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1
00:00:03,674 --> 00:00:06,680
(humming happily)
2
00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:08,951
Oh Krusty-o, oh Krusty-o,
3
00:00:08,951 --> 00:00:11,690
wherefore art thou, Krusty-o?
4
00:00:11,690 --> 00:00:13,794
Yo, yo, Julie-ech.
5
00:00:13,794 --> 00:00:17,067
To pie or not to pie?
6
00:00:17,067 --> 00:00:19,272
That is no question!
7
00:00:19,272 --> 00:00:20,575
(laughs)
8
00:00:20,575 --> 00:00:24,716
(crickets chirping)
9
00:00:24,716 --> 00:00:26,419
Well, the crickets get it,
10
00:00:26,419 --> 00:00:28,323
and they're the toughest
insects to please.
11
00:00:28,323 --> 00:00:30,562
But what happened
to my audience?
12
00:00:30,562 --> 00:00:31,496
(snores)
13
00:00:31,496 --> 00:00:34,235
This is supposed
to be a kids' show.
14
00:00:34,235 --> 00:00:37,074
Sorry, Krusty. Kids
are no longer into your show.
15
00:00:37,074 --> 00:00:39,045
Yeah, kids prefer
TikTok, Instagram,
16
00:00:39,045 --> 00:00:40,782
going to church,
dentist appointments,
17
00:00:40,782 --> 00:00:42,384
even getting bullied.
18
00:00:42,384 --> 00:00:44,322
The only way
we can get an audience
19
00:00:44,322 --> 00:00:46,660
is to bring in loose seniors
who are lost at the mall.
20
00:00:46,660 --> 00:00:48,330
We were lied to.
21
00:00:48,330 --> 00:00:50,735
We were promised
air conditioning.
22
00:00:50,735 --> 00:00:52,639
There is air conditioning.
23
00:00:52,639 --> 00:00:54,408
Turn it down! I'm freezing!
24
00:00:54,408 --> 00:00:56,780
Okay, so maybe I did lose touch
25
00:00:56,780 --> 00:00:58,183
with my audience in the '90s.
26
00:00:58,183 --> 00:01:00,822
- What year is this?
- (whispers)
27
00:01:00,822 --> 00:01:02,559
2000 and what?!
28
00:01:02,559 --> 00:01:04,696
I need new material.
Where are my writers?
29
00:01:04,696 --> 00:01:07,334
(whispers)
30
00:01:07,334 --> 00:01:09,506
They're buried where?!
31
00:01:09,506 --> 00:01:10,440
(groans)
32
00:01:11,710 --> 00:01:13,146
I tell you, Krusty,
33
00:01:13,146 --> 00:01:15,852
the heyday of
the TV clown ended
34
00:01:15,852 --> 00:01:17,923
when parents
found out that Ovaltine
35
00:01:17,923 --> 00:01:21,296
was just sugared mud. (laughs)
36
00:01:21,296 --> 00:01:22,899
Everyone's gotten out.
37
00:01:22,899 --> 00:01:24,435
Oingo, Boingo,
38
00:01:24,435 --> 00:01:26,907
Penny Nickels, Knick Knack, Paddywhack,
39
00:01:26,907 --> 00:01:28,310
the cast of The View,
40
00:01:28,310 --> 00:01:30,782
Dungaree Dave, Sadsy.
41
00:01:30,782 --> 00:01:32,886
Sad to see Sadsy go.
42
00:01:32,886 --> 00:01:34,890
Oh, not Leaky Pants.
43
00:01:34,890 --> 00:01:37,328
He'd never quit.
He was born to it.
44
00:01:37,328 --> 00:01:40,334
When his mother's water broke,
it was seltzer.
45
00:01:40,334 --> 00:01:41,637
Cheese for your scampi?
46
00:01:41,637 --> 00:01:43,708
Leaky? No!
47
00:01:43,708 --> 00:01:46,680
Also, can I buy all
your material for $7,800?
48
00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:48,851
No way.
49
00:01:48,851 --> 00:01:50,588
Fine, I'll just steal it.
50
00:01:50,588 --> 00:01:53,894
Little Debbie Dimples,
you're the wisest of us all.
51
00:01:53,894 --> 00:01:55,130
What do we do?!
52
00:01:55,130 --> 00:01:56,600
I don't know.
53
00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:59,973
I'm as cute and
adorable as I ever was.
54
00:01:59,973 --> 00:02:01,944
Check out my trademark pout.
55
00:02:01,944 --> 00:02:03,313
(forced laugh)
56
00:02:03,313 --> 00:02:06,654
Oh, it hurts so much to do that.
57
00:02:06,654 --> 00:02:08,691
(hacking coughs)
58
00:02:10,060 --> 00:02:13,199
What we need is
new, young clowns.
59
00:02:13,199 --> 00:02:16,372
But who's teaching 'em? Nobody.
60
00:02:16,372 --> 00:02:19,412
Wait a minute. If I started
a school for clowns,
61
00:02:19,412 --> 00:02:21,182
I could save our profession.
62
00:02:21,182 --> 00:02:22,585
But would I make money?
63
00:02:22,585 --> 00:02:25,057
What's private school
tuition these days?
64
00:02:25,057 --> 00:02:26,694
(whispering)
65
00:02:27,529 --> 00:02:29,900
Yow!
66
00:02:29,900 --> 00:02:32,304
Yeah, hey, you could sell
the students comedy props.
67
00:02:32,304 --> 00:02:36,714
Like those dollar sign contacts
you're wearing. (chuckles)
68
00:02:36,714 --> 00:02:37,782
It's not a prop.
69
00:02:37,782 --> 00:02:39,920
It's scarring from
a drive-through LASIK's clinic.
70
00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:43,126
Little tip: Put the car in park.
71
00:02:43,126 --> 00:02:47,001
Dimples, this
school idea is genius.
72
00:02:47,001 --> 00:02:48,403
Any more advice?
73
00:02:48,403 --> 00:02:52,044
Yes. The most important
thing in comedy is...
74
00:02:52,044 --> 00:02:53,179
is...
75
00:02:53,179 --> 00:02:55,785
uh, um...
76
00:02:55,785 --> 00:02:57,187
What? What?!
77
00:02:57,187 --> 00:02:59,191
Fine, don't tell me.
78
00:02:59,191 --> 00:03:00,762
What is it?
What could it be?
79
00:03:00,762 --> 00:03:02,932
Why won't she tell me?
80
00:03:02,932 --> 00:03:04,201
Is it being funny?
81
00:03:04,201 --> 00:03:06,005
Is it big shoes? What?
82
00:03:06,005 --> 00:03:06,907
Now, listen here, Bozo,
83
00:03:06,907 --> 00:03:09,178
you can't just open a school
84
00:03:09,178 --> 00:03:10,480
and expect to be certified.
85
00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:13,921
That's right, you need
psychological evaluations,
86
00:03:13,921 --> 00:03:15,424
educational degrees.
87
00:03:15,424 --> 00:03:18,864
I think you'll find
every document you need
88
00:03:18,864 --> 00:03:20,668
in this envelope.
89
00:03:20,668 --> 00:03:23,708
No cash.
Now I only take Griftr.
90
00:03:23,708 --> 00:03:24,776
See?
91
00:03:24,776 --> 00:03:27,314
Now, about the curriculum.
Will you teach STEM?
92
00:03:27,314 --> 00:03:31,355
Sure will. Slapstick, tumbling,
enormous shoes and mime.
93
00:03:31,355 --> 00:03:33,393
Mime?! Yeah, forget it.
94
00:03:33,393 --> 00:03:35,565
Hey, that's great.
95
00:03:35,565 --> 00:03:37,602
Would you like to teach
mime at my school?
96
00:03:38,336 --> 00:03:39,873
You've got the job.
97
00:03:39,873 --> 00:03:41,075
Sign here. Oh, no.
98
00:03:41,075 --> 00:03:43,346
The wind blew the papers away.
99
00:03:43,346 --> 00:03:46,285
Oh, catch them and put
them in your magic box.
100
00:03:50,093 --> 00:03:51,730
(shoes squeaking)
101
00:03:53,501 --> 00:03:56,172
Clowning is now
the most despised profession
102
00:03:56,172 --> 00:03:59,245
in America after
Supreme Court justice.
103
00:03:59,245 --> 00:04:01,015
But that will change.
104
00:04:01,015 --> 00:04:03,386
We will lift
our clown horns high
105
00:04:03,386 --> 00:04:07,629
and tell the world,
"Agagabawoogakazowie!"
106
00:04:07,629 --> 00:04:09,165
(horns honk)
107
00:04:09,165 --> 00:04:13,473
Now, let's pull together
as only clowns can.
108
00:04:13,473 --> 00:04:15,010
(hysterical laughing)
109
00:04:16,814 --> 00:04:19,586
Well, whatever the hell
this is, it's starting.
110
00:04:19,586 --> 00:04:20,955
ANNOUNCER:
Tired of your kids
111
00:04:20,955 --> 00:04:22,257
being jammed into overcrowded
112
00:04:22,257 --> 00:04:23,293
public school classrooms
113
00:04:23,293 --> 00:04:26,600
with teachers who only
work nine months a year?
114
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:29,405
Ready to work
on our lesson plan?
115
00:04:29,405 --> 00:04:32,377
I plan to lessen
the amount of margarita
116
00:04:32,377 --> 00:04:34,148
in this pitcher. (chuckles)
117
00:04:34,148 --> 00:04:36,385
Teachers. They have it so easy.
118
00:04:36,385 --> 00:04:38,524
They get to buy their own
classroom equipment,
119
00:04:38,524 --> 00:04:40,795
and people tell them what
they can and can't teach.
120
00:04:40,795 --> 00:04:41,964
What a racket.
121
00:04:41,964 --> 00:04:45,237
Then bring your kids to
the Herschel Krustofsky
122
00:04:45,237 --> 00:04:47,274
School for the Clowning Arts.
123
00:04:47,274 --> 00:04:50,013
You'll receive a fully
rounded education.
124
00:04:50,013 --> 00:04:52,552
Math, science, balloon animals,
125
00:04:52,552 --> 00:04:55,357
and the basics of stilt safety,
126
00:04:55,357 --> 00:04:57,529
and advanced balloon animals.
127
00:04:57,529 --> 00:04:59,799
And we've got one thing
no other school has:
128
00:04:59,799 --> 00:05:01,335
an elephant.
129
00:05:01,335 --> 00:05:04,308
Barnum & Bailey's
had to sell this guy
130
00:05:04,308 --> 00:05:06,345
after an
unfavorable documentary.
131
00:05:06,345 --> 00:05:07,381
And I got him.
132
00:05:07,381 --> 00:05:09,451
(elephant trumpets)
133
00:05:09,451 --> 00:05:12,725
I have to go there.
134
00:05:12,725 --> 00:05:16,065
You're doing just fine
at Springfield Elementary.
135
00:05:16,065 --> 00:05:17,502
No, I'm not. In fact,
136
00:05:17,502 --> 00:05:19,405
here are several notes
from my teachers.
137
00:05:19,405 --> 00:05:21,977
(Marge groaning)
138
00:05:24,215 --> 00:05:25,450
This could be the chance for me
139
00:05:25,450 --> 00:05:27,120
to turn my
sucked-up life around.
140
00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:29,091
I'll be like Lisa, but fun.
141
00:05:29,091 --> 00:05:31,095
Hey.
142
00:05:31,095 --> 00:05:32,699
- Mm.
- Objection withdrawn.
143
00:05:32,699 --> 00:05:35,337
Look at it this way, guys.
You got to straighten me out.
144
00:05:35,337 --> 00:05:38,777
It's either this way
or Catholic school.
145
00:05:38,777 --> 00:05:40,280
Catholic school?
146
00:05:40,280 --> 00:05:41,550
(both gasp)
147
00:05:41,550 --> 00:05:44,421
Te deum laudamus:
te dominum confitemur.
148
00:05:44,421 --> 00:05:47,494
Te aeternum patrem omnis
terra veneratur.
149
00:05:47,494 --> 00:05:48,664
- (both whimpering)
- Tibi omnes Angeli;
150
00:05:48,664 --> 00:05:52,004
tibi Caeli
et universae Potestates...
151
00:05:52,004 --> 00:05:54,041
Okay, okay, you got it.
152
00:05:54,041 --> 00:05:57,481
Kid, your grades are
nothing to "hey, hey" about,
153
00:05:57,481 --> 00:05:59,251
so sell me on you.
154
00:05:59,251 --> 00:06:02,725
Well, sir, I've been voted
class clown three years running.
155
00:06:02,725 --> 00:06:05,063
Impressive.
I never won anything.
156
00:06:05,063 --> 00:06:06,667
My publicist got me one of those
157
00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:10,173
"In Memoriam" segments once,
but I was alive.
158
00:06:10,173 --> 00:06:14,215
(somber music plays)
159
00:06:14,215 --> 00:06:16,352
It was great
to see my face up there,
160
00:06:16,352 --> 00:06:17,722
although it got booed.
161
00:06:17,722 --> 00:06:19,458
Still, this application has...
162
00:06:19,458 --> 00:06:22,164
What's the educational
term for it?
163
00:06:22,164 --> 00:06:23,767
"The stink of a loser."
164
00:06:23,767 --> 00:06:25,136
Oh, man.
165
00:06:25,136 --> 00:06:26,740
Wait a minute. Now, see here.
166
00:06:26,740 --> 00:06:29,913
Maybe my kid is a loser,
but he's an alpha loser.
167
00:06:29,913 --> 00:06:32,785
The one that all
the other losers blindly follow.
168
00:06:32,785 --> 00:06:35,090
Whatever Bart's joining,
I'm joining.
169
00:06:35,090 --> 00:06:38,496
And I'll pay whatever it takes.
Here are all my pin numbers.
170
00:06:38,496 --> 00:06:41,002
Take them. Come on, take them.
171
00:06:42,705 --> 00:06:45,410
Kid, you've shown me the way.
172
00:06:45,410 --> 00:06:48,349
The bottom of the barrel
is lined with gold.
173
00:06:48,349 --> 00:06:51,155
Now bring me every
rotten apple in the barrel.
174
00:06:52,190 --> 00:06:53,393
Hmm.
175
00:06:53,393 --> 00:06:57,134
Krusty, mein old pal.
Showbiz man hug.
176
00:06:57,134 --> 00:06:59,238
(groaning):
Yeah.
177
00:06:59,238 --> 00:07:01,710
I want to present
mein son, Dieter.
178
00:07:01,710 --> 00:07:05,518
I think he would be an excellent
candidate for your akademi.
179
00:07:05,518 --> 00:07:07,655
Shut up, Dad, you has-been.
180
00:07:07,655 --> 00:07:09,425
Enough of the wisenheiming.
181
00:07:09,425 --> 00:07:11,530
My son is a special boy,
182
00:07:11,530 --> 00:07:13,534
so special, no decent
school will take him.
183
00:07:13,534 --> 00:07:16,707
But he has a gift
for the comedy, like me.
184
00:07:16,707 --> 00:07:18,544
We Germans have a word for it.
185
00:07:18,544 --> 00:07:20,715
Komische einstellung
186
00:07:20,715 --> 00:07:23,687
Strikenhaltentseinenlieber-
schvancer...
187
00:07:23,687 --> 00:07:24,990
Wow.
188
00:07:24,990 --> 00:07:26,092
I wasn't finished.
189
00:07:26,092 --> 00:07:28,597
...einezwugzangshteifel.
190
00:07:28,597 --> 00:07:30,066
Let's cut to the chase.
Are we in?
191
00:07:30,066 --> 00:07:32,505
I don't know,
we got a lot of applications.
192
00:07:32,505 --> 00:07:35,477
- (rips check)
- Oh, he's in, all right.
193
00:07:35,477 --> 00:07:37,782
That's Malibu rehab money!
194
00:07:37,782 --> 00:07:40,153
Son, let's get you
some ice cream
195
00:07:40,153 --> 00:07:41,623
and a new Lamborghini.
196
00:07:41,623 --> 00:07:43,159
- Whatever.
- (phone keys clicking)
197
00:07:43,159 --> 00:07:44,294
Holy crap.
198
00:07:44,294 --> 00:07:46,198
I could afford another marriage.
199
00:07:46,198 --> 00:07:48,102
And just in time. (groans)
200
00:07:56,485 --> 00:07:58,624
You see this, Dad?
I'm trying to be
201
00:07:58,624 --> 00:08:00,126
an educator, just like you.
202
00:08:00,126 --> 00:08:03,734
Like all great teachers,
my motivation is money.
203
00:08:03,734 --> 00:08:07,040
If you've got a problem,
give me a sign.
204
00:08:08,610 --> 00:08:10,080
Nothing? Nothing.
205
00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:13,620
That's the most positive
thing you've ever said to me.
206
00:08:13,620 --> 00:08:15,490
I'll take that as, uh,
207
00:08:15,490 --> 00:08:18,129
"I admit to being your father."
208
00:08:18,129 --> 00:08:19,833
Okay, Lisa,
209
00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:22,104
here are your
multicolor note cards.
210
00:08:22,104 --> 00:08:23,807
Bart, your honk horn.
211
00:08:23,807 --> 00:08:26,379
Why do you need this
for English class?
212
00:08:26,379 --> 00:08:27,815
I don't know and I don't care.
213
00:08:27,815 --> 00:08:29,485
Ah-ooga.
214
00:08:29,485 --> 00:08:31,155
(honking horn)
215
00:08:32,157 --> 00:08:33,727
Bart, what have I told you about
216
00:08:33,727 --> 00:08:35,598
riding a unicycle
in the kitchen?
217
00:08:35,598 --> 00:08:37,234
Nothing. It's never come up.
218
00:08:37,234 --> 00:08:38,971
Hmm.
219
00:08:39,873 --> 00:08:43,714
"No turnip tossing,
no unhappy pancake faces."
220
00:08:43,714 --> 00:08:45,718
You know, you're right.
221
00:08:45,718 --> 00:08:47,622
Listen, I don't
want to spoil a party...
222
00:08:47,622 --> 00:08:49,124
- Yes, you do.
- Okay,
223
00:08:49,124 --> 00:08:51,162
but I don't enjoy it.
224
00:08:51,162 --> 00:08:52,197
Again, you do.
225
00:08:52,197 --> 00:08:53,867
Okay, but I feel guilty.
226
00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:55,938
- No, you don't.
- Shut up.
227
00:08:55,938 --> 00:08:57,074
Let me speak.
228
00:08:57,074 --> 00:08:59,612
Are we sure Bart is
going to a real school?
229
00:08:59,612 --> 00:09:00,948
(honks horn)
230
00:09:00,948 --> 00:09:03,754
Lisa, don't
step on his enthusiasm.
231
00:09:03,754 --> 00:09:07,427
This combines a boy's
two most natural desires:
232
00:09:07,427 --> 00:09:08,997
To be with his family
233
00:09:08,997 --> 00:09:11,503
while running away
to join the circus.
234
00:09:11,503 --> 00:09:13,172
Lis, for the first time,
235
00:09:13,172 --> 00:09:14,776
I feel like you do about school.
236
00:09:14,776 --> 00:09:17,047
Can you understand that feeling?
237
00:09:17,047 --> 00:09:18,617
Oh, my God, I can.
238
00:09:18,617 --> 00:09:19,953
(fart noise)
239
00:09:19,953 --> 00:09:22,257
Cut the treacle.
That's what clowns do.
240
00:09:22,257 --> 00:09:23,426
(laughs)
241
00:09:23,426 --> 00:09:24,596
(growls)
242
00:09:34,649 --> 00:09:36,586
Anyone seen my glasses?
243
00:09:36,586 --> 00:09:38,022
(squeaking)
244
00:09:38,022 --> 00:09:40,561
Those actually
make you look cooler.
245
00:09:40,561 --> 00:09:42,130
Haw-haw!
246
00:09:42,130 --> 00:09:43,332
Ha-haw-haw!
247
00:09:43,332 --> 00:09:44,536
Ha-haw-haw-haw!
248
00:09:44,536 --> 00:09:49,011
Who was the first clown to wear
the double-winged neck ruff?
249
00:09:49,646 --> 00:09:51,415
My hand is going up.
What's happening?
250
00:09:51,415 --> 00:09:53,520
Yes, Bart?
251
00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:54,689
First clown with neck ruff.
252
00:09:54,689 --> 00:09:56,325
Pickel-herring.
Dortmund, Germany.
253
00:09:56,325 --> 00:09:57,562
Very good.
254
00:09:57,562 --> 00:10:01,068
First female clown, U. S.?
255
00:10:01,068 --> 00:10:03,707
Amelia Butler,
Royal Amphitheater.
256
00:10:03,707 --> 00:10:06,312
Very good. First...
257
00:10:06,312 --> 00:10:07,380
Oh, my God, I'm striving.
258
00:10:07,380 --> 00:10:10,053
And I know what
"striving" means.
259
00:10:10,721 --> 00:10:14,629
Now for a demonstration
of the parabolic curve.
260
00:10:14,629 --> 00:10:17,033
(laughs)
261
00:10:19,071 --> 00:10:20,473
(groaning)
262
00:10:20,473 --> 00:10:23,112
(laughing)
263
00:10:24,248 --> 00:10:25,951
Laughter is the best medicine.
264
00:10:25,951 --> 00:10:29,024
Except for synthetic opiates.
265
00:10:29,024 --> 00:10:31,897
(laughs)
266
00:10:31,897 --> 00:10:34,502
(playing slide whistles)
267
00:10:35,136 --> 00:10:38,510
(plays "Entry of the Gladiators"
by Julius Fucik)
268
00:10:38,510 --> 00:10:39,579
(sneezes)
269
00:10:39,579 --> 00:10:43,186
(Marge humming)
270
00:10:43,186 --> 00:10:44,823
(chuckles)
271
00:10:44,823 --> 00:10:45,958
You know the rules, boy.
272
00:10:45,958 --> 00:10:48,129
In this house,
I get the first shower
273
00:10:48,129 --> 00:10:50,466
and the last pork chop.
274
00:10:50,466 --> 00:10:52,972
♪
275
00:10:58,149 --> 00:10:59,619
Why, you...
276
00:10:59,619 --> 00:11:02,224
genius. (laughs)
277
00:11:03,994 --> 00:11:06,633
He deflected his father's rage.
278
00:11:06,633 --> 00:11:08,737
I'm so proud.
279
00:11:08,737 --> 00:11:14,749
("Yakety Sax"
by Boots Randolph playing)
280
00:11:14,749 --> 00:11:17,487
What is that
beautiful instrument?
281
00:11:17,487 --> 00:11:18,891
It's a saxophone.
282
00:11:18,891 --> 00:11:21,530
Why don't you play
a fun thing like that?
283
00:11:21,530 --> 00:11:23,065
I play it every night.
284
00:11:23,065 --> 00:11:25,069
Well, why can't you
be more yakety?
285
00:11:25,069 --> 00:11:28,075
Mom, tell Dad I'm plenty yakety.
286
00:11:28,075 --> 00:11:31,583
Well, a little more
wouldn't hurt.
287
00:11:31,583 --> 00:11:35,256
("Yakety Sax" plays
at slower tempo)
288
00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:39,832
(clears throat)
Springfield Elementary children,
289
00:11:39,832 --> 00:11:41,435
are you ready?
290
00:11:41,435 --> 00:11:46,212
My mechanical pencil nib
is extruded to the ideal length.
291
00:11:46,212 --> 00:11:47,715
Good to see you, pal.
292
00:11:47,715 --> 00:11:48,817
First question.
293
00:11:48,817 --> 00:11:50,754
Category: Science.
294
00:11:50,754 --> 00:11:54,294
This lighter-than-air gas...
295
00:11:54,294 --> 00:11:56,198
(high-pitched):
Helium.
296
00:11:56,198 --> 00:11:59,137
- BOTH (high-pitched):
Helium. Helium. - Correct.
297
00:12:02,043 --> 00:12:05,049
Children, remember
this inspirational thought.
298
00:12:05,049 --> 00:12:06,720
You will have to
make up the schoolwork
299
00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:09,559
you missed during this time.
300
00:12:09,559 --> 00:12:11,161
Great speech.
301
00:12:11,161 --> 00:12:13,466
This is a good time
to remind you
302
00:12:13,466 --> 00:12:15,971
you're banned from my funeral.
303
00:12:15,971 --> 00:12:20,046
Time for the final
question in math.
304
00:12:21,549 --> 00:12:23,887
Give the equation for
305
00:12:23,887 --> 00:12:26,158
a parabolic curve.
306
00:12:27,762 --> 00:12:29,097
(honking horn)
307
00:12:32,738 --> 00:12:35,945
Y equals X squared
plus a constant C.
308
00:12:35,945 --> 00:12:38,984
That answer is... correct.
309
00:12:38,984 --> 00:12:40,286
This is a Hollywood ending,
310
00:12:40,286 --> 00:12:42,390
except Hollywood doesn't
write endings anymore.
311
00:12:42,390 --> 00:12:44,829
They just tease the sequels.
312
00:12:44,829 --> 00:12:46,432
Krusty...
313
00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:48,035
Sorry, no autographs, selfies,
314
00:12:48,035 --> 00:12:50,273
charitable requests,
subpoenas or...
315
00:12:50,273 --> 00:12:52,444
I came to say thank you.
316
00:12:52,444 --> 00:12:53,379
What?
317
00:12:53,379 --> 00:12:54,882
Never heard that before.
318
00:12:54,882 --> 00:12:57,253
I hate to say it,
but I was almost,
319
00:12:57,253 --> 00:13:01,261
almost, starting to
lose hope in my son.
320
00:13:01,261 --> 00:13:05,537
Then you turned him around.
God bless you, Krusty.
321
00:13:05,537 --> 00:13:07,374
Wow.
322
00:13:08,710 --> 00:13:12,652
♪
323
00:13:12,652 --> 00:13:13,954
Here's a subpoena.
324
00:13:13,954 --> 00:13:15,724
Eh, I'm still happy.
325
00:13:15,724 --> 00:13:17,227
Dad, I did it.
326
00:13:17,227 --> 00:13:20,500
I finally did something
both of us can be proud of.
327
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:21,770
And you didn't see it.
328
00:13:21,770 --> 00:13:24,374
Even though you lived to be 97.
329
00:13:24,374 --> 00:13:25,911
- VOICE: Krusty?
- Yeah.
330
00:13:25,911 --> 00:13:28,650
Krusty, my boy.
331
00:13:28,650 --> 00:13:30,053
I hear you.
332
00:13:30,053 --> 00:13:32,057
Krusty, I would like to
333
00:13:32,057 --> 00:13:34,328
become a partner in your school.
334
00:13:34,328 --> 00:13:37,668
A Carnegie to your Mellon,
as it were.
335
00:13:37,668 --> 00:13:39,839
Aw, the mob wants in.
336
00:13:39,839 --> 00:13:42,243
Running a school is
a dangerous business.
337
00:13:42,243 --> 00:13:45,016
I foresee possible
boiler explosions,
338
00:13:45,016 --> 00:13:47,053
Taco Tuesday trichinosis,
339
00:13:47,053 --> 00:13:50,661
a mysterious increase
in owies and boo-boos.
340
00:13:50,661 --> 00:13:53,032
But I can prevent these things.
341
00:13:53,032 --> 00:13:55,003
Are you threatening me?
342
00:13:55,003 --> 00:13:57,775
Well, since you
insist on discussing
343
00:13:57,775 --> 00:14:00,514
the elephant in the room,
344
00:14:00,514 --> 00:14:03,419
he will be working for me now.
345
00:14:03,419 --> 00:14:07,862
Oh, why does every
performing animal turn on me?
346
00:14:09,164 --> 00:14:11,101
- (elephant trumpets)
- Are you still mad
347
00:14:11,101 --> 00:14:13,072
I separated you from your child?
348
00:14:15,611 --> 00:14:17,581
Look, you guys already control
349
00:14:17,581 --> 00:14:19,117
waste management, casinos,
350
00:14:19,117 --> 00:14:21,790
farmers' markets
and Girl Scout cookies.
351
00:14:21,790 --> 00:14:23,860
What do you want
with a stupid school?
352
00:14:23,860 --> 00:14:27,200
Our organization has
run out of revenue streams.
353
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:31,275
The best drugs are sold
by the nice lady at Walgreens.
354
00:14:31,275 --> 00:14:33,580
Gambling is
so legally available,
355
00:14:33,580 --> 00:14:35,049
it's not fun anymore.
356
00:14:35,049 --> 00:14:36,820
Meanwhile, Harvard and Yale
357
00:14:36,820 --> 00:14:39,324
jacked their tuition up
ten percent annually
358
00:14:39,324 --> 00:14:42,798
when they already got
90 billion in the bank.
359
00:14:42,798 --> 00:14:44,936
I just found out
we're down $100.
360
00:14:44,936 --> 00:14:46,840
Send out more envelopes!
361
00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:48,643
(licking)
362
00:14:48,643 --> 00:14:50,881
I want out of loan sharking,
363
00:14:50,881 --> 00:14:52,985
and into student loans.
364
00:14:52,985 --> 00:14:55,423
Talk about a vig. Whoa!
365
00:14:55,423 --> 00:14:59,498
Education is
the last untapped scam
366
00:14:59,498 --> 00:15:00,768
left in America.
367
00:15:00,768 --> 00:15:03,707
Plus, I've always admired
the stone-cold ruthlessness
368
00:15:03,707 --> 00:15:06,145
of teachers unions.
369
00:15:06,145 --> 00:15:07,681
And if that teacher's a nun,
370
00:15:07,681 --> 00:15:09,117
you can kiss
your knuckles goodbye.
371
00:15:09,117 --> 00:15:10,788
Talk about whacking.
372
00:15:10,788 --> 00:15:13,125
Fat Tony, let me
be honest with you.
373
00:15:13,125 --> 00:15:15,296
I got an agent, a manager,
374
00:15:15,296 --> 00:15:18,002
two personal shoppers
and a Shabbos goy.
375
00:15:18,002 --> 00:15:20,239
There are no percents left
for me to give.
376
00:15:20,239 --> 00:15:24,147
And for the first time in my
life as a children's show host,
377
00:15:24,147 --> 00:15:27,053
I think I'm actually
helping kids.
378
00:15:27,053 --> 00:15:29,959
No, let me be honest with you.
379
00:15:29,959 --> 00:15:33,466
We can do this
the easy way or...
380
00:15:33,466 --> 00:15:35,002
You win.
381
00:15:35,002 --> 00:15:36,539
Now, one more thing.
382
00:15:36,539 --> 00:15:40,046
Tell me you like me
and make me believe it.
383
00:15:40,046 --> 00:15:43,018
I like you. I like you.
384
00:15:43,018 --> 00:15:46,024
No one could
fake a kiss that wet.
385
00:15:46,024 --> 00:15:48,395
(horns honking)
386
00:15:52,137 --> 00:15:53,874
Why aren't you traffic monitors
387
00:15:53,874 --> 00:15:55,577
managing this drop-off?
388
00:15:55,577 --> 00:15:57,046
He's on a no-show job.
389
00:15:57,046 --> 00:15:58,850
Me? I'm a no-work.
390
00:15:58,850 --> 00:16:01,689
I'm a no-show?
Then what am I doing here?
391
00:16:01,689 --> 00:16:03,693
I thought you liked my company.
392
00:16:03,693 --> 00:16:04,962
Eh, I like it. I don't love it.
393
00:16:04,962 --> 00:16:06,733
(horns honking)
394
00:16:07,066 --> 00:16:09,204
Where are all the markers?
395
00:16:09,204 --> 00:16:12,177
They're selling them across
the border in Ogdenville
396
00:16:12,177 --> 00:16:14,582
without paying
the dry erase tax.
397
00:16:14,582 --> 00:16:17,220
♪
398
00:16:17,220 --> 00:16:19,057
- (tires screech)
- Have you got any reds, man?
399
00:16:19,057 --> 00:16:20,561
Nobody's got reds!
400
00:16:20,561 --> 00:16:22,130
Two hundo a bag.
401
00:16:22,130 --> 00:16:24,201
That's not cool. You're taking
advantage of my addiction
402
00:16:24,201 --> 00:16:26,271
to highlighting
important material, man.
403
00:16:28,242 --> 00:16:30,948
You are late with your envelope.
404
00:16:30,948 --> 00:16:32,150
Tough tamales.
405
00:16:32,150 --> 00:16:33,587
You see these mashed potatoes?
406
00:16:33,587 --> 00:16:34,989
Yeah.
407
00:16:34,989 --> 00:16:37,528
What if we make you eat them?
408
00:16:37,528 --> 00:16:39,565
No!
409
00:16:39,565 --> 00:16:41,034
(straining)
410
00:16:45,409 --> 00:16:46,278
You're right, Dad.
411
00:16:46,378 --> 00:16:48,315
It's time I stopped
being a terrified clown
412
00:16:48,315 --> 00:16:50,921
and started being
a terrified educator.
413
00:16:50,921 --> 00:16:53,025
I'm going to stand up like a man
414
00:16:53,025 --> 00:16:55,797
and rat them out
behind their backs.
415
00:16:55,797 --> 00:16:57,467
(horn honks)
416
00:17:00,439 --> 00:17:03,212
Yeah, sorry, Krusty,
but the police have
417
00:17:03,212 --> 00:17:05,349
no jurisdiction
in private schools,
418
00:17:05,349 --> 00:17:07,420
private clubs, private homes.
419
00:17:07,420 --> 00:17:11,094
Basically any place outside
the police station. (chuckles)
420
00:17:11,094 --> 00:17:12,565
Are you willing to wear a wire?
421
00:17:12,565 --> 00:17:15,637
I will, but I must warn you,
I'm super ticklish.
422
00:17:15,637 --> 00:17:18,810
(laughs)
423
00:17:18,810 --> 00:17:20,146
I'm not even touching you.
424
00:17:20,146 --> 00:17:21,950
But I know you're gonna.
425
00:17:21,950 --> 00:17:23,219
(laughs)
426
00:17:23,219 --> 00:17:25,524
So, uh, we figured it's best
427
00:17:25,524 --> 00:17:28,295
to put the microphone
in the squirting flower.
428
00:17:28,295 --> 00:17:30,801
Gotcha. Does the flower
still squirt?
429
00:17:30,801 --> 00:17:32,303
Actually, if you squirt it,
430
00:17:32,303 --> 00:17:34,875
you'll be immediately
electrocuted. Yeah.
431
00:17:34,875 --> 00:17:36,478
(groans)
432
00:17:37,848 --> 00:17:40,286
Full house. Jacks over eights.
433
00:17:40,286 --> 00:17:42,257
What do you got,
Johnny Tight Lips?
434
00:17:42,257 --> 00:17:43,860
Could be the winning hand,
435
00:17:43,860 --> 00:17:45,697
but I'll never tell.
436
00:17:48,302 --> 00:17:50,406
Just what our card game needed,
437
00:17:50,406 --> 00:17:51,809
a joker.
438
00:17:51,809 --> 00:17:54,047
Uh, yeah. Don't mind me.
439
00:17:54,047 --> 00:17:56,920
Just keep playing
and talking freely.
440
00:17:56,920 --> 00:17:58,122
Okay.
441
00:17:58,122 --> 00:17:59,959
Hey, Krusty, do the flower bit.
442
00:17:59,959 --> 00:18:03,566
I love that gag.
Hey, let me be the foil.
443
00:18:03,566 --> 00:18:06,104
(laughing nervously):
Yeah, well, uh...
444
00:18:06,104 --> 00:18:07,373
Come on, funny man.
445
00:18:07,373 --> 00:18:09,845
Squirt me
right between the eyes.
446
00:18:10,781 --> 00:18:13,252
What are you waiting for, clown?
447
00:18:15,089 --> 00:18:17,060
One of us is
going to be splattered
448
00:18:17,060 --> 00:18:19,464
in the next five seconds.
449
00:18:19,464 --> 00:18:21,268
Damn it, lost another witness.
450
00:18:21,268 --> 00:18:23,773
How's our memorial wall
looking, Lou?
451
00:18:24,642 --> 00:18:25,677
Don't give me that look.
452
00:18:25,677 --> 00:18:28,850
I told you we needed
a bigger wall. I said it.
453
00:18:30,787 --> 00:18:33,960
- (zapping)
- (shouts)
454
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:35,096
(laughter)
455
00:18:35,096 --> 00:18:36,933
This guy is hilarious.
456
00:18:36,933 --> 00:18:38,937
He's wearing a wire.
457
00:18:38,937 --> 00:18:41,876
Any last words?
458
00:18:41,876 --> 00:18:43,780
(slide whistles, horns honking)
459
00:18:47,153 --> 00:18:50,292
No one messes with
the principal we actually like.
460
00:18:50,292 --> 00:18:53,132
Boss, these kids are
making me feel dizzy and guilty.
461
00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:55,136
Silenzio.
462
00:18:55,136 --> 00:18:59,244
Maybe there is a more
civilized solution.
463
00:18:59,244 --> 00:19:03,252
After all, we Romans
invented civilization.
464
00:19:03,252 --> 00:19:05,222
No, we didn't, we stole it
from the Greeks.
465
00:19:05,222 --> 00:19:07,093
(exasperated shout)
466
00:19:07,093 --> 00:19:08,830
Krusty, what if
there was a way
467
00:19:08,830 --> 00:19:10,466
that I could get my money
468
00:19:10,466 --> 00:19:13,807
and you would
no longer have me to fear?
469
00:19:13,807 --> 00:19:15,409
I'm listening.
470
00:19:15,409 --> 00:19:17,781
Oh, you're burning
the school down
471
00:19:17,781 --> 00:19:19,317
for the insurance money?
472
00:19:19,317 --> 00:19:21,989
You get an A-plus in math.
473
00:19:21,989 --> 00:19:23,793
(siren wailing)
474
00:19:23,793 --> 00:19:24,895
(tires screech)
475
00:19:24,895 --> 00:19:27,534
♪
476
00:19:34,982 --> 00:19:36,051
ALL (high-pitched):
Oh, no!
477
00:19:36,051 --> 00:19:37,688
What do I do
with this extra gas?
478
00:19:37,688 --> 00:19:39,825
- Use it in your car.
- Don't need it.
479
00:19:39,825 --> 00:19:41,395
I drive a Nissan Leaf.
480
00:19:41,395 --> 00:19:44,502
Idiota. I'll leaf you.
481
00:19:48,409 --> 00:19:50,947
I finally did something
you could be proud of,
482
00:19:50,947 --> 00:19:52,083
and now it's gone.
483
00:19:52,083 --> 00:19:53,352
Not true, man.
484
00:19:53,352 --> 00:19:55,022
You made a difference
in my life,
485
00:19:55,022 --> 00:19:56,559
and that'll never change.
486
00:19:56,559 --> 00:19:58,530
He's right. The boy has learned
487
00:19:58,530 --> 00:20:00,600
that if he gives a damn,
he will succeed.
488
00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:04,875
And that false hope will
carry him a long, long way.
489
00:20:04,875 --> 00:20:06,546
Aw, thanks, but I'm afraid
490
00:20:06,546 --> 00:20:09,184
I'll need more
than that to cheer me up.
491
00:20:09,184 --> 00:20:11,723
Hmm. Want to get some nachos?
492
00:20:11,723 --> 00:20:13,225
Did you say "naches,"
493
00:20:13,225 --> 00:20:15,396
the Yiddish word for
"fatherly pride"?
494
00:20:15,396 --> 00:20:17,500
No, I said "nachos,"
the Mexican word
495
00:20:17,500 --> 00:20:19,304
for cheese-covered chips.
496
00:20:19,304 --> 00:20:21,475
It's a sign from my father.
497
00:20:21,475 --> 00:20:23,813
My father finally has naches.
498
00:20:23,813 --> 00:20:25,984
I said, "nachos."
499
00:20:25,984 --> 00:20:28,455
Chipotle on me.
500
00:20:28,455 --> 00:20:31,729
Timing. The most important
thing is timing.
501
00:20:32,931 --> 00:20:34,167
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
502
00:20:34,167 --> 00:20:35,737
and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
503
00:20:35,737 --> 00:20:37,841
and TOYOTA.
504
00:20:37,841 --> 00:20:39,244
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
505
00:20:43,318 --> 00:20:45,690
Here are
the morning announcements.
506
00:20:45,690 --> 00:20:46,826
You children have
507
00:20:46,826 --> 00:20:48,362
the greatest gift of all.
508
00:20:48,362 --> 00:20:51,368
You cannot be tried as adults.
509
00:20:51,368 --> 00:20:53,907
Today is Italian American Day.
510
00:20:53,907 --> 00:20:56,178
As is every other day forever.
511
00:20:56,178 --> 00:20:58,382
Do not go in the meat locker
512
00:20:58,382 --> 00:21:00,019
no matter what you hear.
513
00:21:00,019 --> 00:21:01,889
If you see something,
514
00:21:01,889 --> 00:21:04,294
you didn't see nothing.
515
00:21:04,294 --> 00:21:05,997
And all further announcements
516
00:21:05,997 --> 00:21:07,033
will be made from
517
00:21:07,033 --> 00:21:08,302
my uncle's doctor's office
518
00:21:08,302 --> 00:21:09,304
because the Feds
519
00:21:09,304 --> 00:21:11,041
can't wire that place.
520
00:21:11,041 --> 00:21:12,210
Good day.
521
00:21:12,210 --> 00:21:14,915
♪
522
00:21:29,979 --> 00:21:31,749
Shh!
523
00:21:31,799 --> 00:21:36,349
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