Original subtitles

It's official.

"Pat!" is now the number one show in daytime.

And to thank my fans, you can now Win-A-Chance

to come see a matinée of "Chicago" with me, Pat.

Starring Audrina Patridge as Mama Morton.

Enter to win at ThePatShow.com.

- Okay. Reset camera. - That was great, Mom.

Let's move on to number 12.

Do you have a sad, grumpy friend who needs a pick-me-up?

Then enter them to win a shopping spree with me, Pat.

Sponsored by Mastercard, but paid for by me personally.

- Great, number 13. - Hold for camera reset.

Brookie, we're really scheduling a lot of these.

But don't forget that I have Lisa's son's wedding in Ohio next month.

- Keep reading. - "Do you like weddings?"

"Win-A-Chance to come to my friend Lisa's son's wedding

in Ohio next month... oh, with me, Pat."

Okay. Great.

Thanks, Mom. That's all of them.

Oh, there's actually one more in the prompter.

No, Melanie, we said we'd lose that one.

Oh, but this one's for the whole family, Brookie.

That's... that will be so much fun.

Oh, God.

Ugh, I am not doing one of these again.

I know. I tried to get rid of it.

Slow down, Gail.

This is so fun.

- Hi. - He... hey.

I'm so sorry to keep you waiting.

Can I get you some water?

- Oh, I'm okay. - Okay.

Thanks so much for meeting with me.

I know it was crazy to email you

'cause you represent so many big people, but I...

I really need a new agent.

And I know I'm good.

I just haven't really been given the chance.

Well, you certainly come from a talented family.

- What exactly would you like to be doing? - Acting.

You know, I wanna audition for a movie

or a miniseries or even one of those Netflix shows

that just comes and goes and no one even sees.

I think we can make that happen.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

That would be great 'cause my last agent

only ever sent me out for hosting gigs.

And, you know, I'm not a host, I'm just an actor.

Well, you're not just an actor though, right?

What's this now?

Well, it's not enough to be "just an actor" these days.

We here only represent multi-hyphenates.

You know, actors who can also write.

- Oh, my God. - I mean, being just an actor's sad,

but being an actor/writer?

- My absolute God. - This is such bullshit.

Uh, well, luckily, I do write.

Yeah, I...

I actually just finished a web series.

I mean, pilot.

Uh, it's actually more of a feature.

- I love features. Can I read it? - Shit. Yes, yes.

Yeah, I just...

- I just need to polish it up and... - Great.

How does Monday sound?

- And then hopefully we can move forward? - Sure.

- Yeah. - Yeah. I will send you

a full-length feature film in three days and then I can act.

- Terrific. - Makes sense.

Great.

Ugh.

Wow, Brooke, you look like shit.

I'm sick from working all the time.

- How are you so healthy? - I'm not.

I've had pneumonia for 20 years,

I just don't make it a thing.

Okay.

Wanna talk to you about pulling Chase from that church.

Thanks to his little speech going viral,

he's now being sued by Pastor Jax Dag,

Pastor Jax Dag's dad, and Seinfeld.

- Not sure why he cares. - Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I just...

- I thought it was the right thing to do. - Are you kidding?

It absolutely was.

You haven't arrived till you've been sued, Brooke.

Beyoncé's lawyer wants to represent Chase.

We're in the big leagues now, baby.

I'll make sure to CC you on all the lawyer emails.

Oh, good. I've been wanting more emails.

- You're killin' it, Brooke. - Yep.

That's why I nominated you for "30 Under 30."

- What's this now? - Every year,

"Variety" does a list of the Top 10 actors, singers,

and creative directors who are 30 and under.

I nominated you.

If you get it, there's a photoshoot and a gala.

So this would... this would be something for me?

Like, lil' Brookie gets a thing?

I almost didn't nominate you because I thought you were 40.

But then I checked your Wikipedia,

and it said you were 19, so I asked Chase,

and he said you're still 30 for a couple weeks.

Oh, my God. Thank you, Shuli.

You have no idea how much this means to me.

You're not on it yet.

It's still up to this woman Dina who runs "Variety."

She picks the final 30.

It's just whatever names she's been hearing the most.

So obviously Chase is a shoo-in.

Anyway, the list comes out on Monday.

Okay, so Dina just needs to hear my name

as many times as possible before Monday?

- Brooke, don't do it. - Shuli, I am absolutely doing it.

- Have a great day. Thank you so much. - Thank you.

Hi, I'd like to buy this Moleskine because I'm a writer now,

- as you can tell from my gloves. - Cool. You know, I'm a writer, too.

There's... there's actually this little theater

in the back of the store and I'm workshopping

my one-man show later today if you would like to come?

Oh, thanks, but I... I can't.

I'm starting a screenplay.

Yeah, I'm more in the feature space.

Yeah, I've never really written before,

but as they say, write what you know.

So I'm gonna tell "The Cary Dubek Story" like only I can.

- Well, good luck. - Thanks. Thank you.

Yeah.

Oh, do you know where I could also buy a thin little scarf?

_

Seems like enough for now.

And you know, to create art, you... you first need to see art.

Hey, Brooke, Dubek.

Just calling to see where you are.

Oh, no. You can't come shopping anymore

because you're too busy with your clients,

ChaseDreams and Pat Dubek?

No, do not apologize.

You are as kind as you are a creative director.

Hi, can I help you find anything?

I'm the manager of this store, and I'm 40.

Unlike Brooke Dubek,

who's the manager of two huge superstars and is only 30.

Oh, crikey. This suit's a beaut.

I feel like a regular Brooke Dubek.

I'm taking a break from writing a feature.

I actually... I just finished the outline.

- Cool. - Yeah.

What's it about?

The year, 2004.

The setting, Ohio.

And me? Gay.

And not only was I gay,

but I had a dad who was not like the other dads.

I had a dad who was mean.

And that was hard for me.

And I mean, even our kangaroos

know the name Brooke Dubek.

Wait. Brookie?

Hi, honey.

What? No, I'm not Brooke.

Mom, what are you doing here?

Oh, I'm here with Carla, the grumpy lady

who won a chance to go on a shopping spree with me.

Which reminds me, how long is a "spree?"

Pat, do you like this cardigan?

I love it, Carla.

- Hey, hon, do you like these jeans? - What about this scarf, Pat?

Hold on a second, Carla.

I still haven't gotten my answer about the jeans,

and Saturdays are usually our shopping day.

I won this.

Brookie, would you maybe wanna come pitch in on Carla?

She and Streeter aren't really getting along.

I'd love to, but again...

I'm not Brooke Dubek,

- so toodle-oo. - Okay, honey. Bye.

But I sure would give every boomerang I own

to be Brooke Dubek.

She really does put...

Look, I know what you're doing, and it's pointless.

I finalized the list last night.

Oh.

Okay, well, then I guess... fuck.

No.

Not fuck.

Can you imagine writing that

and thinking that's enough for a story?

Yeah, I'm gay?

My dad was mean? Then what?

Like, I kept waiting for him to get gay-bashed or something.

Yeah, definitely wasn't enough.

But maybe if one of his parents died...

Ugh, so overdone.

- I can't with dead parents anymore. - Yeah...

Hey, Mackenzie,

could I get a little bit longer with my script?

Just wanna make sure it's super polished.

Sure. How about Friday?

Yeah. Great. Great.

Excited to send you a fully original,

never-been-done-before movie in less than a week.

- Great. - Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Hi, Brooke Dubek, "30 Under 30."

Brooke Dubek, soon to be seen in "Variety."

I just want you to know that I appreciate you.

I'm usually behind the camera too,

but today I'm in front of it.

What's this for again?

Mm-kay, very funny. Ha-ha. It's for "Variety."

It's one of the largest trade publications.

Oh, sorry, I have a call.

Hey.

I did it. I wrote a screenplay.

Cary. I knew you could.

Yeah, it actually flowed outta me pretty easy.

It's about this old man

who comes out of the closet after his wife dies.

But it's also about his son, sort of a Ewan McGregor-type

who meets this French woman at a Halloween party and...

Cary, that's the movie "Beginners."

- What? - Yeah, and Ewan McGregor is in it.

You were obsessed with it, remember?

You made Lance and I watch it while you sat facing us.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. How did I do this?

Hey, Chase. Are you excited for our photoshoots?

- Yeah. I'm... - Just a reminder that today

I'm not your manager, I'm your peer.

How did I not realize I was writing the movie "Beginners"?

And my script is only 59 pages. What did I leave out?

- I'm guessing a lot of the nuance? - Fuck!

I said I was gonna send her something today.

Why do I even have to do this? This is such bullshit.

Why don't you just go and have a new life experience

- and then write about that? - What's an experience I can have in one day?

I don't know, but I gotta go 'cause I'm about to get in hair

and makeup, and girl, you know that takes forever.

Okay, actor, singer, or creative director?

Creative director.

Okay, all set.

This is the Metro North. Next stop, 15 minutes.

15 minutes, next stop.

Hey, this is crazy, but what if we just got off this train right here,

and just spent the day together?

See where it takes us?

Are you trying to "Before Sunrise" me?

No, that's already a movie, so I can't do that.

Our day would take very original twists and turns.

- What twists and turns? - I don't know.

That's what you're supposed to help with.

So what do you say we just figure it out together?

- No. - Ugh.

- Hey, this is crazy, but... - No.

God. Is no one on this train a film?

Great, Chase. You're hot. You're a king.

- God, this looks so cool. - What's this for?

What do you mean? It's "Variety's 30 Under 30."

It's a big deal. You're one of the top 10 singers in the world.

Does that mean I can sing again soon?

Remember that we're peers today

and that's really more of a manager question.

Okay, that's a wrap on Chase.

- Moving on to Brooke Dubek. - Ooh, Chase, do you wanna watch me?

- Yeah. I'm just gonna grab a water. - Okay.

I cannot wait to see my setup.

What's the theme? Underwater, '20s?

Uh, it's just this.

Okay, minimalist. Cool.

I just need to know what wardrobe to hop into?

I brought two suitcases filled with options,

and there is an UberXL idling out front with more.

All right, that's a wrap on Brooke Dubek.

Brooke, you're gonna kill it.

- You missed it. - Next up is Tavi Gevinson.

Let's break out the wind machine.

Now approaching Preston Station.

Excuse me, sir. You look like you've lived a full life.

Mind if I adapt it into a major motion picture?

Hi, ma'am, what's your life story,

- and can I tell it through film? - Hey, I have a story

and no one's ever been brave enough to tell it.

- I will. I'll be brave. - Okay.

Did you know over 100,000 dead people vote every year?

- God damn it. - Wait. Cary?

- Hi, honey. - Mom, what are you doing here?

I'm on a Win-A-Chance.

Phyllis and I are going apple picking upstate.

Traditionally a couple's activity, but three is fun too.

Would you wanna come and maybe pitch in on Phyllis?

- She's a very unique woman. - I...

I can't. I have to go figure out a whole stupid screenplay

- to write from scratch. - Oh, I didn't know you were writing.

- Since when? - Also, none of those dead voters are white?

- Put that in your script. - I'm not writing that, bitch.

Yeah, bitch!

Okay, well, call and let me know how it goes, Cary.

- I will. - And say hi to Jess.

Great, Tavi. Yes.

You're a businesswoman. You're making calls.

Can I please just take a few in this setup?

I am a literal businesswoman.

Look, what she's doing up there right now?

- That's my whole day. - What's this for again?

- "Elle"? "Vogue"? - Oh, even better, girl.

It's actually for "Variety's 30 Under 30." You're on for acting,

and I'm on for creative directing.

- Cute. - Okay, bitch.

All right, that's a wrap for the day.

Are you sure you can't...

okay, well, before everyone leaves,

to thank you all for your hard work, I got a taco truck.

It's not here for another two hours

'cause I thought my photo was gonna take longer, but...

Tavi, tacos?

Okay, I'll see you at the party, girl.

Okay.

You can do this. You told her you'd send her something,

so just write something.

You already have the title,

so just scroll down and write any first line.

Oh, I'll start with a flashback.

But to what? And from where?

Okay so, it's a guy and a girl.

Wait, fuck, how do girls talk?

Okay.

Huh?

Okay.

_

Fuck. Hey, Mackenzie.

- Hey, Cary. How's the script coming? - Good.

It's very good, actually.

- Just polishing it. - Great.

I was wondering can I get just like a little more time?

I'm sure whatever you have is fine, just send it.

- Seriously. Send it now. - You know what?

What the hell. I'll send it.

And you can just see.

- You can finally see. - Great.

Oh, my God, "30 Under 30."

This is so cool. I mean,

the photoshoot sucked ass but who cares?

This is the main event.

Well, I'm glad you're killing it 'cause I haven't heard

from Mackenzie since I sent her that title page a week ago.

Oh, my God. Don't be so hard on yourself.

You wrote "Beginners." That's a great movie.

I wonder who's gonna be seated at our table.

Maybe Dua Lipa? Or Alessia Cara.

Oh, my God, remember when I DMed her, like, 1,000 times?

That was so lame.

But tonight, we're going to actually meet as, like,

peers in the industry.

- Oh, my God, Brooke. - What?

That's not me calling us that now.

It's "Variety."

Oh, cool.

I should probably try and find Chase.

- Hello. - Hey, buddy, where are you?

Hi, Brooke. I'm with Beyoncé.

Oh, my God. She's only 30? That's insane.

Yeah, we have the same lawyer now, so she invited me.

Invited you where?

To the Nets game.

What?

Why aren't you at "30 Under 30?"

It's the industry's biggest night.

Shuli says I'm not supposed to go to things like that.

Oh, shit.

Mackenzie's here? Oh, God.

I cannot talk to her, it'll be so bad.

Chase, "30 Under 30" is a huge deal.

You could have met Alessia Cara.

- Oh, I just did. She's here too. - What?

But she's supposed to be here.

No, Shuli said actors and singers don't go. Just people like you.

Okay. That doesn't make any sense.

Chase, give the phone to Alessia.

Sorry, Brooke, I gotta go. We're about to be on the Jumbotron.

Well, if none of the real people are going to be here,

then what loser no-name am I gonna be seated next to all night?

Oh, my God.

- Sup, B. - What are you doing here?

I'm on "30 Under 30."

- How? - I tried to tell you that last time I saw you.

Nike licensed my dry erase shoe. You know Nike, right?

And I took that money and I started my own label.

And now I'm in talks with Shawn Mendes.

You know Shawn Mendes, right?

And we're talking about doing our own line together.

So yeah, I'm kind of a celeb streetwear designer.

This is a nightmare.

You know, I think I am gonna go talk to Mackenzie.

What? You said it would be so bad.

Not as bad as this.

That sounds great. I'll see you Friday.

Okay. Thanks.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

- Cary, oh, my gosh, hi. - Hey, Mackenzie, good to see you.

I'm guessing you read my script.

You can do this.

You told him to send you something.

So read it. Just fucking read it.

You've already got it open to the title page,

just scroll down and read it. Oh, God.

Just fucking read it. Read it. Read it.

Just scroll down and read it.

Yes.

I did read it. And I loved it.

I love the beginning, I love the middle, I love the end.

- Really? - Yes.

Well, good, 'cause I wrote... I wrote the whole script.

I'm a great writer and I wrote it.

And I'm a great agent and I read it.

Ugh.

So I guess it's just you and me.

- How have you been? - Good.

- I can leave if you want. - No.

No, it's fine.

Hey, congrats on getting "30 Under 30."

And right under the wire, since your birthday's tomorrow.

Oh, is that what all of this is for?

Yeah, I didn't even know.

This was not really a big deal to me at all, so...

Hey, Mom. Just calling to update you.

- I got some exciting news... - Hey, Car, it's Streeter.

I got your mom's phone. We're at Lisa's son's wedding.

Oh, right. How is it?

I don't know. I'm outside.

Your mom had to take Helen Biesel

from Iowa as her plus one.

Oh, weird. Well, I'm gonna go.

No, no, no. You can tell me the exciting news, you know.

I'm sort of a parental person in your... hello?

I'm dancing with Pat!

You know, this may not be a big deal to you,

but it is a huge deal to me.

I've been working my ass off lately,

and I really wanted this.

That's sad for you.

This is embarrassing, but I even brought

two suitcases full of options to the photoshoot.

- You did? - Yeah.

And I had Uber out front with more.

I had an UberXL.

Hell yeah, you did, girl.

I just feel so stupid because nobody else is here but...

- But it's a big deal to you? - Yes.

This is a big deal to me.

- And you really wanted this? - I did.

- I really wanted this. - And you got it.

Yes. Yes, I fucking got it.

That's cool. That's cool.

Just because this ain't cool enough for Alessia or Dua,

doesn't mean that it can't be cool enough for you-a.

I'm serious, B.

Out of the whole world, there's only 30 people

allowed to be on this list, and we're two of them.

That is dope as hell.

And you know what else is dope?

There's a red carpet over there

which means that Getty Images is here.

- Of the Watermark Images? - Guess what?

- I got that agent. - Oh, my God, Cary.

- Congrats. - Permission to pound?

Permission granted. Wait, how did this happen?

What about the script you didn't write?

She didn't read it. She just pretended to.

Remember when I said it was bullshit?

I needed to write just to act?

Well, it was. It was literal bullshit,

which is actually kind of liberating.

Like, that was all fake.

Yeah, Car, this whole industry is fake.

- What? Lance? - No, I mean, not all of it is fake.

- This is real. - Yeah, no, the awards stuff is real, of course.

Okay, cool. Well,

I'm gonna do the red carpet. Cary, do you wanna come with me?

- No, that's okay. It's your night. - Okay.

Car, what else is different about you? You been fucking?

I... I have been fucking. Yeah.

And this is insane to tell you,

but I recently found out that my dick is bigger than yours?

Hell yeah, Car.

I always knew you were packing.

Oh, my God, wait.

Mackenzie's, like, already forwarding me auditions.

This is so stupid. You know what?

- I think I am gonna do the red carpet. - Yeah, boy.

Get up there with that big ol' dick.

Can I get one more here?

Brooke Dubek, "30 Under 30."

Cary Dubek, actor/writer.

Yo, B. Midnight. Let's go.

♪ Happy birthday to you, ya, ya, ya ♪

- ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ - ♪ Ya, ya ♪

♪ Happy birthday ♪

♪ Dear Brooke ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Ooh!

Thank you.

- So how old are you? - 31.

- I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. - What?

Mmm.

- God, these nachos are so good. - I know, right?

This is actually a perfect start to my birthday.

Just sitting on the ground,

eating shitty food in a shitty, little apartment.

- Brooke, this is my apartment. - Oh, sorry.

- It's gorgeous, Cary. - Mm-hmm.

And hey, thanks for

- being such a good friend in there tonight. - You got it, homie.

Anytime.

Also, you're not doing a clothing line with Shawn Mendes anymore.

You're doing one with Chase.

Okay. Hell yeah. Fuck Shawn Mendes.

- Oh, God. Would I? - I know, right?

He's, like, small and big.

Hey, listen. I don't wanna ruin this,

but I feel like I should tell you.

I'm seeing someone.

It's new, but she's sorta my girlfriend.

Is that okay to say?

I don't know. It depends.

Is she skinnier than me?

I shouldn't have.

- No, it's cool. I'm happy for you. - Thank you.

Whoa, I really am.

That's great.

Okay, hopefully these are something.

I cleaned out my fridge while I was writing.

- Aw, thanks, Cary. - Hey, happy 31, B.

- Thanks. - Cheers.

So wait, Lance, what are you working on now?

Okay, so it's a hoodie,

but the hood is so big that it doubles as a sleeping bag.

So do you, like, crawl into it?

If you need to.

- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -