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- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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♪ And forgive us our trespasses ♪
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♪ As we forgive those
who trespass against us ♪
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♪ And lead us not into temptation ♪
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♪ But deliver us from evil ♪
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- I'd like to talk today about
- _
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a very demonic show
called "Will and Grace."
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While I do think the woman
who plays Karen is funny,
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Grace lives with a homosexual man.
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But Leviticus says, "If
a man lies with a male,
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they shall surely be put to death.
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Their blood is upon them."
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You are embarrassing this
family and are in big trouble.
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Wake up!
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Maybe if church wasn't
so goddamn boring.
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- But what Leviticus...
- Safe another day.
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God, there's so many hot
people here. It's insane.
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I know. Oh, I love the Soho house.
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It's too bad I look like
shit for a living now
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and do nothing but work.
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Oh, you should go on Grindr here.
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You could absolutely fuck tonight.
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I dunno. I'm still kinda nervous.
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Oh, my God. Relax.
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Everyone's on Grindr. I am on Grindr.
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- Wait, you are?
- Yeah.
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Just to get TV recommendations.
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It's how I first heard about "Fleabag."
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I mean, I did create a profile.
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I just haven't pulled the trigger yet.
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You did? Lemme see.
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God, Cary!
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This is the least sexy
picture I have ever seen.
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It's supposed to be of,
like, your butt or dick.
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Okay. I do not have pics
like that on my phone.
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Ugh, well, I do. How about this dick?
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00:02:03,897 --> 00:02:05,574
No. That's Noah Centineo's.
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Every person alive is
gonna recognize that.
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Okay, fine. How about Lance's?
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Can't believe I still have
this stupid thing in here,
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but it was gorgeous, so it'll work
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- till I guess they see yours?
- Okay. Fine. I'll use it.
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Now, can you please stop
talking about dicks at church?
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♪ Jesus fucking slays ♪
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♪ He fucking slays all goddamn day ♪
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♪ And you know it ♪
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♪ Jesus fucking slays ♪
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♪ So we should party in his name ♪
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- ♪ Do real dope shit ♪
- Oh, my God.
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I wish our church growing
up was as cool as this.
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Sup, fam?
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You guys as excited as I am?
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Of course not, I'm the one
whose son is getting baptized.
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- He's not your son.
- Ugh, great, this guy's back.
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Yeah, no. He's not officially my son,
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but perhaps one day you
will all be my children.
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Okay. All right. Where is our mom?
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Oh, she really wanted to be
here for this blessed event,
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but unfortunately she was called
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to do the Lord's work elsewhere.
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Madame Tussauds will
be closing in one hour.
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Wow! That looks just like her.
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That's because it is me!
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Look, we got a camera!
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Wait, so why is Chase getting baptized?
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- I didn't even know he was religious.
- Cary, this is a celebrity church.
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You don't come here to worship.
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You come here to be famous
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or to collaborate with
other people who are famous.
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Yeah. And we wanna keep moving Chase
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more into the fashion world.
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And this is where Kylie and Kendall
met to start their fashion line.
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- Aren't they sisters?
- Both: Yes.
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Sorry. It's my agent.
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You never have to
apologize to me, my son.
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- Hello?
- Car!
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- What do you say to being on Grindr?
- What?
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Why does everyone want
me on Grindr so bad?
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I got you a gig hosting a quiz show
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that plays exclusively on the app.
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So in between guys deciding
who they gonna fuck,
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they can guess where Cher was born
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- to win a year's supply of PrEP.
- No! I...
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I want acting roles.
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00:03:56,048 --> 00:03:58,316
There are so many TV shows now.
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It's statistically impossible
for me not to be on one.
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00:04:01,112 --> 00:04:04,748
I just saw my upstairs neighbor
who's a shut-in on "Ozark."
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00:04:04,808 --> 00:04:08,583
So you know what? I'm not doing
this again with another agent.
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- You're fired.
- No. No, no!
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00:04:11,679 --> 00:04:14,046
Okay, Car, what was that?
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00:04:16,274 --> 00:04:19,738
Oh, my God. How did I just
get 50 emails in six minutes?
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Hi, there. I'm Lou.
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This is Jagger and Seinfeld.
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- Hey.
- Holy shit.
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I mean, hi.
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Sorry. You guys are all just so hot.
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Everyone from my church growing up
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looked like a mean sack of flour.
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00:04:34,795 --> 00:04:38,313
- You're joining today, right?
- Oh, no. My client is.
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00:04:38,344 --> 00:04:40,125
I represent ChaseDreams.
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Aww, that's too bad.
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00:04:41,627 --> 00:04:44,099
We were gonna invite you on
our Church trip this weekend.
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00:04:44,112 --> 00:04:47,489
Oh, thanks. But I don't
really, like, build houses.
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Houses? No. We're going to Mykonos.
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00:04:50,820 --> 00:04:53,042
We're on Hailey Bieber's team,
and she has a photoshoot there.
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So we were all gonna go
and take the church jet.
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Oh, well. Bye!
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00:04:57,742 --> 00:05:00,030
Okay. Bye.
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00:05:00,667 --> 00:05:02,065
Seinfeld?
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00:05:02,098 --> 00:05:04,187
All right, The baptism will
start in just a few minutes,
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00:05:04,234 --> 00:05:07,565
so please take your seats. And
remember, the gospel of the Lord.
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00:05:07,655 --> 00:05:09,115
Drink water, you guys.
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00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:11,162
- Hey.
- Hey.
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00:05:11,193 --> 00:05:13,749
- How was your call?
- Bad. I fired him.
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00:05:13,818 --> 00:05:15,515
- What?
- He never listened to me.
116
00:05:15,547 --> 00:05:18,762
I've been submitting myself
for roles on Actors Access.
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00:05:18,773 --> 00:05:21,539
- Oh, Debra.
- 'Cause there are roles out there, like,
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this morning I submitted
for a part on this new
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"Riverdale" spin-off.
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00:05:24,733 --> 00:05:26,908
It's to play an elderly
teacher with dementia.
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00:05:26,929 --> 00:05:29,277
- And I am the exact right age for that.
- Yeah.
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00:05:29,314 --> 00:05:31,859
But I'm sure no one
will even see my tape.
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But you know the producer of that show
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- is a member of the church.
- What?
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Yeah. You should talk
to him after the baptism.
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I mean, Chase isn't the only one
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00:05:38,730 --> 00:05:39,946
who can make connections here.
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Whoa, I absolutely will. Thank you.
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Anything...
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00:05:44,510 --> 00:05:45,849
for my children.
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00:05:48,022 --> 00:05:50,917
And the Lord spoke unto
me and said, "My child,
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you shall lead a church where all
celebrities can worship freely.
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It shall be called ChristSong.
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And thy name shall be Pastor Jax Dag!"
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00:06:17,189 --> 00:06:19,294
Okay.
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00:06:20,847 --> 00:06:22,436
How's everybody feeling today?
137
00:06:23,985 --> 00:06:26,540
Yes, that's what I'm talking about.
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00:06:26,763 --> 00:06:30,021
I feel so blessed to be
here today as your pastor.
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00:06:30,476 --> 00:06:33,216
You know, I didn't always think
that I was gonna be a pastor.
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00:06:33,882 --> 00:06:37,633
I thought I was gonna have
my own prank show on MTV,
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00:06:37,686 --> 00:06:40,372
but God had different plans for me.
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- Ew, this is insane.
- I know.
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00:06:42,700 --> 00:06:44,684
I'm getting, like, one email per second.
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Now I can remember the first time
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I ever felt the power of the Lord.
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00:06:49,308 --> 00:06:50,693
I was water skiing.
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00:06:51,576 --> 00:06:55,114
And I got up on the very first try.
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00:06:56,649 --> 00:06:58,315
I had never done it before,
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00:06:58,712 --> 00:07:01,505
and here I was, just crushing it.
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00:07:01,579 --> 00:07:04,425
- Wow.
- But today is not about me.
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00:07:05,985 --> 00:07:09,495
Today is about a new
congregant joining our church.
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00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:10,997
ChaseDreams!
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00:07:18,743 --> 00:07:22,651
Chase, my man... what made
you wanna get baptized today?
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00:07:22,794 --> 00:07:25,290
Uh, my manager said it'd
be good for my career?
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00:07:25,611 --> 00:07:26,850
That's beautiful.
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00:07:27,110 --> 00:07:29,357
But you know who your
real manager is, right?
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It's the big guy upstairs.
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And you don't give him 10%,
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00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:36,751
you give him 100%.
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You give us 10%.
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because starting today, we're family.
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I shall be your father,
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and you shall be my son.
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Now, let's do the damn thing!
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Father?
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00:07:57,877 --> 00:07:59,310
Son?
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00:08:01,235 --> 00:08:03,983
Do you, ChaseDreams Dubek,
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00:08:04,276 --> 00:08:05,974
as witnessed by all of ChristSong,
169
00:08:05,995 --> 00:08:08,561
including four out of the six
Avengers... what's up, guys...
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00:08:08,794 --> 00:08:10,690
- fucks with God?
- I do.
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00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:12,792
Then we offer you all: Our strength.
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00:08:12,930 --> 00:08:14,295
Our guidance.
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00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:16,030
And if anyone sues you,
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00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:19,335
the full power of our
in-house legal team.
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Amen.
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00:08:25,984 --> 00:08:28,586
- Thus concludes today's baptism.
- Yes.
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All baptized members are
now welcome to head upstairs
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00:08:31,342 --> 00:08:33,817
to join our exclusive VIP after party.
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00:08:33,849 --> 00:08:36,293
Everyone else can, I don't know,
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00:08:36,446 --> 00:08:38,313
- fuck off?
- What?
181
00:08:39,018 --> 00:08:41,989
No, no. Shit, shit, shit.
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00:08:42,010 --> 00:08:43,766
Unless there is anyone else
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00:08:43,782 --> 00:08:45,758
who is moved to join the church today?
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00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:49,552
I am.
185
00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:54,794
We're here to baptize another
new member of our flock.
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00:08:55,323 --> 00:08:57,746
Cary Dubek, adopted
brother of ChaseDreams.
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00:08:57,767 --> 00:08:59,205
Biological brother.
188
00:08:59,450 --> 00:09:01,095
- But different mom?
- No.
189
00:09:01,107 --> 00:09:02,549
- Different dad?
- Nope.
190
00:09:02,824 --> 00:09:04,744
The Lord works in mysterious ways.
191
00:09:04,844 --> 00:09:06,553
Do you, Cary Donald Dubek,
192
00:09:06,585 --> 00:09:09,960
as witnessed by all of
ChristSong, fucks with God?
193
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,689
I do.
194
00:09:12,710 --> 00:09:14,276
But could you not put
me all the way under?
195
00:09:14,307 --> 00:09:16,355
The shirt still has the tags...
196
00:09:21,501 --> 00:09:22,903
Eh...
197
00:09:30,369 --> 00:09:32,016
God, I wish I was them.
198
00:09:34,106 --> 00:09:35,491
Do you, Brooke
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00:09:36,015 --> 00:09:37,781
Wouldn't-Tell-Me-Her-Middle-Name-Dubek,
200
00:09:37,834 --> 00:09:40,531
as witnessed by all of ChristSong,
201
00:09:40,573 --> 00:09:42,048
fucks with God?
202
00:09:42,435 --> 00:09:45,128
I do. But I think I'm
starting to get a little sick.
203
00:09:45,151 --> 00:09:46,985
I don't know if that'll
contaminate the pool, or...
204
00:09:47,027 --> 00:09:48,809
Nah. Chlorine kills everything.
205
00:09:48,836 --> 00:09:50,122
I've been peeing in here all day.
206
00:09:50,222 --> 00:09:51,512
What?
207
00:09:54,527 --> 00:09:57,304
Now, let's head to the VIP section
208
00:09:57,341 --> 00:10:00,371
to celebrate all my new children.
209
00:10:01,651 --> 00:10:03,970
They're my children.
210
00:10:04,070 --> 00:10:07,194
Um... do you
211
00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:09,314
Streeter Peter Peters,
212
00:10:09,319 --> 00:10:12,492
as witnessed by all of
ChristSong, fucks with God?
213
00:10:12,519 --> 00:10:15,216
I... do.
214
00:10:23,155 --> 00:10:26,873
♪ I believe in what you are ♪
215
00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:28,846
♪ Back on your feet ♪
216
00:10:29,158 --> 00:10:30,819
Okay, so now that you're
part of the church,
217
00:10:30,830 --> 00:10:32,781
I wanna be there for
you through everything.
218
00:10:32,887 --> 00:10:35,019
I wanna hold your hand when
you get your first tattoo.
219
00:10:35,050 --> 00:10:36,494
I wanna help you pick your wife.
220
00:10:36,515 --> 00:10:38,037
And after you pick your wife,
221
00:10:38,137 --> 00:10:39,768
I want you and your
wife to live with me.
222
00:10:39,794 --> 00:10:41,449
Uh, speaking of tattoos,
223
00:10:41,502 --> 00:10:43,343
you know, Pastor Dag isn't the only one
224
00:10:43,417 --> 00:10:46,088
who knows his way around
the old ink parlor, so...
225
00:10:46,112 --> 00:10:47,945
Whoa, Streeter, you have a tattoo?
226
00:10:48,341 --> 00:10:50,349
Do I have a tattoo? Oh please.
227
00:10:50,449 --> 00:10:52,831
I got this on 9/11.
228
00:10:52,857 --> 00:10:55,766
Not for 9/11, I just happened
to be getting it that morning.
229
00:10:55,883 --> 00:10:58,232
Anyway, a lot better than
those dumb goose wings,
230
00:10:58,247 --> 00:10:59,369
am I right, Chase?
231
00:10:59,390 --> 00:11:00,860
They're angel wings, actually,
232
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:02,701
and they're for my late grandmother.
233
00:11:03,018 --> 00:11:04,414
They're so cool.
234
00:11:05,197 --> 00:11:06,667
Cooler than mine?
235
00:11:07,366 --> 00:11:08,672
Hi!
236
00:11:09,142 --> 00:11:10,934
Excuse me. Sorry.
237
00:11:11,902 --> 00:11:13,944
Hey, girlies!
238
00:11:13,973 --> 00:11:15,074
Hey!
239
00:11:15,097 --> 00:11:17,709
We are so glad that you got baptized.
240
00:11:17,710 --> 00:11:18,958
Yeah. Me too.
241
00:11:18,995 --> 00:11:22,745
So can I still come with you
guys to Mykonos on your jet?
242
00:11:23,163 --> 00:11:26,501
- I think you mean, our jet.
- Oh, my God.
243
00:11:26,569 --> 00:11:28,992
- Our jet.
- Hailey wants to try
244
00:11:29,013 --> 00:11:31,483
this new foie gras place when we land.
245
00:11:31,499 --> 00:11:34,424
- You in?
- Duh! I love foie gras.
246
00:11:34,461 --> 00:11:36,323
I have always pronounced it that way.
247
00:11:36,350 --> 00:11:38,243
And if you want, we can have someone
248
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:42,038
- take care of your roots on the jet.
- Are you serious? I would love that.
249
00:11:42,071 --> 00:11:44,236
I haven't had a second to
touch them up in months.
250
00:11:44,336 --> 00:11:45,900
We should do facials, too.
251
00:11:45,919 --> 00:11:47,473
- Oh yeah. Yeah.
- Wow.
252
00:11:47,493 --> 00:11:52,703
So, like, every problem I
have, you guys will just... fix?
253
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:54,113
Yeah.
254
00:11:54,213 --> 00:11:55,715
Is this the promised land?
255
00:12:02,534 --> 00:12:05,324
Mind if I join you?
256
00:12:05,397 --> 00:12:07,156
- I'm Cary.
- Dennis.
257
00:12:07,162 --> 00:12:08,794
Congrats on being baptized.
258
00:12:08,894 --> 00:12:12,193
What can I say? I... I love the Lord.
259
00:12:12,702 --> 00:12:15,200
Almost as much as I love to act.
260
00:12:15,201 --> 00:12:17,870
Oh, you're an actor? I'm a producer.
261
00:12:17,937 --> 00:12:19,572
I should put you in some of my stuff.
262
00:12:19,893 --> 00:12:22,988
Oh, uh, wow! Yeah, that...
263
00:12:23,331 --> 00:12:24,672
that would be great. What kind of...
264
00:12:24,682 --> 00:12:27,454
I'm actually casting a
"Riverdale" spin-off right now.
265
00:12:27,475 --> 00:12:30,417
Oh, that's cool. I hadn't
actually heard of...
266
00:12:30,432 --> 00:12:33,009
You'd be great for the
elderly teacher with dementia.
267
00:12:33,019 --> 00:12:35,470
It's only two scenes and then
you die, but it's a great death.
268
00:12:35,502 --> 00:12:36,544
Goldilocks kills you.
269
00:12:36,596 --> 00:12:38,886
- As in, the three bears?
- Yeah.
270
00:12:38,929 --> 00:12:40,869
They just kinda let us do whatever.
271
00:12:41,005 --> 00:12:42,986
Anyway, part's yours if you want it.
272
00:12:43,905 --> 00:12:47,489
Sorry, you're just giving me the part?
273
00:12:47,509 --> 00:12:50,054
- Wha... what's the catch?
- No catch.
274
00:12:50,101 --> 00:12:51,437
You're part of the church now.
275
00:12:51,504 --> 00:12:52,979
We help each other out.
276
00:12:54,740 --> 00:12:56,258
Curtis, you're not gonna believe this.
277
00:12:56,275 --> 00:12:58,978
I just got cast in a
"Riverdale" spin-off.
278
00:12:58,993 --> 00:13:01,363
Shut up! You did? How?
279
00:13:01,389 --> 00:13:04,198
It's a crazy story. I got
baptized into ChristSong
280
00:13:04,225 --> 00:13:06,319
because the producer
of the show goes here.
281
00:13:06,393 --> 00:13:10,693
And he offered me the role just
because I'm part of the church.
282
00:13:12,191 --> 00:13:13,841
Are you insane?
283
00:13:13,899 --> 00:13:17,663
That church is horrible.
It's, like, crazy anti-gay.
284
00:13:17,763 --> 00:13:19,532
What? No, no.
285
00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:21,115
The people here are cool.
286
00:13:21,161 --> 00:13:24,269
Cary, they don't let gay
people hold positions of power,
287
00:13:24,329 --> 00:13:25,883
shit like that. You should Google it.
288
00:13:25,909 --> 00:13:27,774
It's also weirdly anti-woman too.
289
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:31,110
You have to leave. You
cannot take that role.
290
00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:36,729
Cary, hey. Just got back from
only peeing in the bathroom.
291
00:13:36,782 --> 00:13:39,959
- What is happening here?
- Oh, these?
292
00:13:39,985 --> 00:13:42,029
I've always had these. You know,
293
00:13:42,049 --> 00:13:43,558
the goose wings are for my grandmother.
294
00:13:43,595 --> 00:13:47,165
- Are you trying to be Jax Dag?
- What?
295
00:13:47,202 --> 00:13:50,011
Who the frig even is Jax Dag?
296
00:13:50,127 --> 00:13:52,539
The man who just baptized you.
297
00:13:52,565 --> 00:13:55,369
Yeah. And when he did, I
could feel his arm shaking.
298
00:13:55,370 --> 00:13:57,548
It's weird to believe in God
299
00:13:57,569 --> 00:13:59,495
when God made you so weak.
300
00:13:59,563 --> 00:14:01,943
Okay. Streeter. I... I have to go.
301
00:14:06,195 --> 00:14:08,591
Could we also get a dentist on the jet?
302
00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:09,925
I've been working so much.
303
00:14:09,972 --> 00:14:12,093
I haven't been able to go in 15 years.
304
00:14:12,205 --> 00:14:14,854
- Brooke. Hey, sorry.
- Sorry.
305
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:16,886
Okay, get this. I got that part.
306
00:14:16,928 --> 00:14:18,605
The elderly teacher,
he just gave it to me.
307
00:14:18,668 --> 00:14:20,932
- What? Oh my God. Cary! Yes!
- I know.
308
00:14:20,996 --> 00:14:23,524
But then I talked to Curtis and he said,
309
00:14:23,561 --> 00:14:25,882
this church is anti-gay
so I can't take the role.
310
00:14:25,898 --> 00:14:28,278
- Oh.
- But I was thinking
311
00:14:28,304 --> 00:14:31,891
maybe I could still take
it, and stay in the church.
312
00:14:31,901 --> 00:14:34,397
Because this role could
lead to other roles.
313
00:14:34,419 --> 00:14:35,989
And then one day I
might be famous enough
314
00:14:36,011 --> 00:14:38,190
to take down the church
from the inside, you know?
315
00:14:38,205 --> 00:14:39,782
'Cause it takes power to enact change.
316
00:14:39,813 --> 00:14:42,664
So in a way it would be anti-gay of me
317
00:14:42,669 --> 00:14:44,016
not to take the role.
318
00:14:44,083 --> 00:14:46,885
Uh, Cary, I love you,
319
00:14:46,896 --> 00:14:49,894
but I don't think you
can take it, right?
320
00:14:49,926 --> 00:14:52,010
Like, morally?
321
00:14:52,189 --> 00:14:54,627
Anyway, I gotta get back to my girls.
322
00:14:54,691 --> 00:14:56,929
We're planning our Mykonos trip.
323
00:14:57,156 --> 00:14:59,632
Curtis also said the
church is anti-woman.
324
00:15:02,377 --> 00:15:04,667
So I do see what you
were saying earlier.
325
00:15:04,704 --> 00:15:06,655
- Mm.
- About needing power to enact change.
326
00:15:06,668 --> 00:15:08,964
- Right.
- This church is probably anti-woman
327
00:15:08,977 --> 00:15:10,405
- because it's run by men.
- Hmm.
328
00:15:10,431 --> 00:15:13,585
So I should stay in the
church and go to Mykonos.
329
00:15:13,637 --> 00:15:15,028
And rise in the ranks,
330
00:15:15,047 --> 00:15:16,757
and become its first female leader.
331
00:15:16,782 --> 00:15:21,453
So your plan is to be the
leader of an anti-woman church?
332
00:15:22,942 --> 00:15:24,990
- Ugh.
- Ugh.
333
00:15:27,042 --> 00:15:31,463
You know, Curtis can sometimes be wrong.
334
00:15:31,563 --> 00:15:34,724
- Yes. Yes. I have heard that about him. Uh
-huh.
335
00:15:34,757 --> 00:15:37,910
Plus, it would be anti-woman to
listen to a man's opinion on this.
336
00:15:37,950 --> 00:15:39,887
- Yes!
- So I should go find a woman
337
00:15:39,920 --> 00:15:43,583
- and ask her opinion.
- And I should go ask more gay men.
338
00:15:43,603 --> 00:15:45,554
- Just to be sure.
- Yep, absolutely.
339
00:15:45,573 --> 00:15:46,816
- That seems totally fair.
- Great. Cool.
340
00:15:46,895 --> 00:15:49,355
So where do I find gay men near me?
341
00:15:49,613 --> 00:15:51,418
Oh, my God. Grindr.
342
00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:53,798
No. Okay. I haven't even
used Grindr to have sex.
343
00:15:53,838 --> 00:15:56,721
I can't use it to ask people if
I can be in an anti-gay church.
344
00:15:56,767 --> 00:15:58,922
Cary, guys on Grindr
are up for anything.
345
00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:01,493
This is technically that.
346
00:16:01,593 --> 00:16:02,956
Okay, fine. Fine.
347
00:16:02,995 --> 00:16:05,164
I'm gonna go ask gay
guys and you go ask women.
348
00:16:05,501 --> 00:16:09,111
Or, you can go ask women
and I'll do the fun one.
349
00:16:09,144 --> 00:16:13,639
No, I'm ready. I'm gonna go on Grindr.
350
00:16:13,904 --> 00:16:19,206
And I'm going to go talk to women.
351
00:16:21,380 --> 00:16:23,206
Okay.
352
00:16:28,887 --> 00:16:32,581
- Hey.
- Oh, shit. You've been in my phone this whole time?
353
00:16:33,401 --> 00:16:37,896
Oh, you actually don't
have to... Jesus Christ.
354
00:16:38,077 --> 00:16:40,140
I was actually just wondering... whoo,
355
00:16:40,165 --> 00:16:43,092
look at that fat dick.
356
00:16:43,124 --> 00:16:46,789
Nope, sorry. I just have
to ask you a question.
357
00:16:46,826 --> 00:16:48,316
It's gonna be a little weird.
358
00:16:48,317 --> 00:16:52,336
But I was offered a role on a TV show...
359
00:16:52,384 --> 00:16:54,447
I'll run lines with you
after. That's not weird.
360
00:16:54,457 --> 00:16:57,816
- Most guys ask to do that.
- Oh, no. I was offered a role,
361
00:16:57,848 --> 00:17:02,181
but I have to be in an
anti-gay church to take it.
362
00:17:02,191 --> 00:17:04,671
Do you think I could do
that? Probably, right?
363
00:17:04,719 --> 00:17:08,447
Also you were really
gonna have sex with me?
364
00:17:08,458 --> 00:17:12,171
Like, with that dick and those wet abs?
365
00:17:12,208 --> 00:17:15,456
You saw me and you were like,
"Yeah, I'd have sex with him."
366
00:17:15,477 --> 00:17:17,645
- Yeah. You're hot.
- Oh, my God.
367
00:17:17,677 --> 00:17:20,989
- I think I'm going to pass out.
- But for me I guess I wouldn't take the role.
368
00:17:21,015 --> 00:17:22,913
That just feels morally wrong.
369
00:17:23,842 --> 00:17:25,110
Can I take off your shirt?
370
00:17:25,170 --> 00:17:27,598
I would love that, but
I do have to go find
371
00:17:27,662 --> 00:17:30,082
someone else to give
me the opposite answer.
372
00:17:30,539 --> 00:17:33,406
- Okay. You do you.
- All right.
373
00:17:33,952 --> 00:17:35,054
Mm.
374
00:17:44,948 --> 00:17:48,226
Okay. Thank you. I should...
375
00:17:48,406 --> 00:17:50,062
I should get going.
376
00:17:58,710 --> 00:18:00,415
Hello.
377
00:18:00,779 --> 00:18:02,472
Hi.
378
00:18:11,390 --> 00:18:14,254
Is your body nice and relaxed?
379
00:18:14,724 --> 00:18:18,797
And more importantly, is
your mind nice and open?
380
00:18:18,897 --> 00:18:20,978
- Yes.
- Now,
381
00:18:21,017 --> 00:18:25,337
imagine you're lying on a
white sand beach in Mykonos.
382
00:18:25,437 --> 00:18:29,738
- Mmm.
- You just got your roots done
383
00:18:29,778 --> 00:18:32,845
on the flight over.
Doesn't that sound nice?
384
00:18:33,073 --> 00:18:37,926
- Yes.
- Now, imagine to do all of that,
385
00:18:38,137 --> 00:18:42,154
all you need to do is
join an anti-woman church.
386
00:18:42,254 --> 00:18:45,376
What? No. Why would I do that?
387
00:18:45,418 --> 00:18:46,508
Damn it!
388
00:18:49,661 --> 00:18:50,662
Hello?
389
00:18:50,762 --> 00:18:53,002
So do you think I can do it?
390
00:18:53,008 --> 00:18:55,013
- Morally, I say who gives a fuck?
- Yes!
391
00:18:55,108 --> 00:18:56,602
Who gives a fuck?
392
00:18:56,616 --> 00:18:58,446
- Thank you.
- But you might eat shit online.
393
00:18:58,456 --> 00:18:59,520
What's that, now?
394
00:18:59,551 --> 00:19:01,105
I guess it depends how famous you are.
395
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:02,474
- Tony?
- Yeah?
396
00:19:02,497 --> 00:19:05,459
- Do you know who this guy is?
- Um, no.
397
00:19:05,485 --> 00:19:07,025
This is no one to me. Sorry.
398
00:19:07,057 --> 00:19:08,495
No, I am no one.
399
00:19:08,516 --> 00:19:10,696
It's like, "Cary Dubek?
Who cares what he does?"
400
00:19:10,722 --> 00:19:13,229
Cary Dubek? Oh, my God.
401
00:19:13,271 --> 00:19:15,582
- You're, like, famous.
- No. No, I am not.
402
00:19:15,621 --> 00:19:17,682
I am no one. He just said...
403
00:19:17,693 --> 00:19:19,639
Sorry, is this an actor I should know?
404
00:19:19,644 --> 00:19:22,405
Uh, not really an actor.
More like just a host?
405
00:19:22,426 --> 00:19:24,452
Exactly. More like just a host.
406
00:19:24,474 --> 00:19:26,367
So you shouldn't know who I am.
407
00:19:26,404 --> 00:19:28,704
- It's actually kind of weird he does.
- Okay. Hold on.
408
00:19:28,810 --> 00:19:32,386
So Tony doesn't know you and...
409
00:19:32,444 --> 00:19:34,380
- Bruce.
- Bruce does.
410
00:19:34,428 --> 00:19:37,131
I think we need a tie-breaker. Curtis?
411
00:19:37,194 --> 00:19:40,109
Yes? Cary, what are you doing here?
412
00:19:40,135 --> 00:19:41,907
Shit. Nothing. I was just...
413
00:19:41,955 --> 00:19:43,473
Wait, are you trying to get permission
414
00:19:43,505 --> 00:19:46,879
- from other gays to take that part?
- No, no, nope!
415
00:19:50,707 --> 00:19:52,357
Okay, nope.
416
00:19:54,535 --> 00:19:56,061
Absolutely not.
417
00:19:58,931 --> 00:20:00,326
Bingo!
418
00:20:01,595 --> 00:20:04,299
Hey, my Texas lady!
419
00:20:04,326 --> 00:20:05,582
I was just having a little problem,
420
00:20:05,604 --> 00:20:07,394
- and I was wondering if you could help.
- Oh, sure.
421
00:20:07,420 --> 00:20:10,932
Well, I just met these girls and
they invited me on their private jet.
422
00:20:10,974 --> 00:20:12,377
I see the problem.
423
00:20:12,402 --> 00:20:14,195
Jets are really bad for the environment.
424
00:20:14,246 --> 00:20:16,200
Oh, yeah, no. That's
not the problem yet.
425
00:20:16,210 --> 00:20:19,911
Anyway, we're gonna be winin'
and dinin' on foie gras...
426
00:20:19,931 --> 00:20:21,405
Oh, now I see the problem.
427
00:20:21,432 --> 00:20:23,970
Foie gras is a by-product
of animal abuse.
428
00:20:23,997 --> 00:20:26,007
- Oh, that's not the problem either.
- Oh, it is a problem.
429
00:20:26,059 --> 00:20:28,142
They force feed ducks to
make their livers fatter.
430
00:20:28,169 --> 00:20:30,536
Okay. What is going on here?
Are you even from Texas?
431
00:20:30,562 --> 00:20:32,264
Yeah. I'm from Austin.
432
00:20:32,364 --> 00:20:33,364
Fuck!
433
00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:35,084
I always forget about Austin.
434
00:20:41,503 --> 00:20:43,302
Well, I was right.
435
00:20:43,375 --> 00:20:46,243
- I hate women.
- Oh, I struck out too.
436
00:20:46,257 --> 00:20:48,875
God, I needed this so bad.
437
00:20:48,914 --> 00:20:51,617
I know. I know. God damnit!
438
00:20:51,784 --> 00:20:53,887
And, like, I'm grateful
for my job or whatever,
439
00:20:53,900 --> 00:20:55,434
but all I do is work.
440
00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:57,577
I actually look forward to shitting now,
441
00:20:57,603 --> 00:21:01,029
because it's the only time I can't
physically get up and do something.
442
00:21:01,072 --> 00:21:03,161
And these girls were just fucking nice.
443
00:21:03,426 --> 00:21:06,449
And I don't know, it just seems
like things are easier for them.
444
00:21:06,475 --> 00:21:07,937
Like, they get to go places,
445
00:21:07,976 --> 00:21:12,023
and look like human
beings and have friends.
446
00:21:12,043 --> 00:21:14,973
Maybe we can stay. Like, who will care?
447
00:21:15,073 --> 00:21:18,258
- We're small fish. I'm on Cameo.
- Wait, you are?
448
00:21:18,271 --> 00:21:20,320
Yeah. I charge $18.
449
00:21:20,380 --> 00:21:22,932
- Oh, my God! We have to stay!
- Yeah.
450
00:21:22,971 --> 00:21:24,552
And if people attack the church,
451
00:21:24,572 --> 00:21:27,904
they're gonna come for the
really famous people, not us.
452
00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:30,325
- Oh, my God.
- What?
453
00:21:30,338 --> 00:21:32,182
I'm so fucking dumb.
454
00:21:32,424 --> 00:21:33,592
Chase.
455
00:21:33,659 --> 00:21:35,297
They're gonna come for Chase.
456
00:21:35,317 --> 00:21:38,609
I'm his manager, Cary. I have
to pull him. We have to go.
457
00:21:38,652 --> 00:21:40,223
Did you guys know the
Body of Christ here
458
00:21:40,239 --> 00:21:41,503
is a margherita flatbread?
459
00:21:41,577 --> 00:21:44,770
Um, hey bud, I have some bad news.
460
00:21:44,836 --> 00:21:47,170
This church's anti-gay and anti-woman,
461
00:21:47,183 --> 00:21:49,483
so I don't think we can stay.
462
00:21:50,006 --> 00:21:52,135
Oh. That sucks.
463
00:21:56,381 --> 00:21:57,683
It's okay.
464
00:21:57,783 --> 00:21:59,936
I think he just needs
time to process it.
465
00:22:00,108 --> 00:22:03,076
I mean, it took us two
hours, and he's a child.
466
00:22:03,089 --> 00:22:06,719
Hey guys, I just heard
some news that really sucks.
467
00:22:06,745 --> 00:22:09,972
Apparently this church is
anti-gay and anti-woman,
468
00:22:10,038 --> 00:22:12,186
so I have to leave without
even giving it a second thought.
469
00:22:12,220 --> 00:22:14,131
Because when you hear
information like this,
470
00:22:14,151 --> 00:22:16,201
that's what you do. You act.
471
00:22:16,301 --> 00:22:18,891
Yes. That's right.
472
00:22:19,182 --> 00:22:20,610
You act immediately.
473
00:22:20,650 --> 00:22:22,673
I also then Googled
the church right away
474
00:22:22,693 --> 00:22:24,260
just so I'd be properly informed.
475
00:22:24,266 --> 00:22:27,089
Yep. 'Cause that's
what you do. You Google.
476
00:22:27,157 --> 00:22:28,955
- You Google right
away. - Mm-hmm.
477
00:22:28,980 --> 00:22:31,368
And I found a lot of bad stuff.
478
00:22:31,381 --> 00:22:33,279
Apparently you guys
don't allow gay people
479
00:22:33,292 --> 00:22:36,627
- to hold positions of power.
- Wow. Wow.
480
00:22:36,647 --> 00:22:38,075
You guys are okay with this?
481
00:22:38,095 --> 00:22:39,497
And you have a history of sexism
482
00:22:39,516 --> 00:22:40,898
that goes all the way to the top.
483
00:22:40,924 --> 00:22:43,748
This is so bad, you guys.
484
00:22:43,768 --> 00:22:45,447
It also says some of your leaders
485
00:22:45,473 --> 00:22:47,157
used to support conversion therapy?
486
00:22:47,216 --> 00:22:49,087
Wait, I actually didn't know that one.
487
00:22:49,140 --> 00:22:51,456
Is this church worse
than our old church?
488
00:22:51,603 --> 00:22:53,783
Why do you guys all look so cool?
489
00:22:53,857 --> 00:22:55,772
You're this anti-gay,
you should be like,
490
00:22:55,799 --> 00:22:56,962
living in pig shit.
491
00:22:57,008 --> 00:22:59,290
Not doing molly at the Soho House.
492
00:22:59,322 --> 00:23:00,682
And Pastor Jax,
493
00:23:00,745 --> 00:23:03,067
apparently your dad has some
weird allegations against him
494
00:23:03,083 --> 00:23:05,099
that you helped cover
up using church money?
495
00:23:05,194 --> 00:23:06,490
It says something to
do with little kids.
496
00:23:06,517 --> 00:23:09,812
- Uh...
- Yes! Little kids?
497
00:23:09,855 --> 00:23:12,233
- That's great.
- Oh, my God.
498
00:23:12,234 --> 00:23:13,778
- What is this now?
- Wow.
499
00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:19,020
You look like a fool,
Jax Dag. An absolute fool.
500
00:23:19,099 --> 00:23:23,039
And this whole church
should take a good long look
501
00:23:23,050 --> 00:23:24,806
in the mirror because if you did,
502
00:23:25,198 --> 00:23:27,139
I don't think you'd like what you saw.
503
00:23:27,505 --> 00:23:29,223
Now, if you'll excuse me.
504
00:23:29,255 --> 00:23:33,952
I'm taking my children,
and we are going home.
505
00:23:37,945 --> 00:23:39,532
Can I just get the name of the person
506
00:23:39,553 --> 00:23:41,272
who does your roots on the jet?
507
00:23:41,351 --> 00:23:42,611
- No.
- Okay.
508
00:23:42,621 --> 00:23:44,044
Well, you shouldn't even use jets.
509
00:23:44,076 --> 00:23:45,964
Even people from Texas know that.
510
00:23:52,230 --> 00:23:53,799
I'm sorry about that, bud.
511
00:23:53,940 --> 00:23:56,199
I really wanted you
to get a fashion line.
512
00:23:56,484 --> 00:23:57,759
Well, that's okay. I don't care.
513
00:23:57,812 --> 00:24:00,324
Oh, well, thanks. It's nice.
514
00:24:00,816 --> 00:24:03,021
I'm sorry you didn't get
your thing either, Cary.
515
00:24:03,534 --> 00:24:07,581
It's fine. I think I can actually go get
516
00:24:08,083 --> 00:24:09,527
another thing.
517
00:24:13,185 --> 00:24:14,303
Bye.
518
00:24:16,631 --> 00:24:18,523
I need a fucking thing.
519
00:24:20,936 --> 00:24:22,285
Holy shit.
520
00:24:23,084 --> 00:24:25,137
That is what sex can be?
521
00:24:25,430 --> 00:24:27,010
I'm glad you liked it.
522
00:24:27,365 --> 00:24:31,082
And I seemed normal and good, too?
523
00:24:32,367 --> 00:24:35,927
Well, I don't usually
give feedback, but yes.
524
00:24:37,142 --> 00:24:41,026
So what do you do?
525
00:24:41,058 --> 00:24:43,301
I'm a lawyer in D.C.
I'm just here for work.
526
00:24:43,348 --> 00:24:45,353
Oh. Cool.
527
00:24:45,819 --> 00:24:48,934
So we won't see each other again?
528
00:24:49,992 --> 00:24:52,276
Oh, sorry. I just thought
this was a fun thing.
529
00:24:52,314 --> 00:24:54,604
Yeah. Yeah, no. This is...
this is great. I've...
530
00:24:54,689 --> 00:24:56,202
I've been meaning to do one of these.
531
00:24:56,234 --> 00:24:58,968
I just was worried I
wouldn't actually do it.
532
00:24:58,978 --> 00:25:01,258
- So this is perfect.
- All right.
533
00:25:01,274 --> 00:25:02,601
But hey, I have a question.
534
00:25:02,665 --> 00:25:05,447
Why does your dick look
so different on Grindr?
535
00:25:06,478 --> 00:25:09,531
Uh, yes. So... sorry. I, um...
536
00:25:09,578 --> 00:25:11,922
It's just so much bigger in person.
537
00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:14,789
Uh, what?
538
00:25:14,826 --> 00:25:18,067
Yeah. It's, like, bigger and better.
539
00:25:19,596 --> 00:25:20,919
- It is?
- Yeah.
540
00:25:21,019 --> 00:25:24,214
But FYI, you can't have a
dick as your profile pic.
541
00:25:24,241 --> 00:25:26,240
This is amazing. I
have to call my sister.
542
00:25:26,250 --> 00:25:27,874
- What? Ew! Why?
- Never mind.
543
00:25:27,890 --> 00:25:29,276
Uh, can we actually have sex again?
544
00:25:29,287 --> 00:25:32,902
- Because I just got very hard, very fast.
- Yeah, sure.
545
00:25:33,312 --> 00:25:36,122
♪ Jesus fucking slays ♪
546
00:25:36,188 --> 00:25:39,156
♪ He fucking slays all goddamn day ♪
547
00:25:39,170 --> 00:25:40,789
♪ And you know it ♪
548
00:25:40,809 --> 00:25:43,460
♪ Jesus fucking slays ♪
549
00:25:43,508 --> 00:25:46,370
♪ So we should party in his name ♪
550
00:25:46,409 --> 00:25:48,155
♪ Do real dope shit ♪
551
00:25:48,179 --> 00:25:51,309
♪ Real dope shit ♪
♪ Real dope shit ♪
552
00:25:51,521 --> 00:25:54,337
♪ Jesus fucking slays ♪
553
00:25:54,436 --> 00:25:56,433
♪ Better than any crush ♪
554
00:25:56,472 --> 00:25:58,318
♪ Nothing 'bout him that's fake ♪
555
00:25:58,357 --> 00:26:01,683
♪ And I know I'm gonna
need him for life ♪
556
00:26:01,735 --> 00:26:03,553
♪ I'll never ask too much ♪
557
00:26:03,586 --> 00:26:05,622
♪ I'll post him on my main ♪
558
00:26:05,721 --> 00:26:08,994
♪ I can't wait until
he shows me my wife ♪
559
00:26:09,616 --> 00:26:11,692
♪ He's never ending ♪
560
00:26:11,738 --> 00:26:13,523
♪ He's always trending ♪
561
00:26:13,538 --> 00:26:16,868
♪ And he deserves the best of me ♪
562
00:26:16,908 --> 00:26:19,810
♪ Jesus fucking slays ♪
563
00:26:19,836 --> 00:26:22,666
♪ He fucking slays all goddamn day ♪
564
00:26:22,699 --> 00:26:24,207
♪ And you know it ♪
565
00:26:24,249 --> 00:26:27,090
♪ Jesus fucking slays ♪
566
00:26:27,130 --> 00:26:30,033
♪ So we should party in his name ♪
567
00:26:30,059 --> 00:26:31,923
♪ Do real dope shit ♪
568
00:26:31,990 --> 00:26:35,216
♪ Real dope shit ♪
♪ Real dope shit ♪
569
00:26:35,256 --> 00:26:38,129
♪ Jesus fucking slays ♪
570
00:26:41,066 --> 00:26:42,568
♪ Real dope shit ♪
571
00:26:42,575 --> 00:26:44,723
♪ Jesus fucking slays ♪
572
00:26:44,736 --> 00:26:46,392
♪ Real dope shit ♪
573
00:26:46,425 --> 00:26:48,640
- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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