Original subtitles

- Major?

- Oh, I'm looking for Constable Macbeth?

- This is Constable Macbeth.

- Hello.

You must be Constable Patterson?

- Oh, gosh,

I just wasn't quite sure to expect.

- I do hope you're not too disappointed.

No!

Absolutely not.

- Good.

Fetch in Constable Patterson's bags, will you, John?

Or should I call you Anne?

- Oh, Anne would be super.

- Well, Hamish would be super, too.

Come inside and I'll show you the old billet

- Right.

- Old billet?

You're going to blow this man.

- Hello?

- Hello?

Where's Major McClain?

- Still asleep.

Jet lag most likely.

- That's a new name for it.

Didn't know you could get jet lag coming from Tenner Reef.

- A woman who speaks her mind.

- That's right.

- This is all very plain.

- I've had no complaints from the Major.

- Perhaps I should lend a hand with the shopping in future.

- In future?

You're stopping for a while then?

- Oh forever, Perry and I are getting married.

Just as soon as it can be arranged.

- So what's she like?

- Well she seems a nice wee lassie.

A bit on the plain side for my taste.

- She seems pleasant enough to me.

I directed her to the police house.

- I can't wait to see the new model Hamish.

- Hey how's that looking John?

- I've got him looking like a tailors dummy Lochlan.

I've even given him a pipe.

To lend an ear of gravitas, you know?

- A pipe?

You're winding us up.

Cross my heart.

- Ah but what's in the pipe John?

- Oh don't you worry about that Barney.

When that WPC finishes her week's training

and writes up her notes on the experience

Constable Hamish MacBeth will shine from the pages.

There'll be no references to a policeman

who's gone native.

- Or she'll be transferred out of here for his own good.

- Exactly Lachy Jr.

Ah Professor Stinson what can I dor for you?

- My key I must leave to you Mr. Meldon.

- I'll take it.

- Thank you.

So, a hiking I will go.

Have a good day professor.

- Thank you.

So you've a Professor

staying at the hotel Barney?

- Oh yes

and hey listen do you know what he's professor of?

Well it's certainly not English.

- He is professor of erotic studies

at the Institute of Human Behavior, Stockholm.

- Erotic studies?

Can you imagine?

- Hmm.

- Are we decent?

- Yes.

Do come in.

- Ah,

and um, who might he be I ask myself?

- Oh this is daddy.

He's a commander in the forces you can see Hamish.

Oh, I admire him enormously.

In a world full of cynicism and increasingly lax attitudes

he strives to maintain the old values of discipline

and respect.

- He's one of a dwindling band then.

- Oh but a band you so clearly belong to Hamish.

- Tosh, tosh.

- Tell me,

where will you sleep while I'm here?

- I thought I'd bunk down in the old cell.

I like a good firm mattress underneath me.

- Oh

but this one feels so,

soft.

Oh uh,

I do hope I'm not putting you out?

- Good grief look at the time, I must be pushing on,

I'll wait for you outside, shall I?

Right?

Come here, come here.

- What's wrong?

- She fancies me.

- God she's only been here five minutes, are you sure?

- I was lucky to get out of there with my pants on

plus her old man's a commander in the force.

- Well hell hath no fury

like a commander's daughter scorned.

God knows what she'll put in that report

if you don't put a grin on her face.

- That is the most immoral thing I've ever heard.

Anyway it's not me she fancies, it's this plonker

I'm supposed to be.

- Immoral?

Since when did you let stuff like that get in the way

of a,

- Since I learned that's not the right way to be.

Anyway, it's not as if she's God's gift, is it?

Ready when you are Hamish.

- After you.

- Darling, you awake?

Hmm?

- I thought you might like something to eat.

Keep your strength up.

- Never felt stronger.

And it is all thanks to you my love.

- So you say, my darling, but there was that tiny wobble

in Tenner Reef.

- I'm absolutely fine.

I feel like a young bull.

- Never the less,

I'd like you to see your own doctor.

- If it makes you happy my love.

How did you get on with Edie?

- You know my darling I think we'll have to talk about Edie,

only after you've eaten that and had your desert.

- I was wondering Hamish,

if we make any arrests while I'm here,

where will you sleep then?

- Well that's highly unlikely Anne,

I run a tight ship here.

No one ever steps out of line in Lochdubh.

Ah. Some of the locals.

Mr. and Mrs. Meldon, Lachie McCrae,

this is Constable Patterson she's here for some training.

- We've met I think.

- And you couldn't have come to a better place.

This man is a consummate policeman.

It would be a sad day for this village

if ever he were taken from us.

- Oh I understand your sentiments entirely Mr. Meldon.

- You don't mind if I just check Mr. Meldon.

- You go right ahead Constable.

- Faulty tires can kill.

One point eight, spot on.

- Thank god for that is all I can say,

you don't want to fall foul of that man, no siree.

- Must push on, Constable Patterson?

- Oh.

- She is an absolute honey.

And she's looking

for more than training I should say.

- You know I've been thinking,

Hamish is going to be at our mercy while she's here.

- What do you mean?

- Well, we're all members of the recently formed

police community liaison committee, so I say

we start to liase.

- Who on earth is he?

- That's Robertson Campbell, local grocer and

volunteer lollipop man.

- Why is he dressed like that?

- Well it was my idea actually,

I thought it would make him a trifle more conspicuous

than the old white coat and hat.

- Oh.

No driver could fail to notice him in that.

Wonderful idea Hamish.

- Listen Rory, sorry about the uniform but

very difficult to find a new inspired slant

when you're on lollipop duty.

- No need to apologize, Esme's crazy about it.

She's got me wearing it at home.

- Edie, the major back?

- He's back and with a floozie in tow.

Some bar fly that's latched on to him in Tenner Reef.

- What?

- I tell ya Hamish, when I'd gone to the house

I found them doing some kind of Devil dance.

Didn't know where to look.

- It'll be a holiday romance, they never last.

- No,

they're getting married Rory.

What's gonna happen to me?

- Thank you Agnes.

- Who would have thought it eh, the Major of all people.

- Maybe he's lonely Barney.

- Aye,

rattling about in that big house.

Can't be a lot of laughs.

But at least it's bound to be true love.

- What do you mean?

- This dame.

She can't be a gold digger, the Major's penniless.

- But does she know that?

- Och but I mean, you can't now for sure

that she'll give you the heave.

- I don't like that woman Lachlan.

And she knows it.

She'll give me the heave right enough.

And God knows that the Major doesn't pay much.

I need the money.

What'll I do Lachlan?

- Well,

you could always get yourself a man.

Somebody to share life's burdens with you, you know.

- I've been on the shelf a long time Lachlan.

- Ah but you never know Edie,

where there's life there's hope.

That's what I always say.

- Hamish I would like you to meet my bride to be,

Serena St. Clair.

- How do you do?

- I do very well thank you.

Seriously, I'm really glad to meet you Hamish.

Perry speaks very highly of you.

- Well I hold Perry in high regard myself.

- Darling, why don't you and Hamish have a chat

while I go and make us some coffee?

- She?

Well isn't she something?

- She's

something all right.

- We met at a ball in my hotel, a night I'll never forget.

The band were playing Ravel's Bolero,

I looked across the room and there she was.

Sort of become our tune that, Bolero.

- So you met her on holiday?

- Yes, she has a villa on the island.

- Her own?

- Oh yes, oh yes, she's a woman of some means Hamish.

- Major,

does Serena know about your financial situation?

I mean, you know, from the outside,

the land, the house,

a stranger could get the wrong impression.

- Hamish when you're with a woman like Serena,

you tend to forget your life of genteel penury.

And why?

Because it doesn't matter, we are purely and simply in love.

- Yeah but,

- What?

- But nothing as long as you're happy.

- Happy?

Hamish I am ecstatic.

I am reinvigorated, reinvented, reborn.

Did I say about my legs?

- Your legs?

- Yes now,

I have beautiful legs, I'm in my middle years

and I have the legs of an 18 year old boy,

she saw it.

Now,

isn't it amazing?

- Major, I just don't know how to respond to that really.

- Darling,

coffee.

- Yes coming darling.

Come on.

We both have something we would like to ask you.

Good evening.

- Hi there.

Evening all.

- Barney, get Hamish a pint.

So, have you been over there?

- Just back.

- What's she like?

- Good for the Major.

- So when's the big day Hamish?

- Well just as soon as they're registrar can fit them in

and I am to be best man.

- So it's gonna be a big do is it?

- No just a ceremony and then Serena and the Major

are gonna pop home for a quiet celebration.

Uh, Agnes,

can I have a word, this way?

Right, well it's um,

I was wondering if you could maybe help me out

of a wee problem, you being women I mean.

- Of course Hamish.

- Good, right, you know that WPC Patterson,

She wants your body.

- How do you know that?

- I saw her looking Hamish.

- Me too and that is as bad a case of the hots

as I have ever seen.

- So what do you think I should do?

- You mean you don't know?

- No,

- Well,

you could speak to Professor Svenson over there.

- Good idea, he might have some educational books

with illustrations and things.

- Show you how to go about it Hamish.

- What bits go where, things like.

- Alright I see, okay, so I come for a bit of help

and this is what I get, ridiculed,

I'm trying to show a bit of restraint here.

You know what I mean?

Trying not to take advantage of that young woman

and a sister ladies.

- We know you are Hamish,

it's an admirable thing you're doing.

- So, we've had a word with Joey

and we've suggested something to him.

- Some people here are optimistic about the future

but many more are apprehensive and even fearful,

raising yet again the whole question of land ownership

in the highlands.

Isabelle Sutherland for the Highlands Today.

Owners of the Glendarren Estate in a dozen years

and despite repeated inquiries,

- Something of interest Mr. McIver?

- Oh yes, the presenter, she's a local girl.

- Oh?

- She left to go into newspapers and then came up north

to do that?

- What to Lochdubh?

- No, no, Inverness.

That's Hamish's tape actually.

They were

close, you know.

I think he's still carrying a torch for her.

- I wouldn't be to sure about that.

- Eh?

- Well Hamish is steeped in the ethos of the force.

A copper's copper.

The force feeds him, clothes him,

even puts a roof over his head.

And people like Hamish well they tend to look to it

to provide them with a partner also.

Which is probably why that relationship failed.

- Oh.

Oh well back to the drawing board then.

Oh please God,

give me the strength to be a good man.

Oh please.

- I would like to bring this meeting

of the Police Community Liaison Committee

to order by formally welcoming WPC Patterson

to Lochdubh.

- Thank you very much.

Thank you.

- The agenda Hamish.

- The what what?

- The agenda man.

- Ah, the old agenda.

- And you'll see that there is only

the one item there Hamish.

- Transport.

- What about transport?

- Well, whist we recognize the need for a Land Rover

given the local terrain Hamish,

- It never the less has the adverse effect

of rendering you on occasion, remote from the community,

you just sort of whizz by, if you see what I mean.

- Mmhmm, do carry on.

- So we thought,

that is the Police Community Liaison Committee thought,

that were you to vary your mode of transport,

that might alleviate the problem.

- What exactly did you have in mind?

- Hamish isn't it wonderful?

- Splendid.

Every single last one of you's a dead man.

- Oh, we must try it straight away.

Just to get the hang of it.

- Oh that's a good idea.

- You will of course be riding Lochdubh fashion Hamish.

- Lochdubh?

- Ladies at the front Hamish.

- They do say that Lochdubh's population explosion

in the 30's was not unconnected to the popularity

of the tandem at the time.

- What can he mean?

Oh Hamish, what scenery!

- Yeah.

- Would you like to stop for a while?

- No.

- Hmm,

it seems okay there.

And you definitely have no history of blackouts Major?

- No, none.

One minute I was sitting on the hotel balcony

and the next I was lying on the bathroom floor.

- What did he doctor in Tenner Reef say?

- Nothing, Serena called and called the man

just never came out.

When I seemed to make a full recovery, I just put it out

of my mind.

- No nausea, nothing like that.

- No.

- Nothing like it since?

- Nothing.

- Hmm.

I think we should take a blood sample,

have it looked at.

- Artichoke hearts, quail's eggs, caviar,

Verve Cliquot and Bollet.

- Oh yes, Verve is Perry's favorite bubbly

but I'm afraid I react terribly badly to it.

- Oh.

- Hmm, dreadful rash on every centimeter of my body.

- So you'll be the Bollet person?

- That's right.

Slips down a perfect treat and no ill effects.

- Well then it's Verve and Bollet, half bottles?

- Of course, I practice moderation

in most things Mr. Campbell.

Would tomorrow be too soon to pick this up?

- Tomorrow would be fine.

- Thank you.

- Edie.

- Rory.

- Rory,

the Major can never afford all this.

- Maybe not but she can and when they're married

what's hers is his right, and vice versa.

If I'm not mistaken,

that was a Hermes scarf she was wearing.

She's not short of a bob or two.

- Good God will she never go to sleep?

- She got things on her mind Hamish.

- Maybe she's gone to sleep with the light on.

- Oh well I'm not going in to put it out.

- Afraid of what you might accidentally see?

- Hey there's nothing accidental about it Lachlan,

she knows exactly what she's doing.

- Hamish look.

- Oh thank God.

- Give her 37 minutes.

- 37 Minutes?

- Aye, that's as long as Agnes has ever lasted.

And when she's in the mood she got as much determination

as any young police woman.

- Better make it 40 she's a younger woman.

- Right ya are.

- Ugh, make it stop.

Please.

Make it stop.

- You must have been last getting in last night Hamish.

No trouble I hope.

- No, no, I was um, I was just um.

- At the Majors.

- At the Majors.

- Practicing to be best man.

- Practicing to be best man.

- You know,

it says a great deal about you Hamish

that such an important figure in the community

should ask you to be his best man.

It just says so much.

- Ah Edith.

- Yes.

- Edie,

- She sent you to do the dirty work, hasn't she?

- She is going to be my wife Edith.

- I'll stay til you're married, is that alright Major?

- Yes, oh yes yes, that would be fine.

I,

I am so very sorry.

- Have you enough sugar in your tea constable?

- Splendid Mrs. Meldon, splendid.

- And mine, thank you.

- Professor, that you off?

- Yes, to home I must be going I'm scared.

- No, no, I'm afraid.

- You too?

- Well bon voyage.

- Oh thank you.

- Oh let me give you a hand.

- Thank you.

Thank you young gentleman.

- Hey.

- Hey, hey, hey!

- Professor?

- That is Lottie Larue.

- No I don't think so.

- Yeah, I'm telling you, that is Lottie Larue.

She was star woman in Swedish film,

Kiss of the Mantis.

1977, I've seen that film a thousand times, yes.

I'm telling you for sure that is Lottie Larue.

And she has a butterfly on her bump.

- Lottie Larue?

- Yeah, oh yeah,

one film and then gone, phew, no more Lottie Larue.

- What kind of film?

no, not pornographic.

No, no, but very erotic.

Ha, ha, ha, Lottie Larue.

- Now Mr. McCrae, just the man.

- Hamish if it's about the tandem.

- No, no,

it's about a film Lache,

I thought with you being a film buff you might be able to

tell me how to get a hold of a film.

- Well, with a bit of luck you could sit down

in front of my computer,

I have the wear with all to punch up dialogue,

story lines, scenes, the whole film maybe.

- Amazing.

That's fantastic.

Do you mind if I just have a wee go?

- Aye help yourself, but why the sudden interest?

- Ah just checking on something Loche,

something official.

- Oh well I'll leave you in peace then.

- Okay.

- Ah Major, Major,

- I saw the butterfly, Hamish.

I saw the butterfly.

- What did I tell ya, now I have to get you home

and into bed because you've got a very, very early start

in the morning.

- But isn't this a bit of a leap to make.

- Call it a copper's instinct.

- Oh.

- Where's Constable Patterson?

- Gone.

- Gone?

Where?

- I'm not telling you, any of you,

let's just say her duties elsewhere will take up

a fair bit of her time here.

- Why won't you tell us?

- What so some smart Alec can contact her

and bring her back, no thank you.

- Hello,

Hamish, Hamish, wonderful news, the registrar called

to say she just had a last minute cancellation.

Serena and I can get married tomorrow.

- Oh that's good news Major.

- Thank you.

- I've seen your intended and you're a very lucky man.

- Well you know what this means Major,

- What?

- It's your stag night.

- Damn me, so it is.

wonderful things to do

- Friends, dear friends,

a song encapsulating the wonderful evening in Tenner Reef

when my bride to be, Serena and I, first met.

night, exchanging glances

what were the chances

before the night was through

- Edie?

What's the story lass?

- I'm being let go.

Och, I don't blame the Major.

I doubt he'll have a mind of his own from here on in.

No, this is her doing.

- Il desperandum my lady, il desperandum, eh?

- Repeat after me, I solemnly and sincerely declare

that I Serena St. Clair accept you

Roderick Peregrine McClain, as my lawful husband

to the exclusion of all others.

- I solemnly and sincerely declare that I Serena St. Clair

accept you Roderick Peregrine McClain, as my lawful husband

to the exclusion of all others.

Let me be the first to congratulate you Major

and Mrs. McClain.

- Thank you.

- And thank you my darling for making me

so very, very happy.

Great, great day Hamish,

I'm so glad you're here to share it.

- Pleasures mine Major.

Pleasures mine.

Mrs. McClain.

- Hamish.

- Ah-hah, ah-hah, well I think I'll be taking

my wife home now Hamish.

- Where will you go?

- Hair of the dog I think.

- Ah.

- Excuse me Major, if you could just bear with me

a while longer, there are some forms to be filled in.

- Where have you been?

We're all waiting for the news.

- What news?

They're married, probably on their way home by now.

- What news, what news?

What was she wearing Hamish?

- A frock, what do you think.

- Well what kind of frock for goodness sake?

- Was it white, cream, long, black, short, what?

- You know I never noticed.

Typical bloody man.

- I was overcome by the emotion of it all.

- I can't stand it any longer, Macbeth,

you'll have to tell us what you've done

with that wee lassie.

- Nope.

- Damn you man, we'll all promise not to interfere.

- Would you promise?

Aye, we promise.

- Okay,

right you know that language college in Inverness.

I know it.

- Well she's there working night and day and far too late

at night to come driving all the way back so I got her digs,

I might at.

- What's she working on Hamish?

- Well she's looking at photographs in foreign newspapers,

looking for a needle in a hay stack.

Worse, a needle that isn't even in the hay stack.

- Hamish could you be a bit less opaque?

- I discovered that the Major's wife had made a film, right?

A low budget Swedish thing about a woman who travels

Europe and then marries moderately wealthy men

and then starts bumping them off.

So I asked Constable Patterson

how does a woman like the lovely Serena afford

her kind of lifestyle when as far as we know

she hasn't worked for 20 years,

what if, I wondered out loud,

Serena had started to act out her part in real life?

- What marry men and bump them off for their money?

Right,

- So she's scanning the papers for evidence

of Serena's past crimes?

Right again.

- She must be easily swayed if she bought that Hamish.

- Well I mean she had her doubts

but I gave her the good copper's instinct line, you know?

- Mmmm, oh you take these through to the lounge

and I'll bring in the caviar.

- Alright but don't keep me waiting long,

Mrs. McClain.

- So how did this woman get rid of her men Hamish?

- Ah, electrocution, car crash,

domestic accident, oh see the last one, the last one

was particularly nasty.

She poisons the guys right,

poisons the guy on their wedding day, nasty.

- I don't buy it, I mean the poison would show up

in the postmortem wouldn't it doc?

- Fairly probably.

- No, no, no, she poisons the guy then dumps his body

at the bottom of a lake for a year.

- Hmm, it might work.

There wouldn't be a lot left to do a PM on.

- Ah but surely people would be suspicious

a man disappearing on his wedding day.

- Well prior to the wedding she slips the guy a mickey

he collapses, the doctor comes and establishes the fact

that the guy is prone to black outs, clever.

- The um Major had a blackout in Tenner Reef.

He asked me to see him about it.

- Come on I just made the whole thing up to get rid of Anne.

- Well who's out of beer here.

- Me daddy.

- Darling, darling could you come in a minute?

Ah darling, Edith's come to collect some things

and I thought you might like to say what we had agreed.

- Of course, I hope there are no hard feelings

and that we can remain friends.

- Goodbye Major.

I'll just get my things from the kitchen and be on my way.

- Well, I did try.

- Oh, of course you did darling, of course you did.

- But what if the doctor carried out tests

after the first black out.

- The drug would show up wouldn't it?

- Depends how long it was before

the man went to see his doctor.

- Well in the film the woman only pretends

to phone the doc, I mean the guy recovers, feels okay

wants to forget all about it.

- Uh Hamish, according to the Major Serena tried

to telephone the doctor in Tenner Reef

but the man never showed up.

- What?

This is ridiculous you got me as paranoid as yourself.

Hamish.

- Anne.

- Hamish I think you were right.

- Yeah?

Look, it is her isn't it?

- Well I don't know, it could be.

- I got it from Le Monde in 1989

with a different name but the woman's husband

was electrocuted accidentally.

- Come on, I am dying of thirst.

- We're going to be wrong surely.

- We'll soon know.

- Cheers

my love.

- Cheers my darling.

- Mmm.

Oh wedding cake.

- Well get it later.

- I want it now.

- Any minute now Mr. McClain,

any minute now.

- Serena, we have visitors.

- Stop, don't drink that.

Major, Major.

- What, what's going on?

- We think it's poison Major.

- Where's your wife?

- She's in the kitchen.

Hamish!

- She's dead Hamish.

- What?

Serena.

- Steady Major now, steady.

- Wait somebody tell me what is going on here?

- We think she was trying to poison you Major.

And that she's murdered others.

- Let me through, let me through here.

Let me.

Oh my god.

What have I done?

- What have you done?

- I only wanted to give her a rash.

Just a rash for her allergy?

- Wait a minute just take it easy, tell us what happened.

- It was to be my parting shot Hamish.

I'd steam some labels off empty champagne bottles

I didn't think I'd get a chance but when I came in here

and saw the bottles in the ice bucket

I stuck the old labels on them.

I stuck the Verve label on the Bollet

and the Bollet label on the Verve.

- So the Major drank the Bollet thinking it was the Verve?

- And she drank the Verve thinking it was the Bollet.

- She drank her own poison Major.

You're a very lucky man.

- What kind of person?

- Oh Major, now just you come with me,

come away Major, this way, come on over.

- Stay with her Doctor.

- Sure Hamish.

- Poor man.

- He'll get over it.

- Course there is an upside to all of this.

- What's that?

- Well, she was the Major's legal wife,

so everything she's got is his.

- You mean like yon villa in Tenner Reef?

We'd better start looking out the sunblock then.

Mmhmm.

- Just came to say goodbye.

- Okay.

Can I ask you something?

Mmhmm.

- Why did you let me take full credit for this?

- Well,

I told you,

you give me a glowing report and I'll make you

the most famous rookie of all time.

- Yes,

oh but please it's

it's not that.

Is it?

- No.

You see I want to be here Anne.

And to do that I have to keep a low profile.

- Oh,

I see.

Well thanks for telling me.

You know,

I think I like the real you even better than the person

you pretended to be.

Goodbye.

- Yeah.