Original subtitles

[upbeat rock music]

- ♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

- ♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪ - ♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪

- ♪ Ruff, ruff ♪ - ♪ Meow, meow ♪

- ♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪ - ♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪

- ♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff ♪ - ♪ Meow, meow, meow ♪

- ♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪ - ♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪

[music crescendos]

♪ ♪

[thumping upbeat dance music]

- That's it! Dance me how you're feeling.

♪ ♪

- This is stupid!

- If I'm gonna grind on a couch in the middle of the night,

I'd like to be with a different group!

And a different couch, frankly.

- Beautiful, Elsa. And your mood is?

- Uh, angry, resentful, a little bit--

- No, no, no, say it with dance.

Diablo, feel the music. - [yawns]

- I know.

I'm sorry for scheduling a night session,

but Jill finally left the house.

She took a bunch of camping equipment

and mentioned something called cycle-delics,

which I can only assume

is the new white woman form of exercise.

Come on, Gray One. Show me some moves.

What is that? You're just shrugging.

- Pretty much sums me up.

One big, lonely, "If I died tomorrow,

nobody would miss me" shrug.

- [snoring]

- Ah, the soundtrack of my life.

- All right, everyone. Take five.

- Thank God!

[glass clinks]

- And wake up! - [yelps]

- Do you have any idea how challenging it is for me

to discreetly gather you whiny ding-dongs every week

so that we can go unnoticed by my human?

- Ooh! Welcome to "Honey After Dark."

- I put my sweet ass on the line

so you can get out your saddies.

Have you considered what would happen

if Jill were to walk in on us right now?

Well, how crazy would that have been

if she had actually just--

- [gasps] [all gasp]

- Run for your lives!

- This must be some strong ayahuasca,

because I swear I just saw

a one-eyed cat and a sickly mongoose tear outta here.

[laughs]

- I'd say sickly weasel,

but close enough, sweet cheeks.

- Sweet cheeks?

Let's take it down a notch, "Mad Men."

- Oh, my God.

You understood that?

[dramatic musical spikes]

[flatulence]

[both panting]

[energetic drumming] - Huh?

Uh-oh! Looks like they got into the people-nip.

- So you can talk! - And you can understand me!

both: Oh, my God!

This is a miracle! Jinx!

- Buy me a Coke. - Buy me a chew toy!

[both laugh]

- Well, friends,

I don't know how long this ayahuasca will last,

so go ahead and AMA.

- Jill, Jill, back to me.

There's just so much I want to say to you.

- And I can't wait to hear it.

- It's happening! We're taking this relationship

to the next level!

[upbeat music]

[bike bell rings] both: On your left!

[both grunt and scream]

[whistle blows]

- Oh, Honey! I have so much respect for you!

- [spits] I know!

[peaceful dramatic music]

[overlapping chatter] all: Jill! Jill!

- Ooh, who to pick?

Um...

not the writhing mass of spiders.

[laughs hoarsely] Yes, okay!

The extra-sparkly Corgi. - Thanks.

So you mentioned earlier that humans intentionally

bred me to have these stubby legs.

My question is why?

- Well, the aristocracy found your form to be beautiful.

- You hear that? You can all get humped.

- In fact, it's likely you're the most expensive animal here

with the exception of the slow loris,

but he's illegal. [chuckles]

[umbrella clacking]

I'm sorry. You're right.

Undocumented. I'm sorry.

- Jill, over here! - Oh, Jill!

I have a question for you. - I have a question also.

- Yes, thick, orange cat!

- Chico, Kevin's house.

Thank you for taking my question.

Why does my person watch so many instructional videos

about human mating?

- Oh, he's just fantasizing about sexual scenarios

he can't create on his own, to which he'll masturbate

and then fall asleep and dream about his teeth falling out.

- Neat!

- Okay, guys.

Jill's being polite, but obviously,

she only wants to talk to me, so--

- [retches]

Sacred plant medicine,

am I right? [laughs]

- That's it! Everybody out.

[overlapping angry chatter]

Sorry about that. They can be a lot.

- They're great. I love them.

Especially the ones that melted like ice cream.

- Well, I know you've been dying

to have some one-on-one time with me

and it's been my lifelong dream to communicate with you, so--

- Honey, Honey! You gotta get out there!

You know that dream I always have

where the backyard is covered in vomit

and wild-eyed hippies try to braid me?

It's happening!

Oh, when did Jill get back?

- About 20 minutes ago. - Oh.

[chuckles] I must have missed you.

Wowza! You can understand me?

- Every word. - Cool!

I have so many questions.

- Me, too! Did you take my new sandals?

- The short answer is, yes. The long answer is...

[drawn-out] Yes.

[chuckles] Now my turn.

- Actually, it's my turn.

- What's your favorite color?

And also, what is color?

- Imagine if light had flavor.

[sitar playing]

- It feels a little "Walking Dead," doesn't it?

I mean the early seasons before it went off the rails.

- Let me catch my breath.

I have tiny lungs

and my seasonal allergies got my nose all--

[sneezes] Lord, I'm adorable!

- Neil? Neil!

Oh, I've spent so long searching for you

when the whole time, all I had to do

was get high out of my gourd!

- Whoa! Ever heard of consent, lady?

'Cause-- ooh, I am giving it!

- Neil, you came back to me

in the body of a sad, nondescript cat!

Don't you recognize me?

It's Diane, your wife!

- Wife? - Oh, sweetums!

I've missed your touch.

[moaning] - [groans]

[gasping] Too rough!

What's our safe word? - [moaning]

- Gray One, I can't tell

if you're loving this or hating this.

Blink twice if you need help I can't provide.

- Oh, my God! Yes, yes.

- Ooh, free hugs? I'm next!

They are free, right?

- Yeah, this lady thinks The Gray One's her dead husband.

Do you cool cats always have this much fun?

Usually I'm alone with just my thoughts.

[multiple voices] Just your thoughts?

Guys, don't be like that.

- Neil, darling! [shushes]

No, maybe this will help jog your memory.

[tender dramatic music]

- Wait a minute.

One eye, lots of chest hair,

looks like he could've woken up

in a pile of old "Parade" magazines?

[gasps] I am Neil!

[energetic drumming]

[drumming stops] - Behold, my friends.

My late husband

and certified public accountant,

Neil Radabaugh!

[ethereal chords]

[all cheering] - Yes! You manifested it!

- I hate LA.

[upbeat music]

- And while we're on the subject,

why do you wipe?

Is it so no one can smell what you're thinking?

- Seriously, Chief?

We've been granted the miracle

of communicating with our human,

and that's what you want to know?

- I'm just easing into it with some delightful small talk.

Now Jill, tell me all about when you gave birth to me.

Was it painful? Did you lick me clean?

Did you cut my umbrella-cul cord?

- Sweetie, I didn't give birth to you.

- But you're my mommy.

I have your hips!

- Baby, I adopted you.

- What?

Did you know? - Yes.

Remember that time Jill told us

she found you as a puppy behind a feminist strip club?

- I thought that was just a story she made up

because I was too young to know about sex!

- But I hope you know that I'm still your mommy.

- I don't know anything anymore!

My whole life is a lie!

Am I even really a good boy?

- When he's like this,

it's best to give him some time alone.

Let's go find an H&M and get matching crop tops--

and leg warmers!

- You need to take me to that strip club

to find my real mommy.

- Chief, we're not going to a strip club

in the middle of the night to find a dog

that's probably been dead for years.

- Please! It will give me closure!

- Okay, let's go.

- What? Seriously?

- You heard him. It'll give him closure.

- Okay, I just taught him that word last week,

and he's constantly misusing it.

- Honey, please.

You're being very closure right now.

[energetic drumming]

- We've got to save him from that delusional, basic widow.

- We? [scoffs] Okay, just to be clear,

the best friend position is filled.

You're just a dog he knows from group.

- Aw, you really think I look like a dog?

- Let's get outta here, lover.

- Gray One! It's a cat-napping!

That sounds cuter than it should!

[suspenseful music]

- Scoot!

I'm in no condition to drive,

so, Honey, take the wheel!

- I can't drive.

Or can I?

- Chief, you work the pedals.

- Hey, pedals.

Do those ridges go all the way up?

- Now I'm going to put the car in reverse.

- Yay! I know what to do!

- And Chief, you're gonna want to gently press that pedal.

[electric motor whirring] [tires squealing]

[Honey and Chief screaming] Doing great.

Excellent.

Now, Honey, you see that little lever to the left of the wheel?

Give her a pull.

Good girl!

- Are we there yet?

- Now isn't this better than driving?

- It's certainly slower.

Let's just get to that strip club, disappoint Chief,

go home, and have a real gals' night.

- Why not start that gals' night now?

- Yay! Paint my nails!

Get away from my nails!

Make them pretty! Don't you dare touch them!

Sorry, unresolved puppy issues.

- So you're kind of a little therapist yourself, aren't you?

- I mean, I'm more than kind of, but--

- Do you think my real mom has missed me?

- Well, Chief, I like to think of myself as your real mom.

- Tomato, adopted.

- I had no idea this would be so traumatic for him.

- Well, one of the tenets of my very real therapy practice

is to reframe trauma as the furnace

in which our values are forged.

- Oh, wow.

- Would you ever want to collaborate

on a peer-reviewed paper?

Your name would go first because you're the human.

- I have to pee.

- So pee!

- I have to pee, too!

You be lookout.

[both sniffing]

Ooh, this feels so liberating!

I may never use a bathroom again!

- Hey! - [gasps]

- Dr. Jill?

- Uh, woof?

- Run!

- [sniffing] Okay, I think it's this way.

No. This way?

- Look, I hate to be that cat,

but your value to the organization right now

is directly linked to your ability to smell things.

- It's not being cute?

- I am an obese cat. I think we've got that covered.

- I'm sorry, there's just more pollen in the air than usual

on account of climate change.

- I miss The Gray One.

He's never informed enough to talk politics.

- Well, it's not really a political--

[sniffs] Found him!

[both gasp] - Oh, my God!

He's dead!

No! [drawn-out] No!

It looks like the organization has an opening.

[deadpan] Welcome aboard.

[dramatically] No!

[upbeat music]

- I want the whole canine experience.

What should we do next? Chase cars?

Freak out at the blood moon?

Sit and stare at the door?

- Or we could each say

what we admire most about each other.

I'll go first.

I admire your resilience, your curiosity,

your quiet dignity--

[water splashing] Jill?

- Whee!

I totally understand why you guys love this.

I want this stank all over me!

- Can we just get this walk over with and go home?

- Hey, can I ask you a question?

- Yes! Finally!

- Can I wear your collar?

- Sure.

[squirrel squeaking] - Squirrel!

- Squirrel! - [groans]

[ominous music]

- Oh, Gray One!

I will avenge you!

- Hey, guys. [both scream]

What are you doing here? - You're not dead!

- No, I--I just passed out.

Huh, I guess this is what a food coma is.

[slurps] I've never been full enough to be in one before!

- Let's get out of here before that crazy lady comes back.

- Hey! That crazy lady is my crazy wife.

And because of her, I'm so much more than just The Gray One.

I'm a dead CPA husband.

A whiz with numbers,

an unironic fan of Mario Lopez,

and a verbal, submissive top.

- Neil!

- She's never liked any of my friends.

Hide!

- Oh, my God, I lost my locket.

You have to help me find it!

You're so good at finding things.

It's like you always say,

I'm such a useless scatterbrain!

- Looks like my lady needs a booster shot

of the Neil vaccine.

Mmm.

- Aw, you're so-- wait a minute.

Neil would never forgive me so quickly.

He'd lord it over me for years

and then talk about it on his podcast.

Which means-- and this could just be

the no-more-drugs talking--

you're not Neil!

You're just some cat I bathed with!

- You didn't tell us about that part.

- I--I guess I was saving it for my podcast?

- Get out! [all scream]

[thumping electronic music]

♪ ♪

[all sniffing]

- Chief, we've sniffed everywhere.

Your real mom's just not here.

- Wait! [sniffs]

I think I smell something. - Really?

- Is this dog?

- Oh! [pants excitedly]

[sniffs]

[sighs] No.

That's just the smell of a recent murder.

- I'm sorry.

- I guess I have no mommy.

[somber music]

♪ ♪

- Well, that's a real kick in the V.

So I guess I'm just some rando who rubs his belly,

pays too much for pet health insurance,

and makes every password "Chief69."

- Oh, my God! This isn't about you!

- Excuse me?

- Well, first you set him up

for certain heartbreak.

Then you have the audacity

to make yourself the victim?

- [scoffs and gasps]

You are being so judgy right now!

- Well, I wouldn't have to be judgy

if you'd just be the adult!

- You're a dog, sweetheart. - [gasps]

Wow, you had that one locked and loaded.

You know, I always thought that you were the one person

who would understand me if only you could understand me,

but now that you can understand me,

it's clear you don't understand me at all!

- Huh? - I need to find Chief,

and you need to stop being such a big baby lady!

I'll be right back.

Stay. - Uh--

- Stay!

- Another empowering night in the books.

- This ayahuasca is amazing!

I can understand strippers too!

[bell dings] I have an idea!

Hi! Hi, hi, hi.

Sorry to bother you.

Do you think you could do me a tiny favor

and tell my dog you're his mother

so I can go home and vomit?

- Sure, sure, yeah.

Happy to help.

This address current?

- Yep! [laughs]

- Okay. In you go.

- [retches]

- If it makes you feel better...

- Whee! - I do know my birth mother,

and she's a total nightmare.

- Blanche? Honey, she's salt of the earth!

- Wait, where's Jill? Jill! Jill!

We have one fight, and she runs away?

- Well, this is depressing.

I'm just gonna roll around in that murder stank.

[sighs]

[glass breaking] [all screaming]

[all panting]

- And let this be a lesson

to any other animals pretending to be my dead husband!

- [sighs] Aw, man!

- I'm sorry, buddy.

You don't need that psycho anyway.

- How dare you!

She put me through CPA school

with her ghost kitchen baking.

- She just said you're not Neil.

- You don't get it, Cheeks.

You've never been married.

Look, we have to track down that locket,

which will prove I'm Neil,

and then Diane and I will have the best makeup bath ever.

- Why is this so important to you?

- Well, it seems to me that being Neil

has given The Gray One an identity

that's filled his life with purpose and meaning.

What the Japanese call ikigai,

or "reason for being."

- Do you know how stupid you sound right now?

Just dog up and help us find the locket.

- I'll try my best!

[sniffing deeply]

[sighs] Guys, it's useless.

There's just too much poll-- [sneezes]

Ah! [groans]

- Diablo, are you okay?

- No, I think I broke two of my most adorable ribs.

But I found this!

- And this is why she's alone.

The second anyone offers constructive criticism,

she runs away.

She's just so Jill.

- If that even is her name.

- It's definitely her name. - You don't know that!

She lied about being my mommy!

She's a big liar!

Her name should be Jill-liar!

- Okay, wait. Hold on.

She may not have given birth to us,

but she is our mother.

- Jill is a bad mother!

- Shut your snout!

- I'm just talking about Jill!

- So am I!

Who always cooks us our own turkey on Thanksgiving?

- [sighs] Jill.

- That's right. And when that snake bit you,

who carried you down that mountain on her back?

- Jill.

She even tried to suck out the poison.

It was the wrong paw, but still, Jill.

- And who has given her whole life to taking care of us,

asking nothing in return but the same unconditional love

she gives us?

And when by some miracle we have a chance

to tell her just how much she means to us,

we squander it by being judgy and controlling...

- This is starting to feel like more of a "you" issue.

- What have I done?

I was so desperate for Jill to know me,

but the me I showed her isn't my best me,

and now that's the me she thinks I am

instead of the me that loves her with all my heart.

I need to tell Jill I love her while I still can.

Let's go find her!

- Shotgun!

[upbeat music]

- Yes! The locket!

It must've slipped through the cracks!

- What's all this commotion-- you found my locket?

[delicate peaceful music]

- Oh, please.

That's what reincarnated cat husbands do.

- Are you punishing me? [gasps softly]

There's my Neil.

Wait, this doesn't look like mine.

"My Darling Joyce?"

What the--

my sister?

You were sleeping with my sister?

And you gave her the same locket as me?

You unoriginal putz!

- Diane, I can explain!

I-I'm guessing I did it to make you jealous?

It's more of our psychosexual gamesmanship.

[chuckles] And look, it's working.

- Huh?

[suspenseful music]

Who are all these women?

What are all these letters and--and passports?

A fidget spinner?

"To Barbara: You spin me right round, baby, right round"?

- Oh, no! She's got that

jealous rage/come hither look again!

- You know what?

I'm glad I killed you!

- Run!

- [screams]

- This is the most cardio I've ever done!

I so earned a cheat day.

- I'm sorry things didn't pan out.

- What do you mean? It panned out better

than I could've dreamed.

I'm not just some forgettable, gray cat.

I'm a memorable Neil,

who woos women with lockets

a-and in one case,

a stim toy for people on the spectrum.

- I like this guy.

- Diablo, why don't you use that nose of yours

to find Barbara and her restless fingers?

Said Neil.

- You hear that, Diablo? You're in!

And I don't expect you to get me coffee

unless you're getting some for yourself.

- Uh, maybe this is just the broken ribs talking,

but I don't think I'm a good fit for this organization.

After all this excitement,

I'd rather spent time at home alone with my thoughts.

[multiple voices] We knew you'd be back.

[upbeat music]

- Hi, Honey. What are--

- I don't mean to cut you off, but I need to say this.

Every day, both through your words and your actions,

you tell me how much you love me,

and until now, I've never had a way to say it back to you.

Jill, I love you so much.

You've been a friend, a role model,

a reliable nose booper,

and yes, a mother.

The best mother.

That you picked me to be part of your life makes me

the luckiest dog in the world.

- [pet voice] What's that, pretty girl?

Do you have to go poo-poo pee-pees?

[high-pitched] Outside?

- No! The hippy juice wore off!

She can't understand me!

I blew my one chance to tell her I love her.

- Did you, though?

[tender music]

- Oh, I love you too, good girl!

- Hey, quit hogging my mom!

[laughter]

- Ugh, you guys!

I can't stop thinking about last night.

It was absolutely life-changing.

- She remembers! I knew we had a connection!

- I mean, the earlier part of the night is a bit blurry

and at one point, I even imagined

the three of us were having a conversation.

- It was real! - [laughs]

And you were being a little judgy.

[pet voice] Who's my judgy girl?

You're my judgy girl!

- I don't love this.

- And because of you two, my life has been transformed.

My whole idea of love has expanded!

both: Aw! - [chuckles]

[footsteps approaching] both: Huh?

- Last night was really fun.

- You're amazing, Eleanor!

- No, you're amazing,

I wanna say...Jane?

- Yeah!

It's Jane now.

- Okay. I gotta bounce.

- Call me!

How many people can say they found their girlfriend

and their baby in the same dumpster?

Jane is living out loud!

[laughs]

- [slurps] Mm.

- Bento. [cheering]

- That's nice, Jen and Gabby.

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