Original subtitles

ASTERIX & THE MIDDLE KINGDOM

The year is 50 BC.

All of Gaul is under Roman occupation.

All of it?

No!

One village of indomitable Gauls

keeps up the good fight against the invader.

And life is not easy for the Roman legionaries

in their camps at Totorum, Aquarium, Laudanum and Compendium.

What I love in life

Is wandering day and night

In the forest what's really fun

Is going for a wander with my chum

It rhymes.

Obelix, our lifestyle isn't healthy.

Too much meat.

- Too much meat? - Sure.

Wild boar for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Supper, too!

Not to mention ale.

It can't be good for us.

What else is there to eat?

I don't know. We could try balancing it out with...

vegetables.

Veg...

Vegetables?

You make me laugh, Asterix.

Hear him, Dogmatix?

Imagine chewing a stick of celery, not a bone!

Vegetables!

You can laugh.

I honestly don't see the point of ruining our health.

Same with the magic potion.

Could be, it's bad for our systems.

Where's the data, honestly? Where?

Above all, do we really need it?

You okay?

No, I'm not okay.

I'm just saying, throwing in a mixed salad, mushrooms...

Chestnuts! When they're in season, obviously.

You snagged one already. Leave the poor things alone.

Peek-a-boo, loopy loolas!

Ave!

Sorry, we're lost. Who knew we're so near the village?

Me. I kept telling you.

- Didn't. - Did.

And you said, "To hell with the Gauls!

"They get up my nose.

"They can shove their menhirs."

I'm a terrible liar.

Leave this to me.

I'll show you I don't need this.

Strength is here.

And here.

Take a seat, sit tight and enjoy the show.

Hello.

Stupid helmet! I blame the helmet.

You plan to step in?

No, not allowed.

Help me, silly!

Harder!

Not fair!

Cheat!

Not at all. Without it, same result.

You don't have to.

I do.

Where is everyone?

It's hardly fresh.

- And you are? - What?

No, nothing.

Getafix, he won't let me smoke my boar in the house.

Just because Mr Asterix has decided to quit

doesn't mean I have to.

Panacea!

Panacea!

Morning, girls.

- Coming to the market? - Yes!

Hi, Panacea.

Hi, Obelix.

I just wanted to say...

I carved this menhir thinking of you. It's a gift.

Sweet, but what use is it to me?

See you.

She refused it.

She refused my menhir.

Obviously. It weighs a ton.

What use is it? Put it on her finger?

Getafix, your sickle.

Thanks, Fulliautomatix.

Slow down.

Say...

Asterix has the right to change his diet.

Not everyone else's.

Getafix, what's wrong?

I'm sinking.

You're sinking?

It must be quicksand.

There is no quicksand in the region.

If you ask me, someone needs to know.

Chariot ahoy!

Chariot ahoy!

Excuse me.

Some nights, my voice just wants to scream

Shut it, will you!

For once, I had a customer.

For once, you have fresh fish!

What? My fish isn't fresh?

I'll take a look.

For Louise and Marcel

Hold still.

Bankruptis, already here? It's not autumn.

You were hit?

- Where's your uncle? - Quiet, for goodness' sake!

My friends, how are you?

I come from China to ask for help.

It's nuts!

Why are you blond?

I was going to say.

I'm a Gaul, all right? Always have been.

Please... No slip-ups.

No slip-ups, I'm begging you.

I'll explain. Come on.

That one...

The beautiful girl fast asleep

is a princess.

Named Sa See. Daughter of the Empress of China.

You do know where China is?

- Two princesses! - Actually, no.

That's her bodyguard. Miss Tik.

Believe me, she's insane. Smashed everyone on the way.

She smashed Scythians, smashed Parthians, smashed Huns!

A beautiful woman.

A female bodyguard? Don't make me laugh!

Go ahead, laugh.

Share with us your Alpha male experience.

Alpha male, just try to touch her.

- Be my guest. - All right.

There you go!

You drank potion?

No.

I don't get it.

I get what's going on.

And you'd better stop right now.

Princess and I are more than friends, see?

- You are? - We are.

Princess...

We have arrived.

What is all this?

- It's the chief! - Run!

Vitalstatistix is chief of all us Gauls.

Glad to see you, by Toutatis!

Where's your Uncle Ekonomikrisis? His silk scarves are too small.

Really?

He said they'd loosen up. I look loose?

- No. - He's a crook!

He sent me. Let me explain.

Allow me to introduce Princess Sa See,

daughter of the Empress of China.

Who's she?

- Thanks, Bankruptis. - You're welcome.

Great Chief Vitalstatistix, let me explain the reasons for my visit.

Getafix, is China far?

Yes, it's where the sun rises. That way.

Since the Princess's story could be very, very long,

and not devoid of emotion,

allow me to give you a potted version.

The Princess lives with her mother, the Empress,

who reigns with difficulty, since her husband's death,

over her nation's six kingdoms.

Beloved by her people, the Empress is confronted by ambitious princes,

who secretly covet her throne.

The trouble began on the birthday of Princess Sa See,

whom you met in the village.

So this is a flashback.

Another vase?

Each year, same deal. Who's interested in Chinese vases?

I'm 20 today, and never left this palace. Just gardens and guards!

Sa See, for your security, you know...

Father promised to take me to Lutetia. Its shops, its taverns...

I want to see Gaul.

We discussed this. It's dangerous to travel so far.

The answer is no.

Here, open this one.

It's a coin with your head on it. Newly minted.

To buy a dress in Lutetia?

Sa See!

Prince Deng Tsin Quin...

I hear you raised taxes again in your kingdom,

while your people endures famine.

If I may, Your Majesty,

Julius Caesar levied taxes across the Roman world, and it works!

No pain, no pleasure, as they say back home.

Who is he?

Pu Nee, my new strategic advisor.

In Rome, he wielded power and influence.

Put the Chinese people before bad Roman advice.

Naturally, Your Imperial Majesty.

Before I leave,

have you considered my marriage proposal?

I spoke with Princess Sa See.

And?

It made us laugh.

Make a woman laugh and...

Sorry.

If it made Your Majesty and her daughter laugh,

then so be it.

Miss Tik...

My faithful warrior,

fetch my daughter.

This is China.

The Chinese love all things Gaul, so we're Gauls. Simple.

For a Phoenecian, it's humiliating, Ekonomikrisis.

Ekonomikrisix!

Get it into your head!

You guys are Premix and Overmix.

We are Gauls.

Gotix?

As usual, we make all the efforts.

Only you?

Laugh?

You're laughing?

Am I laughing about going blond?

Grab those papyri and hit the streets. Move!

Go, yalla! I mean, let's go.

Put those helmets on! There!

Let's go!

China is ours!

No snooping.

You need help?

Touch it, buy it. Golden rule.

They're genuine Louboutix?

"They're genuine Louboutix?"

Of course they are. Look at the sole!

As red as the price tag. If you can't afford them, try Diskountos.

Give my stall some space. Scram!

You nincompoop!

Sorry, Her Majesty.

Sorry for my nephew.

He has his mother's temper.

True, everybody says so.

Of course, for you, sandals are on the house.

I'll take them out of his wages.

- That hurt. - Yup. Your fault.

Ekonomikrisix, at your service.

No one shakes hands here.

- No one. - Not one.

A most regrettable mistake, Princess.

Gorgeous.

Bankruptix, the nephew.

I have my mother's temper.

As well as...

her eyes.

I envy you your blond hair.

I had no choice, Princess. I was born this way.

Nature decided for me.

Your Imperial Majesty,

if you'd care to forgive us and taste our famous nectar from Gaul,

the honour's all ours.

Come in.

A great vintage.

To celebrate the great and majestic empress.

On the nose, fruity notes.

There's sunshine.

There's pine and shade.

I'm getting hints of chestnut.

Bananas.

And dates.

Overall, more fruit salad than wine.

I want Gaul of it

I'll take the lot.

Perfumes from Gaul?

But of course, Princess.

All our perfumes come from Gaul.

Like me and my sales team.

This is the latest creation

that every Gaul lady would die for.

Amphor.

Amphor?

I adore!

I adore, too.

Archers! Loose!

Watch out!

Sa See, are you hurt?

No, mother, I'm fine.

Anything broken?

No, I'm fine.

I meant the stock.

Nice.

Hey, Empress!

Come out, hands up!

And no one will get hurt.

You're encircled.

And slanted!

You said "encircled", like eyes with makeup.

And I added "And..."

There's another exit?

Yes. My secret passage.

In case customs raid...

I mean, in case of fire.

It's the fire escape.

Miss Tik, take my daughter and go.

No, mother. Flee with us.

The Empress of China does not flee. Go!

The traitor wants you.

Let's go.

- Bye, Princess. - Stop it!

I'll stay. A good merchant never abandons his merchandise.

Like a ship's captain.

Go home and fetch the others.

What? Uncle Mahmood?

No! Our other home.

- That home? - That home!

It's miles away!

So get going!

No, wait!

Take good care of the princess.

We are not losing this sale.

Just imagine. You're saving the Princess of China.

I'll work it out later.

Take care, unc!

I trained in Phoenician boxing.

Leave this to me.

So you guys are harassing the ladies?

I went in there and...

What happened?

You got kicked in the head.

All right, I get it now.

So who's laughing now, Empress?

Excuse me a second, who are you?

I don't get any of this. I'm confused, totally lost.

- Well? - The Princess has vanished.

If she's hiding, she's a smart cookie!

A shifty little fish!

Scour the kingdom!

Offer a handsome reward!

I want her alive at our magnificent forced marriage!

I know my daughter.

She'll come for revenge.

Scary! A spoilt little girl who never left home.

- That's my wife you're talking about. - Sorry.

I'm sorry too. I'm so confused, totally lost!

I'll have you beheaded, Empress.

No, there'll be no beheading. It's rude, sir.

Yes, Deng Tsin Quin, you can't kill the Empress.

What?

It's tricky. The other 4 kingdoms' princes hate you.

They claim you're not Emperor material.

They say you are "physically unbecoming with a tiny..."

- Nonsense. - No, army!

A tiny army. The tiniest of all of them.

In combat, it's hopeless.

Your impudence suggests you have a plan.

Naturally.

My idea...

Take them away! Let's go!

Take it easy!

Easy! Mind the Empress and my wares.

China is ours!

Princess, it'll be fine.

I'm here for you.

I'm here.

Don't worry. We'll help you.

Everyone knows that we Gauls just love to help.

No!

Not a chance.

Was it just me or did her story drag on?

By Benelos, how come folks always come asking us for help?

Vitalstatistix,

it's a tradition

for us to help those in need.

Not forgetting Bankrup...

Tis.

Bankruptix.

The answer's no. There!

It's often been yes.

But it's no.

I'm not feeling it.

China's unknown to us.

We don't know where it is.

Sure we do.

Even I know.

It's the way where the sun rises.

Stumped him.

I don't know and I decide.

Great Chief, I respect your decision.

I depart to save my mother and country.

Princess!

I'm up for it.

And anyway, I'm free right now.

I'm free too.

I want to go too.

You two! Who's in the chair?

You're chief now?

Discussion over. It's no.

Are you out of your mind?

Some village chief!

Ignoring a damsel's tears.

- Mimenta... - Don't Mimenta me!

- Welcome our Chinese friends! - Yup.

You and your Gaul!

All because it's too far?

As if you'd be going!

No, it's Asterix and Obelix, as usual.

If some idiot writes our history one day,

the title will never be The Adventures of Vitalstatistix the Gaul.

Dogmatix travels more than you.

Hear that, Dogmatix?

Stones fired!

Magic potion for the boys in the village, you're in.

But anything more delicate, you're out?

All right, go.

Thank you. Heartfelt thanks.

So you're starting on a journey

So we're parting tonight

My heart has turned to...

jelly

Meanwhile, in the eternal, beautifully irrigated city of Rome,

Julius Caesar, in his magnificent palace,

lives in domestic bliss with the powerful Queen of Egypt,

sublime, dulcet Cleopatra.

I've had it up to here!

Know what? I've had it up to here!

May I ask what you're doing?

Packing my trunks and heading home.

Why didn't I listen to Mummy?

Now it's over, I can tell you. There's another man.

What do you mean?

You can't be serious.

What do you mean, another man?

What is this? Infidelitatis?

Nailed it.

And...

May I ask for whom you leave mighty Caesar?

Tabascos!

Tabascos?

The Greek?

Tabascos the Greek!

So you'd leave mighty Caesar

to shack up with a gym teacher?

Well, we'll discuss this after the lions.

I forbid you to harm him.

I love him, you hear?

You love him?

You love him?

What's he got that I don't?

He's an international gymnast.

Outside Rome and Gaul, you're a complete unknown.

A complete unknown? Julius Caesar?

Fine. You have international ambitions? Go with your athlete.

Let the Greek tsat your ziki!

May I, O Caesar?

Minor marital contretemps. All settled.

Speak, Slius Foxxus, devious and unsightly advisor of mine.

Ave, Caesar!

Your perspicacity captures me perfectly.

May I introduce Pu Nee,

envoy of Prince Deng Tsin Quin, the new master of China.

How does an empire so big have an advisor so small?

Size doesn't matter, skill does, Caesar.

Some men have neither.

She's a looker.

Well, half-pint?

I come to offer you the riches of my adopted land

in return for modest military support.

Your land? Even great Alexander abandoned the conquest of China.

A great opportunity to expand my empire. Your empire, O Caesar!

I have conquered enough.

My name will go down in the annals of history.

I love when you say that. Love it!

What a way with words. Right?

Biopix, my Gallician biographer.

How inspiring is the fabulous tale of almighty Caesar!

Vade retro, both of you.

Caesar, may I point out,

in terms of going down in history,

in China, you are unknown.

What was I saying?

That's quite enough!

I, Julius Caesar, man of a thousand conquests?

Unknown?

Alas!

He speaks the truth.

In China, at least.

It's all good, don't worry.

Pu Nee, step forward to discuss our alliance

with your land

that will soon know my name!

Explain clearly. Be sure not to toss Caesar a salad.

I swapped your clunker for something tougher.

That's what I call a chariot. Unbeatable! On loan from cousin Turbo.

I added boar stomachs.

A kind of air cushion to absorb shocks.

The sunroof!

You know what?

I made a perfect chariot.

Magnificent.

Let's go!

Princess, if you'd care to board.

Too bad.

We'll have a great trip.

Asterix, I made you a flask of magic potion,

but Obelix tells me you don't need it, so I...

No, that's fine.

But just in case.

I'm cutting down.

Watch out, I beefed it up.

You had some?

No, just a quick taste.

Just to see.

Good luck, Princess.

As for you two,

be brave, reckless

and disingenuous. In a word...

Be Gauls!

Hold on tight.

It'll be much faster than on the way here.

Sorry but can I just point out,

the bard's role is to celebrate heroes and their exploits?

If I never travel, what am I?

Excellent idea.

Cacophonix will go with...

They forgot me.

They forgot me!

And so, at high speed, our friends head south,

favouring the maritime route that, according to Getafix,

is faster than the Silk Road.

Having rowed across the Mediterranean,

thanks to Obelix,

they reach northern Africa.

Rub and wring.

Miss Tik, I asked to learn kung fu.

Rub...

and wring.

No, not again.

All good? Enjoying the show?

Want a beer? A chair? Coming right up.

Not coming up! What are you doing?

Same as you.

She knows you peep?

I might tell her.

Sublime!

She's learning to do laundry

to prepare for her new, tougher life in Gaul with me.

A Chinese princess in Gaul? With those hicks?

Don't make me laugh.

When I say Sa See and I are together, you turn deaf?

- You're not together. - We are together. Six months now.

Really?

No way!

My friends, once and for all,

Sa See and I are serious. It's love. And marriage.

- Congrats, Bankruptis. - Thank you.

I love weddings. Love them.

- With a banquet? - Of course.

Know what? You'll be my best man.

Thank you. I was never anyone's best man.

Can you stop being so gullible?

It gets annoying.

- If they're in love, don't blame me. - Yup.

They're not in love.

If Sa See isn't with anyone, she's with no one.

It's on.

I can't wait to see her face when I tell her...

You're a phony Gaul and fake blonde.

Yeah? Well, I can't wait to see her face when I tell her your moustache...

What about it?

Your moustache...

sucks.

So lame.

I went too far.

Not the moustache!

I know but he pushes me.

Sure but not the moustache!

What's he doing?

Unbelievable! He's snitching on us!

He's something else, your friend!

She's coming our way.

What's up?

Nothing. We're just looking for a date.

For the wedding.

No, to eat. The fruit!

At the wedding.

No, to eat here.

I'm the best man!

He's impossible. He talks nonsense.

Yes, let's go.

Is it so hard to let me do the talking?

'Night, Smartypants!

'Night, Two-Faced Friend!

'Night, Veggie Lover!

Veggies are yummy. So yummy!

'Night, Fake Blonde!

Can't you just say goodnight?

It was him.

'Night, Miss Tik.

You think Mother's still alive?

The Empress is the daughter of the heavens.

No harm can come to her.

'Night, I'm In Love and can't admit it!

'Night, Poppycock who's so fat that he's all belly!

'Night, Lonesome Gaul, so alone like a tiny insect!

Enough!

Yes.

Sorry.

Hello, how are you?

Good trip?

Your daughter's vanished. We looked too long in a land too big.

Hello perhaps? There's two of us.

When military support arrives, off with your head.

I remember now. You're the guy who loves beheading folks.

You too, merchant.

No, leave me out of this. We really need to...

Balls for you!

Day one.

When no balls are left, if the princess won't show,

you two...

We have two lives.

The second begins when we see we have only one.

I thank you.

That's what I call an Empress.

Love it.

We have two lives and it ends when...

The second life begins with...

We have two lives and when they begin...

I thank you.

Meanwhile,

Caesar, his immense army and Pu Nee

travel the Silk Road, headed at top speed for China.

Or almost.

This is the Silk Road?

We're lost, aren't we? Just admit it.

Woopsus, what is this route?

At least 9,000 men struck northwards.

I can't work like this.

It's just impossible!

Join the army, they said!

Woopsus, your call, left or right?

Easy-peasy papyrus, Caesar. Left.

So we'll go right.

Sorry, will this go on long? Left-right, right-left...

We'll reach China on the 12th of Never.

The upstart!

Hail! Risklus, imperial security.

Risklus, imperial security.

Risklus! Everyone knows you here. Where is Antivirus?

Still on the campaign in Milan.

He's not reading my pigeons.

Caesar, I'm here.

- It's not the same. - Not at all the same.

What do you want?

Almighty Caesar, Carioca, head dancer, wants an audience.

She has demands. For respect or something.

I beat her?

Are you nuts?

Show her in.

Tapioca!

So, Carioca, what do you want?

Caesar, we received new outfits and what do we see?

Shorter than ever. What a surprise!

If you want go-go taverns, Rome is full of them.

I'm sure I have no idea.

Sure! The Palladium near the market.

Or there's Sternum, or Scrotum.

Right...

So, what do you want? Longer outfits for your dancers?

It's a start.

And let's talk about the role of women in Roman society.

Look closely and it's all about men here.

Gladiators? Men.

Senators? Men only.

Legionaries? Men only.

Caesars? Men only.

You want a Julia Caesar?

You want Rome run by a woman?

I see.

Back to our friends.

After crossing the Egyptian desert in sweltering heat,

they reach the Red Sea and the city of Klysma,

a small Egyptian port, later known as Suez.

Yes, like the canal.

If we want a captain, I guarantee we'll find one here.

Look, Asterix, the tavern's called Little Lutetia.

Dare to come and cast the first stone

To fall for one head over heels

leaves a wound that never heals

But the love you feel is the real deal

So don't be harsh or disapprove

When a woman falls in love

- You don't know it. - I know it by heart.

With a man who sweeps her off her feet

See? That's Gaul for you!

I love this place.

Exactly how I pictured Lutetia.

Same here.

That's so good! You're a Gaul for sure.

Yes, duckie. Born and bred.

- You've lived here long? - Donkey's years.

I had a small cabaret in Lutetia.

A hotspot, raking it in, but I fell for a fella,

a lowlife who wanted me as his floozy.

And to clean me out!

So who took her dosh and hightailed it here?

Yours truly. Tipsy, that's me!

What brings you blondies here?

Looking for the best ship's captain.

He's your man. Titanix!

He's reliable?

Titanix is top-notch. Unsinkable!

Thanks for your help, Tipsy.

Anything for a Gaul!

Normally, mutts stay outside.

But you're a real cutie.

We're looking for a boat to China.

China by sea? Too much hassle.

Here's what I got for you...

A quick visit of the coves of Klysma,

all-you-can-eat and swimming, plus the sunset.

Tasty.

Another time.

This is worth more than your boat.

Why didn't you say so?

So how's it...

You think I'll stand by and let you extort me?

Get out before I get out my cudgel!

Tipsy's steaming up. Trouble ahoy.

A problem, Tipsy?

These gents want to dip into my pockets.

They'll get a dose of their own medicine. Nobody messes with Tipsy.

Lightweights! Fooling with a Gaul.

What do you want with the lady?

You're the lightweight.

Screwy.

Princess, in Gaul,

when heavyweights run their mouths off,

flyweights don't listen.

He's a lizard!

What is this?

A very, very strong batch. He overdid it.

Give me a drop. No one will know.

No chance.

One's yours. Take your pick.

The big guy, I guess.

Gentlemen...

I'm not allowed it ever since I fell in as a kid.

So it will hurt less.

Imagine a mini-amphora with two wings painted on it,

containing a drop of magic potion.

A kind of pick-me-up.

We market it as an invigorating drink...

I'll come up with a name for it.

In Rome, with all the orgies and kids dancing through the night,

we'll make a killing.

Count me in. I'll handle transport.

What's that?

It's tai chi.

An ancestral technique to boost the body's energy.

It's crazy, us meeting now.

My new lifestyle's so in step with your culture.

Balance, nutrition, energies, everything!

The two of us are so connected.

- Done? - Meditation.

Great!

No talking!

It's a fine coin.

That's you?

Yes. A gift from my mother.

That's real love.

When I received it,

I didn't smile.

Don't worry, Princess.

I'll rescue your mother.

I'm here for you.

Quick correction, sorry.

We are here for you.

Some of us were here for you from the start of the adventure.

Excuse me.

Princess...

What are you doing?

That was 2 balls!

Put 1 back. That was 2 balls!

Put 1 back. Don't screw me on the balls.

It's extra jailtime for me.

By the way, did you think over...

my offer?

Playing hard to get.

I'm used to tough negotiations, though.

- Ekonomikrisis... - Yes?

If we get out one day,

would you like to keep trading in China?

- Sure. - So shut up.

They put us together to torture me.

Let's not exaggerate.

Perhaps it's...

destiny bringing us together.

Maktub, as they say back home.

You're very beautiful in a temper.

Gents!

Here, on the Red Sea, no more fatal encounters!

Who are the predators here?

- We are! - Bang on!

Ship ahoy!

Thanks, lookout!

Just doing my job!

No lavish ship will escape us.

We sleep tonight in silk!

The Gauls?

It's the Gauls!

Peek-a-boo!

Hi, guys!

Not the Gauls!

Why us?

There are other ships.

Morning, could you pretend not to see us?

But we have seen you.

That's fair.

Prepare our defences!

Let's go!

Freshly painted too!

Watch out now!

Don't think I enjoy it.

No, wait.

Watch some Chinese fighting.

What now, skipper?

I'm not feeling it.

Let's go anyway. Attack!

No, go back!

Michel, go on!

That's gotta hurt.

That's too many feet!

Let me through.

Sorry, skipper.

Where you going?

Going out like a prince.

Behind you!

Cool it, crazywoman!

Comrades,

official reason for us sinking,

we ran into a Chinese tornado.

May I?

Yes.

Beautiful.

I wanted to say,

you fight fabulously.

Thank you.

How come you never use the potion?

I'm not allowed to.

Dangerous, apparently. One shot too many.

I'd love to feel that kick just one more time.

Obelix?

Mummy!

The feeling is extraordinary.

Fizzing through your head and body. A bit like...

falling in love, so I hear.

Having found their way again at last,

Caesar and his powerful army

cross Persia, the mountains of India,

the Mongolian steppes,

and finally reach the gates of China,

where the formidable Deng Tsin Quin

is perfecting his dastardly plan

to conquer all six kingdoms.

Ave!

This is the war?

Prince Deng Tsin Quin,

allow me to introduce...

Julius Caesar himself. Impressive, I know, but deep breaths

and everything will be fine.

So where are these rebels you can't keep in check?

War's a full-time job. Good idea to call in the professionals.

Aren't you overthinking it?

No, simply following Sun Tzu,

the greatest Chinese strategist,

who wrote The Art of War.

The Fart is Raw?

Anyway, shrimps, keep those eyes open. We'll make short work of this.

All right...

- If you want peace... - Prepare for war.

Exactly!

He's hard work.

A maniac.

Mega-pretentious, too. First decan cancer. The pits.

I had no idea. I need sleep. Chariot-lag.

Biopix, new chapter.

After Caesar the Seducer,

Caesar the Strategist.

Hold on, change of scroll and I'm all yours.

- Helmet! - Hoofus!

Sword!

What on earth?

- Last time you cut yourself... - Enough!

Any news of Antivirus?

He's here and ready, almighty Caesar.

All right, let's go!

All together!

- Goose bumps. - Same here.

Antivirus, I love you!

Antivirus, don't go losing your cool.

Cut the pushing. It hurts.

You wanted Antivirus,

I gave you Antivirus.

Now go back to your chariot races.

Why talk when you can fly.

A walk in the park!

In a few days,

I shall be master of China.

I almost envy you, getting a first taste of Rome's power.

Veni, vidi, vici.

Caesar, you spoil me.

I've got it word for word.

- Awkward. This is for dinner? - Yes.

- No sense of hospitality. - No.

And Antivirus? Not here?

He's sleeping.

Sleeping?

I'm here, Caesar.

- Yes, but it's not the same. - Not at all.

You have one last kingdom to conquer.

The trickiest.

Our victories echo around the land.

And the Ku Koos never give up.

Fine. Let's see who's the biggest Ku Koo.

Not laughing. King So Ku Koo passed this winter.

His son and heir, Prince of Ku Koo, is 20

and wears a mask to hide a terrible malformation.

The man in the bamboo mask.

A death

and taking a drubbing from Caesar. Bad year for the Ku Koos.

By the way...

you seem a bit cuckoo.

No, I'm a Quin. No relation.

I mean...

you're totally cuckoo, right?

Why would you want my help in ousting you from your own kingdom?

What do you stand to gain,

Deng Tsin Quin?

You plan to give me a Caesarian

after I conquer all the kingdoms?

No.

I'd never do that.

Really?

I would.

At the drop of a hat!

Good one!

Tell me, O Caesar,

did you know that Queen Cleopatra

is highly respected in China?

That's true.

She's done so much for the conservation of pandas that...

What's she like in real life? Cool?

Home at last.

Can you smell the bamboo, eucalyptus and ginger?

Don't bother. They have no idea.

I smell them, though.

What sweet scent!

Titanix,

you'll head straight back to Egypt?

No, straight on till I'm back where I started,

to prove the earth's round.

Didn't I promise you'd be back?

Miss Tik, how will we find your master here?

He will find us.

- What was the message? - Nothing.

The bald guy's a friend?

Why not tell me if it's nothing?

Master Sill Lee will come to the inn where we're staying.

Why all the mystery?

I've lost my appetite now!

He's never like that.

Could be the fatigue, time difference and culture shock.

Can we talk honestly?

We're hardly bosom buddies. I hate you, and it feels mutual.

But it's really tense between you two.

The tension's getting to us all.

- It is? - Yes.

I have an idea for you both

and honestly it will do you the world of good.

Obelix, we need to talk.

I'm all ears.

You've noticed the Princess and I have a real good thing going?

For sure.

I think it would be simpler...

if she moved to our village.

All right.

You and I are...

We've lived together for ages.

We never said it was for life.

Seeing as, originally,

it was my parents' hut...

You'd like me to move out?

Yes.

What a relief!

I want to move out and had no idea how to tell you.

Really?

I'm in love, too.

You're in love?

Beautiful Miss Tik.

Miss Tik?

Our Miss Tik?

Seriously?

What's so funny?

I'm just surprised.

By me falling in love?

Come on, Oby...

Don't Oby me.

No more Oby!

What's funny?

I've no right to love?

No rights at all!

Nonsense! It's all about you.

It is not!

It is!

No magic potion for Obelix.

No love for Obelix!

Poor Obelix! He can't have any magic potion.

Poor Obelix!

Now I'm not allowed

to roast my wild boar in my own hut!

Sorry, not my hut. Asterix's parents' hut!

Correct!

And he wants me to eat fruit and veg!

Why should we eat fruit and veg?

For your sake!

Your health!

Don't say the word! Don't say it!

Because you're fat!

I am curvaceous!

But at least I'm...

strong.

There we go. Thank you!

You think it's easy always being weaker?

Dependent on a flask!

Serves you right!

There, I said it!

Needles work well. Release tensions.

Speak freely.

- Romans! - No, Obelix.

What now?

We protect the princess's identity.

What brings Caesar to China?

The traitor Deng Tsin Quin has sold us out.

News flash!

People of China,

Prince Deng Tsin Quin and Julius Caesar

are delighted to announce the public execution

of the ex-Empress.

Beheading will take place in seven days at sunset.

Fries will be stirred. Book early to avoid disappointment.

Nobody told me.

By papyrus? You're not in the group?

I never am!

I am Princess Sa See!

Nobody harms the daughter of the heavens,

her majesty the Empress, my mother!

Arrest her!

Hey, doggie.

Bring it on.

Anyone who touches a single hair of my future wife

must prepare for a world of pain.

I said that?

Hold on, timeout. Pause it.

Just a second, I'll be right back.

You're kidding me.

You good?

We can start?

Toilet break.

Sure.

Not buying it.

Wring!

How about that.

The acupuncturist prescribed me two days' rest.

For what we get paid...

Act like we never met?

We never met.

Say, he just flew off my fist.

Yeah, I saw that.

Let's face it, no one beats you.

What's this?

Insane! So tight.

Come on, Princess, it's not safe.

"Come on, Princess, it's not safe."

A problem?

Maybe.

Potion's worn off?

Maybe. Try me, you'll see.

We'll talk later.

Ready when you are.

Halt!

THE ORIGINAL 2CV

SOAPS by CLEO

Who whistled?

I go off to war.

I risk my life and nothing from her.

No messages, no news.

No papyrus, no pigeons.

Time to snap out of it!

We were the intrepid, conquering hero.

We've gone a bit flat.

He's right.

You messaged her?

No, we said no messages. We play it cool.

We do nothing. Let her stew like beef.

Butt out, cupcake!

Come again, sentry?

Risklus! An aquarium, with water on the brain!

Two-bit Antivirus! You're not fit to shine his sandals.

Shut your trap!

Who wears the toga at home?

Who's the boss?

I am.

Anyone hear that?

Who's the boss?

- I am. - There you are!

You're back. Julius Caesar!

Our champion! Number one!

The only message is,

"Take your trunks and stuff, and go home to Egypt!

"Walking straight or sideways, whatever, just go!"

You're right. Scribe!

Better!

I want my palace in Rome empty of sarcophagi and bandages.

As of today, you know who wears the toga at home.

Ave, me!

There, that's big-time Caesar. Masterful!

The Queen of Egypt?

Queen of Nitwits more like!

They're not singing anymore...

They're not singing, the Egyptians!

- Send. - Yes!

Pigeon!

A bunny!

It's a bunny.

Scary!

A raccoon!

A goat!

A billy goat.

Come on, sweetie, let's go.

From Cleopatra.

Already?

Read it.

Don't understand a word.

I don't understand.

"I wanted to apologise.

"For my behaviour.

"I went too far."

For sure.

"Four months apart and I dream of us being reunited.

"Waiting for you in Rome. Come back soon.

"Your loving Cleo."

Stop the pigeon!

Cancel the pigeon!

- Fast! - We can't cancel it.

Sent is sent.

I beat him?

Everybody out!

I said everybody.

Hungry? There's lots of fruit.

- Hands off. - What?

They're offerings.

Sorry. I didn't...

Hold on.

Move along. Have a good evening.

Good luck.

Just a beggar.

Master Sill Lee.

Sorry.

Profuse apologies, Mr Sill Lee. I thought...

Master Sill Lee is a hermit who devotes his life to meditation.

He took a vow of absolute poverty.

Bravo for the oath. That blows my mind.

It's beyond me.

In that case, allow me to relieve you of the money.

Try to take back your coin,

little grasshopper.

It's too easy. You're blind.

Never assume a man cannot see because he's...

You saw that coming?

There we are!

It was his game.

Leave him.

Little grasshopper!

Sir, over here.

You are as swift as a cobra.

Yup, Sill Lee.

Can we move on to important matters?

By Toutatis!

Deng Tsin Quin spreads terror across the whole country.

Do not touch.

Hard to resist.

I see

an old abandoned temple.

The temple in Xuan.

Her majesty the Empress is held prisoner.

After releasing her,

you must go with all speed

to the Ku Koos' palace,

before Caesar seizes the final kingdom.

You will encounter

the hideous...

the unsightly...

the monstrous crown prince,

Prince of Ku Koo,

the man in the bamboo mask.

Don't worry, it's fake.

Good luck!

We must go our separate ways.

Grand master,

are you done with the ball?

Yes.

Holy cow!

There you are. You broke it.

He said do not touch.

He's right.

I said do not touch!

Why'd you touch it?

Seen Princess Sa See? With two warriors...

Princess Sa See?

Seen her? With two superhuman foreign warriors.

And a dog.

You're waiting for an ale? Bring them in!

- Asterix! - What? Run!

- Asterix! - What?

Why are we running?

- So I don't have to fight. - Why?

No more potion with the Princess.

I'm sick of looking stupid.

Hurry! I bagged a rickshaw.

Come on!

Fast!

Faster!

He does this on purpose.

All right.

One more ball and it's curtains for us.

So, our last night...

I was thinking...

maybe as a memento...

Majesty!

Gave me a fright!

We'll get you out.

Who's that?

Stand back.

All good?

Sorry.

Rise.

Let's go.

Jump. We'll catch you.

What? Jump?

I can't leave right now!

Abandon a negotiation? Not my style!

In two balls, the guard caves.

Go ahead without me. I'll catch you up.

Are you sure?

Yes.

As you wish.

Take care.

And keep your head.

You're afraid for me.

You see, you're even more beautiful smiling than in a temper.

She's so impressive!

Thank you.

Mother!

What joy to see you again.

Alert!

Run!

They've escaped!

Which way now? Which way?

Wait.

Good. We lost them.

Friends from Gaul. Thanks for your help.

Our pleasure, Your Majesty.

Seeing as no one introduces me...

Bankruptis.

We already met at the market.

That's right.

Life's full of surprises.

Attention issues for the Empress.

Take the Gauls to the Ku Koos. Secure their support.

Meanwhile I'll rally our army and followers.

Miss Tik, come with me.

I shall honour you, Mother.

You'll be proud of me.

I'm already proud of you.

Let's go, Miss Tik.

This will end badly.

Miss Tik has fallen for Obelix.

Obelix, too.

I don't like all the falling-for in this adventure.

So let's go.

Obelix, come on.

- What's the wine made from? - Rice.

Refinement is not your strong suit.

Got a kick but not all bad.

It's relaxing.

Rice wine.

Maybe take a few amphorae for fight nights with Wifey.

You see...

At times like this...

I miss her.

What's with the music?

A full band?

Four and a singer.

- You take them everywhere? - Yes.

It's practical.

I always have my favourite music.

Know it?

Sure, obviously.

Now that's what I call music.

None of your ching-chong nonsense.

Amore!

What are you doing?

- I saw my wife. - I'm nobody's wife.

Know what?

Your libation brought back the urge.

I shall become the next Emperor of China.

Wow...

Mama Cleo will never get over it.

Tomorrow at dawn, we go full Ku Koo.

Slow down. Our exit's coming up.

Yes, next one.

Once more, thanks to Obelix,

our friends beat Caesar's army to the palace of Prince Ku Koo,

the man in the bamboo mask.

Keep up.

I am To Fu.

Advisor to the prince regent, Ku Koo.

Can you prove

you really are Princess Sa See?

I give my word. I am the Empress's daughter.

Sadly, your word is not enough.

You could be a spy.

In the pay

of Deng Tsin Quin!

The coin!

Will you now bow before your Empress's daughter?

I apologise profusely, Princess Sa See.

We must be careful.

His Highness, the Prince...

of Ku Koo!

What the heck?

Don't turn your back. It's rude!

In his house.

Princess Sa See,

Prince of Ku Koo, with my men, at your service.

We support your mother, our Empress.

Thanks.

Sorry, I'm lost for...

All my fault. My cursed mane frightens you.

On the contrary, it suits you.

Nobody ever said that.

I never wanted to say it.

That's love at first look.

Whole weeks of work for nothing.

Back to the friend zone.

Let's go.

We have a country to save.

Gotta be cuckoo to build a palace in a hollow.

No way out.

Cornered by Caesar. It will be brief.

Here we go again.

Blah-blah time.

I am Princess Sa See.

Submit to the sole Empress of China.

Sa See darling,

we can marry at last.

Don't bet on it. You'll regret your acts, Deng Tsin Quin.

- She's no pushover. - Can't lie, sparks aren't flying.

I have a question for you.

How many?

Ten thousand.

Because we are 80,000-strong!

That's experience for you. Not boasting, I've never lost.

You're wonderful.

You miscounted, Princess.

Ten thousand plus two.

If you still need me.

Peek-a-boo, Julius!

It's us!

The crazies!

Not plus two.

Plus three!

The man in the bamboo mask.

Gross!

Poor guy's blond!

It's not too bad.

Not plus three. Plus four!

I'm the man

with feather feet!

What is this?

Why talk when you can run?

He didn't warm up. The chump!

- Did I say charge? - No.

Substitute!

Antivirus!

Asterix, I'll have a drop.

Not enough for 4.

"Not enough for 4!"

The cheats!

Won't help them.

Charge!

Yes?

Of course.

Help me.

Pipe down.

You've got gall.

Gall...

Gaul!

Can I join in?

Yeah, sure.

Archers!

Prepare!

Draw!

Loose!

Deng Tsin Quin, Emperor of China!

Arrows!

You can't be serious.

Don't judge me.

I feel it.

I feel it rising.

It's insane!

That's it?

No way! It's a joke.

I smell victory.

A particular scent?

Do readers care for such details?

It sets the scene.

The scent of laurels.

Excellent!

Thanks.

You're welcome.

We fell out but I can help out.

Sure.

I'm on your side.

Sure.

You'll always be my chum.

Sure.

Sorry, Obelix.

Stop!

Before I die...

I must tell you, Princess...

Look!

Just when all seems lost,

the Empress arrives,

followed by her army and entire people.

They are all there,

marching across the middle kingdom

to the scene of the final battle.

- What on earth is this? - Not sure.

Suddenly, I can't smell the laurels.

Pine boxes maybe.

I am Empress of China.

I order you to leave my empire forthwith.

Never!

She has a temper. Reminds me of someone.

Your Majesty!

Rather than ruin everything in anger,

perhaps we could envisage a sort of alliance.

When the cloud conceals the sun,

my army will reduce you to dust.

What's that?

A local proverb?

No, it's literal. It's happening.

How many of you?

He's at it again.

One

million!

Game changer.

I'll be going. I'm not from here.

I'll be in Rome. Keep me posted.

Don't desert us.

There's a million of them.

It's not my war.

I can't go like this.

Rear up!

Got your message!

Say goodbye to my little pyramid! Cleopatra

It's been a tough day.

A tough day.

That feels good.

Here we are, back in Gaul.

Not only for our friends' customary banquet.

But also to celebrate Gaul and China.

And now the Empress will speak.

Valiant Gauls!

You have my eternal gratitude.

It was an honour, Your Majesty.

I insisted we come to help.

We made this long journey

to celebrate a beautiful alliance.

That's my cousin Remix.

A specialist in world music.

He's my cousin.

Mine. Not yours, mine!

We have a lot in common, you and I.

We're chiefs.

I always think power isolates you from people.

Don't you agree?

And I'm not done.

And behind every great man

is a great woman.

Without Impedimenta, I'm nothing. At home, she holds the shield.

I'm not disturbing you? You're having a good day?

We'll talk at home.

Mimenta!

Excuse me, minor marital contretemps.

I thought he'd never leave.

You know, when you left the cell, I kept my head...

However...

I lost my heart.

Now, now.

Well then, where's my little heart?

Bankruptis, look.

Uncle didn't nod off in prison.

Classy!

One more plate.

No, a dish. A big dish! Share?

I won't crack.

Silly me.

Still don't miss it?

Not at all.

Honestly...

the smell is vile.

There are still triggers, though.

Drink an ale and it becomes tricky.

Hi, Obelix.

Panacea.

I'm interrupting?

I can see I am.

You ignore me now.

Are the rumours true?

You and Miss Tik?

Seriously?

Long-distance relationships don't work.

Honestly, her there, you here... And I'm here.

Waiting for you for months, worried sick,

and you fall in love?

Don't you love me?

Is that a yes or a no?

You wanted me.

Is it a yes or a no?

- I forget you? - Say yes!

Panacea...

Don't bother.

You know the village thrives on new adventures.

It's time for me to do the same.

Nothing personal.

Excuse me...

You're nuts.

But I'd...

Good, wasn't it?

Everyone had a great time.

Yes, a fine feast.

So Miss Tik has gone home?

Sure. It's a long ride.

She said I'm her true love.

Did she?

Wonderful.

Even so...

she didn't stay?

She'd have loved to but...

Too much work in China, lots of responsibility at the palace.

But there's time, we'll meet again.

As grown-ups.

As grown-ups?

Yes.

Tired. I'm going to bed.

One for the road?

I wouldn't say no.

My chum!

You're strangling me!

THE END

For René Goscinny & Albert Uderzo

You don't want me to sing?

I'm gonna sing anyway

You don't want me to sing?

You don't want me to sing

The surprise!

- What surprise? - Hold on.

So what is it? My voice or just me?

So is it me or my voice?

So is my voice not right? It's what you don't like?

Or is it just me?

Tell me what's wrong Always something wrong

Don't do this, don't do that

Is it my lyrics or my voice I don't get it

Don't call me paranoid You're all against me

Caesar said,

"I want it gleaming when I get back."

So buff!

Buff, buff, buff!

That's the spirit!

You keep Gaul.

I take China, rest of the world.

It'll go gangbusters.

Take it or leave it right now.

What might go gangbusters?

- I didn't say that. - Sure you did.

Top-notch merchants like me,

we read your lips even 5 km away.

- Why'd you say that? - I didn't!

- You did. - I'll lash out!

You know, duckie, your Julius is no lost cause.

So just send him a message,

"I'd go above and beyond, I'd dye my hair blond..."

It's in the bag. The rascal will be back.

You're right. Why did I ever flip my headdress?

Flat out. You got a pigeon charger?

Sit tight, I'll find you one.

With an Egyptian connector!

Why Egyptian?

Are you done making a ruckus?

We're trying to sleep!

Sorry.

Goodnight!

Goodnight, little Gauls!