Original subtitles

- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -

♪ And forgive us our trespasses ♪

♪ As we forgive those who trespass against us ♪

♪ And lead us not into temptation ♪

♪ But deliver us from evil ♪

- I'd like to talk today about - _

a very demonic show called "Will and Grace."

While I do think the woman who plays Karen is funny,

Grace lives with a homosexual man.

But Leviticus says, "If a man lies with a male,

they shall surely be put to death.

Their blood is upon them."

You are embarrassing this family and are in big trouble.

Wake up!

Maybe if church wasn't so goddamn boring.

- But what Leviticus... - Safe another day.

God, there's so many hot people here. It's insane.

I know. Oh, I love the Soho house.

It's too bad I look like shit for a living now

and do nothing but work.

Oh, you should go on Grindr here.

You could absolutely fuck tonight.

I dunno. I'm still kinda nervous.

Oh, my God. Relax.

Everyone's on Grindr. I am on Grindr.

- Wait, you are? - Yeah.

Just to get TV recommendations.

It's how I first heard about "Fleabag."

I mean, I did create a profile.

I just haven't pulled the trigger yet.

You did? Lemme see.

God, Cary!

This is the least sexy picture I have ever seen.

It's supposed to be of, like, your butt or dick.

Okay. I do not have pics like that on my phone.

Ugh, well, I do. How about this dick?

No. That's Noah Centineo's.

Every person alive is gonna recognize that.

Okay, fine. How about Lance's?

Can't believe I still have this stupid thing in here,

but it was gorgeous, so it'll work

- till I guess they see yours? - Okay. Fine. I'll use it.

Now, can you please stop talking about dicks at church?

♪ Jesus fucking slays ♪

♪ He fucking slays all goddamn day ♪

♪ And you know it ♪

♪ Jesus fucking slays ♪

♪ So we should party in his name ♪

- ♪ Do real dope shit ♪ - Oh, my God.

I wish our church growing up was as cool as this.

Sup, fam?

You guys as excited as I am?

Of course not, I'm the one whose son is getting baptized.

- He's not your son. - Ugh, great, this guy's back.

Yeah, no. He's not officially my son,

but perhaps one day you will all be my children.

Okay. All right. Where is our mom?

Oh, she really wanted to be here for this blessed event,

but unfortunately she was called

to do the Lord's work elsewhere.

Madame Tussauds will be closing in one hour.

Wow! That looks just like her.

That's because it is me!

Look, we got a camera!

Wait, so why is Chase getting baptized?

- I didn't even know he was religious. - Cary, this is a celebrity church.

You don't come here to worship.

You come here to be famous

or to collaborate with other people who are famous.

Yeah. And we wanna keep moving Chase

more into the fashion world.

And this is where Kylie and Kendall met to start their fashion line.

- Aren't they sisters? - Both: Yes.

Sorry. It's my agent.

You never have to apologize to me, my son.

- Hello? - Car!

- What do you say to being on Grindr? - What?

Why does everyone want me on Grindr so bad?

I got you a gig hosting a quiz show

that plays exclusively on the app.

So in between guys deciding who they gonna fuck,

they can guess where Cher was born

- to win a year's supply of PrEP. - No! I...

I want acting roles.

There are so many TV shows now.

It's statistically impossible for me not to be on one.

I just saw my upstairs neighbor who's a shut-in on "Ozark."

So you know what? I'm not doing this again with another agent.

- You're fired. - No. No, no!

Okay, Car, what was that?

Oh, my God. How did I just get 50 emails in six minutes?

Hi, there. I'm Lou.

This is Jagger and Seinfeld.

- Hey. - Holy shit.

I mean, hi.

Sorry. You guys are all just so hot.

Everyone from my church growing up

looked like a mean sack of flour.

- You're joining today, right? - Oh, no. My client is.

I represent ChaseDreams.

Aww, that's too bad.

We were gonna invite you on our Church trip this weekend.

Oh, thanks. But I don't really, like, build houses.

Houses? No. We're going to Mykonos.

We're on Hailey Bieber's team, and she has a photoshoot there.

So we were all gonna go and take the church jet.

Oh, well. Bye!

Okay. Bye.

Seinfeld?

All right, The baptism will start in just a few minutes,

so please take your seats. And remember, the gospel of the Lord.

Drink water, you guys.

- Hey. - Hey.

- How was your call? - Bad. I fired him.

- What? - He never listened to me.

I've been submitting myself for roles on Actors Access.

- Oh, Debra. - 'Cause there are roles out there, like,

this morning I submitted for a part on this new

"Riverdale" spin-off.

It's to play an elderly teacher with dementia.

- And I am the exact right age for that. - Yeah.

But I'm sure no one will even see my tape.

But you know the producer of that show

- is a member of the church. - What?

Yeah. You should talk to him after the baptism.

I mean, Chase isn't the only one

who can make connections here.

Whoa, I absolutely will. Thank you.

Anything...

for my children.

And the Lord spoke unto me and said, "My child,

you shall lead a church where all celebrities can worship freely.

It shall be called ChristSong.

And thy name shall be Pastor Jax Dag!"

Okay.

How's everybody feeling today?

Yes, that's what I'm talking about.

I feel so blessed to be here today as your pastor.

You know, I didn't always think that I was gonna be a pastor.

I thought I was gonna have my own prank show on MTV,

but God had different plans for me.

- Ew, this is insane. - I know.

I'm getting, like, one email per second.

Now I can remember the first time

I ever felt the power of the Lord.

I was water skiing.

And I got up on the very first try.

I had never done it before,

and here I was, just crushing it.

- Wow. - But today is not about me.

Today is about a new congregant joining our church.

ChaseDreams!

Chase, my man... what made you wanna get baptized today?

Uh, my manager said it'd be good for my career?

That's beautiful.

But you know who your real manager is, right?

It's the big guy upstairs.

And you don't give him 10%,

you give him 100%.

You give us 10%.

because starting today, we're family.

I shall be your father,

and you shall be my son.

Now, let's do the damn thing!

Father?

Son?

Do you, ChaseDreams Dubek,

as witnessed by all of ChristSong,

including four out of the six Avengers... what's up, guys...

- fucks with God? - I do.

Then we offer you all: Our strength.

Our guidance.

And if anyone sues you,

the full power of our in-house legal team.

Amen.

- Thus concludes today's baptism. - Yes.

All baptized members are now welcome to head upstairs

to join our exclusive VIP after party.

Everyone else can, I don't know,

- fuck off? - What?

No, no. Shit, shit, shit.

Unless there is anyone else

who is moved to join the church today?

I am.

We're here to baptize another new member of our flock.

Cary Dubek, adopted brother of ChaseDreams.

Biological brother.

- But different mom? - No.

- Different dad? - Nope.

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

Do you, Cary Donald Dubek,

as witnessed by all of ChristSong, fucks with God?

I do.

But could you not put me all the way under?

The shirt still has the tags...

Eh...

God, I wish I was them.

Do you, Brooke

Wouldn't-Tell-Me-Her-Middle-Name-Dubek,

as witnessed by all of ChristSong,

fucks with God?

I do. But I think I'm starting to get a little sick.

I don't know if that'll contaminate the pool, or...

Nah. Chlorine kills everything.

I've been peeing in here all day.

What?

Now, let's head to the VIP section

to celebrate all my new children.

They're my children.

Um... do you

Streeter Peter Peters,

as witnessed by all of ChristSong, fucks with God?

I... do.

♪ I believe in what you are ♪

♪ Back on your feet ♪

Okay, so now that you're part of the church,

I wanna be there for you through everything.

I wanna hold your hand when you get your first tattoo.

I wanna help you pick your wife.

And after you pick your wife,

I want you and your wife to live with me.

Uh, speaking of tattoos,

you know, Pastor Dag isn't the only one

who knows his way around the old ink parlor, so...

Whoa, Streeter, you have a tattoo?

Do I have a tattoo? Oh please.

I got this on 9/11.

Not for 9/11, I just happened to be getting it that morning.

Anyway, a lot better than those dumb goose wings,

am I right, Chase?

They're angel wings, actually,

and they're for my late grandmother.

They're so cool.

Cooler than mine?

Hi!

Excuse me. Sorry.

Hey, girlies!

Hey!

We are so glad that you got baptized.

Yeah. Me too.

So can I still come with you guys to Mykonos on your jet?

- I think you mean, our jet. - Oh, my God.

- Our jet. - Hailey wants to try

this new foie gras place when we land.

- You in? - Duh! I love foie gras.

I have always pronounced it that way.

And if you want, we can have someone

- take care of your roots on the jet. - Are you serious? I would love that.

I haven't had a second to touch them up in months.

We should do facials, too.

- Oh yeah. Yeah. - Wow.

So, like, every problem I have, you guys will just... fix?

Yeah.

Is this the promised land?

Mind if I join you?

- I'm Cary. - Dennis.

Congrats on being baptized.

What can I say? I... I love the Lord.

Almost as much as I love to act.

Oh, you're an actor? I'm a producer.

I should put you in some of my stuff.

Oh, uh, wow! Yeah, that...

that would be great. What kind of...

I'm actually casting a "Riverdale" spin-off right now.

Oh, that's cool. I hadn't actually heard of...

You'd be great for the elderly teacher with dementia.

It's only two scenes and then you die, but it's a great death.

Goldilocks kills you.

- As in, the three bears? - Yeah.

They just kinda let us do whatever.

Anyway, part's yours if you want it.

Sorry, you're just giving me the part?

- Wha... what's the catch? - No catch.

You're part of the church now.

We help each other out.

Curtis, you're not gonna believe this.

I just got cast in a "Riverdale" spin-off.

Shut up! You did? How?

It's a crazy story. I got baptized into ChristSong

because the producer of the show goes here.

And he offered me the role just because I'm part of the church.

Are you insane?

That church is horrible. It's, like, crazy anti-gay.

What? No, no.

The people here are cool.

Cary, they don't let gay people hold positions of power,

shit like that. You should Google it.

It's also weirdly anti-woman too.

You have to leave. You cannot take that role.

Cary, hey. Just got back from only peeing in the bathroom.

- What is happening here? - Oh, these?

I've always had these. You know,

the goose wings are for my grandmother.

- Are you trying to be Jax Dag? - What?

Who the frig even is Jax Dag?

The man who just baptized you.

Yeah. And when he did, I could feel his arm shaking.

It's weird to believe in God

when God made you so weak.

Okay. Streeter. I... I have to go.

Could we also get a dentist on the jet?

I've been working so much.

I haven't been able to go in 15 years.

- Brooke. Hey, sorry. - Sorry.

Okay, get this. I got that part.

The elderly teacher, he just gave it to me.

- What? Oh my God. Cary! Yes! - I know.

But then I talked to Curtis and he said,

this church is anti-gay so I can't take the role.

- Oh. - But I was thinking

maybe I could still take it, and stay in the church.

Because this role could lead to other roles.

And then one day I might be famous enough

to take down the church from the inside, you know?

'Cause it takes power to enact change.

So in a way it would be anti-gay of me

not to take the role.

Uh, Cary, I love you,

but I don't think you can take it, right?

Like, morally?

Anyway, I gotta get back to my girls.

We're planning our Mykonos trip.

Curtis also said the church is anti-woman.

So I do see what you were saying earlier.

- Mm. - About needing power to enact change.

- Right. - This church is probably anti-woman

- because it's run by men. - Hmm.

So I should stay in the church and go to Mykonos.

And rise in the ranks,

and become its first female leader.

So your plan is to be the leader of an anti-woman church?

- Ugh. - Ugh.

You know, Curtis can sometimes be wrong.

- Yes. Yes. I have heard that about him. Uh -huh.

Plus, it would be anti-woman to listen to a man's opinion on this.

- Yes! - So I should go find a woman

- and ask her opinion. - And I should go ask more gay men.

- Just to be sure. - Yep, absolutely.

- That seems totally fair. - Great. Cool.

So where do I find gay men near me?

Oh, my God. Grindr.

No. Okay. I haven't even used Grindr to have sex.

I can't use it to ask people if I can be in an anti-gay church.

Cary, guys on Grindr are up for anything.

This is technically that.

Okay, fine. Fine.

I'm gonna go ask gay guys and you go ask women.

Or, you can go ask women and I'll do the fun one.

No, I'm ready. I'm gonna go on Grindr.

And I'm going to go talk to women.

Okay.

- Hey. - Oh, shit. You've been in my phone this whole time?

Oh, you actually don't have to... Jesus Christ.

I was actually just wondering... whoo,

look at that fat dick.

Nope, sorry. I just have to ask you a question.

It's gonna be a little weird.

But I was offered a role on a TV show...

I'll run lines with you after. That's not weird.

- Most guys ask to do that. - Oh, no. I was offered a role,

but I have to be in an anti-gay church to take it.

Do you think I could do that? Probably, right?

Also you were really gonna have sex with me?

Like, with that dick and those wet abs?

You saw me and you were like, "Yeah, I'd have sex with him."

- Yeah. You're hot. - Oh, my God.

- I think I'm going to pass out. - But for me I guess I wouldn't take the role.

That just feels morally wrong.

Can I take off your shirt?

I would love that, but I do have to go find

someone else to give me the opposite answer.

- Okay. You do you. - All right.

Mm.

Okay. Thank you. I should...

I should get going.

Hello.

Hi.

Is your body nice and relaxed?

And more importantly, is your mind nice and open?

- Yes. - Now,

imagine you're lying on a white sand beach in Mykonos.

- Mmm. - You just got your roots done

on the flight over. Doesn't that sound nice?

- Yes. - Now, imagine to do all of that,

all you need to do is join an anti-woman church.

What? No. Why would I do that?

Damn it!

Hello?

So do you think I can do it?

- Morally, I say who gives a fuck? - Yes!

Who gives a fuck?

- Thank you. - But you might eat shit online.

What's that, now?

I guess it depends how famous you are.

- Tony? - Yeah?

- Do you know who this guy is? - Um, no.

This is no one to me. Sorry.

No, I am no one.

It's like, "Cary Dubek? Who cares what he does?"

Cary Dubek? Oh, my God.

- You're, like, famous. - No. No, I am not.

I am no one. He just said...

Sorry, is this an actor I should know?

Uh, not really an actor. More like just a host?

Exactly. More like just a host.

So you shouldn't know who I am.

- It's actually kind of weird he does. - Okay. Hold on.

So Tony doesn't know you and...

- Bruce. - Bruce does.

I think we need a tie-breaker. Curtis?

Yes? Cary, what are you doing here?

Shit. Nothing. I was just...

Wait, are you trying to get permission

- from other gays to take that part? - No, no, nope!

Okay, nope.

Absolutely not.

Bingo!

Hey, my Texas lady!

I was just having a little problem,

- and I was wondering if you could help. - Oh, sure.

Well, I just met these girls and they invited me on their private jet.

I see the problem.

Jets are really bad for the environment.

Oh, yeah, no. That's not the problem yet.

Anyway, we're gonna be winin' and dinin' on foie gras...

Oh, now I see the problem.

Foie gras is a by-product of animal abuse.

- Oh, that's not the problem either. - Oh, it is a problem.

They force feed ducks to make their livers fatter.

Okay. What is going on here? Are you even from Texas?

Yeah. I'm from Austin.

Fuck!

I always forget about Austin.

Well, I was right.

- I hate women. - Oh, I struck out too.

God, I needed this so bad.

I know. I know. God damnit!

And, like, I'm grateful for my job or whatever,

but all I do is work.

I actually look forward to shitting now,

because it's the only time I can't physically get up and do something.

And these girls were just fucking nice.

And I don't know, it just seems like things are easier for them.

Like, they get to go places,

and look like human beings and have friends.

Maybe we can stay. Like, who will care?

- We're small fish. I'm on Cameo. - Wait, you are?

Yeah. I charge $18.

- Oh, my God! We have to stay! - Yeah.

And if people attack the church,

they're gonna come for the really famous people, not us.

- Oh, my God. - What?

I'm so fucking dumb.

Chase.

They're gonna come for Chase.

I'm his manager, Cary. I have to pull him. We have to go.

Did you guys know the Body of Christ here

is a margherita flatbread?

Um, hey bud, I have some bad news.

This church's anti-gay and anti-woman,

so I don't think we can stay.

Oh. That sucks.

It's okay.

I think he just needs time to process it.

I mean, it took us two hours, and he's a child.

Hey guys, I just heard some news that really sucks.

Apparently this church is anti-gay and anti-woman,

so I have to leave without even giving it a second thought.

Because when you hear information like this,

that's what you do. You act.

Yes. That's right.

You act immediately.

I also then Googled the church right away

just so I'd be properly informed.

Yep. 'Cause that's what you do. You Google.

- You Google right away. - Mm-hmm.

And I found a lot of bad stuff.

Apparently you guys don't allow gay people

- to hold positions of power. - Wow. Wow.

You guys are okay with this?

And you have a history of sexism

that goes all the way to the top.

This is so bad, you guys.

It also says some of your leaders

used to support conversion therapy?

Wait, I actually didn't know that one.

Is this church worse than our old church?

Why do you guys all look so cool?

You're this anti-gay, you should be like,

living in pig shit.

Not doing molly at the Soho House.

And Pastor Jax,

apparently your dad has some weird allegations against him

that you helped cover up using church money?

It says something to do with little kids.

- Uh... - Yes! Little kids?

- That's great. - Oh, my God.

- What is this now? - Wow.

You look like a fool, Jax Dag. An absolute fool.

And this whole church should take a good long look

in the mirror because if you did,

I don't think you'd like what you saw.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

I'm taking my children, and we are going home.

Can I just get the name of the person

who does your roots on the jet?

- No. - Okay.

Well, you shouldn't even use jets.

Even people from Texas know that.

I'm sorry about that, bud.

I really wanted you to get a fashion line.

Well, that's okay. I don't care.

Oh, well, thanks. It's nice.

I'm sorry you didn't get your thing either, Cary.

It's fine. I think I can actually go get

another thing.

Bye.

I need a fucking thing.

Holy shit.

That is what sex can be?

I'm glad you liked it.

And I seemed normal and good, too?

Well, I don't usually give feedback, but yes.

So what do you do?

I'm a lawyer in D.C. I'm just here for work.

Oh. Cool.

So we won't see each other again?

Oh, sorry. I just thought this was a fun thing.

Yeah. Yeah, no. This is... this is great. I've...

I've been meaning to do one of these.

I just was worried I wouldn't actually do it.

- So this is perfect. - All right.

But hey, I have a question.

Why does your dick look so different on Grindr?

Uh, yes. So... sorry. I, um...

It's just so much bigger in person.

Uh, what?

Yeah. It's, like, bigger and better.

- It is? - Yeah.

But FYI, you can't have a dick as your profile pic.

This is amazing. I have to call my sister.

- What? Ew! Why? - Never mind.

Uh, can we actually have sex again?

- Because I just got very hard, very fast. - Yeah, sure.

♪ Jesus fucking slays ♪

♪ He fucking slays all goddamn day ♪

♪ And you know it ♪

♪ Jesus fucking slays ♪

♪ So we should party in his name ♪

♪ Do real dope shit ♪

♪ Real dope shit ♪ ♪ Real dope shit ♪

♪ Jesus fucking slays ♪

♪ Better than any crush ♪

♪ Nothing 'bout him that's fake ♪

♪ And I know I'm gonna need him for life ♪

♪ I'll never ask too much ♪

♪ I'll post him on my main ♪

♪ I can't wait until he shows me my wife ♪

♪ He's never ending ♪

♪ He's always trending ♪

♪ And he deserves the best of me ♪

♪ Jesus fucking slays ♪

♪ He fucking slays all goddamn day ♪

♪ And you know it ♪

♪ Jesus fucking slays ♪

♪ So we should party in his name ♪

♪ Do real dope shit ♪

♪ Real dope shit ♪ ♪ Real dope shit ♪

♪ Jesus fucking slays ♪

♪ Real dope shit ♪

♪ Jesus fucking slays ♪

♪ Real dope shit ♪

- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -