Original subtitles

- Come on, Jock.

Daft dog.

What have you got there Jock?

Last house on your left.

- Thanks very much.

Hi Deidre.

- Well hello Hamish, I thought you were the Major.

Go away in, I'm just about to throttle a hen.

- It's a lovely view of the bay there.

- That's great.

- So you'll be here for the walking?

- I thought I'd give it a try.

- Will you be staying long Mr.

- Robb.

I'm sorry, I don't know yet.

- That's all right, you just let me know.

G, now that would be for George, would it?

- Gavin.

- Ah.

- Is that Lochdubh Island out there?

- Oh yes, yes it is.

Ah ha, it will be the bird watching as well, will it?

- Maybe.

- So was he late back?

- No, no, I don't think he's overdue.

He's only been gone three weeks.

- Well three weeks is a pretty long time

for a fishing trip, Deidre, even for your brother.

- Oh, the Rose is a good boat,

I'm sure there's nothing to worry about.

- Rose.

That was the name of his wife, eh?

- Aye, she passed on about, oh, four years now.

- Mm.

Well anyway the thing is I really should report this

to the Coast Guard.

I mean it was a pretty bad storm the other night.

- Ach, there's no need to worry yourself Hamish.

He lost a couple of lifebelts last year.

Did he?

- It was probably one of them.

- Ach, well you're probably right.

But if you hear anything you'll let me know, okay?

Where was that storm from the other night, John?

- Eh?

Oh, a nor'wester.

Oh, a real stinker it was too.

Is Her Ladyship away then?

- Away for a walk.

Inspiration.

Northwest.

Was that, hey, did you say you saw a flare

over by the island?

- Well I couldn't be sure one way or the other.

Anyway, there's nobody missing, is there?

- Well Murdo Meiklejohn maybe.

- Murdo?

- I think I'll take a look out there in the morning.

- How are you going to get over there?

- Hitch a lift with Barney in the Fat Chance.

- Oh, I don't think that's a very good idea.

- Why?

- Well, I hear the wildlife trips are very popular.

There might not be room.

aren't opposite.

- Ah well, you know best.

- Day's work never done, eh, John?

- Nay, binmen come tomorrow.

- What would we do without you?

- U-A, Barney?

- What's that?

- Guaranteed, U-A, not A-U.

- Aye, right!

Fine.

- You weren't guaranteeing anything last week.

- Ah, but this is a marketing concept, you know?

- Oh, yeah?

- Done this course in Inverness,

"The Maximization of Consumer Expectation."

- Oh, well, there, I think I'll have a ticket

for your inaugural cruise, then.

Can't wait to see these guaranteed eagles and whales.

Must be good copy in that, eh, Lachie?

- Aye, must be.

What's up with her?

- If you don't know that, you're dafter than you look.

It's you lot's the matter with her.

I never touched her!

- Lachie, you are dafter than you look.

- Barney, I need a word!

- Hi, Isobel, I was just looking for Flora.

- She just popped out.

- Oh.

Any idea how long she'll be?

- No.

Can I help?

- No, well, she didn't leave a package for me,

by any chance?

- I don't know, I'll have a look.

Um,

is this it?

- Yes.

Oh, isn't it sweet?

Thanks!

'Bye.

- I tried to put him off, but he was determined.

- Shoulda tried harder.

- Oh, you don't know the problem there.

Oh, Hamish, I was just telling Barney here

that you wanted to go on, uh, the trip in the morning.

- Yeah, that's if you don't mind, Barney.

I'm a wee bit concerned about Murdo Meiklejohn.

- I heard you found the liferaft--

- You can keep him out of trouble while I'm away, Barney.

I'm going to Glasgow, be a godmother.

- Can I help you?

- Thank you, I'll have a pint of your best.

- Sure.

- What do you think?

- Very nice.

Think the minister might be a bit shocked, though.

- You're so conventional!

- I know, like last time.

- Why don't you come?

You know, say hello to the baby.

There's loads of people who would love to meet you.

It's just not my cup of tea, babe.

- What is your cup of tea?

Morning.

Fine morning for birdwatching.

You'll be looking for the lesser spotted civer diver,

no doubt.

- Yes.

- Mr. Robb!

You're an early bird.

- Gavin, please.

- Full breakfast, now, I have lovely spot of

bacon, sausage, egg, blood pudding--

- Sounds delicious, Mrs. Murray, but I'm away off out.

- Oh!

- I'm sure your other gentleman's in for a treat, though.

I'll see you later.

- Yes.

'Bye, then, Gavin.

- If he's a birdwatcher, I'm a monkey's auntie.

- Oh come on with ye!

Speaking of birds,

could you go some poached eggs, Mr. Gamble?

- Eh, what?

- Eggs?

Nice, slow,

three minute poached eggs.

- Three minutes?

- Mm.

- That would be grand.

'Bye, see you tonight.

- 'Bye.

- That's Alex away, then, is it?

- Aye.

- Did she make you up a piece?

- John, Alex and I's relationship is based on, like,

mutual respect, not catering.

- I thought so, here you are.

- John--

- There's a bit of tongue in there.

And there's a flask of tea, and--

- Aye, aye, aye.

- And there's a couple of Jammie Dodgers there as well.

Barney!

- Yes?

- It's arrived!

Ach, well, not to worry.

- Bad news?

- A bill.

- Ah, I know what's what, they'll go with a balaclava

and pinning my scarf at the back next.

Couple of city drives work to sea.

- Excuse me, make way for your captain, please.

- Go ahead Torquil, ask your question.

- Are you sure we're going to see whales?

- That's what the sign says, pal, "guaranteed."

You'll see whales.

- There.

Now, let's have a look at this.

- Gently does it, that's just step down.

Thank you.

- There you are sonny, just give it.

Right.

- All right there, Agnes?

- Hello, Hamish.

Ham and tongue.

- All right, thanks, be back about five, Agnes, okay?

- Aye, right.

- Gently does it now, ease, there we are.

- Did you know that an adult blue whale

has seven liter testicles?

Well I must confess to being ignorant

of that fact up until now.

- And its penis is nine foot long.

- Nobody we know.

Oh, come on, Barney!

- No, no, no, it's something we covered on the course

in Inverness.

Audio-visual ambiance.

Tourists love it!

- You know, some people are going to do something

in this country because we love it.

- Hang on, Barney!

Barney!

Oh, damn!

- Has a look at this.

Right.

Come on, come on!

Come on, come on!

- Be with you in a minute, Kate.

Yeah, I offered you a nice home-cured ham

and some soup from the stock.

A bit of warm one veg, two.

- Sounds great.

How, uh, how long is the boat trip?

- Uh, all day.

Why?

- I thought I might give it a try next week.

- Planning on staying a while, then, are you?

- I hope so, yes.

Good.

- We'll just get you round the headland,

then it's full steam ahead to Lochdubh Island!

Island sea, sand and mystery.

Sounds lovely!

- Over there to our left,

you can see the world famous Lochdubh Light.

Built in 1882, its guiding light is a torch of comfort

to all in peril on the storm-tossed seas.

As you can see, birdlife abounds in the fecund waters

off Lochdubh.

Here is a colony of our local shags.

There over to your left the majestic eagle.

- Looks like a buzzard.

- No, it's not a buzzard, it's an eagle.

- We haven't seen many whales yet.

- For god's sake!

- Is it a minke you're expecting?

- No, it's not a minke.

Just don't you go dangling your feet in the water, sonny.

In case.

- A killer?

All right.

- Is that young Lachie Jr. over there?

- So it is.

- Looks like he's needing some help.

- No, he'll be fine.

- Well, he doesn't look fine.

- Well, I can't stop now.

I've got passengers.

We'll see you on the way back!

- Sorry, uh, there are some beautiful walks

up round by the headland.

- You go round there yourself, do you?

- Used to.

Don't get a chance much these days.

- No, that's a shame.

Listen, maybe you could take me round there sometime,

show me the sights.

- Me?

If you're not too busy, that is.

When's your day off?

- 29th of February.

- You know, that's the best plate of soup I've ever tasted.

- Wait till you see my sticky toffee pudding.

- Here we are.

Lovely gray seals.

- They aren't gray!

- Of course they're gray, you can see they're gray.

- They're common.

- What?

- Everyone knows that common seals are gray and rare.

And that gray seals are black and common.

- Really?

Have to remember that next time.

- And there aren't whales either.

- You'll see whales. - When?

- About half three, actually.

- Excuse me.

I'm a vegan.

Have you no salad?

No?

And you call yourself conservationists!

- Over there.

- What?

- Where the lifebelt ended up over there.

- A six knot tide runs through there in there.

Could have come from anywhere.

- Ach, well I suppose if old Miss Meiklejohn's not bothered.

- Tongue?

- No thanks, I think I'll stick to the, uh, tongue.

- Didn't fancy a trip to Glasgow, then?

- Polite conversation, suit and tie

chattering about babies, no thanks.

- Alex getting broody, eh?

- No!

No, no way, you're joking!

- Fair enough, fair enough.

- Tell me.

Was it like a conscious decision?

- What?

- Well, like yourself and Agnes, not having any kids.

- Conscious decision?

Tell you the truth, Hamish,

me and Agnes have been trying to start a family for years.

It's the hospital.

It's me.

I'm firing blanks.

Agnes is no spring chicken.

Don't mind telling ye, Hamish, that things are a tad

rocky between us at the moment.

- Ach, you'll be fine.

- No fine!

Scared she'll leave me.

- Ach, Barney, man, Agnes is one of the best!

And there's more to life than having kids, surely!

- Try telling her that.

- You ever thought of adoption?

- Hey, mister!

When are we gonna see these whales?

- Let me know.

- So when Barney got his redundancy money through

we sold up and came here.

- That's incredible.

- Mm.

I know this sounds stupid,

but I've got a feeling I've met you somewhere before.

Have you ever been--

- No, no I don't think so.

I'll see you later.

Excuse me, Agnes.

- Yes!

- What are we stopping for?

- This is whale country.

- Look, look!

A killer whale!

- Look at the size of its fin!

- Always makes me feel a wee bit humbled.

- Oh no!

- Look, it's diving!

Hey, it's diving!

- Barney!

Barney!

This is why you didn't want me here, eh?

- Just get that motor started!

- Is that a trick you teached it, Mister?

- I'll kill him!

I'll kill him!

- And you should be ashamed of yourself,

getting involved in defrauding children!

- Eh, I know.

- I never claimed it was a real whale.

- My daddy's a QC.

- I thought he might be.

- In my opinion we have a prima facie case against you.

- For fraud!

- Listen, kid, you got your money back, beat it.

Barney,

I'm all for giving the tourists what they want

the same as the next man.

But please, don't embarrass me.

- Dammit, Hamish, I'm just trying to make a living.

- Davie and John involved in this, yeah?

- Well, they helped me rig it up.

I cannot hack the tourists, Hamish.

Think they'll sue?

Hamish!

What?

- The punters, will they sue?

- What the hell do I know about them, I'm just a police.

- Right!

I'm on the phone to that course in Inverness.

- For what?

- I want a refund!

So you tell Lachie Jr. I'm after his hide.

And as for that wench you conned me into hiring--

- That was a perfectly good wench, boy.

- A lager, Barney.

- Hamish.

- Anyway, with the money you're paying,

what else can you expect?

- Pay peanuts, you get monkeys.

- Hey now, hold on a minute there now, John.

- You deliberately went away without me, Barney Meldon.

- Good evening to you too, Isobel!

- Oh, and as for you,

there's a Mrs. Lucinda McLorg and her son Torquil

been at me about police corruption.

And fraudulent whales.

Anything to say, PC Macbeth?

Oh, I'll take that as a "no comment," then.

- Can I get anyone a drink?

- I'll have a pint of your best please, Agnes.

- Isobel, look, it's a storm in a teacup.

- Yeah, well, it's a damn good storm in a teacup.

- I cannot believe you, why can't you

just give the man a break?

- I'm away to see Mrs. McLorg.

She's talking interim interdicts.

- Well, the best of luck.

- I tell you boy, there's nothing wrong with that wench.

Something else must have gone wrong.

- Talk about wenching.

- Barney, was there not something the pulley

could have got caught on?

- What?

No, no, no, I sunk it at low tide.

Well maybe we should go and have

a wee look at it, hey?

- Ah, not tonight, we don't.

Barney, I advise you to give the whales a rest

for the time being.

With a bit of luck this is all gonna blow over.

- I'll see you next time.

- Okay, all right.

- Right you are.

Staying at Esme's, I hear?

Aye.

Nice, quiet wee place, Lochdubh, eh?

Uh huh.

- I'd like to keep it that way.

A good day?

- Yeah, great.

Jane's looking wonderful and little Alice,

she's a darling.

- Aye, aye.

you're not, uh, um,

well I mean, uh, I know when women sometimes feel a bit

well, you know, like, when their pals start having babies

and stuff.

Hamish Macbeth,

do I detect a man who's getting broody?

No I was, uh, I was just saying.

- If it ever happens, Hamish,

I'll stand by you.

- That's what I wanted to know.

- Agnes?

Mm?

- Have you seen the vet's number anywhere, boy?

Beasts are acting mighty queer.

- Oh, right?

- Aye, they're chucking that hay down

like there's no tomorrow.

- They shouldn't be hungry.

I fed them with the cattle cake last night.

- What cattle cake?

Right, watch it, boy.

clutch!

Watch this corner!

Hello!

- Oh, coming!

For heaven's sake?

- Uh, is Hamish about?

- Hamish!

- Has somebody died?

Just shut up!

Come on, then, come on.

- Don't need forensic in Inverness for that.

- Well, congratulations, Lachie.

There's not many young people who would

hand this kinda thing over to the police.

- So, it can be Drugs Squad, eh?

- Customs and Excise.

- Special Branch, they should be swarming--

- No, it's no good, Barney, I mean, look at it.

It's a quarter ounce of Moroccan hash, I mean,

it's hardly the bust of the decade, is it?

Is this all that's left?

- I'm afraid so.

But I've got a barn full of very happy heifers.

- It just floated up?

- Aye, just off shore, Hamish.

I think the rope must have got snagged in something

and then, you know, floated up.

- Aye, but it could be a drop.

- A what?

- Well, a drop, I mean this stuff could have been

smuggled out through Spain or Africa.

And it's dumped underwater and left there.

- And where there's a drop there's a pickup.

- That's very true.

- Mr. Robb?

Gavin?

- Agnes?

We're gonna have to talk about this.

I.

- Hi, Esme.

- Hamish, you haven't seen that nice young man, have you?

- No, why?

- Mysterious disappearance.

Walked out on Esme's breakfast.

I had him down as a chanty wrastler.

- And is this you in for your breakfast too, Rory?

- I just popped in, aye.

- Esme did anything strike you as unusual about this guy?

- No, no, he was charming.

He asked about the island and Barney's boat.

He asked me about the boat as well, Hamish.

What's up, Hamish?

- Classified information, Rory.

- He's a drug smuggler.

He's got a big drop planned off Lochdubh Island.

- Calm boy, calm, calm.

- A drop, what kind of drop?

- You haven't seen Agnes in your travels, have you?

No.

No.

- What's all this, carol singing?

- It's a drug stakeout.

- Hamish and I are going out to see what's going on.

So are we.

- Me too.

- I'm your man.

--

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop right there.

None of you are coming with me, okay?

- We'll go along the beach.

The view there is fantastic.

- Lead on.

- Well, seeing as how you're here you might as well help.

Barney, you got a knife there?

- I'll get it.

- You all right?

Now make a loop, boy. - Mm hm.

- Get the end of the rope. - Mm hm.

- Get now it's a rabbit. - Mm hm.

- Goes out of the hole, round the tree,

back down the hole again.

Pull tight.

Plonker.

- Any joy, Hamish?

- No, nothing.

- Ah well, there's only one thing for it, then.

- Oi, you, be careful down there.

- Are you happy, Agnes?

- Happy?

What's happy?

- You know, happy.

- Happy comes in wee bits.

I'm happy when a pie turns out right.

Happy when the VAT balances at the end of the quarter.

Are you happy?

- No, no I'm not.

I'm scared stiff.

- What have you got to be scared about?

- I'm sorry, I'm making such a mess of this.

I wanted it to be so perfect.

There's something I have to tell you.

Something I have to say.

- Sh!

- It's John weed, I'm telling you.

And a big squid came up and strangled him.

- Mm, Jeanette MacDonald as well.

Was it the Barbary coast?

- No, no, that was Edward G. Robinson and Miriam Hopkins.

- I remember, great big tentacles it had.

Grabbed Wayne's helmet.

- Excuse me, do you mind?

- And then there was that bit in the abyss

when the boy came up and died of the bends.

Aye and his whole body literally exploded.

What was it he said again?

- Kill him!

I'll kill him!

- No, no, no, I don't think it was that, Barney!

Barney!

Barney!

- I'll kill him!

I'll kill him!

I'll kill him!

- Come on, Barney!

- I'll kill him!

Stay right there!

!

- Barney?

- John, hold onto him!

Where is he?

Hamish!

Hamish!

Hamish!

- Alex, I can't swim.

- You swine!

She's mine, do you hear, mine!

I'll knock the head off any man that comes near her!

- Look, it's not what it seems.

- Put your dukes up, damn you!

Stop it, Barney, stop it!

- No, I'll not stop it.

.

Never thought thought I'd, what a scroter!

Barney!

- You're worth fighting for, Agnes.

And no toyboy fancy pants man

is gonna take you away from me!

Go on, put your dukes up!

I'm gonna ram his head that far up--

- He's not my toyboy!

He's my son.

My son.

- What?

- I had him when I was 16.

I was just a kid myself.

They made me give him away.

- You never said!

Why'd you never say?

- I couldn't.

I wanted to but I couldn't!

Sorry, Barney.

I'm really sorry.

- All the years.

All the tests, you knew it was me!

- Aye.

- But why?

- I love you, Barney.

I wanted, oh,

I wanted to keep your dignity.

- Help me!

Somebody!

Help me!

Hamish!

It's Alex.

- I can't find him!

- Don't just stand there!

- Oh my god!

- I can't find him!

- Quiet, quiet!

- Listen to Lachie.

- Listen, quiet!

Over there!

- Hamish!

- Hamish?

- Everyone?

- People do terrible things when they're desperate.

He couldn't let the boat be repossessed.

It was his last link with Rose.

- How many trips had he done?

- Just the one.

The stupid, stupid man, all that distance.

And he sinks off Lochdubh.

- He's put on weight!

- What's he gonna end up with?

- Hang on, watch my finger there.

- Steady on.

That's us, then, Miss Meiklejohn.

- Let him go, boys, send him home.

Thank you, Hamish, for keeping this quiet.

- Mind you it's a hell of a waste of good cattle cake.