Original subtitles

Oh!

This is so wonderful.

All of us together again!

It's amazing how time passes, yaar.

You remember when Jimi was just four...

and Simran beat him up because he tried to kiss her?

"Ravi, where is Dechoprah? Still chasing girls is he?"

Hi...sorry I'm late, mum, a traffic jam.

Huh, we know all about your traffic jams.

Aaree, beta, come here, come here, come, come.

Sit, sit.

Do you remember me?

You remember my old friend, Harishbhai?

Yes, of course, uncle, how are you?

Had a good flight?

You don't want to know. I tell you all,

bloody airports, they drive me mad.

Our people drive me mad, it's as if...

the entire village was flying with me.

I hate flying!

So, what do you think of my Jimi now?

He looks so nice. Isn't he?

Kem aha, Aunty.

And he speaks such good Gujarati.

This is Simran.

Yeah, of course, how are you, all right?

Fine, thank you.

We were just talking about the time when you were younger...

and you used to get into such mischief together.

Jimi, did you know it was your father...

who named Simran at her birth?

Huh?

Do you remember that, Minaxi?

Of course, how could we forget those special moments.

It is these emotions that have brought us here to you.

Jimi, why don't you show Simran around the garden.

Ha!

Beta, beta.

Go, go!

We've already made breakfast.

Jack if that's you I'm going to punch your flaming lights out.

Oh, it's you.

Good morning, darling, what time is it?

It's just gone two.

What!

I've got to get you ready for school.

I've got to make your packed lunch.

Have you washed yet?

I haven't got time for breakfast!

Oh, what am I playing at...

It's Saturday, Mummy.

Don't worry, you can rest.

The doctor said you needed to.

The doctor?

Oh did he now.

- Mummy. -Yeah?

Well, why does the doctor need to use handcuffs?

Come here, give me a hug.

It pleases my old heart to see you all together.

After so long.

And in England too!

Have you talked about Simran?

I have something to tell you.

I've brought Simran here with the intention of finding someone...

suitable for her.

Can you help me find someone?

I think they've found each other.

Huh?

Haggfl

How about our Jimi!

What a fantastic idea!

That's a great plan.

Look at them, huh!

They make such a wonderful couple.

All we need now is to call the priest.

The charts match.

But there's one problem.

What's the matter?

The wedding must happen in the next seven days...

in order for them to have a happy marriage.

That's it? No problem.

The sooner the better.

The faster I get to have a great grandchild...

the better for me in heaven.

Panditji muh meethra Kara.

You know what that means, Harishbhai?

Operation Fast Track Wedding!

Aree, what is all that about?

That's no way to talk to your grandmother!

Sorry daadi ji, what's up?

Jimi.

Can I ask you a question?

Sure, as long as you don't want me to nick any drugs...

for the neighbor's cat.

No, no, I don't need them.

I wanted to ask you something else.

It's been awhile since you've seen Simran, right?

Yeah, yeah.

What do you think of her?

Yeah, look, she's sweet, just like I remember her.

Would you like her to stay with us?

Forever.

Do you like her?

Yeah, look Gran, is there anything else?

No, I've got all I wanted!

Jimi likes her!

Simran beti, what do you think of Jimi?

Is he suitable for you?

Whatever you think is best for me Uncle ji.

Don't call me Uncle ji. call me Papa ji,

you are my daughter now.

Ham

Jimi's a very lucky boy but I must say...

it all happened very fast.

It did all happen rather fast.

We weren't looking for anyone special for him.

Turn that horrible thing off.

Hey!

Hi.

I can't rescue, we've been waiting.

When opportunity comes your way, you can't say no.

Sounds like the party's in full swing.

Parents have seemed to put together quite a gathering...

for the new arrivals.

No shit man, after all they can't let their only son down, huh?

Whoa!

They must have been huge.

You" Player!

Anyway, you lucky dog, that Simran is fine!

Is she? I hadn't noticed.

What's all this letting me down shit about anyway?

Oh, my dear bro, looks like someone forgot to say...

that you are getting married.

Shut up!

And today just happens to be your engagement.

What?

Ah, there you are. We were beginning to worry.

What time do you call this?

Why aren't you properly dressed?

What the hell is going on and why didn't anybody ask me...

about this engagement?

Your grandma did and you said, yes.

Now come on we're getting late for the service.

Just wait a minute!

You people are sitting here chit chatting...

while the priest is standing there waiting!

Jimi, why are you making such a glum face!

Smile, it's your engagement day.

You'll spoil the photo with that sulk.

I don't want to get engaged!

What's wrong with her?

I'm sure you said you thought that she was pretty,

didn't he, Maa ji?

And so what is the problem?

Nothing, look there is no problem with Simran,

I am not ready to get married.

You know, what happened to me making decisions for myself?

This is for your own happiness, son.

Yeah!

And remember how your father wants to see you married...

and with all the problems he's having with his health,

it's for the best.

Remember all he's done for you.

Doesn't that mean anything, huh?

Yes, think of your father, think of me.

Now, no more of this talk about "ready sheady". Come!

- Hi. -Hi.

I'm so proud of you, it's been such a happy day.

We couldn't have asked for anymore.

That's great, grandma, at least one of us is really happy.

All I need from you now is a grandson before I die.

I need a drink!

Aree, Beta, you look so handsome.

And what a pretty wife you have chosen.

Hey, listen up, right, here's the deal.

The wedding's going to be in five days.

So you better be there, you get me but for now...

we're going to spin some fat tunes and get you old folks...

shaking your booty on the dance floor, yeah?

So big up to Jim and Sim.

[All] Yeah!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Who's that?

Sorry princess, how come you're sleeping down here?

Mummy isn't feeling too well so the doctor came around again.

She's ill again, huh?

Do you think she'll be okay?

Yeah, you don't worry about that.

I'm sure the doctor will see to her.

Jimi, where have you been?

At my wedding engagement.

Your what?

My engagement party.

I'm going to get married.

And you didn't even tell me?

Who you getting married to?

A girl called Simran.

You want to see a photo of her?

Does that mean you won't be living with us?

I don't know, princess.

She's very pretty. Do you like her?

She's okay.

Yeah, she's quite fit actually.

Look Jack, I can explain.

Save it!

I'm out of here.

Where's he going?

What's the matter, Jimi?

Come on, let's get your coat on and we'll go find Uncle Jack.

Shit!

Uncle Jack, are you angry with me?

It's cold, it's late, let's go home.

Should I say congrats?

Oh, don't do this.

It's funny you know, I was just thinking...

you reckon you know someone completely...

having known them for years...

and then any one moment something happens...

and they change...and you realize you don't know them at all.

Wow.

I really like your ring.

Will I have one when I get married?

Will I get married, Uncle Jack?

Of course you will, princess.

When you find someone that you fall in love with...

love is this really special thing, it's hard to find...

but when you do find it, you never throw it away...

because if you do it may never come back to you.

So like I love you, Jimi and mummy.

Yeah, princess, that's love.

Some people just don't understand that.

Give me a chance to explain...please.

When you find someone you love, you'd do anything for them.

You care for them and you trust them and they betray you.

It just happened.

I had no choice.

I didn't even know I was getting engaged until I got there.

You should have walked away!

It was an engagement party Jack, with half of Delhi,

with my parents celebrating, the bride was sat there.

Then they start with my father's health.

I tried to resist.

And they pressured me and I went along with it.

And I'm sorry.

I felt like I owed it to them.

Good old Jimi, always doing what others want,

but at what cost, eh?

Doesn't the past three years mean anything to you?

Of course it does.

I don't want to lose you!

But I can't pull out of the wedding.

And what does that make me, your bit on the side?

If they love you as much as you say they do...

then they will accept you for who and what you are.

Mine didn't love me anyway, finding out was just the...

excuse my dad was looking for to chuck me out.

But this is not just about your life or your happiness.

I mean, what about this girl you're marrying?

Have you thought about her happiness?

Have you thought about our happiness?

You really think your parents want you to be unhappy?

Stop kidding yourself and wake up.

If you'd been there you might understand.

Make a choice.

It's either me or them, you've got to follow your heart.

Your heart isn't worth it.

Come on, princess.

♪ If looked at you would you look at me? D

♪ Would you tell me the words I want you to feel? D

♪ Would you call my name, feel my fear and my pain. D

♪ Oh look at me as I fall. I'

♪ 'Cause I'm falling and I'm falling in love with you. D

You going to be like this all day?

Oh, of course I'm not a doctor, so I wouldn't understand...

your terrible and complicated life.

I'm a bit thick, Jimi.

I don't understand life and pressure because...

I'm not smart like you.

I am not going to work today.

Who's shit in your cereal?

Come on, there must be a reason why you two...

look so flippin depressed.

Lovely sight first thing in the morning.

It's good to see you so perky for once, V.

I'm guessing it was a good night.

A good night in regards last night as an unobtainable high.

It was better than good, it was the shilling in my pudding,

it was the age of flippin enlightenment.

In short, chaps, it was spectacular.

Oh yeah?

Well it was all right.

Anyway, why do you two look so bloody gloomy.

Casanova is getting married in four days.

In the words of the good doctor last night, come again?

Four days!

Are you taking the piss?

Something to do with the stars.

It's a long story.

Do I look like I've got plans?

Come on, give me a smoke and tell me all about it.

So who are you marrying?

Simran, we got engaged yesterday.

Oh, and me without a hat.

Who's Simran?

She's like a relative of a relative of a relative.

Inbreeding, eh?

Kinky.

I'm sorry I still don't get it.

What's to get?

I'm engaged and the wedding's on Friday.

Look, it may be because I've got a hangover,

but from the noises that come from your room,

I was fairly certain there was something going on between you two.

Yeah, I thought so too.

So Jimi, what're you playing at.

It's a family thing, V.

I'm an only child, I was born to make babies.

My mum's worried about my dad and she wants results before,

before anything happens to him.

And what about what you want?

Yeah, well I just want to be happy,

but fortunately I'm only happy when you're all happy...

and that includes my parents.

So go and tell them about the wedding.

Tell them it's not happening.

Tell them what makes you happy and anyway...

you can't ruin that poor girl's life by letting her...

marry somebody like you.

Cheers.

No sweat, pet. Now tell them.

Right, I am going to rinse my diaphragm,

you had better gone by the time I get back.

Oh thank you, thank you.

Welcome, welcome, welcome, my dear son-in-law, Jimi,

so how are you?

Huh, huh, ready for the big day?

Yeah, okay Uncle, is my Dad here.

Oh yes, he is here, he is here.

Oh my dear, I tell you I never thought a day would come...

when you would be marrying my Simran.

To tell the truth uncle, neither did I.

Dad.

Well hello son.

This is a surprise, we weren't expecting you...

til this evening.

Hello Jack.

Let me introduce Jimi's best man, Jack.

- Hello Jack. -Pleased to meet you.

Same here. Excuse me.

Best man, when are you going to tell them?

Jimi, Jack, oh Jack, we have a suit for you to wear...

for the wedding, remember to take it with you before you go.

Jack, you must meet Simran.

Simran, beti.

She is beautiful, I'm sure Jimi must have told you all about her.

Yeah he did, he even showed me the photo,

he keeps it on his mobile.

Affectionate, eh?

Simran beti, this is Jack.

Hello Jack, how do you do?

I've had better days.

And Jack, don't forget to book their tickets...

for the honeymoon, it's all part of the best man's responsibility.

Most certainly, and I know what Jimi likes.

Simran, Maa ji's calling you, in the kitchen...

Hey Jimi man, congratulations,

we didn't think you were the marrying kind.

So who's your friend.

Sorry ladies, this is Jack.

Hi, Jack.

I'm Beena and that's Meena.

Well girls, it's nice to meet you.

Beginning to wonder if Jimi knew anyone under the age of 40.

So what do you do, Jack?

I work at a travel agency in town.

So will you book me away?

Depends on what you have to offer?

- Me. -Me.

- Us. -Us.

I look forward to that.

Jimi your grandmother's looking for you,

she's in the kitchen.

- Yes, uh, Jack, a word... -Forget about Jack.

The girls will look after Jack.

Ey Simran, where's your Bapu Ji?

Do you know if he's called India and told them the good news?

I better go find him.

Jimi, you're very lucky.

Simran knows how to cook everything,

even better than your mother.

Stop it, you're embarrassing me, Grandma.

I can cook just as well.

Yeah, you really must try Jimi's banana split.

I'm really hungry.

Do you have any of those famous Asian nuts lying around?

So tell me all the gossip about Jimi?

What does he get up to in his own time?

Trust me, he likes to keep everyone satisfied,

bends over backwards to keep people happy.

Jimi, Jimi.

Jimi, I was talking to Ravi,

he said it is a custom to have a shag night...

before you get married.

Tell me, when are you having it?

It's a stag night, Uncle and no I'm not having one.

Why not? Tradition is important.

Ravi said that beautiful girls taking off...

their clothes are a part of your culture.

I tell you what Uncle, I'll think about it, okay?

Excellent!

So he's got half his hand up there like it's a magician's hat.

So I say, "Oh, baby, a stroke would be nice" and he said,

"You can have a fuckin heart attack for all I care."

What a knob, what did you do?

Well, shortly afterwards I accidentally spilled red wine...

over his carpet and his sofa and some accidentally fell...

into his shoes as well.

Oh, and I accidentally cut six inches off his suit trousers.

Marlene, you butter fingers!

So how's things going with you?

Hannah and Jack all right?

Yeah, they're okay, Jack's been helping out with Hannah.

It's nice, it's like a family.

Hey, is he still with that cute guy isn't he?

Yeah, sorry, what a waste.

Are you sure he's definitely...

Yes!

Okay, only asking.

I need another drink.

Working here is leaving my alcohol level dangerously close...

to being legally allowed to drive.

V, drinking never solved anything, man.

But it helps you forget.

What are you talking about, you haven't remembered...

anything since 1987.

Exactly.

It's better not to remember things and it helps me sleep.

You know what they say, ignorance is bliss.

Things aren't that bad, surely!

Things are like they always are.

The heating's temperamental, the electric bills...

are piling up and then I get a letter from Hannah's school...

asking me to pay for a trip or some crap.

Twenty quid to send a six-year-old...

down to a flipping castle.

What's all that about eh?

Oh, and then there's all this crap with Jimi's engagement.

What?!

Three beers and a double whiskey...

and we still don't know what to do.

Why can't life be simple?

Maybe I should go talk to Simran,

tell her I'm getting cold feet or something,

or I can't have kids.

Firing blanks, there's no lead in the pencil.

Do you think it'll work?

Yeah, no, I don't know.

I just can't see a way out.

But marrying her, anyway you think she's going to...

want to marry you if she knew the truth?

Look I know where you're coming from...

but this isn't fair on either of us.

You need to tell her, get her to call off the wedding.

I don't know.

You know I must be cursed.

Dad hates me, mum died on me...

and now I feel like I'm losing you.

Hey, no, no, you mean the world to me.

Then don't throw it away, tell her, just be honest.

Mummy says we should always be honest and tell the truth...

because if we're bad but we're honest...

then we won't get told off for it.

- What would you like? -Tea for three people please.

- OK. -Thank you.

Oh, what the blasted hell you mean you can't find the photographs?

Look again, man.

Oh, nice.

He's got nice tight buns, you know,

I wouldn't mind getting my teeth in them, angel.

Ha ji, that necklace we saw, wasn't it beautiful?

Ha, Asha ji, things are so expensive here.

That's true, but what can we do? We have no time.

Ah, all right Simran, why don't you go...

and get the engagement photos, huh?

OK.

Tell me, what happened?

So the Priya, that girl, was there and then she ran away.

Here you are, your photographs.

Thank you.

Excuse me, can I ask you a question?

I'm not really supposed to talk to strangers.

My daddy told me not to.

Where is your daddy?

There he is.

Jimi, Jimi is your daddy?

Yeah, do you know him?

Honey, let's go and don't forget your school bag.

Thanks for your help, lady, sorry about that.

It's me who's sorry.

I don't believe this.

It's impossible. How could he?

Wait till I get my hands on that bloody fool!

He has a child?

Hey Ram, he has a child.

Hi, hi...he has a child.

Jimi hasn't got a child, have you people gone mad?

He's a good boy.

Are you calling my daughter a liar, Maa ji?

Minaxi!

Chandler bhai, what to do?

My Jimi has a child.

I'm a grandmother.

Simran beti, are you sure it was Jimi...

that you saw in the photo?

Could you have been mistaken?

No, Uncleji...

she pointed to Jimi on the photo and said 'that's my daddy'.

Maaji, all I can say is I'm very shocked.

It is good that we found out now than after the wedding.

My poor Simran, who will marry her now?

Why don't you go and see Jimi?

We'll sort it out ourselves.

No, no, you go, please we will wait here,

we will stay here.

Come, let's go to Jimi's house.

Hello.

Hello, who are you?

You talk to her.

Me?

Is Jimi here?

No.

Okay, bye-

But he does live here, who are you?

We are his mommy and daddy, we want to talk to Jimi.

Who are you?

Hannah.

That couldn't be Jimi's child, could it?

Could be.

Can we come in and wait for Jimi?

Okay then, come on in.

OK. Come.

Oh God...

Drunk at this time of the day?

My poor Jimi.

This is too much, look at the state of her.

How that thing could produce such a beautiful child is beyond me.

Should I try and wake her up?

Mummy, wake up. Mummy, mummy, wake up.

Hello there.

Good afternoon.

I hope we are not disturbing you.

What? Who are you?

Hannah, what have I told you about opening the door to strangers?

Give it a rest woman. We need to talk to you.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves, shall we?

Who are you and what are you doing in my house?

We're Jimi's parents.

Well Jimi's not here right now.

Hang on a minute, what do you want to talk to me for?

We need to find out what's going on.

She angry at something?

This is my mother-in-law and Jimi's grandmother.

She can be the queen of southern Sheba for all I care,

will somebody just stop her lips flapping.

I've got a monster hangover and well to be honest,

she's not helping.

No respect, what have you done to my Jimi?

What have I done?

What am I to supposed to have done?

He was born that way, I'm just glad Jimi's told you what's what.

Now I think you should just respect his wishes...

and give him your blessing.

Blessing shessing, my foot.

There is no way I'm going to hand over my grandson to you.

We know what our son needs, we need to know how to work it out.

Well, it's simple.

Let Jimi lead his own life.

Let him make his own decisions.

He'll always have me there to support him.

YOu?

Look at you!

How can you support him?

It's 4:00 and you are pissed out!

I think we can sort all this out in a calm manner.

Just a minute!

You come barging into my house calling me an alcoholic...

and will somebody shut that stupid bitch up for five minutes.

Who are you calling a bitch?

Mummy, who's a bitch.

Ah, there you are Jimi, hello Jack.

We've been waiting for you Jimi.

It's nice surprise.

Jimi, come and join the party.

So to recap, I'm here resting me eyes when your entire clan...

walks in and starts calling me a boozy slag,

and this one here she's done nothing but...

shout gypsy curses at me and somehow I'm to blame for something.

What's going on?

What do you think? Simran was very upset.

She told us, Jimi. She told us, Jimi.

Don't you worry about what people might say?

My son with a child.

Don't you worry Jimi, whatever this woman has done...

I will wipe it out with my own potions.

What happened to you?

You used to be such a sweet little boy.

Look at you now.

Jimi if you've got a minute, I'd quite like to know what's going on.

Word in the kitchen.

Oh, go ahead Jimi, we're all friends here.

Go ahead.

Oh, look, you've told them, the worst part's over.

- I haven't. -You haven't?

So what am I being blamed for?

Told us what?

I should never have stopped drinking!

- They think what! -They think what!

Look, I don't know how they know I just know that they know.

So to clarify, your fiancée thinks that Hannah is your kid.

Well, she must have seen us together or something

or put two and three together.

I thought Indians were supposed to be good with numbers.

Did you see her?

I said did you see her?

A bottle of vodka under her arm.

She's a lush!

Will you play with me and my dolls?

Look at the state of the house Maaji.

My poor boy, my Poor, poor boy.

Why couldn't he choose a good Indian girl?

Must be my fault, I must have made a mistake...

in his upbringing.

Haven't I always been nice to you Jimi, you gutless shit!

And this is how you repay me?

I have just sat in there and told your parents...

that they should respect your wishes...

let you lead your own life...

and all the time they thought that my kid was your kid.

- And what about Jack? -And what about me?

I don't believe you.

I thought we decided you were going to tell Simran...

and then take it from there.

This isn't my fault!

Look, I'm sorry, okay?

I'm going to check on Hannah.

Not even a young English woman.

He had to go and choose an old, old woman.

Must have been your fault.

He was perhaps looking for a mother figure.

Please, please calm down.

We have to think clearly and act calmly.

With all the bloody drama...

Leave the nice lady alone, okay Hannah?

But I'd have to be Lawrence Bloody Olivier to pretend...

that you're my treasured paramour and you want me to pretend...

to be your girlfriend and for Hannah to pretend to be our kid?

- Yes! -I need a drink.

Please V, look it's not forever.

It's just until this whole wedding thing dies down.

ls there a name for what you have?

Have you been eating retard sandwiches?

How is telling your parents that you've got a girlfriend...

and a kid gonna make this all right.

Shhh!

Did you two set a date yet?

Sorry, look I've got to do something to cheer myself up.

I've been in a real bad episode. I needed this one.

Look, please V, do me this favor and I will introduce...

you to loads of young doctors.

It will be fun.

Look, just go in there, say that Hannah is my daughter.

Offer them tea and look, if Hannah is my daughter...

than I've already delivered, they've got a granddaughter,

which means the heat's off and everyone's happy.

Come on V, keep our family unit together.

It's never going to happen!

- I can't handle this sober. -Put it down.

Look, please V... just this once.

Come on we've got no choice, there is no way...

they'll accept me and you being together so there won't be a wedding.

Look I'm sure they won't disown me,

but at least they'll keep their distance.

Meanwhile there's nothing to stop me and Jack from being together.

I don't believe you Jimi, I really don't.

All right, I'll do it, but not for you, for Jack.

I can't believe the way you treat him Jimi.

I love you.

Don't you ever do this again!

Kapish?

Right.

Mum, dad, Daadi ji...

I should have been honest with you all along.

Vanessa is my girlfriend, and Hannah is our daughter.

Oh! My nightmares have come true!

What hold has she got on you?

Tell me, why is she forcing you to say...

you're the father of the child.

I know people who know some people who know other people...

who can sort her out.

Just tell me, Jimi.

Daadi ji, it's nothing like that.

I'm sorry you had to find out like this.

After all we've done for you...

this is how you repay us, huh?

You wanted to go to University, we saved up.

Then you wanted to live by yourself and we let you,

and now look what you're doing.

You're living with a woman who is old enough...

to be your grandmother!

And what kind of a friend are you, Jack,

to allow him to do such a thing?

Let him, he's a grown up, it's nothing to do with me,

he can make his own decisions.

Leave Jack out of it.

Anyone for tea?

Give me back the ring, Jimi. I've had enough of this.

I can not deal with this kind of situation anymore.

Wagon wheel?

Chaliye, Chaliye, come on let's go.

Come on.

What shame? No one in India even knows!

You didn't phone India?

With all the stuff going on I never got the time.

Okay then, what's done is done,

but the marriage was not my idea in the first place,

you know that.

Minaxi, Chander bhai is a very old friend of mine.

I'm sure if he knew he wouldn't have...

let this engagement go ahead.

All we can do is support him and help him...

through this difficult time.

Harish bhai.

I'm sorry for all that has happened.

You must believe me when I tell you...

that I had no idea about all of this.

I have no words.

We never thought Jimi would do this to us.

Simran is my daughter also, she's my responsibility.

Asha ji, I have to say I'm very hurt by all this.

I too wish this wasn't happening,

but what could we do.

Bhabi ji, what ever happens, happens for the best.

We both can find someone for Simran.

God will find a way for all of us,

but Jimi's happiness is important too.

Isn't it, Minaxi?

Ha, and you have to also think of the little girl,

she's after all part of your family.

All the wedding arrangements have been made,

our entire family and friends are coming down.

Our family name at home will be rubbish.

Everyone will tutu on us.

If you ask me, you must forgive Jimi,

after all he's our one and only.

Our future is in his happiness,

why don't you accept his girlfriend into the family.

Over my dead body!

I don't have long to live.

I don't now when my health will give up on me.

Don't say that, you'll be fine.

Chander bhai, please call Jimi, please...

and welcome him with his family.

Yeah?

It's from the family, some kind of ritual, blessing.

Cheers.

Looks like we'll be having curry for tea tonight.

Is uh...Jimi in?

Jimi, get your arse down here!

Hey, man, you all right.

Yeah, what do you want?

What, I can't come see my boy?

You've never come before.

Yeah, I got a message for you.

Your folks want your family and you to come to lunch today.

No, last time I went to lunch I got engaged.

I'm going nowhere until I know why.

Hey, chill man, I guess they just want to meet...

their new granddaughter.

Look, you can't drop a huge bomb like this on them...

and just dis them, you get me?

I suppose.

Cool. See you later, yeah?

Hey...

Does that mean that you and Simran are definitely over,

I mean, can I, you know?

Yes, of course, go ahead Ravi my man,

you have my blessing.

- Peace man. -Yes.

- Ra v, alright. -Hey man.

You joining the brotherhood?

My parents want us to go around for lunch this afternoon.

Why would they want that?

I guess they just want to get to know my girlfriend...

and my daughter.

You do realize there's no way V's going to agree to it.

Agree to what?

Jimi you owe me after what I did for you yesterday.

How stupid could one person be?

Thought that was dumb, wait till you see his next trick.

What the fuck is that?

What have you gone and done now?

I just need you to...

Whatever it is, no lam not doing it!

Just hear me out, V.

Why should I?

Just hear him out V.

Ravi came around and he said that my parents want me to...

well they want us to...

Can we go around for lunch this afternoon with Hannah?

Fuck off!

Please V, all you need to do is come around,

chew with your mouth shut and try not to swear at my family.

That is it.

And what do I get out of it?

Free lunch.

Well, what more do you want?

I'll clean the house for a week, a month.

- Tempting. -See it to believe it.

I'll baby sit.

You already do.

And I'll buy you some vodka, good stuff mind,

not that cheap corner shop piss you seem to love so much.

Buy me a crate and you've got a deal.

Thank you.

As long as you know I am not getting dressed up for it.

Same here.

- Who invited you? -Oh, I coming straight from work.

Oh yeah, and Jimi, you had better explain all this to Hannah,

especially the part about the new grandparents.

Good luck.

Hi.

- Hi. -Hi.

We meet again.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello Hannah.

Jimi, Jack, what time do you call this?

Traffic mom.

You okay Mrs. Chopra?

As well as I can be.

And how are you Vaneessa?

It's Vanessa.

A huh, Vanessa.

Hello Vanessa, hello Jack.

Jimi, aren't you going to introduce me to your lovely daughter?

Yes, sorry, Dad.

This is Hannah. Hannah, this is your granddad.

Hi my darling. Let granddad give you a kiss.

Hi.

This is your grandmother, and this is Jimi's grandmother.

That makes me your great grandmother.

Doesn't that sound nice?

Pleased to meet you all.

What a polite child, just like my little Jimi.

Chalo, chalo, are we going to stand here and talk the whole day,

my food is getting cold.

What do you want me to do with these?

I'll have these if you don't mind.

Nothing like a bottle of wine to keep a lonely woman company.

But I don't have to tell you that.

Surprise!

[AH] Surprise!

Shit!

I thought we were just coming for lunch.

I wasn't expecting the entire cast of Ghandi !

Neither was I.

Hi.

Now boys let's go and have a drink and leave it all to the ladies.

Vanessa, meet Jimi's family.

That is Simran, the one Jimi was supposed to marry,

and this is Mr. Patel, her father and this is Mrs. Patel, her mother.

And this is his Aunt Lena and that is his Aunt Shena...

and that one in the back is his mother's sister...

and that one over there is his uncle's niece's daughter and the one with the...

Ladies, ladies, why don't you take Vanessa upstairs now.

What's all that for?

It will be fine.

It's a ritual they do before lunch.

Hey dad, what the hell is going on?

I thought we were just coming around here for lunch.

Lunch co choro, ulo.

In two days you're supposed to be getting married...

and all you're worried about is your belly.

- Married? -Married?

Huh!

For, uh, what, who...

Simran called it off.

Not you and Simran, you and Vanessa.

Me and Vanessa.

Yes, you and her, we have to do the right thing by you.

We have decided to make your relationship with Vanessa official...

and since everything has been placed for the wedding...

in two days time, we just thought we'd swap the brides.

If this is what makes you happy,

then this is what makes us happy.

Hey there she is.

Ah-ha!

Just look at that!

This is a sari I bought for Simran, you can have it.

- It's just a lunch? - Look, I was told to get you here.

Just leave me alone you fucking idiot!

How is it my fault?

You're the one knocked up Vanessa Svelt.

You could have told me what to expect.

How was I supposed to know?

Jimi.

Look at me, I'm drinking coke and these samosas are yummy too.

Granny's cool, I like her.

I'm a cool granny!

When the bloody hell is this ritual going to end?

You okay, mummy?

Peachy keen, princess.

Why don't you nip into the kitchen and see if...

you can find your mum a painkiller or a big knife.

Mummy, what's all over your hands and legs?

It looks pretty.

I have absolutely no idea, pumpkin.

All I know is it feels really gooey and this woman here...

thinks she's Picasso.

Yeah, well, fuck it then!

What's all that about?

Work. Don't worry about it.

Hey, boys. Food's up.

Vanessa is going to kill me when she finds out.

You're fucked big time, hey.

How am I supposed to eat with this shit all over me?

Hannah give your mum a hand.

There we go, all better.

Have you made all the arrangements for Vanessa...

for the wedding day?

What wedding day?

- Fuck you! -Please.

No way!

Think about it!

Bollocks, Jimi! That's my final word.

lam not, nor will lever marry you!

Why not?

Because you're bloody...

Every marriage has its problems.

I didn't see this one coming, I was as surprised as you!

- Trust me. -Trust you?

I did, and I'm supposed to bloody marry you!

I am not excited about marrying you either.

All you have to do is get dolled up in the sari,

we swap the rings, grab some food, go home,

sweep it under the carpet and live happily ever after.

HaPPY ever after?

lam not marrying you for vodka!

You are such a dick head!

You got yourself into this now get yourself out!

You're my only hope, V.

My parents will want me married whatever happens.

If it's not you...then it's going to be somebody else.

But at least this way I don't lose Jack.

You know, we all win.

We can all live together under the same roof...

in our family house.

Please, V.

The last three years have been the most beautiful years of my life,

of Jack's life.

I can't live without him.

Fuck off, you wankers!

It went really well today, didn't it?

Hmm?

And that Vanessa, she's not so bad after all.

Just tell me one thing...

Did Jimi look happy to you?

Lo ji, what did you mean 'did he look happy'?

Of course he looked happy, this is what he wants.

I don't know.

I suppose so.

Oh, remember what the doctor said, no worrying.

You must look after your heart.

With you here my dear, I don't have to worry about anything.

- Where are my pills? -Oh.

Mummy.

Hmm?

Are you upset with Jimi for lying to you?

Yeah, I am pumpkin.

Would you be angry with me if I lied?

You wouldn't lie, Hannah, would you?

So we should always be honest?

Yeah, something which Jimi is totally incapable of.

What's wrong, love?

Is there something you want to tell me?

Well, yeah.

Promise you won't be angry?

I won't. Tell me, love.

You know the other day when me and Aunt Marlene...

went to the photo shop?

And I...

ls it about Aunt Marlene and that shop assistant?

No, it isn't mum.

I told a pretty lady Jimi was my daddy.

- Which pretty lady? -Simran.

The one Jimi was going to marry,

the one who's photo Jimi...

What the hell did you do that for?

How many times have I told you not to meddle...

in other people's business?

Cause Jack said that people who love each other...

should be together and Jimi loves Jack.

He wants to live with us!

Don't you want that, mummy?

I don't want Jimi to go away.

Come here.

V, it's a stupid idea but we've got ourselves this far...

and we need to get out of this, please help us out.

So now you're marrying him, right?

That's why we're here.

To help me enjoy my last night in freedom,

but I am going to try to arrange something...

so I don't end up marrying him.

What, like there's a fire?

Yeah.

Hey, that's it!

Yeah!

The fire alarm goes off, everybody panics,

the wedding is off!

Stupid!

No, I'm a genius!

Anyway, listen, I'll need a favor.

Go on.

I need to learn how to dance.

By tomorrow.

Yeah, apparently there's a dance it's a tradition thing.

I know what we can do.

What?

We can get drunk out there and then dance the night away...

ta Saturday Night Fever'.!

I'm sure you could pick up some moves, you know.

- Do you think that'll help? -It should be all right.

All right, couple rules to follow here, first,

don't walk too close to me.

Second, don't walk too close to me.

Very well.

Here we are.

This is the place to find sweet western titty.

Western titty?

Yeah, you know.

- Hello, Rav. -Hey, Tom. How you doing, mate?

Not too bad. So who's he?

Oh, this is um...Dirty Harry.

I want to see some western titty.

What about the other two.

Oh, this is a cousin of mine.

This is stag night. That's his best man.

All right then lads, have a good evening.

Ready?

Come on.

Thank you, huh?

Of all the places...

Hey boys-

Here you go.

Cheers.

Oh, check out the punani on show, man.

Punani, all my Diwali's have come up at once.

As long as you don't, eh?

They've got rules.

Come on.

Hey, Rheena.

Hey, Rav.

- Hey, Rav. -Hey, Mitch.

Hey, Ravi. Why is he giving her money?

For a dance.

A dance?

Do they do everything?

If you pay them enough, they'll pretty much...

do anything you like.

You get me?

Pretty much, anything?

I don't believe this.

You're at your stag night with your boyfriend...

and tomorrow you're marrying my auntie.

- Cheers. -Cheers.

I can't believe this.

Look they are so beautiful.

- You don't get this in India. -I know.

Oh, chill man, where are you going.

Ask me no questions.

Hello. I'm Harish bhai.

I'm from India.

Hello Hari.

Is twenty quid for a dance, if you want any more...

I'll see what I can do.

How about thirty to marry me?

Oh, you've got to be kidding.

I'm serious.

And I'm Charlemagne. If you're not buying then move over...

for someone who will.

I have 32 dollars and 75 pence, I'm buying.

That desperate, eh?

Go inside that room and I'll send someone in.

Thank you, huh?

Ahh!

Ahh!

Oh.

Come on, it's time.

Are you getting HP?

Jimi.

Oi!

Come on man.

Going to be late, it's your wedding day!

Shit!

V, come on!

Just a minute!

Will you shut that bloody thing off!

Come on, Marlene!

The dress!

- Hello! -Daadi ji!

What clothes is she wearing?

- Ooh, I'm sorry I'm late. -Oh, ho!

There is a little ceremony we must do...

before something good happens in the house.

Now this is a coconut, this is a little lamb...

and these are sweets to bribe God.

These days even God doesn't do anything...

unless there is something in it for him.

Hurry up and change your clothes for the ceremony.

She's come in her strange clothes.

Come.

Feed the cow.

Neesaa.

It's Vanessa.

Ha Vaneesaa!

Never mind!

It's traditional for the bride to dance...

with the sisters for the wedding.

I haven't got any sisters.

And I haven't got what anyone might...

reasonably describe as natural rhythm.

But you have to, it's part of the ceremony.

Come on now.

How about I shuffle and you dance near me.

Everything okay, V?

Oh, wonderful Jack, they want me to dance.

You'll love it.

Hey, so this is where the groom be hiding, hey?

Hey man, we're not nervous are we?

Mind you, with your bride, I'd be shitting myself.

Ravi, why don't you go and practice your...

non-existent charm on Simran?

You know what?

I think I will.

Well, that was fun.

Fun? Oh, that was really fun, it was a bloody theme park!

Please tell me it's all over.

The wedding will only be complete when you...

and Jimi have walked around a holy fire seven times.

- Seven times? -Yes.

It's the union of two souls coming together.

Seven vows to commit to each other through life till death...

and the ceremony will take place this evening.

Great.

Vaneesa, all we want is for you and Jimi to be happy.

Tell the ladies to start the singing now.

What is it with all this singing?

Who the fuck knows?

I think they're just taking the piss out of us.

It's times like this I really wish I tried harder at school!

- And where is Jimi? -l'll go get him.

Is this it?

This is it.

Hey, Simran is here. Take care, man.

Hey, Simran.

Take your time man, not like you're getting married today.

Yeah, I know, I know. I'm sorry, okay?

All right, Ravi.

Hey Jack, check you out, you look more Indian than me.

- Vanessa here yet? - Yeah, she's upstairs.

She looks a vision. Not a good one, right?

But at least I don't have to see her naked, eh?

I'll go check on her.

Holy shit Vanessa.

Please Jack, tell me about it.

You look like a Christmas Tree.

Yeah, well it's because of you.

Does that stay in there?

If I'm expected to marry your beloved I'm going to need...

a bit of Russian courage.

This bad boy's not leaving my side.

Oh honey, I'm so sorry I'm late.

So, so sorry.

Let me get my bearings.

Let's go over the plan once more,

just so I get this right.

I set off the alarm when the fire stuff starts right?

What plan?

She said that...

We're here now, don't put any ideas in me head.

Let's just get on with it, it could be fine.

Jack, why don't you go make Marlene a cup of coffee.

- Sober her up. -No problem.

Not in front of Jack. We go ahead as planned.

Sure thing, boss.

- Can I ask you something? -Anything.

Is it me or do you think they really like me?

I mean all the attention and the touching and stuff,

I've never had anybody care so much and Hannah's really happy here.

Is it all just show or do they really like me?

I know what you mean, you know.

They think that Jimi loves you and Hannah's his kid,

even though they don't completely approve of it.

But that takes something, man... and I think he's great.

You can see how much they love him in it.

I guess I understand a little why Jimi didn't want to upset them...

about him and Jack, you know.

Wish my parents had been that understanding.

Don't we all.

When two people fall in love to take these vows, to be together for life,

each circle that they take around the fire signifies that.

Why aren't Jimi and Jack taking the vows?

I don't believe this, this is impossible.

Has a child.

How could he do this!

Wait till I get my hands on that bloody fool.

Jimi hasn't got a child, have you people gone mad!

We never thought Jimi would do this to us.

He was a good boy.

You're supposed to be getting married in two days time.

If this is what makes you happy.

Did Jimi look happy to you?

You told them, the worst part's over.

Told us what?

Let me introduce Jimi's best man, Jack.

Leave Jack out of this.

I don't have long to live, I don't know when my health...

will give up on me.

Why aren't Jimi and Jack taking the vows?

Stop the wedding please, Pandit ji!

Have you gone mad?

Jimi, this fire signifies the union of two souls,

it's about truth, it's about asking for God's blessings...

for the unity of two lovers.

Are you marrying the person you love?

Jimi, are you marrying the person you love?

No.

Is the person you love here in this room?

Then why all this?

I have always wanted to do good by you,

to make you happy, for you to be proud of me.

When you wanted me to be a doctor I studied for it.

But when and how I fell in love I do not know.

What I know is I love Jack more than life itself.

But for you I could even sacrifice that.

Son, you're my flesh and blood.

I seek your happiness, not your sacrifice.

I know.

I love you all.

But if this holy fire represents truth,

then the truth is I belong with Jack.

Son, we love you, we want the best for you...

and nothing can or will change that.

Oh my God, what's happening?