Original subtitles

Mama and her melons, yeah, yeah, yeah

And from the bottom of today's charts, that was Gigi Volf with "Melons."

According to the results of a new survey, five out of ten couples meet online.

I wonder if those are just one-offs of if they stay together.

Well, Lenka, everyone wants a serious relationship, of course.

Really?

Dear Devilka666,

judging by your photos, you're seriously hot.

Your profile caught my attention because you are looking for ONS, like me.

I'm a well-off guy in his 50s, slim…

athletic build with a big… huge appetite.

How about we meet and feel each other out?

Yours, rasputin007.

-Eda! -What?

It's half past three.

Wait, I'm doing invoices.

-What? -I'm writing invoices, damn it.

"Get lost, you're old and fat."

What a bitch!

FEATURE FILM SCREENPLAY THE LAST GIG

MOM: BREAK A LEG, LINDA!

I'm sorry, the buy one get one free was only until the 30th.

No, I can't bend the rules, that's just the way it is.

-Hey there. -Hello.

Is this the place?

-You mean… -Sex addiction therapy.

-It's here, yes. -She's some piece of ass, huh?

-Pretty, and hopefully capable, too. -You bet.

Looks like the hysterical type, they really get into it.

I'm Eda. The wife sent me.

Cyril Borůvka, I'm here as a precaution.

-As a precaution? -I'd like to avoid any trouble.

Trouble? Precaution? You're like some kind of pervert or…

Don't tell me, it's totally obvious…

You're that wishy-washy, white-collar type

with the smuttiest ideas hiding behind those glasses.

It opens!

Hello, gentlemen, am I in the right place?

No, the University of the Third Age is on Na Poříčí Street.

I mean the sessions for the erotically dependent.

Then you've come to the right place.

Seriously, Grandpa?

Bimbo?

Maybe, I'd still like to help you resolve the situation, nonetheless.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT? I GOT TICKETS FOR COLDPLAY.

Oh, well, that's too bad…

Sorry to hear that.

YOU LISTEN TO COLDPLAY? I'VE GOT PLANS.

Okay, have a nice day, goodbye.

-Gaby, I'll be right back. -Yeah, I'll take it from here.

Okay, buy it somewhere else then.

I honestly don't care. All right. Bye.

What a kook.

-What did you mean by pervert? -Well, no offence, but the low-key guys,

they're usually the biggest freaks, you know what I mean?

The kind who everybody thinks is so nice

until he goes haywire and shoots up a school.

-What do you do for a living? -I'm a teacher.

-What do you teach? -History and PE.

-Grammar school? -High school.

-You bastard. -Excuse me?

You're right at the source. Where else are you going to find young meat?

-He's got it all figured out, the rascal. -Have a candy.

Save that for the schoolkids.

Káťa.

Káťa…

-Hi. -Hi.

How's it going?

Oh, shit!

TODAY 4 PM - THERAPY

Jesus Christ!

-What are you doing? -Freaks.

What are you looking at?

Here we go.

Hang in there, babe. I'll wait here for you.

Thanks, Luky, thanks.

Hello.

Break a leg, superstud.

You want a candy?

-Thanks. -Didn't your parents teach you

not to take candy from strange men?

No way.

Gigi Wolf, is that really you?

Oh, fuck.

Come on, I'm a big fan. Don't be silly.

-Did I miss something? -Are you kidding me?

You don't know Gigi Wolf? You're old, not dead.

Gigi Wolf is a rock god, an absolute ace,

he's played with Bowie, the Stones, Elton, to say nothing of the solo albums, right?

I'm sorry, I'm almost 35 and I honestly don't know either.

-Easy, guys, my fan here forgot-- -Eda Malý. Eddie to you.

What are you doing here, anyway? I thought you were in the States.

-No, that's history. -But what are you doing here?

I don't know, I guess the same as the rest of you.

Why do I even ask? Old horndog like you.

-That's enough, okay? -Yeah.

Good day, gentlemen.

Sorry for being a little late, but…

As you know, my name is Linda Davidová, and I'll be leading your group.

Before we begin, I'd like to thank you all for signing up for this therapy.

It means you're interested in moving on, and that's a big deal.

I'd also like to ask you

to be as kind and patient with each other as possible

because sessions like this can be very tough and we need to support each other.

Now if you don't mind, I'd like you to introduce yourselves.

Just briefly: why you signed up, what you expect,

what you think I should know about you.

HELP MAN!

-Nice ride. -Thanks.

Don't touch it!

I guess I'm the oldest one here…

You actually doubt that?

Well, I'll just start.

My name is Přemysl Drahý, I'm 78 years old

and I'm still an active screenwriter,

although ideas are hard to come by.

Poor old man.

I know it may seem ridiculous to some, given my age,

but my addiction to the physical proximity of women, one in particular,

complicates my life considerably.

A lot.

I can't concentrate on work, on friends, on anything.

Since my wife Julie died, it's gotten much worse.

I would therefore like these sessions

to help me rid myself of baser instincts

and passionate fantasies.

Well done, Přemek, very well done.

That was a beautiful introduction.

Where to start?

-I'm a rocker… -Yeah.

…and my career has, to put it politely, gone to shit.

-And what brings you here? -Women.

I feel like I'm chasing them out of obligation,

just like I know I have to brush my teeth, I have to screw anything that moves.

And in order to start playing again,

I need to get rid of it.

And have you ever thought maybe you lack a steady relationship?

That you've had enough of living an aimless wild life?

No.

Because that kind of behavior with no long-term perspectives,

could be the cause of your creative burnout.

But we'll get to that.

I'd love to, because…

No, it's nothing, nothing.

Thank you anyway, Gigi, you were terrific. Thank you.

So who's next? How about Cyril?

Okay, fine…

So my name is Cyril Borůvka, I'm 34 years old.

I have two beautiful daughters.

Eight and fourteen.

And…

I've been happily married for eight years. With my wife.

The reason I'm here is…

a little more delicate.

Next week is the Battle of Stalingrad, so check it out in advance,

so no one thinks it was the end of the Thirty Years' War,

and I'll look forward to the next time.

Goodbye…

It's not that I look on purpose, it's just unavoidable.

-Can I help you, Zuzanka? -You can.

How?

-An application for your seminar. -Oh, yes, okay.

Come on, girls.

-See you. -Thanks, see you.

I admit that I may have had a bit of fun with it at first,

but lately I feel like I'm starting to physically lust after these girls.

Like on Friday with Zuzanka and Martinka.

Your serve.

Are you satisfied with your sex life?

Excuse me?

I'm asking if your sex life and its frequency is satisfying.

-I suppose it's natural. -What does that mean?

I don't know, once or twice a month.

-What? -Oh, man.

Dear God!

How old are you? 150?

It's not very much.

-Don't you mean totally desperate? -Gentlemen, that's enough.

Well, if it was more than that, it might even get sort of old.

And that's your opinion? Or your wife's?

-Both. -No way…

Wait, this is really important.

Because repressing something could be the source of your problems.

Frustration wants out and it doesn't care if it's at home or school.

-What does your wife do? -Like, during sex?

No.

No, I'm asking about her job.

Oh, she's a…

divorce lawyer, very successful.

And how would you describe your feelings for her?

Well, love and admiration, I guess.

Can you elaborate?

I admire her discipline, her diligence, she's quite independent.

And are those feelings mutual?

Sure, we wouldn't be together otherwise.

-I mean, she doesn't say it often, but… -It's okay, Cyril, no rush.

I commend you for nipping this in the bud.

Yeah.

Thank you, Linda.

I'm done, actually.

That's called responsibility.

Cyril is a responsible man, unlike many others.

Now while we're at it, what brought you here, if I may ask?

Well, my wife.

-Oh, and? -And what?

Whose idea was it to sign you up?

Certainly not mine.

I know it's not optimal for you women, but I just need it.

-And your wife just doesn't get it, huh? -Exactly.

So now I use this online dating site, to set up some ONS.

The whole thing is discreet, so it shouldn't blow up again.

-ONS? -Yeah, "one night sex."

-Stand. -What?

Like, it's a "one night stand."

Who cares, it's the result that counts, right?

-So you look for sex over the internet? -Yeah.

And that satisfies you? Don't you miss the process of conquest?

Not really.

What? At least I know where I stand. And do you know how much time it saves?

Dude, it's not my fault some puritanical dickhead invented marriage.

Guys just can't handle it, it doesn't work.

And what would you like to achieve here?

From what you say, it sounds like you're happy.

It's like this: the wife found out about two of my chicks

-and immediately put a knife to my throat. -Eda, do you know how much this hurts me?

And she's like, either you cut it out or we divorce, man!

And I'm like, I can't stop because I need it and she's like: "No!"

I can't… I just can't do this anymore.

Make your choice, or it's over. So here I am.

Just between us, I don't want to stop,

but I don't want to get divorced either, because otherwise Jíťa's pretty nice.

If it makes you happy, I'll sign up somewhere.

Again?

Yeah.

How would you feel if she did the same to you?

-That's different, she doesn't need it. -How do you know that?

Because she'd immediately fall in love. She just doesn't need it, I just know it.

-That's hypocrisy. -But based on biological truth.

Yes.

You must be Martin.

What might you know about it, Martin?

Natural Sciences, Charles University.

I mean, before I got kicked out.

But nowadays, anyone who knows anything will tell you

that men's biological need for sex is demonstrably higher than women's.

So the hypocrisy isn't so hypocritical.

The boy's right.

You see, even the geriatric acknowledges it.

-So, how was it? -Just drive, please.

-What did they say? -About what?

About your problem.

What?

You didn't tell them, did you?

You didn't tell them?

How are they supposed to help you if they don't know what's up?

-There just wasn't an opportunity. -Bullshit, you're trying to ruin us.

Are you kidding me?

If you don't get it together soon, then we can pack it in.

This cancelled comeback tour is a mess.

I really like you, babe, but I haven't seen a paycheck in three months.

I've got to buy clothes for the band,

I've got to pay rent, the Jag here, it eats a ton.

So don't be a pussy and come clean.

Pussy? Coming from a guy who didn't admit he was gay until he was sixty?

-That's a low blow, that isn't fair. -Then don't call me a pussy.

-It's not fair! -Don't call me a pussy!

You don't go around telling everyone that you can't…

-Unlike you, I actually can-- -Hey, enough, enough.

Leave the problems for later, that's enough.

Keep the details to yourself, please.

But anyway…

You should tell them.

Fine.

Okay, I'll tell them.

Yeah?

-You're going to be the end of me. -Yeah, I love you, too.

Yeah, it was good.

There's one troublemaker, a bike shop owner,

but other than that, everybody's pretty nice.

Especially the teacher, he's sweet and kind of a spaz.

Of course I will, Mom, don't worry,

I'll be careful.

Bye, thanks.

Linda, you know that--

-Thanks, Dad. -Welcome, Peťa. Want some too, Kája?

You don't know that oatmeal is highly glycemic

and causes diabetes and obesity? And I don't want to be fat.

-But neither do I. -But you won't, Peťa.

Mommy and I have been eating oatmeal all our lives and are we fat? No.

Well, maybe not fat, but you're definitely not in shape.

I think Dad looks good, actually. He's so…

-Weird. -Cute.

Cute…

Listen, I need you to pick up the girls up from school today, okay?

-I told you I've got the staffroom today. -You and your staffroom.

It would fall apart without you, huh?

Listen, it's not every day the Prime Minister gets divorced.

It could be the deal of the year. Maybe we'll finally get you that car.

You mean for parasitizing on other people's misfortune?

Cyril, being an attorney is a profession like any other,

and before you start judging me, remember who the breadwinner is.

Me.

Because Mr. Idealist can't even pay the rent, can he, girls?

But material poverty doesn't mean spiritual poverty.

Nice things you're teaching them.

Yes, unfortunately, life isn't fair, even a weed whacker dies one day.

What? Ten years? That's not so bad, is it?

SO HOW WAS LAST NIGHT?

GOOD? HOW WAS COLDPLAY?

GOOD, IN FACT I WENT WITH A GIRL I KNOW.

Well, if that's the way you see it, maybe we'd better call it a day. Sorry.

WERE YOU WITH THE BOSS?

Don't pretend you don't know.

Yes, thank you very much. Goodbye.

What the hell are you talking about?

I'm just wondering why you don't find someone your own age.

Look, such relationships…

Such relationships are the biggest cliché.

What relationships?

Pospíšil, come with me.

-Did you talk about the mailwoman? -No.

So far we've been talking more generally.

About what brought us there, what we want to achieve and so on.

-What did you say? -To what?

-About what you want to achieve and so on. -I said…

I said I don't want to get divorced, that you're nice.

-What? -I said you're nice.

Now stop talking and move your ass, Jíťa.

We'll be there soon.

My battery is dead!

I can't go on, Eda.

-Stop! -I can't, I wouldn't start back up again.

-Eda. -Pedal!

I'll wait for you up top.

Since I'm going so good.

I understand that working in a call center isn't exactly a dream job,

but we have certain rules here.

When you have an electric saw, you have to watch the cord.

It's a shame you cut it, but that's your problem,

so please stop nagging me and go back to elementary school.

I'm telling you, stick that lawn trimmer up your ass.

I get you, people are assholes.

And everyone snaps sometimes, but you can't snap every day.

And you certainly can't chat with co-workers during work hours.

I won't comment on the content of the conversations.

Not to mention the sites you visit.

-Websites? -Pospíšil…

I'm quite experienced myself, so please don't make a fool of me.

You're free to go.

Okay, well… thanks.

Yeah, and as for Káťa, back off, will you?

We don't want a soap opera here.

He therefore decided to begin therapy for the erotically dependent,

where he hopes to regain his creative freedom.

Dammit.

Hey, handsome.

Hey, Hana.

Everything okay?

Of course it is.

Do you want to come in?

Of course. We were agreed.

-Did you forget? -Oh, please, how could I?

Come in, come in.

AND CAN YOU LAST? YOUR AN OLDER MAN???

DON'T WORRY, BABYDOLL, YOU'LL EXPERIENCE A MASTERPIECE.

MOM

There you are.

My battery died.

At least you got some work in, right? You wanted exercise, you got it.

You know how your ass will thank you for it?

Eda…

Eda!

-Are you all right? -See what you did now?

I was here yesterday, but you weren't home.

-I was at the doctor's. -Prostate?

No, heart.

-And… -What?

Oh, it was an accident.

Things like that have been happening to me quite a lot lately.

Yeah?

-Sparkling wine? -I'd love some.

-Cheers. -Cheers.

If you want, you can live at my place.

-I know, but… -It's only up to you.

It's up to you.

Thank you.

You should know I feel very good with you.

I'm thinking about breaking up with her anyway.

With Hana? You can't be serious.

Look, Přemek, it's none of my business,

but since Julie died, you're no fun anymore.

You should stop thinking about silly stuff and start living a little.

You're a healthy, fit guy who can still… right?

Stop it, please.

Look at Rudy here.

What did you say?

-What did he say? -To get that dumb look off your face.

Oh, you want a new one?

What?

The heavy lager's gone, we have to be grateful for what we have.

That it's beautiful out here!

-What did he say? -What?

What did he say?

That it's beautiful out here!

Yeah, it is.

What a woman wants from life, in my opinion:

a home, kids and a man.

Not that you're always aware of it, but that's how it always turns out.

And what does a man want? A good job, recognition--

-And sex. -Exactly.

And now tell me what's more like marriage. The male or female perspective?

Obviously the female one, right?

And a man's supposed to shut up and stay in line.

-That's just not true! -How so?

Well…

You see? And how is it with you?

Do you live with someone or are you single?

But, Gigi, this therapy is about you and your problems, okay?

Wait a minute, I thought it was about all of us.

That you're like one of us.

Yeah, here we are exposing ourselves and we know nothing about you.

Gentlemen, I'm flattered by the interest but…

Not from people obsessed with the female reproductive tract.

No, it's that I don't want to jeopardize therapist-client relationship.

Besides, I put your interest down to the fact that I'm the only woman here.

In the desert, even a cactus can be a beautiful flower.

-Eda. -Linda,

if you don't want to answer, of course we'll respect that.

Respect what? Let her say what the deal is.

-The deal with what? -With guys. Are you seeing anybody?

Eda, I think this is inappropriate.

ACTOR BENDA: "I'M ALL ABOUT WOMEN"

So? Have you got a guy? Or maybe a gal?

-Eda… -I think it's obvious.

-What's obvious? -That you're a lonely prude

who hassles us because you don't get enough bam-bam.

-Eda… -Why not write about that, Přemek?

That's a good topic. I can see the poster: "Coital Exorcist."

Eda, you're being rude now, this is really rude.

-Gentlemen, I'm here to help you. -You're here to moralize.

And you still haven't answered.

Great, perfect example of a trusting relationship.

We're not even worth her telling the truth.

-Jesus, I'm alone, are you satisfied? -Very.

It's no wonder, you're pretty, no question about that,

-but the rest of the package… -Eda!

-That's enough. -Well, well, well.

Maybe the teacher here has a crush? Now that would be funny!

What? These psychiatrists nowadays can't stand shit.

-Eda, I'm going to smack you, man. -You really do like her.

-Please, stop this. -No, we need to clear this up.

-So what's the story? -Eda, stop it.

Eda, let it go.

No, I just want to know why Borůvka is moralizing.

It's like with his students. Do you want her? You like her?

You imagine ripping her clothes off, admit it, you want her!

No!

Jesus…

Now, gentlemen…

-Does this happen a lot? -What?

Your patients getting in fights.

Oops.

Hang on.

-Let me do it. -It's okay, I'll do it.

No, it was the first time.

-Excuse me? -Yeah…

You asked if my patients fight. That was the first time.

Oh, right.

Actually, you're my first group.

But please, don't tell the others.

Really?

Well, you do look more like a student.

-Well, just don't have any fantasies. -Yeah…

No.

Can I really count on you?

That I won't tell anyone? No, I won't.

I mean, on one condition.

Tell me why you were crying.

So I know what I got punched over.

I recently called off a wedding. He cheated on me.

It happened a week before the wedding, so it was all for the best.

But I'm still holding it in.

I understand the tears, then.

You know, he used to always blame me…

Damn it, I shouldn't be saying this. It's totally unprofessional.

I'm your therapist.

I'm sorry, forgive me.

I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I have to go anyway, I guess.

My wife is waiting for me, so…

Cyril, wait.

-He said I was too squeamish. -What?

So now I use this online dating site, to set up some ONS.

-Don't you miss the process of conquest -Not really.

At least I know where I stand, right?

THE BEST DATING SITE FOR MAXIMUM ADVENTURE!

Martin the Conquistador.

I'd rather not ask what you're taking pictures of.

-Oh, shit! -Ah, Pospíšil.

Can't say I'm surprised.

Hana, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I…

You don't have to explain anything to me, Přemek.

I understand.

I know this is your life, your passion, so I accept it.

Take good care. I love you.

And I hope to hear from you sometime, but I won't call you, don't worry.

And I'm really looking forward to the movie.

The most important thing in therapy is to keep your distance.

I know, but this is so new, it completely derailed me.

It's still inside, I guess.

Hi.

-What are you doing here? -I came for the last of my things and…

I sent them by courier this morning. Didn't you get the message?

I did.

But I also wanted to see you and tell you how sorry I am.

Linda, if I could take it back, I would, but understand

that we actors are under constant pressure--

She was my best friend.

-Linda, I really… -Look, David, I liked you,

but you're just like most guys. It happened once, it'll happen again.

So please, don't make a show of feeling sorry,

because sooner or later another girl will come along

and it will all start over again.

See you.

-I would have managed on my own. -Damn it!

I don't want you to end up like me.

What happened to you, anyway?

I was texting and suddenly there was a pole in front of me and…

-Hey, Mom. -Mom!

Girls, hi.

-Who was that? -Petr, her friend.

-A friend? -More like a business partner.

Crazy rich.

-Nice car. -Are you jealous?

Come on, girls, I got something for you.

-What happened to him? -He hit a pole.

Jesus Christ.

THANKS FOR A LOVELY AFTERNOON. YOU'RE REALLY NICE. LINDA.

MY PLEASURE, SAME GOES FOR YOU. CYRIL.

-Well? -We don't know anything yet.

Cyril's trying to salvage it, but I don't give it much of a chance.

Otherwise, until this is sorted out,

I want to apologize for our last session, it was extremely unprofessional of me

and I won't be surprised if you don't want to continue with the group.

It's okay, Linda, we shouldn't have pushed you so hard.

Oh, and here's some flowers.

I mean, I was going to say, like,

sorry about the whole thing.

I certainly didn't mean it in a bad way,

I just don't know what I'm talking about sometimes.

Thank you, Eddie, I really didn't expect that.

-It was the senior's idea. -We all played a part in it,

-some of us more… -Thank you.

Unfortunately, it's final. The school rules are clear,

violence is expressly forbidden on school grounds, so we're banned.

Thanks, Eda.

-Dude, what are we going to do? -Well, no one knows exactly.

-How about we go to the park? -The park?

The park.

So this is your turf, Přemek.

Well, the boys and I come here to relax.

No wonder.

It's beautiful.

Gentlemen, I don't want to spoil your fun, but we're here on business.

That's right, come on, let's go.

You're really useless, buddy.

I don't think a woman cares how a man got into an affair,

-what matters is that it happened. -Excuse me.

I wouldn't say no to that.

Cheers.

I don't think it's black and white.

Like…

I think there are certain situations where an extra-marital relationship

can paradoxically help overcome problems that might otherwise be insurmountable.

Well, well, well. Has Cyril been getting some booty?

No, you're right Cyril.

Like if one partner humiliates the other for so long that the pot boils over,

then such a fling seems like a deliverance.

If you love your wife and stray only occasionally, it's fine.

-As long as you don't endanger the family. -Gentlemen, cheating on a loved one

-endangers the family. -You're being very literal.

And you're being hypocrites again. This is the oldest male lie.

What? That we want more than just our wives?

No, the lie is that it's okay.

From your perspective.

But for us guys it's not fair if one little "I do" means

you can never screw anyone but your wife. It's not natural.

-Grandpa, what does "screw" mean? -Screw?

To fasten or tighten something with a turning motion. You know?

Look, Linda,

you yourself conceded that a certain type of infidelity can be considered positive

-and now you're suddenly denying it. -Exactly.

Look, imagine you bang Cyril here

because his wife only puts out once a month.

-Have you not then done a good deed? -As has he, since Linda is single, right?

That's enough!

-Have you no shame in front of a child? -I'm sorry, but this is a work meeting.

We're sorry if we've offended you, but we have nowhere else to discuss it.

-Is that a boy? -Yeah. Come on, Vojta.

You can relax, he'll figure it out sooner or later.

Bye, uncle.

Goodbye and good luck to you guys. Fingers crossed.

-Goodbye. -Goodbye.

Typical case of male domestication.

Oh, do you have some experience with that?

On the contrary, the girls call me Marty the Conquistador.

Really? Marty the Conquistador?

Hey, Martin, don't take this personally,

but Marty the Conquistador?

Nine women a week?

Sorry, but that's bullshit.

-Excuse me? -That's not the way a shagger talks,

-that's the way a desperate man talks. -How about you mind your own business?

Why not?

-Shit. -What's that?

Nothing.

-You take Viagra? -I don't take anything.

-Then why is it in your pocket? -For a friend.

-Why didn't you tell us? -Because there's nothing to tell.

-And didn't I ask you something? -What's going on?

Nothing, I just told Martin here what we've long since believed.

-That he's a virgin? -At least mine works.

Yeah, so what?

A rocker doesn't expect to go from cocaine to Viagra at 65,

much less that it won't work.

I'm depressed. I can't play, I can't sing, I can't do anything.

-Because you can't…? -Yeah!

But better this than making up stories about what a shagger I am.

-You really can't get it---? -Don't say it, don't say it!

-Then why didn't you tell us? -You'd tell someone?

I don't know, man.

And let's not talk about my pecker, let's talk about the kid.

-What's the story, then? -I don't know what you want to hear.

Are you a virgin?

What do you think they're doing in there?

Nothing, I hope.

Well, I better go check on them.

-What? -Nothing.

It's just, when we were in the café,

I don't want you to think I do this with clients on a regular basis.

I just couldn't control myself. You're so nice and I…

It's not your fault.

I'm the one who's horrible.

I don't know what came over me, I just got all hot and bothered.

But it was just a kiss.

I know.

But it just meant a lot to me.

Too bad it has to stop there.

-That would be very irresponsible of us. -I totally agree.

-Unless… -Just as friends.

Yeah, I think that would be…

I wonder if your problem could be psychological.

Especially if the meds aren't working.

We should be asking if it could be the case

that your body is rejecting physical contact with inappropriate women.

Although I'd be jealous of that. Hana and I are always…

-That's beside the point. -You're right, Přemek.

The worst thing is, I think I only chase these women

to prove I'm not impotent.

Now now.

Don't think about it.

And as for you, Martin…

If you're always making things up and fabricating stuff,

then you're just wasting our time.

You may not care,

but to put it selfishly, some of us don't have much time to spare.

Yeah. What are you going to say to that?

So you didn't lose your job because of an addiction to women,

-it was because of this. -Porn! Don't be afraid to say it,

there's nothing dirty about it.

-Well, that's not so bad. -No, it's not.

It's just…

I'm sorry I snapped at you that time,

it just sucks that when I finally meet the girl of my dreams, she's got a guy.

Cool.

And he doesn't know it's your uncle he's jealous of?

No, he never asked. So why spoil the fun, right?

In a way, it's kind of romantic.

Such a sweetie.

What happened?

-I have two teras of porn on my computer. -What?

-You mean like two terabytes? -Holy shit, how many hours is that?

In HD, about 1,000.

-Why do you have it at work? -Fast internet.

Ah, speak of the devil.

Come on over, Casanova. We were just admiring your collection.

I've got to say, you got good taste.

Especially the teens and teachers tabs.

Sweetie, huh?

The Káťa folder isn't bad, either.

Do you have anything to say?

Well?

Well, I guess that's that.

And you snap out of it, Šedivá. Maybe you'll get a folder too one day.

Dude, a thousand hours of porn. Listen, I have a flash drive with me--

That's enough, that's enough we all get it, you like…

Porn.

Fine.

But then I honestly don't understand what you're doing here.

I'm just completely useless with girls, and now that Káťa's come along,

I desperately need to cool down or I'm going to fuck it up again.

But therapy is about taming promiscuity, not learning it.

Miss, don't be so hard on the young man, it's love he wants.

And where is he going to learn if not here?

Among the world-wise.

Yeah.

I think the most important thing is your choice of partner.

You can't be infatuated with the first one who lets you in the door.

Look before you leap.

If you talk about touchy-feely stuff, you're going to crash and burn.

Think of her as a sexual object.

-Really? -Yes. She's the meat you want.

I guarantee that despite all the feminist bullshit

it turns every chick on.

Be the man. Be awesome.

You need to look calm and collected.

Martin, be yourself.

-Or actually, don't. -Be honest and listen, that's enough.

I appreciate your openness,

but you should confide these details in your wife.

What's up?

Sorry, what does back waxing have to do with your riding mower complaint?

Yuck, I mean, thank you for the information.

Goodbye.

What's up?

-Káťa. -Martin?

-Káťa. -Martin?

Káťa, I just wanted to tell you that…

Sorry, hang on.

-But… -That can wait.

Dear Káťa, I'll make it simple,

I'm really sorry for getting hysterical about you dating the boss.

I'm also sorry everyone knows about my collection of your pictures

and that I publicly humiliated you with what they were hidden amongst.

I'm sorry for flirting despite you having a boyfriend, or rather, man-friend,

and for always looking at you, but I just can't help myself, sorry.

You're gorgeous and I refuse to give up without a fight anymore.

I'm also sorry for interrupting your call, but if I hadn't then I'd never say this.

And since there's a ton of apologizing to do,

let me make it up for it by asking you out on a date.

With no expectations of sex, of course, I mean, on my part,

or any of the other things that heterosexuals do on dates.

Unless you want.

And that's it.

That was pretty epic.

So you'll go?

Your passion and spontaneity fill me with a sense of delight, even now.

I hope we'll do that again

and be even happier if we can enhance it with dinner or a trip.

Your Fem221.

Yeah, right.

-Did you say something? -No.

-So you've only recently started riding? -After my wife died,

-to keep from going crazy. -I'm sorry to hear that.

Yeah…

What does she always want?

-And I won't have big boobs in it? -No, I think it's just right.

-Really? -Yeah.

-It will stretch. -All right, then.

-You okay? -Yeah, sure.

Look, we can go somewhere else.

No, I'm just checking to see if there's anyone I know.

You're at the movies with a friend, right?

Married people don't go to movies with friends who are girls.

So I'm not a friend?

IN A FILM

THE HERON AND THE SCAVENGERS

-Kovalski! -Oh, my God.

-Are you here for Dagmar? -Help, love.

Ivana.

And a love triangle.

-Is something wrong? -No.

It just reminds me of this asshole I know.

Take 'em down!

-You're sleeping with her? -Dude, we were drunk.

-No shit. -Assholes.

Help!

-Listen, it's really bad, isn't it? -Yeah.

Worse than bad.

So, lovebirds? Give me my money and she's yours.

From a purely professional standpoint, I think he shouldn't see us together.

I think so too.

What are you doing?

Looking for an escape route.

-How are you looking? -I'm on my last one.

-Me too. -On three?

Let's go.

I'm sorry, excuse me.

Excuse me.

Have a nice evening.

Bye…

What a freak!

-What are you doing? -Pospíšil.

-What? -Pospíšil.

I think I saw the boss.

How many times do I have to tell you? He's my uncle!

And you don't sleep with uncles.

Depends on the family, doesn't it?

You're stupid.

-That kid doesn't give up. -He sure doesn't.

THE HERON AND THE SCAVENGERS

-I haven't laughed like that in ages. -Me neither.

-But it was close. -The way they frowned…

Jeez, sorry about the movie, I was expecting something different.

A nature film.

Something more profound.

That wasn't a friendly kiss.

But I'm dying to do it again.

Jesus, that's so cliché.

NOTES: LOOKS FOR SEX ON THE INTERNET…

SIGNED IN PREVENTIVELY

ROMANTIC

No, no, no. No way.

What do you not understand?

-You want some? -No.

I've got to run. Have a good day, girls.

Bye, Mom.

-Enjoy your meal, girls. -You too.

THANKS FOR LAST NIGHT, IT WAS NICE

CANCELLED

Cheerio!

Bitches.

NA JEZERCE THEATER

-Wait, I'll help you. -Oh, thanks.

I got stuck last time, too. Pity the door's not wider.

-Last time? -So Jíťa, it was good to see you.

Bye, Sváťa.

-Who was that? -Sváťa, a former classmate.

Imagine, he bought a bike here recently and we thought we knew each other,

and yesterday he sent me a picture and he really is a classmate.

What a coincidence.

Oh, fuck!

HAPPY NAME DAY, CYRIL

And why are you treating me like a doormat?

We'll discuss this at home, okay?

Who was that? Marta?

She says I'm an idiot for not hanging the laundry.

The woman's out of her mind.

Don't take it that way.

We'll have dinner, and then…

No, not tonight, Linda. I'm sorry.

I've got a terrible feeling about all this.

I've never done this to Marta…

I mean, I've never been in a situation like this before.

-You want to leave me? -Linda, please.

Let's be together.

If it's that bad with her, then there are possibilities…

We have two kids together.

I just…

I just don't want them to lose their dad again.

Again?

-The girls aren't yours? -They're from Marta's first marriage.

I married her when she was pregnant with Peťa.

I'd still love to meet them.

If you only knew how much I appreciate you for all this.

You have such a good heart.

But in my experience,

maintaining a dysfunctional relationship is often worse than separation.

-My parents used to fight constantly. -Linda, please stop.

I…

I just need to…

think it all over.

It's too much. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?

Bye.

-A test? -Yes, or rather, a questionnaire

to help you define the next steps on your road to recovery.

Don't worry, it's three simple questions.

"Is sex physically indispensable to you"?

Unnecessary question, no?

The first two questions are the same for everyone,

the last one is for you.

There's no need to rush your answer, it's just a matter of being honest.

Do you love your wife?

-That must be a mistake. -Sorry.

-That's for Cyril. -For me?

Look, now he has to realize what he wants.

Everything else follows from that.

And you need to realize that you're a therapist.

You're expected to provide clear guidance even if you've made some mistakes.

Eddie, please.

What's wrong?

What?

Nothing, just looking for where to sign.

It says "signature" here so that's where you sign it, bozo.

Thanks.

-Done. -Well, that was fast.

I'm done, too.

Me too.

Thank you.

Welcome.

What does it matter if his wife's a bitch?

That doesn't entitle him to screw that young thing.

It doesn't entitle him to be unfaithful. Just a minute. What's up?

Would you give me the money, please? Dad forgot.

Of course he did.

Přemek. "Do you consider sex a physical necessity"?

-Yes. -Just so you understand,

I ask this question because the need for infidelity

is usually based on personal trauma and dysfunctional models in childhood.

Wait a minute, so we're all dysfunctional here?

-No, only Gigi. -Hey, fuck you, leave me alone.

-It's true. -How so?

Anyway, the point is, every outcome has a cause.

You're right, unfortunately Julie wasn't the type.

And then Hana came along.

Wild, unbridled.

But of course, I loved Julie for her effort.

My last question for Přemek was

whether his refusal to live with Hana was due to remorse.

He wrote: "It can't be ruled out."

Now I don't understand.

I think Linda was trying to say

Přemek could be denying himself a life with Hana

because he feels guilt towards his wife.

-But why would he feel guilty if she's…? -Stiff.

Like, dead.

Because he cheated on her her whole life.

In retrospect, my infidelity is not good for my soul.

Still, I find it unlikely that you lasted 30 years with Hana

only on the basis of physical pleasure.

In short, the only one who knows how you feel about her is you.

The poor girl, she's all alone now.

No family? Children?

She's got a son, but they don't talk.

-He's the kind of guy who… -Maybe he couldn't stand her anymore.

I'll check it out, bye.

Yes?

He's supposed to be in a meeting in the staffroom.

Oh, you're calling from the staffroom.

Aha, I don't know.

Goodbye.

YOU FORGOT YOUR UNDIES, TEDDY BEAR. I'LL BRING THEM TO THE SESSION.

4 P.M. SESSION, KNUPP GALLERY

So you lived alone with your mother?

I think she was going out with some married guy for a while,

-but otherwise she was all on her own. -What was your relationship like?

Hey, am I here because of my flings or my relationship with my mother?

But it's related.

Single mothers are often overprotective of their children,

and that can result in a distorted relationship with women.

What a load of crap. I love women.

You only love a tiny part of them.

Love and uncontrolled desire to copulate are two completely different things.

So you acknowledge that men can separate love and sex.

I recognize that wanting sex and wanting to physically dominate a woman

does not equal love.

Now I'm wondering if you might not be a prince.

-What? -Yeah, I played with him, too.

"Prince" is a word for a narcissistic personality.

So, Eduard, you're a narcissist.

Yes, thank you, Přemek, thank you.

The point is, no woman will ever be able to give a man like that

the kind of love he received from his mother.

And that can give him the false impression that he's a godsend to every woman.

-And he behaves accordingly. -Yes, that fits.

Wait, Eda, where are you going?

Look, I don't know where you get this psycho shit.

A guy wants to solve his marital crisis and you start talking about his mother?

Go screw yourselves.

Eddie…

Get the hell out of the way!

Cyril, when asked if he considers sex to be indispensable, writes,

"lately more so than ever."

Sorry to be so bold, Cyril,

but does that suggest that you finally nailed one of those students?

-No, for God's sake, no. -Two of them, then.

Then you've got a new chick. He's got a new chick.

-Or the old one got a second wind. -Women get them too?

I knew one who had two second winds in a row--

Gentlemen, that's enough.

Next question. Infidelity as a sign of weak character.

The answer…

"More or less, yes." Really?

He's got a chick!

And…

And one last question.

Do you love your wife?

Well? What did he write?

-Just, "I don't know." -Oh, come on, Cyril.

You're not sure or you don't want to answer?

I really don't know.

Well, as I said, it's up to you whether you speak or not,

but if you want to move on, you should open up,

it's for your own good.

For my own good, you say?

Are you kidding me?

Alright.

Fine.

Then I'll tell you.

I started something with this sweet, young, lovely girl,

who I thought had understanding and sensitivity.

But I was way off the mark, because she's just as crazy as my wife!

She's always testing me. Do you love me? Are you going to leave me?

-What does she want from me? -Jesus, I don't know!

It's like this…

We slept together, okay?

We did.

And I feel good when I'm with you.

And I'm starting to feel something, something more for you.

And I don't know what to do about it.

But what do you want from me after two months of dating,

I'm just sick of it, Linda!

-Oh, look, our little Cyril's on a roll. -Marta…

Wow, Linda… Banging a patient after the second session…

Good job.

Otherwise, that last therapy session was pretty tough for me.

Namely the mom stuff. That really hit a nerve.

I know my reactions are sometimes over the line, but…

Nobody's ever never talked to me about it like that before,

I mean, in that context.

I don't think I could say it in person…

so I'll say it this way, at least. Thank you.

I'll think about it.

DELETE PROFILE

-Hey. -Hey.

Where are those wenches?

-The new wrenches! -Oh, yeah…

They're in the workshop, in the cabinet.

Jíťa…

-Is something wrong? -No, you see…

I want to apologize.

I know I've been a terrible person and I've hurt you a lot.

I'd like to…

be better.

I promise you, no more…

Sorry, sorry, I'll be right back.

-Hello, gentlemen, may I help you? -We're looking for Eda Malý.

In the flesh.

-What the fuck did I-- -Fem221 will be offline now, Rasputin.

Oh, shit.

Are you okay? Hey!

Hey! Are you okay?

-Wait… -Jesus Christ, I don't fit in here.

You're just doing this to brag anyway.

-Who would I brag to? -Those perverts in therapy.

Look, I only went there because of you.

So I could pick you up.

I didn't quite know how to do it,

and Linda and the guys gave me a little push.

-A push, really? -Yeah.

Not a set of instructions or anything,

it was more about understanding the whole situation

and a little bit of myself.

And it helped me.

Is that a problem?

It's the most romantic confession I've ever heard.

Pospíšil?

You are seriously unstoppable.

Jesus Christ…

Welcome back, babe.

What…

-What happened? -You overdosed on Viagra.

You're lucky Miss Masseuse is a pre-med student.

They had to cut the last guy's off.

Relax, everything is in place.

What on earth were you thinking?

I don't know.

It must have been a momentary lapse of reason.

I'm desperate.

Can't you just leave it alone, Gigi?

I've been thinking about this a lot, you know…

and maybe someone's trying to tell you something right now.

-That I'm impotent? -No.

That maybe the ladies chapter of your life is over.

Maybe now is the time to admit

that there are more inspiring things in the world

than girls and that blue dope.

Maybe you're supposed to be alone.

Or….

or with someone else entirely.

THANK YOU, GOOD FAIRY! KISSES, TEDDY BEAR

HI CYRIL. I REALLY DON'T KNOW HOW TO START. I'M SO ASHAMED. REALLY.

I'M SO SORRY ABOUT THE SESSION, I JUST COULDN'T CONTROL MYSELF.

MAYBE BECAUSE I'M COMPLETELY IN…

-What are you… -I'm so sorry about the whole….

-Me too. -I can't stop thinking about…

I was just about to tell you, I'm so embarrassed…

-Don't be embarrassed. -No really, it was…

-I said it's okay… -No, it's seriously…

How's your eye?

Yeah, it's okay. How's your forehead?

Okay too.

That woman is insane.

I'll kill you!

Marta, leave her alone!

She ruffled us up alright.

Meanwhile, she cheated on me with her business partner for three years.

No way!

Yes.

I'm glad it's over.

What about the girls? How are they coping?

Kája was happy she'd have a new daddy.

Or at least his car.

And Peťa was a little sad at first,

but then she put her hand on my shoulder, put on a sympathetic face and said…

You're not suited for each other anyway.

You know what I realized thanks to you?

My dad left us when I was a kid and ever since then my trust in men…

has been kind of low.

I always suspected David of something.

Love is about trust, isn't it?

That's more like the exact opposite.

It's also true that forcing a declaration of love with a test

in front of four other perverts isn't exactly sexy.

But on the other hand, the situation is actually quite romantic.

I'm so glad I have you.

I love you.

-Ow. -Jeez, stop touching it then.

But I can see my own nose. I feel like it's growing crooked.

You won't look any worse, Eda.

What happened anyway?

By the way, thanks for the message.

That made me happy.

You're welcome.

I guess you're really good.

What's more, I'm starting to like you.

-Should I be scared? -Not like that.

I mean the way you hooked up with Cyril here

and the good advice you've given me.

Really?

I deleted the dating site.

-You did? -Yeah.

But too late.

And he must be pretty damn good because she says she loves him.

I guess I really screwed up.

What am I going to do without her now? I don't know how to live alone.

Come here, you big dummy.

What about your mom?

My mom… I haven't seen my mom in at least ten years.

But that's brand-new information, Eddie.

-Nothing to brag about either. -Why don't you see each other?

She just took care of me like a baby all the time.

I was already in my 20s and she was always shopping and cooking for me

and I hated it, she was smothering me.

Then we had a bad fight and I haven't seen her since.

She tried calling me a few times, but I just didn't call her back.

-Do you miss her? -Yeah.

I just didn't have the balls to pick up the phone

-and say, "Shit, Mom, sorry!" -What on earth are you doing?

-"I overreacted! I love you!" -Sorry.

Sorry, excuse me.

Well, why not do it now?

-Do what? -Call her.

-Yeah. -Are you crazy?

Why? We'll be right here with you to support you.

-We can't do that. -I don't think it's a bad idea.

-You've got nothing to lose. -Exactly. Look…

if you call her and she rejects you…

No, wait! That would be bad. But if she says yes,

then that's fantastic, isn't it?

And you think I should?

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-But it'll be so awkward. -Eddie, pick up the phone and call!

What if she wanted to tell you she had a week to live and you blew it?

Exactly.

Okay.

-Cross your pinkies for me. -Sure thing.

Finally, where have you been?

Is something wrong, Gigi?

I…

I don't know how to tell you.

Přemek died.

Dear Linda,

first and foremost, I'd like to thank you from the bottom of my heart

for opening the eyes of an old man

headed back to dust.

Maybe that is what it took for Hana and I to finally agree to give it a try.

I'm moving next week, so I just hope my back holds out.

As for the issue with Cyril.

You know yourself that there is no all-encompassing higher truth

that says what is right and wrong,

we have only our feelings and conscience to guide us.

It's awfully easy to judge someone and say "you are wrong because,"

but we have all lived through different stories

and our actions in a given situation

can mean different things in the overarching context.

That's why I want to tell you not to be hard on yourself.

You may have made mistakes as a therapist,

but you've helped at least two patients, and that's what counts.

So thank you again and, please,

bite off a piece of that happiness for yourself.

Yours, Přemek.

GENTLEMEN'S CLUB

How did it happen?

It'll sound cliché….

It was during sex.

Heart attack?

He had just enough time to move his stuff to Hana's.

Then he jumped on her and bang,

his heart burst. Apparently it was over in an instant.

Hey, how old was he anyway?

Seventy-eight.

Pretty good for a guy, huh?

When you're 70 you'll talk differently.

-Looks like we've made up. -That's really good, Eda.

Look, I still can't believe it. Just pick up the phone and…

Did something happen?

Sit down, Eddie.

Well, sit down.

-What's up? -Přemek died.

-What? -He had a heart attack.

While having sex.

Seriously?

That's weird.

What's weird about it?

It's a weird coincidence.

-A really weird coincidence. -What are you talking about?

Well, my mom was just crying on the phone,

saying her boyfriend had died. Somebody named Přemek.

What?

She didn't mention anything about sex, naturally, but…

how many Hanas lose their boyfriend Přemek on the same day, right?

Your mom's name is Hana?

-Yeah. -Where does she live?

-Who? -The Pope, man. Your mom!

Where does she live?

Oh, on Slezská Street, if nothing's changed.

4 Slezská Street, Vinohrady?

Fuck me.

So Přemek was kind of your dad.

Yeah.

That old snake was boning my mama!

So he did.

Our Přemek was a jovial and genteel man.

So let's not give in to sorrow and grief, I'm sure he wouldn't want that.

As he often told us guys,

life is like a blink of an eye and what we see in between is up to us.

Přemek, we all promise we will never, ever forget you.

I wish you all the best out there and take care.

Excuse me.

-Hi. -Hi.

Hang on.

Thanks.

Are you okay?

No, I'm not.

Gigi.

They're here together, man.

Don't you get it? Gigi's a fag!

Eda.

Eddie…

I'm starting to wonder if you're not batting for the other team too, Eda.

Never.

Too bad.

I quite like you.

Fella.

Sorry.

How horrible.

It's no big deal, Eda. You can still be friends, right?

I don't know.

Eddie, here you are. Come with me.

-I'd like you to meet someone. -But Mom…

She's my friend's daughter, just turned 50,

-and she's a very smart girl. Come on. -God, but I'm too old for this,

-and Jíťa… -Jíťa's got a man and you need a woman.

So come on, don't worry.

Poor thing.

You almost understand why he ran away from home.

Who's that?

It's the school.

Pardon me.

Zuzanka?

Yeah, tutoring is still on.

Right, I'll be looking forward to it. Bye-bye.

THE DEVIL RETURNS - BACK ON SALE

CULTURAL NEWS: BEST SCREENPLAY - IN MEMORIAM: PŘEMYSL DRAHÝ

Subtitle translation by: Christian Falvey