Original subtitles

Stop desecrating god's holy word!

One, two, three, four. God is what we're fighting for.

- This is not free speech. - Five, six, seven, eight.

- The Bible is what makes us great. - Boycott this movie.

Make Hollywood stop irreverent filmmaking.

God is love!

I mean, I've never seen a line going down the block

in front of one of our films before.

It's a picket line, uncle Max.

Well, you know, maybe the film is just ahead of its time.

You never know, Walter. I mean, when Igor stravinsky's rite of spring first performed

at the théâtre des champs-élysées in Paris,

people were so overwhelmed by its unique atonal qualities

that a fistfight erupted amongst the patrons.

What does that have to do with us?

Well, I'm just saying.

"The movie's excruciatingly bad taste can only be matched

by the ineptitude of its execution.

Truly the only good thing about this film is that

after 90 minutes, it's over."

I thought you said we got a good review.

That is a good review. They liked the end.

Blasphemy! You're the devil. The devil!

- Stop your exploitation. - Five, six, seven, eight.

The Bible is what makes us great.

Uncle Max, I've got to ask you something.

We've been at this a long time.

- So? - I don't know. Do you think maybe we should...

Quit?

- I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that, Walter. - Well, I...

Quit? Are you... are you out of your fucking mind?

Quit, Walter? Bite your tongue.

We don't quit. We're miracle motion pictures.

What's our motto? What's our motto? If it's good, it's...

- A miracle. - A miracle. Exactly.

And why do we call ourselves miracle motion pictures?

Because miracles are out there. They exist. They happen every day.

Not to us, but they're real.

All we have to do is keep our eyes open and our hearts free,

so that when our miracle presents itself,

we're there to recognize it and seize it accordingly.

- Come on. - All right.

Let's go find our miracle.

Great. Can you help me with the check?

Sure.

One, two, three, four. God is what we're fighting for.

Boycott movies made by miracle motion pictures.

They are not miracles. They are blasphemy.

Avon used car. Scene one. Take one.

Hi. I'm Duke mon...

Sorry. We'll go again. Keep it rolling.

- It's fine. We're shooting on videotape. - What?

It's the latest thing. We're always rolling. So ready whenever you are, Duke.

Aah!

Shit.

Hey, Reggie. Glad you're here.

You know, at first, I thought I would put a fucking bomb in your car

like that Mexican kid did in Orson welles' touch of evil.

That kid was shifty.

Then I thought, "no. No. What I'll do is I'll stab him to death"

like Tony Perkins did to Janet Leigh in psycho."

Now that motherfucker really loved his mama.

Then I thought, "no, no, no, no, no. You know what I'll do?"

I'll push his ass down the stairs

like Richard widmark did to that old bat in kiss of death."

Remember Tommy udo?

I didn't see that one.

Well, did you ever consider letting me go,

like Claude rains did to John Garfield in they made me a criminal?

Shit. I hated that movie.

Yeah, well, that's bad luck for you.

I liked that movie.

Unfortunately for you, Max,

this is one time when life will not imitate art.

All right, Reggie. Reggie, listen.

I... I told you, this is the movie business

and that there was always a chance that we could take a loss.

- I told you that. - A loss?

I just went by the theater.

You haven't sold one goddamn ticket.

That's got to be some sort of fucking record.

But that's not my fault. I didn't do anything.

Those goddamn catholics, they all went crazy.

They won't let people into the theaters.

But this is gonna blow over. Wait and see.

And all this press is great for us.

You can't buy this kind of publicity.

Listen to me, Max.

This piece of shit cost me $350,000.

I want my money back. All of it.

Yeah, but I don't have your money. It's up on the screen.

"Sure hit." That's what you said.

- I said that? - Yeah.

- I said that? - Guaranteed hit.

We all heard you say that bullshit.

Well, Reggie, come on. I'm a producer.

You can't always believe every word I say when I'm trying to raise money.

I mean, I get carried away. That's normal.

Just give me time. Give me time and I'll have your money.

I'll have all your money. I promise.

- You're lying. - I swear to you I'm not lying.

I'm not... well, i'm... Okay, I'm lying a little bit.

But hear me out. I'm a hustler. I'm a producer.

That's what I do. And I will... I promise you,

I will look under every rock, every nook, every cranny.

I will leave no stone unturned, I will leave no resource untapped,

until I have your money in full, I promise you.

- With vig. - Yeah, with vig. With vig, of course.

- All right. You got 72 hours. - Seventy-two hours.

After that, I choke you to death.

Like Tony Curtis in the Boston strangler?

- You bet. - Okay.

I like that movie.

But he's so drunk, he can't even stand up, right? So they throw me out there.

Thank god I'm a master of improvisation, you know?

Then I thought to myself, "who gives a shit?

The French don't speak English."

Security. Security. Who the fuck let this guy in here?

- Funny. - Max barber.

Jimmy Moore.

I prefer James.

Well, I remember you when you were just a kid.

That was a long time ago, Max.

Hmm. Things have changed.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Can we go somewhere private to talk?

Sure thing.

So let me guess. You need money?

Is it that obvious?

No. I can't tell from your eyes.

I can't tell from your posture.

You've always concealed your motives well.

That's one of the many things I learned from working with you, Max.

Never let them know what's really going on inside of you. Sit down.

It's all over the street, Max.

You owe $350,000 to Reggie fontaine for your latest opus.

Look, Jimmy... uh, I mean James.

It's all short-term, believe me.

Huh? Oh. What, you got a whole string of hits you're putting together?

All right. Very funny.

I'm just messing with you. I'm just messing with you, Max.

I'm happy to give it to you, for old times' sake.

Thank you.

I'm just gonna need one thing in return.

Terry Miller's script, paradise. I want it.

I... no. I... uh, no, Jimmy.

- No, no, no. - It's the best script I've ever read.

It's a guaranteed best picture for me, and I want it.

I... I... I can't. I can't. Anything but that.

- You can't get it made, Max. - Oh, come on.

It'll cost $10 million to make that picture the right way.

I can get that kind of money in a heartbeat.

You couldn't put that kind of money together in a dozen lifetimes.

Why are you being so goddamn stubborn?

'Cause that script is my baby.

It's what keeps me going, Jimmy. I can't do it.

Wait, you forget who brought it to you?

Yeah. You did. So what? And look who put all the work into it.

Look who had to fuck his widow to get her to hand over the rights.

You did? No, I did. You know what courage that took?

You had a chance to make it years ago when you were almost somebody.

Yeah. You wanted to make it with frank Pierce, for Christ's sake.

- Frank Pierce is a movie star! - Frank Pierce is a bum. He's wrong for the part.

He's dead wrong. He'd have ruined it. Come on.

At least, it would have been something to ruin.

But I, uh...

$350,000, Max.

I'll write you the check right now.

I get that script, once and for all,

and you avoid a shallow grave.

I can't do it. I can't do it.

$500,000, Max.

Absolutely not. I can't.

Seven-fifty.

Uh, I can't. I can't.

All right. A million dollars, Max.

A million?

No, no, no, no.

I... I can't. I can't.

No, no, no, no.

No fucking way am I ever gonna let you have that script.

Every scene is perfect. Every word is a gem.

You're beneath that script. You don't deserve it. I'm never gonna let you have it.

I'm never gonna let you have it. You're just gonna ruin it.

You're gonna ruin it, like with frank Pierce, you...

- You know what? Fine. Fine. - You can't just give me the money?

Gotta put me through this fucking humiliation.

I'll just make it with Walter once you're dead. Same results and money.

I'll will that script to ed wood before I let you get your greasy fucking hands on it.

- Fuck you. - Yeah. Say hi to Reggie for me, you stubborn son of a bitch.

- You say hello. - You know what you make? You make fucking garbage...

And I win oscars.

- Morning. - Good morning.

- What's this? - It's a present from Jimmy Moore but it's an odd one.

What does that card mean? Somebody die?

- No idea. - He also sent this.

Why the hell would he send you a shovel and a bag of lye?

It's an inside joke between the two of us.

You want to let me in on it?

Not really. Any messages?

Uh, yeah. Reggie fontaine.

He just said, "48 hours."

- What the hell does that mean? - I don't know.

You don't know much this morning, do you?

Walter. You're my nephew.

If anything, god forbid, would happen to me,

all this would be yours.

So I suppose you have the right to know what's going on.

We both know that Jimmy Moore has wanted paradise for forever.

- Yeah. - And, well, last night...

He made me an offer to buy the script.

How much?

- It was a lot. - How much is a lot?

- A million dollars. - Oh!

A million dollars. What did you say?

- What do you think I said? - I would imagine you said yes.

- I said no. - What? Are you kid... it's a million dollars!

Walter, what are we if we don't have our dreams?

Rich.

Walter, no, no.

Walter, this script, paradise,

is one of the greatest scripts ever written.

We'd win academy awards. Me and you up there on the stage, taking bows.

Up at the podium, thanking each other. Thanking each other!

But a millions dollars. I mean... I mean, with a million dollars,

we'd not only be out of hock, we'd be living the good life.

With a million dollars, we could make a dozen more movies.

I can't stand the thought of him making this film.

After all the fucking work I did, why should he be doing this?

Why should he be taking bows, receiving accolades when I did all the fucking work?

It was me. Me. Me.

Don't you get that? Me.

I'm not an idiot. I know you're in trouble.

- I'm in trouble? What are you talking about? - Come on.

The flowers and the shovel and the lye and someone saying, "48 hours."

- Come on. I'm not an idiot. - What exactly are you getting at?

I think you haven't painted the most accurate portrait

of our investor, Mr. Fontaine.

You know what? Walter, sometimes you stun me

with your ability to connect the dots. That's amazing.

- Oh, don't patronize me. - I'm not patronizing you.

- Yes. You're being very patronizing. - I'm not...

- Yes, you are. - I'm not patronizing you.

You're talking down to me like I'm your nephew. Yes, you are.

All right. All right. Yes. All right, we're in trouble.

We've been in trouble before. We're always in trouble.

We always find a way out, Walter.

That's what we do. We're miracle motion pictures.

- What's our motto? - Stop with the motto.

- Okay. Look, you were talking about miracles yesterday. - Yeah?

How they're out there. All we have to do is recognize them when they present themselves.

I'll tell you what a miracle is.

It's a miracle that Jimmy Moore wants to cut you a check

for a million dollars over some stupid script.

How could you say "stupid script"?

Don't you... how did you say "stupid script"?

You take that back right now, Walter. You worked on this too.

- Walter! - For once in your life, please, be practical. Sell the script.

Take the money. Let's... look at this place! Let's turn our lives around.

Turn your life around while you still got it, okay?

Please. It's the adult thing to do.

So then we all agree? A million two?

Yeah. Yeah.

Mm!

I'm proud of you, Max. It's the adult thing to do.

That's exactly what I said, Jimmy.

James.

And, um, I'll have the paperwork drawn up and over to you by 6:00 tonight.

And in the spirit of being adult,

here is a down payment

of $350,000,

so that you can take care of your, uh, investor issues.

Come on. Take it, Max.

Again, it's the adult thing to do.

He's kidding, right?

No. He's not kidding.

You're not kidding, Max?

Hey, hey, hey. Stop it. Hey.

Hey, we're gonna find you another great script.

Shh, shh, shh...

Hey, why don't you guys come by the set, okay?

It's the first day of shooting. Frank Pierce is gonna be there.

He's gonna perform a terrific stunt.

Frank Pierce is my favorite actor.

Oh. I'm gonna cast him as the lead in paradise.

Ooh! That's exciting.

- No. - We love frank Pierce.

Let's go visit the set, huh? See him do a stunt.

- No. No. - I would... I would love to meet frank Pierce.

- Hey. - You're not kidding?

- No. Let's go meet frank Pierce. - No.

Frank, give me a second. Let's get you strapped up, bud.

Here you go, darling.

Hey, did I tell you guys I bought a new oldsmobile 442?

- Yeah? - Yeah. It's got a rocket 455 in it.

Cops were chasing me all over Mulholland last night.

Couldn't catch me.

- Wow! A real movie set. - Come on. Act like you've been on a set before.

- That's frank Pierce. Frank Pierce is right there. - Yeah. I see him.

Certainly is. You wanna go say hi?

Well, you think I could? I don't wanna bother him.

It's no bother. I called ahead and told him you were coming.

And he said as soon as you got here to just go right over to him.

Okay. I'll be right back.

You know frank's wrong for paradise.

He's a movie star, Max. One of the biggest in the world.

With him, the picture gets an automatic green light.

But he doesn't have the gravitas to play the lead character.

This is a story about dreams, the stuff that lingers in men's souls.

It's about a man who refuses to conform, who goes on a quest.

Excuse me, Mr. Pierce? I'm so sorry to bother you. I'm Walter creason.

- James said I could say hi. - Ew. Guys, can we lock it up? Where is security?

- Oh, no. I'm... - What's going on around here?

I'm James Moore's associate... Friend... uh, acquaintance.

Oh, that's right. Jimmy's friend, hey. Yeah, yeah. Nice to meet you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Max. I know the goddamn story.

But, Jimmy... James, this is my letter to the world.

How many more movies can I make?

You remember when I was starting this project.

Please, just consider. We can't have someone like frank.

Frank is totally wrong. You need someone who's not happy with the way things are.

You need someone who's looking for a better world, looking for a better life,

who's tortured and living in an alternate universe

but ultimately is forced to confront the demons of his own reality.

You sound like you'd be perfect for the part.

Yeah. What?

It's nice to meet you. Hey, can I shake your hand?

I'm... I'm your biggest fan. Please.

Frank, you're not strapped in yet. You're not strapped in.

Will you calm down, please? Hey.

Not like I haven't done this a million times before.

- Know what I mean? - He's frank Pierce.

I think he knows what he's doing.

Please don't use him.

Don't use him. I'll do anything.

- What happened to you, Max? - What can I do?

- What happened to you, honestly? - Nothing...

- The Max I used to know would kill to get his movie made. - Respect my age, James.

- You worked for me. - Don't let me down anymore.

- Just stand up for me. - You're embarrassing me, Max.

- Stand up for me. - This is sad.

Hey, can I get your autograph?

- Please. - Uh, sure.

Just let it go, Max. Let it go.

This is my letter to the world. Please. Please.

No. I'm giving it to frank Pierce.

Fuck you. Prick.

Here's a pen.

Give me a fucking break.

- Whoa! Oh! - Jesus!

Frank!

Frank!

Looks like that's lunch.

♪ Such a wonderful day yes, a wonderful day ♪

♪ I just saw a movie star fall away ♪

Ha! Walter? Walter?

- Did you see the look on his face? - Whose? Frank's?

How could you see the look on frank's face? He was 20 stories down.

I'm talking about Jimmy, watching his dreams implode

just like frank's head when he hit that bus.

I mean, that look was fucking priceless! Priceless.

Oh, I loved it. I loved it. I loved it. I loved it.

Oh! And I have you to thank for that, Walter.

- What? Why me? - Yeah, because if you hadn't twisted my arm

to go and sign this deal, this never would have happened.

- Oh, god... - You're right, Walter. Oh, god.

It's at times like this that I actually believe in the big guy upstairs.

- I believe in you! - What you're saying is so incredibly horrible.

Schadenfreude, Walter. That's what it's called.

That's what the Germans call it. Pleasure derived from the misfortune of others.

Leave it to the krauts to come up with an actual word for it.

I don't want this party to end. I wanna go back to my place and I wanna get drunk.

- I think I'm gonna throw up. - You can do whatever you want.

I'm going back there and I am going to get drunk and celebrate!

- In other news... - It's on. Come on. It's on. Walter, come on.

- I don't wanna see it. - Oh, come on. You have to.

It's part of the healing process. Come on. Come on!

In sad news today, Hollywood is mourning the loss of one of their own.

Frank Pierce, renowned for doing all of his own stunts,

died today in a fall from the Los Angeles courthouse.

Yeah. We're just, uh... Just shocked, you know?

Do you believe this asshole going on TV like this, sucking up all the glory for himself?

You're a dick. You're a dick, you little shithead.

At this time, I would also like to say that the whole production...

You know, we're gonna cancel it, uh, out of...

Look at this guy. He's so fucking phony!

Frank. I love you, frank. Frank Pierce, man.

Can you just... Did you hear that?

Guess whose movie fell apart this time, jerk-off?

Yours did. It fell. Get it?

It is worth noting, however, that because Pierce did all of his own stunts,

he was insured for five million dollars,

a portion of which James Moore is planning to donate

- to a foundation set up in Pierce's name. - Five million dollars.

Oh, my god. Five million dollars.

This scumbag walks away with five million dollars.

He doesn't shoot a frame of fucking film, and he makes five million dollars.

I mean, I'm beaten. I'm done. He's the devil.

I don't have enough holy water, crucifixes, garlic, a wolf fang to fight this fucking son of a...

- You're a fucking crook! - Okay.

- You little fucking shit! - Okay.

- This is a fucking crook. This is crazy. - Okay. Calm down.

I'm fucking killing me. You see where I live, in this fucking shithole!

And you little fucking fake fucking...

- You little shithead! - You're gonna give yourself a stroke.

Oh, yeah. Please, god, give me a fucking stroke.

Let me die. Let me go right now.

Let me die. This is so fucking unjust.

- There's somebody at the door. Can you please calm down? - What more do I need?

- Hi. - Hi. Delivery for Mr. Barber from James Moore.

Give us a second and, uh, we'll get back to you, okay? Thank you.

Ah. The final nail in the coffin.

Give me a pen, Walter, so I can stab myself to death

and put myself out of my fucking misery.

- You're thinking about this the wrong way, uncle Max. - I am?

- You're not putting yourself in James's shoes. - James's shoes?

Remember on killer nuns when Bernadette's habit caught on fire?

- Yeah. - Well, how would you have felt if she burned to death,

and all you had to show for it was a lousy insurance check?

You know what, Walter? As always, you're right.

Thank you.

All right.

Let's give this back to James.

You did it. You went through with it.

I gotta be honest. I didn't think you were gonna go through with it.

Of course, I'm gonna go through with it.

Here you go. Wait, wait, wait.

Let's give the young man a nice tip here

- for going out of his way. - Sure.

- Here you go. And that's for you. Thank you for waiting. - Sure enough.

Thank you. You did it! You signed it.

You went through with it. I'm so proud of you. How does it feel?

Surprisingly wonderful and invigorating.

I feel very inspired all of a sudden.

A whole new sense of purpose is washing over me, Walter.

We're making our next movie, and I wanna be in production as soon as we can.

It'll be our greatest venture into the world of cinema.

I love it when you get inspired. What script do you wanna make?

- What? - What script do you wanna make?

Uh, the blue one.

- The blue one? - Yeah.

This is the oldest gun in the west. This is uncle Eddie's script.

Yeah. May he rest in peace. The oldest gun in the west. It's perfect.

- You hate this script. - Hated. Past tense.

- So you like it now? - Like it? I love it.

I can't think of anything more worthy of being put on celluloid.

- That's what I've been saying forever. - I know.

I love this script. How could you not love the story

of a washed-up cowboy finding out that he has Indian blood

and then helping his tribe drive out all the bigoted members of the town

that have settled on their land after screwing them over in a horrible land deal?

It's a... It's a magnificent story.

Oh, my god. All this time, I thought you weren't even listening to me.

Of course, I've been listening. Sometimes it takes a little time

for the words to sink into this skull of mine.

So what do you say, Walter? How about it?

Are you kidding me? I am so in, partner.

- Let's go find our star. - Okay. Back at it.

I don't know about this, uncle Max.

- These people look really... - Talented?

- Old. - Yeah. That's the point.

- There's a lot of dangerous stunts in this film. - I know.

Walter, my dear nephew, who doesn't love a comeback?

Think of what we're gonna do.

We're gonna give one of these forgotten souls

one last shot at glory while giving their adoring public,

our ticket buyers, the chance to relive their childhoods.

I mean, that's beautiful, isn't it?

- It kind of is when you put it that way. - Yes.

Come on.

- Morning. - Good morning, gentlemen.

- Good morning. - Are you here to tour the facility?

Well, not in the manner that you're thinking. We're producers.

Film producers. My name is Max barber.

This is my partner, Walter creason.

And we're from miracle motion pictures.

We're looking to cast our male lead

- in our new film. - Oh.

- Did you say producers? - Yes, I did.

I lived in New York for 35 years.

I did 16 Broadway musicals.

I'm a singer. I'm a dancer. I did two shows with Bob fosse.

Hack! What you need is someone with real acting chops. Not some old hoofer.

I starred alongside Laurence Olivier,

Ingrid bergman and Orson welles.

- Well, that's impressive. - That's impressive.

Oh, you wanna see impressive? Watch this.

Oh!

Oh! My heart. Help.

Doctor!

I'm telling you, if he's not actually dead, that was pretty damn convincing.

Who gives a shit if he's alive or dead? What you need is a strong female character.

I think we'll probably go just a little bit younger with the female...

- I was a child actor. - Were you?

Maybe you saw me in the dead end kids. I was the kid on the end.

You gotta get me out of here.

Come on back to my room and I'll show you

just how right I am for the role.

Uncle Max, one of them's got me.

- I'm trying... - No. I'll pay you.

Put me in the trunk of your car. Just take me with you.

- Just take your fucking hands off me. - Take me with you.

Go. We'll talk to you later.

Quick. Walter, in here.

Uh, sorry to interrupt.

Oh, my god. You're Duke Montana. The man with the golden lasso.

Uh, you think you fellas can give me a little privacy here?

- You're Duke Montana? - Yeah. That's Duke Montana. What are you doing, Duke Montana?

My daily game of Russian roulette.

You could kill yourself doing something like that.

- It's more like euthanasia. - But it's wrong.

Wrong? I'm gonna kill somebody, son.

- You reckon you'd rather it be you? - Wait, wait.

Duke. Duke. Mr. Montana, you can't kill us. We're producers.

I've always wanted to kill producers.

Look, even ones that came here to give you your next part?

- My next part? - That's right, Duke.

Now, if you... if you'll put that gun down,

my partner here and I would like to offer you

- the leading role in our next film. - Shit.

Uh, can we just have a quick chat?

Yeah. Excuse us a moment.

- One moment. - Yeah?

Him? You're offering him the part?

Yeah. I'm offering him the part. He's perfect.

- He's suicidal. - He's a star, Walter.

- He's worked with John Ford, John huston. He's perfect. - That was 20 years ago.

So what? Think about all the pain and hardship and anguish that must have brought him

to this very moment in his life where he's ready to kill himself.

Imagine bringing that pain to this character.

- I mean, that's charisma. That's depth. That's gravitas. - That's insane.

- No, it's not. - Let me save you boys the trouble.

- You don't know what you're talking about. - I'm not interested.

I'm totally washed up.

I have no desire whatsoever to make any kind of a goddamn comeback.

I just wanna die.

¿Comprende, amigos?

¿Comprende, amigos?

Duke, I... I've got to tell you, as an experienced producer,

you are perfect for this particular part.

I can't think of anybody better than you.

You know what? Let's leave him alone. I think he might be afraid.

Afraid? Duke Montana's not afraid of a goddamn thing!

No, no. Duke, I didn't mean afraid afraid.

You don't think I can do this role?

No, you're the one who said that you were finished.

- I'll be the judge of that. - That's right.

You let him be the judge of that.

- He was the judge of that. - He is the judge.

- And I'm the judge of it. - You both judge...

Goddamn it.

Oh...

I'm in, fellers.

I am in.

Duke.

- Congratulations. - Yeah.

Oh. Hey. Is Bess home?

No, Mr. Montana, she's not here.

Yeah.

Will she be back later?

No, sir. She's out of town.

Oh.

You know if she's been reading my letters or throwing them out?

Oh, hell. Never mind. That's not a fair question.

Ah, just... just tell her that I was here.

Please, you tell her that I came by.

Sure.

Yeah.

Hey! You guys should pay rent.

I hope that's my money you got in that bag, Max.

Well...

I got moo goo gai pan, I got ribs, egg rolls maybe. Anything else, huh?

All I want is my money.

Just give me my money, and me and the boys will be on our way.

What? On an empty stomach? Come on, Reggie.

Why don't you guys grab some plates over in the cupboard over there

and some silverware over in this drawer over here,

and then I could tell you how you can make some real money?

How about five times more than your money?

Don't tell me you want me to invest in another goddamn movie, Max.

That's the exact same spiel you used before.

But the difference is... The difference is this time,

I can absolutely guarantee that you're gonna make a ton of money.

You guaranteed it the last time.

Same shit, different day, Max.

Then I'm guaranteeing it again with a completely new guarantee. How about that?

All right. That's enough.

Choke the fucking life out of him.

No, no, no, no, no. Please.

Reggie...

- What? What? - Don't you at least wanna hear what I have to say?

About some goddamn movie? No. All I want to hear is you struggling to breathe.

But, Reggie, I'm telling you, this can't fail. Just listen.

You can crush my windpipe in a minute, but just listen.

All right, Max. One minute. You got one minute.

Okay. Ooh, oh, boy. Yeah.

Uh, well, look, I got a script. I've got Duke Montana.

- Duke Montana? - Yeah.

Duke Montana.

- He's alive? - Yeah. Barely, but he's alive.

All I need to get this payday going,

all I need to do to get this absolute guaranteed payday off the ground,

just some money, that's all, just a little money.

How much money, Max?

A million dollars?

Kill him.

No, no, no. That's not a minute.

You said you'd give me a minute...

It's not a minute...

That's not a minute. You said you'd give me a minute.

Cut me some slack. We're not really gonna be making a movie.

We're gonna make it look like we're shooting a movie. It's a scam.

Whoa. Wait.

Let him go.

Come over here, maxy.

Have a seat.

Now you're speaking my language. What do you mean a scam?

A scam.

But we make it look like we're actually gonna be putting together a movie,

that we're serious about it, the bigger, the better.

We'll make an entire movie.

We heavily insure the star who will do his own stunts,

which Duke Montana will do,

and on the first day of shooting,

bang, we kill him in a stunt.

He's dead, and the insurance companies,

they pay us all off.

And then what? We're rich. We're rich.

- You say you got egg rolls? - Yeah. Yeah.

Find the egg rolls.

How is it a guy making a million-dollar movie don't have a better car?

Well, Duke, I don't believe in ostentatious flamboyance.

- I believe it corrupts and corrodes the creative process. - Creative process?

Your last movie was about a bunch of fucking nuns slashing people to ribbons.

That ain't exactly Shakespeare.

Trying to hurt my feelings. That what you're doing?

You got feelings now? You told me you're a motion picture producer.

Fine. Okay. Any other sober insights you'd like to get off your chest?

Yeah. Who in the hell would finance

a million-dollar movie with me,

a broke-down, over-the-hill has-been?

That don't make any sense.

Max is financing it himself, Duke.

Yeah, he just came into a bunch of money.

He's putting every dime he has into it.

- You really did that? - Yes, I did.

What are you? Stupid?

No. No, Duke. I'm not stupid at all. I believe in you.

I believe in Duke Montana and I believe that your big comeback

is exactly what the world wants to see right now.

- Go ahead, yeah? - Go ahead.

He is the oldest gun in the west, correct?

Now, he's not what he used to be. No.

Shaking hands, huh? Failing eyesight.

So, I want to shoot the whole movie

with a camera that is always shaking, huh?

The camera, it's, like, it has uh, Parkinson's disease.

- Do you understand? - Uh-huh.

And all of it should be... Should be out of focus, huh?

Just like his failing eyesight.

Yeah. The whole movie should be... should be shaking and out of focus, all of it.

Yeah. That's a... That's a way to go.

Oppression, motherfuckers. That's what this movie is about.

Indians ain't nothing but niggas of the west oppressed by whitey, and the cavalry the man.

When this white cracker, ofay motherfucker

finds out he's got Indian blood coursing through his veins.

So, what does he do?

He embraces his own inner nigga

and takes over the goddamn imperialist government machine.

Do you smell that?

It smells like an Oscar.

Well, I felt like I really connected to the story,

and especially the main character.

As a matter of fact, my heart broke for him.

It seemed as if he was living a lie.

It was as if all along he knew that he was something else.

He just didn't know how to express it.

I know this character.

I know this character very well.

And I know if you give me a chance,

I can do a great job.

But you're a woman.

- So? - No. It's, you know...

It's just kind of, like, a guy's movie, right?

There's a lot of gunfights,

big stunts, drinking, womanizing.

But your movie is so much more than just that.

- Oh, is it? - Yes.

She'll do. Hire her.

Uh, but, Duke, with all due respect, it's sort of a guy's movie, you know?

- Yeah. Hire her. - Yeah. But, Duke, it's like a rootin'-tootin' western.

You know? It's very masculine.

Okay. Our star has spoken.

Congratulations.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Thank you, guys. Thank you.

Thank you. You won't be disappointed.

Thank you, Mr. Montana.

When I was a little girl, my dad would take me to the movies to see you.

When you'd appear on screen, he'd say, "now, that is a hero.

That's what a real man looks and sounds like."

Well, now, I know.

He was right. Thank you.

Thank you, guys.

She'll do.

Sitting all alone?

Uncle Max, I don't know how you did it, but once again, you pulled it off.

Ah. Well, thank you, Walter.

These people are ready to die for you.

Not the best choice of words, but again, thank you.

And the... and the setting, they just did... the atmosphere, it's perfect.

Uncle Eddie would be very proud of us.

- May he rest in peace. - Amen.

By the way, the cherry on top, did you see that old drive-in we passed on the way up?

- No, I didn't. - Well, it's pretty beat up.

But I asked around. The projector still works.

We could screen our dailies underneath the stars.

- How great would that be? - Wonderful.

- We should do it. - Yeah. That's... we will.

Definitely gonna do that.

You know, I'm just so happy.

I've heard this expression before, but I never understood it until this movie.

I know what they mean when they say, "movie magic."

- You said it. - I'm very proud to be your partner.

- To success. - In whatever form she may come.

Mr. Barber, the animal trainer is here for you.

- Oh! - Excuse me, Walter.

Sure. That's exciting.

- Oh, hey, Mr. Barber. - Hey. Hey there, Duke.

- Everything all right? - Oh, sure, fine.

I'm just thinking about having a drink.

Good. Good. Well, have a whole bunch. Charge it all to me.

That's very kind of you, Mr. Barber.

No problem. My pleasure.

Hey, Mr. Barber. You're paying for everyone's drink?

No, not yours.

Max barber. Bob stillwater.

- Hey, Bob. Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you too, I guess.

- Yeah. Well, guess what? - What?

Here he is. This is gonna be our stunt horse, old butterscotch.

- Beautiful horse. - Oh, he's not just a horse.

- He's not? - No. Butterscotch is a champion. A giant.

- Well, he's a legend amongst legends. - Mm-hmm.

John Wayne says it's the greatest horse he's ever ridden.

- He did? - Yes, sir.

- Wow. - Oh, yeah.

Tell him, butterscotch. Tell Mr. Barber how many movies you made with John Wayne.

- See that will be one, and that'll be two. - Wow.

And that'll be three and that'll be four.

Four?

Oh, now he's just lying.

You stop all that lying, butterscotch.

Well, sometimes he'll do that. I got this.

Oh, somebody was telling me you wanna know everything old butterscotch here can do?

Well, I do, Bob. Why don't we discuss it over a couple of drinks inside?

Oh, you read my mind.

Johnny Carson.

Where the hell is he going?

- Where's he going? - Yeah.

Going back to the trailer, settle in.

Take a nap. Watch the tonight show.

- The tonight show? - The tonight show. Don rickles is the guest.

- Okay. - That's got to be butterscotch's favorite.

Who doesn't like Don rickles?

That's quite the impressive steed you got there, Bob. I gotta say.

I mean, when I saw him take off for his trailer to catch Carson,

I said, "oh my god. This is amazing."

- Well, actually that's just the tip of the iceberg. - Really?

Oh, yeah. You should see everything he can do.

- Like what? - Like what?

- Yeah. - Well, like if you say the word "pumpkin," he's gonna bow.

- He bows? - Yeah.

If you say... if you say the word "mattress," he'll lay down.

- Nice. - Yeah.

Hey, listen. If you... If you say the word "rocket"...

- Then what? - Pew! He's gone, like a bat out of hell.

Yeah, right.

- Oh yeah. "Sassafras." - What happens?

- He rears straight up. - He rears up.

Straight up.

- That's something. - That is something.

I heard there was a word that if you even suggest even the beginning of it,

- somehow he will just go ape shit. - No, no, no. No, mm-mmm.

You sure? You can just tell me.

I mean, I'm not gonna say anything to anybody. Just tell me.

No, no. It's too dangerous. He gonna get somebody hurt.

- I'll take my chances. - Are you sure?

I'll never say it in front of him. I'm just curious.

Hey, listen, listen, listen, listen. Okay. If you're that stupid...

- Yeah. - It's "rhubarb."

Rhubarb?

Rhubarb.

What happens?

No, no, no.

- You don't wanna go there. Oh, no, no. - Okay...

- Yeah. Let me see. - Amazing.

Oh, buddy. Hey, let me get a light from you.

Yeah. Right there, buddy. Oh.

Oh, man. Thank you so much.

Look at you, man.

Yeah, we're down. Very good for you, man.

Well...

- To butterscotch. - Oh, yeah, to butterscotch, huh?

Ooh!

Amazing horse.

I just got to make a couple of notes about tomorrow's shoot, Bob.

Give me a second.

- I wanna thank you, sir. - Oh, about what?

I'm no ingrate, Mr. Barber.

- I think I've been a little bit tough on you. - Oh...

I've found most producers to be the lowest form of human life imaginable, you know.

People that would throw their own mother out the window just for a ham sandwich.

- You, sir, you're different. - Thank you, Duke.

If it wasn't for you, I'd be six foot under up on boot hill right now.

- Uh-huh. - Gonna use the bathroom...

Kalispell, just outside of whitefish. You ever hear of it?

Uh, no, no, I didn't.

My dad raised me to be a farmer, not a cowboy.

We raised wheat and barley, lentils, garlic,

sugar beets the size of pumpkins,

- homemade sarsaparilla. - No kidding. Wow.

Listen, I have a very important note I have to write here.

Okay. How can I help you?

- Well, no, no, it's for my mother. - What I'm talking about

is the fragrances of rhododendron, Mr. Barber.

- The rhododendrons? - The lonesome cry of the mischievous coyote.

Flathead Indians, Missouri breaks.

- That's nice. - Wigwams.

I have no idea what you're saying, but it sounds nice.

What I'm trying to say, Mr. Barber,

is that you are a cool drink of Cheyenne spring water

after a long gallop across the golden, arid prairie.

Thanks, thanks.

Shit. I am sorry about that. Here...

- Big help. Thank you. - Sure.

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

- Over there. - Perfect, perfect.

Megan, are you sure you wanna shoot that way?

You'll be shooting directly into the sun.

I want my star backlit. I want him to look glorious.

- Now put the camera right there. - Yes, perfect. Perfect.

Megan... hi. All the wagons are brown.

Can we just please add a splash of color in there somewhere?

No, Danny. I want them to look real.

You know, dirty, like the wagons who traveled hundreds of miles across the plains.

Got it. More brown. Why am I even here?

All right, everyone. We gotta get this film finished. Let's go.

- This is our first shot. - Yeah. That's what I said.

Finished, meaning one step closer to the end. That's good.

- Max, we need to have a safety meeting. - Yeah, good idea.

- Like now. - Hey, Duke.

- Yo! - Yeah. We're gonna start filming now.

You mind hopping on old butterscotch here?

Be right there.

Yeah.

Okay.

Whoa.

- Where's Bob? - Bob's not feeling so great today.

But don't worry, he told me everything we need to know.

- Are you sure? Is that safe? - Walter, are you questioning my professionalism,

my dedication to my craft, which hasn't seen an accident in over a year?

- Our last film wrapped a year and a half ago. - Irrelevant.

And even if something were to happen, which it won't,

we have the best set medic in Hollywood standing by right over there.

Mattress.

I'll ask you next time to get all your facts straight

before you attempt to slander my good name, Walter.

I'm sorry.

Are you sure you're gonna be able to do this stunt, Duke?

Of course, he can do this stunt. He's Duke Montana.

I'll be fine.

You know, you look pretty handsome up there on that horse.

Let's make a movie.

Oh, shit. Hold up! That's my horse!

Everybody set to one. Picture's up.

- Megan, I have an idea, if I may suggest something. - Sure, Max.

I was thinking instead of just a simple jump, why don't we make this look really spectacular.

- I'm listening. - Well, this being the first shot of our movie

and our introduction to Duke, instead of him just galloping along and jumping into frame,

why don't we do it through a wall of fire?

Let's set the wagons ablaze and have Duke and his beloved steed

jump through the flames, sail through the air

and land right into a close-up to save the settlers.

- That sounds very dangerous. - That sounds great.

- Get those wagons lit. - Great. Set them ablaze. That'll be some color.

You sure we shouldn't talk to the trainers about this? It's very dangerous.

- No, we don't need to do that. - Usually you rehearse...

Walter, Walter, for the last time, I know what I'm doing.

Stop fucking bothering me.

Ready and action.

Duke! Medic!

Awful hand of fate that has dealt us these cards.

I can see it now in the obituary in variety,

"Duke Montana, he died with his boots on."

If he were alive right now, I know he would be saying...

Where's that damn horse at?

- Duke? My god, you're alive. - There you are.

If I come off you again, me and you is fixin' to have some fisticuffs.

Is that clear?

All right then, let's do this again. Wardrobe.

- Try to stay handy, will you? - Duke, are you sure?

Oh, hell, yes. I'm sure. I just need to talk to my director.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, my god. That was so close.

Yeah. That was close. That could've been a big tragedy.

We could've had a big tragedy.

- We're so lucky. - Yeah, we are lucky. Yeah.

Reset. Let's go again.

- Back to one. - And action!

Cut!

Perfect. Great.

Moving on.

Shouldn't we just get one more for safety? For protection?

And maybe we should set up an even bigger, bigger fire, to make it more effective.

- We can at least try that. - I like what I got. We're moving.

- You know, I'm really starting to like her. She's very decisive. - Hey, Duke.

Hey, Duke. Duke, great job up there. I like what you're doing.

Can I get you anything, like, uh... Like a root beer with sassafras?

No, sir, I don't care for root beer.

How about something for lunch? How about lentil soup?

Oh, that'd be swell. I like lentil soup.

- Now, how about pumpkin? - Oh.

With lentils? No, thank you, sir.

What do you look so happy about?

Rode... rodent? Rhap... rhapsody?

Rotor, runner? Rhubarb?

Jesus, uncle Max. Are you okay? You took off like a rocket.

My horse, my butterscotch, just like that, gone?

That horse looked up to me like I was his father.

And I looked at him like he was my son.

Oh, don't worry, Bob. We're insured.

Insured? Did you realize my horse is priceless?

And I'm gonna sue you, and I'm gonna sue you,

and whoever else is responsible in financing this debacle,

for every penny you're worth.

What's his problem?

I don't know.

You know, on the bright side, this is one of our best first days ever.

Best? Best? What are you talking about?

I mean, we lost our featured horse, we're getting sued,

- I got ejected from my own feet, Duke Montana's still... - Still what?

Still as good as ever? Because he was incredible today.

And Megan said she got some fantastic stuff.

- What the hell does she know? - I have no idea.

You're the one that wanted to hire her but she's our director.

I'm not talking to anybody. You hear me? Nobody.

I don't care if it's Christ on a cross.

- Nobody. - I'll get it.

Hello.

- It's Reggie fontaine. - Give me the phone.

Hey, Reggie.

How are you?

Thanks for calling.

So the cowboy... dead, right?

- Yeah. Uh, no. Well, not... - Wait. What do you mean no?

You said, "dead." You said, "dead by noon."

Dead. Like William Holden in sunset boulevard.

Well, he's doing... he's doing great actually today, yeah.

I mean, you should've seen him. He was, like, amazing.

Jumping the horse like he was only 50.

It was really... Really something to see.

I don't wanna hear that shit!

I wanna hear that he died tragically.

We're gonna make that happen, Reggie. Wait and see.

Tomorrow, we're shooting this fantastic rope bridge scene.

I mean, you've never seen a chasm this deep.

I... I mean, it's... it's gonna be a real killer. Wait till you see.

It better be, because if not, I'm gonna hunt you down.

I'll hunt you down like lefors did Newman and redford

in butch Cassidy and the Sundance kid. Do you hear me?

Thank you, Reggie. Thank you. And again, thanks for the call. It was very nice of you.

Reggie, I told you I never trusted that motherfucker.

What a sport.

Why the hell is Reggie fontaine calling you?

- What? - Why is Reggie fontaine calling you?

I don't think I like your tone.

Well, I'm sorry, but I wanna know why he's calling you.

- Well, what do you think? - I have no idea. That's why I'm asking.

I'll tell you why, because the word must already be out there.

- What word? - The word that every producer

wants to hear being said about their movie on the first day of production.

- I have no idea. What's the friggin' word? - Hit.

- No. - Yes, Walter. Hit.

- And that's what we've got. - Really?

A hit. It's already on the street.

Already on the lips of people in the know.

Being whispered like the wind in every corner of tinsel town.

And it's obvious that Mr. Fontaine

is trying to work his way back into my good graces.

But you heard what I said. I was nice to him,

but I really was telling him to go fuck himself.

Yes!

A hit. I knew it. I was feeling it. Oh, I'm so proud of you.

Oh, I have to be honest. I thought you were up to something shady again.

I'll forgive you this time, Walter.

Thank you.

We're just waiting on the star talent.

So you're gonna have to hang in there,

but we're gonna get to you soon.

Great job on the bridge.

Sure. More brown.

No. It's beautiful.

I'm sorry. I'm actually seeing someone else right now.

Hey, can I talk to you fellas for a minute?

Sure, Duke. What can we do for you?

I'm not too sure how to say this.

- Duke, you can tell us anything, so... - All right, then.

Okay. I really don't wanna get out there on that bridge.

Oh, but, Duke, this is the scene where you cross the gorge

into the sacred and forbidden Indian burial ground,

where you awaken the spirit of your great-grandfather,

therefore revealing to your character and the audience

that you're actually one-eighth Indian.

I don't care why I'm crossing the goddamn gorge. I don't like heights.

The great Duke Montana doesn't like heights? Oh.

That right there is the reason I don't ever tell anybody about it.

But, Duke, look, if we're to get this incredibly poignant and important scene,

the one that would win you your academy award, if you want that,

and I know you do, there's no way that you can't cross that bridge.

- You have to cross that bridge. - That's easy enough to say from where you're standing.

I'll see you fellas when you find a new way for me to reach the burial ground.

Perhaps a little liquid courage would help? What do you think?

- No. - You sure?

- No. - Uh, you know what, Duke? You're right.

It is easy to say from where we're standing, but look.

Hey, Walter. Walter, what are you doing?

- Don't worry, uncle Max. - Well, yeah. But what are you doing?

- Don't worry. - Walter. Walter.

See? Duke, it's perfectly safe.

Sure, when you're that close to solid ground, but what about out in the middle?

- All right. - Oh, no, no. Is this... is this really necessary?

- It's okay. It's okay, uncle Max. - Is this really necessary?

- It's... it's good. Look. - I like a man who puts his money where his mouth is.

- Well... - Are you convinced it's safe now, Duke? Look.

No, how about a little bit further out?

Oh, okay.

No, no, no. Walter. Walter.

Walter.

Now?

No. Get further on out there.

Walter! Walter. Enough. Stop.

The scene is not worth it. Come back.

It's okay, uncle Max. It doesn't matter. We can't shut down.

We're making the greatest movie ever. It's totally fine.

That is the kind of passion and commitment to a project that gets my blood rolling.

You have yourself a scene, Mr. Barber.

You got this, Duke.

Okay. Okay.

Let's shoot.

Rolling.

And action!

- This is gonna be great. Watch this. - Oh, no.

- What are you talking about? This is great. - No, yeah. No, yeah, sure.

And cut. Reset.

Let's go again.

Back to one.

- Hurry up, people. - Listen to the lady director.

Mach schnell.

Come on.

Hey, I think I'm over my fear of heights.

- Yeah, Duke. - That's great, Duke!

Duke Montana is not afraid of heights.

Run!

- Roll the fucking camera. - Yes, yes, perfect.

Everybody clear the bridge.

- Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. - Duke.

Yeah, do it.

Yeah!

- Yeah, Duke Montana! - Cut it!

I know. I know.

Did you get it? Tell me you got it.

You got it? You got it? Yes! Oh!

Duke Montana, everybody! Duke Montana!

Good job, Duke.

Hi, I'm Duke Montana and I'm here to talk to you about my good friend...

From the rio grande to the rocky mountains...

- Hello? - Who the fuck is butterscotch?

- What? - Who the fuck is butterscotch?

Uh, he's a horse.

I'm being sued for a million dollars

because you lost a fucking horse named butterscotch?

No, no. No, we'll find him. We'll find him.

You're goddamn right you'll find him.

And what about the fucking cowboy?

No, let me guess. Not dead.

No. No.

Max...

If you're fucking around with me...

I swear before god, Max,

I'm gonna throw your ass off a roof.

Reggie, I... I promise you, I'm doing my best.

It's not that hard to kill somebody!

Oh, no, but you don't know this guy.

He's got like nine lives, Reggie.

Shoot him.

Strangle him. Poison him.

I don't give a fuck how you do it, but do it!

If not, I'm gonna come up there and do it myself.

And when I'm done with him, I'll be starting on you.

Yeah, yeah. Ah, yeah, yeah.

This motherfucker hung up on me.

From Hollywood, the tonight show...

Hey.

Oh, look who's here.

Butterscotch, so happy to see you.

Come on, come on. You wanna watch the show?

Rodney dangerfield, Dr. Joyce brothers.

Anthony newley.

♪ What kind of fool am I? ♪

It's okay, come on. You can... come on...

What are you thinking?

Joey bishop.

Oh, he's good too. You're gonna enjoy him. Come on.

- Here's... Joey! - What?

Fuck you, butterscotch.

There you go. Nice horse. That's it.

That's it. That's it. Good horsey.

Hey, thanks for coming back, Bob. I really appreciate it.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm still suing you.

Well, yeah. Do what you got to do, okay.

So tell me about old mordecai here.

Mordecai come from a very long, prestigious line of bulls.

- Do you realize who his great-grandfather was? - No.

"El jefe" Jose Gonzales.

- Oh. - Oh, yeah, and he's a bad son of a bitch.

- Really? - Oh, yeah.

Killed 14 of them damn matadors in less than three weeks.

That's right, 15.

So mordecai charges whenever he sees the color red?

Jesus Christ! Come here.

Don't ever let me hear you say that word around him again, you understand me?

I'm the only one here that can control that big bastard.

He goes ballistic and crazy if he just sees that color.

And you need to tell your crew, if you haven't.

Well, oh, yeah. I told everybody to steer clear of mordecai here.

- Well, that's good. - What's the story on this bull?

Excuse me. Excuse me. Well, Duke, this is the scene

where the cowboys fight the Indians over the bull that they stole from you.

I know what the scene is about. It just doesn't make any sense.

Why in the world would an Indian steal a white man's bull

when there's three million buffalo standing out there?

That's a good point. But let's just focus on today's work.

- Can we do that? - Okay, fine. Tell me about the bull that don't make any sense.

Well, no, he's a stunt bull. He looks mean, but he wouldn't hurt a fly.

- Sounds hanky. - Hanky?

As in ridiculous.

Uh, no, no, it's the newest thing, Duke.

You've been out of the business for a long time.

Believe me, Duke, this is state-of-the-art.

By the way, where's that big, beautiful, bright red hat that I gave you?

I like my hat. I gave the red one to that little kid down there.

What? What kid?

- Walter. Walter. Walter. - Yes.

- What's with the kid? - Oh, Megan had a great idea this morning.

Instead of Duke just facing off the bull,

first, he's gonna go rescue that little boy named Lyle.

- What? - Isn't that exciting?

No. It's... Why didn't you tell me this?

Oh, it's gonna be great. You're gonna love it.

First positions.

Looking good, Lyle.

Rolling.

Ready and action.

And action, Duke.

Get up there. Come on.

Gosh dang, what's the matter with you?

Whoa.

Shit.

Harriet. No, no, no, no!

Harriet, no, no. No! No!

No, don't!

Hey, look! Butterscotch. Whoo!

Stunt bull, my ass.

Get on out of here.

And cut!

Yeah!

Hey, Mr. Barber, can I get you anything?

Ooh!

Wow, uncle Max, you sure are light on your feet.

I gotta tell you, you almost dodged that bull.

Yeah.

Lie down. Put your feet up.

Fucking thing looked like Satan.

On the bright side, butterscotch coming back

is something we never could have planned.

And I was thinking, it totally encapsulates

the heroic nature of Duke and the Indians and the townspeople.

And even Megan said it's some of the best stuff we've gotten.

Yeah. Fucking fabulous.

There's a note here from Reggie fontaine. Don't worry, it's more good news.

He says, uh, he's gonna come to set tomorrow

to make sure we end up on the front page of the trades.

Can you believe that? He sure is nice to go out of his way

to help out on a movie he's not even involved in.

Duke, whatever happened to you?

Oh, I don't know. I think I'd rather not talk about it.

But you know what? I'd really like to know.

If all my years have taught me anything,

it's that you have to be what you are.

With no apology.

Even when there ain't no role to play.

All I want to do is make movies.

- Fuck you. You should be dead now. - Uncle Max.

No matter what you think you saw, I was not talking to that horse.

What? Come here. I've got to show you something.

You're not gonna believe this. Just come with me. I got a surprise for you.

You gotta see this.

Come here.

Walter, I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in seeing...

Start it up. Just trust me. Start it up.

- Oh, my god. - I know, uncle Max.

Walter, oh, my god.

I know, uncle Max.

- Did you see what he... - It's incredible.

- Oh, my god. - I know, uncle Max.

Walter!

I mean, it's a hit. It's a bona fide hit.

- Yeah. - It's wonderful. It's breathtaking.

Duke Montana, he's... he's...

I've never seen him look virile, more alive. My god.

- Oh, my god, oh! - What? What?

Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Duke! Duke.

Harriet, where's Duke? Where's Duke?

- I don't know, Mr. Barber. I think he went to his trailer. - Duke!

- What's going on? - Stay over there. Stay there. Stay back. Stay back.

Duke? Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Duke, where are you? Duke? Duke!

Yo.

Hey! There you are. I wanted to ask you something.

Whoa!

You've been trying to kill Duke Montana.

- What? - You heard me.

Who are you?

You don't have amnesia, you lying son of a bitch.

Is that how you talk to your own flesh and blood who's just coming out of a coma?

- A coma? - Ow.

You've only been out three hours.

You never had any intention of making a great movie.

You are incapable of making a great movie.

You just wanted to take the easy way out and cash in on the insurance.

And that's why you invested your own money.

Just the idea that you were never even gonna tell me any of this!

- Well, I didn't think you'd approve. - Of course, I don't approve.

You see? Keeping you in the dark was the best thing for all of us.

- Not Duke. - Duke?

Duke had a gun in his mouth when we met him.

He wanted to die. We gave him the greatest gift of all... the will to live again.

And besides, you know what? This is really all your fault.

- What? - You're the one who killed frank Pierce.

You're the one who wanted to go on the set,

and you're the one that put that idea in my head in the first place.

Your ability to twist things around is incredible.

How you can just... you... you... You cherry pick information

and you just mold it into whatever you want.

It's truly incredible. How do you do it?

I got to know because you make... You make greed seem palatable.

You make murder seem just, you know, it's swell.

What kind of a human being are you?

Well, I'm a producer, Walter. That's my gift.

You know what? You're nothing more than a garden-variety psychopath.

I mean, that... that is finally becoming clear to me.

My god, gambling on this insanity with... With your own money is

the only quasi-respectable thing you've done this entire shoot.

You're not gambling with your own money?

Oh, please tell me you didn't get us into bed with Reggie fontaine again.

- Oh, my god! - That's my line.

What happened to all the money you got from selling paradise to Jimmy Moore?

I never signed that contract. I told him to go fuck himself.

- Why would you do that? - Why would I do that?

He doesn't deserve that script. He's beneath that script.

I'll never let him have that script.

I'd take that script to my grave before I would let him have that script.

- Are you kidding me? - You are an insane person.

Fine, Walter, sticks and stones. Call me whatever you want.

But we need to protect our movie right now.

We are on the precipice of greatness, of cinematic glory,

or dare I say it, academy awards.

There's only one thing stopping us now.

That Reggie fontaine is on his way to kill Duke Montana himself.

And possibly you and me.

Help me find my shoes. Where are they?

What are you doing there, sheriff?

- Afraid I can't let you into town. - And why is that?

Anyone siding with the injuns ain't welcome here.

That's where you got things wrong, sheriff.

I ain't on the side of the Indians. I'm on the side of right.

You know this is where they shot gunga din?

- Who's gunga din? - And why did they shoot him?

Never mind.

How you wanna do this, boss?

Publicly.

It's your move, sheriff.

Go get Duke and meet me at the drive-in.

- Drive-in? - Yeah, trust me.

You don't want any Indians in here, you better be reaching for that hogleg on your hip.

Cut, cut.

Who the hell are these guys?

Who cares? At least it's in color.

- Rhubarb. - Hmm?

Rhubarb! Rhubarb!

- Oh, no. - Oh, shit!

Motherfucker.

Duke, we gotta get out of here. We gotta go. We gotta go. We gotta get out of here.

Get the car. Get the car. Get the car.

Hurry up!

Butterscotch, no! Come back. Come back.

Sorry, Mr. Montana, but I'm gonna have to kill you.

- Kill me? - Under different circumstances,

I might be telling you how much I appreciated your work

in silver spurs or save three for papa.

You liked that fucking movie?

Oh, yeah. A lot.

But, well, I... I got to kill you.

Reggie, Reggie, don't do something you're gonna regret, please.

- Don't do it. - "Reggie"? Do you know these guys?

I'm not gonna regret any part of this.

Matter of fact, I think I'll kill you first, Max.

Great job, Duke. Now what?

Now what? How about telling me what the hell is going on here?

Whoa, whoa.

Duke.

Oh, my fucking shit.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Maxy, goddamn. I think you did it, partner.

- That's our movie? - Yeah. That's it.

I would say this is some of your best work, Max,

but that wouldn't be saying a whole lot, would it?

But let me be the first one to say it to you. Oscar.

Huh? Huh? How much more you got to shoot?

- One day. - One day?

I'll see you in la. Yeah?

Uh, Mr. Mon... Duke?

Duke? Thank you.

- Mm-hmm. - Okay.

Put them guns away. We're not killing anybody.

Can I at least throw a bullet at the motherfucker?

Like I said, would you mind telling me what's going on here?

Well, Duke, I... I... I just, I don't want you to be upset

with what I'm gonna tell you.

Oh, heck, Mr. Barber, you can tell me anything. We're friends.

Duke, Duke, you can't.

Why the hell not? You were trying to.

- What the hell are you doing? - Max is sorry he was trying to kill you, Duke.

- Ah, shit. - Which Walter inspired me to do.

- No, I did not. - Oh, yes, you did. Oh, yes, you did.

I did not. The point is, Duke, we all want you alive.

- Of course, I want him alive. - Ah, damn it. This is not about me living or dying.

- It's not? - No.

Duke, you're not making any sense.

I have been trying to destroy myself

because I broke her heart, the love of my life.

I can't let her go.

Who, Duke?

Bessie.

Bess Jones.

When I was in New Orleans, I wound up in a black club.

Blues, they had Willie proudfoot playing.

She looked at me with those big beautiful eyes and she sang.

And I knew right then and there, she was the one for me and me for her.

I was about to sign a million-dollar contract and the studio boss says,

"Duke, you got to make up your mind.

Are you gonna be a rich western movie star

or do you wanna run off with your black girlfriend?"

So you chose stardom?

Who the goddamn hell is telling this fucking story?

A happy, well-adjusted man with his soul mate at his side

or an angry, broke-down, emptied-out, uh, suicidal drunk?

Why don't you guys get out of here so that I can kill myself?

- No. No. No, no, no. Duke. - Duke. Duke!

Duke!

Now you listen to me, you son of a bitch!

I'm sick and tired of this shit.

I don't give a shit about you, or your sad story,

or your fucking colored Louisiana blues-singing girlfriend.

I have bled through my ass for this fucking moment,

and I am one scene away from my fucking Oscar.

You're gonna stop with the booze, stop with the gun, and stop with the bullshit!

You're gonna get a good night's sleep.

You're gonna have wonderful, beautiful dreams

of prairies and mountain streams with deer and antelope playing.

And in the morning, you're gonna wake up refreshed,

drink a pot of fucking coffee,

you're gonna do the goddamn scene,

and you're gonna do it brilliantly.

And after that, when our director yells "cut,"

you can stick a bazooka up your ass and pull the fucking trigger for all I care.

But you will be on that set tomorrow morning at 7:00 A.M.

And you will finish this movie!

That's the most honest thing anybody has said

this entire shoot.

Life is really just one big mistake, isn't it?

I mean, it's so precious.

And we treat it like it was meaningless.

I was playing poker one time with this old Chinese feller named chen liu.

Long, white, flowing hair, boniest of hands, far too many teeth.

And he was laughing and drinking and having a good old time.

And I swear, he had the biggest pile of poker chips in front him I had ever seen.

Thousands of dollars. Thousands upon thousands.

Hell, he had so many poker chips, he was giving them away.

And then his pile of poker chips dwindled.

And it dwindled some more.

And as the evening went on, old chen sobered up...

And realized what he had done.

I wish I had been a little bit more respectful of the pile of poker chips

that god put in front of me to get started on.

But you know, that's life.

Mistakes and lost poker chips.

One great, big, beautiful...

Mistake.

And cut.

That's a wrap.

We did it.

This is Sophie Renee. It's a beautiful summer evening in Los Angeles,

and we're all here for the world premiere of the oldest gun in the west.

We're waiting for the stars to arrive.

We have some producers, we have some of the actors,

and this is the big return of Duke Montana,

one of the greatest Hollywood icons ever to grace the silver screen.

Excuse me, gentlemen. Hello.

Max barber, Walter creason, you two are the producers of the oldest gun in the west,

which many are saying is going to be the one to beat on Oscar night.

- How are you feeling? - Well, we're very honored and humbled to be here,

and this is what happens when a lot of talented individuals

all come together with a singular vision and purpose.

It's quite special.

Let's just say that my uncle and I believe in miracles.

- Yeah, that's for sure. - Oh. That's lovely.

Oh, excuse me. Megan Albert.

I heard your work is amazing in the picture.

You're one of the very few female directors in Hollywood. How does that feel?

Well, I really hope that I can inspire more women to become directors.

I really have Max barber, Walter creason

and, most of all, Duke Montana to thank for believing in me.

- Aw. - She's cool, huh? We met at work together.

Oh. Uh, what's next for you all?

Well, actually, uh, now that I'm the president of the studio,

I've signed Max, Walter and Megan to a multi-picture deal.

In fact, my first project out of the gate is gonna be the epic paradise.

And I will be co-financing

all future miracle motion picture pictures.

Right, you heard me.

Just like Humphrey bogart muscled out Jimmy cagney in the roaring twenties.

Do you remember that, huh?

- That's right. Yeah. - Huh? Remember?

Like the brother just said, we in the "bidness"!

You dig? We're gonna be doing black movies too with black actors. Right on.

Okay. So, Max and James, rumor has it that over the years,

you two have had a very contentious relationship.

You care to comment?

Well, Jimmy and I have talked this over

and we both agree that there's nothing as tenuous

as enemies in show business.

Yeah. I mean, you can't believe everything you hear.

Max barber is a great, great

grandfather figure for me, always has been.

Okay, gentlemen.

Well, thank you for stopping and I wish you all the best tonight.

- Thank you. Okay. - Thank you.

- What the fuck was the "grandfather" thing? - I told you not to call me Jimmy.

Well, don't call paradise your movie, 'cause it's not.

Can we at least agree that it is ours?

No, it's not ours. I had to sign the...

- Max, come on. Max. - Look who we have now.

Hey, come on. It's our movie.

Yeah. Yeah. Good enough.

Duke Montana. How does it feel to be back on top?

Oh, I don't know.

I guess it's very nice if you all came out to see an old cowboy.

Aw, well, congratulations. We wish you the best of luck tonight.

- Duke? Come on, you're gonna miss your big comeback. - Come on.

- I'll be right with you, partner. - Hey, Duke.

Come on, Duke. This is more your night than anybody's.

I don't do very well in crowds, Mr. Barber. I...

I think I do better in, uh, wide-open spaces.

But we need you. Come on, come on, come on.

Mr. Barber, I can't do it.

Hey. Thank you for trying to kill me.

Thanks for not dying.

Okay.

Duke!

- We love you! - We love you, Duke.

You're the best, Duke.

I hope you find what you're looking for.

Bess home?

From miracle motion pictures,

the studio that brought you cows from beyond...

Bigfoot was my lover,

the hackensack blowtorch atrocities

and the time-honored classic, mantula...

Comes a new movie

that literally tests the boundaries of cinema.

The sisters of eternal sorrows take their vows

very, very seriously.

Fuck.

Madone. these are some hot nuns.

Say your prayers.

Killer nuns.

They're cleaning up the streets in their own special way.

Ah, jeez.

This is a big score for the orphanage.

The kids are gonna love this.

Killer nuns.

They're nuns with a bad habit.

Get these freaking cops off of me.

Okay. Gun it.

They're sisters on a mission.

That's the good shit, kid. Enjoy it.

Selling drugs to babies?

Hey, i'm... I'm a catholic.

So are we.

They're tough. They're mean.

Killer nuns.