Original subtitles

Dan, hey, I was just calling to follow up on my paychecks

and where they could all possibly be.

I know, Care. I'm all over it.

I've been riding those guys in payroll like it's a porno.

Yeah, well, do you think you could "ride them" a little harder?

I'm, like, $200 short on rent,

which is crazy because I host, like, 1,000 things.

Okay. I'm walking down to payroll right now.

But hey, in the meantime,

I got something to make you feel better.

I got you a cameo.

Whoa! What... what's the...

Gotta run. Check your email soon.

Hey, guess what?

My agent just booked me a cameo.

Care, that's awesome!

Well, now we both have something to celebrate.

Mom just became the number one attraction on TripAdvisor.

She's above 9/11.

I don't think they call it that.

But how?

Those meet and greets I started fully by accident,

they're a huge hit.

So cheers to us.

Oh.

I have to go. I have a meeting with Shuli.

God, it never ends.

But lunch is on me 'cause...

corporate card.

- Ooh. - Let me just find the...

What?

Hey, Cary, it's Ian Ziering.

Your agent just wanted to say

he knows you haven't gotten any checks in weeks,

and he's sorry about that, but he's on it.

He's been riding those guys in payroll like it's a porno

and he hopes this Cameo

will make you feel better in the meantime.

- What are you watching? - Oh.

- It's nothing. It's just... - Okay.

Well, congrats on the cameo.

They have my card, so order whatever you want.

Oh, and if they ask, you're my assistant.

Anyway, don't forget to catch

my next big Syfy movie, "Frogpocalypse Now."

Well, we were right about Chase's next move.

His blond video got 100 million views in a week!

Yeah!

- The kids really ate that up. - Yeah. Thank God.

I mean, that was even bigger than any of his videos

with actual singing in them.

Which means Chase is now such a famous singer

that he doesn't even need to sing.

He can just be like Rihanna or Justin Timberlake.

Yeah I mean, Justin never sings anymore.

And when he does, it actually hurts his singing career.

Ugh, remember his last album? He went rogue on that one.

Yeah, that album almost made him not a singer.

Because people don't need that from him anymore.

And they don't need it from Chase.

So instead, we're gonna use the time

that Chase used to be singing

to build his singing empire in other ways.

What's his MySpace?

What's his Trolls? What's his undrinkable tequila?

God, this is so smart, Shuli. Thanks for figuring that out.

It's what we do.

And we're glad to have you on the team, aren't we, guys?

Oh, and I hired her,

so that clapping is also for me.

Just ask your brother for money, or your mom,

or, I guess, even Brooke now.

Absolutely not. I'm almost 30.

I don't want people to know I'm broke

because I'm waiting on money from Bagel Bites TV.

Well, I mean, I could probably

get you a job here if you want.

Thanks, but I can't go backwards.

Okay, rude.

It doesn't have to be full-time.

You can just work here for a day and quit,

like Jesse Metcalfe did last month.

Or, wait, you should do Cameo.

You're a D-list celebrity who can't pay rent.

That's what it's for.

- Okay, rude. - Hey, I love Cameo.

I use it all the time.

Last year, I made Candace Cameron

come out to my aunt for me.

Isn't she, like, super Christian?

Yeah, but she also needs money.

And that's the beauty of Cameo.

I guess I could, like, charge $100, do two, and then get off?

$100?

Who do you think you are? Tom Arnold?

Uh-uh, no. You are, like...

$18, max.

Oh, God.

Okay, first up, guys,

as I was telling Brooke earlier,

Chase will be guest-editing this month's issue of "Vogue."

When were you telling her that?

Oh, I just got here a second before you,

and she mentioned it.

Oh, of course.

What is your game, girl?

And because of that, he's been invited

to an exclusive "Vogue" party tonight,

where they'll be unveiling the newest Hadid.

Oh, my God. It's not just Bella and Gigi?

No; apparently, there's a third one

whose features hadn't settled in until now.

And they're having a first-look party

of her face and body for industry insiders.

Well, oh, count me out.

Pat doesn't have a show tomorrow,

so I'm finally taking my lady out for dinner.

Who needs a Hadid when you got a Dubek?

Uh, it's fine. I don't need you to go.

I put Brooke on the list.

Uh, wait, what?

I get to go, and my name will be on the list?

Yes.

So, like, when I get there, I'll say, "Brooke Dubek,"

they'll say, "Okay," and I'll just walk in?

Yes.

I mean, I could push the date if I have to be there too.

We only need one of you to go.

Plus, Brooke is more...

visually preferable for events like this.

- The party starts at 6:00. - Oh, perfect.

Well, I have a call for Pat's new digital aftershow at 6:00,

but I'll just take it there.

What call? Now there's a call?

Oh, it's literally nothing.

They said they just needed one of us,

so I figured I'd take care of it.

Thank you, Shuli.

I was really feeling like I needed a night out.

So you don't need me for the party or the call?

Looks like Brooke can do it all.

She can't fuck her mom! So...

Okay, I think we're done here.

Cary, guess what?

I am on the list for a dope-ass "Vogue" party tonight.

Oh, cool.

Yeah, perks of being a manager.

You can be my plus one.

All you have to do is just say my name.

They will have it, and you're in.

Yeah, that's how that goes.

I actually can't tonight, though.

I have work.

Oh, boo! Well, get that coin, honey.

Hey, Lisa, Cary Dubek here.

Your mom just wanted to say congratulations

on getting your braces off,

and she thinks 42 is really gonna be your year.

Hey, Mary, Cary Dubek here.

Happy 14th birthday.

You're one old miniature schnauzer.

Oh, my God.

Hey, Mario... hey.

Hey, what are you doing here? I thought you had work drinks.

I do. Who's Mario?

He's my cousin.

Mario Dubek.

Yeah, okay. Have fun.

Yeah, I'm in for the night, just doing nothing.

Okay, you too.

Have fun talking... to your cousin Mario.

Hey, Mario, you're 13...

♪ And I cannot lie ♪

♪ Your older brothers all say hi ♪

Okay. Thank you. Have a good time.

- Hey, I'm ChaseDreams. - And I'm Brooke Dubek.

I'm also on the list.

Okay, great.

Oh, my God, I wish my younger self could see this moment.

And we're having all guests

chuck their phones before they go inside.

Oh, um, sorry.

I have a quick call with the team from Chex Mix,

and I wanna take it inside so I don't miss anything.

Absolutely not.

Even though the new Hadid's face has settled,

there still might be some last-minute creative decisions.

So we don't wanna risk any social media leaks.

Ugh, fine.

Okay, Chase, you go inside,

and I'll be there in a sec...

for the best night... of our lives.

Please announce yourself.

- Brooke's on. - Tom's on.

Mike's on.

- Felicia's on. - Raj is on.

Leslie Auerbach.

Hey, guys.

Thanks for sponsoring Pat's new digital aftershow.

We'll make this quick.

We just need to settle on a name.

Do we like, "The Pat Aftershow Presented by Chex Mix"

or "Chex Mix Presents the Pat Aftershow"?

We're good with either.

Hey, guys, it's Kirsten.

Tamra's 5:00 is running long. She'll be on in just a sec.

Great. Let's hold for Tamra.

Oh, okay. Sure.

Hey, Alex.

Hey, Jay!

Hey, Denise. Cary Dubek here.

Your BFF says you just came out of the closet

and you wanna be just like me when you're 40.

Thanks, and congrats. And I'm 29.

Your roommate says you're my biggest fan.

Thank you very much.

She also says sorry about the toilet

and she will pay for the floor.

Your friend Alicia wanted me to remind you

to keep following your dreams,

and maybe one day,

we'll talk about you on "The Gay Minute."

Oh, shit, I did it. I made $200.

Hi, you've reached Brooke Dubek.

I can't come to the phone

'cause I'm inside an exclusive party...

Hey, guys, still holding for Tamra.

Thanks, Kirsten.

... 'cause when you work hard, you play hard.

That's that manager life...

Hey, Brooke.

So I actually finished up work early,

so I think I will come to the party.

All right, see you soon, honey.

Ew. Sorry.

So what did everyone do this weekend?

I just sort of laid low.

- Yeah, me too. - Me too. I laid low.

- Ugh. - New to the manager game, huh?

Probably had your name on the list,

plus one and everything?

Yeah.

This call is taking forever. I just wanna get in there.

Yeah. Sorry, sister.

This is the way it always goes.

Managers are the Helen Keller's of the entertainment industry.

We're technically at every party,

but we can never see or hear them.

What? No! That sucks.

Well, at least Streeter's off having a nice night.

Cheers.

I am so glad we're doing this.

Aww. Me too.

So...

What do you think they're talking about on that call?

Chase, hey.

Oh, hey, Cary. Have you seen Brooke?

I can't find her.

What's going on with the ghost in the center of the room?

Oh, it's the new Hadid. Her name's Jamma.

So there's an actual woman underneath there?

- Hi. Achenasia from "Vogue." - Chase.

- And this is my brother, Cary. - Hey.

He's the host of "The Gay Minute."

It's really tight.

Oh, yeah, it's just a little pop culture news show.

A lot of people say it's...

Chase, Anna Wintour was looking to chat.

- Can I steal you? - Yeah.

See you.

Can I get a gin and tonic, please?

There you go.

- That'll be $36. - What?

How am I gonna pay for...

What about you, Brooke? How was your weekend?

I worked literally all of it,

and then when I finally did have a sec to myself,

I jacked off to the Snapchat video of Noah Centineo saying, "Squirt,"

but fell asleep with my hand inside me.

Brooke, you there?

I think you might have it muted it on your end.

- Brooke? - Pretty much just laid low.

- So nice to do. - Oh, that's the best.

Yeah, I love to lay low.

Hey, guys, one more sec for Tamra.

Got a pizza here for Tina?

Thank you so much.

Yeah, no worries, girl. Totally get it.

Long day at the office for Tam-Tam.

Where even is that office of hers?

We're on 38th and 7th.

Great locaysh! Better have a good view.

We do. We're on the 19th floor.

Perfect.

Ugh, okay.

Peter, your buds wanted me to wish you a happy b-day

since you love me

and you've seen every episode of "The Gay Minute,"

which is really cool.

Have fun tonight at Kettle of Fish.

I wish I could make it,

but I'm actually at an insane party with Anna Wintour.

Huh, that one was nice.

Jamie!

Hey, guys. It's Kirsten. Still holding for Tamra.

Where is she?

Hey, Tamra? You're needed on a call.

Oh, okay.

Just wrapping something up.

Really, Tamra?

Because I don't think you are "wrapping something up."

Sorry, I was just catching up with my friend Susan,

and I lost track of time.

This isn't even a meeting?

12 people have been sitting

with their thumbs up their asses

on a Friday night call because of a... Susan?

Listen, I... I will be on in a sec.

- So there's this... - There.

That was a sec.

The problem is, Tamra,

I don't think you know what a sec is.

Get out of here, Susan. I don't want you to see this.

Ugh, I'll hop on right now.

I just need to go to the bathroom first.

If you need to go to the bathroom,

you can shit in your pants,

you Chex Mix bitch.

Now dial in.

- Shuli. - Oh, Cary.

What a surprise.

Oh, this is Cary, the brother of...

ChaseDreams. Yeah, yeah.

And son of Pat.

I was gonna say "Brooke's brother."

Cary here hosts "The Fag Hour" for Allegra.

Actually, it's called "The Gay Minute" for Advil.

Um, sort of like "Best Week Ever,"

but for a modern audie... yeah, you get it.

Have you seen Brooke?

I want her to meet Anna Wintour.

Yeah, I haven't been able to find her,

but I'd be down to meet Anna.

Sure.

You know, it's cool.

I'm actually...

I'm headed out to another party anyway.

So...

And you've seen every episode of "The Gay Minute,"

which is really cool.

Have fun tonight at Kettle of Fish.

I wish I could make it, but I am at an insane party...

- I vote "Chex Mix Presents" - Thanks, Tamra. Brooke?

"Chex Mix Presents."

Okay. It's settled then.

Thanks so much, everyone. Great call.

Streeter's on.

I know I wasn't needed.

but you can never have too many opinions.

- No. - What did I miss?

No. Streeter...

You're right, Brooke. I'm being rude.

How was everybody's weekend?

You have to watch "Love Island."

Oh, my God, I love "Love Island."

I'd start with season three 'cause it has Amber and Kem.

Or you could do season five.

Just don't do four 'cause it has that doctor who sucks.

Oh, yeah.

Surprise!

- Oh. - Hello.

Hey, you're Cary Dubek!

Oh, my God, this is insane.

My friends got me a Cameo from you for my birthday.

I know. That's why I'm here...

to say happy birthday in real life.

Oh, my God. Thank you.

Um, that is... so nice.

So...

what we doing?

We drinking or...

Oh, yeah.

I guess I'll go ask for another glass for the pitcher.

Awesome.

So you guys all love "The Gay Minute"?

And it has to be exactly one minute,

so sometimes I'll have to do it again and go faster.

- Oh, cool. - Wow.

So where do you guys watch it?

Oh, like, usually, during the lunch break at my desk.

- Yeah. - Totally. Totally.

How do you guys know each other?

Uh, Ben is friends with Dave through work.

And Dave went to school with Rachel and Peter.

And me and Allison, we met at improv class.

I forgot you two both took improv.

Yeah, yeah.

That class is where he convinced me to get Tara.

Oh, my God, Tara. How is she?

Did the water therapy work?

Not really, and the vet is stumped.

Oh, you know whose dog died? Asher.

- Oh, no. - So sad.

He did not need that this year.

No, that's so sad. Oh, my God.

Oh, no. No. I have to go.

Oh.

Yeah, I just have an early call time, 6:00 am, so yeah...

- Oh, wow. Yeah. - Yeah.

- Yeah, I have to. - Nice to meet you.

Yeah. It was awesome.

Yes.

- Happy birthday. - You too... thank you so much.

- So sweet. - Thanks. Thanks, you guys.

Cary? What are you doing here?

You said you were in for the night.

Oh, I was just getting drinks with my cousin, Mario.

Yeah, he's in town from Italy, yeah.

But you don't need to know his whole life story.

Let's just go home.

So I know the choices

are "Chex Mix Presents" and "Presented by Chex Mix,"

but what about "Brought to You by"?

- Oh, interesting. - Ooh.

Ugh.

You sure you don't want some of this pizza?

We got plenty.

You know what? No.

I am not going to give up and sit on the ground

and eat pizza and have black hair.

I am going into this building. I'm going to have fun,

and I am going to see this fucking Hadid's ears and tits

before any of my friends because I am a manager,

and those are the perks.

She's gonna try earbuds. It's not gonna work.

I kinda like "Brought to you By."

Yeah, I don't know.

I still think "Chex Mix Presents."

So we have four for "Brought to you By"

as in four for "Chex Mix Presents."

Is "Chex Mix Presents" confusing?

Brooke, what do you think?

I like what everyone else likes.

Uh, Brooke, you're cutting out.

Um, I said I like what everyone else likes, Streeter.

Sorry, Brooke, are you away from your phone?

If you're using earbuds,

you can't be too far from the phone.

No, I'm... no, I'm just at my desk.

You have a desk?

I don't have a desk. Did Shuli give you a desk?

Are you cheating on me?

What?

I mean, first, you hide your phone this morning,

then I see you at some random bar.

I'm not an idiot, Cary.

- It's not what you think. - Then what is it?

If you're not cheating on me, what's going on?

I...

okay, I...

I was short on rent this month,

so I signed up for Cameo.

And I didn't want you to know 'cause I was embarrassed, and...

Then how do you explain the bar?

Well...

one of the Cameos said

they were having their birthday party there,

so I... I decided I'd show up and surprise them.

How stupid do you think I am?

No person on Earth would do that.

No, this is an even worse lie than Cousin Mario from Italy.

I'm not lying, and...

and I can prove it.

You know, since we're spitballing,

what about "Sponsored by Chex Mix"?

Oh, I like that. Yes. Or "In Conjunction With."

Sorry, if we're gonna be here all night,

I think I'd really like to get to know Chex Mix as a company.

Like, Tom, what's all in that mix of yours?

Great question.

So of course, we start with Chex.

- Hi. What are these? - Eel and cottage cheese rolls.

Ugh! Fuck you.

And then we add a bunch of pretzels.

And, yeah. That's Chex Mix.

Wow, that's fascinating.

But I wanna back up even further.

Leslie, how do you make a Chex?

- Brooke, there you are. - We've been looking for you.

I wanna introduce you to Anna.

Yes, please. Where is she?

She had to go to the bathroom.

Did she say if it was number one or number two?

She did. It's a two.

Oh, damn it!

Oh, my God, he's back.

Hey, Peter, my boyfriend was just here with you, right?

- Yes. - And what was he doing?

You can be totally honest.

My friends got me a Cameo from him,

and then he showed up a in real life too.

Oh, so that really happened?

Yeah. It was kinda like a "Goosebumps."

All right, guys, thanks for clearing that. Thank...

And did he also really grab a stool and sit down

and talk about "The Gay Minute" for an hour?

It was maybe more like two, definitely.

Okay, guys, thank you so much for clearing up.

And that was all he wanted.

Like, then he just paid for his drinks and left

and didn't have sex with any of you?

Oh, absolutely none of us had sex with him.

- No. - No.

Also, he didn't pay for his drinks.

And he got nachos and didn't pay for those either.

Okay, everyone,

this is the moment we've all been waiting for.

So, Raj, who invented Chex Mix,

and what's his whole life story?

We've actually been talking so much about Chex Mix.

What about you? Do you like being a manager?

Ladies and gentlemen, Jamma Hadid!

- Oh, my God, she's gorgeous. - Look at those ears!

And tits.

Yes, I...

love it.

It's everything I thought it would be.

Hey, I'm...

I'm sorry I lied to you

and invented an Italian man.

I... and then tonight, I just was feeling worthless.

I thought going to that dumb Cameo party

might make me feel...

wanted or... something.

Well... first of all,

you are not worthless,

and you are wanted by me.

- Thank you. - I'm serious, Cary.

You're everything to me. Like, everything.

That's...

nice, yeah.

When I thought you were cheating on me, I was a wreck.

You are the most important person... in my life.

You're, like, my whole world.

Uh-oh.

And what color were her eyes?

They were brown. And her hair was brown too.

She sounds so pretty.

- Oh, my God! - Whoo!

Oh, God. I miss that.

Cheers, bitches.

Call 911!

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

You got a problem, bitch?

You know what?

I'm good.

So, wait, what was her neck like?

Was it, like, short or long?

- Um, I don't know. I don't really remember. - I bet it was long.

It looked long through the sheet.

- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -