Mr. McCrae?

- If you want the job.

- Want it, Auntie Jean I'm a working man.

Is this permanent Mr. McCrae?

- The job's yours boy for as long as you want it.

- Auntie Jean?

- That's a generous offer Frankie.

We don't belong here you know that.

We're guests that's all.

Ah maybe your Auntie's right to be

cautious about Lochdubh Frankie.

Now see this is a fine area to live in,

but it does have its drawbacks.

There's always been a chronic shortage

of women for one thing and unless a man's

quick off his mark he'll spend

many a long night in a cold bed before

blessed death comes knocking at his door.

- Is there something wrong father?

- What?

- Well you look as though you're

about to have a fit or something.

- Aye Junior.

- McCrae and McCrae funeral directors.

Everything's fine.

I'll let them know Hamish, thank you.

Hamish.

They're here.

Thank you Barney.

- Major.

- How's your history of Lochdubh coming along Major?

- Slowly, acting very sweet.

- Hemingway said writing was like trying to break rocks.

- If it wanted his rocks broken

he should have tried the grocery trade.

No no no, the records say that

a skirmish took place on Cairn Hill after the 45.

Now I have never heard of that place.

Me neither.

- Just about every hill in

the district's got a cairn built on it.

- No no you'll probably find that Cairn Hill

is the one hill without a cairn on it Barney.

- How so Ferdinand?

- Your old Lochdubhians had a highly developed

sense of irony Major, the one hill without a cairn on it

is the one they'd call Cairn Hill.

- That makes sense, I mean I've often

wondered about the Devils Hump.

- Don't forget about Wee McPhee.

- Precisely TV John Wee McPhee's a perfect example.

- Who the hell was Wee McPhee?

- Wee McPhee was a bad hat Barney, very bad hat something...

Yes gentlemen?

- I'd like four malts please, single.

Your very best.

- Barney.

- Hello I'm Andy.

What's your name by the way?

- He's a terrible man for the ladies.

- Really well this should be interesting.

His friend says he's a terrible one for the ladies Esme.

- Esme?

Ignore them Esme's a lovely name.

Can I buy you a drink Esme?

- It's a very kind offer Andy, but one I'll have to decline.

I'm here with Mr. Campbell we're

stepping out together you see.

- Stepping out.

And which one of these gentleman is Mr. Campbell?

- That would be me Sir.

Rory Campbell local grocer, my card.

- I don't want your card Mr. Campbell, I want Esme.

Now what are you going to do about that?

- Do, I'm not going to do anything at all.

You see I'm what they call a 90's guy Andy.

And if Esme prefers you to me then so be it.

She is her own person.

And you are very pretty.

Don't you think he's pretty major?

- Yes yes these looks would have been

very popular in the desert during

those long desert nights when we soldier boys

huddled up and exchanged body heat.

- Aye Major, Andy would have had lots and lots of friends.

- What you saying about me?

- They're just saying that you're pretty Andy, and you are.

Unfortunately I've never been

attracted by superficial qualities.

No I've always been drawn more by a man's sexual energy.

Andy if sexual energy generated light,

Mr. Campbell here could illuminate a small city.

He could matter of fact.

Agnes what does your instinct tell

you about Andy's sexual energy?

- That it couldn't put a faint glow in a 40 watt bulb.

- Shut it you.

- Sorry sir but I have this image in my head

of Rory they're wired up to the national grid.

I wasn't laughing at you or your friends.

- You're a liar, I'll do you in.

You laugh at us once more and I'll do you in.

- Do me in?

Can anybody smell pomade?

No.

- No smell of pomade?

No.

- Oh well that's good news for me.

But I'm afraid it's bad news for you sir.

Here have an egg.

And another.

- Whoa bravo.

- And another.

Well blow me it's not working.

Let the man go John.

- I'll let him go Hamish when he

apologizes for being a nuisance.

- Mr. Flood.

- I'm torry.

- There you go John you heard the man.

He said he was torry.

You and your friends wait in the car for Mr. Flood.

And you wait in the Land Rover okay.

- Where did he get off it, the eggs?

Did anybody see?

- He must of have had them in his pocket.

- Will you shut up about the eggs?

What about my nose?

- What about my manhood?

- I don't know Tam.

You said if we put pressure on these people

they would hand over Jean Foley and the boy.

- Aye, it's true you did Tam.

- I know what I said, and it'll work.

- But Tam how can we pressure people

that aren't scared of us?

They're all loonies.

I mean you can't do me in

because there's no smell of pomade.

That's not rational talk Tam.

- It's just a set back right.

So we up the ante, we'll do one of the men in.

We'll do in the egg man.

You and Tony come back here tonight.

You follow the egg man and then you do him in.

- Sorry about your nose Mr. Flood.

- Forget it.

- Very wise, I tell you gents I do my best

to keep the peace in this town but I'm only one man.

- Well you've got my sympathies Constable.

They're all nutters.

- That's probably 'cause they're all related Mr. Scrimegour.

One big happy family.

What?

- In breeding.

- And there's a lot of that around here is there?

- Well put it this way.

There's cars in this town where hair

is growing underneath the mud flaps.

Don't upset these people.

- Those men are criminals Hamish, drugs, extortion.

- Shut up.

- Where are we doing?

- Nauthan.

- I met Isobel Sutherland in Glasgow Mr. McIver.

I'd help set up a community center where we lived

and Isobel's paper sent her to cover the opening.

We became friends.

When Flood and his men came after us,

Isobel suggested we come here.

- And what do they want these men?

- Money, Frankie's father worked for Flood.

- Until he went and ripped him off Mr. McIver.

- For a 208,000 pounds.

- Next thing I'm at school and my dad comes up.

I mean we hardly even know each other

on account him be well a dodgy character.

So you can imagine my surprise

when he tells me is off to live in Amsterdam.

He shoves this bag of money at me for my future.

- 104,000 pounds.

Tell them what you did then.

- I knew where that money came from Mr. McIver.

It was ground out of people in one way or another.

So I couldn't use it for personal things.

So I wondered what to do it, when Tuska said--

- Who's Tuska?

- Tuska Gray, my pal.

Him and me were doing this project on charity.

When Tuska said we had the chance to do something practical.

- Like make some charitable donations.

- 52 donations Mr. McIver,

of 2,000 pounds to 52 different charities.

- I know 2000's not a fortune these days Mr. McIver.

But it's the thought that counts right?

- Oh absolutely.

- Anyway, it seems that Flood and his crew caught up

with Mr. Brice, found out what he'd done with the money.

- Hamish suggested Nauthan instead a Lochdubh.

- I phoned Tuska to say I was coming to Lochdubh to lie low.

Well I couldn't just leave him Mr. McIver.

People worry, especially Tuska, we've been pals for years.

- Hamish.

- And there you have it.

So we don't go prodding these people with sticks.

And we don't go to twisting their nose.

- Did you really twist Floods nose Mr. McIver?

- I did.

- Then they'll come after you.

- Good, because if they do

they'll be leaving you alone won't they?

- You're not scared?

- No why should I be scared when there's no smell of pomade?

- Pomade?

- Hair oil, but that's a wee something

that I don't like to go into too deeply Frankie.

Just let Flood come, just let him try.

- Don't miss

- I won't miss.

- Find somewhere outside to stash the guns.

When this is done we'll certainly be questioned.

They might even hit us with a search warrant.

- What happened to your wife Mr. McCrae?

- Well she died Frankie,

shortly after Lachie Junior was born.

- Same as my mom only I was ten.

That's when I went to stay with my Auntie Jean.

Mr. McCrae what exactly will I be doing as a partner?

- Everything and anything boy.

Flexibility you see that is the key

to success in modern business.

- Do you think I'll be strong enough?

- Strong enough, I'll have you built

like a gorilla in no time flat boy.

- That boiler suit looks far

too big for him don't you think?

- Frankie doesn't mind why should you?

Unless you're getting a bit jealous.

- He is my daddy Jean, not Frankie's.

And that was my boiler suit.

It's almost like I've never existed for him.

What's wrong?

- Nothing.

Maybe you'll come to regret taking us in Lachie.

- Oh I could never come to regret that Jean.

- Lachie seems pretty sweet on her.

- Yeah, smitten is the word.

Hamish is there nothing you can do about Flood?

- Well if he steps out of line he'll be sorry

he ever had to Lochdubh, if he steps out of line.

Meanwhile everybody just nods and smiles.

- Do you think you can rely on John McIver to nod and smile?

Yeah why not?

- I just didn't get that impression from him.

- Barney come and help here man.

- What is this then Mr. McCrae?

- Preparation young Frankie for the annual

McLopez sherry tasting extravaganza.

- You mean everybody comes along and sips sherry?

- Some of us sip, others guzzle 'til

they''re too blootered to remain upright.

- Do him.

Do him.

- John, John.

What's the matter?

- I heard a,

I thought I heard a shot, you okay?

- I'm perfectly fine.

Away you and make yourself a cup of tea.

I'm just overhauling some weapons for the Major.

He's barely a minute to himself these days

with all this historical research he's doing.

- Thought you were shot John.

Poachers?

I've been sitting here thinking Hamish,

thinking about Flood and those other rascals,

thinking they probably murdered that wee boy's father.

- Aye probably.

And thinking they would do the same

to the wee boy and his auntie if they

got a hold of them and find out the money was gone.

- You're right again.

- Not it's not right Hamish.

We know why they're here and what they're

capable of doing but we do nothing about it?

- What do you want me to do John,

get a rubber hose and beat Flood about the ears?

I'm being practical, the guys done nothing.

- Oh so we sit and wait until he does aye?

Wait and tell they harm the wee boy--

- No no no now wait a minute.

Flood doesn't even they're still in the area

so why should I alert him to that fact?

We play it calm and nobody gets hot.

Anyway I've already talked to Flood.

I've told them what a mess you all are.

I told them you're all dangerous and kind of inbred.

Sorry.

- Oh no there's an element of truth in that.

Well not the inbreeding of course for the dangerous bit.

Take Wee McPhee for example.

- Wee McPhee?

- Aye a bad bad man Hamish, just like Flood.

Well the villagers lured him into the bog

and that was the end of Wee McPhee.

- Wee McPhee's bog, when was that again?

- 1897.

- As recently as that?

- Oh nothing much changes around here Hamish.

And who do they think they are this Flood and his men

that they can go around snuffing out lives huh?

Who the hell do they think they are?

- Aye.

- So it's done aye?

- He's done him in, the egg man, he's done him in.

I had him in my sights,

I was ready to shoot,

then he disappeared.

Next thing he's in the woods a long ways from me,

strutting about like a dark shadow.

Next thing there's a shot.

Tony's mincemeat.

- Where's Tony, where is he?

- Look I got him in the boot of the car.

Good there, somebody gonna say a few words?

- I'll say one word.

Revenge, do you hear?

- Tam, I've been thinking about that egg man.

You know they called him TV John in the pub.

TV, that good stands for terribly violent.

- I don't care what it stands for.

- Anyway I'm more violent than him, and I'll prove it.

I'm gonna do him in personally.

That man was going to Tibet this year,

and now look where he is.

You buried him with his mobile.

He's still got his mobile.

- You want me to dig him up.

- Dig him up?

Well that's sick.

Whoever it is will ring off.

- Well what if it rings again Tam

some passing shepherd hears it?

- Do you see any sheep?

- No.

- Then why would there be a shepherd?

I'm not exhuming Tony McCreary, now come on.

- Aye.

Can I help?

- No I'm just finishing.

Trying to keep the place in some kind of order.

I'm thinking of trying to rent it out, or sell it.

I'd just rent it out.

- Yeah. - Oh sure.

- So how's Glasgow?

- It's good.

Yeah and possibly about to get even better.

I've got a couple of interviews coming up.

So you know fingers crossed.

Did you come round for a particular reason?

- Aye, just to say I had a word with John

and you were right, he's talking tough.

Getting on about this Wee McPhee character.

Do you know the story?

- Yeah.

- Well I'll be off then aye, keep the peace.

- Lasagna, court pie, and Lancashire hotpot.

- I can personally recommend the hotpot.

- And the three individual fruit pies.

- Microwavable?

- That's right.

- Now something for suppers?

- We don't have suppers.

- No suppers?

I never go to bed on an empty stomach no sir.

I always make sure there's a damn good feed beforehand.

Did you get it?

- Yeah I get it, it's disgusting.

- Oh well just trying to brighten your day.

But tell me something sir because I'm puzzled.

How come you're only buying three of everything

when there are four of you out there?

Economy drive is it?

- Thank You Mr. Campbell, thanks for phoning.

- Thanks Rory.

Maybe they're getting fed up Jean.

Drifting away one at a time.

- I think that's too much to hope for Lachie.

- Well it's a possibility.

Of course if they are giving up,

it would mean you and Frankie can move on.

- I suppose it would.

- But only if you want to of course.

I mean as far as I'm, well you can stay as long as you like.

- People might talk.

- Let them you'd be my guest that's all.

Not that I haven't noticed you in that way.

But I am capable of self restraint I can assure you Jean.

Oh yes.

- Well you know why should I want more Lachie?

To be just a guest I mean?

- No, no?

- Why shouldn't I not see you in that way?

- You mean you've noticed me in that way?

- Oh yes.

- That's the hearse washed Lachie, anything else I can do?

- You can wax it if you like Frankie.

- Will that take him long?

- Oh, some time yes.

- Then go and was it Frankie.

- Rifle.

I should have done it myself in the first place.

- Look.

My God lad, my God.

- This is my fault.

I should never of come here.

- If that were true how come I'm still glad you're here?

- Hamish said they might get away with it.

You think they will John?

- No I don't Frankie, not if I have anything to do with it.

Go and get your Auntie Jean.

Tell her I want to have a word with her.

- Thanks a lot guys.

And we'll be here if you want to speak to us again okay.

- You shot the wrong man.

- Anybody can make a mistake.

And what does it matter who I shot?

It's the affect we're after.

- He'll have us and again.

- Of course he will, look what's up with you two?

I mean what do you expect.

- It's just that things have a habit

of going wrong for us in this blessed town.

It's just that I'm beginning to feel

there's something about this place.

- Joe is right Tam.

Remember what that cop said, these people are all retards.

And we've just popped one of their members.

- One of their relatives.

- Will you stop going on about this place?

- It's him.

- I want to give you your money back.

- Didn't I say it wasn't your fate we were after?

Didn't I say?

- That's a tree.

Go there in hour and you'll find your money.

But if I'm not back with Auntie Jean

in five minutes you'll never see your money.

- Feel free, let me tell you this young Frankie Brice.

I'll be staying put, and if anything goes amiss.

Grab it.

- I heard the phone ringing.

The sound was coming from under the ground

and when I cleared the Earth away I found him Hamish.

I answered the phone and this man said

he had a load of gear to shift

and I said it was the Major and he just rang off.

Hamish why wouldn't you let me report this?

- Because I think I know who did it.

Pass us the phone Major aye.

- No, no change Hamish.

TV John?

He left ages ago.

He wanted to show Jean and Frankie Wee McPhee's bog.

Something about daft Wee but I just suppose, Hamish?

Hamish?

- No more than three sheep abreast, this is it.

Come on, let's go now.

- Joe, look Joe, the tree, the tree.

- I'm sinking give me a hand.

- I'm sinking as well.

Sinking!

- Oh isn't that a sight for sore eyes?

Drop your guns.

I've always wanted to say that.

- Get us out of here.

We're sinking.

- Of course you are, you're in the middle of the bog man.

Now Frankie you had something

you wanted to say to these gents.

- It was just that when the swamp waters

start bubbling up your nostrils

I would like you to think about something.

There's no money 'cause I spent it.

I'm afraid he's right.

- You can't leave us here, we'll die.

Mr. McCrae might die.

- That wasn't us, that was Flood, Flood did that.

- Mr. McIver can we go?

I don't want to watch this.

- Oh I think so Frankie.

I think we've heard enough.

- You can't do this, it's barbaric.

What kind of people are you?

- Joe, Andy.

- Tam, they're doing us in Tam.

Hurry Tam, they're doing us in.

Hamish, I was just coming to get you.

- No no no John, I'm coming to get you.

Who was in the car?

Scrimegour and Glass but we've taken care of them.

Right Frankie?

- Right.

- Just let you took care of McCreary?

- I don't know what you mean?

- I've got a dead body in my park

John and it's full of holes.

Now where are the men that were in the car?

- There in the Wee McPhee bog Hamish.

- This isn't happening.

You actually think you can go

about committing mass body murder?

- But Mr. Macbeth they're not dead.

And Mr. McIver did get them to admit

that Flood shot Lachlan, that was the whole idea.

- I did.

- Wee McPhee was actually over six foot tall

but being ironic the villagers called him Wee.

- Because he was tall,

about as tall as Scrimgeour and Glass.

- McPhee touched bottom when the bog

had only reached his nostrils.

- So the villagers just left him there

'til he starved to death Hamish.

- Hey John.

Tony McCreary?

- I never touched the man.

- Andy, I think I can feel something Andy.

I think it's a root or something.

Something to hold on to.

- Daddy?

- Who the hell else?

Daddy?

- Of course I'm your daddy.

What is all this?

- Daddy, you've been shot.

- Shot, in Lochdubh?

Never.

- Daddy.

- Where's McIver with that whiskey he went for?

- Joe, Andy they'll pay for this.

I'll make them pay!

They would have left us to die out there.

This is hell, I'm in hell.

- Well I told you what they were like Mr. Scrimegour.

- I demand to be taken to Inverness.

We're serious criminals, we should be in Inverness not here.

- Well you buys won't be going to Inverness, no no no.

I mean what have you done?

Flood told to check in on you two.

Now you'll be here for a couple of weeks yet.

- Weeks?

- We were with Flood, they'll come for us, the villagers.

- I'll do my best to keep you safe.

- You're only one man, you said it yourself.

- Tell me where Flood is and I'll see what I can do.

- We don't know where Flood is.

Listen.

If I admit to a serious crime will it take me to Inverness?

- Well it depends how serious it is.

- It's serious, I shot Tony McCleary.

- What?

- What?

- Accidentally.

Flood sent us to do in McIver.

I had him in my sights.

But when I tried to pull the trigger it wouldn't budge.

When Tony and me started back

I thought maybe I'd forgot to load up.

So I broke open the shooter, but it was loaded.

Then when I snapped it shut.

Tony?

You feel stupid don't you?

Shooting an associate?

So I came back and I said McIver did it.

Is that serious or what?

- Aye that's serious.

I thank you for your honesty Mr. Scrimegour.

I'll see what I can do about

getting you boys sent to Inverness.

- Apologies?

- Apologies.

You're a lucky man John McIver.

- Lucky, I wonder.

You see I have this recurring dream of my own death Hamish.

And just before the darkness comes

there's always a strong smell of pomade.

Well there was no smell of pomade

when they tried to kill me.

Maybe the gun didn't go off because

that's not how I meant to die.

- So if there's no strong smell of pomade you could

I don't know jump in front of a train and not get killed?

- I don't know, but I am not about to put it to the test.

- Pomade.

There we go.

- Major lovely to see you, I'm glad you're here.

Try this ma'am there's plenty more where that came from.

- Now that doesn't taste like sherry.

- I'm thinking of naming it el Lachlan this year

in honor of your father Lachie Junior.

- So well put Mr. McLopez.

- I'm sure that would speed up the recovery.

- Well you tell him we were all asking for him.

I'll see you later.

- So what do you think Frankie?

- I think I'm gonna enjoy it here Lachie.

- Jean?

- Oh I think so.

- Hey.

- Hi.

- Not dancing?

- Nah.

- You're worried about Flood?

- No he'll be miles away by now, I hope.

- I've found him boys.

Just like I said I would.

Easy Tam.

Easy.

Easy.

Oh no.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

Help, somebody.

Help.

Somebody.

Help.